The Moment You’re About to React… Do This Instead | Lissy Alden (MYNDY)

There’s a moment… right before you react.
Right before you snap, shut down, or reach for something you didn’t plan to.

Most people miss it.
 But that moment? That’s where your power is.

In this episode, I sit down with Lissy Alden, CEO + Founder of MYNDY, to talk about how to train for that moment—so you can make better choices under stress without relying on willpower.

You’ll learn what’s happening in your brain when stress spikes, why the “lower brain” grabs quick fixes, and how small, repeatable actions can reshape patterns over time. With humor and real-world structure, Lissy reframes shame as conditioning—and shows you how to win the moment without chasing perfection.

In this conversation:
• mental fitness vs. mental health (and why the distinction matters)
• what stress does to working memory and decision-making
• how to “win the moment” with one tiny written decision
• the pause that brings your thinking brain back online
• inner critic vs. lower brain chatter (and how to respond differently)
• simple frameworks to reduce overwhelm: Stop–Slow–Go + feedback maps
• brain dumps, journaling, and scoring wins to build momentum
• why maintenance is harder than starting—and how to plan for it

🎥 Watch the full video episode on YouTube:
👉 https://www.youtube.com/@pamdwyerspeaker

This is Delay the Binge™ — the moment before the reaction.

Delay the Binge™ explores the patterns behind urges, habits, emotional eating, stress, burnout, and Quiet Depletion™—and what happens in the pause between impulse and action, where real change begins.

Through conversations with leading experts in neuroscience, psychology, and human behavior, you’ll learn how your brain drives reactions—and how small, intentional shifts can interrupt patterns and build momentum.

Because it’s not about willpower…
 it’s about what you do in the moment the urge hits.

📬 Send us Fan Mail

🌐 Learn more: https://delaythebinge.com

Pam Dwyer | Speaker & Bestselling Author
Storytelling that transforms. Healing that lasts.

📚 Books + Speaking: http

This is Delay the Binge™ — formerly The Plus One Theory Podcast.

Delay the Binge™ explores the patterns behind urges, habits, emotional eating, stress, burnout, and Quiet Depletion™, and what happens in the pause between impulse and action, where real behavior change begins.

Through conversations with leading experts in neuroscience, psychology, resilience, and human behavior, you’ll gain practical insight into how the brain shapes reactions, and how small, intentional shifts can interrupt patterns and create lasting change.

Because it’s not about willpower…it’s about what you do in the moment the urge hits.

Full video episodes available on YouTube
 👉 https://www.youtube.com/@pamdwyerspeaker

Learn more: https://delaythebinge.com

Pam Dwyer | Speaker & Bestselling Author
Storytelling that transforms. Healing that lasts.

Books + Speaking:  https://www.tpkkconcepts.com/

⚠️ IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER

This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical, psychological, or professional advice.

The content shared reflects personal experiences and general insights and should not replace guidance from a licensed healthcare provider, therapist, or qualified profe...

Transcript

Meet Lizzie Alden And Mindy

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to the Delay the Binge podcast. This is where we slow down and examine the patterns behind our reactions, the mental habits that shape how we think, cope, perform, and make decisions. Because most struggles aren't about character, they're about conditioning. And when we understand what's happening in the brain, we stop shaming ourselves for being human. That's exactly where today's conversation lives. Today I'm joined by Lizzie Alden, CEO and founder of Mindy, not Mindy, but Mindy, a mental fitness company designed to help individuals and organizations win the moment. She studied at Cornell, completed her graduate degree at MIT, where she began the foundational research that ultimately shaped Mindy. And she's built frameworks that address stress from psychological, physiological, and organizational angles. Lizzie, I'm truly glad you're here.

SPEAKER_01 1:10

Thank you for having me, Pam. It's such a pleasure.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

It's so awesome. I'm so excited. So before we dive into frameworks and neuroscience, what's been taking up the most mental bandwidth in your world lately?

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Great question. Um, there's been a couple things on the personal front and a couple things on the work front. So personally, I just went on my honeymoon and I am 22 weeks pregnant and I just moved. So all of that happened within a two-week, not the pregnancy part. We're growing the baby during this period, but uh the move and the honeymoon happened in the last two weeks. So it's been a living with a capital L kind of time in my life.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

I visualize you carrying an exclamation mark around with you, like a potion of one.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

By the way, that is how I am living right now. So that's taking up obviously a whole bunch of space. And then um, yeah, building my company uh, which works on, you know, mental fitness um and organizational fitness for companies and the people within them to help them win the moment has been like this other focus. And starting to get our YouTube channel up and running and uh getting the word out there about all the great work we've been doing is really top of mind.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Yeah, I hear you use that phrase a lot. And I was doing my homework and mental fitness, I have to admit, was new to me at first, but then I got really used to it. It just rolls right off the tongue. But um you use it very intentionally. And so for someone that's hearing that for the first time, how is mental fitness different from mental health?

Mental Fitness Versus Mental Health

SPEAKER_01 2:51

Great question. So I always like to say that mental fitness is a subcategory of mental health in the same way that physical fitness is a subcategory of physical health. So it's really about pro doing proactive behaviors that build wellness in your mind, that really help you build a mindset to achieve your goals with vigor and consistency over time. So if you go to the gym to work out your body, we often do that not just to look good, but to feel good so that we can live our lives, parent our children, run around after our work, do all these things and do that for as long as possible while feeling as good as possible. Most people don't realize that the same kinds of exercises that we have going on for our body, we can do for our mind. And these exercises help us feel more resilient, more focused, more positive, all in service of the goals that we have for our lives, whether they're, you know, to be more present or to, you know, be the next big blogger.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

So you're actually training the brain like a muscle.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Exactly.

The “Ruckflow” Story And Humor

SPEAKER_00 3:59

Right? Well, okay, so I have I have to bring this up. You've you've shared a story about what you call ruckflow. And and it's a let me tell the listeners, in case you haven't seen it yet, I'm gonna make sure and put it in the show notes. That's hilarious. But it's a moment when uh stress spikes and your brain short circuits, and you say or do something you instantly regret. So I I love that you teach brain science through something so human. And it's kind of embarrassing too. But what are those what are those moments happen how do they why do they happen so fast? And humor seems to actually make it easier to learn from them instead of shutting down, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:46

Yeah. So we all say and do things that we feel embarrassed about over time. And humor is an incredible tool because basically what it can do is if you can learn how to laugh at yourself within these embarrassing moments. And for those uh who haven't seen the video, I had a moment during my internship where for weeks I was calling what was apparently a workflow assignment a ruckflow, R-U-C-K-F-L-O-W. And this blonde girl was running around this big bank in New York with emails galore to very, very senior people, um, thinking that what I was working on was a super secret project you couldn't find on the internet. Um, when I really just misheard my boss from Brooklyn who was saying workflow. So, so the second I realized that this happened, this like very embarrassing aha moment, um, obviously there was like a big panic. And um, I had called one of my brothers who just said you should, you know, control F the situation. For those who aren't familiar, control F finds the same one word in a document. Um he's like, delete it and then replace it with workflow and go on with your life. Um, and the story, what started as like one of the more shameful moments of my life because it was one of the first professional moments where I really thought I was over before I began, you know, in the working world, um, became this like really funny story that I could then start sharing with colleagues and direct reports and people I worked with as a way to show that not only am I human, but it also helped me feel a lot better about the situation because humor can help you rewire the association you have with a situation from a pattern of shame whenever I thought of a mistake to a pattern of this is about to be funny. This is about to be something I can use, this is a growth moment. Um, and so there's a research scientist called Joe George Bonanno who talks about something called post-traumatic growth. That there are some people who leave a situation and even though they didn't choose for it to happen, are able to actually find a reason why it could have happened for them and they grow from it. PTG, it's called. And so I always say that humor is an incredible way to build PTG, post-traumatic growth, into a very, very embarrassing, humiliating moment. Um, so yeah, that's my run flow story. Just own it. Own it and then tell it and use it everywhere you can. Milk it, baby.

What Winning The Moment Really Means

SPEAKER_00 7:15

That's what I always tell my tell my kids. If you mess up, that's how you learn, and you just gotta lean into it, like opening a door. And that yeah, they always loved visuals. Now you talk about um winning the moment. So for our listeners, it doesn't mean uh and correct me if I'm wrong, Lizzie, but I I don't think that it means perfection. It means uh interrupting the automatic reaction. And so in is that correct or good question.

SPEAKER_01 7:49

So winning the moment actually has a lot more to do with this pro so I talk a lot about this idea that you know when you're in a moment of stress, you can absolutely interrupt that moment um with all sorts of tools that help rewire your mental patterns so that you can process that moment differently. Um winning the moment, though, as I talk about it in my practice, actually has a lot more to do with getting closer to your goals. So this is about really taking a pause and grabbing a pen and writing down the absolute smallest thing that you can do in order to move you closer to your goals. With the idea being that today we tend to spin, we tend to spiral, we tend to overwhelm. And all of a sudden, we're either in this very, very stressed state, um, your lower brain, as you had referenced, you know, before our call, where you're in your fight or flight and you can't think clearly, um, and therefore you're stuck, or we're operating beautifully. And what I learned from my own experience was that I kept getting stuck in these lower brain, you know, scary states where I was so stressed, I felt like I couldn't win anything. And I'd kind of shut down. And so winning the moments about writing down the single smallest thing you can do, not get outside and walk for 30 minutes. It's it's stand up. Um, and then letting yourself feel good about simply writing that one decision down. Because when you write that decision down, you hit the dopamine receptor, you feel good, if you let yourself feel good. Uh, it builds motivation to actually do the thing. And very quickly you can get unstuck. And so winning the moment could be as simple as taking a breath if you're having a panic moment. It could be as simple as I want to write a book, I can't write a book, I haven't done it for years. Pam, you're a beautiful writer, and I can't wait to read some of your short stories. But a lot of people write, I'm gonna write my book today, right? And then all of a sudden they get stuck, they don't do it, and years go by. It's I'm gonna open up a document. Um, and then you feel good about that one task. And I can't tell you how many people I, including myself and how many moments, days, and goals I've unlocked by simply learning how to win the moment, which is make the decision and feel good about the decision in itself and let that be a moment of feeling good.

unknown 10:19

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

You know, that's so foundational to everything delay the binge is about, because delay the binge comes from the plus one theory, which we talked about before recording. But the plus one theory is doing your best plus one more, you know, a small shift away from the default. But it just, it's it's the center of all that we are learning. You know, my listeners and I, we're we're just trying to learn how the brain works, how it, how we can best perform when we have unhealthy habits. And the pause that you're talking about is the, you know, the win the moment is is very much like the pause, where it gives your brain a moment to stop and bring that frontal cortex back online so that you can ask yourself, why do I, why am I doing this again? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 11:09

And this is where really taking a moment to make a decision about what's one tiny thing you can do differently changes absolutely everything. Because, you know, I was just working with a mom who works full-time while also taking care of her kids. And for her, the the to-dos are I need to find a new job, I need to, you know, get to a place where I'd love to be home with my kids. Everything's so big. Our brain loves big bites. I always say that. We love talking about the marathon, but we don't want to talk about the one step or the lacing up our shoes. Um, and so, yeah, finding those small plus one moments. I love that. Um, and and really letting yourself feel good about even thinking about the plus one is where all of a sudden you really can unlock magic for your psychology, for your actions and your outcomes.

Physiology Of Stress And The Pause

SPEAKER_00 12:01

Well, and just being curious and educate yourself about how to do this, because a lot of times when you're so exhausted mentally, you think, I don't want to incorporate anything else. But it's the old patterns, the old behaviors that are in the way. So you have to pause or be in the moment so that you can understand what that is so that you can replace it with a better, healthier habit option. Absolutely. Well, so let me give some examples. So sometimes the win is just not sending a text, right? Or taking one breath or not saying the thing your stress wants to say, or uh when stress spikes, what's happening, what's happening in the brain in that split second?

Lower Brain Shortcuts And Traps

SPEAKER_01 12:47

Yeah. So when it spikes. Yeah. What's really, really interesting is your body, when you get activated, triggered, nervous, stressed, um, you, you're, you're bored, so you're distracting. It's any of these emotions that make you want to do something maybe you shouldn't be doing. Um, you tend to, uh, and it depends on which one of those emotions you're feeling. Let's just take being triggered as the initial example. Something triggers you. You get really upset. Um, I was just in the middle of a move and I mentioned I'm pregnant, hormonal. Uh, we had this whole plan of how things were gonna go. And my husband decides to like change the plan. Normally it wouldn't upset me, but like hormones are raging. I'm exhausted, and we're in the middle of a blizzard, and I'm like immediately triggered and activated. I was like, oh my gosh, we're never gonna get this done. Um, and what happens in those moments is that we have a spike of cortisol and adrenaline in our body, which is a physiological response. Now, a lot of people will say, like, well, calm down, which sounds like a decision. But the problem is that's a cognitive choice, not a physiological one. And so in those moments, in order to calm yourself down, you basically want to try to do something else, which is why breathing, yes, can bring more oxygen into your body. The the act of breathing for 60 to 90 seconds physiologically can calm you down. But the reason why I talk about winning the moment is in Western society, uh call taking that pause is difficult. It's not a pattern most of us have in our lives, period. So when we're physiologically activated, most of us don't think I'm gonna take a beat again, because again, you're having this physiological response. So a physical action to start to decelerate you is to write something. And when you're writing something, you're using your working memory, which is the cognitive system that holds and processes information in real time. And you can't run two demanding processes simultaneously. So trying to fight off a bear or tiger, or in this case, this very, very expensive emotion, which is anger, it's expensive, you know, cognitively expensive to be angry and physiologically anger uh expensive, um, it can't run two processes. So by simply writing something down, going, pausing, writing something down, hey, I need to get one box from this room to the next, all of a sudden I'm able to decelerate because I moved my working memory into a new area, because I gave my body time to relax, because just by stepping out of the room, I'm breathing, and all of a sudden I'm in a really cool spot to be able to come back to that conversation and not react because my body has calmed down. So it allows you to be proactive instead of reactive. Exactly. Exactly. And when we're reactive in that state, we're in what uh a psychologist named Dr. Bill Crawford calls our lower brain, which is really far from our neocortex, which is what we're talking about, which is all the good thinking happens. Um and we are using patterns and shortcuts to make decisions when we're stressed. And so those patterns tend to be negative, they tend to be extreme or catastrophic. We have a lot of these thinking traps we use so that we can not use even more energy that our body doesn't have in those moments. And so all of a sudden, our decision making tends to be patterned based on the past, not based on what's actually happening now. And all of a sudden, where we find ourselves often in situations where we're stressed when we react that actually get blown out of control because they have nothing to do with what happened. It has to do with what your body ended up reacting to, thinking it was a threat.

SPEAKER_00 16:34

So well, and I learned just the other day about the lower brain, and it it is the fight or flight, and it is very short term with its solutions and helping you. It doesn't think long term, in other words. Is that accurate? Is that correct? That's correct.

SPEAKER_01 16:51

Because basically it's your survival instinct. It's make this threat go away, make this person go away. And so this is where the fight, flight freeze comes in. Um, you know, some people get stressed and they just shut down. You know, some people fight, you know, all of a sudden there's a whole bunch of words that come up, or you know, they get like, you know, activated physically. Um, and then for other people, they literally want to run away and they retreat. They are, you know, they try to avoid the situation. And so um, yeah, it's all about survival. And the survival that used to be about, you know, us physically surviving a physical threat is now a psychological form of survival. Um and so our brain is trying to protect us. And that's where, again, getting out of this survival state, out of your lower brain, so you can transform all your thinking up here takes a little time, takes a little work, and it takes often this distraction.

SPEAKER_00 17:49

Well, and a unique awareness. I mean, because that's what I'm finding is that everyone is truly unique in their situation, their job, in whatever their issues that they're struggling with, that they're trying to avoid. It's all very unique. But you can, if you, if you understand the brain, like I just learned something, and I would love for you to to talk on it a little bit, that the lower brain does not uh is does not help you, is not in charge of speech, like for us to talk. So if you say out loud, it will bring the frontal part, this, this part of your brain online, because if you say, you know, I am I am not going to do this unhealthy thing out loud, that it takes, it overrides the lower brain telling you to do it.

Speak It Out And Regain Control

SPEAKER_01 18:37

Which is why a lot of times, um, and actually have a video coming out on this shortly, but we talk about when you're triggered, like what are your steps? Um, step one is to, you have to notice, but step two is to actually say, I'm triggered, like speak that out loud. And then you start counting objects around the room. I have beads, I have on a bracelet. And again, that physiologically creates space to calm you down, moves your working memory into a new task so you have time to decelerate and move into, again, a new part of your brain so that you can then come back with the right kind of space that your brain needs to process a situation. Um so yeah, it's it's it's really fascinating. And once you start to learn this, the hardest part is like, but how? Um I'm reading this book uh called Bringing Up Bibe about this woman who raised her children in France and how French parenting has informed the way that she has chosen to parent um her kids. And people have been talking a lot about this book in my friend group. So I read it and I was laughing because there's a uh theory called Le Pause, where it's like a sexy way to say, like, when your baby's crying, you pause um and let them try to self-soothe for a little bit before you run over and help them. And I just kept having this thought, Pam, of like, we're all just kind of babies with more bills and stress. Like, you know, like we we as groanies need, that's what my sister calls grown-ups to her kids. Like, we as groonies need le pause. Like we need a pause. And then we need techniques to help us kind of move past these moments so we can move from lower to upper in our brain and get to a place where we feel confident, clear, and excited about what we have to share back. Um, or basically, more simply, we feel proud of how we showed up, even in a hard situation. And finding le pose or whatever you want to call that, um, is beautiful. And again, you know, grabbing your pen, writing something down, feeling good about that thing is really what winning the moment is all about and really what I have become obsessed with because it just works.

Frameworks: Stop Slow Go And Feedback Maps

SPEAKER_00 20:44

You know, that's that's one thing I appreciate about your work is that you don't just explain the brain, you know, from some neuroscience techie way. You build structure around it. You stop, slow, go, right? Exactly. So name it, frame it, fix it. So for listening so good. I told you I did my research, I did my homework, and I love it. Getting deeper and deeper, like, wow, she really she's amazing. Thank you, Pam. So for listeners who haven't seen those um uh videos, I these are practical frameworks, all right, for uh navigating high stress conversations and reactions. So why does structure help when the brain feels overwhelmed?

SPEAKER_01 21:33

It kind of, I mean, there's a lot of reasons, but one of my favorites, we're just gonna go back to working memory, which is something we've just started talking about, which is just as part of the brain that allows you to be processing information at like only so much information at a time. It can only hold so much information at a time. This is why a lot of times you hear consultants say, Well, there's three reasons why X, Y, Z is happening, or the news anchor says, you know, I have three news stories because our brains They believe can only really hold between three and five pieces of information at a time. And so when I say to you, hey, Pam, I've got this amazing way for you to think about managing the rhythm of your mind on a day-to-day basis. Let me explain to you the science of how that's gonna work. You're gonna be like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to hear it. Now tell me. I could talk at you for 40 minutes. You're not gonna remember, you're gonna remember maximum three to five things, probably one. And so for me, if I can basically come back and bring a visual that is one thing for you to remember many things, that works. And that's what I've seen. A lot of my stuff is a little cheesy, but it's meant to be memorable, like stop, slow, go. It's a stop light. So red, yellow, green. Your brain needs to stop slow and go every day in order to feel good. And all of a sudden things kind of go. And so I want people to always be able to, if they don't, they don't need to memorize my stuff, but I want them to be able to kind of remember, oh, there's a framework. Name it, frame it, discuss it, fix it. That's gonna help me give feedback in this moment when I'm panicked. And again, trying to remember that brings you to a much better place than, oh my God, I have to give feedback. I don't want to do this. This is emotional. It's oh, there's an a map. Um, there's a way for me to do this. And your brain does dislikes uncertainty. I have a video on ghosting that talks specifically about that, why ghosting is a specific form of torture. Um, and so in an effort to give it a plan, that's what those frameworks are all about.

SPEAKER_00 23:29

It's all about safety, right? Helping the nervous system feel safe. And I find that when I my when when I feel safe, it seems like I can uh absorb more, retain more. My brain is inspires differently. I mean, or else I would have never remembered any of those things watching on your video, but I felt comfortable because of the humor and your natural way of speaking about it. So I felt safe, you know?

SPEAKER_01 23:56

Yeah, no, I appreciate you saying that. That's what that's what we're going for.

Why Structure Calms An Overloaded Mind

SPEAKER_00 24:01

Yeah. And so you explain um that the brain processes critical feedback in the same region that registers physical pain. I was real interested in that. It's pretty powerful. So why does feedback feel physically uncomfortable sometimes, even when we know, you know, it's it's constructive?

Feedback Feels Like Pain And How To Share It

SPEAKER_01 24:24

Yeah. Well, I I think it really all comes back to three things to come back to framing, right? Because we only remember three. The first is it really matters how that feedback is shared. And oftentimes the person giving feedback um doesn't necessarily share it in a way that shares intention, which is the why or the reason that they're trying to help you. Um, two, they share it at the end of the day or as part of another conversation. So it's surprising. Uh, and then three, that information tends to be shared almost like a like a firebomb over the fence and then they run, right? It's like a, hey, by the way, here's one thing. And so as a result, we feel surprised. It's not shared with that like loving intention. And therefore, yeah, it's really it can feel hurtful. Um, and so that's the first thing is that the way it's delivered really matters about the way that we receive it. Um, the second is that many of us are people pleasers, we're perfectionists, and we're really focused on being right. And this is why a learning mindset in your life, I joke, if there's one secret plan for your brain explained, which is my channel or my company mindy, it's teaching people how to have a better sense of humor and approach to themselves in the same way that they would a topic they don't know anything about. You know, you'd show up with a beginner's mindset, be willing to learn and tell jokes. Most of us take ourselves too seriously. Um, and so when someone gives us feedback, we we think it's like an attack on our character, on how we show up, or we think we're failing at pleasing them. Um, and so it becomes this much bigger judgment when often it is actually just about, hey, you made a spelling mistake, or hey, you know, you did this, you said this thing and it hurt my feelings. Um, it's actually not about who you are. Um, and then last but not least, I think the big thing with feedback is that most of us don't expect it, which is like crazy. Um, it's kind of like expecting a system to get better without like having conversations about improvement. Um, you know, I went to MIT, we talked a lot about operations, and you need feedback loops and a and a dedicated dedication to continual improvement. And in order to get continual improvement, you need feedback from your customers, you need feedback from the system, and you need feedback from your financials. And so humans, we don't necessarily have a system, we don't necessarily have customers, we don't necessarily have financials. And so then it's really about your stakeholders. And so expecting feedback, if you want to get better, if you're surrounded by people you trust, should just be a part of the equation. And um, yeah, most of us don't.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

Yeah, and you have to be open to that. And but when you talk about the inner critic, I guess it's is it the same part of the brain as the lower brain that we've been talking about? Because if not, they should be best friends, you know?

SPEAKER_01 27:22

Yeah. So our inner critic tends to show up when we're in more of a panicked phase. Um, I have a video on that as well, but but the inner critic, I I always joke, you know, there's a a theory now called um internal family systems, which is that every part of us basically um serves a role and that this critic in our head tends to come from an evolutionarily adaptive place, which is um maybe this critic helped us, you know, get off the couch and and make better choices so that we lost weight that we needed to lose. You know, I had weight to lose in my 20s that I gained very quickly. Um, and the person was like, hey, Lissy. I said she's a mean cheerleader. I call her pissy. She's like, get off the couch, come on, we're better than this, right? Aggressive cheerleader, not like bad, but in my 30s, she's now like my inner critic. She's constantly chitter-chattering for me. Um, and so uh it's less about, yes, when I'm in my stress state, she shows up more. Um, but these voices and these parts of ourselves show up all the time. It's about learning how to, as I say, see your thoughts, not be your thoughts, or create metacognition so that you can see them and then choose whether or not you want to engage. Um, and when you're stressed, it's really hard to create metacognition or space from your thoughts. You tend to you're exhausted. You know, you don't so exhausted.

SPEAKER_00 28:50

Right. And my inner critic, it gets very loud sometimes. And I just, I'm a visual, visual person. So I just I try to visualize my inner critic like wearing a little hard hat and yelling, I'm just trying to help you, Pam. Oh my gosh. But how do we retrain that voice without trying to silence it? Because it is just trying to protect you, right? Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

The Inner Critic And Distant Self Talk

SPEAKER_01 29:18

And I think this is where the the first step is noticing it. Um, and I know that feels so simple, but this is where self-awareness is a practice, I always say. Um, noticing that voice and by naming it is the first step. So, again, for me, this inner critic is pissy. She shows up when I tend to be tired, exhausted, hormonal, and she's chattering at me about why I shouldn't be taking a nap in the middle of the day. Um, noticing is the first step. And then, hey, whether it's dialoguing with yourself, dialoguing on a page by writing it out, what's happening, distancing yourself from those thoughts and saying, Hey, li pissy in this case, thank you so much for your feedback on the nap. According to research and the past, 20 minutes is gonna do me good. I appreciate you showing up, but for right now, I'm gonna lie down and take 20. Being able to engage with yourself at that level is a skill. It's called distant self-talk. And it's something athletes do all the time on the field. They miss a shot, all of a sudden they're still in the game. They don't get to take that pause, take a deep breath, and all of a sudden, hey, stay focused on the right things. Um, but again, that's a practice. And sometimes it's helpful to externalize it by writing first, as opposed to being able to do that in your head. And that's what I started to practice doing. Once I started noticing the voice, I would sit down and say, you know, write down what she was saying. And I'm like, that's not so nice, girl. I don't think I need that right now. It's like, what else is true? And that's the the what else is true is kind of like the next evolution of that practice.

SPEAKER_00 30:52

Yeah, we we teach a lot about the brain dump, which is we, we are big at I'm a big advocate for journaling. But a brain dump is when you just can't sleep and you're exhausted, but you have all these things rolling around in your head. So you just write everything down, even it's just one word, uh, laundry, you know, pick up the kids, cook dinner, blah, blah, blah, or whatever it is. You write it all down. And I do this every night. I write it all down to get it out of my head. And then I, you know, I pick one, maybe two that are priority that have to be done right away, but the rest I just let it go. And then I'm able to relax.

SPEAKER_01 31:28

Which is amazing. And that's not to be a cheese ball here, but to tie it together. This is when you're winning the moment when you do that, right? You've got the swirl, you write it down, you just write down what's going on. And that brain dump, as you called it, in itself is winning. Like that in itself is an actual to-do that's gonna help start to process your thoughts differently.

SPEAKER_00 31:50

Well, um, this is so interesting. I love, I could probably talk to you all day, but I do want to get to my favoritist part. I mean, because the plus one theory is always about kindness, right? It's about doing your best plus one more with kindness because I believe firmly it's a superpower for both the giver and the receiver. And so you've made a distinction between being nice and being kind. Nice maintains comfort, kind does what's in someone's best interest. So, how does that apply internally? I mean, do you think it's a superpower? I guess that's my question. And what does it do to the brain, the kindness?

Brain Dumps, Journaling, And Small Wins

SPEAKER_01 32:32

Yeah, so I think this idea that niceness is about maintaining comfort. Um, I think a lot of us are nice to ourselves. I think this like mantra of treat yourself has become really big online, you know? It's sweet treat o'clock. I deserve it. You know, like I went to work all day. You know, now I like I took care of my kids. I'm like still living, I paid a bill, and like now I deserve. That's being nice. This idea of being kind, which is like really investing in the betterment of you. Yes, you should be nice to yourself. It's about being honest with yourself, which is yeah, treat yourself by all means. And are you getting closer to your goals on a day-to-day basis? Can you use that level of honesty with yourself to then start to achieve what you want to achieve for the long term, which sometimes creates short-term discomfort, both with yourself and being honest about what you need and what you want, and then also discomfort in your routine, meaning you might not be able to watch the Netflix show because you went to the gym and your night's happening a little later, or you decided to work and write a little bit on, you know, in your journal or for your book. Um, and so I always say, I think that this generation upcoming and our conversation has a lot to do uh with being nice to ourselves, which is so important. And so many people haven't been nice to themselves. So it's a beautiful step in the right direction. But true kindness is working towards your purpose. And if you don't know what your purpose is, working to figure that out. Um and so I always like to say that um we have a mental fitness benchmark score. Um, so everything I do, we try to make it a little quantitative so people can like treat it like a game so that you can visualize it and you can start to really understand how things work. And heart, which is knowing, caring for, and grounding yourself, which, as soft as that may sound, is actually the most important part of mental fitness. It's knowing, caring, and grounding for yourself is a multiplier for your mental state. When you are doing things that are aligned with what matters to you, not just in the second, but in the big picture, it is way easier to manage an optimistic, positive, thoughtful mindset. It is way easier to manage stress. And so being kind to yourself is about really practicing that heart, which fun fact, your heart sends more signals to your head than your head sends to your heart. Oh, heart sends more signals to your head than your head sends to your heart every day. So how you feel has a greater impact on what you think than what you think has on how you feel. So this is where all of a sudden being kind starts to activate not only feeling better, but thinking better too.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

So much to cover. I love that the heart. I I didn't know that, to be honest with you. That's nobody does.

Nice Versus Kind: Choosing Long-Term You

SPEAKER_01 35:30

It's new research that came out in 1990 from a company called Heart Math. They have a beautiful paper on this. And it's it makes complete sense, right? This is why we we say these things and we've said for for centuries, when you're if your heart's not in it, you know what I mean? Like you gotta get out of the game. It's like we know, um, yeah, that when we're feeling good, we think good. But so often today we overvalue our thoughts and we discount our feelings. And not all feelings are true, which makes, again, our bodies these like really complex, interesting things that need to be studied, right? Not we don't need to get it right. We don't need to understand them and set it and forget it. You're just constantly learning. Um by staying curious.

SPEAKER_00 36:14

I just I'm a oh, it's so important to stay curious and try to figure it out, you know, troubleshoot it. You know, um, but this the self-talk, you know, can sometimes feel harsh and but it's like my husband, right? He he and I have been married for um 30 years. Wow. Yes. And what's the secret? I'm about to tell you. Please, because he is um just blunt and he doesn't sugarcoat anything. And I am very sensitive. I wear my heart out here on my sleeve, you know. So when we were first married, I was crying, I was probably crying the first three years. Because instead of saying, instead of wearing the yellow dress, why don't you wear that red one? It looks so nice. He just says the yellow makes you look really fat, you know?

SPEAKER_01 37:04

And you're just like, there's 12 ways to say it. And that was the 13th. I didn't even know that that was an option.

SPEAKER_00 37:11

But he thought he was being helpful. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 37:13

It was harsh.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

But now I appre I learned how to appreciate it. So if if I could give you the best advice on Mary since you're newly married, please, there's one word, it's acceptance. Because if you try to change your man, your husband, it's just you're gonna be disappointed over and over. You need to accept who he really is and help him thrive under that.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:38

And it will work, I promise. That's what I had to learn.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

How do we balance accepting who somebody is with evolution and how they change as they move forward? And I'm curious, I don't know if you have any answers for that.

Heart To Head Signals And Meaning

SPEAKER_00 37:51

I know that's a big question and we gotta wrap up, but no, it's it's a state, uh it's a st it's a state of being curious and educating yourself and accepting the fact that we do change as we, you know, as we become. It's a it's just a part of becoming. And that is learning and improving and using all of your mistakes to be stronger. And yes, it you evolve into something better and just learn to appreciate that in your spouse because grow with him, you know, not separate. Yeah. And if you don't accept something, if you don't like it, say it. Talk it out, you know, you know, just talk it out. So um, I know we do need to start, but wrapping up, but w let's talk about patterns a little bit more, and then I promise I'll let you go. But one of the reasons I care so much about patterns is because um initiation is exciting, maintenance is not. And I'm so passionate about maintenance coming after the action. I'm sorry, motivation coming after the action. Because maintenance is everyone waits on maintenance from they wait for the motivation. I'm gonna get it there. They wait for the motivation to maintain or sustain what they've accomplished. And if they don't, then they start over. So maintenance has to be inspired, right? Whether it's weight, leadership, emotional regulation. Starting strong is one thing, but repeating strong when stress returns is another. So, from a brain perspective, why is maintenance harder than initiation?

Acceptance, Growth, And Honest Talk

SPEAKER_01 39:40

Yeah, it's a great question. And I'm also very visual, and I like to think about it this way. So let's just pretend I have to get from one side of the forest to the other side of the forest. Many people think that that looks like a straight line. I'm just gonna walk right through the forest and get to the other side. It's a mile. What's the problem? You know, I got my flashlight, let's go. The issue is there's trees in the way, there's bushes in the way in the form of distractions, cinnamon rolls that come with your chili for free, hypothetically, like it did the other day. You know, there's all these things that pop up along the way and we don't plan for them. And when you're building new behaviors, you're literally building new neural pathways, which takes energy. Your brain takes up 2% of your body weight, between 20 and 30% of the energy you burn every day. So when you're tired, it might feel like you have all the energy in the world to get from one side of the forest to the other, but all of a sudden, you know, something shows up, a bush, and you're like, Yeah, I'm just gonna lie down or go back. I'm good. And that is normal because we don't plan for these things. And this is why this caught this is again cognitively expensive to create something new. Repetitive behavior is the only way to really start to build that motivation over time because you're used to, oh, all I have to do is just sidestep this and it'll be okay. There's just one or two trees in the way. But my obsession with this concept of win the moment is that it's really hard to be like, well, there could have, there's, there's only 20 bushes left that I have to navigate and potentially a bear on the other side of this. It's all I need to do is just take this next moment right now. And if I missed the moment yesterday or today, that's okay. I can win the moment right now. What's the smallest, tiniest thing that I can decide to do? And by the way, you don't even have to do it. Just make the decision because that is the smallest amount of effort that you can take to start to get what I call the perspiration going and the momentum happening.

SPEAKER_00 41:37

Okay, so I want to make sure I get this right, and I'm pretty sure everyone else does, but I just want to so small, repeated shifts, not big dramatic reinventions, actually help rewire patterns over time. Correct? Is that what you're saying? Is that what you mean? Yep.

SPEAKER_01 41:54

The one ingredient missing is so there's, as we call it, it's inspiration. So a lot of us don't have that. So let's just pretend that's gone. It's perspiration. So it's finding the smallest effort that you can take. It's celebration, feeling good about that effort. And in this case, just the decision to, hey, I'm gonna walk for five minutes and then feeling good, like, wow, that's a goal. And I just set it and it's doable. And then you start seeing results. So it's perspiration, celebration, results. And then all of a sudden the inspiration will start to come. You see that person on Instagram and they're talking about running, and you're like, maybe I'll, maybe I'll actually try running for a minute today. Yeah, I'm gonna write that down. I'm gonna run for a minute. But most people think it's inspiration, perspiration, celebration, results. I get inspired, I do the action, I celebrate it, and then I get results. No, no, no. It's exactly what you said. You do the action. I think the action can be a decision. And that in itself, lower the bar and then feel good about it, which is what most of us don't do. We only feel good after we've gotten back to our quote unquote high school running routine. You know, forget that. It's decision, celebration, results.

Maintenance Beats Initiation Over Time

SPEAKER_00 43:04

Yeah, because I always feel motivated after I run or after I walk. I don't run, I walk. But you know, if it's bad weather outside, I don't want to go, but I go anyway. And then when I come back, I feel so motivated to do it again the next day.

unknown 43:20

You know?

SPEAKER_01 43:20

And you're like, I can't believe I ever thought that I wouldn't do this thing.

SPEAKER_00 43:24

Mm-hmm. Pass me so maintenance is a it maintenance is a missing piece. Like I had, I'm a I'm a postbariatric patient. And so I wish they taught me a lot of things about nutrition and about what to expect and my new how to transition into my new way of eating, but they never once taught me maintenance. And I think that's just critical, critical in in a journey like that. And so I'm very passionate about talking about maintenance with anyone on it on anything.

SPEAKER_01 43:54

I'm also passionate because I get a lot of people who want to hit reset on their life. And I said there's no such thing. Is reset, it's happening right now.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Oh my gosh. I know. Just and don't waste it. That's what I mean by using what you've learned, even if it's mistakes or or challenges. Don't start over. Just use what you've already accomplished and then move from there. You know, and and you're not broken, you're not failed, and it isn't isn't even really willpower. You know? Well, so we're going to um try to end. You've navigated pregnancy. You're working on it. Moving, uh, and build still building and thriving with your company. So real life while building mental fitness. So what does mental fitness look like for you personally right now? Not theoretically, but practically.

SPEAKER_01 44:50

Yeah. So it's really um about besides winning the moment, obviously, moment to moment. Um, every day I'm thinking about stops logo. So recovery, am I letting my brain rest? Cross-training, am I doing something to teach my brain a new pattern and think differently? And then score. Am I letting myself clock the winds, the things that I actually am accomplishing every day? And so what that looks like in practice is walking every day without my headphones or cooking without my headphones, no podcasts, no music. Really allowing my brain while I'm awake to process all the information and interactions I have. Two, when it comes to cross-training these days, it's everything from art to reading to drawing. And then three, it's, and by the way, also cooking, I play chopped in my kitchen. Fun fact. So I literally go grocery shopping with like a general picture of what could happen, but then I look in my fridge and I say, okay, let's do this fruit loops, chicken, and you know what? Just kidding. But you know, we have some fun in the kitchen. And then last but not least is scoring. So every single day I'm writing down my wins. And I have an app at Mindy that basically helps you stop slow go every day so that no matter what moment of the day you're in, you can win the moment by writing down the one thing that you need to do. And then we've got all sorts of other exercises in there to help activate different parts of your brain.

SPEAKER_00 46:12

Thank you so much for that. Because that was going to be my next question that, you know, with anyone listening who feels stretched or broken, and what's one small mental fitness practice they could do? But you just gave us many. So go back to this part, to that part so you can hear it over and over again. And I would say, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 46:33

I would say winning the moment, though, just every day writing down one small thing you can do to get close to your goals and so small it's silly, and then feeling good about that thing, that's the best thing you can do to get started.

Momentum: Perspiration, Celebration, Results

SPEAKER_00 46:46

Thank you so much. Lizzie, thank you. Uh what I appreciate about your work is that you make the brain less mysterious, helps us all figure it out, and you replace the shame, all right, with structure. And that's powerful. Thank you for bringing your thinking and your humor into this conversation. I'm really glad we did this, and for everyone listening, winning the moment doesn't mean perfection. Sometimes it's just it just means one small pause, one small shift, one breath, and we'll see you next week.