we are NOT the SAME
We Are Not the Same: Join our comedic journey as Bodybuilder Barbie flexes her muscles against Daria’s dry wit! Dive into the hilarity of life’s twists and turns through the eyes of two contrasting besties who prove that different perspectives lead to the best stories. Tune in for laughs, randomness, and a sprinkle of chaos!
we are NOT the SAME
Trauma-Rama: When Life Gives You Lemons (Or Tiny Ankles)
The wounds we carry from childhood often define how we navigate adulthood, especially in our relationships. In this deeply personal episode, we pull back the curtain on our experiences growing up with alcoholic parents and how these early traumas shaped who we've become.
From functioning alcoholics who maintained perfect appearances while chaos reigned behind closed doors, to unpredictable substance abuse that created volatile home environments—we share the raw reality of growing up in households where adult protection was unreliable at best. The conversation reveals how these experiences created our "hyper-independent" tendencies, with both of us developing a fierce self-reliance that made asking for help nearly impossible.
We explore the painful patterns that emerged in our adult relationships, particularly with manipulative partners who recognized and exploited our vulnerabilities. One host describes the gradual erosion of self-worth through constant negative reinforcement, while the other shares how betrayal by someone close to her children created new layers of trauma for her family. Through these stories, we examine how childhood wounds make us susceptible to harmful relationships, and how recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking them.
The episode also touches on healing methods that have worked for us—from the structure and discipline of bodybuilding to learning how to identify red flags earlier. We discuss the delicate balance between protecting ourselves and remaining open to genuine connection, and how parenting our own children has motivated us to break generational cycles of trauma.
This conversation marks the beginning of a deeper exploration into trauma and recovery. If you've ever felt alone in your struggles with childhood wounds or toxic relationships, this episode offers validation, understanding, and a reminder that healing—while never linear—is always possible.
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hello hello welcome to. We are not the same but apparently we're a lot more similar than we used to be same thing, only different there's your gorgeous voice. I'm like eat the mic. Sorry you can't see that, but you will soon, because we're gonna start doing instagram lives and you can ask us questions. Look, I'm already like preemptively, like pretending that there's a camera there.
Speaker 2:That's gonna be fun, it's gonna be fun, so you can join us questions.
Speaker 1:Look, I'm already like preemptively, like pretending that there's a camera there. That's going to be fun. It's going to be fun, so you can join us and ask questions, or comments.
Speaker 2:I'm sure there's plenty.
Speaker 1:There is because we get a lot of them. Oh, I should read the fan mail. We have some fan mail.
Speaker 2:We have fan mail, yeah.
Speaker 1:I didn't know. Okay, shall we Do, shall we do. You see how?
Speaker 2:I'm putting off. Um, yeah, we'll just go. We'll do our fan mail real quick, why not? All right, are there questions in there? We can answer the questions.
Speaker 1:Um, there are questions somewhere. Let me get to those. They're in my whole like folder of people. Love the johnny. Bravo from con man to convict when justice is served. I do have to say that one and the original one. Those are our top episodes currently we need we need jen back on, because jen does have more notes and she's on her honeymoon. I know I've been watching her stories and I'm like you deserve all this happiness. It looks so gorgeous there. Um, oh my god, what was I looking at?
Speaker 2:Oh, a fan mail. There it is.
Speaker 1:I'm like what are we doing? The ADHD is strong, yes, and also prep brain. We are less than two weeks out now from the Tangy Pro and it's getting real More cardio, less food.
Speaker 2:I don't know why, but I feel like Tangy should be like Tangy the Tangie show she is she actually used to do fitness.
Speaker 1:Is that person? Yes, oh, she's amazing. So she used to be a competitor, an Olympian, and did fitness. What Lily wants to do. So the little routine. Oh yeah, you also have the bodybuilding portion, but you also complete. I think it's like a minute and 30 seconds routine it's like a floor show. Yeah, you have like certain like push-ups you have to hit and certain jumps that you have to hit, and then the rest you can kind of freestyle. So basically what she already does.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because, like a lot of cheerleaders, have transitioned into that, so she can start when she's 16 with the OCB and it's like already ingrained in her. So she did legs with me, she loves working out, so it's fun.
Speaker 2:She likes abs. We have different kids.
Speaker 1:Okay, that's the one.
Speaker 2:All of my children are so different.
Speaker 1:Let me fill you in on what's been happening with the short one. Yeah, potato, oh my gosh, she's just wild, she's a little feral, she's just.
Speaker 2:Which is crazy because it's normally the second child.
Speaker 1:She screamed that the other day I need to go outside, I'm the feral child, I'm like. She has no idea what that means, but she used it pretty correctly.
Speaker 2:That's so funny. Literally yesterday, when me and aj were driving to go to volleyball I don't even remember what he said, but he said something that made me look at him and I said please don't murder people. And all he did was start laughing I was like listen for real, though, like I know we joke about it a lot, but like I would really love if someone could stand at my funeral and be like she did not raise a murder your kids are great.
Speaker 1:Um kinsley has great like I don't know that child. She was supposed to be coloring with chalk and she ran to a yard sale up the road in a matter of like three minutes got caught and tried to sneak back, but run back not very stealthily I was gonna say nothing against her, but I don't think.
Speaker 1:No, she's a power lifter in the family and we love that for her love that, and also she is like the bull in the china shop. Yeah, oh yeah, like and and owns it and aggressive with love. There's a part of the microphone that works better than another. There it is, um, yeah, so that's what I have on my hands. And then Brayden love him dearly. His spirit animal is a sloth and yes. I have sloth corner in my house and it's like I love that for him.
Speaker 2:We're just not the same.
Speaker 1:It's me and Lily are very, very much similar, so I understand her, she understands me. Um, we just like. It's just literally a mini me, like I see. I see my face and brayden like those little chubby cheeks. Those are mine, those are my cheeks, which is great because I don't get diet face super crazy like a lot of people get really crazy diet face. I don't because I just have these cheeks on me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why putting your face on my head didn't ever work out. Well, did we ever?
Speaker 1:We're going to have to post that.
Speaker 2:I did, I did post one.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're going to post it again. Do you remember what we called this creature?
Speaker 2:Chester, chester the molester.
Speaker 1:Chester the molester, because my face is so big and your features are so small, and then when my features are on your face, it just looks bad.
Speaker 2:When my face is on yours, I look like a chipmunk.
Speaker 1:Yes, and then mine looks like those weird characters like the big eyeballs and the big mouth, like because you're, it's just different. I have a small head. I'm also just like kind of more of a larger, substantial human in general. You know what I mean. I'm just like a bigger person. You take up more space. I do. I'm just like a bigger person, yeah, like I just am built just like we're built different.
Speaker 1:Yes, like it's kind of the same way, like she's just very compact, like there's muscle there, there's like a lot there. I look back at pictures, though. Did I ever show you my first show to last show? I said to Miami pro my very first show ever to. So the the growth in my legs and glutes in two years. Did I ever show you that?
Speaker 2:Probably I, probably not, I don't know. I don't know if I did.
Speaker 1:So we'll also post this on the page we send each other.
Speaker 2:Listen we send each other so much stuff and I get so lost on what conversation is happening on what platform. I know we just keep doing it.
Speaker 1:We just keep talking and now we're not really allowed to talk to each other until we see each other, because then it's like not so great for the podcast material. But I was in my head after miami pro feeling like I don't know, just you know feeling all the things. So I pulled up a first show to last show glute so you can see the difference.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, that's crazy.
Speaker 1:Right, we will share this, too on the Instagram, on the Facebook, like she likes to call it, the Facebook the Facebook okay, no, I love it. So that was, and so now we'll see even more. There was a comparison that I did from the exact weeks out from tangy as an amateur oops, versus it's a little more like that was then. Now it's just I'm leaner, which is wild, because I weigh more, but you know you have no waist. Well, posing helps with that. I actually naturally have a wider waist.
Speaker 2:My rib cage is wider, but posing you don't look like you have a waist at all it's kind of rude actually I'll help you.
Speaker 1:You want to pose with me. You want to do all the no um, I have been working on trying to get my waist in, so that's.
Speaker 2:That's one of the things well, so you know, you look like you don't have one. Thank you, you're welcome, I'll share those photos too.
Speaker 1:Um, I need to get better about posting my photos. I've been sharing more food and people are like thank you for doing that, because like it's interesting and I'm like, okay, well, right now there's a little variety, but there gets to be a point where it's like you're eating what the same over and over yeah, literally, bodybuilding is eating the same things over and over in varying amounts that sounds like literally a nightmare.
Speaker 1:No, I like it, the routine. This is where, oh, this leads into our topic, because I feel like the routine of bodybuilding I thrive in, it's helped me on my healing journey and all of the things which our topic today is a journey through our traumatization I love how we started versus how intense that title just sounded.
Speaker 2:We don't know what's going to happen and then it's like, because that's what it is.
Speaker 1:we've been talking about this for a long time and then we keep avoiding it. But because you just did ketamine and I did ketamine and I want to reframe this we do ketamine infusion therapy. I keep getting some people like you're doing what? And I'm like I forget that, like when I started doing this.
Speaker 2:this is prescribed by a licensed medical professional for mental health. You have to go through a screening.
Speaker 1:Yes, you have to be prescribed to go through a screening, all the things. This is not like a I don't know. I guess, because I've talked about it so much I just assume everyone knows and I'm like, but then I also didn't realize that people use ketamine recreationally.
Speaker 2:So I don't know where I was, but that also that would not be fun recreationally, and I knew about it recreationally. Can you tell me that? That's why I was. Why would you?
Speaker 1:why would you ever want to do that recreationally? Tell me that would not freak you the fuck out at your house did you ever? Somewhere? Could you imagine, yes, life happening in front of your eyes tried.
Speaker 2:I always pronounce it wrong. And I'm going to pronounce it wrong now. Like what? Is it Like salve de norm, or whatever the fuck. That is no. It was like it was legal for a minute.
Speaker 1:I have never been one to want to do any sort of psychedelics or anything that I could not control. Can I tell you that? And we're not the same.
Speaker 2:No, I know, but let me tell you I did that one time and it was I swear. I have no idea someone's gonna correct me because I know I'm saying that wrong. I know for a fact I have to be you are um but it was like some fucking thing that you would smoke and it would make you hallucinate.
Speaker 2:Well, I was with prison, aaron carter, so way back in the day, when we did this and we smoked it off of a bong, which apparently is not recommended, and I would also agree that is not recommended because it was probably the most like crazy visualization of a hallucination that I've ever seen and I've done the ketamine infusion treatment. Like I, uh, prisoner carter thought that he was melting into the couch and like, almost like, had a panic attack because he felt like he couldn't get out of the couch and I felt like I was attached to one of those, um, the, the spinny wheels that they use at the circus when they throw knives at you. I felt like I was attached to one of those and I was spinning and clowns were throwing knives at me.
Speaker 1:I was just going to say to you does that have anything to do with clowns?
Speaker 2:Yes, Fucking clowns were throwing knives at me. It was the worst experience of my life and I was like I don't ever want to do that drug ever again.
Speaker 1:I'm looking it up Salvia.
Speaker 2:Yeah, to it, salvia. Yeah, yeah, yep, deviorum is a plant native, right? Yeah, divinorum, divinorum, I don't know, I don't know, is that?
Speaker 1:I just, I don't know.
Speaker 2:Anyways, that's yeah yeah, I don't know it was crazy. I remember where we did it, I remember who we were hanging out, which is more crazy, if you think about it, because I don't remember the leaves of the plant are psychoactive. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Hallucinogenic experiences. Oh, we're getting off topic again.
Speaker 2:But you need to watch Nine Perfect Strangers. I've watched season one, the new season's out.
Speaker 1:There's three episodes and I've been watching it while I do cardio and it's so much better. Oh, you have to wait for all of them.
Speaker 2:I have to wait for all of them.
Speaker 1:I have to wait for all of them.
Speaker 2:Well suit yourself.
Speaker 1:I have to, and then I'll watch it. Can you hurry up so I can talk to someone about it please?
Speaker 2:I'm sorry. I'll watch the whole thing in one day, can I?
Speaker 1:just say right now it's way better than the first one.
Speaker 2:I watched the White Lotus. I'm caught up now it's so. Season one was definitely better.
Speaker 1:Season one is still the best one, but now then I'd say threes, and then I go back to two. Two is my least. There's a fourth.
Speaker 2:Or whatever. What was the new season Three? I didn't like this one very much.
Speaker 1:I love number one, the best.
Speaker 2:I felt like this one was just too slow the ketamine one.
Speaker 1:Remember Alan, my anesthesiologist? He's the one that told us about White Lotus.
Speaker 2:First is first, no remember I don't baby, I don't remember anything. I don't remember anything.
Speaker 1:This is like really not fun sometimes to have like a podcast?
Speaker 2:co-host I remember that's fair.
Speaker 1:That's fair, but that's because of the trauma I feel like you're using that as a crutch and you could remember a little bit more if you wanted to you know I would, if you wanted to.
Speaker 2:I do try okay, well it's, I swear to god, it's, I do, I know we just need notes.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna start writing you notes. Why don't you just go and read the notes of, like our previous, you don't have to listen. Read our notes of our previous episodes, our description. Yes, read our descriptions and then it can like, maybe prompt you.
Speaker 1:I keep telling myself I need to keep a journal, just so I can be like, just write down the major events of the day, so I can be like, oh, Alan, the platinum gay member, when I was coming out of ketamine and he was like I'm a platinum gay and I had no idea what that meant and he's like it's because I've never experienced.
Speaker 2:You didn't know what that meant. Nope, you were a grown ass adult at your first ketamine. Yeah, I didn't know. We've lived different lives, hold it against me, okay, no, it's just crazy. Yeah, yes, if you don't know which is you, imagine like you tell me the most elaborate stories, as I'm coming out, of ketamine.
Speaker 1:Like his proposal with, like his planned proposal that didn't go through because of covid and all the things with the penguins and how he was gonna like he was gonna propose with penguins, yes, and he had the sketch artist was gonna like do a sketch or whatever in paris, and so then she was gonna like oh, let me just go ahead and like sketch this for you or whatever, like it was gonna be planned. And then, as she turned it around, it was gonna be like will you marry me and the little penguins come out?
Speaker 2:he's gonna rent penguins how much money does this man have?
Speaker 1:I don't know I don't know, but know.
Speaker 2:But like he works a lot, Because I feel like renting penguins is probably yeah, it was a lot.
Speaker 1:But he, they're so in love and I think it was like 25. I don't know it was like 25,000 or something ridiculous like that, but he was going to do it. But he also worked a lot. Like that man worked a lot, did all. Haven't seen them in a while. I think they move back here, but anyways, yes, so a journey through our traumatization, do you love?
Speaker 2:how we keep cold. I know like, are we ever gonna actually get to it? We?
Speaker 1:suck at talking. Are we gonna rock paper scissor for who goes first?
Speaker 2:no, you have to go first? Why?
Speaker 1:we're gonna rock paper scissors I struggle talking.
Speaker 2:I struggle with identifying what is drama. You just get to pick anything, okay so this is, this is the little.
Speaker 1:What do I want to call it? I'm just making sure we're still going. Oh, we are Okay, Because I'm still traumatized from the last episode Is that considered drama. Maybe it was hard to figure that out, but my skills have been broadened as a podcasting.
Speaker 2:You're so much better at this, Like I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Speaker 1:Can we?
Speaker 2:just show up, I just show up. It's the only time I'm ever just like not involved at all.
Speaker 1:What was I saying? Oh, this is your disclaimer. Why did that word escape me?
Speaker 2:Why did that?
Speaker 1:word escape me Disclaimer. Disclaimer that we don't know really what's going to come out. We try to be like let's do our top five and then we're like we're just going to volleyball, back and forth to what we feel like a sharing, but we're going to go like the easiest to share to maybe hardest to share, but they'll come out in weird orders. We don't know. There's no particular orders. If you have questions, shoot us some fan mail or you know how to reach us on Instagram or Facebook and we'll try to answer them next time, but we're just going to see what happens. There'll be another part to this, but this is part one. So just whatever comes out, comes out. Okay, I'm going to see what I'm just going to go for it.
Speaker 2:Go for it. No, you, no, I need you to go first, I need to know.
Speaker 1:We're going to rock paper scissors. It's whatever you're comfortable with, whatever just shoots out. Okay, I'll just tell a story that I think is funny. Are we not going to rock paper scissors? Okay, rock paper scissors, shoot, oh damn it.
Speaker 2:That backfired, because I was like okay, I'll go, and then you have to.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:This whole episode was your idea and now you're not. I am.
Speaker 1:I'm just trying to think about which one I want to start with. I'm like, do you just go with um daughter to an alcoholic father forever?
Speaker 1:forever, my entire life and not only just like an alcoholic, but a functioning alcoholic. So let me tell you how bad those ones are, because a lot of shit happens that no one knows about and everybody thinks everything's perfect and you're required to keep all the fucking secrets as a child, take care of yourself, fend for yourself, but everything looks perfect. That's a big fucking burden to put on a child, so we're gonna leave it at that. Oh, so we're not going.
Speaker 1:Details we can, we can, but there's just so much to unpack in that I feel like that was a really big one, sure? Um, I guess I could just do like markers of that moments. Yes, um, you weren't there, but, um, my dad showed up. He was like gonna come to the cub scout thing that you didn't go to, the one you didn't go to because you had to do something. And he shows up with like black eyes, like fucked up, doesn't even know how he got to where he was apparently a tree had fallen on him or something. And then, okay, I like proceed to take him with me on this event, yeah, and he tries giving everybody happy pills, which is fucking percocet and he has like alcohol on him and him and oh my gosh, what was aiden's dad's?
Speaker 1:no, we don't have to drop names, but one of the kids, okay yes, ac they were. They were like friends and I'm like yeah I wonder why. Yeah, yeah, so it was funny. So yeah, that was the last time I ever allowed my dad to come around anything, so that was like the last time.
Speaker 2:That's funny uh, that was like, oh my god, what 10 years ago yeah, okay, and I should clarify the only reason why I'm saying that's funny it's because daughter of an alcoholic mother, it's all funny ellen heinz also fucking high functioning.
Speaker 2:She had a good job at. At one point she owned her own home and then should happen when we were, when I was teenager and all the things and but she also, um, not my kid's birthday party, because she would go to my sister's kid's birthday parties but not mine or my other sisters. Like tell me you have a favorite without telling me you have a favorite but is it because she's allowed to drink and be messy there?
Speaker 1:no, it's just because she just liked jen more which, oh, jen, I didn't know if it was yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, sorry, I missed that she would go to jen's kids birthday parties every year and would not go to my kids birthday parties and would not go to my other sister kids birthday parties like she would like once or twice in the grand scheme of our children and our kids are old. Um, what was the most fucked up thing she ever did? She went, showed up to one of jen's kids birthday parties and was like, do you guys have any speed?
Speaker 2:and we're like you were at a birthday party like, and that was one party and then another party.
Speaker 1:She came up and she was like she's like, oh, we have to leave.
Speaker 2:We, we have mushrooms, like like all the time, all the time the things. Uh, there was time when me and prison aaron carter were living with her and she sent him into her bedroom to get something. And, uh, he comes back out, gives it to her whatever. He has this weird look on his face and I was like yo, what's up? And he's like just so, you're aware, your mom has like a mirror on her nightstand that just has rows of different colored chopped up pills. I'm like, oh, so that's super fun that we get to explore how that's going to explode later. So yay, so yeah, just always on, right.
Speaker 2:Those types of people are just always on. See, my dad was just alcohol, but I feel like, oh, my mom, everything, my mom's everything.
Speaker 1:We used to have oh I almost outed myself for something bad.
Speaker 2:No, just alcohol we used to have like a pool of what was going to take her out, because she was just. It was everything. It was cigarettes, it was alcohol.
Speaker 1:It was drugs. Yours was a little more unpredictable.
Speaker 2:Yes, because you never knew who you were getting, because it depended on what she was on that day. Yeah, because it depended on what she was on that day. Yeah, dad would just get blacked out drunk and me, you know, mean, yeah, yeah, me and my mom used to have physical fights, like actual physical fights. Um, there was this girl um named little amy, because apparently I've always done fucking nicknames. Oh, we have a new nickname. It might not be this episode, but we have a new nickname.
Speaker 1:It might not be this episode, but we have a new nickname. We'll get there.
Speaker 2:But little Amy, she was one of my best friends in like middle school and high school and like she would stay on the line to listen to me and my mom physically beat the crap out of each other so that in case it got too bad she could call the cops, because I'd be like, hey, hold on.
Speaker 2:I just leave the phone down and like we would full on physically wrestle and fight. And there was one time she threw flour in my eyes and I was wearing contacts. So then they get all pasty and stuck and you can't get it out and it's like fucking flour in my eyes while I was wearing contacts. So I drop, kicked her like it got it, was it got real. Let's just say that a lot. So I get it. I get it. I get it the worst. I feel like I'm just ragging on my mom, but I mean I could match story for story.
Speaker 1:Mine was never like see different. So my parents were married, stayed married big different my divorce my dad, you know, I don't know, like he's gone, my mom's still here, but they have their. You know, I don't know, she probably doesn't want me to share any of this, but anyways, um, I guess, yeah, they, he would physically assault her a lot, so I would be the one that would just make sure it wouldn't be too bad. But, um, there were times where, like, yeah, he was very, very abusive, very mean, very scary. Yeah, um, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's hard when it's almost harder when you watch it, cause you don't know, like as a kid, you you know, like if I'm in it, I know to fight back, I know what to do, but if I'm watching it, like, what do I do? My mother and, uh, stepdad number two, tim one, tim two, no, tim one, tim one either one very different very different people.
Speaker 2:Um, they got in some huge fight and we were sleeping, so I don't like remember the fight, but like all I know is he smacked her so hard it broke her jaw and yet somehow she still like bit a chunk out of his arm, like a full-on chunk out of his arm. Um, so while we were in montana, and like the only reason why my mom didn't also go to jail was because we were in the house, and but then, like this is where, like so that part's not necessarily dramatic, because I didn't see it, but it was like the aftermath of it and like how she handled it. Like she got a protection order. She told us how horrible he was and how we could never talk to him and how we had to burn all of his shit and all of that stuff. And then, like two weeks later, they make up and they're happy and oh no, now we love him and okay, you forget all that stuff.
Speaker 2:So then growing up shocker that I let everything go in my relationships because I'm like it's okay I have a somewhat similar but different story.
Speaker 1:Weird how this is happening. All right, we're just letting it go. I kind of like how it's happening. Um, so my mom was not an aggressor, she just would let it happen to her. Yes, um, another difference um, also, we lived in hayden. So like she would go like escape off into the woods and then he would come after me so, but like in a blackout, I don't know. Know, like there's always excuses made. Um, you didn't talk about it at all the next day. Um, it was just like. But then it happened over and over again. So there was one point in time where we escaped in the middle of the night and I thought it was like over for good. Um, we didn't go back. We like stayed in aunt and uncle's house but ended up go back. We like stayed in aunt and uncle's house but ended up going back, and I remember being so upset to be put back in that exact same situation. I mean being ripped out of my home in the middle of the night and fucking pajamas.
Speaker 2:Cause you finally get some fucking hope, and then it's just taken away from me. I hate, the word. Hope my therapist gets so mad because of how much I hate the word.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I was very resentful. My brother at the time was older than me six years older so then he could go and like be his friends or be gone, and I just was a fucking pawn. Not even a pawn, I was like a forgotten person that was just like left in the house to like listen to everything and be in it and it was like you just hide and I don't know.
Speaker 1:I moved out the day I turned 18. I dealt with a lot of shit growing up. I don't know just it was. You just deal with it on your own.
Speaker 2:I think that's why my hyper independence comes in 100 I was gonna say because I get that the feeling of being alone because my oldest sister was five years older than me and then jen was two and a half years older than me, but jen had her own issues with our mom and she moved in with our dad when she was like 14 and I was like 11 or 12 or something like that. So in my brain she escaped. And then my oldest sister I was 13 when she was gone. So from 13 on it was just me and my crazy ass mom and I. I felt very like left.
Speaker 2:Yes, like that's where my abandonment issues stem from. For sure, because I was all like no one's gonna help me. Yeah, but I didn't even realize that it was a problem for me until my mom passed away. That was the moment that I realized that I had all of these like lingering issues of abandonment from childhood and then I was like, oh, that makes so much sense and the abandonment, like okay, because I feel that right on every level, um, um, and then like luke dying, it's like not your fault, but you still fucking left me.
Speaker 1:Um, I push people away I don't so that they can't leave you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, I wonder if I don't even let myself like. I'm exploring this topic more and more because attachment theory is new. Right, that's a new fucking thing. It's new, yeah, ish, I feel like it's newish when talking about it now. Um, I don't, I don't know. I'm like I don't get attached. I'm like super independent and I'm reading all this shit, I'm like, oh, that in and of itself is like an attachment thing. Yeah, so, but I think there's like varying degrees for everyone. Um, again, I'm just super hyper independent and I feel like I just don't need anyone. Well, I've always been like that. I never need anyone. Oh, here we go. I've always been like that. This is the thing right.
Speaker 2:That's how trauma works heather.
Speaker 1:I also don't think it's a bad thing I guess maybe that's just not that it's a bad thing. Maybe I need to explore that more. There is a member in the universe was like you need to ask for help. I kept like feeling like I didn't need to ask for help and then I got fucking stranded at lake tahoe when I had to ask for a ride. Do you remember that? No, we weren't talking then.
Speaker 1:But it was like I literally got lost in the middle of lake tahoe. A sailboat came up to give me. I said no, then I like had to go, like get out on the water and then literally had to ask somebody for a ride because it was like, and it was another two mile hike with my paddleboard. Anyways, I'm like this is the universe assigned to ask for fucking help, isn't it?
Speaker 2:it's hard, though. It's so hard to ask for help because we basically felt like we didn't have anybody else that we could rely on except ourselves. Like that's the feeling that you get when you deal with trauma as a child.
Speaker 1:Right, probably not for everybody, but I feel like I have a question yes, um, how are you supposed to get over that when nobody actually is ever there for you and how do I'm done putting myself out there to rely on anyone, because every single person has ever really let me down. Do you feel that? I would just I would just rather never have that ball in someone's court, to ever let me down.
Speaker 2:That way everybody's happy then you're not setting yourself up for disappointment or other people feeling yeah like well, I don't want to rely on you, so that's because, okay, so in my experience, anytime I get vulnerable with somebody or I open up to somebody, I let them in, I let them know the things that affect me, I let them know about the trauma, I let them know any sort of specifics where I'm vulnerable. They then weaponize that and use that against me, and so it's hard to have that happen to you multiple times and then still be expected to go out and provide trust to new people. I think that's what it is.
Speaker 1:That's what it is for me. Yeah, I guess I don't even open up at all, like I don't get vulnerable. I haven't for a while. Luke was my person, and that was the only person I needed.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I got burned because Fat Roger was my best friend. When all of the stuff went down with Prison Aaron Carter, he used it against you, good lord, did he? He literally used every single thing. I told him, oh, because he would be like, well, how did carrie keep you for so long? How did blah, blah, blah, how did this happen? How did this happen? And I would open up and I said, oh, probably because this, and probably because I feel this way, and probably because of this. And then he totally used that as a tactic to make me feel those exact emotions. And then I was hooked and trapped in all the things. Because I'm dumb, you're not dumb.
Speaker 2:I'm getting so much better. Can we just say that for a minute?
Speaker 1:though. Yes, can we segue into the new nickname?
Speaker 2:Lemon, because he was a lemon.
Speaker 1:Was you have a lemon, a lemon as a person, as a person. A lemon as a car is a lemon as a person.
Speaker 2:It's the same thing yeah, he's probably gonna listen to this and hate me and all the things, and that's fine. That's fine, I'm okay. I've realized this is something that I think is part of my healing journey. Part of my problem growing up is being a people pleaser, because I don't want to burden anybody and I don't want to be in anyone's way and I don't want anybody to feel any sort of way about me, like I'm so concerned about what other people think about me. And then I'm getting to a point now where, like that's how I know I'm healing is because I'm caring less and less and less about what other people think about me, because I'm gonna be the villain in someone's story where I shouldn't be anyway. So why put all my energy and effort?
Speaker 1:because like you know, okay, I have not cared what people thought about me for a long time because people, I admire that dude.
Speaker 2:I don't know how you do that, I just I work on it, yeah well, that's your.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just don't give two shits. And also great example is because you know the stories that have been put out there now from mr tiny ankles himself, and then you know the truth. So it's just so funny like people are always going to spin things to suit their narrative yeah, that's so true.
Speaker 2:I just don't know why it bothers me so much. I know it should not I know I'm like why? Because?
Speaker 1:I'm the type of person I wish I could give you a little bit of that for me.
Speaker 2:I know I would take it in a fucking heartbeat because I feel both sides of the coin. I feel like I'm a fucking badass woman is this like? But I also feel like I am a burden to every single person I've ever spoken to ever and I feel like I should apologize. I'm so sorry. You've had to hear my voice and how to deal with me and all of the things. But on the other coin I'm a fucking catch.
Speaker 1:God damn it I think part of your healing is going to be listening to the podcast, listening to yourself picking up on I hate I hate the sound of my voice.
Speaker 2:It's such a small thing, so anyways lemon.
Speaker 1:You didn't even talk about lemon. He came and went, did not make the 90 day cut did not make the 90 day cut.
Speaker 2:It doesn't go on my permanent record.
Speaker 1:You learned some things I learned a lot of things. You grew. I think that was a good little stepping stone yeah, because I have.
Speaker 2:This is my biggest problem. I think and this stems back to my trauma, because I've always wanted like this picture, perfect, loving family that I've never had right, I never got to experience what a normal, happy family is. My point of reference is like television.
Speaker 2:I don't think that there is one cookie cutter no, but I just mean the general, like the mom and dad together and the kids and the happy family and all the things. So that's part of the reason why I stayed in prison aaron carter for so long was because I wanted that so badly like I try so hard to make that happen do you still want that, or is that gone for you?
Speaker 1:oh, that's a great question because, your kids are also grown, so you can't really have that anymore.
Speaker 2:It's gone for's gone for me. It's 100% gone for me, and so that's a part of the healing is the accept. I'm not marrying you.
Speaker 1:I'm not having kids ever, so I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, you mean because there's one downstairs, because you have a little one I know she actually is like 86 years old. She's just trapped in a six-year-old body. No, she is a hellion, she's like a thousand year old titan I don't even yes. I love her, but she's a lot.
Speaker 2:But so, yes, my issue is I look at potential, I look at what it could be.
Speaker 1:Quit being a fixer-upper, I know god damn it. Why do you like them so much?
Speaker 2:I should have my own show on TLC where it's me just trying to fix up men and then sending them off to their forever home. This is how we're different.
Speaker 1:I'm like when you start listing off like all the shit, I'm like I gotta go because like I got enough of my own. I got enough of my own shit that I'm processing and dealing with. I don't need to. I don't need to. I have three children and my own self, and I have goals.
Speaker 2:And you need to be able to take care of yourself. There's it just yeah, yeah, which is fair. But see, that's why I'm doing better, because I used to be like okay on paper.
Speaker 2:On paper, this looks great. This should be able to work, because I have this, this and this to bring to the table. This person has the potential to bring this, this and this to the table, and so the math is nothing, but then in practice it's just fucking not. And so, but this time I was like. This reminds me I was able to specifically be like. This reminds me of that. This reminds me of that and I was like and that made me miserable yes, yes, we are.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, we were talking about this and I was very proud of you. I also am learning that. I think I just want to be single. I have put so much time into so many things.
Speaker 2:I don't have like the bandwidth yeah, well, and that seems to be a reoccurring theme. What people get upset with you about, which is mind-boggling for me, is even just people that you talk to, or whatever they're like you're never available, not upset, just like it's what they call attention to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's like, okay, this won't work because you don't have.
Speaker 2:You're always busy, but it's like you knew that going in. Why is it it's? Why is it surprising after the fact?
Speaker 1:I know, I think it's because, like I come in a pretty package.
Speaker 2:But then like they think that, like people think oh she's a widow and there's three kids and there's, you know, it's okay, though I don't know, I think the pretty package just skews it you gotta. Maybe I should talk about the trauma more I don't think so, because I don't have the pretty package that you have and people still like it's still not. So I don't think that's it.
Speaker 1:I mean like it diverts from all the things right, it's like, oh, she's a lot going on, but it's like really pretty package, so maybe we just try anyways just ignore all the rest.
Speaker 2:I don't know, but I make it really hard to catch. I'm really hard to actually get me that's because you don't know what you want, and I think that's why you think that and I'm really nice and I think people misconceive that. For, to the try, oh, that's fair too, because like, because I'm like no I have no idea.
Speaker 2:I don't think I've ever intentionally like flirted because I feel like that would make me uncomfortable, like I don't know. You know what I mean. Yeah, so when people think I'm flirting with them, that's all. That's all. You, buddy, I'm definitely not actively trying to flirt with you because I don't know how, because that would make me uncomfortable to do that. So to me, I don't know. I'm like where does it come from? Lemon told me that he loved me like super quick, and my response first off was no, you don't.
Speaker 2:But then I literally was like like I don't even believe that you like me and like what but we will discuss this. I think that the word gets used a little too much way too much um but especially that's where part of the trauma comes in, though even if somebody even if somebody genuinely I would never like this.
Speaker 1:I would never like this until I wouldn't believe it. I wasn't like this, though, until I like this, until I wouldn't believe it. I wasn't like this, though, until I don't know, johnny, bravo yeah because I was married and had a very great experience you have both sides of the coin.
Speaker 2:I only have tails. And then I just recently was very traumatized and all the things.
Speaker 1:So that could be, I'll just go ahead. That's the very public traumatization that uh really has affected me more than I want to lead on. And the children is fucking tiny ankles, stealing from me for months, underneath my nose, lying next to me at night, telling me he loved me, when all the while he was draining me well, everything he could get, and lying about everything that came out of his mouth was a lie.
Speaker 2:Well, and the big aspect, Talk about a long game.
Speaker 1:Talk about the long game and no consideration for the children.
Speaker 2:No, because that's the hard part Specifically with your situation is Potato was young when she lost her dad and that affected her tremendously, but she's not even aware of how much it's affecting her type of thing. But then now here's this other person, who spent the majority of her life with her, that all of a sudden, pretended to do under these very okay.
Speaker 1:She asked one time can I call you my on earth dad? And he and then I had the conversation with him. You can't play this role without so like fully well knowing what he was doing that's why it's hard to date people with kids especially young kids.
Speaker 2:I would, I would very much prefer and that's selfish, because I have children, but my children are older but they have their own trauma that they've gone through because of their dad and that whole breakup situation that was. That was really hard on all of us. Um, but dating somebody with young kids it's hard because people get attached and then you just something happens and sometimes the kids are aware because kids are so much more observant than we ever give them credit for the whole tiny ankle situation.
Speaker 2:Brayden and lily both knew what was going on, yeah but potato didn't no so that's hard, because then she's just like she was the one that was like closest to him.
Speaker 1:I think because like the other ones were like oh, he's just like a friend. You know what I mean, because that's like I have always been, like luke is dad, like you don't call anyone else that. Like I've never, ever said anything like that, like never, um. So there, it's just like it was different. It was more like a friendship where I think kinsley just attached I mean she has attachment, so that being ripped has really caused like this whole other traumatization with her and the attachment coming out and just in her acting out yeah, yeah, so that's fun, yeah yeah, but I mean I think it's no.
Speaker 2:I mean kids act out when they experience stuff. Maybe not right away I mean both my kids got arrested multiple times dumb ass shit. I mean they're good now, they've gotten through it and all that stuff but like kids get affected by things that they see and they don't even know that it's affecting them and that's how. Yeah, we ended up with all not all of our trauma, but a good chunk of the trauma is because when it's happening, you don't even know that it's traumatic, because you're just, that's just what you're living through. That's just what you're used to.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and a lot of the time I I mean ever since being involved in the accident luke passing away all that came with that after, like, I'm still healing and growing, I still have not been to the accident site, which I think that's going to be something we should go. I think I'm ready.
Speaker 2:We're about to hit five years, which is a big milestone. Oh my God.
Speaker 1:In less than 18 days. Yeah, 18 days away.
Speaker 2:And that's that's hard in and of itself, Just like the big milestones of traumatic events Like they hit you.
Speaker 1:Well, and I feel like the first couple of years I was kind of like in a fog yeah, that's fair Trying to escape, trying to be like reprocess things, and then I feel like I wasted time Like kind of in a treading period. Um, but bodybuilding definitely, like you know the structure the routine.
Speaker 2:As much as it like, I don't know it well, it gives you something to focus on. That's so important it. I used to always have to have the tv on music, on some sort of background noise on, because I'm like I cannot be left with my thoughts because I, for someone who has such a shit memory, I go back and forth and I I think of the most traumatic things that have happened to me all the time all the fucking time speaking of.
Speaker 1:I told you there was going to be a part two. Let's wrap up this part one, since I told my most traumatizing um relationship, a bad experience I mean you don't have to go through your most, but you do a relationship one for you, since I ended with Johnny Bravo yeah, I can talk about that, roger, because that's the most traumatizing of my relationships just name, or you can talk about one incident and then we'll wrap it up and you'll have to stay tuned for part two.
Speaker 1:One incident and then we'll wrap it up and you'll have to stay tuned for part two one instant.
Speaker 2:I will just go like. So how do I go into this?
Speaker 2:okay um, the the name thing. You know that when, when we first started hanging out, we were best friends, whatever, you tease each other, whatever and one day he randomly um, I used to put myself down a lot and he sarcastically was like, oh yeah, you're such a fucking troll, like, and it was a joke, and that's when, when we were friends, before we were anything right. So then it kind of became this inside joke, um, where he would call me troll. And then once we got together and the manipulation started and the gas lighting started and everything, it became like a real thing where, like, I had to answer to troll or do you realize that that's a red flag like?
Speaker 2:okay, joking things in the beginning like I do now, okay, just want to make sure I know I had no idea, um, and then it turned into I wouldn't, either, I didn't, either I didn't know then.
Speaker 1:so yeah, but now we know, now we know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, then. So like I had to respond to troll, or he wouldn't talk to me.
Speaker 1:You never told me this.
Speaker 2:No, no because I knew, like you know, you know that it's not good, but stupid ugly troll, and that was the only way he would refer to me. And then somehow it morphed into stupid ugly cunt and that was he didn't call me babe, he didn't call me lacy, he didn't call me literally anything other than stupid ugly cunt, and he would tell me every day that he didn't like my face and he would tell me that nobody would ever love me but him by the way, the whole thing is that's where, lacy I love your face he came from.
Speaker 1:I hate it, I know, but you do realize where I was trying to combat I know it came from a good place, but I fucking hate it so much I was very tipsy that it doesn't really roll off the tongue like it did then, and I used to love saying it to you all the time and didn't make it better.
Speaker 2:But that's the whole thing, right, like it's slow and it's progressive. It was two and a half years of being told every day that you're fucking ugly and believing it by the end of it. And so then you get out of it and someone says anything nice to you and you literally feel sick to your stomach, because now anyone who ever compliments me from that moment on I view as a liar. I felt like he was the only person who loved me enough to be honest with me about how I should really see myself, because he told me that every fucking day and you believe it after. Well, this I've always said like I understand how people end up in cults. Yeah, and it's gradual.
Speaker 2:It is pleasant in the beginning. You are granted this promise of something that you are missing. Yes, I had the same experience of tiny ankles in a different way yep, what's in there, and then that's where we can pick up for episode two. I'm so excited the journey has shared some shit the journey has just begun.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, that's just. This is a little bit all right. Wow, all right. Didn't think all that would come out, but here we are that's what we get for welcome to our shit show admit one or however many it's free, come on in, it is not free.
Speaker 2:It is no longer free 1500 meat and grape fee.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, listening is free. Just subscribe like follow us on all the socials until next time. Bye, besties. Oh my god, that's so funny.