Attention Or Intention

A text that hits at 10 p.m. can feel like connection, but is it care or convenience? We’re Heather and Lacey, and we’re getting painfully honest about attention versus intention in dating: the difference between easy, frequent, low-effort validation and the consistent, planned follow-through that actually builds a relationship. Along the way, we share the moments that fooled us, like the “anniversary trip” that wasn’t planned for the relationship and the no-card Instacart flowers that screamed bare minimum.

We dig into why attention is so addictive, how love bombing and breadcrumbing keep you hooked, and why “feeling chosen” is not the same as being chosen. We also talk about the weird modern reality where daily texting can masquerade as effort, while real plans never materialize. Social media dating habits make it worse, training all of us to chase quick dopamine hits, confuse frequency with commitment, and treat stability like boredom.

Then we put the theory to work with our games: “Would You Date Him?” (texts all day but never locks in plans, barely texts but consistently shows up) plus “Receipts Or Reach” and a rapid round of instant icks. If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re in a situationship, ignored mixed signals, or stayed because the attention felt good, you’ll leave with clearer dating advice, stronger boundaries, and a sharper eye for real relationship effort.

Subscribe for more, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review. Then reply to us: what’s the most convincing “effort” you later realized was just attention?

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Transcript

Welcome And The Core Definitions

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Hello everyone and welcome back. My name's Heather. Hello, hello. Hello. All right. What are we talking about today? Today we are talking about attention versus intentions. And just uh set the groundwork so we know what we're talking about. Attention is gonna be that easy, frequent, low effort that you get. So easy attention. It's easy. Attention's easy, right? Um, versus intentions, which are consistent, planned, and require effort.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

That makes sense.

When “Effort” Is Actually Convenient

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Alright, so what's something someone did that felt like effort but really wasn't?

SPEAKER_00 1:21

Most recently. I was okay. It's not which is sad that this is most recently, but when me and Cowardly Lion were dating for like our sixth month, we went to the sand dunes to like ride the um the razor around, and like it felt like he put in all of this effort for us to like go and spin this trip together. No, he had had the trip pre-planned with his friends, like before we were even dating, and he just brought me along to his friend's trip and called it our six-month anniversary trip. Only after he realized it was our six-month anniversary, because he didn't even realize that while we were there. He didn't realize it until after I was all like, This is a great six-month anniversary trip. And he was like, What? Oh, yeah, uh happy six months, babe. And the whole time I thought like he he literally like planned it as a six-month anniversary thing, and it fucking wasn't at all.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Oh, I dislike that dude more and more all the time.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

And he's been so far removed, and I'm still like, Yeah, the things that you don't tell me about, then I'm just like I don't tell a lot of people a lot of things because then I get the looks that you're giving me.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Well, because I didn't know about it. Like, I'm the word vomit friend. I call you and I'm like, guess what? You want to hear something?

SPEAKER_00 2:38

I that's like immediately. Please know that if you ever do anything to her, I will know within 24 hours.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

I'm like, I'm gonna call you in a minute. Are you gonna answer?

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Yeah, I'll get a text message that being like, I have something to tell you.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Like, you want to laugh? She's like, always.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

I know so fast. I love it though. But mine is always embarrassing because I'm like, God damn it. I did it again. I I thought it was something and it wasn't something, and I don't want to keep admitting that I keep doing it over and over. So I just don't tell people.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

But you've been getting bamboozled. I know it's not your fault all the time. It's not your fault.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

It's a little bit my fault. I am the problem, remember? But yeah, that was something like that one hurt too, because like I I'm used to dating men who don't put in effort. Like every single anniversary that me and President Aaron Carter had, I planned and paid for it. Like I so I it felt so good that like I was finally dating a dude who was putting in effort and then it fucking wasn't. Then it wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

It wasn't. So that fucking sucked.

SPEAKER_00 3:42

What about you? Um felt like effort, but wasn't.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

Um I don't know. I'm trying to think about it. I'm trying to think. I feel like there could be lots of lots of lots of things that I'm just but I uh I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

I know there's gotta be stuff in there.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

I know I'm racking my brain. Um, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, um when I broke up with Johnny Bravo, I think like one of the first times for the lying incidents, and then he had like Instacarted to my house, like Walmart flowers. I remember that. And I was like, there was nothing, no card or anything, and I'm like, I'm gonna not be a bitch. So let me text my friend group. I'm like, did any of you send me flowers? Or like, no, and I'm like, all right, who's bullshit? But like we knew who it was, but yeah, like you're just gonna have an Instacart to look that.

SPEAKER_00 4:53

You want to know what's also funny is like you considered that as low effort, and I would have been so fucking flattered because I would have been like, oh boy, send me flowers, and you're like, they were literally basically from the trash, and I still would have been fucking flattered. And you're like, baby, no, we don't accept anything that's not from a real florist.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Really? Are you kidding? That was like you just put del like really, and there wasn't even a card.

SPEAKER_00 5:24

No.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

They dropped that's not flower delivery. I get the flowers were delivered, but that was not floral delivery.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

We're not the same. I was so like that. You're used to a touch of money. So, like, you have an ex a level of expectation. I used to buy myself flowers, thinking that if the man saw me buy me flowers, that he would be like, oh, I should buy her flowers. Uh-uh. Didn't work. So yeah, I would have been swoon, and that's part of the problem.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Putting flowers.

SPEAKER_00 6:01

But I love that you're like, no, this isn't acceptable. You should have that. You shouldn't have that.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

That was very low effort. But also fit into the city.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

You were like, I was like, did you see you were like really disgusted by it? It was great. I was.

Obsession Without Being Shown Off

SPEAKER_01 6:15

You got the ick. Like, what is this shit? Um, okay. Have you ever been obsessed with someone who wasn't actually doing anything? I know yours. Do you want a pink one?

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Here, see my collection. I keep them in my deepest darkest heart.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

I don't want you to be a collector. I don't want you to be a collector.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

The wrong type of collection. You're going the wrong way.

SPEAKER_01 6:45

You are being collected. You are no longer the collector.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

I mean, really, I that the biggest one obviously is Fat Roger. Like that. Yeah. The entire two and a half years. Yep. You're like, that's the one. That's the one. That's the one. That's the one. Yeah, that entire two and a half years that we were together. He never. Literally, he took me out to dinner in public one time and it was a Denny's. And it was at like one o'clock in the afternoon. So it wasn't even dinner, it was fucking lunch. And I got so much anxiety about being seen in public with him because he had basically told me he was embarrassed to be with me and like he didn't ever want anyone to see us together ever. And I just like functioned off that that was, you know, the way I needed to live my life. I had a fucking panic attack in the Denise because I was so scared that someone he knew was going to see us and he was going to be embarrassed that we had to leave and go home and didn't even end up eating our food.

unknown 7:45

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

And you've come so far.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

So yeah, I've experienced that. Literally, no ever. I would have to drive all the way to the bar every weekend. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:03

I see it all now. Now I almost feel like I saw it then and just like the brainwashing.

SPEAKER_01 8:10

He was really good at like manipulating.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

Like he could run a cult, let me tell you.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

Probably does. He probably does. It's probably like that weird twisted. What was the one? What was the was it the twisted yoga one? Oh yeah. The twisted yoga. Have you seen that? It's on Apple TV. You should watch it. And they like end up making the like these girls are like willingly like cam girling and then giving all the money to some weird, anyways.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

I literally, after being in that relationship, I 100% understand how people end up in a cult and don't realize it.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

You were in a one-person cult.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

It's called Stockholm Sindra. It's a real thing. Look it up. You fall in love with your captor and you just you think they're the beasties. Yeah, it's awful.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

But so yeah, I've been there. So join us for Lacey Escaping the Cult of Fat Roger. That was rough.

SPEAKER_00 9:00

Had a move. Look at you now. I know. He doesn't know where I live. Yay.

SPEAKER_01 9:08

You have to answer the question. Oh, yes. I don't know about ever being like obsessed with someone.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

I don't think you've ever been obsessed with someone.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

No, I'm like, it lost me at that. Yeah, to be honest. The same amount of effort. I put in effort, but then I also like stopped putting in effort when it stops going the other way.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

So yeah, I think the most that we can say is you putting in an unequal level of effort, which obviously Johnny Bravo. So because you paid for literally everything. You planned everything. Yes. Anytime he planned something, it didn't actually stop it.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

He had a fake stroke or it gets me fatigue. Like I what gets me is the yelling at himself on the phone to an imaginary person pretending that they just pretending that they cancelled dinner reservations. Or then he was so sick that we couldn't go to Olympia when it was all a lie, that he had like my mom take off work.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

The level of commitment is insane to like a stroke.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

That's so funny.

unknown 10:13

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

Are you not embarrassed?

Late Night Texts And Breadcrumbing

SPEAKER_01 10:15

He's not. He's different now, I guess, right? Oh. That's hilarious. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. Um, okay, so we're gonna get right into it. Let's decide if these are attention or intention. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Um I don't know why every time you like, like, I feel like I'm going into a test.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Okay, so actually, these are gonna be more like we're more discussion topics today. We're not we're not getting into this or that yet. But late night texting versus real effort. So, like, do you consider late night texting only versus real effort?

SPEAKER_00 10:54

Okay, hand print, case in point, right? Only messages me after 7 p.m. What are you doing? You should come stay the night. Okay. You should cuddle me.

SPEAKER_01 11:04

So that's the attention, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

Yes, it's because you're a phone only and you just want a girl in your bed, and I just happen to be the idiot that's like I guess.

SPEAKER_01 11:13

Do you say it like that?

SPEAKER_00 11:15

No, it's text message.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Do you say I guess?

SPEAKER_00 11:17

I just say sure.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

That sounds so exciting. Sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

I know what's waiting for me on the other end. Mediocrity. It's fine. It's fine. I still go. It's but yeah, it's that's not effort. That's not ever at all.

SPEAKER_01 11:33

No, because you have not heard from this person since.

SPEAKER_00 11:35

Correct. Not until the next time that person gets lonely.

SPEAKER_01 11:39

And you're gonna say nope instead of sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Well, let's see. My record is I said no four times. So let's see how let's see how long I can make it.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

See six this time.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

We're gonna shoot for six. All right. We're shooting, we're seeing how many times I can say no before he stops asking.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

So attention is that late night texting, intention, real effort. Um feeling chosen attention over actually being chosen. Feeling chosen versus quote unquote chosen versus actually being chosen. So you're at the love bombing stuff? Yeah, or just like the words, the come, you know, like the coming over, the talking whatever, right be just to get you to come over. I mean, anything that's like feeling, it's like the attention you get instant attention makes you feel like dopamine versus like actually being chosen, someone going out of their way to make plans with you, someone inconveniencing their life to make you happy or better. Did you just get a text?

SPEAKER_00 12:40

No, but I have a case in point. Oh. And this is a sad one. California? Yes! God damn it! That's exactly what it is.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

Every time you talk about him or think about him, you light up.

SPEAKER_00 12:48

He tells me all the right things. But when it comes to but has he visited? No. No. It could just be an attention game. He just told me how he just spent seven grand paying off his credit card, which is great. Be financially responsible. But you could have held back 500 and came and visited me and you didn't. So that is the the words don't line up with the actions. Even though the words do make me feel real good.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

Yes, it could be an attention game.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

But look at me recognizing it.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

We you knew it all along. You're still playing along because you're choosing. And I'm proud of you for that.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Because that's the thing. Once I admit it out loud, then I can be held accountable for that knowledge. As long as I don't admit it, then you can't ever tell me that I knew it, even if I knew it. And this is how my brain works.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

So are you on the stance of pro-attention or pro intention?

SPEAKER_00 13:42

I prefer intention, but I've been alone for such a long time that at this point I'm settling for attention.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

I want intention, but like in a relationship, I still want attention. I want fucking plot twist. I want both. And I need it.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yeah, it's beyond a what.

SPEAKER_01 14:01

If my attention starts diminishing, I'm like You start to question. I'm like, is there a reason? Because for me, I need both. I need the intention, but I also need attention. Like, I need you to be like wanting to be around me and want to touch me and want to like. If you don't, then why are we together? Then it can just be anybody. Yeah. We're just like if you so oh am I am I needy? No, yes.

SPEAKER_00 14:27

Well, I think it depends on how you're looking at the word needy. Do you know what you need? Yes. Do I think you're inherently needy? No. Because you're not asking, you're not like, I need you 24-7. You're like, I just need to feel like I I that you want me, and I want you to show that you want me, and I want to, you know, that's I don't think that's needy. But I think that you're very good at identifying what you need. That's where I struggle. Like to an extent, I like I I know what I want, but I don't necessarily know what I need.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

Yes. That tracks. That tracks. Um all right, so I feel like attention could be bread crumbing all at the same time. Remind me bread crumbing. Giving you just enough. Giving you little pebbles, giving you little breadcrumbs when you're hungry for attention.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

Yeah, no, that's a that's fair. That's exactly what that is. It's like, did you just hit yourself with the microphone?

SPEAKER_01 15:29

I hit the um not myself, but I definitely hit the headphones. I'm like, I don't know what happened. It was shocking. Sorry.

Why Attention Feels Like Validation

SPEAKER_00 15:40

Yeah. Um that's exactly what it is, though. It's like, I'm gonna give you attention because that's gonna be enough to at least keep you talking to me. And then I'm gonna get I'm gonna say the right things to keep you talking to me, and then I'm gonna I'm always gonna figure out what is the line of you know what I mean? How much do I have to give you to get what I want, and I'm not giving you more than that, versus intention is I don't care what the line is, I'm going to give you all that I have because I want to. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:11

One is like you're trying to conquer something, and the other is you're trying to build something. I love that. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

Okay. Um sorry, I'm trying to get comfy. Um, so why does attention feel like validation? I know we talk a lot about the validation vulture thing. That's so funny. It makes me think about it. So these are attention seekers. So but we all want to be validated, and the attention for me does validate feelings.

SPEAKER_00 16:40

I think it just plays to like even confident people, everybody like there are moments of self-com or lack of self-confidence. You know what I mean? And I think attention plays into that. It helps kind of give you a boost to make you feel a little better about the things that you don't necessarily feel great about and who doesn't want to. Like, it's giving your brain dopamine, literally. It's a it's a chemical reaction that makes it feel good. You know what I mean? Yep. But it that's not necessarily the same across the board because we talked about how love bombing doesn't work on me because I don't believe you're in.

SPEAKER_01 17:13

It also makes you uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 17:15

Very much so. Like, literally, like, don't do it. I don't like it. But at the same time, it does. It's like I want to be complimented, and I want you to understand when I reject that compliment. You're so complicated. No, it's a problem.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

Like you're so complicated, but you're not.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

I I like to be complimented on things that I believe about myself, and nothing.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

You'd rather have one authentic compliment whenever that person's ready to give it than attention just because.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

Tell me I'm a good cook. Tell me I'm a good mom. Tell me I'm smart. Tell me things that I believe about myself. Don't tell me I'm pretty because I don't believe you, and now I think everything you said to me is that I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02 17:55

A lot of work on this.

SPEAKER_00 17:58

Now you're just a liar.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

We need to work on this. Do you think people confuse frequency with effort? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

I I can I'm guilty. The whole thing with California is what do I say all the time? Like, we talk every day and multiple times a day, and it's all green flags and all things. And then I ignore the red flags because I see the all the green flags because I'm like, oh, look at the level of effort this boy puts in. When really it's just texting. It's just and who knows how many other people he's texting. I'm I'm putting it on a higher pedestal than I should. And I'm aware of it and I'm still gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

Um, why do you think people fall for attention so easily? Like, why is attention do you think because it feels good? I guess.

SPEAKER_00 18:54

It goes back to that chemical reaction.

SPEAKER_01 18:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

I guess the older the more jaded I get, the more I don't believe it because But isn't it weird how like your reaction to how good that attention feels depends on where it's coming from.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yes, because like I have told you I can't handle it from certain like I don't want from certain people. You're like, I don't want your attention. Yes, like if I don't want it, I don't want it. I am not okay. This just brought up a whole new topic because it was making me sound like I just want no. I only want attention from the people that like my boyfriend. Yep. I want like that kind of attention just only from him. You're a best friend. Or my best friend, but not that kind of attention.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

No, but it's still attention.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

Yes, no, there's only certain people that I want that from, um, and that is it. Yep. It it matters, and it makes me very uncomfortable if I don't want you to give me attention if you do.

SPEAKER_00 19:51

No, I I fully agree with you.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

Like, I love Irish goodbyes. I don't know where that came from, but it's like I love to just exit.

SPEAKER_00 20:01

I love to leave. I do good about saying bye, but I am like I'm always the first one to go, usually. Like they make comments about it about like go and book club. They're like, as soon as it's over, Lacey's gone. Like, she's like, it's over, okay, bye.

Social Media And Short Attention Spans

SPEAKER_01 20:16

Yeah, same z's. Um, yeah. So do you think social media has made this worse? A hundred percent. That just made makes people seek out validation nonstop.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Yeah, like the fact that people care so much about like the number of likes that they get and whether it's a heart react or or whatever. And I'm guilty of it too. I cannot tell you how angry it makes me when I post something funny and someone puts a care emoji reaction to it. It pisses me off. You're like, this is my dark humor. This is fucking funny. Don't feel bad for me.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

You need to unfriend them. That person has never been through trauma.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

That person actually really has been. I know. I know for a fact that person has even called them out. I'm like, if you fucking care react one more time, I will remove you.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

You should just remove them at this point.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

But then I feel bad.

SPEAKER_01 21:08

This is a problem for your therapist.

SPEAKER_00 21:12

I don't know. This is additional therapy. Have you not figured that out by now? This is where I identify my problems and then I take them to her and I say, now fix it. Um not really, but that would be hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

Like an actual question. Like, so do you think that people now are more lonely or just more entertained with the whole social media, everything at your fingertips, dating apps, all the stuff. Like the attention, I think intention is just not a thing when you're not not in like not until you're like serious. I feel like people date so much anymore. Like, I don't think people are investing real intention until they can get something out of it. Until like it's an investment in the relationship.

SPEAKER_00 21:59

Right. They're dating just to date, not with the intention of having a relationship or building a life or whatever. Yeah, that's fair for sure.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

I feel like, well, maybe because we're older now, there's a lot of people that are just wanting to be solo. Like, I definitely want to be married again. Like, that's a thing we've talked about. That I don't want to just be a girlfriend forever.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

So it's like there are a lot of people that just I think the the biggest issue that social I can't even talk, social media brought to this topic specifically is the short attention span because we're getting the instant hits. So like people get over things so quickly. They're like if you get Little bursts of attention. They instead of looking for longevity, they're looking for immediate. And they're not looking for sustainability, they're looking for quantity. And that I think is what has been the real demise of social media because like people just scroll and scroll and scroll to get the instant fixes. Constant low-level attention. And it's the and then they apply that same mentality to dating. Like if you can't keep me entertained the entire time, then I lose interest. And it's like that's not how relationships work. But that is how people are going into relationships. It's like they constantly need and the second that they get bored, they're gone.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

So nobody has to put intention in, no one has to try hard. Yep. Because we are primed to have that constant access, constant low-level attention, and that's what we've been pressed. 100%. That's why I've been living more off the social world. And I love it.

Would You Date Him Scenarios

SPEAKER_00 23:28

I am definitely on it way less than I used to be. I spend more time on my games, but like I'll still post things that are funny for the sake of because it's funny, but like I don't spend hours on Facebook anymore. I used to, but like it's so fucking depressing, dude. I can't do it.

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Can't do it. What was that face? I just have something so exciting for everybody. Uh-oh. We are going straight into would you date him? And we're gonna do a little expanded version, and I have something for you. And this goes right back to something that we were just talking about. Okay, don't rush this one. This is where like we're going to like go into this. So this time it's not, it's we're gonna expand. No rapid fire. Okay, prompt one is for you.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

Is it or you are just assigning it to me? Because yes. Okay, figured.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

Text you all day. Compliments you. No actual plans. Would you date him?

SPEAKER_00 24:22

I want to say no, but yeah. And like trying, I'm trying really hard to improve. So it feels good at first, right? Going forward, no.

SPEAKER_01 24:33

So does it feel good at first?

SPEAKER_00 24:36

Yeah, because the whole thing is again, it it goes to where quantity feels like efforts.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

So in the beginning it feels good because you're getting sold this, all the things, but now that you're in it with no actual plans, how does it feel?

SPEAKER_00 24:51

Right, because the whole thing was, oh, I'm coming in June, and then I was like, hey, like, can I get dates? Like, are you still coming? Are you sure? Well, blah blah blah, and that there's no actual plan, and it's not that's why they always stay in the future.

SPEAKER_01 25:02

Wasting time then because you are investing so much texting and everything.

SPEAKER_00 25:06

I don't because I'm I it's not like I've shut down the idea of somebody else. It's a time it fills the time, but if I were to meet somebody, I would back away from this to explore that. Which is gross. It is.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Alright, I'll do two.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

Okay. Barely text. I'm like not making any face. Plans dates shows up consistently. Do you find that boring or secure?

SPEAKER_01 25:49

Um, love this. I find it secure. I think in the past I'd find it boring because I like a little, but not anymore. What do you think made you change your viewpoint on that? Because I fucking hate chaos in my last situation. I was went through a very chaotic situation that I had no control over. I was just like right in the roller coaster of like whatever that person's mental illness was, um, among other things. But stability, I definitely think I have this too.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

So why do you think people in general like lose interest in consistency?

SPEAKER_01 26:25

Because it's boring and people need that attention nonstop. So you have to, but you would have to be like because there's no quick attention here without those texts, there's no forefront of your mind, constant attention, constant dopamine hit from the like light up of the phone through all the text things. So that's where that would be. But it there's intention there.

SPEAKER_00 26:50

Yeah, I think like if you think about like the seven-year itch, it exists because people get comfortable and then they stop bringing, yeah, they stop doing new things or exciting things together and they just get used to the routine of the day-to-day, and then that's when people start to question the relationship, which it's like it's kind of weird because you're like ultimately that's what you're striving for, right? Is to become so comfortable with another person that like it's just easy and natural and all the things. But I feel like human nature is like you we need excitement and we need something to look forward to, and you know what I mean? So I think that's part of it too, is like if if you don't have the unexpected anymore, you're like, what's the point? Even though technically that was the point in the first place, we just lose sight of it. Don't you think?

SPEAKER_01 27:37

Yes, yeah, I agree. Um, okay, but only hits you up up at night, says he misses you, never follows through.

SPEAKER_00 27:48

So no, I definitely wouldn't. And this is not similar to the other situation because we don't make plans. No, it's literally it is what it is, and we both know what it is, and we're gonna be able to do it.

SPEAKER_01 28:00

This is very much a situation ship, I feel like.

SPEAKER_00 28:03

That, yes, yes, I agree. That's where like so this is where you know better, but staying anyway.

SPEAKER_01 28:11

Yes, and you know better, but you're still staying in it.

SPEAKER_00 28:14

You're giving girlfriend material to a man that's not giving you a title. Yes, but it's limited so that you don't get in over your head. Yeah, it's not good. I've been in it, but not currently. Um, okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:33

Super interested at first and then it fades. Let's both touch on this one. I feel like that's love bombing at its finest. Which I'm not good at. It's a lot of work. This I'm gonna do it. Is this like people just wanting the honeymoon stage and then leaving? Is this like people chronically seeking out that new relationship? See, I don't necessarily love the new relationship feel. Like I want to feel comfortable with someone. Like, I don't like the new, like, I mean, obviously you do, but I like the connection more like the growing with someone, like being comfortable, like the inside jokes, like the being familiar, the comfortability, the knowing that per I don't know. I like all that.

SPEAKER_00 29:13

No, I feel you, and that actually is part of my problem because you should have a honeymoon phase. You absolutely should. And if you don't run, it's a red flag. My problem is because I prefer the comfortability aspect, I will jump full on into the middle of a relationship at the beginning. And so this is something that I've talked to you about before. This is part of the reason why I have 90 days, because the first 90 days it will never be better than the first 90 days, because that's when both people are putting their best foot forward and putting all the effort and all the things. So if you are starting in the middle of a relationship, you're never gonna get that honeymoon. It's never gonna come, it's never gonna get better than the mediocrity that is the middle of a relationship. So it's hard because you're like, I want to get there, but if you start there, there's nowhere, it's never gonna go up. So you need the honeymoon phase. I think that's where you also learn the other person to where you connect a little deeper. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

Instead of jumping into like taking care of the other person, but building them.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

I build them for their forever homes, and then I send them away, and then they marry the next one.

SPEAKER_01 30:26

That's so it kind of like draws us back into like the attention and intention behind all of it. Um, why attention is so addictive? We kind of already hit over this. Like dopamine, text, likes, replies, feeling wanted, but being valued is better than feeling wanted, but you kind of have to have both.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

I do think it has to be a balance of both.

SPEAKER_01 30:47

But I think if someone's willing to do the being valued, they're also gonna make you feel wanted. Like being valued makes you feel wanted. Nope. You don't think being valued makes you feel wanted.

SPEAKER_00 30:57

And you want to know why? Because the men that date me date me for a purpose, because of what I can do for them. So I feel valued because I can make them better, because I have things that I can bring to the table that will benefit them. But that has never once made me feel like that.

SPEAKER_01 31:10

I'm over here just like this hopeless romantic, like they love me, they just want to care for me.

SPEAKER_00 31:15

I'm just over here like definitely this is hand in hand. It is not fucking hand in hand. They value me, I feel wanted. Yeah, no, I don't. I so I see those as two separate things for sure. Just because I've gotten the where I feel value, and I stay because I feel valued, okay, but I don't get feeling wanted because they're not doing that, they're not showing me off. They're not making, they're not doing things to show that they want me for anything other than what I can do for them.

SPEAKER_01 31:45

Craving attention from people that you don't like. Or craving attention from people that they don't like.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

We can just do generalized, like, how do you think that's like if you're in a relationship and others?

SPEAKER_01 32:00

Yes, or yes, because that's gonna be seeking attention from others that you aren't even Yeah, that's a red flag.

SPEAKER_00 32:09

That's I just that's it's a red flag. Like why addicted to attention. Yeah. Which then devalues the it like the attention that you're giving to them because they're not holding that to a different value. You know what I mean? It's a it's the same across the board.

SPEAKER_01 32:25

Um, because it's so confusing chemistry with consistency, we can roll into that. Um, excitement versus stability. That's what we talked about. Like the excitement kind of goes away in the stability, and people are like, oh, this is it. Like, I kind of wanted the excitement and the roller coaster round.

SPEAKER_00 32:41

They break up the relationship and then they go and get the excitement, and then they're like chaos feels like passion.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

Shall I say it again? Yeah. Why? Actually, it doesn't anymore because I had such a chaotic situation, but I even like we've talked about this, like coming from a traumatic, chaotic upbringing. You seek that out because it seems normal.

SPEAKER_00 33:03

It's what you know. I say all it's it's part of my problem, is I'm like the devil you know. I would rather stay in a situation, even my work situation, I would rather stay in a situation that I know is probably not best for me because I know how to navigate it.

SPEAKER_01 33:19

It's best for you right now. At the very moment. At the very moment, we'll figure it out later.

SPEAKER_00 33:26

Um but it's the same difference, you know what I mean? It's the same with like staying in a relationship with a man because it's comfortable, or going to date somebody that's similar to the last relationship that you just left because it's comfortable.

SPEAKER_01 33:41

So, but to some consistency feels boring and they have to leave. So you have both ends of that people who cannot stay. As soon as the excitement dies down, or they stop creating their own chaos, there's other people too that will create chaotic situations.

SPEAKER_00 33:54

Yes. Yeah. My mom left her first husband because they didn't fight enough. That was her reason. She literally told him because she felt like their lack of fighting was a lack of passion. That's crazy. But there, I mean, it just proves there are people that literally they like she would choose chaos and excitement over stability every single time.

SPEAKER_01 34:22

That's crazy, but it's like true. And I think it's not talked about enough.

SPEAKER_00 34:26

And that's probably why I, because I saw that and saw that it never worked out well, I went to the other side and was like, stability only. Overcompensation.

SPEAKER_01 34:38

Basically, this all boils down to like if he wanted to, he would. I know. Just maybe not with you.

SPEAKER_00 34:46

Ouch!

SPEAKER_01 34:47

Mean. Not saying it for you.

SPEAKER_00 34:50

I'm sorry, just like I mean, you can't because this think of how many times in it's happened where like a girl was like, I begged and I begged and I begged, and then he dated the girl after me, and he just did everything for her that I wanted him to do for me.

Receipts Or Reach On Dating Truths

SPEAKER_01 35:07

You want another hard fact? No. You're accepting attention because you don't think you'll get better. That's true. Wait for the intent. Okay. Well, that's kind of rude. Yeah, I know. So on that note, let's go um to some let's play receipts or reach.

unknown 35:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 35:27

This was the one topic that like we had had the most difference on.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

Yeah. For varying reasons. Okay. Mixed signals mean not interested receipts. Receipts.

SPEAKER_00 35:42

Even though I refuse to accept it, even though I know. It's so funny because if I were giving the advice to you, I would be so headstrong and knowing that I'm right. But when it comes to me, I like I know it, but I'm like, yeah, but it's me, so it's different.

SPEAKER_01 35:58

Yeah, your boundaries. We're working on that. We know it sucks. We know your boundaries are very shifty. Shifty. Shifty. Let's like not be like the uh them walls move.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

Okay. It's like a labyrinth in here. You never know. You turn around and you're like, wasn't there a waller? Not anymore. Not anymore.

SPEAKER_01 36:19

Oh my gosh. Okay, consistency matters more than chemistry. I'm gonna say reach. I want both, but you gotta have chemistry. You can have consistency, but if you don't, you can build consistency. You can't build chemistry. Someone can be very consistent and super fucking boring, and I can't do that. I gotta have like chemistry and consistency. I want both.

SPEAKER_00 36:39

That's fair, because the old man is my example of how I tried because that man consistently planned dates, consistently checked in on me. There was no chemistry. He kissed me and I was like, I can't do this. It was like kissing a fish. I didn't so I agree it's a reach. Consistency is important, but it's not, you can't have a relationship based solely on consistency.

SPEAKER_01 37:06

Correct. If they like you, you'll know receipts. They will show by their actions. You're just so quiet over there. You're like, I don't know when anyone likes me.

SPEAKER_00 37:21

I don't. So I don't know how to answer the question.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

I feel like you would know.

SPEAKER_00 37:27

I spent nine and a half years with a man and had no idea if he liked me or not.

SPEAKER_01 37:31

Okay, people make time for what they want. Receipts.

SPEAKER_00 37:37

Yeah. I mean, I don't know how to answer that. Like, do I think it's true? Yes. Do I have proof of it in my phone? No.

SPEAKER_01 37:46

Have you ever ignored something and regretted it? Ignored this. Like, um, ignored, ignored this, like what we're talking about as far as like making time for what? Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:00

Receipts all day. That me ignoring red flags, that's what I do. If that were an Olympic sport, I would proudly represent the United States of America. And I'm pretty sure I would meddle.

SPEAKER_01 38:13

I love that. You would. I would. I'd be your sponsor.

SPEAKER_00 38:17

I know. You're like, that's a sure thing. I'm gonna bet on that and that is a safe bet.

Instant Icks And Listener Questions

SPEAKER_01 38:22

We're gonna be set up for life. Um, okay. Let's go to instant ick. But make it attention versus intent. Okay. Um only texting at night, ick. I would not answer back. I would just block. Block them.

SPEAKER_00 38:43

Listen, I I therefore, though, am equally as bad because because that person only messages me at night, I then in turn also only message that person at night.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

See, I just I don't text as much as you do. I'm a very like, if you hear back from, it's very sporadic. Sometimes you'll hear back from me, sometimes you won't. There's only a few people that well, you. I always text you. But there's only like it's like hit or miss. I'm the worst.

SPEAKER_00 39:05

Yeah, you can't break through your wall of 18,000 unread fucking notifications. Like, it's I can't handle it.

SPEAKER_01 39:14

Um saying I miss you but no effort. Ick.

SPEAKER_00 39:17

Definitely ick.

SPEAKER_01 39:19

Watching stories but no real convo. I don't care. I don't even see who watches my stories. There's so many people I don't I can't keep track of.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

I don't really post stories very often, so that doesn't really apply.

SPEAKER_01 39:30

Calling you baby with no relationship. That doesn't happen. But that would be I would not want someone to call me that.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

That was not that gives you the ick?

SPEAKER_01 39:37

If I'm not in a relationship with you, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:40

No, that doesn't bother me. I call California babe all the time.

SPEAKER_01 39:43

But you guys are like kind of I'm talking about some random person calling you that. I'd be like, why? Oh.

SPEAKER_00 39:48

I still don't think that would bother me. I don't think I would respond to it. I probably wouldn't assume they were speaking to me.

SPEAKER_01 39:56

Um we would like, is it attention or intention? Okay, only texting at night. I know, but it is an ick. It's the instant ick. It's all of these obviously are an instant ick. So is it tension or not intention? That's attention. Not intention.

SPEAKER_00 40:11

Um yeah, because you're you're literally only messaging that person. All of it is.

SPEAKER_01 40:16

Yeah, we yeah, we went through that. All of it is. All of that was like ick, low effort, BS.

SPEAKER_00 40:21

Okay, well I don't think calling somebody baby is either necessarily.

SPEAKER_01 40:30

I don't know. Just for me, I just think that's like an inner relationship type thing. But everybody has their own.

SPEAKER_00 40:35

If that's just Can I ask you a question that might be I don't know if this falls within the scope of this or not, but it made me think of it because it's somewhat on topic. When you're in a relationship with do you use the person's name or do you only refer to them with like cute little nicknames? Yeah, I say babe. Right? Like, and then if they use your name, do you feel like you're in trouble?

SPEAKER_01 40:57

They don't use my name, yeah. That's weird because we use, yeah. That would be weird. I wouldn't be like, what?

SPEAKER_00 41:01

You know what I mean? Isn't that weird? How but like that's a thing.

SPEAKER_01 41:04

That's so funny.

SPEAKER_00 41:05

Yeah. So you don't like you like it's both sides of the coin. Yeah. It's like why are you using my name now? Don't call me babe if I'm not in a relationship, and don't call me my name if we are. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 41:15

There we go. There we go. We just established some new lines. Um, all right. So we want to hear from you guys. Have you ever stayed in something just because it felt good, not because it was good?

SPEAKER_00 41:26

I'm really interested in the um what you thought was effort and then found out it wasn't. Tell us those stories. Yes. I really want to read that.

SPEAKER_01 41:34

Um, and then are you choosing people who show up or just people who check in?

SPEAKER_00 41:38

All these um and are you I want to hear the effort.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

I want the effort one. I want the juicy bits. Give us those. Give us those. Okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:46

Because that's stuff we can all learn from.

SPEAKER_01 41:49

Yes. And we want to know.

SPEAKER_00 41:51

We're nosy. It's school now.

SPEAKER_01 41:53

It's fun. All right. Well, until next time, guys. That was it. That went fast. That did. I know. Time flies when you're having fun. Boop, boop. Basically, yeah, the intention versus intent that went quick. That was easy. I can spot it together.

SPEAKER_00 42:09

I love that we can identify it. Now, if only I could put it into practice.

SPEAKER_01 42:14

Those are two separate entities. I know.

SPEAKER_00 42:16

Yeah, they don't work together. They're different parts of my brain. They do not communicate. Nope.

SPEAKER_01 42:22

We improve.

SPEAKER_00 42:24

All right. Till next time, guys. Bye.

unknown 42:26

Bye.