we are NOT the SAME
We Are Not the Same: Join our comedic journey as Bodybuilder Barbie flexes her muscles against Daria’s dry wit! Dive into the hilarity of life’s twists and turns through the eyes of two contrasting besties who prove that different perspectives lead to the best stories. Tune in for laughs, randomness, and a sprinkle of chaos!
we are NOT the SAME
Milk, Mustard, and Moving Forward
What keeps us locked in cycles of trauma, and how do we finally break free? This raw, vulnerable conversation takes you through our parallel journeys of healing from toxic relationships and traumatic experiences.
The conversation opens with a crucial insight: toxic relationships aren't awful from day one. They start with genuine connection before gradually eroding boundaries through what we call "breadcrumbing"—offering just enough positive moments to keep you holding on through increasingly difficult times. We share our personal experiences with this pattern and the pivotal moments that finally helped us recognize and escape these dynamics.
Our discussion reveals how differently trauma can manifest in our lives. While some experiences leave obvious scars, others hide beneath the surface, emerging in unexpected ways years later. We explore how our bodies physically store trauma even when our minds try to deny it, from mysterious hip pain to the strange phenomenon of anniversary reactions. The distinction between genuinely processing grief versus just burying it emerges as a crucial theme.
The parallels in our healing journeys—from addiction recovery to setting boundaries to recognizing red flags—showcase both universal patterns and highly individual responses to trauma. We share the tools that have helped us along the way, from therapy and ketamine treatments to bodybuilding and music, revealing how creating joy amid healing is not just possible but necessary.
Take this journey with us as we navigate the messy, non-linear path of trauma recovery with honesty, occasional humor, and deep compassion for ourselves and each other. Whether you're just beginning your healing journey or well along your path, this conversation offers both validation and hope.
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hello, hello, hello. Welcome back to.
Speaker 2:We are not the same and part two of the journey through our traumatization did not sound as ominous this time.
Speaker 1:No, it didn't. It didn't probably because we already talked about some shit and so I feel a little loosey-goosey about it. I know, we were just scared and I'm like who, what's gonna come up again?
Speaker 2:disclaimer we don't know what the hell's going to come up in this. It is what it is. We're just volleying back and forth.
Speaker 1:Whatever we say, we say Story for story. It's also very similar, but different stories per usual, yeah, but I think it's a testament to our friendship though, because we have trauma, trauma bonded realistically. We totally have and we've gone through similar.
Speaker 2:Yes, so I feel like you get me on a different level and I get you, and we just did without even like having to communicate it we always seem to be in a similar place at the same time and like, not like, planned that way like when we very first met, you know we were both in happy hell well we were in relationships I was about to say happy, healthy ones.
Speaker 1:But mine was like normal breakup kind of at the same time, and then we both kind of went through our downfall at the same time. We both, to your point, became sober at the same time, but not together. Like yeah, it's just weird how it worked out that way. But yeah, we and here we are. It makes it so that we understand each other. Well, I always say I speak heather you do, especially like in prep.
Speaker 2:I'm like I don't finish sentences or I say weird things, but I know what you mean um to a point like, yes, being in prep, um, so I have more brain cells I feel like I should than I did coming back from Florida before Miami pro. But I still feel like my brain is just like I'm very air heady would be a good description Like it's just very like hard to focus, it's just to be fair, you have deprived your body of you know food.
Speaker 1:Well, no, I eat better now I eat.
Speaker 2:It's just varying amounts. Actually, it changes. Um, we're doing a little refeed, but it's still like it's such a cruel trick. When you feed your body more, it's like now I'm more hungry, now I want more food. I'm like, can you not just be satisfied with the amount you get, but now you have a toxic relationship with your body.
Speaker 1:That's the same way it is in relationships. Can you not just be happy with what I'm like?
Speaker 2:Calm down. You've had enough.
Speaker 1:You've had enough. You always want more, I know.
Speaker 2:It's cruel. It's like I give you more and you want more. That's so funny. Gaslight myself and do this prep. It's that's so funny. Gaslight myself and through this prep. It's fine. No, I'm enjoying, uh, being two weeks out where this is good. We're almost to the point where we get to fill up and get more carbs, so I'm happy I'm happy because now you're gonna eat before we podcast, so you're not angry.
Speaker 2:I know, I just had some chicken with, uh, till pickle mustard, which is freaking amazing. Um, but yeah, why don't we get right into it? So what shall we start with now?
Speaker 1:that's a good question. We left off where we were talking about how we can we understand how people end up in cults? Yeah it's the gradual slow burn. It is a slow burn like I was with prisoner and carter for nine and a half years.
Speaker 2:Think that you need to be reliant on them, that you need them for your happiness.
Speaker 1:Dopamine hits see, we have very different experiences there, because I did not have that well, I'm just saying in general I was generalizing, not our experiences.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying like as a cult, like how that would work, like you?
Speaker 1:bring them in, oh you make them feel good.
Speaker 2:You give them dopamine rushes, you make them dependent on you. I was saying in general I've never been a part of a cult, but I see how it works and it does it lures you in. If it were all bad, you would not be a part of it. Obviously it was good in the beginning.
Speaker 1:That is such an important part that I that I think people forget about, because I was with prisoner carter for nine and a half years. Was it awful for all nine and a half years? No, I wouldn't immediately be with a person well, I guess now. But but I'm learning and I'm getting out in the trial period time frames. I was fine, um, but like the first, like two years that we were together were great. He was, he had a car, he had a job, he used to write me poetry.
Speaker 1:I know he would read books like, but, but that's how it is Right, it was like it was good in the beginning and then it changes slowly.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I wasn't around. I wasn't your friend for the good, so I weren't making really awful faces. I'm like, yeah, we heard this part, but yeah, I don't believe it.
Speaker 1:But it's true, but that's the whole thing. That's how it gets you is that it's gradual and so that toxic people yes, just like they purposely give you little bits of good so that you have something to hold on to Breadcrumbs, breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbing the good, so that you have something to hold on to bread crumbs. Bread crumbing because if it was awful, 100 of the time, yes, but we should stop focusing on the little bit of bread crumbs and being like consistent stability showing up.
Speaker 2:I know you're doing better now. Yeah, I'm just making. This is like this.
Speaker 1:This time was good for me because the there was one specific moment that, like, who knew it was going to be the changing moment? Like it could have been such a small thing. Here's the thing it could have been such a small thing. It could have been something that I probably should have looked at as a red flag about lemon yeah okay, yeah, we're talking about lemon.
Speaker 1:Uh, it could have been something very easily that we just we had a bad day, we went to bed, we started the next day and just like it was a wash and we just moved on and then everything could have ended up different. But because broken people break people, and that relationship was two people who were both on their healing journey but, I feel, in very different places within that journey. So one person was like okay, me, I'll just. I'll just lay out what happened.
Speaker 1:I got irritated, I got lied to, I he showed up late not a big deal, but enough to be like I'm allowed to be irritated. He also showed up on drugs and I didn't know.
Speaker 2:So there is that. There is that. I know I'm underplaying.
Speaker 1:I have a tendency drugs, drugs that, like you, don't usually do recreationally out in public of people especially when you're like going to an event with your girlfriend's friends and you haven't met and if you claimed you were never mind I shouldn't keep giving details, but I'm like, anyways, from this end of it, it just you don't seem like a productive member of society.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry well, yeah.
Speaker 1:So basically there was lies, there was lateness, there was drugs. I was irritated. I had a right to be irritated. I will say this over and over and over again remember how we talked about cat pee cigarette cigarette smoke is on the same level of cat pee.
Speaker 2:Remember the cat pee trailer. I equate cigarette smoke is on the same level of cat pee.
Speaker 1:Yeah, remember the cat pee trailer yeah, I equate cigarette smoke to cat pee trailer yes, so you know what that was. That should be something that you should just hard pass part.
Speaker 2:I and I'm I learned, again learning so you should ask this question I now know that that's a that's a hard no, so you're gonna ask this question before you even go on a date with someone yes, whether or not they smoke, but I didn't know when he told me that he smoked. Hello, I'm interrupting. Okay, yeah, you didn't know. So that's why I'm reinforcing. You're like my child right now. No, because I'm trying to explain to the people who don't know the story I know, but I'm trying to get you to not forget and memorize and internalize that you will ask the question about smoking I hear you.
Speaker 1:How do you not ever ask that? Because I didn't know that it bothered me oh, it's so. I oh see, it's always been a hard pass for me, so maybe that's why, I'm always like I smoked cigarettes for 16 years of my life which I feel like you should be even more like hell. No, get away from me right, probably, but in the in. This was the first experience I had we could also call him stepping stone you could, because I learned a lot. Yeah, I learned a lot about myself.
Speaker 2:I mean janessa did say this was the best stepping stone that could have happened.
Speaker 1:I feel like it was it was a great stepping stone. No, it was great.
Speaker 2:It was great.
Speaker 1:Yes, best possible, get your feet wet yeah, because it also showed me how much I have healed.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you had great boundaries.
Speaker 1:I said boundaries. Nothing awful happened. I communicated very well, which is very hard for me.
Speaker 2:Nothing really awful happened no, not really, just you being irritated and got the ick.
Speaker 1:Because but it was because I got irritated and he got mad at me for being irritated.
Speaker 1:Which should not happen, which shouldn't happen, because I communicated I was irritated. See, I'm should not happen, which shouldn't happen because I communicated I was irritated. See, I'm using my therapy, I'm doing all the things. I'm actively working in therapy about feeling my emotions because apparently I'm fucking soulless and I'm just shut that shit so far down and I just don't. I just don't. So I was proud of myself because I'm like, yes, I'm irritated and I'm gonna fucking let myself be irritated.
Speaker 1:My therapist is gonna be so proud of me and heather was proud of me and janessa was like, totally, that makes sense. And then he got mad at me for being irritated at him. And then I that's that was the moment in my brain I was all like so you are telling me intentionally or not intentionally you are telling me that it is not safe for me to feel my emotions in front of you. Is what you're saying? Because you're gonna get mad at me because're going to be the victim and you're making me out to be a villain because you're saying I'm treating you differently, which I didn't, by the way, got confirmation from the third party who was present, did not treat I read the.
Speaker 2:I read the text the messages yeah, yeah and I, I'm on team, I'm on team, lacy, anyways but you're still right in the scenario you are still right, I would call. I mean, if I you're right, I don't, there's not a scenario, we haven't been but I feel like I would say you're out of, you're out of line. If you were out of line or he wasn't doing anything, but you were totally right in the scenario, yeah, and the whole thing. I want to say I'd be unbiased, but I feel like I'm biased.
Speaker 1:You're definitely right.
Speaker 2:I'm like, I'm so honest, I'm so honest to a fault, I'm like you were right and I'm like but here's the thing.
Speaker 1:But I really, I would think that regard, even if you were wrong, I would think that you're right. I get that and that's fair. But you were so right. But this was the thing too, because I, I thought about that right, because in my brain I, I am now the. I went from the one that was like I'm the toxic one, now, let's just call it I'm the toxic one now. Let's just call it I'm the toxic one now because I have no trust and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and I can't automatically assume that you being nice to me is real. But then when it does drop and it is a facade and all the things, then I feel justified and I'm like, haha, my suspicions were right and all the things. And now I have the ick and now I can't see you any other way, because now I just see that.
Speaker 2:Okay, be fair, you've only had those experiences, and then the experience that I went through only validated yours times like four years, so it's like really fucking traumatizing you know what I mean I told you the whole time. But I mean, it's true like there's only been people, that men that have proven you correct yes, and then you also saw it play out in my life, right before your eyes, and witnessed both. I mean yeah.
Speaker 1:So my, my fears and my concerns and my reasons for not trusting are validated over and over and over and over again.
Speaker 2:No. So here's the thing. Well, no, they are validated, but your brain is just like a brain at the end of the day, right? So it just tries to make sense of things that are happening it tries to justify the action, what it does is. It's going to what you have in memory, right? So it just goes back to like to solve the problem. It's just always solving problems, right?
Speaker 2:so if you've only had experiences where it plays out, your brain is only going to be able to play those experiences you're not going to be able to play out a different scenario where I can sometimes because I've had the other scenario with luke, yes, but now I've had like, so I've had in relationship ways, but like I feel like I can usually go see both sides of things pretty well, or I try to run through both sides of things, um, but you can only do that if you've had experiences or witnessed it. Like your brain can't actually come up with a new scenario, it's only going to. Maybe now the ketamine you'll be able to remap some things and maybe but here's I don't want you to be super vulnerable you have to protect yourself on some level for a while. This is like you actually have to, I think for a while nowadays you have to because someone I like your 90 day thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, show me how you could be for 90 days. 90 days trial period. I think it's fair they have. They have 90 day fiance. Why can't I have a 90 day trial period?
Speaker 2:yes, it's a red flag for me people running in too quickly, and also because, like I don't, I'm not looking for someone. So if it like you know what I mean. Like I don't, I'm not looking for someone, so if it like, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like I don't like the people that attach, like Well, and it is difficult to hide your true colors for that long. Eventually, who you really are is going to come out in some way, in some way, whether or not we listen to it. That's a whole different story, because we're we're getting better.
Speaker 2:We're getting better.
Speaker 1:We're getting better, which is why I didn't make it out of the trial period this time, because I realized in that moment that was a situation that in the past I would have let go and it would have presented itself again and again one way or another. One way or another it would have presented itself and I would have always let it go. And then I would have built resentment and I would have built that hatred in the pit of my stomach. And I would have built resentment and I would have built that hatred in the pit of my stomach and I would have been like I hate my boyfriend, because that's where I always end up. How are you? I hate my boyfriend and I don't like. Why not just address it now, the very first time? Why not? And I feel good about it, I feel good for myself.
Speaker 2:It was good.
Speaker 1:I feel like it's not a bad person. Bad day Ruined it.
Speaker 2:Not really. You guys just didn't align and it was never going to work. So I'm glad that you.
Speaker 1:And I just don't think I was ready. I tried to be, I wanted to be. I think we both came to this conclusion. Yeah, I just don't think dating's in the cards for us.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I don't think. I don't think we can date and do our healing journey at the same time.
Speaker 2:Well, I also just have a lot going on in my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're busy as fuck. I'm your best friend and I barely see you. I see you more now, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm not doing classes anymore at Move. They didn't like that. My kids had cheer stuff and my kids take precedent over everything. So stay tuned If you need any lifestyle coaching. I'm here online or in person so we can meet that way, or I have yeah, I don't know, mine is here I'm not gonna be a move anymore.
Speaker 1:I'm at hardcore um I know it's, it's actually already weird, because I I've stopped working in texas for a while now and it's better for both of us yeah, it is.
Speaker 2:It is, but it's also also that's a trauma response over busy busy all the time.
Speaker 1:I was just gonna say that it's weird. Now, yes, because I have to just sit in it.
Speaker 2:Yes, there's sometimes, and it's good for you.
Speaker 1:And I know it is, but it doesn't feel good. I know it feels awful and.
Speaker 2:I hate it.
Speaker 1:That's what growth is I like to be busy all the time.
Speaker 2:I know that's a trauma response.
Speaker 1:And I, like I'm an avoidant. I am such an avoidant when it comes to my trauma, like part of it is the not recognizing it.
Speaker 2:I'm like but was that really drama? And my therapist is like oh, my god, yes, that was traumatic. And I'm like oh, I'm always like just shove that shit down right, I know fucking deep, that's what I do. I'm like put on a fucking smile, oh my god, when we were like drinking. I'm like, just drink here, just don't forget about it.
Speaker 1:Let's just go have fun, let's go shopping, let's go do something, let's go have a anything anything exercise food concerts all the above, let's do everything we can do in one night to stay busy so that we're never able to just be alone with our thoughts. I had to fall asleep with the television on my entire life I still do do, I will get my credit, or my therapist credit, on this, because she's like she tasked me. You have to not do that. You have to find a way.
Speaker 2:And I can. I can fall asleep without sounds now. I can't do that. It's still then. I don't know.
Speaker 1:No, I need although I will say it's weird. I very much do not enjoy sleeping next to a person that snores. I hate it so much because I don't have the television to drown it out. So I have to hope that I fall asleep before you fall asleep and then also hope that I don't wake up, because if I wake up in the middle of the night and you're next to me and you're fucking snoring, I one murder one of us I don't know how it's going to work.
Speaker 1:It's bad. I didn't like it, it's hard. Or I wake up super early because I have to work super early, and then the person next to me is not waking up super early and snores. And I'm trying to work and it's just. Oh, that's on me for working from my room, but still that's still.
Speaker 2:people usually get up before noon and then still that's still.
Speaker 1:People usually get up before noon and then it's so weird how like the small things like that can annoy me to the point where I'm like this is potentially a deal breaker but then like the things that should really matter. I'm like I don't know, am I being unfair to them, like maybe they deserve to be this horrible human being? I don't know, it's weird. The things that shouldn't matter matter, and the things that should matter I struggle with.
Speaker 2:Well, because you didn't like them. So you got the ick really quick over those things. It would be different if you liked them.
Speaker 1:Once I get the ick, it's over.
Speaker 2:And then all the little things become annoying.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, and then you notice the things that you let go, Like the fact that I now know that smoking is a hard stop for me. In the beginning I was like, no, it's totally fine, and then I tried to set a boundary. I was like you know what I'm realizing? I actually hate this because it smells and it instantly turns me off.
Speaker 2:You know it's gross. Can we also talk about? It's a red flag when they say I'm going to quit and then make no active movements to quit?
Speaker 1:I wouldn't say no. Active. Tried switching to like a vape for a minute but then just smoked vape and cigarettes and then by the end of it smoked more cigarettes than when we originally started hanging out. So you just proved my point.
Speaker 2:I know I'm sorry went negative action you're right, you're right they didn't make no action, they made negative. They made negative action. Excuse me, thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you for clarifying there yeah, okay, yep, I see what I did. I love you, I was trying to be.
Speaker 2:You get the biggest gold star, though, because ended done for me and you don't.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's, whatever's the trauma responses that you notice, like now you don't trust anything. Anybody says to you realistically, and I get it. Because why would you? Because you just had somebody lie to you for an extended period of time of your life, so and you're it's still so new. I think that's one thing that I don't understand well with trauma is time and how some people who don't have a lot of trauma in their life are able to like get over things really, really quickly. But because we have trauma, things take a lot of time because it's deep.
Speaker 2:I think I get over it quickly, cause I just bury it and move on and then it just likes to come the fuck out all whenever it wants to get over it, you bury it and move on.
Speaker 1:And then it just likes to come the fuck out whenever it wants to, but you don't get over it, you bury it. That's different. Those people actually move on, we bury Very different, no mask Mask I'm really good at that. I'm not because of my face.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean masking is just being happy and moving through life. Yeah, I'm not good at that, as long as I don't know, I ours come out and I don't know, I guess comes out in different ways.
Speaker 1:I think your stuff.
Speaker 2:I'm very resilient, I'm very resilient because I have to be so. I'm very good and I have been my entire life at pivoting and changing and doing whatever needs to get done. Also learned that sittings and thinking about it and stewing or thinking about it in general, the negativity has never done me any good, so I always just silver line everything, find the positive and move forward.
Speaker 1:You do love a silver lining.
Speaker 2:I do every single thing you fucking love a silver lining. It serves me well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it gives you something to hold on to.
Speaker 2:And the resiliency and the ability to move forward and go. I think that's where you're the eeyore. You're the eeyore to my tigger yes, this is where we're different.
Speaker 1:Maybe you need a little bit of the silver linings.
Speaker 2:You never take them, nor do you remember them, but maybe you'd be a little more bouncy, bouncy and happy if you did it, eeyore I am a realist heather.
Speaker 1:I cannot help that. I cannot change that about myself. I know I would rather be prepared for the worst.
Speaker 2:Oh, I am at all points in time, I just would like to be happy and just move. I think it's just the children and it's the fact that I don't know. But I I very much, am a realist and I see it coming and I prepare myself. But I prepare myself. So I know that I got my own back in case anything goes bad. I guess I don't like. You know what I mean. So it's like I always have a backup plan on the inside sure, but here's what I'm gonna say.
Speaker 1:I thought after I took what? Five years over, five years after, five years after me and fat roger broke up before um, me and the cowardly lion had a relationship. So I thought I thought I was healed like I thought I did all the things, I was in the best place of my life, I wasn't drinking, I was doing 210ks a month, I was eating super healthy, I was in such a good mental space I thought I was healed and all it took was one cowardly lion one cowardly lion to bring to take all of that away.
Speaker 1:And then that was when I realized that I wasn't healed and I was doing the masking and I was just. I just had pushed it down so far that it wasn't able to escape as often. So I mistakenly thought I was healed. But I never processed any of that stuff I never. Even now in therapy I I struggle talking about a lot of things. That's why these episodes are like good but difficult, because I'm like I don't know what I even feel comfortable sharing, because I don't even share with my damn therapist and I pay that, I pay her you know I definitely have said some things.
Speaker 2:Um, I think for me, just where it's very different is like madison passing away, like life support, taking her off life support, taking dad off life support, luke passing away, like all those things, like everything else just becomes so fucking trivial and easy to move on. That's fair. That's where I guess, like all these things, I guess that's where it's different, because it is different, because they're different for you and different scale, because yeah, so well and you had great losses like that so nothing else I haven't right, so right.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean and that's a different type of trauma.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly so, like it's a lot easier for me to find silver linings and move forward and do all these things because my whole world has ended multiple times and I've had to move forward. So there's nothing worse that can actually really happen to me than like having your daughter die in your arms, like your dad die while you sit there and your husband dies saving you and your daughter, and you never see him again. It's like there's nothing. I don't, there's nothing else. You can't really hurt me more than that.
Speaker 1:So yeah, nothing else bad can happen to me the closest people that have passed away to me, like my grandma. That one was really sad and difficult for me, but I was young, I was 11, I think 11, 12 ish, um, so while that was a dramatic moment for me, it wasn't like life altering of a moment because, also, it was my grandma and not, you know, a child or whatever. But even when my mom passed away, it didn't have as much of an impact on me as I expected it to, because she already wasn't an active participant in my life.
Speaker 2:I do have to say that that one was a little bit different because the active alcoholism and putting you through so much your entire life, it's a weird relief grief thing that kind of happens when you don't feel like I've processed it at all yeah, I don't know it's, that's a weird one out of all the deaths that one's a weird one because it comes with a lot of a lot, a lot of unpacking and also, which is why I'm just ignoring it. Yeah, I guess I also really about it when it happened I not.
Speaker 1:A lot of people know. In fact, some people found out at like months later and they're like, how did I not know your fucking mom died. And I was like because that's not like a thing. I mean it is and, yes, you're right, that did happen, but like I, that's gonna force me to have to go into a lot of childhood shit that I have blocked out and all the things or ignored or you know, even talk about my brother dying too after that I know and so that's another, that's a big one, alcohol related and those are scary.
Speaker 1:Just like my dad. It's so well.
Speaker 2:No, he wasn't like my dad but he the alcoholism like towards the end. Talking like my dad, I was not around him very much so I don't.
Speaker 1:He was obviously not like the physical aspect of it, but it was weird, but he was a mean drunk. Yeah, let's be real. I know, I know he was a mean drunk he drank a lot.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's just weird. I'm so glad I escaped the alcoholism and my mom's never drank and she doesn't drink, so neither do I.
Speaker 1:Well, well, and I think that's you your dad died while you were still drinking, correct? And then your brother died after you had gotten sober. So you lost two family members, both alcohol one while you were actively in addiction and one while you were active in recovery. I feel like I wasn't I significant, I can't say that I was an alcoholic at that point.
Speaker 2:I was not like I don't, I can't ever say that like I used alcohol to mask my grief and things like that, but I wasn't drinking then yeah, got it. I wasn't like no, I was pregnant. I was doing, I wasn't drinking I wasn't like, I wasn't 14 14. Like I've used substances to mask, see like I to how I feel, but I can always stop using them Like that's the thing.
Speaker 1:The longest I went before I got sober, this time um from alcohol, Cause people get angry.
Speaker 2:Um, you hit a lot. I had no idea. I did hide it. Oh God, no one knew.
Speaker 1:I mean, I think I think Jen knew, maybe, but maybe not even because she, you know, when I was a teenager she lived with our dad and I lived with our mom, so we only saw each other like every other weekend. So, honestly, she probably didn't know how bad it was. Um, and then, as growing up, I did a great job of, like I I was good at hiding it people didn't realize how bad it was. I didn't realize how bad it was. I was super in denial about it for a really long time.
Speaker 1:But, like I, aside from being pregnant because I didn't drink when I was pregnant but outside of that, the longest I had gone since I was 14 without drinking before this time I quit was 18 days. 18 days, that's it okay. Yeah, that's crazy to think about, but that was the tool. It was a crutch for me. Instead of processing, I would drink, I would numb, I would numb the body pain, I would numb the mental pain, because that's all I knew and it worked and it was great. I mean, it wasn't great, but it felt great until I would do dumb things because I had been drinking. And now I have to actually try to process shit.
Speaker 2:And that's hard, it's much better.
Speaker 1:Like this though yeah, I don't regret. I mean, I'm still sober, I'm over three years sober, so I did it, and watching my mom die was like one of those moments where, like that could have been me if I didn't make that decision. But it's hard to fucking like now be like, oh, now I have to talk about the trauma and I have to like move on from it and I have to force myself to acknowledge that like things were traumatic. That's a weird step that I didn't think would be so hard.
Speaker 2:Agreed. This is the first time I ever talked about like childhood. I guess I've been protecting it for so long. Um again, same but different. So parallel but different. Yeah, um, I guess my most traumatic. Obviously I don't know what is more traumatic luke or madison? I don't think I've ever processed madison. Luke is probably like I don't know, it's hard to say, they're very, they're very different points in time. Um one, I think I buried down so deep we just like don't even talk about you don't talk about madison you know, as that was very like I almost died when it's like the anniversary
Speaker 1:and you do like your little acknowledgement every once.
Speaker 2:I will every once in a while. Sometimes I just don't feel like it because sometimes I don't want to open that door and talk about it, so I just hold it as very like private. I don't know that's something I.
Speaker 1:I've watched shows or whatever about people losing their kids and I always I'm like I don't know if I could ever recover from that, so like.
Speaker 2:I don't know if I ever you know, did, did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know. I think it's fair to say no, but like I've never processed that either.
Speaker 2:I don't feel like. I think I just tried to again bury it and move forward and try to like become a mom and again and fulfill. You know, like to be a mom and move forward.
Speaker 1:I don't know that was before Lily.
Speaker 2:Correct Before Brayden.
Speaker 1:She was my first.
Speaker 2:So she was a year and a half, so I was 19. And she yeah, don't really want to talk about it, but yeah, she passed away at 17 days old. But I think Luke was I don't know more traumatic because of everything that was involved.
Speaker 1:I mean with I think it was more traumatic because you had an established life with this person and in no way could your brain have ever thought and it wasn't just you, it was you and the kids and it was the way that it happened well and the fact that it's now still coming up like it's affecting everybody in a weird wave.
Speaker 2:Now it's funny. It's like almost five years, but kinsley's acting out. I know lily has been attached to me. I think brayden's a little more distant.
Speaker 1:I just think everybody feels it has been feeling and that's the thing, right.
Speaker 2:Like trauma, affects your body without you necessarily realizing it that which I'm so happy, that cheer has been there for them.
Speaker 1:We've never stopped that it's been so good for them.
Speaker 2:Bodybuilding has been great for me.
Speaker 1:Kinsley loves her snacks but that's a good point, like having you have it's not just processing it, like that's one part of it, but like it's also finding things that, like you can find joy and happiness in, that can help you, like for you, if you're having a bad day, you can go to the gym, you can work, you can literally work it out.
Speaker 2:Yep, and in that book that you need to read I know I suck the body- keeps score.
Speaker 1:You have to text it to me again because I keep forgetting the name of it I'll just send you the amazon link do you do that? Yep, that's where I'm probably.
Speaker 2:Okay, I would give you mine, but I've read it like three times and I've highlighted in it and I keep reading it and it's something that you need to like highlight yeah, take it to your therapist. Yes, and be like it's also going to make you feel so seen and be like this is so fucking normal, which is really important to me, like and I don't know if that's a trauma response, but it is like I have never felt more seen.
Speaker 2:After reading this, I did not feel alone. I felt like it's because you're internalizing it. A lot of your fucking pain is probably coming from that.
Speaker 1:I do think so. I will say so. I've had four ketamine sessions now and I do feel like my body is not as tense.
Speaker 2:So I definitely and I've always kind of- you know, I've had a sale right now for only $10.
Speaker 1:Send it to me and I'll buy it. Um, I know that you know your body holds trauma and stuff like that, but, like I guess it's, it's always been kind of harder for me to think about the fact that I don't have a lot of physical trauma. I mean, yes, I would get in physical altercations with my mom. I did get in some physical altercations with my very first boyfriend, um mole Um, but not not to a point where like anything major ever resulted from that. So, my, when I think, oh, your body holds trauma, my brain goes to your body would hold physical trauma and that would make sense, but your body can hold mental trauma in the weirdest places uh, yeah, janessa says that I'm storing some stuff in my left hip right and you're like why there which it's been acting, who fucking knows why, but you are and actually in that book it talks about.
Speaker 2:Women hold a lot in their hip area really, because my right hip is garbage mine is like all of a sudden. It's weird, I don't know, maybe because I'm going through time of year, it's, you know the anniversary, right, and that's the whole thing.
Speaker 1:Your body knows that it's approaching it really does. Yeah, it's weird how how things work. I think that there needs to be so much more focus on the brain and the gut, because those two things have so much power when it comes to the rest of your body, whether it's trauma, whether it's like car accidents or physical, like whatever. Those two things, yes, will affect the majority of your body and they just I don't understand why, medically, that's not like the first go-to's for everything.
Speaker 2:Check your gut, check your brain yes, um, I think we should do like. Since the anniversary is coming up, we should do like a special episode yeah, yeah. I know we've talked about like, but I want to do like a, I want to do I feel like a site visit and maybe and then maybe we talk and do that.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I feel like a million percent, I feel like I want to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, um, I've been feeling like I want to, so we should, and to, so we should, and then maybe like I'll talk about it and maybe do like another. I know we've kind of like went over like the bullet points of it, but really diving into what happened after and just kind of the road after, I think, is the part because that's that was a life changing time and I would love to talk about his celebration of life. We never really talked about that with the butterflies.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't get to go. I don't remember why I couldn't go. Oh, I had butterflies.
Speaker 2:I was a fucking those butterflies, I remember, cause I keep them at a certain temperature and they started getting too warm and alive and they creep me out and then they didn't want to leave. Oh, I have beautiful pictures. We have beautiful pictures. We can share a whole little thing. Okay, I would love to do that, yeah um, also, this is a heavy episode.
Speaker 2:Just to wrap it up, really quick because we have like 10 minutes left. Let's do lighten the load a little. Yeah, we kind of talked about we're going to make this a small episode, but we'll just shoot off our. I wanted to be like get to know us a little bit. Our five favorite. You want to do that?
Speaker 1:yeah, might as well it lightens it up to think about 10 minutes ish, um yeah, so our five five things you would take on an island, assuming that all of your natural needs were met yes.
Speaker 2:Or you could just say your five things yeah, I, or your like your five favorite things.
Speaker 1:You can't live without that's but I describe it to you that way because that's how your brain works.
Speaker 2:Yeah words matter to me, so for me these are like five things that I cannot live without.
Speaker 1:Yes about the things, because when I told her, she couldn't live without. She was like fucking water, milk I mean, I milk is still on my list. Let's be fucking real. Okay, okay, that, okay, that's fine, okay, that's fine.
Speaker 2:Still on my life. All right, let's go. So milk is one for you. Oh, it's such a huge thing for me we used to joke about I have videos of you drinking milk. I've sent them to you. Yeah, at any fucking time.
Speaker 1:I vomited for 24 hours straight because I chugged off of a milk carton after drinking pitchers and pitchers and pitchers of beer and my brain not thinking, thinking, oh, this is gonna curdle like you don't understand what I would do for some good fucking milk. I love it.
Speaker 2:It's delicious, it's important except she wants the cheap milk, not the good milk, because I have, I don't like no, I don't know what the fuck you had that was that was not organic. No, it was not.
Speaker 1:Yes, it was it was not milk, it was it was the organic stuff.
Speaker 2:It was like velvet. It was weird. I did not like it.
Speaker 1:The grass-fed organic milk oh, give me the two percent winco any day over that shit I did not like.
Speaker 2:Don't say the good milk, say the cheap shit, okay.
Speaker 1:So she has milk. I like the generics. Leave me alone. I have acquired a taste for cheap shit. Okay, I, I love that. I love that for you.
Speaker 2:The defense mechanism. Okay, so Trader Joe's dill pickle mustard.
Speaker 1:See, okay, you give me shit for milk and you pick dill pickle mustard. Yep, you do eat it every time I see you Slather it on. I've never even tried it. It's good. I feel like that would be too.
Speaker 2:You wouldn't like it.
Speaker 1:I probably wouldn't. I love dill, though. Love dill I just I don't know. It's a weird choice. It's a prep choice, the fact that you can pick anything in the world and you pick a prep item.
Speaker 2:I can't well, because it goes on everything and it's so good. This current moment in time. Ask me in off season, but this current moment in time.
Speaker 1:That's fair. Yours could see.
Speaker 2:I don't think mine would ever change oh, I definitely change up things that I love I hyper fixate on things though I do too, and then they run its course. So this is me current moment in time. So what's your next one? Uh, baked goods, it's all food items no those are the only Okay.
Speaker 1:But notice how I left it general and vague, because I need variety. But I still want baked goods, I want cookies, I want donuts, I want muffins, I want cake, I want fucking croissants, I want strudel, I want all of it. I want pie, I want fucking all of it all the time Okay. I love it Way to way to my heart. You guys, I'm salivating right now stop talking about bacon. I know you can't have them shut up about it.
Speaker 2:Eat your mustard. Yes, eat your baked goods. My ass is very striated right now and I love it. My whoop. What the fuck's a whoop this? It tracks everything that I do my sleep, my recovery, everything it's way more advanced than that, way more advanced okay, I I need you to explain.
Speaker 2:I don't um, so a whoop tracks all of your statistics your resting heart rate, heart rate variability, how recovered you are, your strain, your sleep, all the things, and progress over time. The longer you wear it, the longer it knows you and you feel like you can't live without that yes, because I love the way it tracks everything for me and like. It's not just like that generic see again.
Speaker 2:We live in different worlds, so even if I explained it, it wouldn't matter to you no, because I I live in generic land and you live in name brand land. No, it tracks. It's just the only thing that does it. Okay, I guess you could equate it to an aura ring but it's better than the aura ring.
Speaker 1:My comment still stands, though you still live in name brand land and I live in generic land. I think that's fair okay, yeah okay, um, third one. Uh, music have to it's. I honestly believe that music has saved my life over and, over and over and over again.
Speaker 2:Okay so funny because I said portable speaker, but I just assumed that I'd have my phone to be able to play my apple fair enough okay because so you in my head the phone is a necessity, so we would have it. So I said a speaker so that we could play music Perfect. Because I actually music is also one of mine.
Speaker 1:Look, we have something to say.
Speaker 2:Yes, playlists might not add up. No.
Speaker 1:Definitely different playlists. I'm pretty sure the playlist you told me to listen to in my last Ketamine session scared me and they had to change it.
Speaker 2:I think your AirPod fell, fell out and it scared you?
Speaker 1:that could have been. I don't know what happened. All I know is I went in with one set of headphones and I came out with a totally different one. It was like the what.
Speaker 2:Unless you were on a, I don't know how spotify works I always put everything on shuffle. Well then, it might have given you something else am I? Am I supposed to listen to it specifically in order usually yeah, yeah, cause you don't really want to like well that one. Yeah, cause then it kind of has a gentle flow, got it? No, I, I always listen, so the shuffle could be what's freaking you out, cause it'll go from one tone to another and it goes too quickly.
Speaker 1:Yes, it does.
Speaker 2:Okay and then. So your brain's like, huh, what you had was like more of a lullaby, so it'll just kind of like take you to a nice flow, okay. Okay, what's your next one? Um books, oh, I love to read.
Speaker 1:I don't do it nearly as much as I should because it's time consuming. But in this scenario, basically, I don't have to like have a job and have responsibilities, because I'm on an island and I get to just be. Then I would want books, I would I want to sit on a beach with an umbrella and read in front of the ocean.
Speaker 2:That's what I want to do I had said my ipad, but that's because it's my unlimited entertainment which I have, like my books on there. I actually I used to buy them all the time. I was gonna put like I have the library app where you can download them all, yeah, and it's so much easier. There there's everything.
Speaker 1:I get a free ebook from prime every month and I know I just kept buying them, so then I was like, and then I'd read them once and I'd never read them again.
Speaker 2:On the cause I don't read it unless it's a hard copy, which I will buy hard copies of books, I love hard copies, I'll just keep them. So yeah, said my ipad. So same thing, because my books are on there. Anything that I need to do?
Speaker 1:for like creating anything is on there and I debated putting like entertainment type stuff, because I need television movies, I need it, I need it, I love it. But you said all my my necessities would be met, so I assumed that that would be included.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I put my ipad because I'm like that's not a necessity, but it is. Yeah, but I use it for I watch all my shows while I do my cardio. Uh, nine perfect strangers. We talked about this already in this episode of the last one. You're gonna love it. It's so good.
Speaker 1:Everybody should watch that one yeah, I need to watch second season yep okay, um, and then my last thing I put is video games, because I'm a nerd but I love it. I find video games very relaxing because I only play specific types of games. I don't like like the first person shooter games. I don't like that. I don't want call of duty, I don't want fortnite. All of none of that is fun to me. I like adventure games, I like puzzle solving games, I like. But I also like like the easy, fucking mind numbing, like fucking lego games, fucking kill. Still, I don't care. I'm almost 40 years old and I will fucking rock out on a fucking lego game.
Speaker 2:I love playing mario party with the kids.
Speaker 1:Yes it's very fun. Love video games. It's so fun, I need it. It's important and okay.
Speaker 2:So my last one, considering I would be able to have a gym nearby. That's a necessity for me and I have the food that I need to prep if I'm in prep. Obviously, my Normatec leg compression things they like. I've been a game changer. My legs no longer feel like cement when I do cardio.
Speaker 1:I love that that's good. Oh God, see, now I want to add a sixth item what. But see, now I want to add a sixth item what. But this would benefit both of us. Janessa, yes, were you thinking that? Yes, I was.
Speaker 2:I want to bring janessa that's a necessity, that's I literally have her every other. It's like 57 appointments for like every other week, for the next forever we go the same day but at different times I know you're in the afternoon, I'm in the morning I know it's just so funny that that's how that ended up.
Speaker 1:It's yeah, we both go every other week and we end up going on the same day. So lucky her, she gets both of us. I mean I don't lucky or unlucky, I guess it's lucky.
Speaker 2:She loves us. I love her. I have some videos, for we recorded some putting her on the books. But my calendars, we'll get her on the books.
Speaker 1:She needs to come in yeah, she's the best I love her intuitive touch hit her up. You guys like I cannot in the show notes cannot talk her up enough. To be honest, I've gone to so many massage people, I've been to so many of everything and she's literally the best, all the chiropractors, all the massages, all of the doctors.
Speaker 1:She's the best because it's more than just a massage, like she genuinely cares about you as a person and when you have shit going on, she wants to help you find the root cause and figure it out and figure out the best path for you. You like it's full body and mind with her.
Speaker 2:It's not just a massage, it's so much more than that with her and so much more.
Speaker 1:I love that same so, yeah, again, that's our number six for both of us. We get to share her. I love that. I love that.
Speaker 2:I love that you were thinking that, because that's funny I know, I didn't know you were thinking that, but I just shouted it out as I do. Um, well, that wraps. That definitely lightened the mood. Good job, it was feeling heavy, sorry. I was like, oh, I'm panicking, I gotta go. I'm a runner too, by the way, in case you didn't notice that you do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if it ever gets quiet, it's because Heather has literally walked away and I'm just trying to fill time until Never actually, but I wanted to on this one.
Speaker 2:Oh, there is times, though, that I walked away to pee. Yeah, I have a little more carbs in me right now, so it's not, but there was a point where I couldn't make it longer than 30 minutes. So, yeah, she filled the space for me. Um, but till next time, bye, bye.