We Tried A DIY Mental Health Reset And Learned Why Protocols Exist

A catch-up turns confessional as we try to fix frayed nerves with an at-home ketamine session—and get a crash course in why protocols exist. We talk through the exact missteps that derailed it (no blindfolds, worded audio, late-night timing, no anti-nausea plan) and break down the real differences between IV infusions and front-loaded at-home doses. If you’ve ever reached for a mental health reset and made things worse, this is the compassionate post-game you need, complete with the fixes we’ll use next time: morning sessions, lyric-free music, proper fasting, Zofran support, and a fully controlled environment.

Underneath the chaos sits the real reason we reached for a reset: finally opening the long-avoided “mother” file in therapy and feeling the nervous system spike—lost appetite, mental fog, and relentless rumination. We share how pairing ketamine-assisted work with therapy in a tight window can create safe distance from triggers, helping you process without drowning in fight-or-flight. It’s not magic; it’s a method that turns white-knuckle coping into clear-eyed integration.

Then the ground shifts again with an urgent family crisis: a mother hospitalized with hemoglobin at 4.1 and a massive colon tumor discovered and removed with robotic surgery. We walk through the red flags, the surgery, the relief, and the lesson stamped in bold: preventive care matters. Colonoscopies save lives. Symptoms aren’t personality quirks; they’re data. Between hospital corridors and home routines, we also tackle body image during bodybuilding prep, movement as medicine for anger and anxiety, and the small habits—sleep, schedules, honest boundaries—that make big storms survivable.

If you’ve been carrying too much and winging the rest, press play. You’ll find hard-won takeaways on mental health protocols, trauma processing, and the kind of preventive care that changes outcomes. And you’ll hear a lot of laughing, because joy is still our favorite coping tool. If this resonated, share it with a friend, subscribe for new episodes, and leave a quick review to help more listeners find us.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Hello everyone and welcome back.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Welcome. We are not the same.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

Although these days we really are.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

I don't feel like we have to give that stipulation every time. I think they're learning.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

Because I always have this like, do we rebrand? No, because we already did that one time and screwed ourselves over. We're not doing this.

SPEAKER_01 0:55

I wasn't a part of that.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

That was when we're right, you weren't a part of it. Because I said no matter what, we were gonna stick this together, and then it was me for a while, and now it's us again.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

I think that at our core, we're still very different. We are very different. We're actually in in our uh old age. We have learned that we have more similarities than we used to. We're still inherently different people, and that's okay. I kind of love that about us, actually, though. I think it's really yeah, that's better. Whatever you just did is way better.

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Um, the other two holes I turned them off. What's the fourth hole? Did we ever decide what the fourth hole was? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 1:39

I who are you look who you're asking? You think I'm gonna remember that? The fact that I remember that there's a fourth hole is pretty damn impressive.

SPEAKER_00 1:45

Because it was funny. Because it was funny, because our other podcasting unit went to the streets. She was abducted. Literally. She was abducted, she was trafficked, and we rescued her. Actually, she was returned to us.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

Tatted, and her hole. Is it the fourth or the third hole? One of them was not working. One of her holes was not only three of the four currently work. So we are on her sister unit, the untainted version. We should name it. All of her holes are good.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Good Christ. Why do people listen to us?

SPEAKER_00 2:20

I'm just I don't know. But yes, more and more do every day. And I love you. I love you. Everybody, send us a little text. There's a button right there. So send us a message. Yes, it goes to Heather. And then I share them. It could go to Lacey, but I that's my wheelhouse.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

Yeah, you're better at this stuff. I like it. I show up, I do the thing, and then I go.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

That's a mess. You do more.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

I try.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

Yes. Sometimes.

Planning A Catch-Up And Why Life’s Wild

SPEAKER_01 2:47

Um anyway. So uh we thought that we were gonna do a catch-up episode for you guys because uh life's been a little cray, great.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

We should first talk about like how we tried to fix the cray cray, and then we'll talk why it was crazy because I think that's a funnier story to lead in with.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

Sure. Yeah, because it gets a little serious.

At-Home Ketamine Goes Off The Rails

SPEAKER_00 3:08

So everybody knows that we laugh first. Yes, because we're it's funny. Okay, so we decide that you know, we've both done our ketamine infusion therapies, and then I have at-home ketamine treatments. Treatments, and we're like, oh, why not just do it together? Yes, two birds, one stone.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

And let me let me make sure I remind you guys like this is a prescribed thing, like we're not just like out there doing crazy shit. No, it's anymore to us anymore.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

It's prescribed to us, and we have dosage instructions, and we've done this before, and it's always been successful. We fucked up, but you know, sometimes you get real confident in yourself and you're just like or forgetful. It's been a long time since we've done this. Yes, it has. And so we're like, we just need to get the medication in our system because my PTSD specialist even told me she said sometimes, like, even if you can only like take a half a dose or one third of a dose, sometimes people use them like sublingually as a anti-anxiety. Yes, a microdose as anti-anxiety. So, but just getting the medicine on board will help re-fire the neural pathways and reactivate like a booster would and kind of like make you feel better.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Also, it's actually highly recommended that you go in for a booster. Um so it's never it's never like you go and you do your initial treatment and you're all better and you move a little bit more.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

I tell you, my brain was definitely swept clean, but the ro the the route in which it got there.

SPEAKER_01 4:40

You guys, we fucked up. Listen, one thing that is super important if you're going to do Academy Journey, which I mean most people do it in an office setting and they set you up. And they do it that way.

SPEAKER_00 4:54

You should probably should have headphones and a blindfold.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

You need to do, you need to set yourself up the same. Which we've always done. The same way that you would if you were in that facility, right? They give you a very comfy chair, you have a blanket, you have pillows, like you are literally, it's like you're sitting in a cloud the way that you get yourself set up. Like you said, you have you have music and headphones so that only you can hear it. With outwards. Without words is so important. They literally tell you one of the most important things. Oh, bitch! Wasn't that true?

SPEAKER_00 5:27

Okay, but this time.

SPEAKER_01 5:28

You did not bring this up this time. No, this time we just thought that it was We just thought we were gonna hang out while we casually had a journey because we were not thinking things through, which is why we needed the journey, right? We were both going through some shit.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

We were like, Because you have to fast meet, and so it was like, are we doing this? And I was just about to take a bite, and then I'm like, if we're if we're not gonna we be can't.

SPEAKER_01 5:53

Which is so funny, because like literally we were both I had a Pop-Tart, a protein Pop Tart. It could have gone in my hand. I had just pulled from the damn toaster when you called me, and I was all like, I need you to tell me right now if we're doing this because I am staring down this Pop Tart because I have not eaten in hours. And I said, Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

So I had to set down the pop tart. Let's just do it then.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Yeah. And for some reason, we're like, we kinda, we kind of for a minute were like, okay, let's get in the recliners, and we got blankets, and then we just like stopped remembering all of the other things. And we randomly thought that we were going to watch a documentary while we were doing this.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

And we were like searching while the medication was in our mouth. We were like, let's this looks interesting, watching stuff. Mistake number two things go downhill real fast.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

But never clicked. We're like, at no point we were we I can't even talk now because I feel so stupid. At no point were we like, oh yeah, you're not supposed to have words. I think it was like literally like 35 seconds before we were.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

For some reason, I thought we didn't, I don't know if we thought that it wasn't gonna like actually affect us for some reason. Because I think that was way stronger than any other time we've done it.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

Dude. But I think part of why it seemed so much stronger was because we didn't do it right. We were literally like actively doing things. I kept opening my eyes and around. You're not supposed to.

SPEAKER_00 7:21

Well, yeah, but like also versus the tr the infusion, like when you do an at-home journey, it's much different because you can move around, you can talk, you're not incapacitated the way you are when you're doing it.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

Well, and it's also like it's like a front load, right? You're taking a lot-ish and and then it gradually and at home, because you're taking all of it at once versus an IV where it's monitored.

SPEAKER_00 7:48

You yeah, because IV is monitored and it's titrated over a certain amount of time. Correct. Over that 40 minutes. But this at home, you actually you never know because it's your digestion system, too. And that's why you have to hold it in your mouth for so long because 5% of the breakdown happens in your mouth.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

Because the saliva is breaking it down.

SPEAKER_00 8:08

And then, yeah, so that's like mainly how you're getting it through.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

And let me tell you guys, it tastes fucking Tangerine. No, it does not. Don't you can't. I don't care what the fuck they market that as. It is awful. I can't, I can't even think of something to like relate it to to be like, it kind of tastes like this. It tastes like nothing I've ever fucking tasted before, and it's awful. And you have to hold it in your mouth for like 10 minutes, and you can't.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

Actually, you're supposed to like wait until it's all the way. You would like look at me and I laughed one time, some squirt out of my mouth. It was like a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

It tasted so bad, my lips were literally shaking. They were pulsating because of the fight that I was having with myself about. You weren't fighting for your life. I was because I it was awful. It was awful. So yeah, we walked out.

SPEAKER_00 9:01

Number two. I'm like, how many do you want? Three, five. Five. They are prescribed up to that mouth.

SPEAKER_01 9:11

Okay, again, we really need it to be on record that this is this is sanctioned and legal and prescribed by medical professionals. We have a lot of this up this time. It was our fault.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

And it was fine.

SPEAKER_01 9:26

It just was not as in It just didn't work the way that it normally works because we didn't do the things that you're supposed to do. We were like, 'cause it was not enjoyable.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

It was not like a relaxing correct. You know what? The state of mind that I was in, I doubt that anything would have been relaxing.

Nausea, Flying Sensations, And Missteps

SPEAKER_01 9:43

Thank you. I agree with that. I don't think I've ever been that sort of we both were in a state of very high anxiety going in. If anything, we probably should have like taken like a low dose Danix first to like bring us down a little bit because like we were super on edge. Also, another difference between doing it at home versus doing it in like a facility is they give you Zofran, which helps.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

Oh, I've never needed it.

SPEAKER_01 10:09

I've always gotten it just because. And now I'm like, yeah, now I'm so glad I got it because.

SPEAKER_00 10:15

I've never experienced at home, but yeah, there's times where in the infusions I feel like I'm flying so incredibly fast. So fast. Like it's so fast. And like we, like, I feel like I'm going like you have no idea. Like I guess like you're being slingshotted like out into the universe, going like really incredibly fast.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

And you can feel it. It's almost like you can feel the wind. But you're not fucking moving, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:42

No, there okay. Before you ever had infusions and you took me, yeah, um, you would look at me so crazy when I was like, but I'd be like, after I'd come out of it, I'm like, did I get out of the chair? You're like, but no, no, he didn't move. And I'm like, I was out of the chair. I was not in that chair. Because you do in the infusions, you dissolve and go. This one was going there, but then I had to look after you because you were gonna puke.

SPEAKER_01 11:05

Because this is what happened, you guys. I did not have Zofra.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

You were like, How are you moving? I'm like, I got you.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

Normally, in my journey, I I like I fly, I always fly every time. I fly over a wall into what I call my inner brain. I this these are not actual terms. This is just me. But I've always gone into it by flying over a wall into my inner brain. I couldn't get over the wall, and I started to panic because the feeling of flying normally ends for me once I'm in the inner brain, and then I do my exploring and my fixing of the dark worlds into the light world, and like yours is so much different than that.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

So different from yours.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

I'm aware because I remember the last time we did this, right before we went under, I looked at you and I was like, Oh, is yours black too? And you're like, what? No, and then boom, we were both under. But like, yeah, so that I panicked. I panicked because the flying sensation wouldn't stop, and I couldn't get over the wall to get into the inner brain to do the work. So then I was like, and then I got really crazy because the flying couldn't stop. And I'm like, I'm gonna vomit. I'm definitely gonna vomit. And you're like, You're what? And I'm like, I'm gonna vomit. And you're like, Do you need a bowl? I was like, Yes. And listen, you're you should not get up. You're not supposed to get up. And Heather, God lover, you got up, you walked to the kitchen, you found a bowl, you came back, you gave me the bowl. I definitely threw up.

SPEAKER_00 12:32

I was like, I kept asking you, did you really throw up?

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Yeah, straight up liquid because I hadn't eaten. No, yeah, it was I it was it was different and did not serve the purpose. Did not serve the purpose that I wanted it. I don't feel better. We're gonna have to do it again because things are still rough. I'm having a moment, I'm struggling bad. It's fine. This is fine.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

That's fine, it's all fine.

Therapy Walls, Mom Trauma, And Anxiety

SPEAKER_01 13:04

That's fine. Okay, so the reason why we're both, you know, in a moment, very different reasons, but ironically, both related to our moms. Because somehow, and we've talked about this before, we we always kind of end up like in a similar place at the same time. It's weird how that always works out. What was that?

SPEAKER_00 13:28

Just that, like, do you see that pile of socks right there? Yeah. Lily and so Lily was like, I'm gonna that's Lily's idea of putting things away. Got it. Are they clean something? Yes, and I just now saw it. But you know the weird part? If you open up that drawer right there, that's it. That's where the socks go? Yeah. Aren't kids fun? It took just as much effort to put them right there as it would have to put them in.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

She's basically a dude. Anyways. Anyways, we have the children. So okay, so mine. For the I mean, people She's dead.

unknown 14:09

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 14:10

Well, no, there's a lot of there's a lot of casualties on this podcast, so I'm just getting to the point. There has been a lot if we go back. Okay. So funny. There's been a lot.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

I had tears in my eyes. That was so funny. Okay. Anyway, anyone who knows me knows that I have issues with my mother. No, it's no fucking. That's where I was going. It's no secret. It's never been a secret. I'm very vocal about it. I crack jokes constantly about it. Um, but I've never actually like dealt with it. And I've been going to therapy off and on since I could afford it myself, because that's the only way I was ever gonna get therapy. And I've never once talked about my mom in therapy. Like, not more than my dark humor jokes that other people don't enjoy as much as I do. I make people uncomfortable, but they're fucking funny.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

Yeah, that's how you know you've met your people when they can laugh at the dark humor.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

When they laugh at the job, yes. 100%. But so I decided I I don't know why, because apparently I fucking hate myself. I decided a couple weeks ago that now that I'm back in therapy after that whole fiasco with my insurance, we finally got that resolved. That took months. Shout out to Jess because Jess is the only reason I was able to get my fucking insurance figured out because she gave me a person who actually fixed it. Um, so I was like, okay, if I'm gonna do this, I gotta do it, right? I need to get over my shit and move past it. So I decided I'm gonna talk about my mom in therapy. And the second I made that decision, my anxiety went through the fucking roof. I've barely been able to eat, like, I feel sick to my stomach constantly, which is awful because it's just the thought of doing it literally physically is making me sick. And then I was like, okay, once I do it though, right? Like once you do it, you're supposed to feel better. Fucking bullshit, let me tell you. Yeah. I don't feel better. So I did. I spent an entire session talking about my mom and trying to do like a timeline.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

That's why next time you do it, we actually need to line up. This is how I would do my therapy sessions with Allison is I would do um, well, they do she does the assisted with you ketamine, so then she asks you questions as you're coming out of it. But I would then piggyback my boosters one day and then the next day we would have our. They recommend that actually. Yes, because it what it does is it's like the cloudy window between you and your trauma. So instead of you guys being like you and like being in it.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Yes, yeah, you're seeing it from the outside.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

Yes, and it's not like you, it's your brain sees it through a new neural pathway, and it's not triggering or traumatizing, so you can process without getting in a fight or flight state. Yeah. So Yeah, that would have been way smarter than what the fuck I did.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

I just don't fucking need to.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

We were like, we're on a we're it's a dumpster fire that we just threw gasoline. No, we didn't throw gasoline on it. We like stomped it out. We just like suffocated. I don't fucking know. I don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_01 17:09

What the fuck we did, because it's still burning, bitch. It's still there, it's still there. Yeah, but I mean, I I was proud of myself in the sense that I did it. Like I it it took a lot out of me just to be able to like say the things out loud, which is stupid because it's like it's already happened, it's in the past, it's whatever. But my body Because you buried that shit down deep, deep. We only got to high school, like I could literally and I skipped so much, right? I was trying to only focus on like things that like to me were really impactful moments that changed our relationship in some like way, you know what I mean? So afterwards, I just I was so discombobulated for like days. I couldn't, I was trying to cook and I was like, I can't even like I I made chili and it turned out fucking gross, which is crazy because it's chili and chili's so easy. And you're such a I love cooking, too. I don't fucking know I must have mixed something up. I kept tasting it and changing it, and like my brain could not couldn't just couldn't piece together. I didn't know what was missing or what I'd use too much of, and normal I'm really good. Like, I know like what cancels other things out. So, like if it's too salty, then you're gonna add acid. Like, I know you know what I mean. If it's too spicy, then you add dairy. Like, I couldn't fucking figure it out. And even the kids, like, God help them, they were so nice. Like, they ate it, and then they're like, Are you okay? Cause even they're like, You don't cook like this, like what is happening in just days. Like, I couldn't, I couldn't think, I was doing the wrong things. I like more than normal, which is crazy because I the ADHD and all that stuff, life's already difficult. So add that in, and so yeah, we're you were like, you just need a journey, and then it'll help you and it'll reset and you'll feel so great. And I was like, you are so right, and now here we are, days later. It's still fucking better. Because we didn't like plan, we didn't do it right, and I still I can't eat, like, and it's like it sucks that something that I have felt so far removed from still has that much of an impact on me, and it's like it's always there, right? It's like having a leaky faucet where it's just like a drip every once in a while. Just drip drip drip.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

We are using that analogy because I'm gonna use one like that pretty soon.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

That's so funny. In a different way.

SPEAKER_00 19:30

You already know where I'm going with this one.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

Today, I turn the faucet on and I immediately turn it off, but now the drip is constant. Instead of being like, oh, drip, funny joke, drip, funny joke, drip, funny joke. Now all I can think about is all the things I didn't say, all reanalyzing the things I didn't say.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

Wait to your mom?

SPEAKER_01 19:49

No, to my therapist.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Oh, okay. About my mom. Well, you'll see her again.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

Because I have this issue where like I'm so scared of talking shit about her, even though I hate her. And it's a whole thing. Your mom? Yeah. She's dead. I know. I still have like this innate fear in my stomach that she can hear me and she is going to hold it against me at some point somehow.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

She would have already done that if she was going to.

SPEAKER_01 20:12

This is why I'm in therapy. I know. Hopefully, I don't have to go up to once a week after this. I'm only going once every two weeks because finances. But yeah, no, it rocked me. It rocked me. And then we tried to fix it and we fucked that up.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

So now I just Well, we can fix it again. Now we know where we fucked up, right?

SPEAKER_01 20:35

We do.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

We know exactly all of the ways that we do never deviate from your instructions.

SPEAKER_01 20:40

Correct. They give them to you for a reason.

Pairing Ketamine With Therapy The Right Way

SPEAKER_00 20:43

Like, don't start until you're ready to have no interruptions.

SPEAKER_01 20:47

Also, I don't think that we should have started as late as we did. I think this I think that it should be a morning activity, not an evening activity. Because then I couldn't sleep. You couldn't sleep. It was just a thing.

SPEAKER_00 21:00

After any ketamine, though, I never really sleep that well that night. I just think it's like because it's your brain is like awake, like remapping and like doing all the stuff. So like your neurons are like firing. So I don't think you can actually like get asleep. Because my whoop will never register that I like get into a certain amount of sleep, even though I feel like I'm refreshed or yawning. I'm really tired. And you just caught it. What is up? Okay. So then, yeah, that was that's yours. Is it my turn? Yeah. Amigo. Your mom. All right. Well, I'm just gonna preface this with like if you have a pain, go to the doctor.

SPEAKER_01 21:36

Also, this is why we didn't have an episode.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

Yes, I could not.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Um we had things that were more important.

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Yes, my mom went into the hospital.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

Um only after being literally forced.

Mom’s Health Scare And Colon Cancer Surgery

SPEAKER_00 21:53

Yes, um, so went to urgent care for not feeling good, went to the hospital. Her hemoglobin levels were 4.1. And it's supposed to be 15. 15. They start doing infusions at 7, so she got some blood transfusions. They literally were like, How did you walk in here? Okay, so I will get to the reason why she's so well, first of all, she's really strong and all that stuff. But like, um, yeah, we'll go into how that was, but yeah, the reasoning behind that. Um, but she got kind of like a CAT scan, and there was something bleeding that they didn't know what it was, and turns out we'll just get straight to it. There was a massive tumor inside of her. And when we say massive, like 30 centimeters by 17. In her colon. Yes, so she's colon cancer. Removed the tumor that had the reason she was in so much pain is because it had perforated her abdominal wall and caused an abscess, which her body walled off, thankfully. And so she's like just living life, like not living life. She was not feeling well. Um really, I feel like she hasn't been feeling really well since months. Yes, but it was like really bad. So like she could have died at any moment. Um, had blood transfusions, ended up having the surgery. She she's been in the hospital for a minute. She's home now. She is home now. She was in the hospital for a minute. Um and she looks great. She looks so much better. Yeah. So much better. Yes. Um had surgery by the Da Vinci robot, actually. It's this crazy robot that did the surgery and then removed the tumor and some of her colon and some of her small intestines, and she's doing so well.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 23:31

So we're waiting for it.

SPEAKER_01 23:32

And nothing spread. There's no at this point.

SPEAKER_00 23:36

There's we're still in the early there's we have no pathology back yet. So we have the the tumor's out. The important thing. Yes. And she's stable and healing. Yes. Yep. But like, we'll figure out what it is and then go from there.

SPEAKER_01 23:51

Yeah. So her surgery was on Tuesday. Tuesday.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

And it was like eight hours.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

They said it was gonna be like three and a half, but they had no idea it was A so big. Yep. And B had actually like caused that abscess, so they had to be very careful.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

Because they had to clean it very, very well because of the they had to go around, so that's why you can't they went around it.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

The crazy they had to take out part of her abdomen, right?

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Well, the hell they so the tissue. So it's like this, the tissue. Like if you would have like um, it would be the equivalent of like a masectomy where you take that tissue out, it was like that around her abdomen. So there is How's her pain level? She's okay. Well, for someone who was living with all that for who knows how long and in severe pain, she's like fine. She's like, Well, let's okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

So like I'm like, do you not have pain receptors, Mom? You didn't even say. They estimate that she had internal bleeding for a whole year.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

Oh, yes, because okay, which is crazy. Yes, so because her levels were at a four and she was like still functioning, it was like her body had just adapted over time. Got me. Which is standard with colon cancer because uh, well, the tumor, luckily, was like bleeding. Okay, so the tumor also was bleeding.

SPEAKER_01 25:03

Isn't that a weird sentence to say? Luckily, the tumor was bleeding.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

Inside her colon. So it wasn't like an internal bleeding, but yes, so the colon or the tumor was basically just a steady the faucet, a steady little trickle of blood nonstop for the last how long? And so her iron was really low, but she hadn't been eating because then the tumor had also closed off her colon, so she wasn't feeling and then the abscess and everything. So anyways, that's all gone.

SPEAKER_01 25:29

That's so much to go through, though. And I mean, it went she went in on Friday.

SPEAKER_00 25:34

Yes, had the surgery on the drive.

SPEAKER_01 25:35

Had the surgery on Tuesday, came home.

SPEAKER_00 25:37

She's just flying through, she was like up walking, doing everything. Like, not everything's been going so smoothly. And actually, the initial biopsy came back clear, but that's only because, like, I mean, the surgeon was like probably, you know, it was just the valley during the colonoscopy, they couldn't really get to it, but now they dissected the tumor and sent that off. So, well, no. Crazy. I mean, like, it could be nothing, right? I guess that could be a chance, but no matter what it is, like she's better than she was, and better than go get your colonoscopies.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Yeah, okay. So that's a thing too. Because if we're looking that age, she's 71 and she had never had a colonoscopy. And you are supposed to, I believe it's at 50. 40. Is it?

SPEAKER_00 26:23

40.

SPEAKER_01 26:23

Are you sure?

SPEAKER_00 26:24

Well, our family has predisposition.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

Yeah, for you it might be. I swear it's 40. Should okay. Why I put win should, and the first thing that came up said I take a pregnancy test? No. Nope.

SPEAKER_00 26:37

Lacey? Nope. Lacey. Nope. What have you been doing while I know what you've been doing?

SPEAKER_01 26:42

Stop. That was one time.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

It only takes one time.

SPEAKER_01 26:48

I know, and it was like a test that I failed, right? Because I went and What? No, not the point. Oh my god. I'm like, and you're outing this right now? No, uh, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I mean the fact that I I was an idiot and I was like, I can totally hang out and it like not be everything it's been. Yeah, I'm just an idiot. The universe is all like.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

So you did have sex, so you could need a pregnancy test, is what you're saying. Nope. I'm the only one here that can't actually get pregnant.

SPEAKER_01 27:21

Listen, I take my birth control continuously. I don't have periods. Sometimes it doesn't work. You can't get pregnant without periods. Your body has to release eggs, and my body doesn't release eggs much.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

You could actually like ovulate and then are you trying to make it so that I never have sex again?

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Like you're mean as fuck right now.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

Let's just go, you can get sterilized. I did. It was fun.

SPEAKER_01 27:41

No, I tried, remember? They wouldn't let me. Oh well, you can do it now. Probably now I could, but then who can afford that? I fucking can't. I even offered, I was like, hey, when I was uh giving birth to Ashen, I was like, you guys could just like slip, you know? Just like just get just get it. Yeah, I don't want like I'll find a uh release a liability and everything. I was like, just because they told me they're like, we can't do anything unless it's a medical emergency. So I was like, so make a medical emergency. I have a question. Yes. You're raising your hand.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

Yes, Heather. Um you have a question? What if California was like, let's get together and I want a kid? He doesn't want a kid, that's part of his appeal. Okay, well.

Blood Loss, Tumor Details, And Recovery

SPEAKER_01 28:26

That's literally part of the appeal. And listen, shop is fucking closed, thin closed. I that was my only hypothetical. Okay, but remember back to Hawaii? That was our big issue was that he wanted kids and I didn't. And I told him on our second date that I didn't want kids. And if this is a deal breaker for you, then nice to meet you. Good luck in the future. And then he decided, no, it's fine, and then he decided no, it's not fine. And I was like, Well, I'm not changing my fucking mind. So this is a you issue. Like, you can either accept that I'm not gonna give you a child or you can't. That's on you. But shop is fucking closed, like there's cobwebs in the shop. Not that doesn't sound great. Great. I hope it does not appeal to you if you want children. I will do whatever, I will describe it however I need to to make you no longer attracted to me as a mother figure. I'm not having your kid.

unknown 29:20

I'm fucking.

SPEAKER_00 29:21

No, but like also like it has cobwebs. That doesn't sound very great.

SPEAKER_01 29:25

Great. I don't want it to sound great to any man who wants a child. I want it to sound inhabitable.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

I think we're at the age where it's just assumed that you're not having children anymore.

SPEAKER_01 29:35

I hope so. What is that age?

SPEAKER_00 29:37

I don't know. Isn't geriatric pregnancies anything after 35? Yes. Which is offensive.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

We're not that old, damn it. 35 is not old to call someone geriatric. It's just mean. I was 33 when I had kins. Were you really? Like I know how old she is, but I guess I don't ever look at it that way.

SPEAKER_00 29:59

I'm 39. Was I 32? Must have been 32, 33. You would have been 30. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:09

32. 21 with Braden. You're gonna be 40 fucking soon. So are you. You're before me, baby.

SPEAKER_00 30:17

Yes, April 6th. And I'm competing in the 40 Masters category, which is Masters Olympia qualification. Oh yeah, I'm like three weeks into prep. So 10 pounds down, cruising right along.

SPEAKER_01 30:32

We had an argument before we got on here today about how did I laugh that out?

SPEAKER_00 30:37

I'm like, we didn't argue.

SPEAKER_01 30:38

It wasn't an argument, but it was it was me yelling at you about how you need to learn to like be realistic with yourself when you're off prep versus in prep. Because a lot of people are so unattractive. It's like I am so fat. And I'm like, bitch. Like, listen, okay.

SPEAKER_00 30:58

I really enjoyed the off season.

SPEAKER_01 30:59

I am really gonna throw punch you. Because don't worry, I'm back to the cardboard that you've got the minimalist change between when you're in prep and off-prep. Like, I see it. I know that there's a difference.

SPEAKER_00 31:12

I don't want you to think that there isn't because that's gonna No, there is because that one time that I was changing in front of you, you're like, wow.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

You just did tiny little change, and you are like, I'm an ogre. It drives me fucking crazy because I'm over here looking like a busted can of biscuits. And you're like babe, we don't have to lie to each other. I don't lie to you.

SPEAKER_00 31:37

No, you I don't lie to you either.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

You just did.

SPEAKER_00 31:40

No, you do not look a can of biscuits. Literally.

SPEAKER_01 31:43

Okay, well, when you do it.

SPEAKER_00 31:44

You can count them. When you like when you grab things.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

I don't have to grab it. You can see it. It looks like overproof dough, this sourdough. I need to get you some bread. Yeah, you owe me bread.

unknown 31:55

I know.

SPEAKER_01 31:56

Like how I brought that up specifically to call you out on the fact that you're bread. I was just thinking about that.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

I'm like, I haven't made bread in a minute.

SPEAKER_01 32:01

I know. I was so scared. I was like, fuck, she's gonna be in prep, and I'm never gonna get bread again.

SPEAKER_00 32:07

No, I'll make some. I have the urge to make some.

SPEAKER_01 32:10

I actually have not been having like any cravings or anything, so that's because your body's really good at being adjusted to eating the most disgusting things possible for substance and not for flavor.

SPEAKER_00 32:20

I was actually really concerned. I'm like, I really enjoy eating. I'm like, how am I gonna go back on prep? And then it just like switches.

SPEAKER_01 32:27

Because you're used to it. Yeah. Like you're literally. It's actually easier for me. You have more self-discipline than any person I've ever met.

SPEAKER_00 32:36

I like to torture myself.

SPEAKER_01 32:38

I like to a little bit of a masochist, but I know I'm like it means you're a bodybuilder. I don't think you could be a bodybuilder and not be a masochist because you literally have to push yourself, not just from the food aspect, but you're pushing your body past the point of pain and you fucking enjoy it. I do.

SPEAKER_00 32:56

It's I lifted like back, was it yeah, Saturday? Yesterday for the first time in three years.

SPEAKER_01 33:04

And I was like, You know what's worse is you said yesterday, and I my brain was like, yesterday wasn't Saturday. It fucking was.

SPEAKER_00 33:12

It was, it was, it was. Um, yeah, and I feel I woke up this morning, I'm like, ow, but yes, and it feels so good. See, I also woke up this morning and it didn't feel that way anymore, but I didn't work out. Your legs don't feel pain from working out, like they don't get sore the way like my back did or like my shoulders will if I move them because like they're huge.

SPEAKER_01 33:34

And I mean that in a great way.

SPEAKER_00 33:35

No, literally.

SPEAKER_01 33:37

I remember looking back at old photos of you where your legs were the size of my arms currently.

SPEAKER_00 33:41

Oh my gosh, I've seen those and I had like and I had no ass. No, you did not.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

I was like concave, and I it was not concave, but it was definitely a pancake.

SPEAKER_00 33:50

There was nothing there. It was very flat, very flat, and my legs were very tubular.

SPEAKER_01 33:58

Yes, thin.

SPEAKER_00 33:59

One straws. Yes, all the way down.

SPEAKER_01 34:01

Straws and a pancake.

SPEAKER_00 34:04

Straws and a pancake. Straws and a pancake. Straws and a pancake. Was that stimming? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 34:11

Sorry, yes. That one is definitely. I caught it. But you know what? It was a rip-off of. It was a rip-off of uh gold member, Austin Powers, where he's like, a bung and a pits. Same energy.

SPEAKER_00 34:26

Same. Just straws and a pancake.

Colonoscopies, Age, And Preventive Care

SPEAKER_01 34:28

Straws and a pancake. A bung and a bit. Sorry. Moving on.

SPEAKER_00 34:35

I'm like, now I'm just imagining my tubular legs with some pancakes attached, and that's exactly where we're at. Tubular. Tubular. Tubular. Tubular tub people.

SPEAKER_01 34:46

It's so interesting because I've seen you literally all shapes and sizes about it. Because, yeah, like you went from like the skinniest person ever to being pregnant to being hella skinny again to then now being a fucking buff as fuck. Like, men are scared of you and they should be. You know what I mean? Like, I'm never worried when we're out in public because it's like having my own personal bodyguard. Like, if anybody tried to fuck with me, you would be like, nope.

SPEAKER_00 35:16

Especially because you know I have anger issues.

SPEAKER_01 35:18

I know. But one time it would really benefit.

SPEAKER_00 35:22

Like, I only have anger issues when it comes to like like Lacey would just have to say this person did XYZ to me, and I would like if you hurt somebody I love.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

I know. In the past I've had to talk you down. So it would be, it would literally, I wouldn't even have to be like, I would just have to give you permission. It's what it would be.

SPEAKER_00 35:40

Although I've never hit anyone. Though you've tried with a beer bottle. Just that one. No, the beer bottle exploded. Apparently. I was not aware of what was happening. You've never hit anybody? Ever. I've never gotten in a fight, no. What? Never. That is so surprising. I don't know. There was that one mom at jams that like tapped me on the shoulder and was like, you want to go outside? I'm like, me? Sure. Like, I've never done this before. Are we going? Like, my kid's about to go. Can we wait? I gotta go. I need to go tunnel for that. I don't know where she went. It was fine. It was funny. I'm like, me.

SPEAKER_01 36:14

I haven't been in a high.

SPEAKER_00 36:16

I was so taken aback. No, I've never.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

Never sound crazy to me. I haven't been in a fight since high school. I've never been in a fight.

SPEAKER_00 36:24

Because I'm actually really nice. I know. I'm not I'm like the nice scary one. This is why everyone assumes that you were the one that broke the beer bottle. I know. Which see I don't have anger issues anymore. I got him out with a beer bottle. I know.

SPEAKER_01 36:38

That's a lie. I I love you. I actually think that is a lie.

SPEAKER_00 36:44

You just have to bring them out. There's just certain hot buttons. Everybody has hot buttons. For sure. I'm really protective over the people I love.

SPEAKER_01 36:53

Well, and it it's fine to have anger as long as you don't like go about it the wrong way. Right. You use it for your workouts. Yes. Like there's no better motive than you're doing.

Dating Detours, Boundaries, And Humor

SPEAKER_00 37:04

Okay, let's put it this way. If I did not lift, I may have actual anger issues. I think since becoming a bot, like lifting and using that as an outlet or group fitness, any sort of like since I've had like the energy dump of exercise and that outlet to work through things, which again, if you read the book, The Body Keeps a Score, you would see how your anxiety can move through you when you move.

SPEAKER_01 37:29

And since I found that as a key, my anger issues have like most of my anger issues went away when I quit drinking because I didn't realize. I know it's funny that that was a shocking revelation to me. Never once did I coordinate those two things. I'm not always on edge like I used to be. Like, and then the ketamine helped tremendously also because it's like shaking off layers of shit. It does.

SPEAKER_00 37:58

It's like the proverbial backpack of like stuff that weighs you down.

SPEAKER_01 38:02

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

SPEAKER_00 38:03

Okay. Oh god, I know why you're laughing. I know where you're going on. I know.

SPEAKER_01 38:09

Sorry, insight thing. Sorry. And no, we will not elaborate.

SPEAKER_00 38:18

I can't.

SPEAKER_01 38:19

We share a lot. Listen, we share a lot, but there are some things that it's just better than it's just us.

SPEAKER_00 38:28

Words can never just be words anymore.

SPEAKER_01 38:31

No, they can't.

SPEAKER_00 38:35

Now we're cryptic and talking in tongues.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

Oh my god, completely unrelated, but like Cold De Sac. I saw a photo of the aggressive lesbian the other day. Oh my god, what? Yeah, I didn't realize we were still friends on Facebook. And it made me think of you.

SPEAKER_00 38:52

No. No. No. No. Save me. That's so bad.

SPEAKER_01 39:00

Yeah. It was a it was like, ah! What are you doing on my news feed? She's aggressive.

SPEAKER_00 39:07

Aggressive.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

See, it kind of it related. That's an aggressive person.

SPEAKER_00 39:11

Oh God. I'm like traumatized by that person.

SPEAKER_01 39:18

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 39:18

I'm not like a person that like probably thought that she was gonna like, she thought she was gonna like change me. And I'm like, I would throw people in front of myself to run away.

SPEAKER_01 39:28

The way that she would like talk to me, like she was what was the right answer for you. You're like, I'm like, it what what is happening right now? Like, because you seem really confused about what is going on. I was like, you do know you're not dating her, right?

SPEAKER_00 39:45

You also you know she's not a lesbian right in any sort.

SPEAKER_01 39:48

Like, I've known her for a very long time. She cracks jokes about wanting to marry me, but like at her core, she's not actually.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

It's you, not anyone else. And I don't actually mean it. No, and I've always said you can have whoever you want. We'll just be married on paper and live next to each other. Like it's just, you know. God, I forgot about the aggressive lesbian. And that took me back to that time where I really had to like I have never been the car. I have never been pursued so hard. I have never had to run away from somebody as a grown adult.

SPEAKER_01 40:19

Literally run.

SPEAKER_00 40:21

Literally put people in front of me. Like, she would try to go hug me, and I would like body, like, I have never had to actually like gosh, I remember I got away from her and then I don't know what we call.

SPEAKER_01 40:40

I cannot be stuck in this car with you. Do you want to know why?

SPEAKER_00 40:43

Because do you remember Cassandra who drove into the yes. Yes, actually, I do. I don't remember last. I remember her. I don't know. The aggressive lesbian popped out of nowhere, and the cops were like, She's like, I'll give her a ride. Remember that?

SPEAKER_01 40:56

We were down to stalking your location. How did you show up?

SPEAKER_00 41:00

Because she lived downtown or something like that. I don't fucking know. This was how many years ago? Yeah. Oh god, forever ago. And so she get and I was just like fucked up, and then she gave me a ride, and I'm like, how are you gonna give somebody a ride in your car when it didn't have a gas? It didn't have gas. That okay. That's even worse.

SPEAKER_01 41:19

It is worse because that's so preventable. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 41:22

And why would you offer to give me an arrival?

SPEAKER_01 41:24

If you don't have the gas to do it.

SPEAKER_00 41:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 41:26

Yeah, that's funny. And then I get the frantic phone call.

SPEAKER_00 41:30

Save me. Come save me right now. I was like, I'm gonna start walking right now. We're on the freeway and I'm gonna start walking, okay? Bye. Out. God. I forgot about that.

SPEAKER_01 41:44

Good fun time.

SPEAKER_00 41:45

Do you remember who then brought her back around me? No. Oh, cocaine.

SPEAKER_01 41:51

Yes. Cocaña.

SPEAKER_00 41:53

That's no, not that. Okay. The per the last yeah, you can't say the name because Is it's not cocaine? Yes, yes, it is.

SPEAKER_01 42:01

Okay. That's her nickname. That's what I call her. Okay, cocaine.

SPEAKER_00 42:05

Didn't I tell you I saw her the other day? Yes. Anyways, um, yeah. I was like, how do you two know each other? The Cokania.

SPEAKER_01 42:16

That is how they know each other.

SPEAKER_00 42:19

And like all of a sudden, I'm like, why? I spent so many years getting away. Dude.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

See, that's what I'm saying though. The universe comes back around and retests to see if we've learned the lesson. And I failed.

SPEAKER_00 42:33

You did.

SPEAKER_01 42:34

I still Did you have fun at least? It was fine. Did you get any handprints? I literally hated myself. Did you get any handprints? No, I won't let that happen again because.

SPEAKER_00 42:44

But if you listen to a previous episode, you know what happened.

SPEAKER_01 42:47

Janessa makes fun. We now officially call him handprint. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 42:51

Okay, yes, handprint. Because he loves handprints on you, and Janessa thought you're being beat. She was just like, um, what's this?

SPEAKER_01 43:00

She's like, are these like you said yes or and then when she took a photo and showed it to me and I laughed so hard, and she's like, how could that have possibly happened? And I'm like, I was folded in half. And she's like, that actually makes complete sense for where the handprint is located. She's like, wait, why is it there? I don't know why I can't learn that lesson though. I have a picture of it. But I'm sure it is.

SPEAKER_00 43:22

I have a picture of you folded up like that.

SPEAKER_01 43:25

We're not sharing that. I know what photo you're talking about. I know when it was taken, I know the context of why it was taken, and it's all bad. It's all bad.

SPEAKER_00 43:34

I feel like we can show it. No, we don't need to. She's clothed. So it's fine. We should claim it. In fact, I am fully clothed. I'm like, uh, the way I'm talking about this, it sounds like you're naked. You're fully clothed and demonstrating. I went with a demonstration. And it was for the episode that we don't air. This was back. No, it aired. Just nobody listened to it. Nobody listened because we didn't pay for it. Correct. And the people that did pay for it just didn't listen to that one.

SPEAKER_01 44:04

Before we took down the subscription.

SPEAKER_00 44:07

I wonder where is actually several people who would love to get a hold of that episode. And I wonder if Maverick ever thought that changing his name was ever gonna change the fact of he was who he was.

SPEAKER_01 44:21

Let me say that dude was no. He like I was along for the ride because I couldn't stop what was happening, but like that situation was fucking crazy. Just say. Like that dude thought that he could like eat his cake and someone else's cake and the next person's cake and everybody's cake. That it wasn't gonna be an issue. That's not how it works. This ain't a fucking like buffet bakery.

SPEAKER_00 44:52

I wonder where that person ever is at now.

SPEAKER_01 44:55

For sure. Gotta be around, right? I mean they were very uh localized.

SPEAKER_00 45:00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

They were very much embedded in the community. So I'm sure they're around.

SPEAKER_00 45:07

That's funny. Valet really wanted to be on the podcast. I was like, why?

SPEAKER_01 45:10

I know we we tried to be like, well, we don't want you on the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 45:15

Like it's the episode that never made the air.

SPEAKER_01 45:18

Correct. Probably best for everybody. Oh, that was so long ago.

SPEAKER_00 45:24

Wow.

Fitness, Body Image, And Prep Mindset

SPEAKER_01 45:25

I know we're old now. We're not those people anymore at all. Which is why it's so funny to like talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 45:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:38

I know. Whenever I like really sit down and like think about where I've been in comparison to where I am, first off, it feels like I've lived like five different lives.

SPEAKER_00 45:47

Yes, and how tame life is now. Like I love the end of the day, getting into bed, putting on all my face masks, my oily, my lip masks. I just slug it up and I know I'm moisturized and I'm in bed. And you go to bed at like eight. Yes, because I get up. I have clients in the morning 5 30, 5 several days a week. So I'm like, I have to be up early because I really enjoy my sleep and I need it.

SPEAKER_01 46:15

I'm just really bad at sleeping. I've always been bad at sleeping, though. I like my whole life.

SPEAKER_00 46:20

I'm really good at sleeping. For me, I couldn't sleep at your house. Your dogs.

SPEAKER_01 46:25

I they're not allowed upstairs anymore. Remember?

SPEAKER_00 46:28

Yes. Okay, so then that's good.

SPEAKER_01 46:29

Yeah, no, see, my whole thing, my biggest problem with sleep in general is that they force the whole world to function on like the same time scale. And that's not realistic for some people. Like, I mean, technically, I put myself in that situation because I I work at a job that starts at 6 a.m. I've worked at 6 a.m. for 17 years. You think at some point you would become adjusted to that? And I just fucking don't. Like if I could sleep from like 1 a.m. till 7 a.m. or like 7:30 or even 8, pushing it, woo-hoo, like that would be ideal for me. But I can't, but I still can't fall asleep until like 1 a.m. Because that's what my internal clock is set to. And I don't know if there's a I don't know if there's a way to like change your internal clock.

SPEAKER_00 47:15

There is, it's just making yourself go to bed. You would have to turn your phone physically Yeah, but you don't actually turn all your phones and your TV. Yes, I do.

SPEAKER_01 47:23

Yes, I do. I don't fall asleep with the TV on anymore. I haven't since for almost for like over a year now because my current therapist somehow fixed that. So I shut everything off, but I'll just lay there. And now I don't even have the dogs. So I'm literally just laying in silence, which is not great for my brain.

SPEAKER_00 47:45

I feel like maybe you need some noise.

SPEAKER_01 47:47

Yeah, noise is helpful because then I can focus on the noise and not, you know, um my thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 47:53

You can turn some like some kind of noise on.

SPEAKER_01 47:55

I don't like white noise. I don't understand white noise. Like, why? And maybe I don't know if that's just like a personal preference or if that's specific to like one of my conditions, but like I can't stand white noise. It's to me, it's I already have static in my head, and why would I purposely want to have louder static in my head?

SPEAKER_00 48:16

I get that.

SPEAKER_01 48:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:19

Oh, my knee just popped.

SPEAKER_01 48:21

Oh, I'm so old.

SPEAKER_00 48:22

Um, so yeah, we're just gonna wrapping up that episode of that.

SPEAKER_01 48:26

Um that is where we're at.

SPEAKER_00 48:29

There was no topic. We were just letting you know why we missed a week. That was the first time in a very long time we've missed a week.

SPEAKER_01 48:36

You've been so good about like making sure that we get.

SPEAKER_00 48:41

I do have some encore episodes, as I call them, which either have not aired or would be fun to re-air again, which I think I'll sprinkle in at the end of the week, which these ones come out at the beginning of the week. So look for those. But yeah, new content, always our life, what's happening. Yeah. Um, I do want to do one on finances coming up, and we're doing one on nutrition, all that.

SPEAKER_01 49:02

Um, both of our wheelhouses and we also might have to skip a week at the end of March, just because I have my cruise.

SPEAKER_00 49:13

Yes, I do too, which means we're just gonna have to do more ahead of time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:17

So we will do that for you guys.

SPEAKER_00 49:18

Yes. Um, till next time, besties. Bye. Bye. We are so awkward. Is it like the Tism and the ADHD like combined? It is so hard to say goodbye.

SPEAKER_01 49:30

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 49:32

This is why I like what are they called, the Irish goodbye? Where you just leave. I love that. I love that as well. I love that. I would never be mad at someone.

SPEAKER_01 49:39

I always make sure I say bye to somebody. You would be pissed if somebody did that to you.

SPEAKER_00 49:43

Well, I you're right. If it's somebody that I care about, you're fucking right.

SPEAKER_01 49:49

Double standard. Like, I can do it to you, but you cannot do it to me.

SPEAKER_00 49:53

I'm thinking about like in a circumstance where it's like there's a bunch of people, I just I like to get out. Why am I like that?

SPEAKER_01 50:00

I'm I I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 50:02

I always make sure, but at the same time, it's so hard for me to say goodbye. I'm so awkward with that. I always make sure I say is it all a death in my life? The by the goodbyes are hard, it's weird.

SPEAKER_01 50:13

Wait, I don't know. Like, is that what it is? Is that what it is?

SPEAKER_00 50:17

No. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 50:19

I feel like you were this way before all the deaths.

SPEAKER_00 50:22

Yeah, I'm like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 50:25

I don't know. Something for your therapist to ponder.

SPEAKER_00 50:28

There's a lot of things.

SPEAKER_01 50:29

I know.

SPEAKER_00 50:30

All right. Till next time, besties. Goodbye, number two.

unknown 50:34

Bye.