we are NOT the SAME

Love Languages, Without the Fluff

• Heather Gardner and Lacey Joseph • Season 3 • Episode 19

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Ever wonder why some gestures land and others miss by a mile? We went beyond the memes and took a full love language quiz—yes, we even paid for the results—then held the mirror up to our past relationships, boundaries, and blind spots. The numbers were revealing: acts of service and quality time rose to the top for both of us, receiving gifts carried quiet power as thoughtfulness, and words of affirmation got messy when trust had been broken. From oil changes and fixed deadbolts to planned date nights and tiny, perfectly chosen presents, we traced how genuine effort builds safety where big speeches can’t.

We talk about why action beats promise, how love bombing and gaslighting distort our response to compliments, and what it takes to rebuild belief in words. You’ll hear real stories about being hidden vs shown off, quitting jobs on someone’s “I’ll take care of you” and learning to require follow-through, and the slow skill of spotting red flags sooner. We also add a “sixth” love language—call it inclusion—the everyday practice of being looped into plans and decisions so closeness doesn’t depend on constant proximity. If you’ve ever felt unseen despite hearing sweet talk, this conversation will help you name what you need and ask for it clearly.

Along the way, we contrast how we give love vs how we receive it, and why that mismatch doesn’t make anyone wrong—it just makes communication essential. Expect practical examples, honest laughs, and a few hard-earned lessons on effort, attention, and trust. If you’re ready to align what you value with how you love, press play, take what resonates, and share your top two love languages with us. And if this episode hit home, follow the show, send it to a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review so more listeners can find us.

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SPEAKER_01:

Not the same. I'm Lacey. My name's Heather. How are you today?

SPEAKER_00:

Good. Good. Good. Not like we didn't just like record an episode and know all the things. But good. We're talking about love languages. Woo-woo. And we're just gonna I mean, a lot of people have been introduced to it. Maybe you've taken a test. Yeah. Maybe you know. Maybe you have no fucking clue.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you do you remember when you were first introduced to the concept of it?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. Um, I was married to Luke.

SPEAKER_01:

It wasn't until then. I was because that's what something I was interested in. It's like so many people start dating before they know anything about love languages.

SPEAKER_00:

You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, we were kids though when we got together, I feel like we grew up. Yeah. So um I have just kind of a little a breakdown of what they are in case you doubt. If you're gonna need to read today with my with my brain's working, let's see how this goes. Um, one words of affirmation and centers around verbal expressions of love and appreci appreciation. See, I can't even talk. Um, if you prefer words of affirmation, you thrive on spoken words, compliments, and acknowledgments. Statements like, I love you, you mean so much to me, or you did a great job can be incredibly meaningful. Good job. It makes you uncomfortable. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. Two, acts of service. So if you favor this love language, actions speak louder than words. Involves doing things for your partner that you know they would appreciate, such as chores, cooking meals, running errands, or helping out in small ways to show that you care and you have you support them. Uh receiving gifts. This love language is not about materialism, but rather the thoughtfulness and effort behind a gift. People who enjoy receiving gifts see them as visual symbols of love and thoughtfulness. The gift doesn't have to be expensive, but it's the meaning or consideration behind it that counts. Quality time emphasizes undivided attention and spending meaningful meaningful time together. So quality time is important to have focused conversations, shared activities, and distractions-free distraction-free companionship. Um, quality interactions are key, not just being physically present. But sometimes I just want you in my physical presence, but not talk.

SPEAKER_01:

You're getting ahead of yourself.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm just saying, can that be like that? Quality time can also be that. Maybe not. That's my perception of it. Um, well, I guess we're going with theirs. Anyways, physical touch. This is like the definition. Yes, I know. That's why. You only got one more. You can do that. Thank you. We're here, we're here. ADHD's still really hard. Um, physical touch. Individuals with this love language feel most connected through physical expressions of love, including hugs, holding hands, kisses, or any other form of physical affection. Touch conveys warmth, safety, love.

SPEAKER_01:

The nice thing is, I feel like, I mean, most of them are self-explanatory. So, like you you hear the phrase and people just kind of know what goes into that just based off of the thing. But I we can talk for a minute about the quality time because I don't think I understand you just wanting somebody in your preference presence, but I don't think that necessarily counts as quality time.

SPEAKER_00:

That just means that you're a person that I care about if I want you in my, you know. You're right. This is like it's it's how you feel loved and show love the most. So we'll just take my own opinions out of it.

SPEAKER_01:

So me and Heather went and we found the quiz, and because the other one went so great on air, we pre-took the quiz this time because we didn't want it to time out, and you guys have to just sit there and wait while we because it was pretty long. I'm not gonna lie. It was like that was long, it was 20%. I know that's exactly where I was when I was like, this is long.

SPEAKER_00:

It was also like four questions.

SPEAKER_01:

Um, so we pre-took a love language quiz that we actually paid for our damn results for for you guys. So there you go. I'm cheap. It was only$1.95.

SPEAKER_00:

It's because we had came too far. I know. Like I already spent 10 minutes on this goddamn quiz of all fucking.

SPEAKER_01:

This is how this is how they get you. It said free test, and taking the test was free, but you had to pay$1.95 for your results. And it's like, you bastards.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's why they make it so long.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, because they're like at this point, now you're like, fuck, I've spent enough of my time that I'm willing to pay the dollar ninety five to get my results. And we did, and then we have to go in and cancel it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, otherwise it's$30 a month.

SPEAKER_01:

What are you gonna do? I guess they have other tests and courses, apparently, but what are you gonna do? We just wanted this one thing. So I feel like because I'm a self-aware person, I I'm not at all surprised by my number one, and I am not at all really surprised by my number five. Because it the the nice thing is it ranked it and gave us percentages.

SPEAKER_00:

So why don't you go down one to five and your percentage, and I'll go down one to five and my percentage, and then we'll go one for one. We'll start with our five like our least up to our top.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, yeah, that works.

SPEAKER_00:

Or do you want yeah, we should just like list them all and then we'll go from there.

SPEAKER_01:

And then we'll go from there. Okay, that works for me. Okay, so my number one, and and let's specify real quick. No, start number five and then go to one. Five to one. Okay. This is the love language that we like receive, right? Because I personally feel like there's a difference between the love that I prefer to accept versus the love that I'm able to give. Um, and I don't know if that's different for all people, but for me, I feel like mine are not the same. Do you feel like yours are the same?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, I do.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, so that's funny. So in that way, we're not the same.

SPEAKER_00:

Although, I mean, there are certain things, but like I feel like it's definitely up to you.

SPEAKER_01:

It's the same for you. Okay. So my number five, big shocker, guys, words of affirmation. That's not my love language. That's not my love language. In fact, that came in at 20%. All right, which is pretty fucking low. Um, my number four, also not surprising, physical.

SPEAKER_00:

Wait, what did you say your words of affirmation was at?

SPEAKER_01:

Number five, my worst one.

SPEAKER_00:

What was the percent?

SPEAKER_01:

20%.

SPEAKER_00:

Were they exactly the fucking same one that was? Really? Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

That's shocking to me. Okay, let me get through my list and then I'm gonna explain to you why that's shocking for you. Okay, yes. Okay, uh, my number four is physical touch. Um, my number three, receiving gifts. Number two is quality time. You gotta give the percentages. Oh, okay. Physical touch was 33%, receiving gifts was 45%. Quality time was two, and that one actually surprised me, especially with all my comments about how I don't want to spend every moment with people. Um, that came in at 70%. What do you value when somebody the time that I do have?

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, if some because like the questions that were asking, like if you would rather like what do you prefer? And it's like somebody giving you undivided attention, somebody making time for you, somebody puts planning to take you out on a special date. You like that shit. You just don't want it all the time. Yeah, that's it. And don't follow it up with fucking physical touch. No, you want to make it real awkward? Tell her she's pretty. No, okay, your number one word.

SPEAKER_01:

My number one is acts of service, and that does not surprise me at all.

SPEAKER_00:

Does that surprise me at all either?

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, what's your order? Oh, and that was 80%.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay. Um, my number five words of affirmation, 20%. That's so funny to me. Uh for acts of service, 35%.

SPEAKER_01:

That's crazy. 30%?

SPEAKER_00:

See, I yeah, 35%.

SPEAKER_01:

That's okay. Keep going. We're gonna get away.

SPEAKER_00:

Physical touch 57%, quality time 68%, and receiving gifts 70%. That's funny to me. But like I said, it's not materialized. Okay, I like how materialized. Yes. Also, you can talk about the gift that I have for um, you know, boyfriend over there. I yeah. Yes, thoughtful. That works.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, um, yeah, no, I get it. Because I, while access service is my number one for receiving, which a hundred percent, like the fact that it was only 80% is actually surprising to me. I would have thought it would have been higher. Like, that's how much, like, do things for me. I have a honey do list and no honey to do it. Like, I want you to do things for me. In fact, maybe, baby, the first time that we interacted was because he came over and fixed the deadbolt on my door. And I was like, oh hey, like I like it when people do things for me. Like, do some chores, fucking do my yard work. I love it. Get my oil change. Mmm, baby.

SPEAKER_00:

We just talked about how she has not been getting her oil change. So if anyone needs their um I'll do it, I'm gonna shoot their shots. She's like, no, don't do it for me. I got it.

SPEAKER_01:

No, God. I'm a walking contract. I'm a walking content. Like, that's the whole thing. I want you to do things for me, but you don't. But know that I will fight you the whole way.

SPEAKER_00:

It makes it really enjoyable. You make it so enjoyable to do shit for you. Like, just so you know, I'm gonna bitch with you and complain the entire time. You need to do it. But I expect you to still do it.

SPEAKER_01:

Ask me if you should do it is the difference. Because if you ask me that do it, then you're gonna why did you do this for me? No. No, I'm not like that. If you do something for me, like, especially if you do something without me asking, I will fucking melt. Why do I feel like trust me, listen? I know this about me. When my kids do a chore without me having to ask, I can't even tell you how good that makes me feel inside. I get so fucking I love them so much.

SPEAKER_00:

So are we gonna post your honeydo list online so people random men can just pick and choose what they want to do for you?

SPEAKER_01:

No, now you sound like my dad.

SPEAKER_00:

So now you need a handyman, is what you're saying. I I would like a handy-handyman, lumberjack, ginger.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm not allowed to date the gingers anymore, my kids said.

SPEAKER_00:

You are. You find them, you're attracted to them, you like them.

SPEAKER_01:

I am a bearded I do like a beard. That's important.

SPEAKER_00:

Ginger lumberjack, who also is a handyman. But possibly into like the weird collective Yeah, so we need like a punk. But this goes into why is this getting so complicated? This is becoming more and more complicated.

SPEAKER_01:

This goes into we had a conver I don't remember if that we had this conversation on the mic or off the mic, but we had a conversation before. Um crap, I'm gonna forget where I was going with this.

SPEAKER_00:

Um we talked about it on air where I said you wanted a lumberjack that was ginger.

SPEAKER_01:

No, I know that's what that's not about. That's what okay, we're gonna have to skip it because I already forgot now. But that's not what it had had nothing to do with the lumberjack thing.

SPEAKER_00:

No, I'm like, I'm still holding out. Was it the ginger thing? No, no, it wasn't.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, it'll come to me randomly. No, but so acts of acts of service does not surprise me. Like, I very much I like it when people do things for me, and it doesn't matter who it is. Um, because I feel very limited on the things that I can do and I get frustrated, or like because of my ADHD, I'll start a project and then I'll not finish a project. I have like in my house right now, I bought um stuff to do an accent wall in my bedroom probably five years ago, and I still have all the parts to do it, and I still don't have my accent wall. So like if somebody were to come in and like do that for me, I would swoon. It's insane. Like, it's weird how much that makes me feel because to me, the way I look at it is like you're going out of your way. Baby baby, if you're listening to this. Stop. I'm just saying, like, if you're like you're putting me first. That's the way that I look at it. And and that's what I want. I to me that shows me that you're putting it.

SPEAKER_00:

Nothing but relationships where men have not done things for you.

SPEAKER_01:

Correct.

SPEAKER_00:

And let you down even when you've asked.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And I hate asking.

SPEAKER_00:

Or in this last lemon situation, said he would do things and then never do them.

SPEAKER_01:

And that's big on that's something that really bothers me.

SPEAKER_00:

Don't then do mushrooms all day.

SPEAKER_01:

I would rat I would rather you not tell me that you're gonna do something than tell me you're gonna do something and then not do it. That's such a big pet peeve for me. You didn't have to say anything. You didn't have to say anything. Why set an expectation that you're purposely gonna like fucking let me down on? It's weird to me. And I think that's also why it means more if someone does something without saying they're gonna do it first.

SPEAKER_00:

This reminds me of fucking Johnny Bravo, and I was just talking to Kim and Diane this weekend, and they were like, because they haven't been filled in on everything, and I was like, oh my god. Oh, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_01:

Like it's weird to me to think that people don't know things.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, they're like, you know, not on social. Sure. But then I I almost forgot about the time he faked the stroke, and then the time about the the like all the things that he faked. Yeah. Like to think it goes back in point to like creating these big huge, like you didn't have to create these big huge lies to then create all these other lies to make up for the things. You made it worse. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Like all you had to do is not tell me you were gonna do that thing instead of saying you were gonna do that thing and then not doing that thing, and then trying to make this big elaborate fucking plot to not to like get away with not doing that thing. And then you got caught anyway.

SPEAKER_00:

Right. And it was proven that he was a liar.

SPEAKER_01:

It's fucking crazy. Just don't tell me you're gonna do it in the first place. Insane to me. Insane behavior. But I do feel also like I like to cook for people. So that's my service.

SPEAKER_00:

So when you said are they different? Yes, I love to cook for people. I love to do things for people. So like I'm so wife in me, right? It's just like I like doing that kind of thing. So like I and the mom and the like I remembered what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_01:

We had a conversation about how I consider myself modern traditional.

SPEAKER_00:

And that's kind of we did not talk about this on air before we didn't. It wasn't on air.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, okay. So I consider myself modern traditional in the sense that I still very strongly believe in gender roles. Like I the cooking. Yes, I want to cook for you and like you go and do the yard work. That sounds fucking fabulous to me. I want those traditional gender roles in the home, but I also I want a job and I want control of money, and like I don't want you to like you know what I mean? Like, so that's where the modern part comes in. But my love languages aligned with that, I think.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm over here like I don't really want to know about the money. I just mean making sure it's there.

SPEAKER_01:

That's so fun. Yeah, right. And in that sense, we just have to do it. I'm really good at spending the money. I want to know bills are paid. I want computer.

SPEAKER_00:

I just like don't want to obsess about it. That's where me and you are different.

SPEAKER_01:

Very different. And like, I want to make something super clear. Because I talk about how broke I am all the time. I live in a when I say I'm broke, I'm me broke. I'm not like broke broke. I have if I go glow. Okay, we're talking about our lifestyle.

SPEAKER_00:

We your lifestyle is like maintaining.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't want people to worry because I'm like broke, I'm like, I'm so fucking broke.

SPEAKER_00:

She's like, should I buy some nerd shit today or not buy nerd shit today? Should I buy my expensive access?

SPEAKER_01:

But then you ask me and I say yes. And then like You are my yes man. If I need someone to be, if I'm all like, mm, I kind of want to buy this, I will send it to you because you will tell me to buy it. That's how I got my R2D2 mini for you.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm like, but you need it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. Because I knew if I asked anyone else, they'd be like, I mean, that's cool, but do you need it? And you're all like, bitch, yes, you need that. Fuck yeah. You need to buy that right now. And I'm like, I do. Like, do it. Let me see.

SPEAKER_00:

Let me see that card. Did you push express ship? Yes, you did. Not if it's extra, no. No, it was free shipping. What are we talking about? That was on the selling point.

SPEAKER_01:

That is right. I will tell you, if you want to get me, offer me free shipping. It's so dumb how saving$5.99 will make me justify spending$20 more. It's stupid.

SPEAKER_00:

Same, same. Um, same. Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

So your number one. So my number one accessories totally make sense. Your number one makes me laugh because you seemed surprised by it, and I was not surprised by it. Well, okay. You love it when men give you gifts. You do. Yes, I think. I think you love it more than you know.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, well, I do love like I like that you're thinking about me and you're like, oh, and like thinking, yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, and honestly, like doing- even when strangers send you gifts sometimes, you're like weirded out by it, but you're also like flattered by you are flattered by it.

SPEAKER_00:

Is it something that like if you took the time to get to know something that I like and therefore purchased it for me, sent it to me, or thought of me and then gave it to me, that's like, oh, like you were thinking about me without me being around. You were like, and then you knew what I like, so then you know me well enough to know what I like.

SPEAKER_01:

So my the way that I love people is by giving gifts to me, and that's exactly the reason why is because I you'll mention something in passing fucking eight months ago, and I'll remember it, and I will get it for you. Like, and then to me, like that's I love it. I love buying presents for people. I'm really good at it. You are because I I put the time and effort and the thoughtfulness in it, and so that is how I should be able to do it.

SPEAKER_00:

Your present to me also like made me do my present to the so boyfriend's getting a really great, a great gift for his birthday. I love it, it's funny. It's it's okay.

SPEAKER_01:

I loved it when I did it. I love it when I did it. Do you do it?

SPEAKER_00:

I love it. Should I we the other episode could come out and then we could play this one, so then it would be like it's after when I don't know when you're loading the episodes versus when you are hanging out with boyfriends because I think it's funny because you mentioned like of course you would choose and I'm like, and I'm like, I didn't even think about that, but in my mind there was never a doubt that I would ever not.

SPEAKER_01:

I wasn't surprised.

SPEAKER_00:

Um okay, we'll just uh we'll announce this afterwards. So yeah. So it's a good present. Yes. I like to do like thoughtful things, right? So I'm like, oh, you're gonna get a shirt with my pictures all over it. Um love it. And I chose great pictures and I sent it to Lacey because it came and it was like super fucking cute. I'm like, wow, love this.

SPEAKER_01:

Like, look how great this is. And I'm the very first thing, I was like, hmm, you're showing a lot of skin. Like I'm not sure what you are.

SPEAKER_00:

Duh.

SPEAKER_01:

But yeah, I mean, I'm loving it.

SPEAKER_00:

They cut some of the best bits off though. They could have like put more skin on there.

SPEAKER_01:

They only have so much space, my dear.

SPEAKER_00:

And I'm like, you want you full-length photos. I wanted them all.

SPEAKER_01:

That's over. Yeah, I don't know. I love and I I also love receiving gifts. Um, but so for it was weird because that's my number three.

SPEAKER_00:

I was I'm I am shocked that quality time was number two for me, quality time is 68% and receiving gifts is 70%. So they're basically one in the same.

SPEAKER_01:

So my quality time was 73%.

SPEAKER_00:

So much time with me crazy and buy me things.

SPEAKER_01:

That's okay though.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, because I also do that. I feel like quality time when I give you the little time that I have and I'm devoting myself to I think that like I also give it that way.

SPEAKER_01:

I do really like love.

SPEAKER_00:

I for someone who doesn't like acts of service, I sure do show love by acts of service. I feel like that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01:

What you do versus what how you receive is not necessarily the same thing. No. Because you like to do acts of service for people.

SPEAKER_00:

I also but you don't necessarily like Well, because I would rather. So a lot of these questions are like, would you rather and I noticed that it's not that you don't like it. Right. But I would rather us go on a special date night together than you do a chore for me. I would rather spend it.

SPEAKER_01:

I would rather you do a chore for me. This is why we're different.

SPEAKER_00:

And I knew that was gonna be like that. And like a lot of them were like um words of affirmation or like a thoughtful gift, things like that. So it was like, I think some of the questions maybe we can look through and see if there's an alternative test that's like that does how you show, you know, if you said there's more or whatever. Um but that would be interesting, but I do see how they parallel, but I definitely think it makes me feel more special when someone thinks of me in a thoughtful way with a gift or plans a date night, or it's like, hey, let's go. I love to be taken out and shown off. Like, be like, this is fucking mine. This is mine.

SPEAKER_01:

I think I would love that too. I think why it surprises me so much is because I didn't realize that it's something that I would love as much because I don't get it. Um, like I do love sitting and like watching a movie, especially my stupid crazy movie.

SPEAKER_00:

I wonder why you've never felt connected to someone. You have never been like in love. No one has ever given you the love that you like receiving.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. Facts, dude, facts. So this makes a lot more sense. Yeah. Of why I can't ever have a successful relationship. Because they don't love me in the way I need to be loved. That's fair. And I mean, I I get, I guess, like I do I want someone who wants to go on adventures with me. I want someone who wants to I love doing things, and I want someone that wants to also love doing things, and it would be super awesome if like I didn't always have to plan everything. Because I'm I'm so used to being the one who plans things. My whole relationship with prison Aaron Carter, like every anniversary trip we took, I planned it, I paid for it. Every date we went on, I planned it, I paid for it. And like every relationship I've had for the most part.

SPEAKER_00:

That only explains I'm always the dude. Okay, that explains my Johnny Bravo relationship, but that was like tumultuous and toxic, and he is a narcissist and now a felon and all the other things.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it's not over yet. Well, not yet, but will be.

SPEAKER_00:

Will be. Yes, facing eight felonies, you know. He's well, actually, when you're out on bail for felonies, you can't have guns.

SPEAKER_01:

You can't, so basically you're like So the whole innocent until proven guilty is not accurate. It's kind of the other thing.

SPEAKER_00:

It's kind of like protecting, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, well, I mean it's fair.

SPEAKER_00:

They have to be like, like you did big enough shit that like until we decide if you're innocent or guilty, we're yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fair. Um but I don't know, I could be totally wrong. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

How do you feel like he tried to show you love in that relationship?

SPEAKER_00:

I got love bombed in the beginning, and then it was a bunch of like um back and forth like he would trauma bond with the whole like leaving me for no reason or like creating these big false scenarios and making me feel fucking crazy and gaslighting me and then like isolating. I just was taken for a fucking ride. Watch LoveCon Revenge, and I'm like, holy fuck, it follows the same plan. Like there is a all these guys follow the same like and they gain your trust. This is the fucked up thing. This is how I got like in the beginning in that whole scenario, like would win my trust as far as like there was little things in the beginning, like, oh, can um, you know, whatever something happened. So I would either pay for things or do things and then like do something nice in return, or maybe, you know, do something back to like overcompensate for it. And then it just became like always taking, always taking, always asking. Yeah. So like in the beginning, gained my trust very lied about being a child co child counselor, like just lies, manipulation, and trying to gain my trust. So it was like calculated trust gain and love bombing. But then it was all like taken away after I was like, you know what I mean? And then it was like very tumultuous. And then I felt like I don't know, glad I'm out of yeah, it's been over a year since I've been out of that scenario and now happily in a relationship. So there we go.

SPEAKER_01:

Which is so so that makes me think back to like when we and Cowardly Lion were dating, like I leaned very heavily on the fact that he would promise acts of service. Yes. And he would promise quality time, and then those things wouldn't like he went to the mud bogs like without me and didn't even and he didn't understand why that bothered me so much. I'm like, you didn't even invite me. Like, why do you not want to share your time with me?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, I also have to say that the last two relationships that you've been in, these men both tell you to stop working as much because they will take care of you financially. Yes, they do, and then when you quit, they're like, I didn't remember saying that actually actually gonna help you. Yes. Oh my god. They they're like, please stop working. It's so bad for you.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes, it's bad for you, and we don't get to spend much time to do it.

SPEAKER_00:

And it's all about and they're like, How much would it take for you to stop working? And then you will tell them, and they say both of them did that. And they say, okay, and then none of them do anything about it after you quit. Or they even say, they don't even say, you know, I changed my mind. That number's not something I'm comfortable with.

SPEAKER_01:

They just have you do right, because we pre-negotiated an amount before I even quit those jobs.

SPEAKER_00:

And you even agreed to do work for them on their businesses in exchange so that's correct.

SPEAKER_01:

Because I'm like, you can't just give me money that's right, but I will help you build your business.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, and then you did that for them, and then they did nothing for you. Correct. In fact So from now on, you're not quitting any jobs until they pay you ahead of time.

SPEAKER_01:

Cowardly Lion didn't pay me. I started helping him in November, and I didn't start getting paid until I know. I asked you if I can invoice them for you, and you said no in June, and that was only because my sister ripped into him on our six-month anniversary trip. There was like a big fight, and like it was yeah, but that's the only reason why he finally started paying me. Um, yeah, so that's a fucking thing I need to work on. I'm like, wait, I have I have something to say. I have something to say. That's fair. But but yeah, I I agreed, like, I want you to show me off. I want especially because I have trauma specifically related to um being hidden. Being hidden, yeah. Like literally when me and Fat Roger were together, like he never wanted to keep me a secret. And like so much so that the one time that he did take me out and he took me to fucking Denny's, like it's not even like a thing. I I literally almost had a panic attack because I was so worried that people were gonna see us, and I knew he didn't want people to see us. And I had such a bad like anxiety moment over it that we had to leave and go back to my house. And then he's like, Are you okay now? And I was like, Yeah, because like I feel safe in my house because we always were at my house because he didn't want people to know that we were dating. And I found out obviously later that people dating other people.

SPEAKER_00:

I remember when I saw him out of the bar with one of my friends, and I was like, Weird, you have no time to be with my friend, but there's these two girls you're with, and he tried to be like, Oh, they're just like I'm like, You're not fucking working at this bar, you're here with them. So, anyways.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, he's a piece of shit.

SPEAKER_00:

Very much.

SPEAKER_01:

But yeah, so I mean, that's probably part of the thing. Like, I have trauma related to being hidden. So that probably brought up the importance of quality time for me, but yeah. Okay, and so But again, I don't want to see you every day. So I want I want the time to be meaningful. I don't want like you were like, I like it when someone's just around. I don't want you to just be around for the sake of being around. Like that might sound bad, but like to me, I have shit that I gotta do. And like if you're hanging around, I can't do my shit. That was also one of the things. Both of those gentlemen, both of the last two fucking people that I dated would just hang around my house. And I'm like, I have a job and I have to work and I have things that I have to do, and they would just be there.

SPEAKER_00:

Because they didn't really have jobs.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, but they still made so much money, it's very confusing.

SPEAKER_00:

Really, because they'd be able to help you. I feel like they lied.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, they would have been able to help me, they just chose not to, is the difference. That's the fucking red flag.

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, because they told you they were going to.

SPEAKER_01:

Correct. Correct. But I got better, right? I was with I was with Cowardly Lion for 15 months, and I only dated Lemon for eight. No, six weeks official, eight weeks total. So that one doesn't go on my record. But yes, I'm but I'm getting better at identifying patterns. So like things have been shitty, but like it evolved to a different like it's not it's less shitty. Like the things that they do, it's less shitty. So yay for that. Um but I'm also getting better at being like this this doesn't serve me. This isn't gonna work for me. So progress. Go be on progress.

SPEAKER_00:

Um, I do like on here how it talks about like the compatibility. Um, so wait, we're still going back and forth. Okay, so receiving gifts, obviously for me, quality time. We both love quality time. So that's interesting.

SPEAKER_01:

I but it's I am surprised that your words of affirmation, excuse me, was as low as it is. Because I feel like any time that I compliment you, you light up.

SPEAKER_00:

I think it's like um with okay, I enjoy compliments. I do enjoy them. I think that I am traumatized by compliments because I was lied to.

SPEAKER_01:

That's fair.

SPEAKER_00:

The more I'm thinking about it, because it's like, okay, great, your words can your words can say anything. Yep. But if your actions don't match your words, who gives a fuck? The second that somebody their actions don't align with their words, like I'll never say anything, but I never forget. So like you will automatically, whoever you are in my life, it's just always gonna be. So I think that's been such a huge lesson and thing as of late. And I think it's because of everything that I went through and was processing from fucking Johnny Bravo. Yeah, no, because he lied to me so much so much. And also So fucking much. Okay, remember how like we were going through like sometimes my brain goes off on like, oh my god, it's all over. Like, you know, like out of nowhere. Yes. And I read into things and I was exploring this, and I'm like, Because I would be left, dumped, ghosted, whatever you want to call it, in Johnny Bra for no reason. Like it would just be like over for no reason, would treat me crazy and no word for no reason. For no reason.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep, you didn't do anything with it.

SPEAKER_00:

Like for, yeah. And so, like in our back and forth time, I mean, obviously, like, or would try to play passive aggressive and after being like, oh, I love you, or XYZ, and then it's words to try to get you back.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, so now the actions are completely different.

SPEAKER_00:

So much sense. So I think that that's where because I do, I want you to tell me I all the things. I want to be reassured, but at the same time, it's like I think I'm a little so now I just well and that's me to have more actions.

SPEAKER_01:

That's totally fair because I like I've never been pushing it.

SPEAKER_00:

You can't lie about like, oh, I was thinking about you and I spent time to get to know you, and so you like XYZ, or I want to take you on this date night because I know you like this. Like those things combined together mean like you researched me, not the creepy way, but like you know you learned about and it and it wasn't just like some generic what you want, you want me to come with you. It's like you were like you knew that I would like effort. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

This is what I say all the time. All I want is effort. That's it. It seems to me, it seems like such a small thing to ask for, but apparently the.

SPEAKER_00:

Be careful what you ask for, genuine effort.

SPEAKER_01:

That's fair. That's a good distinction.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, because there's effort that's given, that's not.

SPEAKER_01:

That's but it's interesting to me. I wonder, I wonder if there's a pattern for women who have been through traumatic relationships if they all tend to not trust words of affirmation. Because I I I've never like really. I really loved it, but it didn't bother me to the extent that it bothers me now until Fat Roger. But he didn't like he didn't do it the same way that Johnny Bravo did with you. Like Johnny Bravo made you not like it because he made you not trust it.

SPEAKER_00:

I oh I remember he'd be like, I love you, but quit telling me that. Right. It would be like the same slew of things. It'd be really irritating.

SPEAKER_01:

And for me, Fat Roger tore me down so much that he made me feel that any person who gave me words of affirmation was lying to me. Like he would tell me over and over I didn't I wasn't worth it. No one would love me. But different but different, dimilar. Same outcome. We both no longer can handle words of affirmation. Mine was so bad. I was so brainwashed into thinking that I was the worst human on the planet and no one else could ever love me except for him and all that things to the point where like when people would compliment me, I would get physically sick to my stomach. Like I would be so uncomfortable with it that I would literally get physically ill. Like I'm past that now. But like that's how strong of a reaction he created for me for that stuff. So when people compliment me or say nice things, I automatically assume they're lying. That is my first instinct is that you're lying. So now I have to get to a point where instead of arguing back, because that's what I would do, I would be like, dude, don't like no. We both know that's not true. Don't say it just for the sake of saying it. Like, it doesn't make me feel good about myself. It makes me feel like you're lying, and I hate liars. Now I can at least like hold all that on the inside and say thank you. I still don't believe it. I still don't like it. It still makes me uncomfortable, but I'm I'm better. I don't get sick. And I can say thank you and move on. But I'm also really, I'm really bad at then giving words of affirmation because it makes me so uncomfortable. Like I don't know how to say it's really hard to other people.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes. I think that's where like, remember, I used to be really blunt in your like, Heather, you still are just in a different way. I am, and it's really okay, so I think for me, either it was easy like being married to Luke or whatever, like, right, we were together forever. So, like words of affirmation being like, I don't know, we did a lot of physical, but um, like physical touch and time together, I think. Maybe words of affirmation have never been like a huge thing for me, but um I don't know, it is a little uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01:

A little easier when you're comfortable with the person, though.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, because you I don't know. I feel like when I'm saying something for me personally, like I really fucking mean it. So that's the hard part. So many people say things just to say it. Yeah. It's like, what's the point of how I will not? I don't.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I don't see the point of that. Um so but that also means that you know that when we say something to you, like we fucking mean it.

SPEAKER_00:

So like I may not, I don't know, so it's hard for me sometimes to like, you know, get a compliment. I don't know, like I don't just always reciprocate compliment for compliment.

SPEAKER_01:

Maybe this is the reason why you accept my compliment so much better is because I'm normally doing it in a mean way. Well, because you I yell at you. Yes. I'm all like, fuck you in your beautiful face. Like that's what you know what I mean. Yes. And I also know that you wouldn't give me fluff. Like you're gonna say it like No, I'm very honest with you. Very much.

SPEAKER_02:

I love it.

SPEAKER_01:

So yeah, like you know that when I say it. Like, okay, perfect example. Um, a while ago, motorcycle was talking to me, and he's all like, I really need you to work on dirty talk. And I'm like, it's not gonna happen. Like I can't do it. I'm so bad at that. Like it makes me uncomfortable. I can't even read I don't know. I can't even read smut. It makes me uncomfortable. It's such it's such a weird experience for me. I can watch it all day, but I cannot read it. Like it's the words that make me uncomfortable, but the visual is fine. And I don't know what it is, but it's bad, and I can't do it. I cannot do it. Like, I would feel like I'm not your pictures.

SPEAKER_00:

You're like, let me send you some pictures of my channel.

SPEAKER_01:

I can't send you a photo.

SPEAKER_00:

I have no problem.

SPEAKER_01:

I can't talk dirty to you. It's uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm that same way. I'm like, I don't know. I've never done that, but I've never done that. I was married for a long time. You know what I mean? It's just like, I guess I don't have experience in this.

SPEAKER_01:

I feel like, in order for me to be good with words of affirmation, that I would need to have a very solid foundation with this person. And like that's something that I would develop over time, but that's not something that I can go in with.

SPEAKER_00:

You're like, I'm gonna roast the shit out of you until I really it's bad. I don't mean to, but it's the only way I know I know how to sad that her humor is as big as Matiddies. And and is funny, as big and funny. I was gonna say nice, but sometimes it can be nice.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I don't try to purposely be mean. Oh, you can.

SPEAKER_00:

Sometimes you're funny and be mean. Yeah, it depends who you are. It depends on case by case.

SPEAKER_01:

That's fair. Like sometimes people deserve it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yes, again, honesty in everything we say. Yes. Yes. Um okay, so what else does it say here?

SPEAKER_01:

Um, so there's a conclusion here. So my conclusion is for people with access service as your primary love language, um, understanding its profound impact on your emotional well-being and relationship dynamics is crucial. By effectively utilizing your love language, you can foster deep connections, enhance emotional intimacy, create supportive and loving environment. Key lies in performing practical gestures, communicating appreciation. I'm actively working on this with my kids right now, actually, um, because I do feel like if I want somebody to continue to do things for me, I need to make sure that they understand how much I value and appreciate when they do things for me. So, like um, Deegan did the uh the dishes the other day without me asking, and I had to be like, hey, I want you to know that like I see you and I really value and appreciate what you're doing for me. So then hopefully he will continue to have a lot of people.

SPEAKER_00:

Positive reinforcement, yes. Positive reinforcement.

SPEAKER_01:

I definitely so that's something I'm working on because I have a tendency to like be grateful without telling people that I'm grateful, and so I'm working on that for sure. Um, and then reciprocating efforts. I do feel like I try to do acts of service back for people, but like I feel very limited on what I can do. But let me tell you, if you need me ever for anything and you're my friend, like all you have to do is tell me that you need me and I'm fucking there.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, she'll even show up with her hair processes. I know I But you better get in the damn car or she'll be pissed. God, get in the fucking car. Okay, this is when you should have known my indecisiveness. You should have been like, you know what? Fucking Christmas tree. I'm literally showing. Christmas tree and roll-up are not going to solve any of your problems.

SPEAKER_01:

I told you that. And you still stayed.

SPEAKER_00:

And then I ended up in a house. I did end up with people that I did not know. I made new friends that night. I think. I don't know. That was like, I'm like, how am I in a garage right now? What's going on? Anyways, fun times. I don't know if we talked about that story, but I'm sure we did. I think probably in the world. I think that was on a Cinderella episode. I don't even know. But um our shenanigans.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. But so I do try, like, I will be there for you. I might not be able to fix it, but I will find a way, right?

SPEAKER_00:

No, no, and I will as well. Like, that's what both we are the same. We're very loyal friends.

SPEAKER_01:

Very loyal. To a fault sometimes. It's gotten us in trouble with some people.

SPEAKER_00:

Public service announcement. I am the world's worst fucking texter. I will answer you in my head. I will knock it back to you. I will think I texted you. I am so fucking sorry.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, and you have so many bloody notifications on your phone to see you. Oh, do you want to talk about it? No, I don't because it gives me an eye twitch.

SPEAKER_00:

Lily goes, Is that how many text messages do you have total or unread? No, unread. And I said unread.

SPEAKER_01:

And she was like How many do you have unread? Well, just do texts. How many do you have unread right now?

SPEAKER_00:

1,175.

SPEAKER_01:

That's fucking gross.

SPEAKER_00:

Do you want to know how many? Can you name something else and I'll tell you the notifications? Email? 55,000. No. No.

SPEAKER_01:

No.

SPEAKER_00:

55. On one of my email accounts, it's 55,000. If we go through all of them, we're going up more than.

SPEAKER_01:

Do you want to know how many unread email I have? Ten.

unknown:

Ten.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Because I've been here. And that's the only reason that I have ten.

SPEAKER_00:

I want to have nine missed calls. What? I don't know how.

SPEAKER_01:

People ain't calling me. I don't. You're like the only person that calls me.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, one was Braden, one was Lily.

SPEAKER_01:

That's fair.

SPEAKER_00:

I have a slew of no-caller IDs. That's fucking weird.

SPEAKER_01:

Weird. Weird. I wonder who that is.

SPEAKER_00:

Anyway. Anyways. Um, yeah. No, a lot of texts I just don't get around to them. Or I open them and then I don't. Okay, to be fair, Braden's I left him on red just now, but he's home, so that's fine. That's funny.

SPEAKER_01:

So I I actually um I know that like these are the standard five love languages. Um, but I think that there should be a sixth one, and it should be inclusion because I want to be, and maybe that falls under quality time, and maybe I just don't I haven't looked at it that way because I very much like I want to be included in the things that you do. I don't need to do everything with you, but I want to be included in the conversation. I want to know what you're doing, and like, but go do you, that's fine. Like, I don't mind that, but I want to be included in your day. You know what I mean? I know you today. You're like, Do you have any beverage? Or like, do you have a beverage? I made me laugh. I was like, Yes, I have a beverage. Thank you for thinking of it. You know what I mean? I want to be included. That's it. So maybe that is quality time, and I just never really put those two together.

SPEAKER_00:

Because you have not had anyone do it for you. Ever.

SPEAKER_01:

Ever. It's so weird. It's really weird navigating relationships when you don't get the things that you want. It's weird.

SPEAKER_00:

The only thing that's popping into my mind right now is the cat P trailer. I don't think you're gonna find anything in the cat pee trailer. And you still walked into that. I feel like that's like gonna find any love languages here. I'm gonna get on out.

SPEAKER_01:

And then maybe baby just messaged me.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, let me see it.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm like, let me see it. Just conversating.

SPEAKER_00:

Oh, it's cute though. I can read a lot by that. I can I can read between the lines. You two are cute. Oh, watch, you're gonna be like shacked up next.

SPEAKER_01:

No, no, because there's I'm at a point in my life with relationships in general. Like I have a I have a general plan for where I see myself in the future. And I'm I'm very worried about if I were to date anybody, that it would throw off that plan. And so that's that's scary for me. And so if I really gotta like sit down, I have to go slow if I'm decide to date anybody because like I need to figure out what I really want, you know. But I very much feel like I put other people before me more than I don't, and like moving away for me is like me putting myself first, and I'm scared that I would give that up again for somebody else. And so that's where I'm at right now with it. Like it's not the person, it's me. I'm the problem.

SPEAKER_00:

We already needed that, like we already know that.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, but I don't know. Inclusion. Inclusion is important. I like that.

SPEAKER_00:

Um yeah. I guess that's it for today. I like it though. That was good. It was very uh informational. Oh, I always send us fan fan mail, let us know. Oh, that other person we never even read the fan mail.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, I know I couldn't get into the app fast enough. Okay. Um let us respond. So that's weird.

SPEAKER_00:

It gives us their number, their phone number.

SPEAKER_01:

Are we supposed to text them? I didn't I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

Or we just do it on air. It's just fan mail.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

But it does link their phone number um if they put it in.

SPEAKER_01:

So no, if you send us something, we might not respond right away because we're trying to figure that part out.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, usually I always bring it on, I try to always bring it up on the podcast.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, it was on Buzz Sprout, and uh Buzz Sprout, the app used to keep me logged in and now it kicks me out every time and makes me relong it, re-log in. And I don't know why it doesn't.

SPEAKER_00:

Very informative episode with Janessa. Will you be having any future in studio readings?

SPEAKER_01:

Yes. Oh, I haven't even brought this up to you yet. What? But um, so me and Janessa were having a conversation about how we should do an episode live where we make manifestation boards. I love that. And I love that idea. And no, but and um we've also talked about her like reading our birth charts on air. Um I ordered a book because I got manic for a minute, and so I spent all my money. And I I ordered a book, and it's supposed to be like a astrology all about you type of book. And I told Janessa that I'm gonna have her look at it before I even read it so she can tell me like before I read it, like how much weight I should put on it. Like, is it accurate? Does she agree with it? Should I read it with a grain of salt? But I love it when she does readings, and it calls me out hard.

SPEAKER_00:

But she was gonna do one on uh we need to do it. I love it. I love the readings. I just yeah, I see her on Wednesday.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. I also see her on Wednesday. I know. It's so funny, that's gotta be such a weird thing for her.

SPEAKER_00:

Like you know, she loves it.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, but like meeting with you and then meeting with me is probably such a different experience.

SPEAKER_00:

It 100% is down to like the bodies, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, because what we need what she's doing for you is very different from what she's doing for me. Yeah, but even the conversations.

SPEAKER_00:

So we will do another one soon with her. Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_01:

We love Janessa. We love Janessa, and I cannot fucking promote her enough. If you have ever thought about getting body work done, massages, whatever, like I I very much recommend her. And one of the big things I just real quick, um, she doesn't charge per like modality, she charges for time because it's all about we'll we'll set the amount of time and then we'll do whatever your body needs, whether that's you know, doing deep tissue, whether it's therapeutic, whether it's contouring, whether sometimes she goes deep on me because that's what I need, and sometimes my body can't because I'm too inflamed.

SPEAKER_00:

So she's like, my central nervous system, there's times where I'm so stressed. Yeah, where's the thing? Because I internally hold stress, like you would never know from the outside because I just you're tigger and bubbly and all that. You will never know that my world is crumbling because I just hold it all in. But there's times where like I just it's too much and it's been too much for so long, and I'm like, she's like, it's emotional today. We're just working this calming the central nervous system, and I'm like, you already know.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, and the good thing about Janessa is like not only does she work on your body, but because of all of like her intuitiveness, like she also helps your mind. So it's literally like a full body experience to go there. I love it. Me too. But yes, we will definitely do more with Janessa for sure.

unknown:

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00:

All right, well, till next time, besties.

SPEAKER_01:

Love ya. Bye.