How to Navigate Life Transitions Without Spiraling (Too Much)

In this episode, we’re diving deep into the challenging yet transformative world of life transitions. We discuss the different types of transitions, pitfalls vs. peace of mind that comes with navigating change, and why we often get stuck in the past instead of moving forward. Plus, we explore how these transitions can unlock major personal growth and reward. 

• Join the conversation: What life transition are you currently navigating, and how it is going for you? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
• Follow us on TikTok and Instagram @generationalteapod, watch us on YouTube, and listen to us wherever you get your podcasts!
• Intro music by Cymatix
• Graphic by @makariann
• Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com

Transcript

0:12

Welcome, welcome to the Generational Tea Podcast. I'm Ronnie. And I'm Kena. And we are so excited you guys have joined us again. Yep, and thank you to everyone that showed us love and watched our first few episodes over our first full week of being podcasting duo. So we really appreciate anyone that listened and gave us some positive feedback. Yeah. We've got a good episode I'm really excited about We're always going through life's transitions in one way or another. But I think we're both going through big transitions right now. So that's why we wanted to do this episode. And it was actually Ronnie's idea. Yeah, it's exciting to me. it was a good time for me to reflect back on some things That were difficult to deal with at the time. I think it's good to always go back and kind of grade ourselves And it helps us catch ourselves doing right. When we can look back at a hard season and say, I made it through. It might not have been pretty, but I'm on the other side. I'm on the other side and I managed to not, kill anyone or burn down anybody's home. You know. Whatever it takes. What kind of transitions are you doing? Oh, I'm doing some major transitions. I'm just kidding. I relate to that on a deep level. But yeah, today's episode, we're going to be digging into navigating life's transitions, especially the hard ones. We're going to get into the different types of transitions, common reasons people get stuck in the past, and also pitfalls versus peace of mind when it comes to life's transitions. That's actually a Ronnie coin term right there Yeah, so maybe you can learn from our pitfalls And you can make a piece of transition as we have found that. Yes, for sure. So why this is so important and obviously any topic we cover on this podcast, we want to do to empower women and give them the tools and the information they need to look at their own life and apply it. Obviously. navigating life's transitions is key. I mean, we're gonna have transitions at any point in our lives. They're gonna look different for everybody. But if we're navigating through them as best as we can, our potential for personal growth and the reward for us can be so much higher. And I think anyone that's been through a really hard transition and has handled it with resilience and as positively as they can can agree to that. Would you? Yes. Yes. We just want to give you some practical ways. because you're right. I mean, we're always in the middle of some type of transition, whether that's being in the car, And transitioning from home to work, transitioning from emptiness to not so emptiness. We're back! They're back! yeah, so that's a good subject for us to talk about for just a minute because, as you guys know, if you've listened to our earlier broadcasts, we are podcasts. Broadcast, podcast. Okay. You're gonna, you're gonna take that out, right? No, I'm leaving it in. All these bloopers. That's the power of being the editing co host. Yes, yes, she does. on our launch day we were listening, or you were listening to the episodes downstairs with Jim, and I was up here because I already listened to them when I edited them, and you were like, I don't remember any of this, this is good. I was like, yeah, I told you it was good, man. Yes, yes. and then One of them. I was actually laughing out loud at myself. It's always gotta crack yourself up. Yes, yes, yes. That's a little side note. Laugh at yourself. If you're laughing, people will laugh with you usually. yeah. So it's been very interesting for me because I have never been one. Um, yeah. To want to go back and watch videos or anything that I've done. I just, I like to just. not look back. But I'm learning. This is a big transition for me is learning that I've got to, review what I've done. And I trust Kena emphatically. But it's stretching me for sure, because I would just rather just Do the thing, put it out there and put it out there. What I said, I just hope and pray that I didn't offend anyone. that is the good thing about having your family member be your co host and edit you out is they're stuck with you. So. she's not going to let me fall flat on my face. No. I feel sure about that. I need you. I need you for this podcast. Amongst other things. Lots of content. Well, when we get into these opening questions, we wanted to start off positive because we're going to be talking about Some deep stuff. Yeah, as we as we tend to do. Yeah. What was a win for you this week and why? Okay, a win for me this week. I believe, as we've talked about Kena and our son Weston, they have moved back home for just a short stint, and in between jobs and apartments. And I felt myself two days ago, I think it was Tuesday, that my, anxiety level was just really high that day and I Didn't even know what to do with myself. The win for me was is that instead of me walking in and blowing up at the next thing that Jim did, that got on my nerves, you know, that, undeserved anger that we can, especially as women project onto the most comfortable person in our life that we know we can really be open and honest with, and they're going to love you even more. so this week, the win for me was. I was coming in after a long day, feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, instead of going off on him or getting offended at the first thing that he said to me, I was able to, like, stop in the midst of going down that dark hole, you know, of just the banter back and forth, it's just like one offense leads to the other and on and on, I was able to, like, Stop, gather my thoughts and say to him, this is not about you. This is not between me and you. This is something that I'm dealing with and here's how I need you to help me. And then I gave him like practical things that he could do. That was a win this week. I can blow it. Tonight, I'm sure I will blow it, but for me, that was a win because I was using my words and trying my best not to project my personal thoughts about situations to him because I need to make sure that I'm owning those feelings, and I'm in control of how I react. Yeah. Yeah, and then The part of being responsive instead of reactive. That's always a big win for me. Sounds like a future episode. Yes, yes, yes, for sure. So, well, good job. Let's celebrate that win. Yay. Well, how about you girl? I would say my win was being intentional with my self care because. I tend to just let things build up and then I'll have a mental breakdown and we'll cry to Weston for like six hours and he'll be like, dude, you got to like, get a handle on this before it gets to this point. But that's just so not me. And I think it's because I don't take a lot of time for myself to feel what's going on in my body and my emotions, but I actually went back to Georgia for a couple of days at the beginning of the week to Clean out our old apartment and I didn't get as much done as I wanted to, but I think with some alone time, which I haven't had for a while because we're living here and You know. It is. Sorry. Right. Not as much as loan time as I usually have, but I just realized how much was going on in my body and my mind and I just told myself, like, if you don't get everything done, that's fine. take some time to do things you enjoy, relax, like, really suck up this loan time because it was something I really needed in the moment and usually. I'm the person where I won't do that. I'll just be like, Nope, I have a checklist. Everything needs to get done. So I am proud of myself for listening to what was happening in my body and my mind and giving myself something that I needed cause I was able to come back super refreshed mentally. Yeah. So that's good. Listen to your body. Be intentional with your self care. That's good. Wow. Look at us go. Look at us. All right. Now we're going to get into the tea. What was, Your most difficult life transition and why? Well, it won't take me long. I knew exactly when we talked about this question. I was like, I know exactly when that was. It was 2014. It was the summer of 2014. Um, our older son, Garrett, he had graduated high school and he was going to go away to college early, in July for a program that he applied for. So we moved him to Charleston. In July, the very beginning of July, that same amount of time was when I was in the midst of, some health issues my career was halted as a result of some health issues. So I moved my first child away to college. I lost my job,, lost my health. Tremendous amount of guilt that I felt our family was always very active. We used to joke that Jim doesn't want to do anything unless he could possibly die doing it. And it's true. So our married life and our children, our family life revolved around a lot of activity. And I was dealing with back issues that really just halted that. So, felt very much like I was on an island. I remember that this is crazy because I remember the specific ringtone that I had not just for when my phone rang, but also for my alarm, because I would set my alarm at about two to three 30 in the afternoon that. I need to get up out of the bed and I need to be productive at least out of the bed long enough to see my family when they come home from work and school. So dealing with that, Garrett and I were very close, still are very close. we had a very close relationship. and you'll find you have There's going to be certain ones that you gravitate to for maybe an emotional support. There'll be other ones that you gravitate to when you need to laugh or not take yourself so serious, those kinds of things. And that's Weston. But Garrett and I had a very strong relationship this summer and 2014 was the hardest transition for me. Because I had so many things that were happening at the same time and singularly, they could have been all looked at something positive, but I was unable to see through that. I kept looking back, yearning for what was behind instead of embracing what was ahead. And we'll get into that a little bit later. But, for sure, it was a very difficult time of transition. I was super depressed, slept. All the time. And just existed and that lasted for years. I wish I wish I could say it didn't last a long time, but it did. But that was the start of the snowball. That started. Just rolling down the hill and it got bigger and bigger and bigger. So yeah for sure now I'll tell you my second most difficult transition and that has been this year and my husband I've been at home not working since 2014 So that's ten years that I've had where I've had basically Monday through Friday eight hours a day to myself Especially when Weston moved away as well. So I had a lot of time on my hands, I had space, I had quiet, and then Jim loses his job. So all of a sudden, I go from 10 years of having Monday through Friday, 8 to 5, to myself doing what I want to do. Or what I needed to do, and not really having to coordinate with anyone else. And so, this has been a difficult transition. Obviously for both of us, for my husband in that he was in a job that he loved and had worked at for 34 years, and then all of a sudden it's like gone. So that part and just, you know, trying to be supportive for Jim as he's dealing with this, him trying to navigate being at home, what that looks like, I had to realize really quickly that I cannot be his cruise director. I'm not responsible for his happiness. So. We got that under our belt and things started making a difference. So, kind of in one of the most difficult transitions. I think honestly you and Weston being here is kind of like helped shift our focus a little bit, especially for Jim. Now he has Sawyer that he can play with all day. yeah, yeah, so, anyhow. Very cool. Well, I just want to say I think it's a testament to how strong and resilient you are as a person. In the summer of 2014, you had all those things happen at once, and I think standing alone, they were a major life transition that would have been difficult to navigate through, but the fact that they all coagulated over the course of one summer, I can't imagine dealing with all of that. And so that shows how resilient you are that you made it on the other side. It doesn't matter how long it took and you are the person you are today because of that. Yeah, for sure. I want to applaud you for that. Thank you. Thank you so much. You're welcome. as ladies, we are just so hard on ourselves. We really are for no reason because we be working. That's right. One of my most difficult life transitions is right after college. So I had met Weston, going right into my senior year of college, and we had gotten engaged, and then we actually moved to Texas for three months to follow an internship lead, and then we ended up moving back to Georgia at the end of that summer, but in that time, when we were getting adjusted to living in Georgia, I did not handle that transition well, and it was very difficult for me because I was on the other side of the country. Okay. Okay. Then my family, and growing up as an athlete, I think friends were just like a natural built in part of my lifestyle. I never had to like, get out and do stuff, and make friends in other ways other than being on a sports team. So, I was definitely nostalgic about the past. Like I had such a fun time in college, I had such great friends, but now they weren't accessible to me anymore other than like on the phone. And I think I was kind of miserable and I was in a victim complex a little bit in my mind I was just really struggling and I'm definitely an introverted person. At that time, I also didn't have a very good sense of self worth, too. So it was hard for me to put myself out there and get out of my comfort zone. I was super anxious and depressed, but I didn't really have friends. It was just me and Weston, and we were broke, and we were figuring out life, figuring out marriage. So I think that was definitely a tough transition and it actually took me like two years of living in Georgia being pretty miserable mentally for me to finally put myself out there. And in the next year, I actually made a lot of new friends. I built a little community and Georgia started to feel like home and I built happiness. But I also spent two years Being miserable when I could have navigated that transition better, I think. But I also didn't really know better at that point. So I think that was just the time it took for me to grow, to get out of my comfort zone. And I also got on medication as well for my depression, and that was a game changer as well. So, maybe we can talk about that in another episode. But, that was definitely my toughest transition to date so far. And see, I knew it was hard, but I had no idea it was that hard. I knew that you were having a hard time like connecting with other women. You were also, in a big job. Like you were running two locations of a business. So yeah. Yep. But it's interesting. I'm excited to talk about all the stuff that we have prepared for today. And it's interesting to hear from you what your most difficult life transition was. Cause I'm familiar with like your story and all that, but I don't think I've heard you talk about it in depth. So it's probably not. Yeah. And you haven't heard me talk about that transition. So you think, you know, everything we're discovering all kinds of good stuff. All right. Ronnie came across this, and it's four types of transitions, and we found this according to Gemma Brown coaching, and she's a personal and business life coach, and I think she's got some good insights as far as those different stages of transitions that we go through in our life. Yeah, so the first transition that she talks about is, anticipated transition. so these are things that you are expecting in your adult life. things like a graduating college, getting a job and then maybe getting a really good job, finding your mate, having Children. All those things are expected transitions. And so All transitions are not, negative. Yeah.

Ronnie G: 17:21

that's the thing that we want to try to focus on is the positive side of transitions and how to do it better maybe today after listening to us versus the way you might have done it yesterday before listening to us Yeah. Unanticipated transitions are what they sound like. They're unplanned or events that didn't really factor into your life's vision or your life's plan. So, for example, maybe a sudden illness. A car accident, some kind of other accident, a breakup you didn't see coming, ouch, a premature death that was totally unexpected, so things like that, and I think the unexpected ones tend to be the most devastating. Yes, yes. Also the unexpected transitions can sometimes be just things occurring in a non linear way. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Like. Everybody wants to graduate college, get a good job, all that. You graduate college, you struggle for two years to find a good job. In the midst of all that, you find out you're pregnant. Those good jobs in pregnancy and birth and all that, can be positive. But sometimes a lot of our disappointments are in the transitions that we don't expect because of the timeline. I think obviously we are all as humans still so driven by time. And when we look forward, we Like to anticipate what's going to happen, and I think that's just good, smart human things to do. It's our human nature to try and anticipate what's coming next. Right, but when they happen out of order, that part can be difficult. It makes something that you wanted and you wished for maybe happen unexpectedly, and so now all the positive thoughts that you had about it are out the window because Oh, well, I definitely wanted to have kids, but I wasn't expecting that to happen the first year of marriage or while I am still in college. So those kind of things is what we're talking about with unexpected transitions. I think we can't put too much stock in our timelines, right? You're exactly right. Because they, they will change. and I think that part of just like. Managing expectations. we're gonna sound like we say the same thing every time, but It's so true. You know, managing your own expectations. not having to stick to a certain rigid guideline. Yeah. And a lot of that happens as we get older anyways. But, yeah, we can't marry the timeline. but also, don't be so hard on yourself.. Yes, this is a great thing. Oh my gosh. You know, I'm gonna have a baby. Might not be happening the way you thought it would, but how can you pivot? Pivot, yes. So your life is full of transitions. Pivot to positivity. Pivot to positivity. Yeah, I like that. So I think the next one kind of connects to us talking about don't get too attached to your timeline. This one kind of revolves around not getting too attached to your expectations. And this is non event transitions. So something you expect does or doesn't happen when you want it to or maybe things are taking longer than they should Maybe you have a timeline in your head on when I should be over something when you're managing grief or dealing with a loss something like that and You get to a point and you're like I expected myself to be over it by now, but healing is a continuum Yes, sometimes it's never truly over. Yeah, so So, that's really interesting and I think it's important that we know these stages of transition so that we can identify them in our own life and maybe that will cause us to look at, am I really attached to my expectations, do I need to manage them, am I really attached to my timeline, do I just need to let it go and focus on what I can do in the present to get to my goals or my values. Yeah. Am I too hard on myself? I like what you said about that, like not beating yourself up. As far as if the timeline is taking a little bit longer. Yeah, that's really good. the fourth transition type that she talks about is sleeper transitions. And these are the transitions that happen without a lot of awareness around them. Um, these transitions can sneak up on you it could be like the process of learning another language. It could be developing a new skill. It can be improving your 5k speed. In sleeper transitions, I feel like that's where you can find your wins. And I think as we get older, really being more cause cognizant of as our lives slow down, they're still changing. And so, while you may not be at one goal, you're on the way to a big life transition, but in the midst of that, You do improve your 5k, or your health, or you lose weight, or you, just begin making more healthy decisions. So, there are negative sleep for transitions that happen. I was starting to think of like maybe when you're making decisions or you're forming habits that are bad for your mental health or bad for your physical health or just bad in general they kind of build up over time and then you wake up one day and you're like I don't even know how this happened but I'm totally someone else that I don't want to be or I'm totally in a mindset that I feel like I can't get out of. Right. Right. It's like falling asleep at the wheel, like the motion. Yes. Going through the motions is for sure. There is no neutral position in life. Yeah. Okay? No neutral position in your spiritual life, in your work life, in your family life, with your significant other. There is no cruise. we're gonna be thinking about cars as we get to our next few points about that. But, you're right. If you just let life happen, these sleeper transitions are gonna happen. Yeah. And you're not gonna know it. But, if we can be aware of the fact that, hey, These are the things that I'm more prone to. Are you more prone to anxiety or depression? take stock at least once a week, kind of just clear your head and write down what's happening with your bodies. Yeah. With your combination of self awareness and also being intentional with the choices you're making every day will lead to. More positive sleeper transitions to where like you just take it one day at a time Like you said, you know yourself you find out which areas I'm prone to and then just Building habits based off what you know about yourself, and then six months down the road, you could have made tremendous progress in a lot of areas. Yeah, for sure. I love journaling. I need to do it more, for sure. But looking back in other journals, that's just a good way to grade your paper, so to speak, not to cause you to be disappointed in yourself, but really just to kind of get a good, a good picture of where you are in the moment. Agreed. So. Very much agreed. Yeah. so in our research, I'm a nurse RN. so in nursing school, we had our psychology subject and we went deep into that and we talked about stressors of life and there's five major stressors in life and I was so shocked because I looked it up this past week and it's the same thing it was that was 30 years ago and the same thing it was, some of the research even back in the 1800s, the five main stressors in our life and think about this, a death of a loved one, divorce, moving, Major illness job loss. Same ones has been the same and it's in that order wherever I could find it. It wasn't just that they were there. Now, those are stages of grief too. so sometimes the order can get mixed up. So there again, managing your expectations about that. But These stressful life events do not have to be negative. Moving can be a great thing. It sucks, but it could be good. Right, right. You could be moving into a larger house, or moving into, as we get older, a smaller home that you're not having to keep up. A job loss, on one side, can be negative. On the other, it can release you from things and habits that don't work. You're not built for so agreed. Yeah, I like that. Okay. I'm intrigued that death of a loved one. I mean it makes sense But I also think our culture of death in the United States is something very negative So maybe we could talk about yeah future episode, but yeah peaks my interest. Yeah Yeah, because I mean obviously losing a loved one isn't very difficult to deal with but I think the culture we have here reinforces that death is a very scary, very bad thing. Yeah, for sure. And this really ramped up the death and the untimely death. you know, that's part of The shrapnel of COVID that we're still dealing with because there were people that lost their lives way premature, completely unexpected. And so, yeah, everybody probably should take stock on how we dealt with it during that time. And, and did we do it well? Yeah. Could we do it better? And understand things that happen to you is not in a bubble. When you have a life experience, it's not just for you. It's for your friends. It's for that next person that you meet that's going through the same thing that you just went through so I think We can really help each other out when we're dealing with these major stressors. Yeah So There are some pitfalls versus peace of mind and These are just some things That when you're dealing with transitions that can hold you back or push you forward. For instance, we take driving. We just talked about there's no neutral position in a transition. You're either moving towards wholeness or away. From wholeness and peace within yourself, we have to refuse to live in the past. So when we're talking about driving a car, you'll notice that big thing in front of us is called a windshield, a windshield. you're in a car, but isn't it crazy that your challenge is to stay focused. But yet, you still have to see what's behind you, and what's on each side. But, if you look at the size, the, just the size of the windshield versus the little rearview mirror or the side view mirrors And I think what happens so much is it's difficult to go forward When you keep looking back. Ain't that the truth. You wouldn't be able to Drive a car safely for any period of time. If you were always looking at the rear view mirror, if you're only worried about what's behind there, how are you going to navigate to get forward? So I think this is one of those things when people get stuck in a transition. I agree with you. there's so many implications there, and a lot of this actually connects to the book we did in our initial launch batch is The Power of Now. Yeah, check out that episode. And focusing on the present and not letting Your perceptions of the past or an obsession with the past color your perceptions and your actions in the present moment because that's going to lead to bad things. And oh my gosh, when you were saying this, I was like Yo, the side mirrors are like comparing yourself to other people. Ooh. Ooh. We can do another episode on that. this is the tea, y'all. This is a good analogy right here. Yes. That's perfect though, because yeah, the side mirrors is you're looking at what everybody else is doing around you instead of paying attention to what you should be doing. Do we, do we, we should just shut her down right now. Call it done. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. When we're looking at windshields versus rear view mirrors. The rear view mirrors are good to glance at, but not to gaze at. try driving a car without a rear view mirror. No, don't do that. Please don't do that. When we gaze back or to the side, It's a too long. We can glance back. You can glance to the side. We've got to keep our gaze and our focus forward. So just think about that. I think when you glance back versus gaze back, it kind of connects to self awareness because In some ways, yes, we do have to be aware of our past because that's part of knowing. not who we are, but it gives us an idea of like things I'm great at, things I'm bad at, things I struggle with, experiences that I need to learn from, blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, if we let our memories like that consume us and we dwell on it, that can lead to like a lot of guilt, a lot of resentment, like so many different negative feelings that can impede on what's happening in the windshield. Yeah, which brings us to. Our next point If you want to have peace of mind, then you have to avoid the the pitfall of suspicion resentment Yeah, I agree. Yeah, for sure. And another one connecting to pitfalls versus peace of mind is think about how much energy and time you waste. Trying to change things that are not in your control, whether that's something in your past that's already happened. There's no changing it. You have to heal and let go and move on and focus on what's in front of you or if it's external situations in your windshield that maybe you really just can't change you might not like them But I mean like we had talked about at the end of our power of now episode You either change the way you feel about it or you change your circumstances. And more than anything, it's changing how you feel about it. I love Dr. Phil. You're going to hear me talk about him a lot. but one thing he says is not even God can change the past. Like it's already happened. Absolutely Also, I think we have to get out of our own selves we get in our own way when you're dealing with a difficult transition, and I know in 2014 with what I was dealing with, I turned inward. And so my world got very small. Same. and it's almost like when you, when you have a microscope and you get it into focus, you can really see how tiny it is. So. I think about that when we get in these difficult transitions. We have to be careful with our world getting so small. one thing that, I've kind of tried to challenge myself, and Jim and I challenge each other is, if you're having a bad day, go serve somebody. Seriously. Get out of your own head. Get out of your own head. Get out of your own world. Serve somebody else. there are plenty of people that are struggling much worse than we are. And it's not that we are negating or downplaying our own feelings and where we are. Yes, you can't just turn out the light. In the bathroom and never go back and look in the mirror. You're not going to know what you look like. But what you can do is, Oh, recognize my world is really small right now. I'm looking inward and into a few people to meet all of my needs. And so service. is a key part in my life because that is when I am the most happy. So, There are times that you will need to just retreat back. Don't stay there very long when you're there. Do the best to make that retreat as highly functional as possible and try to get through it, in a way to get right back on track because if we stay there too long, then our world can continue to get very, very small. And before we know it, we've alienated ourselves from You just keep retreating back into yourself. Yes, yes. you may not be in the middle of a difficult transition, but you could have a loved one or a family member that's going through something like that. I would challenge you to, go and spend time with that person, without any expectations, make the plan, call and say. I'm coming over, I'm still in my pajamas, and I'm bringing you your favorite coffee drink. I can't think of anything that's more pleasing and that could, you know, really help somebody in, in that time, yeah, I definitely agree, and when I was going through that difficult transition as well, I was just. I was stuck in my head, I was retreating inwards, I wasn't getting out and doing anything, and I wasn't really serving anyone either. Right. Which was probably adding on to my self induced misery. Yeah. But that kind of connects to our last pitfall versus peace of mind, and that is refusing to indulge in self pity and a victim complex, which I think So many people do, including myself. We're all very guilty. But I think when we're going through a transition, especially one that's difficult, we can tend to be like, Why is this happening to me? Like, this sucks. Blah, blah, blah. Instead of, you know, looking at it through a positive perspective. Focusing on what's in front of us and working through it to get to the other side. And, I mean, I think it's human nature almost to be in a negative mindset. And it's something we have to actively battle against. But it's very easy for us to fall into a victim complex. So definitely being aware of that as you navigate through difficult transitions. Like, yeah, take one moment. feel sorry for yourself. Move on because wallowing in that is not going to achieve anything but making you feel worse in your head and that's not helping you get through this transition. Right, right. That's good. So the practicality part of just holding each other's hands and holding each other accountable. So next we're going to get into common reasons people get stuck in the past. And a lot of this is research based as well. But we wanted to talk about this because a lot of times transitions are so difficult is because the past is holding us back. So we're going to look at some of the most common reasons people do tend to get stuck in the past. So the first thing is ruminations. And victims of time, and again, I'm guilty of this, everyone's guilty of this, cannot seem to break free of old patterns and move forward into a new transition. cognitive behavioral theory and the research behind it suggests that people become stuck in the past by engaging in maladaptive thought patterns such as ruminations.

Kaina G: 36:34

And that is a repetitive focus, repeating thought patterns of what could have been feelings of guilt, thoughts of guilt about past decisions that actively prevents us from taking constructive actions in the future And I think when we are having thought patterns like this that are consistent. I think awareness is the first step to stop them. But if you don't, they're just going to keep happening and happening and happening because if you don't stop your brain from having these thought patterns over and over and over again, it's just going to impede the actions you're trying to take in the present. Yeah. Do you agree? Yes. Yes. I mean, if any of you guys have had a wreck and maybe something real stupid, like I've wrecked my car in my driveway. Um, yes, that is classic. and it was just something so stupid. How long did you dwell on that? Not long, only because I have dwelt on it, but I've had issues with dwelling on things in the past. I couldn't think of anything else that whole afternoon. All I could think of was that was so stupid. If I would have done this, this wouldn't have happened. Well, what if I had done, you know, and it's happened, it's already happened. So yeah, staying in that mindset of I just wrecked my car in my own driveway and it was a relatively new car to me. That's a problem, especially when you run into your friend's vehicle that's in your driveway, which is what happened. So, and just a little note to sell. You know, we have these great things in our car now, and they're called like these cameras, backup cameras, and we can see what's behind us. And then even better than that, we have these sensors that like tell us, Oh, you're getting a little too close or going front or back. Well, I just want to let you know, if you are going in reverse at 40 miles an hour, no sensor is going to predict that big old truck that is back there that shouldn't be all because let me tell you why. I was too lazy to get out of my car and walk to get my flip flops. I thought, oh, well, we're in the car. I'll just back up. I know exactly where they are. Go figure. Well, we're learning from pieces. Yes, we're learning. Thank you. I guess. Yes. Yes. Well, that made me think of when I was growing up and I had a lot of social anxiety, and I would like have a conversation at school or whatever. And then after the fact, I would be like, why did I say that? Like, oh, they think I'm so stupid. They think I'm so weird. And then I would think about it for like three weeks after that. Oh, man. And it's like, it's already happened. Like, it probably wasn't even that stupid, but I would ruminate on it, and then that would just build on top of each other, because I think the thought patterns can make your mental health symptoms worse. The thought patterns I was having about social interactions I had was making my social anxiety worse, and that just put me in a whole feedback loop, and it was just going round and round and round, and it was all anchored in my past. I was not focusing on the future. Right. Right. Right. Bye. So I definitely still have some. They may not be about the same things they were ten years ago, but I guarantee you I'm having thought patterns that are negative. Oh, yeah, for sure. And when you get in that negative thought pattern loop, Even if what you said originally was not stupid, you end up saying stupid stuff because your mind is back there with you being stupid. I know this. I am a hard carrying, stupidified woman. Okay. So, the next. Topic as far as reasons why we can keep ourselves in the past or what reasons that we do is we can be victims of relationships, staying involved with people that are holding us back. That right there is so critical. So critical. have you ever had this happen before with a friend or another type of relationship? Yes. Do you want to share a little bit about it? Yeah, so I actually let go of two different ten year friendships because I felt that they were holding me back and both of them did not end pretty. Oh my goodness. And it was a whole thing and we might just have to do a whole separate episode on it but one example is a friendship that I had in college where I was kind of stepping into myself and getting to learn myself. I was realizing what my values were and what was important to me. And. She was very surface level. I don't want to talk down on her, but I wanted to talk about deep stuff. I wanted to get real. I wanted to talk about growth stuff with my friends. And that wasn't really something that she had the capacity to do at that point. and this was someone that was like attached to my hit for 10 years, like we were the bestest of friends and I had realized that I think. My identity was kind of tied to hers in a way, and as I was starting to carve out my own identity, I was realizing things that she was doing that maybe I didn't agree with or things that just didn't serve to make our friendship better or to make us better as people, and we just let it go, and I haven't talked to her since college, and I'm glad I did. I have love for her, and I wish the best for her, but there was a time when I realized it was holding me back, and that was a time when I was also making a lot of other friendships who were Adding a lot of value to my life in ways I hadn't experienced before and just being really good mentors and role models and supportive in a way that I hadn't been supported before. And so I realized, like, you know, friendships, and this is a hard thing, I think, is friendships don't have to last and sometimes they shouldn't. Yeah. Sometimes they're there for a season. Mm hmm. And there's, there might be a time that comes when you have to let them go and it's painful because, I mean, it's painful on both sides. But. But I am looking back, I am very, very glad that I made the decision to let go, not just of that friendship, but also the next one, which is also a almost decade long friendship. But I realized that our values weren't the same and she wasn't supporting me in the way that I needed. So, yeah, well, it's hard, but I'm learning. Exactly. Well, and also as you have become more, settled in your own skin and your confidence has built up, I think. Your friends. During transitions sometimes in order for you to get through that you've got to let go of some things and we're definitely gonna do episodes on that because like how do you break up with a girlfriend and how can you do that? in a way that's Loving and honoring to them so let's think about that you had this girl that was Connected at the hip and you guys went to the same college and everything Do you remember like when you started seeing that maybe this wasn't gonna be a good fit? Do you remember like was there like a moment? Yes, and Sadly, it was probably five years before it ended Really? Yes. Can you tell us more? I had opened up to her about my mental health and her response to that really shook me because I had never been that vulnerable with anybody. I had never talked to anyone that I was depressed and I had really extreme social anxiety and she didn't really know what to do with me telling her that or be supportive. And ever since that moment, she never followed up with me about my mental health. on me. And that was the f Yeah, we're talking about my check engine light on But at that point I was d was really attached to ou was like a part of my ide A lot of other things happened since then, unfortunately, not until I started like my real self growth, self growth, self growth, growth, self growth process during college, did I really realize and then by that point, other warning lights were on. And so it took me a while to get there. But it's funny when you said that I knew exact that moment popped into my head. Wow. Wow. And what you have to kind of be careful with, it doesn't mean that you can't be authentic and open with folks, but just like you mentioned, a lot of times folks don't know how to handle that. They don't know how to deal with that honesty and sometimes even the most well intended friends. Can weaponize that place of vulnerability. Yeah. And it sounds like that probably Even if they don't even know they're doing it. Even if they don't even know they're doing it. I don't blame her for her reaction at all. I don't think mental health was ever talked about in her family. I don't think she had any idea, like, the concept of what I was going through or anything like that. So I didn't hold it against her and I still don't. But that still doesn't negate that that's not what I needed in the moment. Right. What about you? Any friendships you've let go of that you outgrew? Yes, and some of them necessarily wasn't outgrowing. It was just, life was taking different, venues. But one that crushed me is I had a mentor. And we did, retreats together. I had a goal in my life that I wanted to be a speaker and do retreats and be a keynote speaker for different events, and I found somebody, because I had learned that if you have a goal, you need to find somebody that's already doing what your goal is, and they're doing it well. And then you reach out to them. So I had done that part. I had Googled, I went to special training, all this, came back, looked for somebody that was close to me in relation to where I lived and found this precious lady. And so she began to mentor me. And, it bled into my health decline and as I was trying to claw my way back out of the pit that I had jumped in, you know, as I was calling myself out and just literally grasping at with purpose. And there I was looking back to see what I had done before and focusing on that instead of focusing forward when I was coming out of that pit of despair. I just went back to what was what I thought I was supposed to be doing. And we had some interactions. That happened a couple times and, finally, I got a really nasty email from her just unsolicited. It really just shook me to my core. I cried for days, but basically this can happen, ladies, especially in a mentor mentee relationship. So when you think about this, understand that your mentor may not necessarily be the same person your whole life. Different life events are going to happen. you might move. I really feel like a good mentor should be somebody. That is close enough to you that you can have like face to face conversations and such, but when the mentee doesn't have the same significant need as what the mentor was providing when the mentee can become their own selves and they're not needing as much support that can feel threatening and It blew up. Now, I have forgiven her. I hope she's well. And I learned a lot from that. But the main thing I had to learn was relationships, friendships, mentor mentee relationships, they don't last forever. Hopefully they don't because if I'm needing a mentor for this part of my life, if I do this part of my life, well, I should move on from that mentor to, okay, now, and this is the part of my life where I'm raising small children and I need a mentor of. that have Children older than ours. But, yeah, so just be careful. And if you are the mentor, cause I feel like in order to be a whole person, you need a mentor, but then we need to mentor someone else. in to someone else. Always be a river, not a reservoir. So what somebody's pouring into your life, let that flow out. But if we're stuck in the past and we are, looking for what has been, it's really difficult. You can't do that. You can't be a river if you're always trying to get back upstream. Yeah, that's true. Okay. So another reason we tend to get stuck in the past is fear of the unknown and fear of change, which makes a whole lot of sense. We want to know what's coming. We want to be able to anticipate things so that we can be prepared, but that's not really How life works, unfortunately, and I think we tend to be victims of comfort. We want to stay in what's comfortable. And when we're heading into something that's unexpected or that's going to cause us to get out of our comfort zone to grow, we can have a tendency to just get stuck in the past and think that we have this nostalgia that our past days are our best days, whatever's coming. Since we don't know what it is, then. We tend to be like, well, might as well just stick where I'm comfortable and not grow and not step into this transition. Because what if it's not as good as the old days? Like what if my best days really are behind me, then shouldn't I just stay where I'm comfortable? So I found some research by. I'm going to butcher these names, James Prochaska and Carlo Di Clemente's, and they have a stage of change model, which basically explains that people resist transitions because they fear the uncertainty that comes with these new experiences. And this is something we can check on ourselves is we shouldn't let nostalgia A huge coping mechanism. I think nostalgia can be a positive coping mechanism when it's used in small doses, but if we're constantly using it to cope and avoid taking that next step into our life, it can lead us to idealize our past. And if we're doing that, we're not engaging with the present. we're not in the present. We're not going to be able to get to the other side of that transition because we're again, stuck in the past. Yeah. Yeah, another, reason that folks can get stuck in the past is just lack of self worth and uncertainty of their self worth. Lack of self worth. We end a lot of words with F, like mouth. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's where that's coming from. Lack of self worth. Also, just uncertainty of identity. people who have a low self esteem, tend to have like an all or nothing mentality or they're labeling themselves on based on past mistakes or even past successes. The past doesn't always have to be negative. The past can be be a good thing, but you have to get out of that. So, some of the research that I found on this and how to combat it is to practice self compassion. And I think, like you said at the top of the episode, we are way too hard on ourselves. And, Practicing active self compassion, I think, can be a way to combat a lack of self worth and to avoid us feeling that way about ourselves. So, Kristen Neff did some research on this, and it showed that people who practice self compassion tend to experience more emotional resilience, which is really the key component that we need when we're going through life transitions. We have to be resilient. Such a good word. Yes. Practicing self compassion and building up this resilience I think will help us learn from the past more than get bogged down by it So we can look at our past and not associate it with our self worth or identity instead we can learn from it Not get held in a pit of self pity and move to the future. Yes, yes. Acknowledging what's worked and then moving on. the next one is lack of social support. Traylor's research underscores the role that social connections play in helping individuals navigate transitions. How important do you think your community of friends and family was for you in that hardest transition. It was so important. Key, key, key? definitely key. I'm thinking specifically about a friend of mine who, we used to ride bikes a lot together and I just remember that If I would not answer the phone, she would come to my house. My friend Helen, like she would not allow me. calls. She would come to my house. She would call Jim, say what's going on. Can't get her on the phone. and those kinds of things. And so that part was huge. my church community, friends were, key also in getting through that. But to be honest with you, I didn't do it well. It was ugly. I just kept retreating back into myself to the point that I Was suicidal. I felt like I had nothing to give and I was just another mouth for my husband to feed. my boys had to grow up super young. I felt like they were cooking meals and cleaning house before. Their time, I wasn't able to do those kind of things. And so it was forced on him. and so I just beat myself up. It was the self pity. When you're going through something like that, you really do feel like my life would be better, not here. Yeah. Thankfully, I had people in my life that helped me not stay in that mindset. And that's, the thing, being authentic and being open and honest about your thought patterns and where you were within a certain season in your life. First of all, saying it out loud, there are not a lot of people that are going to be able to take that kind of information because it is so personal. So that's the other thing. Having a community of friends is key. Having the awareness of your community's ability to process. Your own issues is even more key. That's why your friends are so important. Yes. A good circle of friends. Definitely build that circle of friends. Well, our social community can help us. When we get so in our heads and they're looking at it from an outside angle so they can help us reframe our experiences, reframe our thoughts, help us look at our own situation in a new perspective, help us reflect in a way that we maybe didn't before, or they can even get us out of the house and take us to get new experiences in the present that will help us get out of our past, even if it's temporarily and into the present. Yeah, I think that's why especially in life's transitions, you have to lean on your village, lean on your relationships. But before you even get to a transition where you need that, you have to pick a good circle. Build that, build your relationships, pour into them, and then when the time comes and you need help, they will pour into you. Yeah, and at 52 years old, I would say, the older I've gotten, the smaller that circle is. It doesn't have as many people as it did before, and That's the beauty of aging. Honestly, it's the beauty quality. Exactly. Exactly. and really being aware, you may have a circle of friends, but usually within that circle, there's a smaller circle. And those are your, foxhole friends. You know, they're gonna get you, get in there. for sure. We're probably gonna get a ride or die tattoo. Yes, yes, yes. Well, that pretty much concludes it. And we're gonna move on to What She Said. And Ronnie's gonna read it. Today we have a quote by maya Angelou. And she is an acclaimed American poet, Memoirist. activists. I'm sure you've probably heard of her. She's pretty iconic. Yeah. she said we delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. we can forget that that butterfly was an ugly caterpillar that we would want to pick up and throw out the door. Aren't they funny? Cause you go to touch them and they just. Curl up in a ball, so I don't think that bids them well. I feel like if they've maybe ran faster, it might be better off than just curling in a ball. I don't know how this turned into a roast of caterpillars, but I mean, yeah, fair. No, no. Well, I think this quote is really interesting because going back to the comparison thing, I think we tend to look at people. especially people that we don't know and we look at their life and their success and all the positive things, especially when you're on social media and everyone's highlighting the positives and the successes of their life, we maybe don't think about how they got there and they went through some stuff like they're portraying something that might not even be real. That's a whole nother thing, but they probably went through incredible things to get to where they are. And I think we, yeah. Look at that all the time in that lens, and that's kind of dangerous because we're undervaluing the work that it takes to get to good places in your life. Yeah, Just like we had said, I think in the power of now is we want to be and we want to have what other others have, but we don't want to do the work it took to get there. Yeah. So, yeah. For sure. I really like that quote. I do too. Well, our challenge for the week is I would like you guys to journal once or twice this week or more if you want. I mean, it's never going to hurt you to journal more. And I want you to think about thought patterns that you may have that might be maladaptive or negative and think about how consistently are you having them? Is it affecting your state of mind? Is it causing you to be dragged into the past when you should be focused on the present? Are you maybe going through a transition that's giving you thought patterns? Do you have thought patterns that revolve around the current transition you're in? So, our challenge for you, and of course, ourselves. Yes. We're going to be doing this. It's a journal about your thought patterns, take some time, some quiet time to yourself to really identify what's going on in your mind and your body. And let us know if you want to share with us. We would love that. We want to hear from you guys regarding challenges, if that's something you feel comfortable sharing. Yeah, that's, that's good. I'm gonna do a personal challenge as well. Oh, that I've got to do. Oh, okay. This is totally off script as if we're really scripted. We have little, no. Yeah. This is usually like, we're on page four and my notes still say page one, free for all It's a free for all. It's really start to take inventory of your circle of friends, start to look and see and then as you're having interactions, go back to that inventory and make sure that you're mutually beneficial. Make sure you know, not only is this person holding you back, but are you holding them back? We can all get involved in that pattern very easily. So I would just say start looking at your circle and Weeding out but put those that Need to be in that inner, inner circle, find those people and also pour into their lives. you know, I've got this great friend Helen, what is she going through right now? how can I be a good friend to her? Because a lot of times when we're looking for friends, the first thing we have to do is be a good friend. So, that part. We're definitely going to do an episode in the future on how to be a good friend. Yes. And how to break up with friends. Something we were talking about yesterday that we might want to do an episode on. So yeah, we obviously have a lot of ideas for episodes, but we want feedback from you guys, please. Yes. This is a collaborative project. You guys are going to shape this podcast just as much as we are. At least that's what we're hoping. And we're going to be taking in all the data. So leave a comment, message us on social media. We have Instagram at generational T pod. And also if you wouldn't mind, we would really, really, really appreciate feedback in the form of reviews. So we would love that. Please help us with the algorithm business of this venture. Yeah, this is definitely an adventure. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, yeah. If you give us a review, just go ahead and hit that follow button. Awesome. Hit that subscribe button. Yes. And we will, we thank you for it. Yes, we do. But yeah, thank you so much for joining us on the Generational Tea Podcast. We can't wait to see you next week. Yes. Looking forward to it. Bye. Bye.