#62 - Remembering Who You Are & The Truth About Emotions

Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of an old pattern — reactive, shrinking, or going silent — and thought, I thought I’d worked through this?

 What if the frustration isn’t a sign you’re failing — but proof that something in you is finally awake enough to notice?

 In this first part of a rich two-part conversation, Kena and Kimber Hardick explore what it really means to come home to yourself in midlife — not through reinvention, but through remembrance. They dig into emotional awareness, the trap of feeding our stories instead of feeling them, and a grounding practice called Wait, What, Watch that can change the way you move through your days.

🦋 You’ll Discover:

• Why midlife isn’t a crisis or a reinvention — it’s an invitation to remember who you’ve always been beneath the roles, the shoulds, and the conditioning.
• How you’ve likely been feeding the story around your emotions instead of actually feeling them — and why that one shift changes everything.
• What the Wait, What, Watch practice is — and how this deceptively simple tool can help you pause, return to yourself, and respond from truth instead of autopilot.

💜 Coming Home Question:

Where have you been feeding a story instead of feeling what’s underneath it — and what might become available to you if you simply let yourself feel it?

✨ Where to Find Kimber

• Website: KimberHardick.com
• Book: An Invitation to Shine: From Invisible to Invincible on Amazon and Amazon listing page
• Instagram: @kimberlivinglife
• Facebook: Kimberly Ogle Hardick
• YouTube: Kimber Hardick
• Threads: @kimberlivinglife
• The Interactive Emotion Wheel: https://gamma.app/docs/The-Interactive-Emotion-Wheel-ctc97ztnzaembwo

🥁 The Leading From Pleasure 5-Week Journey, it's open for enrolment. We're starting in September 3rd. Save your spot now!  http://home.midlifebutterfly.ca/leading-from-pleasure

💜 I created Coming HOME for the woman who has done everything right and still feels something is missing. It's free, it's private, and it might be the most important thing you listen to this year — sign up here!

🦋 Midlife Butterfly is a podcast for high-achieving midlife women navigating emotional exhaustion, people pleasing, self-abandonment, nervous system healing, identity shifts, and midlife awakening. Hosted by Kena Siu, Identity & Embodiment Guide.

Instagram: @midlifebutterfly
Website: midlifebutterfly.ca

Music: Back Home by Alex Productions and  Reborn by Alexander Nakarada

Transcript

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Welcome And Two Part Setup

Kena Siu 0:39

Hey beauty, today's episode is a little different. I'm sharing a conversation with Kimber Hardick that became so rich and layered, it naturally unfolded into two parts. In this first episode, we explore what it means to remember who you are and how to move through the emotions that surface when you begin returning to yourself. And in the next episode, Kimber and I take the conversation even deeper. I think midlife brings a kind of honesty that many of us didn't allow ourselves before. You begin to notice the ways you've been negotiating your truth, the ways you've been adjusting yourself to stay connected, to be understood, to make things work. And slowly something in the something in you starts wanting a different kind of relationship with yourself, more truthful, more grounded. And that's what we are exploring in today's conversation. Welcome, beautiful soul. This is Midlife Butterfly, the space where you remember who you truly are beneath all the roles, responsibilities, and expectations. I'm your empowerment guide, Ken a Siu. And I hold this space for women in midlife who are ready to rediscover themselves, reclaim their joy, and live fully aligned. If you are new here, welcome to our cocoon. You've just entered a place where choosing yourself isn't selfish, it's sacred. So take a deep breath, drop in your heart, and let's let's dive in. And today we have the beautiful Kimber Hardig. She's the author of An Invitation to Shine from Invisible to Invincible. And a voice for women in midlife who are ready to stop performing and start living more truthfully. Through personal story and grounded insight, she speaks to the messy, real process of reclaiming self, finding your voice and stepping into a life that feels like your own. Welcome, Kimber. It is a pleasure to have you here.

Kimber Hardick 2:54

Oh, thank you so much. I'm just covered in goosebumps right now. Yes, me too. Wow. Wow. Your intro and your explanation of your cocoon. So for years, when I was teaching yoga and mindfulness, I would always say, we're here to forget what we've learned so that we can remember what we've forgotten to be at ease in our body. And that message has it's still part of my work. It's in every chapter of my book because we're not broken. Not at all. We're remembering who we are beneath all the roles and the shoulds and the woulds and the expectations and beliefs that I often say we didn't sign up for. And definitely not. Yeah, right. And so these constructs, there's nothing wrong with them. They they they kept us safe, but when they become kind of a problem for me is when they limit us, when there's an inner dialogue of, well, I know I should, but that's really not what I want. And so kind of re-looking at these beliefs and these constructs and has has been really a big part of my work. So I think we're really aligned and I love that so much. Yes, me too. Me too.

Remembering Beneath Roles And Shoulds

Kena Siu 4:19

Well, you just said what I was going, I wanted to start with about that fact that it's a remembrance, it's not reinvention, it's not, you know, it's it's really a remembrance. As you said, it's because we since we came here, we have been having all these programs, conditionings, and it's part of our human experience, right? Which is which is wonderful. And the cool part is I think each of us, as unique as we are, we come to work in different things. Sometimes it's relationships, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's sex, you know, different aspects of life itself. And coming back to that remembrance and coming back to our truth, as you said, not because of the shoulds and the haves, but the truth that each of us have that comes from within.

Kimber Hardick 5:12

Right. And and I think it's important to note that we can have this remembrance and then we can forget. And then we go, and to have consideration for ourselves when we do that, not to beat ourselves up and be curious, you know, wow, why did I do that? What what came up for me? What needs to be looked at? You know, I sometimes I get to the state where I am just really remembering who I am and that I am the I. And and then all of a sudden I slip into this, you know, these old conditioned responses.

Surfing Lessons On Autopilot

Kimber Hardick 5:49

And I was I was out surfing the other day, and I'm trying to change the way I pop up because it is hurting me physically. But I've been popping up this way, and for you, those that don't surf, popping up is just going from laying down to standing up on the board. And I've been doing it this way for almost two years. So now I'm trying to change it. And so I was out there with, I call her my surf caddy. She carries my board, she pushes me in if I need to. She just helps me. And so I was working on my pop-up, she was pushing me and I was doing great. So then she had me do the paddling. So I added the paddling, and it was time to pop up. And I immediately went back to the old method that I was trying to not do anymore. And I got to thinking about how ingrained these responses are in our bodies. And our emotional responses are no different because they're stored in our body. So we can have this intention, we can have this desire to show up differently. But then we get in the met what I call the messy middle, and we kind of go on autopilot. And we go, oh, I did it again. There's this thing that I do, and I did it again, instead of going, oh, I suck, I'm a terrible person, I whatever. Just like, yeah, I did it again. And it's just a practice to change how we show up. So the remembering is the first step. And the practice of, you know, the remembering is what's next. And I think that's where the frustration comes in sometimes because it's so easy to fall back into because you I know I've been doing certain things for 30, 40, 50, 60 years, yeah, and just showing up differently. And so now when I notice myself shrinking, staying silent, walking away, which I'm really always been really good about just I'm done, walk away and observe when those responses come online. And I I pause, I just take a breath, and then I ask myself, what do I need to know, do, be, or understand in this moment? And then I watch. And sometimes I show up differently, and other times I don't, but I'm still learning because I'm observing myself. And I call this practice the wait, what, watch practice. And it has been um in I keep it in my back pocket all the time.

Kena Siu 8:28

I love it because is that practice is really that awareness, right? Would you like to speak more about this specifically so people can stand it? Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

Kimber Hardick 8:43

Yeah, I had I had a meditation teacher tell me one time we were doing this meditation, and he said, now if you catch your mind drifting, you know, bring it back, but congratulate yourself for noticing that you strayed, because a lot of people never notice that. And so when we when we have the awareness, I mean, that is that's the that's a step for change, right? That's how we begin to change, is to just notice and be aware of what it is we're doing. And a lot of people never get there. And so once you have that awareness and you go into a space where you're not judgmental of yourself, you just stay curious and have consideration. I don't say compassion, because to me, compassion is pity. So I say consideration. I have consideration for myself when I find myself in challenging situations and I end up responding the way I didn't want to respond, but I have that awareness. And I was told one time when I was doing some shadow work that once you know, you can't unknow. And you don't know what you don't know that you don't know. And so once you know, and when when I was doing the shadow work, I would catch myself and my was working with my bravado, and I'd go, you know, there's this thing that I do, and I just did it. Let me reframe or let me have a do-over, and so owning it, you know, and being aware that you've done it, and then being accountable for it, and either learning from it or shifting directions and not being harsh on yourself because you know it is a practice. And you know, I about there on the surfboard, I didn't get mad at myself when I would forget to pop up differently. I would just go, oh, there I go. I was so ingrained in step A, step B, step C that I forgot. And so I did it again with a little more awareness, a little more remembering, might have messed up again, but I just had fun with it, you know, because I knew that I was I'm recreating something that's gonna be more functional and serve me now.

Kena Siu 11:13

So yes, I love it, and that's the thing that we tend to judge ourselves so quickly, or I mean, it's and unfortunately that's our default mode at all times, yeah.

Kimber Hardick 11:32

Yeah, it is and and you know something else I realized another surfing story. I was going out surfing and I was so in my head, and I was thinking about all these things, and I was being really hard on myself because I wasn't having a good day on the board, and I kind of got snitty with somebody, my surf instructor. And I realized that when someone gets that way with me, I have no idea what's going on in their head, and it's probably 10 times more than what they're projecting on me. So that's been a been has given me a little more consideration when people aren't as kind or considerate to realize that if they're projecting that much on me, what is going on in their head?

Kena Siu 12:24

Right? Yeah, I do agree with that. I also when I got to that point to understand that it's because if not, we've made all these stories, right? And it's just about I don't know, I don't know what they're going through, I don't know what happened in their story in their lives to, in that case, to project all these things, or you know, when we feel that they are hurting us, but it's like we really don't know what's going on behind them, we don't know their story.

Kimber Hardick 12:55

No, we have no idea. We have no idea.

Perception Projection And Estrangement

Kimber Hardick 12:58

It's interesting because I I shared a really beautiful story in this group that I'm in, and it's for estranged parents, and it's kind of a it's not a platform that I went looking for, and I'm kind of dipping my toe into supporting parents who are going through estrangement very cautiously because I am estranged from one of my four children. But I shared this story today, and it was a sweet story of remembrance through my my lens, not through the lenses of other people around my grandmother, who I was estranged from because of family dynamics. And and so this pink bathroom had really beautiful memories for me, once I was able to, you know, look at it differently. And I got some comments from people going, Well, I don't know, that sounds pretty like there's more to the story, and you know, bathroom you go in to hide. And and I thought, you know, the way they're responding to this beautiful moment of remembering for me, it's triggering something in them, and they're looking at it through their perception, through their beliefs, instead of saying, I'm really curious, a bathroom, a pink mode, you know, and automatically projecting. And having gone through estrangement with my grandmother and my mother for a time, and now my son, it's really brought to light to me for me how our perceptions of events that we go we can experience with you know the same person, we all walk away with a completely different experience. And if we could just all be a little more curious instead of shutting off, cutting down, projecting, criticizing, blaming, I think we'd be a much happier place.

Kena Siu 14:57

Definitely, yeah. I hear you there. Yeah, it's just that opening of as you said, it's it's curiosity, seeing with the different lenses, and and it's a way of liberation, seeing it that way, because judgment it takes too much energy, we don't realize it, but in the body and then in the mind, when we start making all these stories, and and ah, it just I don't know. I guess it keeps us stuck when we are not open to that.

Name The Feeling Find The Need

Kimber Hardick 15:35

Well, in those stories, so I I teach emotional awareness, and I've created and I'll send you the link, this amazing interactive emotions wheel. And I do Zoom calls teaching people how to navigate their emotional landscaping, and and I just lost my train of thought. It was so good. Anyway, let me just go back to judgment because I don't remember why why I was introducing that for a reason to what you said, but when we're judging oh, the story. So part of the the teaching that I do is to look at the stories we create and around the emotion that we're feeling, and we're feeding the emotion instead of feeling the emotion. And so for me, when it happens, I'm looping. It's like tell this, and then this happened, and then that happened, and then the loop gets bigger and bigger and bigger, and the emotion seems to get bigger because I'm feeding it instead of going, Wow, this is what I'm feeling. And the other day I was doing some work with this emotion wheel, and I was getting really frustrated with the program that I'm working with. And I so I went outside on the patio and I was working with the wheel. And what I realized was I was feeling angry. And anger is not an emotion that I've allowed myself really to feel because I thought of it as a bad emotion. And as I'm working with emotions, they're not good or bad, they're messengers. And it's the behavior of anger that I associated as bad. So anger is just was not allowed in my. So when I noticed I was feeling angry, I was like, oh wow, that's really interesting. Well, then it's like it opened up this door, and I was just feeling all of this anger. And I felt myself wanting to justify why I was angry. I was like, no, this is the work, Kimber. Feel the anger. It doesn't matter what the story is, just feel it. So I went surfing and I just let the ocean just beat me up, and it felt really good and powerful. And anger, anger makes you feel powerful when you're in it. Well, once I was able to let that anger energy move in my body, it uncovered some grief. So I came home and I was like, I tell I told my surf instructor, I was like, God, I feel like I need to go home and have a really good cry. And so I'm driving home, and once again, I'm trying to create a story to justify why I'm feeling this grief. And I'm like, no, just feel it, just feel it. And so I did. And I came home, and you know, when we're grieving something, the antidote for that is to make a connection. And so I sat with my husband and because I needed to connect with him, and it was such a beautiful medicine. We had this great conversation, I felt the connection, I was able to feel the grief without it overwhelming me and getting wrapped up into a story. And so learning how to feel has been such a beautiful gift for me. I was on antidepressants for 15 years, and finally, I guess it's been 12 years ago, I got off of them. And I thought, oh, now I I get to relearn, I get to learn how to, I know I get to feel. And then I went, wait a minute, I don't know that I ever learned how to feel. And so these last 10, 12 years have been about learning how to feel. And the best way to do that is to be able to name them. And most of us are taught an emotional awareness at the level of maybe a fourth grader. I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm happy. And this is what I started working with was this emotions wheel. And I found that when I could really name what I was feeling beyond sadness or beyond anger and give it a name, it it was so powerful. It was so powerful. So it'd be the difference in me saying, Hey you, and me saying, Hey Kennessue, how are you with the emotions?

Kena Siu 20:10

Yeah, yeah. We were not taught to feel, unfortunately. I think that happened more into men, but into women too, because as you said, you were not able to, you didn't want to express your anger because of the behavior, right? We're supposed to be the good girl. So how come are you going to behave in a way that is not accept acceptable between quotes? I mean, if we are not hurting every anyone, we just just need to allow ourselves to to feel it.

Kimber Hardick 20:47

Yeah. And you know, our emotions too are divided into emotions of dis-ease, emotions of ease. And even going deeper than that, our emotions let us know when our needs are being met and when our needs are not being met. And if you look at it like that, you go, wow, I'm being angry. What is the need? And this is the work I'm doing right now, is trying to understand what is the need underneath the emotion. And when I can go, okay, I'm angry. What is the need? And for me, at that moment, that need was for that program to work correctly and to not, you know, keep messing up. So there's usually a need underneath. And so I feel like, you know, if we can name the emotion and then go and look, what's the need? What is this emotion expressing? What need is it? And learning to feel what good emotions feel like. That too. I've had several experiences where one where I felt gratitude, and I mean, I felt it radiating through my whole body. And then I had another experience where I was in a really difficult situation, but I was able to tap into love and feel love. And so when we know what those other emotions feel like, we can tap into them a little bit easier. Definitely. Yeah.

Kena Siu 22:15

And search for them sometimes. Exactly. Because it's sometimes as as you mentioned before, we get stuck in our heads on projecting how it's supposed to be and getting all this story, and then the emotion that we call negative emotion between quotes, it keeps growing. Then it's like, okay, choose something else. We can also choose it. And if we and yeah, and we can.

Kimber Hardick 22:39

Can't feel more than one emotion at the same time. Oh, yes, definitely. You know, some of them are louder and stronger, and there's more contrast between them, and we tend to focus on the bigger one. But if we can look at what else is true, I'm in my wheel where and I you know I I I address that in my my uh Zoom calls on what else could be true and looking at the the contrast, looking at the brightness, the light and the dark, and you know, all the different, and I do it through the lens of an artist. You know, as an artist, for me, that's why I was drawn to the wheel because it looks like a color wheel. Yes. And so this whole format that I'm creating relates to surfing, and then the color, the you know, colors underneath, the canvas underneath is what I call it, and looking at our emotions through the eyes of an artist. And so it's it's turning into a brilliant, brilliant piece of work. And I can't wait to be able to share it in its entirety. Oh, I love it.

Kena Siu 23:40

I look forward to that. Yeah, yeah, good, good. Awesome.

Wait What Watch For Reactivity

Kena Siu 23:45

I would like to come back to the method that you talk about wait, what and what? Oh, yeah, because I would like to, yeah, if you can show us how to go through it, and I think, yeah, I think, yeah.

Kimber Hardick 24:00

So the wait, it's called the wait, what watch. And so when I find myself reactive or about to react or in a situation where my capacity feels kind of compressed, I wait. And in the waiting, there's a pause, a pullback, and a physical scan. So it could be a few deep breaths, closing my eyes, placing my hand on my heart, but just coming back to myself. And then the what is I ask myself, what do I need to know? What do I need to do? What do I need to be, or what do I need to understand in this moment? And then once I gather that information, I'm not in a story and meaning making about whatever's going on. I'm checking in with myself. And then I just watch. And I watch, do I still react? If I did, did I react as soon as I might have? Or did I hold off a little bit and then react? Or was I able to respond? At what point did I leave myself? Because when we get reactive, we're not staying true to ourselves. We're not, we're we're being protective, we're being defensive. And so I just watch. And then I can go, wow, okay, I did much better. I lasted two minutes instead of 30 seconds before I got reactive this time. Or I could go, wow, I really handled that with grace. Yay, me. And I celebrate. So yeah, it's called the wait what watch practice. And it's it's simple. You don't have to speak anything. It's just if you feel yourself getting reactive or in a difficult situation, just pause. Take a few breaths, pull yourself back away from whatever the stimulus is and check in what are you feeling in your body? Is there tightness in your jaw? Are your shoulders raised? Are you, you know, what's your stance? Because our physical stance that they say that you can calm anxiety by slow deep breaths, but you can also create create anxiety by rapid breathing. So we can use our breath to check in and calm ourselves if we're getting anxious or reactive. And then just say, gosh, what is it that I need to know to be or understand? And that might be where I then ask questions instead of getting reactive, you know, trying to figure out and just gather more information from whatever that reactive. And that's that for me, that's the hard part, is finding the questions and having the ability to ask. But also sometimes it doesn't even need to be asked. It's just checking in with yourself. What do I need to know? What do I need to be? If I don't know, what can I be right now? How can I show up? How can I be more authentic? How can I not leave myself? And then I just watch and not always successful in the, you know, in the full carry out of the situation. But there's always a lesson to be learned from every reaction so that I can be better next time. I can be better. I mean, if we were going to be perfect at it from the beginning, we don't need to practice it, right? But none of us are perfect at how we react or respond to people. And so it's a new way of showing up in conversations, in relationships. And it's it, have you heard that song, Always 17 in your hometown? No, I don't think so. No. It's a country western song, and he talks about, you know, he's always 17 in his hometown, and here he is, like 50 years old. And so when we find ourselves going back with family, friends that knew us before, they meet us with the expectations of us being that person that we used to be. Yes. And the holidays, this is so prevalent during holidays. We show up to a family gathering and we're a different person, but yet these people see us and only know us as that other person, and they're going to do everything they can to make sure that you're still that same person because that's who they're comfortable with, bullying or being around or whatever. And so it is, it's very true. We're always 17 in our hometown. And that's where you know, for me, anyways, that's where I know when I've done the work that I'm that the work is working because I'm showing up, you're going back to where I grew up in Tulsa. Yeah, it's a perfect example.

Kena Siu 29:04

You make me laugh because I really feel you. Yeah. Like I have my mom's place now, you know, my brother, my sister are here at this moment. So it's really, yeah, that that sometimes they always expect you to be a certain way, but the thing is, they have changed, I have changed, everything, everyone has changed, even though, of course, we stay with some things, right? But it's it's interesting then to observe in those cases when you think, like, okay, like, or or finding myself thinking, saying, Oh, I went back to that pattern because I mean this environment.

Kimber Hardick 29:43

Uh-huh. Exactly. The environment. You can't control the external. So another surfing story. I went surfing the other day, and we checked the conditions, my internal mindset, body set, everything. And it was a little precarious, but it was doable. So we went in and the conditions changed. The wind picked up, the current got worse, the waves got big, and we got out of the water. And I was driving back in my car, and I was like, you know, life is like that. I can walk into a family gathering with all the work that I've done, the right mindset, the right emotion set, all my tools, but I can't control the external environment. No, we can't. I can't control what someone might say or do. All I control is myself. And so I can I can leave the room. Like I left the ocean because it didn't feel safe to stay there. And so giving myself permission too, that you know, if if I'm in a situation and things get kind of uncomfortable or I need to pause to just step out, you know, and that's called honoring your capacity, not the capacity that you want to have, yeah, but the capacity that you currently have. And it changes from day to day. Yeah, that's true.

Kena Siu 31:08

Yeah. I love how you call or how you call it honoring your capacity. Because sometimes, uh, as you said, well, first of all, it's never the same percentage, right? And then more as women, and and how our cycle works, and then it's also it has to do, yeah, of course, with a lot of things that are happening outside, but also in the inside and honoring that to say, yeah, today uh I'm not in for that kind of shit.

Kimber Hardick 31:37

Like right, probably another day, yes. Yes, I don't have the capacity for, you know, and and it's interesting.

Cycles After Hysterectomy And Menopause

Kimber Hardick 31:44

This reminds me, I've been thinking about how I haven't had a moon cycle since I had my hysterectomy. And I was 30, I'm 64 now. And I've been on hormone replacement since I was 36. So my hormones have all kind of been level. But I've been noticing lately, I think there's still a cycle in my body. My body is still cycling, even though I don't have energy. Yeah, I don't yeah, I don't have the signs of my moon cycle and ovulation and all the things that the the younger girls do. And it feels like an important piece for me to start paying attention to because I know I can find myself in a in a low state of energy. My mindset might be a little low, and it's easy to beat myself up over it. But if I can go, wow, you know, and it seems to be around the full moon. I haven't mapped it, but it's really for me feels like it's cycling with the moon. That if I can go, wow, okay, it's just part of my cycle. Yes, and then I can have more consideration for myself for those days that I just want to lay around all day and not do anything. Yeah. Or, you know, I need to be by myself or whatever it is. And so I think as we are all entering into midlife, whether you're doing hormone replacement or not, it's still important to honor your cycle of rest and replenish, because if not, we overextend beyond our capacity and then we get resentful, frustrated, and angry. So that's something that, you know, I don't know if women that you've been speaking to with moon cycles, if that's something that has come up when you no longer have the physical signs that this is your, you know, your your time to nest or you know rest.

Kena Siu 33:48

Well, I know based on what a couple of mentors that I have had is like if we are, if a woman is not bleeding anymore, is basically following the the moon itself as how you are doing it. But I think at the same time it's about observing if it's really with the moon, because sometimes I mean the body it's different, right? Just having the signs, and and and I think because even for women who don't have a womb energetically, there's still, you know, there's a womb in there, right?

Kimber Hardick 34:20

The women's energy is still there, absolutely.

Kena Siu 34:22

Definitely coming back to honoring that cycle, I think it's so important. When I start doing it, this might be around five years already, it shifted my life, like literally, because taking the time when you know when I'm bleeding and okay, I feel like pausing, like literally going inward and having that pause, it makes the difference that when I'm then overlaying because I have more energy, because I honor that, you know, that time uh-huh when my body was saying just go inward, just go, you know, inside and take that moment to really pause, to reflect, or even do nothing if I feel like doing nothing, because we're so accustomed to the doing all the time. But what about the being? It's just about taking a few times just to be a bit more, and then for when that phase of ovulation of you know, then I can have more energy, and that's something that I have realized.

Kimber Hardick 35:32

Yeah. Well, I'm very fortunate. I have a lot of very young friends, and they're in in my women's circle, and and also we're just our friends. And I've been noticing how they honor their moon cycle, which is something for me growing up, I never did. I cursed it. It wasn't, you know, I didn't see it as you know, a sign for for me to pause and and and check in with myself. And so the other day we were going somewhere, and one of the girls said, you know, I'm I'm in my, what'd she call it? Something, not no, she doesn't call it her moon cycle, something phase, my I don't know, she calls it something different. And she says, and I probably am just going to be laying down for most of the the event. And I was like, wow, that is so cool. It's like her body, you know, her moon cycle is the message to her that it's time to do whatever. I never looked at my cycle like that ever. It was like, oh God, here it is again, you know. And so watching these young girls has really made me start thinking about paying attention because they tell me, you know, what they did or how how they had to slow down or what came up for them. And I'm like, wow, I still do that, but I never thought about it as being part of my makeup. So so I think it's important for us as we're in menopause, pre-menopause, post-menopause, whatever, to continue or to start honoring the feminine cycles.

Kena Siu 37:10

Yes, yeah. I think it's all it's very connected, also coming back to the emotions, right? Because if we are more aware of our bodies and what it's the senses and the emotions that are going through us, it's much easier than to put attention and then honor those, you know, the phases that we are in. Because, for example, me, I notice I know my moon is gonna come when I start getting more like sentimental about things, and I'm like, oh okay, it's coming, and it's okay. It's that, as you say, having that consideration and say, okay, it's gonna come, so it's okay. I feel a little bit more sentimental, and it's oh it's okay, it's yeah, it is valid, it is valid, yeah, and then welcome all the emotions that come. And as you mentioned also before, is there's a lot sometimes a mix of emotions. We can have a lot of grief and at the same time excitement for something, and I can give you that example because I'm divorced, like that happened to me, like, yeah, yeah, me too. But it's like it's excitement, like what's coming, you know, in my life now.

Kimber Hardick 38:28

And so one of my my mentors says that grief is the doorway to something new,

Emotional Surfing With The Wheel

Kimber Hardick 38:35

yes, because it's a death, yeah, yeah, yeah. Since we've been talking so much about emotions, would you like to see this interactive wheel that I created? Sure, yes. Okay, so let me let me close, not close, but make this smaller and go pull it up. It's it's really, really a cool thing. See go to it.

Kena Siu 38:59

You have to explain a bit more for the people who are only listening.

Kimber Hardick 39:03

Yes, I will. I will. Okay. And then then we'll share the link so that they can. Okay, let me go back here. I didn't, I I didn't realize we just have people listening, but I think they'll still so to share the screen. Do I go to more? And I think you might have to. Oh, here we go, share. This is yes, you you should be able to share, but if not, then share settings. Nope, that's not it.

Kena Siu 39:39

Oh you have to go share and then advanced sharing options.

Kimber Hardick 39:44

Okay, share. Share go to share settings. I think so. Share screen. Okay. Enter full screen, choose individual. Okay, there it is. Yeah. Okay. Video sharing. Now is it letting me share?

Kena Siu 40:07

Not yet.

Kimber Hardick 40:07

What I don't see anything yet. Oh, here we go. Okay. Share. Okay. Okay, so I have this landing page here because it changes. I you know, I'm still working working on it and updating it, and so I just landed in there. Find the words for how you feel. And what's really cool is I have a children's wheel for ages five to eight, nine to twelve, and teens. And I did that because so many of the people I'm working with with the feelings wheel are like, man, wouldn't this have been great if we had learned this when we were kids? So I created one, it's not as advanced as this one is. Is it still sharing? Yes. Okay. So it's called emotional surfing. And I have another practice when when we're doing emotional work, we tend to focus on the really big, hard, heavy, thick emotions. And so there's a practice called weefwi. What's fun, what's functional, what's funky, and what's fugging with you. And so it just kind of gives you an idea of well, okay, this thing over here is fugging with me, but this over here has been kind of fun. So to let you see that you've got more. So I'm going to take you into the full wheel. And there, these are called the core emotions, and these are these are universal. Everybody uses them, but they're not complete, right?

Kena Siu 41:43

I'm just going to mention them. Okay. So people who are listening in the audience. So it's anger, fear, sad, disgust, surprise, happy, calm, and trust.

Kimber Hardick 41:52

Okay. So we can explore it. Is there one that calls you, Kennedy, that you'd like to explore? Trust. Okay. So then we hit trust. And within trust, we have the secondary emotions, which are open, secure, connected, receptive, or loving. Which one do you want to explore? Let's go with uh connected. Okay. And so then in connected, we have warm or we have alive. Alive. Okay. So then it takes you down here and it says alive can feel like the whole system at full power. Present, tingling, switched on, every sense working, every nerve firing, you unmistakably here. Alive can come through joy or fear or connection or risk. The source might matter less than the recognition. I'm here, I can feel this. If aliveness is rare for you, notice what it brought. And then it asks, what else could be true right now? You identified alive that is real, and alongside it, you might also be vulnerable in choosing, brave enough to not armor up, tender in a way that costs something, or choosing openness over certainty. And so then do any of those resonate with you or no?

Kena Siu 43:23

I was go with that brave enough to not armor up.

Kimber Hardick 43:27

Okay. Yeah. If this were also true right now, what shifts? Does the original story loosen even slightly? Sit with both probably the lotion the original story that might have in the past caused you to armor up. Then it asks you to notice where it lives in your body. And I list common places because I know there's some teachings out there that say, oh, if you're feeling this in your right hip, it means that. And if you feel this in your jaw, it means that. I think our emotions show up in different parts of our body. Yeah, I agree with that. Yeah. And so notice where this lives in your body, whole body humming, skin tingling, everything switched on. And I think we both really felt that at the beginning of the podcast. We felt really alive and connected, right? Definitely. And so notice what aliveness feels like in your body. Memorize it. So, like you said earlier, we can call on it when it might serve us or when it's not present, but we know that it would benefit us. And then I have guided meditations included in here.

Kena Siu 44:39

Yeah.

Kimber Hardick 44:39

And I usually quote something from my book. I could finally see how my patterns were formed and why they made sense. And then you can, yeah, then you can go deeper into ease, which we're in an ease state. So we don't really need to go into ease, different lenses, shifting the story, feeding versus feeling, and the seduction. And so what I'm finding is a lot of these emotions that we have, especially on the dis-ease or where our needs are not being met, there's a seduction to, I'm gonna go ahead and close out of this. Okay. There's a seduction to, oh, how do I do that? Oh, stop sharing. Stop sharing, yeah. There's a seduction to feeling these emotions sometimes. You know, sometimes anger, the the power we feel with anger is so seductive to us because going into grief makes us feel not in a way we want to feel. So, and then also sometimes hanging around in grief brings us connection and we're grieving a connection, but we're getting attention, we're getting empathy, we're getting sympathy. So I like to look at the seduction of the emotions, what else could be true, and then also looking at the story that's keeping us stuck in some of these emotions instead of feeling them and moving out. And I think the first time that I was able to really just sit with an emotion for the first time, it was last year when I found out that my son got engaged, and I found out on Facebook. And the emotion was really, really big. There, the movement in my body, the energy was just, and I didn't want to go into a story around why he didn't tell me. Would he have told me if we weren't estranged? You know, that's just what kids do nowadays, they just post things on social media, and so I was feeling all sorts of sadness. And so I went into my bedroom and I just laid in the bed and I felt the sadness, I felt all the feels, but I didn't go into a story, and all of it, and usually those emotions I would stuff or avoid because I didn't want them to consume me, but I realized it's not the emotion that's consuming me, it's my thoughts about the event. So I laid there and I just felt this sadness in my body and probably some tears, but not a and all of a sudden I felt this and I heard it, and it went in my my chest. And it was like that that I made space for that emotion to move around, and I got up and I wasn't consumed with it. I wasn't I I was doing a lot of puzzles when it first happened because I was just so consumed with the story and you know how dare he and all the things. And so to just feel it, it didn't have its control over me, and I was able to go about my day in my life. And I think what I'm seeing in all realms of life is that we get so attached to the story, and the emotion doesn't have anywhere to go because the story, you know, it's like I think I said this to someone the other day, you know, our emotions are messengers, but when we are wrapped up in a story, we are dictating the message instead of receiving and listening to the message.

Kena Siu 48:34

Thank you for saying that. Yes, we are dictating the message, and the more power we give it, the more bigger we do it, and then we get stuck in there. That's the problem. And then more of these, you know, between quotes, yes, more these negative emotions that we consider as anger and sadness, we make, I mean, we literally dig our own whole.

Kimber Hardick 49:04

Exactly. I can remember, I and I used to say that I was praying all the time when I was doing this, but I really wasn't, and I wasn't definitely listening, I was telling. But I would get so involved in other people's stuff and in their stories, and I'd get so mad at that husband or the mad at that kid that they did that to my friend and I wasn't, but you know what? It gave me energy, it was it was serving me to do that. I just didn't know that at the time. And but it was draining, it was so draining to stay stuck in the story and the blaming.

Drama Triangle Thoughts Versus Feelings

Kimber Hardick 49:45

And are you familiar with the drama triangle? Yes, I am. Yes, yeah. So, you know, being stuck in the victim or the helper, I was a great helper for a long time, you know, and and helping was more about me and less about you, unless I asked how I can support you, right? But I didn't see that. I mean, I was meddling and interfering and do all the things that we do when we're younger and we think we're being helpful, you know.

Kena Siu 50:15

I want to save you. Come on, let me do it here I am to save the day.

Kimber Hardick 50:23

But in doing that, I'm making you the victim. Yes, and who wants to be a victim, right? And and but it's it's important also to say there's there's a difference between being victimized and living in the role as a victim. So you can be victimized and you can continue to tell your story of as being the victim and being victimized, or you can go, yes, this happened to me, and the this is the what you know, maybe I contributed, I made the choice to be there or to show up, you know, whatever. We all have a role, but it's so much easier to point at the villain. And when my husband was first introduced to the drama triangle, he was the villain, and he took great pride in being the villain until he realized that the villain is the biggest victim of all. Yes. Because that victim, in order to empower himself, then goes and tears other people down and becomes the villain himself. So um, I also have a, you know, that's in the whole wheels teaching as well. So I I love this emotion discussion. I love exploring my emotions, the aha moments that people have when they're in my on my calls talking about, you know, emotions and not even realizing that they're telling a story and that there's a difference between feeling a feeling and telling the story. The story then becomes that's how I feel. And I think the English language doesn't help matters much because we say, Well, I feel this or I feel that when it's really not a feeling. And so learning to discern, well, what is a feeling and what is a thought? And I remember when I was younger, someone telling me, if you can say I think before it, it's not a feeling. So like I can't say I feel mad. I can say I feel mad, but I can't say I think mad. But if I say I feel I feel I I'm losing an example, but so if you can say and a lot of people say, well, I feel oh, I feel you did this to me. Well, that's not a feeling, that's a thought, and that's a perception, and that's a projection. And so the English language doesn't also give us the greatest tools with which to navigate what we feel, because we think if we can say, Well, I feel this way, and I'm telling you how I feel, and so I'm being very emotional and emotionally intelligent, it's not a feeling, it's a thought. And so learning how to discern that, what is really a feeling versus what is a thought.

Kena Siu 53:20

Yeah, I think that's that's very that's very important, and then the other thing is that we have like a how can I say like an image of an idea of what for example, how sadness supposed to be, because other people have shown us to us, but what is it really to me? And where am I, as we talked before, where am I really feeling it? What about if I'm feeling my sadness in my right hand, not in my chest as someone else, at least at this moment, and I think that comes back to that awareness of the body and say, okay, what's happening, and then coming, you know, to the body itself and not allowing the mind to play us there, right, to really notice what's happening.

Awareness Practice For Daily Life

Kimber Hardick 54:15

When I first started an awareness practice, awareness was not anything in my language years ago. And it was introduced. I was told to try this when I am washing my hands, to not do it mindlessly, but to really pay attention to the water as it moves over my hand, the sensations I feel as my hands are touching each other, as the soap bubbles up. You're just the little things. And so, for people that are new to an awareness practice, do it in the shower. Do it when you wash your hands, when you're doing the dishes, do it with awareness, not just mindlessly. And it actually brings more enjoyment to cooking and cleaning when you're doing it with awareness, even eating. So I'm not going to do it now, but if you take like a piece of pineapple or chocolate and you just put it in your mouth and you don't chew it, you just pay attention to the sensations on your tongue, feel the chocolate melting, the taste, the saliva mixing with you know, those little things, that's where the awareness starts. And so if you think you're going to just go, okay, I'm going to be aware of how I'm reactive I am, and da-da-da-da-da, that's next step. Start being just aware of the physical sensations and things you do every single day, washing your hair, brushing your teeth, having a sip of cold water. For me, my showers are just like, oh, you know, you're talking about the simple things. And I was like, what am I going to tell her? What's the simple pleasure of my life? My showers. My showers are my simple pleasure. I get in there and half the time they're cold because I don't have hot water. And I could beat myself up and be all frustrated because I don't have hot water, but I don't. I go in and I feel the coldness and I feel the water. And so just being aware and slowing down enough to be aware, that that would be my simple pleasure. I really was struggling with how am I going to answer that? Because I don't know what I do that's simple that I enjoy. Everything I do seems to be grandiose, but I enjoy it. But that's what I that's what I enjoy is the simple awareness practices. My husband cooks for me. And I mean, I enjoy every single bite that comes into, you know, I and I do it slowly and mindfully and with great pleasure. And if you're not currently doing that, that's where you start an awareness practice.

Kena Siu 56:57

Yeah. We miss life when we are not aware because awareness brings us to the present moment. It does.

Kimber Hardick 57:04

It does. You can't, and you know, if another practice, you say bring it does bring you to the present moment. If you find you're looping in a story, if you bring your awareness into your body, the story stops. Yes. Because you can't be in the future or in the past when you're in the present. Yes. And physical sensations bring us into the present moment.

Kena Siu 57:30

And when we don't know, I guess when we are more unaware or, you know, when we are more in the autopilot, it's that we are missing life because we are actually creating the life moment to moment. We are building it in this very present moment. And when we when we go into the autopilot, we miss that opportunity. And then we think that life is happening to us. No, it's happening for us. I mean, you are the creator, you are created in every moment.

Kimber Hardick 58:04

So it's like absolutely. And I think that's a really hard concept for people to grasp because it's a very power, it's a very powerful concept. It is. And when I when I first started really noticing how much power I had, it was a little overwhelming. But I, you know, I can remember, and maybe you've done this, be driving down the highway, and all of a sudden I'm at point Z, and I don't remember going from point F to point Z. It's like I missed that whole ride. It's because I wasn't in the present moment. And I thought, oh my God, I'm going crazy. There's something wrong with me. And then I realized I'm just not paying attention. My mind is off here, and my driving on autopilot. Yes. And then all of a sudden I see, wow, I just went five miles and I don't remember how I got here.

Kena Siu 58:58

Yeah. And going back to what you just said, we don't realize how powerful we are. Because the more aware we are, the more we get to choose properly what we want to experience at that moment.

Kimber Hardick 59:14

Exactly. Exactly.

Kena Siu 59:17

We get to choose it every time. And if we don't like it, because life is gonna happen, things are gonna happen, emotions of any kind are gonna come through. But then it's like, okay, so from this moment, like well, how can I choose something different? And that's really where the power comes because it's when we're really aware of our mind and we get to control our mind and not well, and it's also how how we experience something is a choice, and so we can't control things that happen to us sometimes, but we can control how we experience it.

Kimber Hardick 59:57

Yes, and so I try really hard when things are not a love and light and happy and joy to say, what is the lesson here? This is happening for me, it's uncomfortable and I don't like it, but I can choose how I experience it, and that's where the real power is is choosing how we experience things. Yes.

Closing And How To Connect

Kena Siu 1:00:26

This conversation with Kimberly isn't finished yet. We'll continue unfolding it in the next episode. Stay tuned. Thank you for tuning in to Midlife Butterfly. I hope this episode empowers you in some way. Share the love by hitting follow whatever you're listening and leave a review if you feel inspired. I also love to connect with you. Come say hi on Instagram at Midlife Butterfly. I love to know you. Until next time, keep spreading those wings and leave enjoy growth and pleasure.