we are NOT the SAME
We Are Not the Same: Join our comedic journey as Bodybuilder Barbie flexes her muscles against Daria’s dry wit! Dive into the hilarity of life’s twists and turns through the eyes of two contrasting besties who prove that different perspectives lead to the best stories. Tune in for laughs, randomness, and a sprinkle of chaos!
we are NOT the SAME
My Brain Needs A Manager, Not Another Pill
What if the story you’ve been told about depression and anxiety is too small for what you’re actually living? We dive straight into the messy middle—where SSRIs’ origin stories meet the placebo effect, where side effects complicate recovery, and where the medical system often manages instead of heals. Along the way, we unpack why ketamine therapy feels different for treatment‑resistant depression, how neural remapping can loosen trauma’s grip, and what “feeling better” looks like when it finally reaches your body, not just your thoughts.
We open up about long years on medications, the frustration of withdrawal and discontinuation symptoms, and the strange reality that some labels become their own trap. We also explore the gut‑brain axis, autoimmune flareups, insomnia, and the cumulative impact of polypharmacy. If you’ve ever wondered why your anxiety spikes with overstimulation, why background noise soothes until it suddenly overwhelms, or why social media breaks feel like oxygen, you’ll hear echoes of your own life here. Hypervigilance gets a fair hearing too—its uncanny pattern recognition and its cost—plus how boundaries and slower environments retrain a nervous system stuck in fight or flight.
This conversation blends research and real life: the shifting serotonin theory, the shadow side of clinical trials, the practical friction of scheduling care, and the small daily moves that stack up—sleep windows, food you can digest, movement that calms, and choosing connection that doesn’t drain. We hold space for grief as an exception category, honor the days when your mind won’t budge, and still make room for hope that feels earned, not forced. If meds help you, we see you. If they haven’t, you’re not broken—you’re ready to try a bigger toolkit.
Listen, share with a friend who needs a sanity check, and tell us your story: what has actually helped you heal? If you’re new here, hit follow, leave a review, and keep the conversation going.
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Do we are now the same?
SPEAKER_00:I am Lacey. I am Heather. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm alright. I know I was not gonna say this. And I'm not super alright, but I'm alright. You can tell by your voice that you're in a depressive state because you sound like Eeyore times 10. I was like, did you eat edibles before you got here? No, I didn't. I'm like, and then I realized it's just your depressed voice.
SPEAKER_01:It's just me.
SPEAKER_00:It's just your depressed voice.
SPEAKER_02:The funniest part about that is I actually recently got an Eeyore onesie for book club. I know. And I need to get the Tigger one. Yeah, so then when we ever actually do record, we always say we will. It never happens.
SPEAKER_00:If it ever happens, we'll really have to record. We're going to. It just requires a little more setup. And at this juncture, I just get our voice. Be thankful for what you get, okay?
SPEAKER_02:It's hard. Our schedules do not fucking align. No very much. We still make this happen, so you're welcome.
SPEAKER_00:Um and it's good. I love it that we get to see. It's so funny because it's like sometimes we see each other a lot. I know. And sometimes, but so goes life, right? There's no schedule, we just make it work. Um, so here we are. Yeah. I do have to, I want to touch on I'm reading this book. Um I love to read.
SPEAKER_02:I'm such a nerd, and it's always like you love to read too, but we definitely do not read the same story.
SPEAKER_00:No, mine is always personal development, self-help, like learning psychology stuff. So right now, um, I'm reading Lost Connections and it's why you're depressed and how to find hope. But really, it's diving in. I'm reading now like about anxiety and depression, and how like they came across antidepressants by accident. Yeah. Um they were trying to tr treat tuberculosis.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, there's so many medications, like they that what they're used for now was not what they were trying to use it for.
SPEAKER_00:So they initially came across this by giving it to tuberculosis patients in a ward, and then they realized that some of them started being euphoric and dancing and happy, and they're like, Well, maybe if we give this to depressed people. Um, but then like going. So then they're like, Oh yeah, it works. But then like they're like like digging more into it and like shocker, it's a big giant placebo effect.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. It's basically like I have been on every type of every single antidepressant that's ever been made. I have been on it. And it's I am not any better now than I was when they started me on them when I was 11. Don't do that. I have been on them for almost 30 years.
SPEAKER_00:That's very bad for you.
SPEAKER_02:That's insane. Well, I mean on and off because I don't know.
SPEAKER_00:That's why you have body issues, because here's my other thing. I think you have side effects. I do not take medications. You and me were totally like, I do not go to the doctor, I do not take medications. I'm like, no. And you, because you have chronic conditions.
SPEAKER_02:I have to.
SPEAKER_00:But maybe your chronic conditions were because of the shit that they've been giving you. You never really know.
SPEAKER_02:So, well, you never, you never know. But you have side effects.
SPEAKER_00:Don't take your drugs.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. I'm very big on I will not take something unless there is like proof to me that it there's a benefit for me to take it. So I doctors get pissed at me all the time because they prescribe me shit. You still take it. I will stop taking it. Yeah, but you because I'm like, fuck this.
SPEAKER_00:You put it in your body, you try it out.
SPEAKER_02:I've tried everything.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I don't I think they did you a disfavor.
SPEAKER_02:I think a a it's all related, right? Like, all of my un the unknownness of my medical world is amplified by the other things. Like, um, I read an article the other day about how people who have experienced trauma, women who have experienced trauma have like a 30% higher chance of having autoimmune issues than people who haven't.
SPEAKER_00:A lot of it has to do with your mental and then things being introduced. No, it does though. I'm not saying anything. Okay, I just want to say like it's true. I think a lot of these things are perpetuated in the mind and then brought out through the body. Not like, not like made up, okay? No, I know exactly what you're saying. But it is brain amplified, which is why the placebo effect works because it's brain thick, like it's why the ketamine treatment a lot. Wow, we're we're downstairs today, we're not in my bed. It's shocking.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, it's a different, different sound room. Yes. But no, I completely agree with you on that, actually, because if you look at the side effects, more often than not, the the condition in which you are taking that medication is actually listed as a side effect. So when the medication doesn't fix the problem that you're taking it for, and you have other side effects, you can blame it as a side effect and not that the product doesn't work. So I 100% agree with you.
SPEAKER_00:Like, well, the more I'm reading and like the research, it is unfortunately a money, it's a business, right? So we are made to think that the doctors are helping us, but I mean, in the long scheme of things, it's money.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, they're incentivized by oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00:I was reading about the re okay, the studies on antidepressants, SSRIs. We know they don't work. We know I love ketamine. That sounds so weird. I love ketamine. I love ketamine.
SPEAKER_02:Context is important. It really, really is.
SPEAKER_00:Really because you could just downclip that out and make me sound awful. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:We're gonna get canceled before we ever make it.
SPEAKER_00:I've actually never used ketamine recreationally.
SPEAKER_02:I want to know who would like that.
SPEAKER_00:Who would like that? Not I. Not I. Okay, don't ask that question because I would love it, but I also not recreationally, and I feel like that would freak me the fuck out if I was not in a room alone.
SPEAKER_02:I was gonna say, I wouldn't do it like at a party. Absolutely no, who knows? But lock me in a bedroom and give it to me every day, and I would be content with that.
SPEAKER_00:But if you want to also snap her and or like keep her hostage forever. Her tits are really nice. She might fetch a great price on the black market. You just keep her locked with ketamine. That's it. You just gave away your tits. You said it.
SPEAKER_01:I did, I did not. That's not exactly what I said.
SPEAKER_00:You said I would love that. So therefore, somebody could take complete possession of your soul by locking you in a room. You're like, I would love that. Just keep me drugged that.
SPEAKER_01:I probably wouldn't be that mad. You wouldn't.
SPEAKER_00:You're like, I don't have to work three jobs today.
SPEAKER_02:You're like, I don't have to clean up after three teenage boys and six dogs today. You know what? That's so bad.
SPEAKER_00:But then you'd be like, you'd be sad. You'd be like, I can't.
SPEAKER_01:Maybe I am always sad. Okay. That's the problem.
SPEAKER_00:That is literally the problem. Why am I getting happier and you're getting sadder? I don't know what's happening. I'm not like I'm getting sadder or happier. I don't know. I'm just like, I'm more amplified. I think manic and you're depressed.
SPEAKER_02:A little bit. Have you been spending all your money?
SPEAKER_00:No. I've actually been like a lot better per usual.
SPEAKER_02:You're you're in a good relationship. You're happy. Things are going well with like your job. You're getting more clients, you're being consistent. You know what I mean? Like obviously, when positive things happen, it creates the positive fucking chemicals, and so you're happy.
SPEAKER_00:I've also taken like a small social media hiatus, and I love it.
SPEAKER_02:Has that been good for your mental health?
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:I only ever post like fuck fucked up memes on Facebook for the most part. So I think that my Facebook's actually good for my mental health, except like the political shit that drives me.
SPEAKER_00:I don't get any of that because I don't interact with any of it. So my algorithm, not that I don't think that it was like necessarily I was putting a lot of unneeded pressure in posting and sharing on yourself on myself. And I don't like that. So like taking that out was like freeing for me. Not that like I don't get like in the comparison trap or things like that, but definitely replacing the scrolling time or things like that that I would be dreading on doing. Because I was so I've lived in social media, I feel like, for so much. So taking a little step back was really nice.
SPEAKER_02:Social media definitely plays when it comes to mental health. I don't think it does.
SPEAKER_00:I've replaced it with you know my reading and all that.
SPEAKER_02:My sister um used to tell me, she's all like, I can tell when you're in a depressive episode based off of your Facebook.
SPEAKER_01:And I'm like, honestly, that's probably a fair.
SPEAKER_00:Everybody can. Everybody, you're not fooling anyone if you thought you were.
SPEAKER_02:I'm not actively trying to not, but it's just funny to me that like because I I don't reach out, right? Like, that's not what I do as a person, whether I'm good or bad, or it does not matter the circumstances for the most part. Like, I do not reach out unless I'm literally in a situation that like I cannot get myself out of. That is the only time I will ever reach out. And I think that's happened a total of three times in my timeline.
SPEAKER_00:When you were like physically stuck because your car was in a bank.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Yep. And I even struggled to try to get the car out on my own for like 20 minutes before I even called anybody. And the only reason why I called somebody was because you didn't have triple A. But they wanted to charge me like$125, and it was gonna take them two and a half hours to get to me, and I was like, fuck that.
SPEAKER_00:It was dumb. Your insurance doesn't have like so many toes.
SPEAKER_02:Um, it was because it was like a snowstorm, and like otherwise I'd have to wait until all of the other calls were like first. It was like an emergency fee type of thing or whatever. Because I was on my way to work when it happened, by the way.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, no, I remember. And then you came here and said, Yep. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, but okay, so we were talking about like so like depression. If you listen to the side effects of the antidepressants, like the number one side effect is suicidal thoughts. Yes. And it's like, um, isn't that kind of counterintuitive? Isn't that the opposite? Why are you amplifying the worst part of it? You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00:Like, also, teenagers are not supposed to be on. Like, you know how initially it was said that you should?
SPEAKER_02:I've been on them since I was offline.
SPEAKER_00:They were marketed for that, but it has been proven and they hid the studies that it does not work for teenagers that should not be used on the adolescent brain.
SPEAKER_02:Your brain is still growing. Like, that makes sense to me. I was reading because today I was like, You're probably gonna make it worse for yourself in the long run because then you're interrupting your brain's natural.
SPEAKER_00:So this is the thing. So they were doing studies and they did they had um a drink that would basically kill your serotonin. So they did studies. So they gave that to people, and then they gave them SSRIs because they wanted to see what would happen with the different chemicals. They're trying to figure out okay, if we add serotonin, it's still not working, right?
SPEAKER_02:So it's so they're like because they've proven that serotonin is not the solution, right?
SPEAKER_00:So they're like, let's see what they thought it was forever. They did, and now it's proven that has nothing to do with it. The placebo effect, the placebo actually had better results than the SSRI. Because so much of it is Um Okay, hold on. Before yes, so then they were giving people serotonin killing brew, brew. So they gave that to people. They realized that they, without telling them that that's what it was, that they were feeling better because it's a fucking placebo. So then they're telling people they're giving no arpinephrine, they're just messing with all the chemicals, you know, just giving them some, taking some away, seeing what happens. It does not matter, they get the same results every time. So that makes sense to me.
SPEAKER_02:So I've never had somebody attempt the placebo effect on me, so maybe we needed a find a way to do that. Yes.
SPEAKER_00:But I have literally, like I said, I've tried and failed every single and it also comes down to you at your mind have to be like, this is healing me, and I don't think you have that in you.
SPEAKER_02:Because I'm a realist.
SPEAKER_00:I know I'm just saying that's why it doesn't work for you. Can we just say that's why it doesn't work? I'm not taking it personal. That's just all of a sudden you were like, Heather, I'm gonna if you all of a sudden started being like me, I'd be like, what the fuck?
SPEAKER_02:You would be concerned.
SPEAKER_00:I'd be like, what drugs are you taking now? Are you on meth? Is it is it ecstasy? Are we on MDMA? Like, what is that?
SPEAKER_02:No, that stuff doesn't work on me. I've tried ecstasy one time.
SPEAKER_00:You are so lack of any serotonin in your brain. You have not one happy chemical.
SPEAKER_02:There's no happy. There's nothing.
SPEAKER_00:So there's just it's if I'm you want to do ecstasy, there is none for you.
SPEAKER_02:It doesn't do shit for me. Like it was me and fiddlefaddle, and I don't give me that look, okay? Don't be mad about something that happened before I even met you.
SPEAKER_00:Fiddle faddle. Like I feel like anything with fiddle faddle is just like an automatic look. I it was it triggered it. That's the every time I hear fiddle faddle. Somebody said like that. I heard it. It was on the radio or something, and I instantly like You're like, ugh. And then I laughed inside because I thought of how gross she is. Everyone's fiddle faddled in the mat.
SPEAKER_01:That's not even the reason behind him, but that's so true. I know that's all I can think of. I'm like, oh that's so true though.
SPEAKER_02:Oh my god. I was always like, yeah, she's a whore, but it's never directly affected me. And then it directly affected me, and then I was like, I don't like you anymore. I never liked her. I know, I know. I know, neither did my friends. I saw through that. But anyway, the only the one time that I did it, it was me and fiddlefaddle and a mutual friend. Honestly, I don't even remember the girl's name anymore. I can picture her face, but I don't remember her name. And I'd never done it before, and they're like, okay, well, we're only gonna give you a little then because you've never done it. And I was like, that's fair. So I do a little, I I think I took like one pill and they took like two or something. Like they took double what I took. And then we went to the bar and they were having like the time of their life, and I'm feeling nothing. Like, I'm not drunk, I'm not high, I'm not anything, so I'm bored because they're having a great time, and I'm shy if I'm not, you know, altered. So I go up to them and I'm like, you guys, I think I'm gonna go home. They're like, What? I was like, Yeah, I'm bored as hell, and they're like, No, we just didn't give you enough. So they're like, we were right down the road from Fiddlefat's house, and so we went back. They gave me another pill and a half, so now I've had more than them. I'm at two and a half, and they're both at two. We go back to the bar after another like 45 minutes. I was like, no, seriously, I'm just gonna go home. Like, I'm bored out of my fucking mind. And they were rolling hard, and they're like, Are you fucking kidding me right now? And I was like, I don't I don't know how to activate this, but it is not working on me.
SPEAKER_00:My brain is fucking broken.
SPEAKER_02:So I just never did it again because what was the point? I literally got nothing out of it, and they were so high.
SPEAKER_00:Someone should just study your brain.
SPEAKER_02:My whole everything is broken.
SPEAKER_00:It's your brain.
SPEAKER_02:I think I think it stands in your brain. If I donated myself to science, I think they would give me back. Drop me off at a goodwill sometimes.
SPEAKER_00:There's nothing we can do with this.
SPEAKER_02:They're like, there's nothing that works.
SPEAKER_00:Like, this does not help us at all.
SPEAKER_02:I'm listed as an organ donor, and all I can imagine is.
SPEAKER_00:I would not want organs. Not that I don't love you, but please take that back. Please take that back for whoever poor soul gets any part of you.
SPEAKER_01:I don't think they'll let me.
SPEAKER_00:It'll like bleed into every other part of them.
SPEAKER_02:I'm like, literally, nothing on me works effectively, either self-damage or natural.
SPEAKER_00:I can't believe they let you be an organ donation.
SPEAKER_02:They not look at my medical record, but I know that they won't be able to actually take it because I'm not even allowed to donate plasma. They're like, oh, you have autoimmune issues? Absolutely fucking not. We're not gonna share that with another person. And I'm like, you know what? Good call. But I really needed that$800, so now I'm fucked. You also cannot donate plasma if you're bipolar. That is one of the qualifying questions. And I don't I don't feel like you can transmit that to another person through blood, but for some reason, I don't I do not know the reason, but you are not allowed to donate plasma if you are diagnosed bipolar.
SPEAKER_00:They must think that has something to do with that's weird.
SPEAKER_02:I think that just goes to like we know nothing. People think that we know a lot, but I feel like No, they lead us to believe that they know nothing. They lead us to believe that they know a lot, but they're but it's just about money. How many times do like people are taking a drug or products medical product for years and then it's recalled years later because they're like, oh, apparently it's actually really fucking bad for you. You know what I mean? Like it happens all the time.
SPEAKER_00:I have some stats. All right, so you know, you take the SSRIs, they don't work for you, all that, right? Yeah, yeah. Um, but they keep you on them for six months to a year. Correct. Then you have withdrawal and discontinuing use syndrome associated with it, withdrawal because you're pumping into yes, suddenly something. Well, you know, nothing works for you. I know, that's fair, that's fair.
SPEAKER_02:That is um I have to.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, so you do have to let anything in your body that you stop all the way, your body will make sense. You have to like titrate yourself off. See, I don't know I can just do it. I'm not talking like withdrawal symptoms. Well, if you don't take it, you said you don't take them like you're supposed to.
SPEAKER_02:No, I'll take them for the recommended time. And then as soon as it's like it's the same thing like with the fucking 21 fix. I did that for exactly 21 days. So if they tell me, take this for exactly 60 days, and and then we can make a decision, I won't even wait to go back to the doctor. I'll take it for exactly 60 days.
SPEAKER_00:But you're also so messed up and have so many side effects. Do you even know if like do you even know if you're feeling any withdrawals from the medication? Because you just fair too.
SPEAKER_02:Honestly, I never thought about it that way. But I do when I go to the doctor, I'm almost like, listen, I don't know what is associated with what. So, like, do you want me to list every symptom that I have or Oh, also, why is every side effect like diarrhea?
SPEAKER_00:Like, why is that like why is that an acceptable because you just pee out your ass all the time? Fuck you. First off, that's a common one for you. I'm not sure. But like, why do they expect it?
SPEAKER_01:I have IBS, but that is a very common issue to have when you have autoimmune diseases, you bitch.
SPEAKER_00:I didn't realize that it was so like immediate, like take a bite of pizza, go to the bathroom. I'm like, wow, it works like that, like just straight on through. No wonder you're skinny. I'm not sure. I wish that could like happen to me.
SPEAKER_02:No, you don't. It's fucking awful.
SPEAKER_00:Actually, you're right. That would be really scary at any moment in time that you have to go to the bathroom.
SPEAKER_02:Right, and you're be try being in like the middle of a fucking business meeting, and you have to just like clinch for your goddamn life because you're like, my body is in it's like a fucking grenade. Has physically gone off in my stomach, and I'm in so much pain. And I why don't you excuse yourself? Because it's a I can't. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes I'm given a fucking presentation, okay? Sometimes you can't.
SPEAKER_00:You know that your face is telling everybody.
SPEAKER_02:I I do not turn on my camera except for the meetings when I'm required to.
SPEAKER_00:Holy cotton for dear life. Clenching your butt cheeks, hoping that you can do it.
SPEAKER_02:Well, listen, okay, people who take a lot of medications or uh different combinations of medicine, like that that's a lot of chemicals to put in your body and it fucks up your gut.
SPEAKER_00:And I it does, and you can't tell me that you have healthy flora or your gut is.
SPEAKER_02:My gut is fucked. That's why you have to do that. That's part of the problem. I agree. I think the two the two things that as see, I am very much like clockwork every day.
SPEAKER_00:Very much, you know. I don't know how you do it.
SPEAKER_02:It's feast or famine over here. Okay. Like this is disgusting that we're talking about about our poop habits.
SPEAKER_00:Um, you know how it's probably very common.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and it's a part of real life, right? Also, as a bodybuilder, you have to know conditions. When you have lifelong conditions, it affects every fucking aspect. And like this is the reality of it. It's not just the main thing, it's all the side things that you get as a result of the main thing. You know what I mean? And that sucks. And that's this that's the same with this medication. Yes, it's it's the main thing, but then it's all the side effects. Like, my insomnia is insane. And then they try to give you other medications to help with the side effects from the first medication, and they do that 10 times over. So now you went from taking one medication to taking 16 fucking medications just to manage everything, and it's like nothing's managed, everything just keeps getting worse because your body is not designed to be able to deal with all of that. Right. That's insane. So, yeah, I don't do it. I've been up to 16 medications. That's that was my highest. I was taking 16 different things at one time in one day, and it was f awful. And I would do it all at once, and my kids are like, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Because I would just fucking handful, just like I do all the time. I had to because I was like, if I never do it all at once, I'm not gonna do it.
SPEAKER_00:Minor medications, minor supplements.
SPEAKER_02:Right, which is different because most of that is like health. Yeah, right. Yes. And yeah, the the whole thing with the healthcare industry, right, is nothing nothing the healthcare industry is not designed to cure, period. They are designed to manage. It is it is a completely different mindset. When I every time I go into a doctor, the discussion is never about how can I get better. It's always about how do I not get worse. And I feel like that's part of the problem. No one's trying to fix anything.
SPEAKER_00:Well, but you in your case, they don't even know what's yes, and they don't even know what's happening to you.
SPEAKER_02:No, I'm a medical marvel to everybody. No one knows.
SPEAKER_00:But what we were talking about with our book and or not our book, the book that I'm reading. Yeah, I did not know. No, you don't know.
SPEAKER_02:The book that I read was about a con artist. Ironically, I did not pick the book.
SPEAKER_00:Oh sad news. I just got a piece of paper yesterday. Did they push the January 5th?
SPEAKER_02:Fuck, are you kidding me? This is okay. January what? 5th.
SPEAKER_00:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:I'm moving in my fucking calendar.
SPEAKER_00:Oh my god, I'm like, can we just get over and done with this? I have been fucking Johnny Bravo free for over a year. Feels amazing. Life is great. I'm so glad I wrote that victim impact statement back then, though, because I feel like I have done so much healing and removing myself so far from that situation.
SPEAKER_02:I like And you didn't have to take medication to do it.
unknown:Nope.
SPEAKER_00:Nope.
SPEAKER_02:You gotta put on work. Yeah, that's what it is. You're definitely so much that's you're like a different person this year than you were last year. Yeah. Definitely justified.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. So that's good. Um, but yeah, so in the SSRI thing, giving you like the list of side effects for it being a placebo, and they're just like, okay, there's all these side effects that are like, and that suicide is one of the main ones in mind-boggling to me. But also, who comes up with these? Like, okay, so let's see the side effects. Nausea, headache, drowsiness, dry mouth, weight gain. That was a huge one when I was reading. Tons of people said that they'd gain weight and then lose it as soon as they would go off. Insomnia, sexual dysfunction.
SPEAKER_02:So, like, yeah, when we speak on these, because I fucking can.
SPEAKER_00:I know for a placebo, I feel like that's wild. Now that I'm reading all this, it's like I don't know, it's just crazy. Yeah. But when I went in, so the ketamine actually remaps your neural pathways, actually does work and doesn't have side effects. It's like one of the safest drugs that there are. Um, I'm going in for a booster on Halloween, actually. It's been good for you. I need one. You do.
SPEAKER_02:I know. Because I will say, like, I have I have tried everything, and I will say that doing the ketamine was the first thing, and this is how I know about the connection between mind and body so much because like my body physically changed after I did the ketamine. Like talking to if you talk to Janessa about it, like it still weirds her out. It's months later since I've done it, and she's like, Because it works like I told you, it's a little different. Because your body holds holds things, and you're you can you can literally make yourself sick by thinking that you're sick. Yes. Yep.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, that's a true thing. You can also heal yourself. I mean I if you can do one, you can't do the other. That doesn't make any sense.
SPEAKER_02:You not necessarily because it depends on what you see how you're broken.
SPEAKER_00:If you're telling me that you can make yourself sick, but you can't make yourself feel better, that doesn't make sense to me.
SPEAKER_02:You can't tell your brain, oh my cancer's gone.
SPEAKER_00:No, but you can't like tell your brain, give me cancer either. Maybe. So see, I think it has to work both ways. You can't tell me it only works negative way. You can't tell me that it's not a good thing.
SPEAKER_02:I think that you can make yourself better in the certain No, I definitely think.
SPEAKER_00:Cancers in your genes, you cannot mentally give yourself cancer. I don't believe that. I don't believe I don't believe that.
SPEAKER_02:No, I think you can give yourself an aneurysm, though.
SPEAKER_00:I think any sort of stress, yeah, any sort of negativity is gonna negatively affect your body.
SPEAKER_02:Well, so this stress also causes inflammation.
SPEAKER_00:Also, being able to just let shit go, brushing it off, has been like the best thing ever. I think we need to do that with you. I think you need to start letting it be able to do that.
SPEAKER_02:I think I'm doing better about that. I have been doing shit got a little rough in the past week. I had a bad week, not gonna lie. But I was depressed before that. I know you know that's not for me, that's not that directly correlated. Everything could be going great, and I could still wake up and all of a sudden be depressed for no reason. And then I then I get angry with myself because I'm like, I literally have no fucking reason. And then the anger increases the depression.
SPEAKER_00:Force yourself to just like try to do stuff that makes you have dopamine hits or makes you happy when you're like that. How am I not? Like when you wake up and you're like, okay, I'm depressed today, like be like, okay, you know what? Fuck that. I'm gonna go watch a movie with my kids and eat the fucking shit that I like and do things that like no, I mean I absolutely do that.
SPEAKER_02:I absolutely do that. That's okay. You force yourself to have a good day when you have- force myself to I don't have to be.
SPEAKER_00:I've never heard of this before.
SPEAKER_02:I don't can't why do you think I'm here? No, I don't cancel anything.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, I think you're not hearing what I'm saying. I meant like mentally, instead of being like it's shit, like today sucks, like all just being like, like force yourself, like mentally be like, no, I'm gonna be like Heather today. It doesn't work like that at all. Well, I'm wondering if maybe that would help.
SPEAKER_02:No, because the problem is like my brain, this is gonna make me sound crazy, and I understand that, and I'm okay with that. But like my brain is a separate entity from me. I have conversations with my brain as if my brain were its own being. It just happens to speak to me in my own voice in my head, and it's weird, and it sounds like I'm crazy, and I get it. But I have arguments with my brain about this is good, I'm like, I'm happy about this, I'm grateful for this. Like, and then it will be like I don't fucking give a shit. Like, and it's literally it's like having a fucking ongoing debate in my brain at all times where I'm trying to be like, no, look, I'm I'm blessed. I have the best fucking kids, I have a good house, I have a good job, and like I am constantly arguing with myself that there's literally no reason for me to feel that way. And like there, it's just a temper tantrum. I literally am telling my I'm like, you're having a temper tantrum for no fucking reason. And its response is I don't give a fuck. I am in control of your body. I'm gonna make it so you can't do anything. I'm gonna make it like and then it's literally a heaviness that like I'm I ha every time I get up, like I have to fight it.
SPEAKER_00:So I guess like maybe for you it's just managing your symptoms because it's never gonna change. I think it will if I I don't know. I think this just may be what you deal with, and you just have to figure out a way to get through it. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02:I'm still trying to go through the healing stuff.
SPEAKER_00:Like they're gonna do some more, do another ketamine booster. I know. See how that goes. They do help. The boosters do help.
SPEAKER_02:Um part of what makes me nervous to do that is when I paid for it the first time, I was using insurance, and so they only charge me$250 up front instead of the$450 up front.
SPEAKER_00:So you think now they're gonna charge you all of it?
SPEAKER_02:No, well, so I have never seen a claim go through to my insurance for it. Nothing is showing in my claims for it, but they've never tried to get the additional funds from me, and I don't want to put it on their radar. I would just do it again.
SPEAKER_01:Because I'm like, I don't know if that's a mistake, but you should just go.
SPEAKER_00:I know that's a weird thing keeping you away from it.
SPEAKER_02:That this is how my this is how my.
SPEAKER_00:I know, but see that again. I'm like, I think it's just you. As an outsider perspective, it's just you.
SPEAKER_02:That's because you're not inside my brain to feel it. Because it's easier for it's the same, even like doing the fucking dishes. I'm like, dude, just get them to I have a dishwasher. It's not like doing the dishes is even that fucking hard. But like I can't, I can't, and I don't know, I don't know how else to explain it. The other side of me is like, hmm, that's funny because like I control your body and I can make you not physically get up. And I'm like, you're a bitch, and then it knows, doesn't care.
SPEAKER_00:I do have another point of what I was talking about today. Um it kind of talks about okay, I need to turn this down. I can hear every little You're really loud. Yeah, I can hear every little sound that you're making as you're drinking, and it's starting to wear on me. I'm like, oh no, if I like that anymore. Hold on. I can't believe you waited that long.
SPEAKER_02:I cannot stand the sound of somebody saying, It was fun.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, my mental ability to put things aside is fucking astonishing, okay?
SPEAKER_02:Okay, but that's also not always good though, because it builds and it builds. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:That's why I'm the queen of exactly. I never said it's good. We're just definitely definitely different. Where I can like gaslight myself through anxiety and depression doesn't mean it's good. It means that it just is shoved down and will come out later. But maybe maybe I'm getting really good at it. But it's just I'm not saying one is better than the other. It's just like that's where we don't because I just force my fucking self to do shit or to have a good time or to do things.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and so that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_02:Like, I still also suffer.
SPEAKER_00:I love that.
SPEAKER_02:You know what I mean? I still do the fun thing. I just don't necessarily enjoy it to the same level.
SPEAKER_00:I don't suffer with depression the way you do. I suffer with anxiety.
SPEAKER_02:Yes. Your anxiety is definitely worse. I have anxiety moments.
SPEAKER_00:No, my anxiety and panic disorder is outrageous. My that's also a thing. My depression, since I've done ketamine, is just not like that. I just don't. It isn't it's not the same. Yep. Or maybe it's functional depression. I don't know. Anyway, so came across this.
SPEAKER_02:I think your depression is more trauma related.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I don't versus mine is just it just. I haven't experienced a depressive episode. I don't feel like yeah, and grief. Grief is a weird example. Yeah, that's such a it's way different. Yeah. Um, yeah, can okay, so you can hear me better now. I don't hear all the noises going on in the background. So that's good. All right. Trauma survivors develop what scientists call supernatural pattern recognition abilities. Their brains become so hyperturn tuned into danger that they can detect threats others completely miss. Chronic hypervigilance rewires neural pathways to process microexpressions, voice tones, and behavioral patterns with extraordinary accuracy. They can instantly sense when someone is lying, predict relationship outcomes within minutes of meeting people. They detect manipulation tactics before they're even fully executed. Their threat detection system has been neurologically enhanced through pure survival necessity. But this can also come as a devastating cost. Constant mental exhaustion from scanning every environment for danger, complete inability to trust positive situations or genuine kindness. Boom. This is why I I did not I did send it to you, but I don't think you read it.
SPEAKER_03:I did not. But that is actually hard.
SPEAKER_00:I sent it to you and said this is I said don't read it. This is just for a podcast. But is that not like hit so hard?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. The craziest thing about that is like, but you have a blind eye. I think.
SPEAKER_00:Do you remember? I want to hold on. I want to say something. Lemon, Lemon. I detected, I detected before you very beginning. I said this is weird to me for XYZ. But okay. And I called it.
SPEAKER_02:Same me to Johnny Bravo, same you to fat Roger. You know, we can we can recognize it for other people. And but until you're healed, it's hard to recognize it for yourself. But that's how you know you're healing.
SPEAKER_00:I feel like we're healing because we've been doing really good at this. Yeah. Well, we are. I mean, we have been. This is like, I feel like these things that we've yeah, the Johnny Bravo I've come so far. But even now, like my mind plays tricks on me. I'm like, am I over reading this?
SPEAKER_02:Yes. So, right, that's the opposite end of it, right? Because you're like, okay, am I having good boundaries or am I self-sabotaging? Or am I like, is this actually a red flag, or am I overreacting? Because you're like, I don't, but for you, I can every dude my sister's ever dated, other than the person that she ultimately ended up marrying. I have been like, I don't have a good feeling about this person. Like, as soon, especially her daughter's dad, the second I met him, I was like, Oh, yeah, I do not try to get this fucking person.
SPEAKER_00:By the way, yes. Yeah, and that's so funny. People are like, oh, did Luke have the same one? I'm like, no. Motherfucker saw how shitty mine turned out and was like, I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna wait. Which is ironic, as he was the one that picked out the person because they worked together, supposedly. Because this is a small fucking world. Small world. It is because the fact I just got mad at the yeah, the blue won't come out.
SPEAKER_02:But like I knew instantly. I was like, I don't know what it is about this person. I was like, but I already hate this fucking person. Same. You know what I mean? And same thing with like you not liking a fiddle fattle. You're like, this person is not a good person for you. Like, and then you know, it you eventually always learn, right? It always comes out in the end. Sometimes it takes a really fucking long time, sometimes it takes a little bit of time. It depends on on where you're at, you know, to before you can see it yourself. But it all comes out in the wash eventually. And then it's like it's kind of crazy when you go back and be like, dude, it was all there. They saw it, I didn't see shit.
SPEAKER_00:I think I'm really good at actually, I'm very good at the whole scanning and seeking danger. I feel like I knew like Johnny Bravo things were really fucking weird, like when he hinted about like stalking me and how he like. Yeah, that's a red fucking flag. So, like, I vividly remember warning signs going up. I just was like, uh, it's okay. So it's like you also have to listen and be aware of that kind of shit. But I have I can definitely to your gut is a real fucking thing. But you have to actually lose it. And you can't just be like, uh, and shove it away. So it's funny. I remember being like, oh, that's either really creepy or cute.
SPEAKER_02:And nothing about that is cute. No, but the fact that you convince yourself, right.
SPEAKER_00:I was in a different place then.
SPEAKER_02:And that's why I'm saying like the less healed you are, the more you're blind.
SPEAKER_00:Did you watch Love Con? You need to.
SPEAKER_02:You ask me every time, and I always forget about it.
SPEAKER_00:Not every time, because I just watched it. So I think it was just the last time.
SPEAKER_02:Maybe. I don't know. The other one is kept. But if you watch it that and then I bought the book and I still haven't read it, that's fine.
SPEAKER_00:It's a good book. Eventually you'll get to it. I'll get there. Um basically we talked about it, it's in your brain.
SPEAKER_02:Probably.
SPEAKER_00:That's the whole point of it. It's in your brain, and we just need to fix that.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and I I a hundred percent believe your gut are the two most important things to keep it.
SPEAKER_00:Which is why remapping your neural pathways works. Yeah. Um, it works. That's and to not see danger, like that passage I read about the hypervigilance and being super in tuned and always scanning for like danger. Yeah, because you're always being stuck in fight or flight.
SPEAKER_02:100%.
SPEAKER_00:As a victim of anxiety, I guess I could say. You know, you're always constantly on guard. So that's like also why I get over overstimulated and get like stressed out really easily. Yes, or like sensory things like if I'm really stressed and then I'm dealing with like just my normal and then there's a range of anxiety, and then there's things that happen, or there's too much. It's like I can't. I just can't. I really I can't, or yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Sound, like, I don't know why. Sound is a very important thing. I can have background noise, but when it becomes a certain kind of background noise, um, then it's too much. But I have to have bound background noise. I'll be reading a book and I still have to have the TV on. No, I was cooking last night and I had a movie on, and the boys are like, What in the fuck are you watching? I was like, I'm not watching anything. And they're like, But what is this on the TV? I was like, I don't know. I literally picked a random thing just so that there was a lot of.
SPEAKER_00:I like to listen to podcasts while I cook. I listen. I like to learn. I don't listen. I'm gonna listen to podcasts ever.
SPEAKER_02:I struggle but I'm rolling my eyes so hard at you because it's just like it's not just because it's podcasts. I can't listen to audiobooks. I was talking about this with my book club.
SPEAKER_00:Like, well, because you should read a book.
SPEAKER_02:I do prefer a physical book in my hand. I even over like a Kindle. I don't want to read it on my phone. I want a physical book. Um, but like I've tried to do audiobooks and it's like because I have an audio processing disorder where like there's a delay. Like I hear what you say, but it takes me like an extra 30 seconds to actually like hear what you say. And so like I with audiobook, I'm constantly behind in my processing of what's yeah, you just don't so I get lost.
SPEAKER_00:I don't I don't prefer it. I don't I like to listen to podcasts different for me than a book. I think I can just tune out, but yeah.
SPEAKER_02:You do feel like it's different listening to a podcast. 100%. I wonder why that is.
SPEAKER_00:I love podcasts. I don't like I do not enjoy books, audiobooks at all. I don't know why, but I love um podcasts I while I'm getting ready, while I'm cooking, things like that. It's interesting. And then I can I listen and absorb. It's just usually topics that I like to look. But see, I'm like a learner, so I like to learn new things. Like I'm not one that is like story bound, which is why the book club great idea. I love discussing books with people, but no one would want to read the books I read.
SPEAKER_02:So what we do is we alternate who picks, and there's no I just wouldn't read any of the other ones. I'd be like, we'll read my book. It is set up that way though, where you um if you don't want to read a book that month, you don't have to participate. Like, we're not hard asses about it, but I would just feel bad than being like read my book. I feel like reading is good for my brain because it like allows me to like push everything else out and focus on just n nonsense essentially. Um, but it's so hard to find time. So I did the book club so that like it forces it forces me to do something I enjoy.
SPEAKER_00:Would read as I have um the Libby up, so I would just read on my phone versus versus like scrolling or anything.
SPEAKER_02:And then it's a problem because I feel weird buying one book, so I'll buy five books and then I stress myself out because financially I can't afford to buy five books. That's why you just don't buy them because then I find that they just stuff. I know. I have books everywhere. Like, yeah, I have like three weird minimal three bookshelves and my headboard is a bookshelf.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I'm stuff is starting to really overwhelm me. I don't like it. I don't like too much. Yes. So less is more. Yeah. Makes sense.
SPEAKER_02:I also think because you're in like this rebirth cycle currently that like you want to shed. You know what I mean? Like get rid of stuff that like reminds you of your past, or like you're like, I don't need this anymore.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I just feel like I have a lot of stuff and I don't like it. It's just too much. I don't feel like you have a lot of stuff. Oh yes. I have way in your bedroom. I have too many clothes, too many things.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, you do have a lot of clothes. You have like three closets. And there's nothing and they're all full. Yes. And a dresser.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. You do have a lot of clothes. Multiple dressers. You have a lot of clothes. And a shoe closet. There's just a lot. And there's just the kids have a lot of stuff. I just I used to be a purchaser and now I'm not trying not to be a purchaser and just like things that I really enjoy and use and experience is not like over-purchasing.
SPEAKER_02:So that also I think shows that you're healing because you're not have you're not making purchases just for the sake to make a purchase to get that like hit. You know what I mean? Or do you not get that? Because I get that's part of the reason why I like shopping. And I get a double dose because I order everything, so I get it when I buy it, and then I get it when it gets delivered. And then it's gone, and then I'm like, damn it.
SPEAKER_00:No, I think I just liked the experience of going and doing things in shopping, and I still do. I just it's hard for me now. It's because it's like I have so much stuff. I'm like, I don't need anything.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:I don't feel that at all. I do. That's just a thing. My purse, my Louis, my strap, my Louis broke, and I'm like, so now I need a new Louis. That's actually a need now. It broke. It literally snapped yesterday.
SPEAKER_02:I didn't give you any crap about it. When my purse strap broke, I bought a new purse. It was the exact same purse.
SPEAKER_00:I will not get the same one. I do not want a backpack. I want a different one. But yes, that thing lasted a long ass time.
SPEAKER_02:You know, I could probably sew it and then you could continue the look on your face. I could sew it for you.
SPEAKER_00:I feel like I need a new one. Let me have that, okay? I'm like, I feel like just let me have it. I'm over here being like how good I am.
SPEAKER_01:I'm like your face, but you should just let me have it. Why would you even suggest?
SPEAKER_00:I mean, we could. I think I will probably take it.
SPEAKER_01:You know if you ever decide. Yes, I could.
SPEAKER_00:And I think I will take it to like a leather person to like Reese, because it is right at the thing. But I also need a new one. That one is just very old. That was aggressive. I need a new one.
SPEAKER_02:That was like the other side of Heather coming out. Like, God damn it, Bash, let me have this. I've had it for four years. Four years? Five years? I've had it for a long ass time.
SPEAKER_00:Four years? I had it for a long time.
SPEAKER_02:I got the first R2D2 purse the first time me, Jen, and Carrie, Carrie went to Vegas. So that in all, in total, between the two, because this is R2D2.
SPEAKER_00:It is. There's a picture of my MCM bag in yours. I know. Like that's the person.
SPEAKER_02:Do you remember when I thought your bag said mom? Yes, everybody does. I'm like, no.
SPEAKER_00:It's not.
SPEAKER_02:I didn't know what the brand was, and you were so mad at me.
SPEAKER_00:Do I look like I carry a mom bird? No. You're like, it literally says mom.
SPEAKER_01:All over the bag. And you're like, no, it says MCM or whatever the fuck. And I was like, oh, it definitely looks like it's not what I was really confused.
SPEAKER_00:You're like, you don't look like the mom bag type.
SPEAKER_02:No. See, I I'm you can tell that I am not high-end, right? Like you're high-end and I'm the knockoff on the corner because like I had no idea that that was a brand. Like, I would be the person selling it a purse that looked exactly like that that said mom and be like, I fucking killed it.
SPEAKER_01:Like it matches exactly. Like, look what I got, Heather.
SPEAKER_00:Look what I made. You like get me a gift for my birthday and it actually says mom. You're like, look, I knew how much you loved your other one, and I'd be like, bitch, no. But thank you for the sentiment. No, but you did get me a shirt with your picture on it, and I wear it, and it's the best. The kids are like it always throws Kinsley off. She's like, wait, are those all AC?
SPEAKER_02:Well, to be fair, like I changed my look a lot, and so like it doesn't necessarily all look like the same person.
SPEAKER_00:Did I show you the picture that I or the shirt that I made?
SPEAKER_02:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:And it's a good one.
SPEAKER_02:Because remember, I was like, you're showing a lot of skin.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yes.
SPEAKER_02:And you're like, would you expect anything else?
SPEAKER_00:Um, did I tell you you made an air freshener too for his car? Oh, that's fun. And it was, it turned out really good. I bet. I was like, oh. So yeah. All right. We went off topic, but we're probably out of time. We are, but I thought, well, we have a couple minutes. I thought we could do a question.
SPEAKER_02:I love the question. I don't know why. Me too. You know what's so weird is like I don't like talking about myself except when I'm with you. And we just happen to record it so it goes to everybody. But like, if if anybody was just like talking to me regular for the most part, I'm pretty shy. Yeah, this is like don't come across that way on this fucking podcast. We literally talked about our shitting habits.
SPEAKER_00:Uh well, we started off. Like, this is why it's so awesome. Well, you and your butthole pee.
SPEAKER_01:Dude, you're the one who brought that up.
SPEAKER_00:I know. I'm rude. I'm it's not rude. I'm like impressed at your age. That you have an extreme dramatic trauma. Well, do you would you ever get a colossum bag? No. Okay, so see, it's not that bad.
unknown:Nope.
SPEAKER_02:I just invest in Tums. Like, honestly, I should buy stocks.
SPEAKER_00:Stop me from shitting?
SPEAKER_02:Um, and it makes my tummy feel better.
SPEAKER_00:You do have so many Tums and Pepto Bismal in your car. Like, I opened it.
SPEAKER_02:I have some in my car. I have I have it downstairs. I have it in my bathroom.
SPEAKER_00:The way I have coffee cups in my car, you have Tums and like stomach shit in your car. I open it up, I'm like, oh, we got the Pepto, we got the Rolades.
SPEAKER_02:Let's also not forget, like, my body can't tolerate like 50% of food.
SPEAKER_00:And you're like, I'm still going for it because I love tomatoes.
SPEAKER_02:I love food. It's rude tomato. Okay. Listen, when I was a child, I hated tomatoes. I thought they were disgusting and I would cry.
SPEAKER_00:Now you are shitting your brains out for them.
SPEAKER_02:I love tomatoes. And then I found out I was allergic to tomatoes. So I was like, that's a cruel fucking joke that the world played on me. And I will eat the tomatoes in pain and spite. Pain. It does hurt me. I'm not gonna lie. But I eat tomatoes almost every day.
SPEAKER_00:Doing it. Doing the tomatoes.
SPEAKER_02:How do you have a diet and not eat tomatoes?
SPEAKER_00:I love tomatoes.
SPEAKER_02:I know.
SPEAKER_00:Okay. What's the most me moment you've ever seen me have?
SPEAKER_02:The most me moment that you've ever had? Like you being the most you? Yep. Oh god.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_02:When we were driving to the crystal stop or store, and you literally sent me a Snapchat that you were going to the crystal store. And I look over at you and I'm like, bitch, I know I'm going with you. It was to everybody.
SPEAKER_00:I know, but like That was back in my Snapchat days. You just you documented everything.
SPEAKER_02:Everything. And I would be right there. And it didn't matter.
SPEAKER_00:And look at see now you shamed me so much I don't take any pictures or videos anymore.
SPEAKER_02:And now there's hardly any. Now there's nothing proof.
SPEAKER_00:See what happened? See what happened? See what you did?
SPEAKER_01:The only thing that we hang out is this podcast. Yes.
SPEAKER_00:See what you did.
SPEAKER_01:We never take photos together anymore.
SPEAKER_00:No, but to be fair, the way I look right now, no. I have sweats and an oversized t-shirt on. There is nothing underneath. There's my boob. There is my boob. Um and there's no, yeah, I'm not gonna pull my pants down for you, but there's nothing underneath there either. We're just no underwear. I never wear. I know you don't, which is weird to me. Because jeans.
SPEAKER_02:So what? I don't I don't understand how you just saying the word jeans is an argument.
SPEAKER_00:Because I don't wash my jeans every time I wear them, and I just feel like if you're I guess it depends. I just feel like things should not just be out and about in the jeans.
SPEAKER_01:It bothers you that I freaking.
SPEAKER_00:I feel like that would- It does. I feel like that can't be comfortable.
SPEAKER_02:It's more comfortable because I don't have string in my ass.
SPEAKER_00:I feel like once it's in your ass, it's fine.
SPEAKER_02:No, okay, we're very different people. It bothers me all day.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, I don't mind.
SPEAKER_02:All day I'm like, I have to pick my I cannot.
SPEAKER_00:Once it's there, it's there. And I feel like everything is like I don't know. It just makes me think of it.
SPEAKER_02:I can't even wear fucking thongs on my sh on my feet because I can't have that shit in between my toes. It bothers me forever and ever and ever. I can't do it. Maybe it's my autism. I don't know, but I cannot fucking handle it.
SPEAKER_00:It makes me so uncomfortable. I guess I mean I just I'll just I'm fine.
SPEAKER_02:I I need to forgets there.
SPEAKER_00:Yes, it's just comfortable. I can always like if I'm wearing sweats and stuff, oh yeah, like I'll wear nothing. Like that's fine. But like out and about in public, there's just something about like I need my underwear on. And I'll the only time I wear underwear is if I'm wearing a dress that is shorter than my knee. I have particular underwear for what I'm doing. So if I'm going to the gym, there's a certain kind of underwear that I wear with my leggings. If I'm wearing jeans, there's a certain kind of like underwear that I'm wearing right. But it's like then it's like a certain style and feel and fabric.
SPEAKER_02:And then if I'm just like, it's if a metal funniest thing is I have a drawer full of Victoria's Secret underwear still in package.
SPEAKER_00:I know.
SPEAKER_02:I remember when you'd have so many of them.
SPEAKER_00:She would be like, I'm so poor. We'd go to Victoria's Secret, you'd spend the$600, you have A, no boyfriend, B, you don't wear underwear. So I'm real confused. You don't seem like you're poor.
SPEAKER_02:That was okay. First off, how I like lingerie. Facts. Second off.
SPEAKER_00:I know, but you didn't wear them for anyone.
SPEAKER_02:My version. No, I still have lingerie that had tags on it up until the point when motorcycle came and visited me. I took the tag off when I went to visit him. And I was like, you know how long ago I bought these? Years. Years ago.
SPEAKER_00:Years.
SPEAKER_02:I didn't have anybody to wear it from. Um, but and two, my version of porn is not the same as other people's version of.
SPEAKER_00:No, I know, but it was is that not ironic?
SPEAKER_02:It's funny.
SPEAKER_00:Because it's not like you needed them for any particular reason. And it wasn't like you spent$50, you spent$600.
SPEAKER_02:I've never spent$600 at Victoria's Secret. Maybe like$300. Was it me that spent$600? Probably. I've never the only place I've ever spent$600 or more at one store is Costco.
SPEAKER_00:I don't believe that.
SPEAKER_02:No, that's a true story. Is it just me that shops? Okay. I buy cheap. You buy name brand. The fact that I thought your purse said mom on it should tell you that I've never spent$600 at once.
SPEAKER_00:Um, you want to know something really sad? Is my leather jack my All Saints leather jacket, which was like five or six hundred dollars. Jesus Christ. Anyways, my leather jacket was$89. Okay, well, it doesn't fit me anymore because my shoulders are too big.
SPEAKER_02:That's funny. So I'm like, fuck. How do you feel about that? Because you've got to be happy that your shoulders are big. But you got to be able to do that.
SPEAKER_00:And it was like, I'm gonna have this jacket forever. I wore it like a dozen times. It is amazing. It was gonna be like my leather staple piece. Yeah, it probably would, bitch. It probably would. And I look at it and I'm so sad. I'm like, this is the most amazing leather jacket, and it's just like, nope. You chose that bodybuilding life. Choices. Yeah, I also chose to have it more fitted. I could have done oversized. No, no one does that. The leather jacket. I mean, some people do, but it was way cuter. It depends on your aesthetics. It was the choice, it was way cuter. It was like, yeah, no. Is it a crop? No. It's just like, it's not long. It's just like a jack leather jacket. It's like, you know, standard. Not crop. Crop would be here. That'd be weird. That'd be weird. We wear a lot of crop stuff. You've seen this leather jacket.
SPEAKER_02:That does not mean I remember it.
SPEAKER_00:I'll have to show you. Anyways. And on that note. Um, I have to answer a question.
SPEAKER_02:Yes, you do.
SPEAKER_00:I'll do the same one. What's the most you moment that I've ever seen you have? I'm literally gonna just say earlier when we're sitting here and you're arguing with me about I'm trying to solve. You're just, you know, when you're sad. I'm arguing it. When you're sad, you don't want anyone to fix your sad. You just want to be sad.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Well, that's because I don't think anyone can fix my sad. And then I feel guilty because I feel like they feel bad because they couldn't fix my sad. And I'm like, you can't I can't fix it. You can't fix it. Doctors can't fix it.
SPEAKER_00:The most you. Okay, this is the most okay. I'm gonna I'm gonna take it back. I'm gonna take it back. Well, I'm also just gonna bring up another one. The one time that we are podcasting with David and Alexis, and you were, I'm like, grab some more, whatever, at the store. And you were just like done with my fucking shit, because you were coming over and I was already just like lit. And you roll into the bedroom. We're like, have like, and you're just like doing the face that you do with the I suck dick, like a fat bitch tank on. I still have that tank. Yes. And you're just like, the champagne and the orange juice in one hand.
SPEAKER_01:Like I've done all the things, and you're asking me to do more things.
SPEAKER_00:And you just were like, I'm here, what? Like you were just like, and what fucking shit and the fact that there was like people here and it was just like not just gonna be podcasting, you're like, you just knew you didn't tell me. Well, you just knew that you were in for another night of shenanigans because there had been several times of shenanigans, and I never told you what we were doing. You would just show up to randomness and you were like, God damn it, it's gonna be one of those nights.
SPEAKER_02:I never knew what we were doing, I never knew where we were gonna be, I never knew who we were doing. To be fair with, neither did I. But you know what? Neither did I. I in definition a fucking ride or die because I wrote out every fucking scenario you drugged me through.
SPEAKER_00:Which is good because I had no idea where we were going or what we were doing or where we would end up.
SPEAKER_02:I was like, I have to do whatever she wants to do because I have to make sure she doesn't die.
SPEAKER_00:Oh, I'm so you were not making good choices back then, and it was a lot. I'm glad people probably took pity on me. They're like, this poor soul. Let's make sure she does not die.
SPEAKER_02:It's a wild one. That's fair, because I can I don't even remember specifically what you're talking about, but I can still picture it.
SPEAKER_00:You were just like, What the fuck?
SPEAKER_01:Fed us.
SPEAKER_00:You're like, I'm here and we're already lit, and shenanigans have already happened. You knew Alexis and then David.
SPEAKER_02:Anytime you're like, we got an Airbnb. I was like, God damn it.
SPEAKER_00:Like no one's fucking speaking.
SPEAKER_02:I was I the Airbnb time was not my favorite time, I'll tell you that.
SPEAKER_01:It's not my favorite time of our friendship.
SPEAKER_00:We made it through somehow. All right. Well, on that note, we will see you next week. We do have a special guest coming for you next week. Janessa Bell! This was a good one. We did talk about, we do also I do want to hear your SSRI story, if you've used them, if they've worked, if you think they're all placebo. I will keep you updated on this book. It's called Lost Connections. It's really good. The chapter I'm going into now is about grief and how grief is the like exception to things. And I'm so I will have some insight next time. We'll talk about that.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I would be interested because you know, everyone knows that everyone handles grief differently.
SPEAKER_00:And I can say that it is so different and evolves and it's a good thing.
SPEAKER_02:And it depends on what you're grieving, makes your own grief different. Like you don't necessarily grieve the same way for it, you know. It's just weird.
SPEAKER_00:It's weird. That's definitely all right. So send us some more fan mail. We did hear you. I don't remember his name. Was it he or she? Somebody. Somebody, I don't know.
SPEAKER_02:I wanted Janessa back.
SPEAKER_00:Do we even know? Am I just assigning a gender? And I don't even know. Anyways, so we have Janessa coming back. She's gonna read some cards and do all the things she should be here any moment. Um, my watch is not telling me what time it is.
SPEAKER_02:That's I don't know what time it is either.
SPEAKER_00:Weird. Okay, my watch is.
SPEAKER_02:It's 10 15. Yeah, we gotta go.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, she'll be here any minute. All right, till next time. Best days bye.