we are NOT the SAME
We Are Not the Same: Join our comedic journey as Bodybuilder Barbie flexes her muscles against Daria’s dry wit! Dive into the hilarity of life’s twists and turns through the eyes of two contrasting besties who prove that different perspectives lead to the best stories. Tune in for laughs, randomness, and a sprinkle of chaos!
we are NOT the SAME
So You're Dating A Walking Red Flag... Now What?
Ever been blindsided by learning what someone really thinks about you? This raw, unfiltered episode dives into a jaw-dropping Reddit "Am I the Asshole" story that left us both stunned—a woman who overheard her boyfriend of eight years telling his friend he feels "disgusted" when he kisses her and wishes he was with someone else. Yet somehow, she's asking how to make him fall in love with her instead of walking away.
The conversation spirals into a deeper exploration of relationship red flags that many of us miss or ignore. From partners who constantly blame their exes for everything, to the slow isolation from friends and family, to those who give and withhold affection as a form of control—we break down the warning signs from our own experiences and mistakes. We discuss the fine line between showing interest in your partner's hobbies versus completely changing your personality to mirror theirs, and why constant small lies eventually create irreparable cracks in your foundation.
What makes this episode particularly powerful is our honesty about our own past relationships. We share stories about manipulative exes, the yo-yo effect of being someone's backup plan, and how trauma responses can make it harder to recognize unhealthy patterns. We challenge the cultural messaging that relationships should be difficult or that you need to "complete" each other when the truth is that the healthiest connections happen between two already-whole people who enhance each other's lives.
Whether you're recovering from heartbreak, questioning your current relationship, or trying to build better patterns for the future, this episode offers both compassionate understanding and the tough love you might need to hear. Because sometimes the most important relationship advice isn't about how to make someone love you—it's about learning when it's time to love yourself enough to walk away.
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Back to another amazing episode of.
Speaker 2:We are not the same.
Speaker 1:And we have a new little section.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a little segment Trying something new, seeing what works. We are going to talk about Everybody loves an. Am I the asshole story?
Speaker 1:Love it.
Speaker 2:I don't know a single person that doesn't. I watch them and read them constantly.
Speaker 1:They're so good.
Speaker 2:I am a very opinionated person, and so I want to know what I think about things. I want to know what other people think about things. I definitely read comments. Are you a comment reader?
Speaker 1:I am a comment reader. I love it I usually go straight to the comments to the comments. That's where all the good stuff is I know, do you respond to comments? In my own or no? I like to just lurk.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm a lurker sometimes I'll type a response and then I'll be like what are you doing? And I'll delete it and I'll be like they do not give a flying fuck about my opinion, but I obviously care about their reddit, though I do, because it's all anonymous so I I just downloaded Reddit.
Speaker 1:Okay so.
Speaker 2:I've read stories off of Reddit, but they've always been like off of something else, like off of Reddit via Facebook or you know shit like that but. I just downloaded the actual Reddit app to my phone.
Speaker 1:You're going to love it because you everything's like anonymous, so you are just who you are.
Speaker 2:I just like knowing things.
Speaker 1:I things like anonymous, so you are just who you are. I just like knowing things. I'm very nosy. I just don't like to attach my socials to like things like sure, heavy opinions.
Speaker 2:Yes, I, yes, I agree, I try, I try to keep everything or controversial, except our light or funny yes but I don't get. I don't post articles, I don't get into topics.
Speaker 1:I don't talk politics. That's why we have the podcast. Yeah, that's why we have this. Yeah, come. Yeah, that's why we have this. Yeah, come here and we talk about all the things.
Speaker 2:Well, some of the things.
Speaker 1:All the things that we don't ever hold back, though, no, that's true.
Speaker 2:No, there is no filter here.
Speaker 1:None.
Speaker 2:And there is no editing either, which is also a very important thing to think of. Yeah, we important thing to think of. Yeah, we do not edit just because, um, why edit? You come here to listen.
Speaker 1:The whole point is it's raw, yes, and real and real and random and chaotic, and it really is. It's like you are sitting here with us as our bestie, like you're just in conversation with two best friends. Yeah, talking about shit.
Speaker 2:100 talking about life talking about life and all the crazy experiences that we've had, but it's also like I like hearing about other people experience because it like makes me feel better about my own sometimes that's why we watch reality tv like love after lockup okay, no, that's why you. I watch reality tv like love after lockup, when I'm merely in your presence and at no other time in my life.
Speaker 1:I haven't watched it in a very long time. Actually Currently watching Octomom, that docuseries.
Speaker 2:I'm like this is wild. You want to know what I'm watching. What I'm watching a pottery competition.
Speaker 1:I'm waiting for the Mormon, the Mormon moms or whatever. That was the Mormon mom, mom talk. I don't know what you're talking about. Season mormon moms or whatever. That was mom talk, mom talk thing to come back. Season two um, yeah, that was one we want.
Speaker 2:So we both like reality television.
Speaker 1:We just like different kinds yes, yes, I like competitions like cooking shows and baking I watch the cooking shows with the kids. They love it like um, there's like one, like snack one that they have to recreate all the snacks that me and lily watch. But then there's a certain point, like now I'm in prep, I'm like I don't want to watch that.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, cause it makes you sad.
Speaker 1:I know, it just makes me hungry.
Speaker 2:And I don't really want to think about that.
Speaker 1:I can't eat very much right now, Um, okay, so let's read our through.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna be transparent. We can actually want to give yes, like we want, unfiltered, unthought out. Yeah, we just skimmed we skimmed to see if we had something to say about it yes okay, so this one is. I, 25 female, overheard my 27 male boyfriend say that he chose the wrong girl. Which is just the title alone is so fucked, and I already have very strong feelings about what my opinion is without having read any of the story itself same okay, for context, me and my boyfriend have been together for a total of eight years.
Speaker 2:We met between mutual friends while I was still in school and he had just moved to my town to go to college. We were friends for two years before we started dating. The reason for this was because, one, I was too scared to make a move and, two, he was in love with one of our mutual friends. After she got a boyfriend, he moved on to liking me.
Speaker 1:I'm already angry okay, it just seems like a red flag right away right away.
Speaker 2:That's awful you, you're starting you're starting out as a second choice maybe not.
Speaker 1:Maybe this is her personal, like this could be her own twist on things, because did he say that he was in love with her or you just are assuming that also got it? People do move on, right, so maybe he had feelings for you too that you were not reading, so this could be a combination.
Speaker 2:I'm just playing devil's advocate well, that's good, because I instantly went to why did you even date him in the first place, I mean I obviously love somebody else first.
Speaker 1:But that is a weird choice because I feel like I wouldn't then explore that the way she's been doing. But let's keep waiting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's see. Let's see what happened. Okay, last Saturday was his birthday and he told me that he has never been thrown a surprise birthday party and he would like to experience one. I worked all week before Saturday.
Speaker 1:Hold it. It's not a surprise if you know about it.
Speaker 2:Facts so basically he just wanted someone to throw him a party. He's like, hey, throw me a surprise party, hey, babe.
Speaker 1:So you know I've never had the surprise party, but like if you could throw one on Saturday around five, that'd be great.
Speaker 2:Make sure it's a surprise, that's so funny that is weird. Why would you specifically state surprise party?
Speaker 1:but it does yeah, so he asked for a surprise party.
Speaker 2:Okay, anyways, keep going um, I worked all week before saturday planning and inviting people, getting reservations, reservations, buying a cake, etc.
Speaker 2:I asked his best friend to hang out with him for most of the day so that I could set up and get everyone to get here and hide for the surprise. The birthday party was a success and he was smiling the whole time. He had snuck off with his best friend somewhere and I wanted to find him so that we could sing happy birthday and cut the cake. As I was walking down the hallway, I heard him and his friend talking, so I kept walking towards their voices. I heard him tell his friend that he should have kept trying with our mutual friend. He told him that he should have been the man that was engaged to her and not her now fian fiance. He said that he hated waking up to me and he wished that our mutual friend was the one that threw him his first surprise party again. Okay, I know off topic, but I'm now angry about the surprise element because it's not I know he's just asking for his party.
Speaker 1:It's a party. Now you're asking the party.
Speaker 2:He said that he felt disgusted every time that he had to kiss me or hold me, because he knew that our mutual friend should be in his arms instead. What the fuck? He said that he felt like he was stuck in our relationship and that he would end up quote unquote having to marry me okay, he has some serious issues.
Speaker 1:Why are you?
Speaker 2:with this person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's why do people? Okay so far, we're going to finish it and we're going to go back. There's so much I have to say. I need to unpack some of this.
Speaker 2:This is awful, oh goodness. Okay, where was I at Kiss me or hold me? Because he, because he blah, blah, blah. He said that he, or our mutual friend, was better than me in looks from head to toe that she was the most gorgeous girl that he had ever seen. I went back to the party and told everyone that I couldn't find him and that we would have to wait for him to come back. When he came back, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the head and told me that he loved me. I didn't want to ruin this party, so I went along with it.
Speaker 2:He doesn't know that. I know that he doesn't honestly love me. I've just been going along with everything. I honestly don't want to break up with him. I just want to know how I can make him fall in love with me. I don't know what I did to make him feel so unhappy. I would like to know how do I make my boyfriend fall in love with me, or should I just give up on her relationship? He is the first boyfriend I've ever had and I'm scared to start dating again at my age.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness okay, but you're okay, let's do. Who's the asshole?
Speaker 2:the boyfriend for sure she's. Obviously she has attachment issues yes, no, you're good for sure she has some sort of attachment issue because, like if I ever heard somebody speak about me in that manner, like unexpectedly, I have to add that part I feel like you've just experienced things yeah, like I, just if you, if you really thought, that your boyfriend was super in love with you. And then you walk in and you hear that and you don't instantly go to like this is over.
Speaker 2:I don't I how or you immediately talk to that person and be like what is going on, Like walk into the room and be like excuse the fuck out of me, like obviously you and I need to have a conversation, kick everybody out of the house and deal with it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, because it shouldn't? That's not one that can wait.
Speaker 2:No, I would love to say that I would do that, but I'm also scared that I would probably go about it the way that she did I would exactly that way, 100 finish the party because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and then you'd send him a text, maybe or so later and be like so we can't be talking about this.
Speaker 2:That's so bad, though, but I think it goes right from the very beginning. It goes to the fact that, like you were, you started out as his second choice from the very beginning. So I don't feel like she can necessarily be too surprised that he is still viewing her that way, but like he's taking that to an extreme. It's not just like oh, I have feelings for this other person. He flat out said he was disgusted when he has to kiss her. Why are you dating her?
Speaker 1:then also being I'll have to end up marrying her right that also sounds like. Are you just talking like that to your friend and you do like? It sounds like a very childish, manipulative, little boy thing to say but what do you get out of that?
Speaker 2:what do you get out of having that conversation with your friend?
Speaker 1:I don't know, like, because obviously you don't think she's that great right, so why be with her?
Speaker 2:what's the point?
Speaker 1:that's yeah why do you?
Speaker 2:I guess I don't think about like how many people stay in relationships just for the sake of being in the relationship I feel like I stayed in this last relationship because I felt like we just put effort in.
Speaker 1:I know, I don't know, I was just getting lied to.
Speaker 2:Well, obviously she's being lied to too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I heard that I'd be out. Yeah, Because I would never. Okay, here's the thing I would never start. Oh, if you've heard the Yo-Yo Chronicles, I guess you know that I.
Speaker 2:You were. I don't mean this in a bad way, but you were somebody's second choice. He was trying to string you along.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Because he was trying to see if something else would work, and then every time that didn't work, he would go to you Back up. That's what it is. I've also my situation ship.
Speaker 1:My whole situation ship. I was a backup and it kind of like do you does that? I feel like it does slightly taint things Because it's like Knowing that, knowing that.
Speaker 2:Could you then have a serious, real relationship with that person? Because, listen, it even says that he moved on specifically because she got a boyfriend, not because he moved on because she took herself out of the equation. Obviously she doesn't feel the same way about him.
Speaker 1:No, there's two things that run through my mind. One I'm going to be dropped every time this other person comes back around Every time.
Speaker 1:Second thing that goes through my mind will I ever feel like I will always feel like I will be dropped and I will be the second choice, like even take that person out? You'll second guess everything you will always have like a trust and maybe this can be built over time. So this is where my other, my you can build trust over time. So if that person is willing to be open in communication and express to you the reasons why maybe the back and forth happened and you have a clear do you think that the way that you feel about this is the reason why you've been yo-yoed?
Speaker 2:because you're justifying?
Speaker 1:no, I'm saying because people can change and stuff and relationships can really, but it would take a lot of fucking work. You know what I mean. Like, and is it worth it?
Speaker 2:like this situation no, I don't years yes.
Speaker 1:So that's why I'm saying like he okay, I was like more talking in my situation, yeah, not in this, but like, if there was a lot of like, if he would have been like, he could open up and be like I. He would have to explore his other feelings and be like, put them to rest and then be open with her.
Speaker 2:You think that they can come back from yes.
Speaker 1:But if there was a lot of fucking work and change and things that happen, I don't does it sound like this guy is willing to do any of that.
Speaker 2:No, Well, I don't think they can.
Speaker 1:I think if if this were different, because there's eight years in it, it's like okay but you still feel that way after eight. That's why he needs to explore that, like if he would have came to her and been like, hey, if he would have came to her and been like, hey, I don't know why, but this is still bugging me, so I need to fix it, but I'm telling you because I still have these feelings. Let's explore this together, because it's affecting mine and your relationship and I don't want it to.
Speaker 2:He resents her when she didn't do anything wrong, because he's just mad that he didn't get the girl that he wanted and so he's taking it out on the girl he did get. That's messed up, if you think about it. That's why he's like she's disgusting to me because it's just not who he wants it to be. But that's not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1:Now, do you think that men just settle and take what they can and then just like choose the next best thing?
Speaker 2:some men, for sure. Well, and that's okay. So that's part of the problem, right? So that's how my situation should happened was because he just wanted, I feel like this is like dating, social media, day and age where you just swipe and there's someone new. Yeah, it makes it worse waiting for the next best. Thing but he's not trying to go after just anybody. He's going after a specific person.
Speaker 1:But he's even saying he's gonna end up marrying her.
Speaker 2:So I feel like this is some weird, that he's just fucked in the head mentally like, yeah, because she's engaged the girl he's lusting over essentially is engaged to somebody else he's been secretly in love with her for over at least the full eight years that these two were together, but they were friends for two years first, she said.
Speaker 1:Because he was in love with the other girl of men that are like, are married and have side chicks or all the back and all the things. It's wild, so is monogamy.
Speaker 2:I am such a monogamous person, me too, and I don't think it's that hard to do, like no I enjoy.
Speaker 1:I don't understand.
Speaker 2:I don't know why you want multiple people no, gross for so many reasons, like I don't even like being around people, I don't want to add more to that mix but also like a lot of energy I don't want to expend.
Speaker 2:I just know like there's something great about getting so comfortable with one person that they know you and you can do anything and feel comfortable with that person, like I, even even if you just take it to a sexual aspect, right, because that's the part. That's the part I don't understand. People are like, oh well, they get bored with the same thing, so try new shit. Like you don't need a new person, you need a new position. Like there's a fucking whole book that can help you, there's sex therapists, there's toys, there's so many things that you can do to spice up or change up your love life in a sexual way that there's no need for another person because you're not going to have a connection with somebody.
Speaker 2:The same way that if you have a connection with someone that you've been with forever you're not going to, then I mean you might. You might think, oh, this is new and exciting, but they don't know you as a person, they don't know what you like, they can't like fucking. Maybe they're not going to put their toe in your butt. I don't know you as a person. They don't know what you like, they can't like fucking. Maybe they're not gonna put their toe in your butt. I don't know like you know what I mean. I've never done that specifically, but I'm just saying like there's a comfort level that you can develop with somebody that you've been with for a long time, that you don't get it with somebody new. So I just don't understand that that logic of it, because I feel like that's what people use as an excuse for cheating yeah, I don't, because, see again, we're very monogamous.
Speaker 1:We are the same in that phantom.
Speaker 2:We're very monogamous yeah, but like for her, I mean she definitely needs to. Also, though, part of the problem with this is she's so young and they've been together forever. Right, because let's say she says she's 25. They've been together for eight years and they were friends for two, so they've been together since she was 17. There's something about your.
Speaker 2:You have to grow up yeah, because she even said he's my first boyfriend that I've ever had. So I think that's what she's holding on to. But realistically, if you look at statistics like, you're not going to be with your high school sweetheart most of the time no like it's a very small percentage of people and you have to just be okay with moving on.
Speaker 2:Like it makes me wonder if their relationship was actually happy and so this was a big surprise to her, or if it was kind of shitty but she was holding on to it anyway and this is just another thing that happened. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just think she needs to call it quits.
Speaker 2:I do too. I definitely think that she needs to. Um, let's look at some of the comments, Trying to find one that actually makes sense. These comments don't look like they go.
Speaker 1:I mean, we don't necessarily have to look at the comments no, they just don't seem like they go with it.
Speaker 2:But yeah, I just I feel like if I heard somebody say that and it wasn't expected, but that's easy for me to say I did. Fat roger used to say mean things, but he'd say them directly to my face and it would build over time somebody said oh girl, if I stayed with the dropkick I was with at 25, I'd be freaking miserable.
Speaker 1:25 is not too late to start dating again. You deserve way more than this disrespect. Call him out on it. Watch his face, then leave. You cannot make someone love you, and someone who loves you will never say the things you heard. Facts facts.
Speaker 2:That's the whole thing the being scared to date at her age girl. I am 38 and I'm trying to date.
Speaker 1:That's when it gets the best you can actually start going on dates like, like real ones.
Speaker 2:Yeah, not just like to the mall. Even though that was also lacy's last date, that wasn't my last one well, what a last one that was definitely one of them oh, do you want to update people on your what most recent? No okay because I don't know if it's a thing yet okay, I know, but I was just there might be a thing there's a night, she had a great date there might be a thing.
Speaker 2:We'll see. We'll see what happens. I don't want to jinx it, but did she respond back or is there an update?
Speaker 1:I'm looking through.
Speaker 2:I've never used reddit before so this is difficult for me to try. I'm not tech savvy. We've been through this um.
Speaker 1:Somebody said you cannot make him love you. He doesn't and he won't. You need to break up or you are still young. You will find the guy for you. Don't waste more time on him now. You know the truth. You have now heard his truth, his truth, spoken behind your back. He doesn't love or want you. You cannot unhear this. That's the thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is the thing. She heard it directly from his mouth. It's not hearsay, it's not. Somebody said oh, so-and-so told me and I'm relaying that information to you. You heard that directly out of his mouth, with him thinking that you're not an earshot. That wasn't meant for your ears, which means that's how he really feels. Yeah, and there's no's, you can't come back from someone.
Speaker 1:no you're always busted by you.
Speaker 2:The fact that that is the word that he used. It's equivalent to the girl getting the ick literally you can't come back from that. I don't care what netflix says you can't, you cannot come back.
Speaker 1:You cannot. Um, this kind of takes us into our little. We were going to chat about key points on how to know if somebody is like Into you or not, or you're dating the wrong person.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's so hard, like trying to determine red flags versus green flags already hard enough easier to do it for a different person than for yourself but also trying to balance like what is healthy versus what's creepy and what is boundaries versus what is self-sabotage dating's hard it is.
Speaker 1:So we're here to just go over some of the things that maybe you watch out for, and we'll talk about some of them, things that we've experienced maybe maybe we'll find out on this call if my possible thing is a red flag. We'll see on this.
Speaker 2:Call on this podcast she doesn't listen to podcasts, so it's fine very ironic, okay, so these are the some of the some some of the things that I'm gonna talk, some of the things I look out for um they blame their ex-boyfriends or girlfriends for all the problems in their past relationship. Okay.
Speaker 1:Okay, you do need to know about someone's dating history. Yes, and constantly blaming somebody else and never apologizing or taking any responsibility is a huge red flag, and I think we both have experiences with this.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I agree with that. But then I turn that mirror around on myself and I'm like then does that make me a red flag? Because I talk about the things I experienced, where I'm like no, my ex is crazy no, you actually got stalked and went to court like that's a different scenario so as long as there's receipts, I think that's important and you've never you've never blamed him you've actually never blamed him for the reason why everything broke up.
Speaker 1:You just, he's just it just happened and then he stopped you and you talked about the stalking. That's way different, way different. Um, but we have a great johnny bravo reference here. Do you remember when he made up that crazy ass fucking story about becky? Oh yeah and it was all a lie all a lie, but that's yeah.
Speaker 1:He said that she created a fake pregnancy with a fake belly and a fake all these things, and then killed the baby as a stillborn that is an insane thing to accuse somebody of with zero evidence of that happening that's crazy. He said that like for real, like she, and then she tried to like lie about it and yeah and then, what's the point of that?
Speaker 2:I was like what's the point of telling you that lie? Like what? How did he benefit off of that?
Speaker 1:so that was the reason why he moved up here to get away from her, and that's why he hasn't dated. But we, then we found out he dated multiple people liars, liars and yeah, poor becky, sorry. Sorry about that because he was on the. Well, that episode is gone.
Speaker 1:But yeah, he came on the podcast and was like I had an ex who pretended like no, he talked about her on the podcast and lied but he also said that like she had had, like um, fertility issues, and so this was my thing anyone who's ever had fertility issues is not going to create a fake pregnancy and then like, kill it off like that publicly.
Speaker 2:I don't know, it's fucking weird like it's it's weird and I always and so now I'm stirred the story about me, as I'm crazy too, but it's okay well, we already, we already learned that he said that you were the one that was stealing from him.
Speaker 1:So, oh no, then I was abusing him and that, yes, he told his mom he told somebody that I stole his shoes, yep.
Speaker 2:And then he told he told people that you were abusing him emotionally.
Speaker 1:I'm like no, the mom initially tried to say physically. And I laughed, I was like excuse me, what? Yeah? And then my mom confronted him, and then she's like I mean, I mean mentally.
Speaker 2:I do sometimes think like what do the people that I've dated, like what do they tell the next person about me? That you were great and you built them into that?
Speaker 1:Like.
Speaker 2:I am now a whole man. I'm a real boy.
Speaker 1:We can get married now. Pinocchio Geppetto over here.
Speaker 2:I'm a real boy. What is wrong with me? Can we fix it? We can pop the builder. I build them up and send them to the forever barbara the builder no, I'm sure people say that I'm crazy. I mean, I have my moments, I've done some shit.
Speaker 1:I've done some shit we've all done some shit.
Speaker 2:Um okay, they've stopped hanging out with their friends and only want to be with you okay, okay, I want to talk about this because you're going to justify it no, because I I get overwhelmed I guess would be a good word when I get too much attention and I don't because you don't like it.
Speaker 2:I don't like it. I don't want somebody that wants to spend 24 seven with me like that sounds awful to me and so and I don't know how to tell, because I have a busy schedule so I don't have a lot of availability. So I'm like to other people it might look like we're not spending a lot of time together, but if I'm spending all of my free time with you, that makes me panicky. I'm panicky now. Can you tell I'm thinking?
Speaker 1:about it, I'm thinking about it.
Speaker 2:It's making me mad, I don't know why. Like that seems very suffocating to me. So it's weird that somebody who all I've ever wanted is for somebody to love me full heartedly I only want you to do it about like 65% of the time. Love me 100%.
Speaker 1:This is why I say you need a long distance relationship, I know, and then you guys just only see each other on like vacation every once in a while.
Speaker 2:I just don't want to spend every day with you. I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I can also relate this back to my horrible situation with Johnny Bravo.
Speaker 2:Yeah, he separated you from me.
Speaker 1:Not only that, he had no friends, none, not one friend.
Speaker 2:And he wanted to spend every single moment with me yeah literally leeched on to everything because I worked from home when me and landscaper were dating. He didn't work in the winter, obviously because of landscaper so he would spend every moment at my house. I'm like I still have a job I get I work from home, but like I still need to work and he like expected me to like entertain him and it was so much for me I couldn't handle it and you didn't say anything no, of course not.
Speaker 2:Okay, I can identify it, I just can't do anything about it oh, here's one that we just talked about.
Speaker 1:Am I the asshole? They frequently say or text things that are hurtful or unkind. Even if they come to you later, say that they didn't mean it, don't be duped into believing it it's the back and forth of it.
Speaker 2:All right, it's like I've used different references about it, it's mental games it is. It is a game. It's like fishing, where when you're trying to catch a fish, you have to let it out a little bit and then you let it out and then you reel it. It's like literally fishing, or, and then you feel like a dog stuck to a leash because you're like, haha, I'm running away.
Speaker 2:Nope, you got me all right yeah you know what I mean, but it is. It's a I'm gonna be mean to you and then I'm gonna, I'm gonna be the hero, I'm gonna you know what I mean like I'm gonna be the villain, and then I'm gonna be the hero it's um narcissistic, manipulative game.
Speaker 1:Yeah, narcissistic behaviors, not necessarily making that person that, but um, it's just a game, because it's a game to them and the thing is you have to be careful because, like it builds, they don't come out the gate.
Speaker 2:I think that's, that's what people they hook you yep that's what people don't recognize, that people are like how do you date these type of people? And they don't come out and be like it's manipulation, Gradual you don't see it, because it's very strategic and it happens slowly, yes, and then all of a sudden, then it's happening all the time and you're not even, like, aware of it. It doesn't even phase you like. It affects you, but it doesn't phase you.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh, this one plays right in. They give you the silent treatment or withhold affection over small transgressions I experienced this with johnny bravo. Anytime I did anything for myself I would get the silent treatment, but like I got really good at spotting it and at one point I was like, because I was really over it obviously, um, I'm just, I don't give a shit, don't talk to me, I don't mind silence, and I'm like you think you're like hurting my feelings and you're not yeah, yeah, anyone okay.
Speaker 1:So for me, withholding attention is like a huge red flag. It also does hurt me deeply because, uh, probably past traumas, things like that, because the whole.
Speaker 2:The whole reason you're with this person in the first place is because you are craving a love that you've never actually received. And then they trick you because they give you a little bit and then they take it back. And then they give you a little bit and then they take it back and then they withhold it. See, I did it.
Speaker 1:Mine's almost like I did receive it with Luke, but like gone. You know what I mean. I felt like then I was searching, so I fell into a trap with because I just assumed everyone would treat me like this, because you didn't know any better. Yeah, and I didn't think that people would hurt me, because Luke never really hurt me intentionally.
Speaker 2:I know better and I still fuck up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so watch out, ladies, you're screwed either way is what we're saying Watch out. They've made dramatic changes in their behavior since dating you.
Speaker 2:Yes, everybody talks about like the honeymoon phase.
Speaker 1:I never really had a honeymoon phase, but like they start rock climbing because you like rock climbing, that's an example. That's an example. Well, I mean, just like they okay, I'm just giving an example you start doing, they do something because you like doing it. That was just an example. Like somebody who doesn't like nerd stuff all of a sudden likes nerd stuff because you do okay, so then.
Speaker 2:Then how do you read that as a red flag versus somebody genuinely interested in something that interests you?
Speaker 1:and is trying to interest in making it become their new fucking favorite hobby god and they have no other hobbies.
Speaker 2:Showing interest versus making it their personality.
Speaker 1:Yes, got it because there is a fine line to all of these like showing showing interest is great is not good. No, because you're like, oh look, this is sweet. I'm like, no, it's coming in real hard, it's coming in real fast I can't it's like from far away it might just be like a bird, but it could be a fucking bomb and we don't know how hard it's coming in. So we got to keep analyzing that and keep on track of that.
Speaker 2:See, this is oh man. That's why I can't save my things do you see what I'm talking about now.
Speaker 1:Do you see where you got to keep me updated?
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, I need somebody else to monitor the situation, because I can't tell the difference. I cannot tell the difference.
Speaker 1:Okay, that also was a red flag to Johnny Bravo. He never had any hobbies or anything and was willing to do everything that I did, but yet didn't actually do anything that I did, you worked out. That was it. The top half, and I don't think that's even happening anymore.
Speaker 2:I don't think so, not me.
Speaker 1:I've showed that photo to a couple more people who hadn't seen him in a long time, that one photo with the struggle button, and they're like whoa, yeah, no, it's bad, yeah, it's shocking when you, when you know, um, okay, they constantly criticize or correct you. Yeah, it could be in little ways you might not even notice it's happening, backhanded compliments. Yes, see, I never got gay johnny, bravo. Never really criticized me. He would every once in a while, like talk down on things that I did, or talk down on cheer or things like that, and I'm like you know, like or say things about parenting and I'm like like little things that I that actually would be red flags to me, but they were very few and far between. It was all the other things that were glaring. Yeah, probably because he knew if he did that I wouldn't stand for it. You know what I mean. He knew what buttons he could push and what he couldn't.
Speaker 2:So people will also learn you that's the whole thing with pushing people's boundaries and seeing what they can get away with.
Speaker 2:They literally will purposely ask you to do something that they know that you're gonna feel uncomfortable doing, just to see if they can get you to do it simply by being them you might have experienced this before yeah, because I pushed myself way past my comfort zone and I've done so many things that I wouldn't normally do, specifically because a certain person asked that of me and I so desperately wanted to please that person not anymore.
Speaker 1:I think you won't do that anymore.
Speaker 2:I don't think so either. Hopefully no, I'm kidding, I don't think so either. I'm in a much better place now. I can recognize things. I'm sober, that also helps.
Speaker 1:It does help a lot. We were talking about this, the sobriety aspect. You don't let shit fly anymore. They frequently get caught telling little white lies or lies in general, but I still stand on this white lies, I guess like white lies to your kids, things like that, whatever. But to your partner, the one that you're like with, there should never be any white lies, because, like that person should just know fucking everything right.
Speaker 2:Because that person's in your corner? How can you build if your foundation is cracked?
Speaker 1:exactly. But that's like your partner right, like your partner in crime, like the one who has your back, like that person, no matter what rides for you. So should be, should be, so like I don't know. To me I just I word vomit. Like the person that I am with, I just tell everything in my brain to caught. I can't believe I ever trusted Johnny Bravo, but I just like, and very open, so like I just never have felt the need to even tell a white lie and I expect that in return, just because I can understand everything.
Speaker 2:That's the truth to sit down and listen to you. I'm not going to judge you. I mean I might judge you but like, to an extent right, like I'm not gonna like not hear you out or whatever, like I'm very forgiving, I'm very understanding, I get that shit happens, so why fucking lie to me? What is the point? If I'm going to forgive you, most likely anyway, what is the point of it?
Speaker 1:what is? What is that?
Speaker 2:getting you other than building this level of distrust and yes, because that's the thing to me.
Speaker 1:It's like once you lie, you're willing to everything's on the table.
Speaker 1:Everything's on the table and to me trust is like all we have, like our word is all we have. And once I lose all of that, like I'm like okay, I can't. It is really hard for me because I'm so hyper independent and I can take care of myself like for me to let you in my circle and then, if I let you in we were just talking about the way I fucking mask is impressive so you break down those walls and you get inside my interior at all like you fuck that up. I don't know if I can like let you back in, because for me it goes instantly back up. Yeah, and it happens with the white lies and things like that. Like I might not say things, but I notice everything and I read energy like there's it's nobody's business, I know a shift in things that are happening and you've seen this.
Speaker 2:I'm like there's a shift in energy and I call it like I know and it is part of the adhd yeah, and the traumatization and the complex ptsd because we're so hypersensitive to energies and when things change, because we grew up being. You had to be aware, because you had to be able to read a situation.
Speaker 1:Get yourself out of something or shift it so you could placate, or yeah, it's a survival skill that we shouldn't have had to learn, but it's fine. Uh, we use it now look at me turning that. Look at me using my trauma and turning everything into a silver lining you're doing so well. No, it's a mask.
Speaker 2:That's not a good thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm like doing so well, but look at we, can we notice it um?
Speaker 2:we're getting better. That's what matters. Healing takes a long time. It takes a lot of steps and you will go forward and you will go backwards and you will stumble and you will break and you will all of the things, but what matters is you keep going.
Speaker 1:The last and final one. Your friends or family advise you to break up with them. Oh God, or they throw parties when you break up with them, or everybody and their dog congratulates you and never liked them.
Speaker 2:Listen, mine and Heather's relationship during the time in which her and johnny bravo were together was very dependent on whether or not her and johnny bravo were together, and I could always tell when they were back together because she would stop messaging me like she doesn't even have to tell me, and it was very consumed. Yes, because he consumed.
Speaker 1:He made sure that I did not have any other time.
Speaker 2:He wanted every ounce of my attention because every time I spoke to you, I would just tell you how awful he was and how much I hated him and how you could do so much better.
Speaker 1:And then he thought you liked him and it was weird he didn't mind anymore.
Speaker 2:I don't understand that I don't either I don't. I will never get how. That was his takeaway. Can we talk about how?
Speaker 1:he also was like impressed with how we called him Johnny Bravo, because we've called him.
Speaker 2:Johnny Bravo from the beginning.
Speaker 1:Yes, he was I have from the very beginning, because he was like, oh, I don't have a nickname, I'm like, yeah, you do. This is like we've gotten back a couple of times. And then I told him and he was like just been like, oh, he has big, like he's, wears a tight shirt, tight pants like me.
Speaker 2:I do look like him.
Speaker 1:That's exactly what he thought he's like. I see it. Yeah, I see it I see it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, don't be flattered.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I think that's a. I think everybody agrees that he is the asshole.
Speaker 2:Johnny.
Speaker 1:Bravo and the other guy.
Speaker 2:I just don't understand.
Speaker 1:And Fat Roger and Turtle and Mole. I know Just start listing all of them.
Speaker 2:It makes me sad for her that she is so in love with a person who doesn't love her back. She is going to be traumatized by this experience for a really long time.
Speaker 1:She needs that book that I'm reading about Love Yourself. She needs that book that I'm reading about Love Yourself. She needs a good dose of self-love, like internal soul search.
Speaker 1:It really is. But I feel like once you're on that journey and you're so rooted in who you are as a person, people you'll invite the right people in. But it's like you're just on this journey of finding and discovering yourself more and more and you're very fulfilled within yourself, so you no longer she just seems like she's searching for love and, honestly, girl, it's inside you. I wish we could just teach that to like people in general.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because there is so much focus on the wrong things when we're teaching our children that another person is the love that completes and it's like no, you are all the love. And then you find someone just as complete as you to make an even greater journey and love and relationship. See, we were sold on all those rom-coms back in the day, so we think it's struggle and chaos. And then this grand thing.
Speaker 2:Well, and that's the whole thing, right, like you're. Literally, you're shown that relationships should struggle and then you get rewarded. But that's not how it's actually supposed to be. Do relationships struggle? Yeah, but we've also been fed. You know the easeability in ending a relationship or leaving, and it's really hard for people to find the balance between what's worth fighting for and actually working towards, and like what is fixable and what can you come back from versus no, this is toxic and this is something that you need to leave. And like the culture, you can't.
Speaker 1:You can't clearly identify any of that anymore and also relationships take a lot of work even when they're the happiest. So I don't think people are conditioned to put in the work anymore or the discomfort Cause it's just jumping to the next comfortable thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Everybody's just expecting things to be easier, expecting people but they shouldn't be hard in the beginning.
Speaker 1:They shouldn't be hard in the beginning.
Speaker 2:No, there should be a honeymoon phase.
Speaker 1:There should be and then there should be like disagreements. Arguments are normal. It's just like how you handle them and communicate that matters.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and I will say, like, even Even if you have it right in the beginning, because let's say again this they were together for eight years in this story.
Speaker 1:Even if it was great in the beginning.
Speaker 2:If it goes bad, it's bad and it's okay to leave and you don't have to stay.
Speaker 1:No, just because you've been together for so long or just because you've worked, everything else out, you're allowed to have a last straw, yes, and people don't usually change unless it's like a big event that makes their life uncomfortable that they have to change. So, staying unless you see like active change, just get the fuck out an effort. So, staying unless you see like active change, just get the fuck out and effort for change right, Because you can't Active change Words don't mean anything.
Speaker 2:Words don't mean shit. Words do not mean shit. In this case, words do. Yes, if you hear your partner telling somebody, are saying exactly how he's actually feeling, and then basically the I mean feeling, and then basically that I mean all of his action, and then to say that, to say that to his friend, and then come out, give her a hug and kiss her on the forehead and say I love you. I can't believe she didn't say anything right, I feel like I would.
Speaker 2:I would just be in shock and I would just be staring at him and just like are you fucking serious? I heard everything I heard everything you said, even if you whisper it to him, that would be even better and acting like you're going along with the party and then just whisper and say I heard everything you said.
Speaker 2:Even if you whisper it to him, that would be even better. And walking like you're going along with the party and then just whisper and say I heard everything you said. Let them start singing Happy birthday. Grab your shit and leave.
Speaker 1:I would take that that would have been epic.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, you got to take the cake.
Speaker 1:I love cake. Let us know what you think. Drop us a text Instagram. Us know what you think. Drop us a text Instagram, facebook. All the things we hope you enjoyed this segment and until next time besties Bye.