The Version of You That Was Never Actuall You

The version of you that was never actually you — Ep 01

You've been performing a version of yourself for so long you've forgotten it's a performance. Today we name the thing. Glass of wine optional but encouraged.

In this episode:

→  The pattern that's running your life — and why it made complete sense once

→  Gabor Maté on attachment, authenticity, and the choice children always make

→  What self-abandonment actually costs you — and it's not what you think

→  The one practice that begins the return

 Listener question this episode: Was there a moment when you glimpsed the real you — and then lost her again? Tell me. DMs are open.

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Transcript

The Good Girl Talks: The Version of You That Was Never Actuall You

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Okay,

Hook

SPEAKER_00 0:05

I want you to think about the last time someone asked you how you were doing and you said fine not because you were fine, but because it was easier, quicker, safer, and somewhere in the back of your mind. You had this flicker of thoughts. God, I don't even know how I am. I've been saying fine for so long. I've lost the thread back to what's actually true. That flicker? That's what this whole podcast is about. Welcome to the Good Girl Talks. And we're going there today. And I mean that.

Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Hey girl. Hey gorgeous. Welcome back to the Good Girls Talks. Or welcome for the very first time, in which case, where have you been? I'm Sonia Figueroa and I am so glad you're here. Today we are starting at the beginning. Not the beginning of my story. Though we'll get there. The beginning of the thing that bought every single woman listening to this show. We are talking about the version of you that was never actually you. The performance. The persona. The carefully assembled identity that looked like a woman who had it together. And felt on the inside like she was just keeping it from falling apart. I want to say right up front, this one is going to land in your chest. And that is exactly where it needs to land. Ready? Let's go. I

Sonya's Story

SPEAKER_00 2:09

want to tell you about a moment I had about four years ago now. I was standing in my kitchen. It was one of those unremarkable Tuesday nights. And I was making dinner and half listening to my husband talk. And I had this sudden strange thought. Who is this woman? Not him, me. I was watching myself move around the kitchen. Efficient, capable, nodding at all the right moments. And I just couldn't locate myself inside the scene. Like I was watching someone else do a very convincing impression of Sonia. I had been the good girl for so long. The strong one, the capable one, the one who managed everything with grace. That I had absolutely no idea what I actually wanted. What I thought, what I felt beyond tired and vaguely resentful, and trying very hard not to show it. I'd been performing a version of myself since I was small. Not consciously, not as a lie, but because somewhere along the way I learned, we all learned this. That the version of me that was agreeable, competent, and calm got love, got approval, got to be safe. And the version that was messy, uncertain, or inconvenient, that version got put away. And here I was, years later, in my own kitchen, and I had lost her completely.

Self-Abandonment

SPEAKER_00 4:12

And I know I'm not alone in that. Because if you're listening to this show, if something made you click play today, chances are you know exactly what I mean. So let's name this thing. Because it has a name. And once you have a name for it, you will see it absolutely everywhere. It's called self-abandonment. And before you think that sounds too dramatic for your life, hang on, because it doesn't look dramatic. It looks like competence, it looks like grace, it looks like everyone around you thinking you're doing brilliantly. Self-abandonment is what happens when a woman learns, usually very young, that her emotional needs, her preferences, her entire world are less important than keeping the peace, earning approval, or being useful to someone else. And believe me, it's not a character flaw. It's not a weakness, it's survival. And here's what nobody tells the capable woman. The patterns you're running right now made complete sense once. They were how a little girl stayed love. How a young woman got seen. How an adult woman keeps things from falling apart. The problem is not that she built the mask. The problem is that she forgot she was wearing it. Dr. Gabor Mate, one of the most important voices in trauma and the body, talks about the two needs every child has attachment and authenticity. And here's the heartbreaking thing. When those two needs are in conflict, when being authentic threatens the attachment, a child will always always choose attachment every single time. So she learns to be who she needs to be. And that cost her something enormous. It cost her own interior life. Her access to what she actually wants. Her ability to feel genuinely feel in her own body. It costs her real intimacy because you cannot be truly known by someone if you're always presenting a curated version of yourself. And here is perhaps the most heartbreaking cost of all. She becomes a stranger to herself. The woman standing in the kitchen on the Tuesday night, watching herself move and not recognize who she's watching? That's what self abandonment does. Over time, quietly with excellent manners.

A Question to Sit With

SPEAKER_00 7:54

So here's where I want to offer you something. Not a five step plan not a homework assignment, just a question. What if the woman you've been searching for the one who feels like the real you the one you glimpse occasionally and then lose? What if she hasn't gone anywhere? What if she's been underneath all of it? Underneath the competence and the capability and the relentless holding it together. Patience? Patient Quiet Waiting Not broken not lost beyond recovery. Just covered.

The Work of Returning

SPEAKER_00 8:46

The work isn't about becoming someone new. I want you to really hear that. It's not about fixing what's wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. The work is about returning, coming home to who you always actually were. Before you learned to be who everyone needed you to be. And that process starts not with a plan, but with a noticing. So here's your one thing for this week. Just one. The next time someone asks you how you are, before you say fine, take one breath and actually check in. Not with what you should be feeling. Not with what you not with what would be easiest to say, just what actually is true right now. You don't have to say it out loud. You don't have to share it. Just notice it. That notice is the beginning of everything.

Outro & Resources

SPEAKER_00 10:01

If this episode has landed for you, and I really hope it has, I want to tell you about where this work lives more fully. Everything I've just shared with you is in the heart of my book, The Good Girl Begone, which is the most honest thing I've ever written. It's the story of the mask and the unmasking. All of it. The link is in the show notes. With other women in a real container, my good girl unmask webinars are coming up. This is where we actually go there together. Not a lecture, a held space. Come and unmask with me. The link is also in the show notes. And I promise you, the women who come into that room are the women you've been waiting to find. Before I let you go, I want to know what you think. Was there a moment in this episode where you felt a flicker of recognition? A word that landed somewhere in your body before it landed in your brain. Slide into my DMs on Instagram or drop a comment wherever you're listening. Tell me your Tuesday in the kitchen moment, the moment you first wondered if the woman you'd been showing the world was actually you. I read every single one. And if this episode gave you something today, even just a word for something you've been feeling, please share it with one woman in your life who needs to hear it. That is how this show reaches the people who need it most. Hit subscribe so you never miss an episode. It costs you nothing and it means everything. The version of you that was never actually you. She was not a failure. She was a little girl doing what she needed to do to survive. And she deserves to be thanked and honored. And gently, finally, set free. That's it for me, gorgeous. Until next time, stay messy, stay real, and remember the good girl has left the building. I'm Sonia Figueroa. This is the Good Girls Talks, and you're right on time.