Weaponized Incompetence

Welcome back to Generational Tea! Your hosts, Ronnie & Kaina, are diving into a topic that is as frustrating as it is common—weaponized incompetence. Ever had someone pretend they just can't do something so that you have to do it for them? Yeah, we’re talking about that. Tune in to learn exactly what this behavior is, how to identify it in relationships and the workplace, as well as how to confront, prevent, and stop enabling it. 

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Transcript

0:14

I am fed up with lots of things, but one of them would be menopause. I am fed up with hormones. I'm fed up with TMS, even though I haven't had a period in how long? And I still PMS. The only reason why I know it's PMS, there's two reasons. One is, the fact that we're usually together on it. We're both kind of irritable at the same time. We both want to leave our husbands at the same time. So we talk each other out of it. Like, do you hate Jim? Do you hate Weston? And we're PMS ing! Yes, and just hormones in general. but, on a lighter note, we just got back from Miami a couple weeks ago, and there's one thing that really burns me up. In Miami, other than the sun and the heat. It is that people down there don't wear clothing. And I'm about fed up with it. I'm like, what the heck? I know it's hot, but don't you guys have jobs? And who's working right now is what I want to know. Cause I, everywhere I go, it's crowded during the day. Yeah. Hey, back when I was growing up, if you went to the DMV, like, during the middle of the day, wasn't nobody there. Everybody's working. You could take 10 minutes off little route to wherever you're going, because everybody's at work. No one's on the road. Now, I wonder who works. Everybody's on the road. They work, but they don't have the traditional schedule. Yeah, which is actually awesome But it does make running errands more troublesome Different are you do you have anything you're fed up with I'm fed up with the weather because one week It'll be like 65, but I'm like here we go. It's spring and then the next week It'll be like 20 degrees and I'm like, okay Can we just make a decision? Exactly. But I don't know why I'm surprised because I feel like it's like this every year. It is. So. It is. literally every year I'm like, gosh, this weather is bipolar. And then it just, every year, I'm like, okay. Stop being fed up. It's just how it is. It is how it is. And the final thing that I'm really fed up with. Is when you let someone walk in front of you in a car, you know, like you stop at the crosswalk or you stop in the middle of your route because somebody's already stepped out in front of you and you wait and then they take their time getting across the road. That burns me up to the point that I think about it all the time. And so this morning we went to Costco and there were lots of cars everywhere. People were stopping to let us, and literally Jim and I are running through the parking lot of Costco because I'm like, I can't make these people wait. I know that's how I am. I do like an awkward little scurry because I'm like, Oh my God, they're waiting for me. Exactly. What is wrong? So, public service announcement. If somebody lets you go across the road, you don't have to run, but just pick it up just a little bit. Just pick up the pace just a tiny bit. Well, I think a lot of people have main character syndrome, which like, in a way you are the main character in your own story, but The world's not revolving around you. Yeah. So be considerate. Yes. Are you talking about me? Huh? Or them? Huh? Well, I think we all do. But I think we at least are considerate to a degree. Yeah. Yeah, we're still main characters in our own story. Yes. Well, we're doing this episode on one of the many things we are fed up with, which is why we opened with that, and it is weaponized incompetence. So when did you first hear this term? From you. Maybe a couple of months. Yeah. Yeah. I mean now that I know the term, I definitely know what the disease process is. Once you know what it is, you're like, oh my, it's everywhere. It is everywhere. I probably heard it first a year or so ago, and I've never been able to get that out of my head. And it's pretty crazy. So that's why we decided to do an episode on it today. Especially because it's something that we think women should be aware of. And We'll get into why that is, but anyways, welcome to another episode of the Generational Tea Podcast. I'm Kena. And I'm Ronnie. And we are in double digits of episodes, I think. I think so. We're somewhere in the 10 or 11 or so. So that's really exciting. And we just had our one month anniversary a couple days ago. Yeah. Happy Anniversary. What's happening? I know. Happy Anniversary. So, while you're here, we would love it, after you finish this episode, go ahead and leave us a review. We would love to hear your feedback, and it helps us build our little podcast business to help us reach more people, which is the goal, because we want more women to know how to speak up for themselves, how to feel free, how to make their lives better, so how you can support us is leaving us a review, checking out our social media at generational teapot, and yeah. Message us if you want to talk to us about anything. Let us know how your weekly challenges go. We love to hear from you guys. So, all righty then. Well, we're going to open with some research. before we get into what is weaponized incompetence and all the little fun sections we have about that, according to recent research, 71 percent of mothers typically carry the mental load in a household, meaning they're responsible for the majority of planning, organizing, remembering, household management tasks like Getting groceries, scheduling everything, taking care of the kids. Do you feel like you took more of the mental load? I think I did in some respects. I think especially early on in your marriage, because you don't really know. Who's best at something? I think, honestly, like once you've probably been married, maybe five years, but we don't have to wait five years. we're bringing this to y'all. So if you're dating or newly married, wherever you are in your season of life, Takes a while to really find out what your spouse is good at. like Jim and I never lived together before we got married and we met and married in eight months. So basically, we had a baby, we had a baby two years later and then another baby. so yeah. I think for sure, especially during the beginning. Well, I feel like there's so many stereotypes where like men aren't good at multitasking or like women are just better at doing some things or like, that's just how men are, which I feel like. Perpetuates this problem more than it should be because at the end of the day, we're all human beings and men and women can do all the same things that they're capable of and obviously it's going to be dependent on your relationship and like you said, like what you're good at, like dividing the labor, but I think a recurring theme in a lot of relationships and it's reflected in a lot of media is that women are taking on all the mental load and then there's like the bumbling dad who's just like, Bringing home the paycheck and all that stuff. Disney World dad. Exactly. Takes the kids to Chuck E. Cheese on Saturday and he's a hero. Yeah. So, like I said, a lot of things will play into this and a lot of it's, you know, going to be dependent on your relationship and your personalities, but it is really important to understand when weaponizing the competence is happening and you have to understand that it's not just men that are doing this, it can be women, it's just typically men, I think, that are doing this in relationships. They may not be conscious of them doing it, so. You being conscious of it and bringing it into the conversation and being aware of it can help you Change your relationship for the better and maybe divide the mental load. So it's not predominantly on you. Yeah, What is weaponized incompetence? The definition is the act of pretending To be bad at a task or exaggerating your difficulty, to avoid doing it, often forcing someone else to take over. And that I have seen in my children. They're getting better, especially my youngest, my husband. I'm trying not to point him out, but listen, I be getting on him. Okay. Yes, yes, yes. But well, you did do a great job of raising a son that whenever I raise issues with him, or I want him to change his behavior, he doesn't get defensive. And he's not like, I don't do that or whatever. He's always receptive. And he's apologetic. You know, he takes accountability for the things he's done wrong. And we're still working on, you know, changing the behavior. But hey, that's a massive accomplishment. That's a massive accomplishment, for sure. Yes. We're talking more about relationships, side by side relationships, but also, you know, I have people in my family who have done this, and I'm recognizing it, and I think for me, it's just been eye opening to really, not so much point it out to them because there's really nothing I can do to make them change that, you know, but just being aware of it and not, not to get defensive about it, but more to just. Kind of know where it's coming from. Yeah. Well, awareness on your part will help you. And we're going to talk about the tools you can use. It'll help you stop enabling it because we do that. We're enablers. Okay. They might be incompetent, but we are enablers of their incompetence. Yes. Yes. Yes. We're incompetent. In handling their incompetence. Oh lord, yes. So we're going to give you some common examples that might help you recognize this instead of just hearing a definition and trying to think, okay, does my partner do this? Does my family do this? So one example. Or do I do this? True. I think a lot of times, when we're evaluating, Okay. Our partners, our family, other people in our circle, I would just strongly advise, you know, turn that on yourself first, get along, think through it, take some notes, that way When you're approaching somebody, you can say, you know, this is the thing that I struggle with that. I think I know what we weaponize incompetence for. Well, we just said it earlier. We're like, I don't know anything about cars. I caught it too. I was like, shoot, we got to learn more about cars. No, no, no, no, no. I'll find another way. I carry a lot of mental load. So I think he can handle that. Exactly. So one example is. I can't cook like you do. So the partner never tries. So, and an example from this out of my own marriage is that well, I love doing cooking. It's like a self care for me. But sometimes, golly, I don't want to do it. And one morning Weston and I were just lazing about, and I wasn't hungry, so I didn't really feel like cooking breakfast. I was reading my book that I was really into, and Weston wanted me to make pancakes. And I was like, you can do it, and he was like, I don't know how. And I was like, well, by God, the recipe's on the box, so I'm sure you can figure it out. Ding ding! We have a winner! And you know what? He made himself pancakes. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. That's great. Another one is, I don't know where the kids clothes are, so the mom has to do all the packing. And I definitely can say that that was a common thread. And our home was, yeah. Mm hmm, yep. Another one is, Oh, you handle all the social plans. I'm really bad at remembering birthdays or events or whatever it is. I feel like women are definitely the social planners of the family. I guess it depends on the relationship, but I know like for you and me, we're the more social people of our husbands. So we kind of take control of that. But I also think that that could be divided more evenly. Just in being raised and seeing other my aunts my uncles my parents and all that it definitely the Tendency that I saw a lot was that they took care of all the birthdays They reminded their spouses of their parents birthdays their parents anniversaries and then it just became taking on that and I've really That's one thing that I've tried to back out of with Jim and just like let him handle. Well, I think you have to. I think when you take a lot of traditions or you like watch your family, your older family that's from a totally different generation where not as many women worked as they did today. Right. And so you have to be careful with what things you're bringing into your relationship that may not work because you had a career. I mean, I, I work as well and a lot of women and. And marriages and relationships work today, so it's, you know, not that when you're not working, or if you're raising kids, that's absolutely a full time job, you can take more of the mental load, because again, it just depends on your relationship and how you guys communicate, but Yeah, and the season that your kids are in. Mm hmm. Because, you know. A lot of stuff, time opens up once you get them in school., If you decide to send them to school. Oh sure., Oh, this was a good one. I don't know how to talk about my feelings., This is one partner avoiding conflict resolution while the other is having to take an extra mental load to help their partner work through their own feelings. So you've come to the table with. Your own stuff, you know, maybe it's a pattern that you've seen. It's something that you feel like you need to talk, with your partner or parent, child. this can happen because you come into it. With not necessarily an agenda, but you've got a thought process already going and you could be exhausted About what you're getting ready to have to discuss, but when you meet a roadblock like this When it's like, you know, I'm not good at talking about my feelings. Well, guess what? Today's your first lesson This is feelings 101. Yeah, and So, that can be very frustrating. And that is a therapy. Yes, because you don't want to take all that on I had a past relationship where we would have you having a difficult conversation and I'd be like asking him how he feels or whatever, whatever he would just say, like, I don't know, like, I don't know. And I'm like, okay, well, how do I get you to figure out what you're feeling so that we can resolve this? Yeah. And that's a whole nother thing instead of just like tackling the issue together. Right. Right. Okay. Another one is I can't change a diaper. It's really bad. And I feel like I've seen this so many times in like sitcoms or whatever. Like again, like the bumbling dad trope who doesn't know how to do anything other than bring home a paycheck. Yeah. It's like, I don't know how to change a diaper. I can't do that. Go to therapy. Well, poor Jim. When we had the kids, I worked part time, like every other weekend, 12 hour shifts is typically what I did, even back then, and things were not nearly as expensive, I was a registered nurse, and I still could not justify Putting my kids in daycare because basically what I was doing was working to pay for daycare So I did the every other weekend thing and it was 12 hour shifts So Jim was a hundred percent full dad on those weekends, and he was very good I'm sure we had a discussion. I don't remember it specifically, but I'm sure we had the discussion that said no You're not gonna spend the weekend at your mom's With our children. They're your children And you're going to learn how to take And you know what? Trial by fire. I just left and he did great. a little funny thing especially when we had the two littles in Weston, never cared what he had on to wear, you know, just as long as it was comfortable. He didn't care, you know, Garrett came out Organized in a closet, but Weston was so easy and because we were dealing with Another child that was it was very important to him Yeah, how he looked and all that not to say one was better than the other but my friends at church would talk about that they always knew that The weekends I was working, based on what Weston had on. Because most of the time, he had on what his dad put on Saturday morning, he slept in that, and then, okay, it looks great, because he's trying to deal with the other one that only wants to wear certain things, and so Weston would just turn up in the same clothes. And they would be like, oh, he had his pajama top on, but he had a pair of shorts on. Dude, he still wears the same, work pants for like a week straight. Things should be hung up. So anyways, when we get to this, I can't change a diaper. Okay. Maybe that's true right now, but later we're going to talk about like. The effort part, because you may have to take time to show that, but understand when they're doing household chores or tasks or taking care of children, the last thing you want to do is be critical. You have to let them do it. You have to let them fail. And it has to be okay if it's not your way. Yeah, we're gonna talk about that later when we talk about not enabling that behavior. And part of that is not redoing their work or saying, oh, you don't do it right, let me do it. Oh, yeah. Let them fail. Let them get better. Let them learn. Yes, yes. For your own benefit, long term. Yeah. like I said earlier, intent is part of this. And it's not always a malicious behavior pattern. But it can be. So sometimes this behavior pattern can be learned and it can be subconscious. But whether the person that's doing it knows it or not, that doesn't mitigate the impact on the other partner. So one person bears the burden while the other gets off easy, whether they know they're doing it or not. There's also some long term consequences that happen, if you continue in this pattern, it leads to resentment, exhaustion, lack of trust, and an imbalance in relationships. This lack of trust is big time for me because If we ask for something that needs to be done and it continually gets pushed back, That part is really frustrating and I feel like that's where the lack of trust is. Yeah, it's lack of being able to say to your partner or to someone I really need this. I can't do this by myself, but can you do it because what happens again while it continues to be pushed off and put behind and put behind what ends up happening is you stop asking. Cause you have no trust that they're going to do it. You have no trust that they're going to do it. And a hundred percent of the time for me,, I won't say anything until one other thing tips me off and I blow up and that is definitely not wise either. It's not the healthiest, but understandable at the same time. Exactly. So the trusting part is so key. And I think, I'll just tell you with mine, Jim's relationship, because this is kind of something that we still deal with. and he's got more time on his hands now, but it is still something. And so I've had to, at some points he's, he said, I'm going to take care of it. I told you I was going to do it. And I'm like, well, how do I know you're really going to do it? And he said, I told you, and I said, I will say based on what evidence Give me some evidence Now what i've done he shouldn't be offended by that, but he should say That's a point and when we have had discussions like that and I am, able to keep my emotions in check. and I say, you know, I hear that you're, you're saying you're gonna do it again, but I can't believe that. Yeah. Because I don't have a trust in you. Right. Right. And a lot of women, I mean. We've never had the resources, but definitely a lot of women will just say, okay, I'm just going to start making a list and I'm going to call a contractor or handyman and get them out here and do it. But again, that's not, that's just an enabling, enabling. Right, right. Okay. Definitely. I mean, and I think I've even experienced, like, me and Weston have been together five years. And he has been in college athletics, which is a very toxic non work life balance thing. So he's working 78 hours a week sometimes. And so I'm carrying a lot of the mental load, which I knew that going in, and that's okay. But even when he's not at working, we've had issues with weaponized incompetence. And I He's not conscious of it, he has ADHD as well, and he's really tired from working so many hours, and I'll ask him to do things, because I'm at my limit, and I know I need help, and then he'll forget to do them. And then, I have definitely experienced the same thing as you, the lack of trust, where I'm like, I don't even want to ask him to do things anymore. Like, it's not like that right now, but at a point it was, where I was like, I don't even want to ask you to do things anymore, because you're gonna forget. And I'm going to have to follow up with you, which is another thing on my mental load, and I'm going to have to remind you. And he used to get annoyed when I would nag him or remind him. And I'm like, dude, well, you don't do it. So what do you expect me to do? And he was like, you're right. I'm like, maybe I am, and that's just like in little periods of time and my relationship. And when you're married, like. Decades and you're just dealing with this like long long term. I can't imagine to think of how these Long term consequences just build up and then it's cyclical. no one's perfect. So it's always gonna be there, but it's how you handle it, how quickly we can recognize it. Not that somebody else is doing it. How quickly can I recognize when I'm doing it? And, you know, typically if it's something you recognize that you're doing and you say, you know what? That was wrong. I shouldn't have asked you to do that. I'm going to try to do it myself. That will help your partner to kind of like, Oh, that's how you handle it when you blow it. Because that's what we need the most knowledge on is how do we respond when we blow it? Yeah, definitely. Awareness is what we're definitely we want to talk about for sure. Well our ultimate goal here I mean unless it's a very unhealthy relationship. We want marriages and relationships to thrive and The reason we're talking about things like these is so that we can raise awareness for yourself, for your partner, for everything, because we want to see success. And this is actually an issue, an uneven division of labor has caused a significant percent of failed relationships. So, a statistic according to Harvard 25 percent of failed relationships are due to Things like uneven division of labor, and that could be related to weaponized incompetence. Yeah. So. There's an interesting statistic for you, why things like these are important to know and important to work through and get on the other side of. Yes, work through it sooner rather than later. And then you'll have to work through it again and again as stages of life happen, but also your partner is going to have to work with your own. Yeah. So. Yeah, definitely. Well, we want to give you some examples, not just in relationships, but in the workplace as well. Because like we just said, a lot more women are in the workplace nowadays. weaponizing incompetence is something that is not just in relationships, it can be anywhere else, but especially the workplace as well. So we're going to give you some examples. One is, can you take the meeting notes? You're better at that. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. and what about, I'm not good at organizing things, can you plan the event? Hmm. So while there is value in a workplace of identifying and assigning tasks based on strength. I think sometimes this can get abused, especially with women. There's a lot of research that supports that women tend to take on like the office housework, which is like note taking, scheduling, mentoring, organizing, stuff like that. While men are able to focus on tasks that are more promotable in nature, like financial things and project management. Over time, and this isn't happening everywhere, but it, can be prone to happen, and so being able to recognize it is important because eventually if you're doing all the office housework and you're struggling to get a promotion, you're going to have burnout in your career, you just might be stagnant for a time, and that can be so frustrating, especially when you want to climb the ladder. Yeah, A psychological impact we wanna talk about. And something I have noticed myself doing is gaslighting and self doubt. So the person that is left doing all the work starts questioning their own expectations. They start thinking, Maybe I'm expecting too much. He does work really hard at work. Ding, ding, ding. He does make more money than me. Ding, ding, ding. I'm saying ding, ding, ding because these are things that I have thought in my brain. I get frustrated with him, and then I start gaslighting myself, or I start doubting, like, the things I'm asking him to do. And, you have been instrumental in helping me realize that I can't be doing that. I don't remember when you told me this, about having a marriage. It's like, your husband cannot come home and just check out. Which is what Weston used to a lot more than he does now. But I am still justified in asking him for things because I know when I'm at my limit mentally and physically and emotionally, and I need help to do all these things that a relationship and adulting and living demands. I'm still struggling with this, I'm still like, oh I'm asking him too much or I always work so hard. And then I also don't attribute that to myself. I also work really hard. Like I expect a lot of myself and I know when I, I know where my limits are. So I need to stop gaslighting myself. Yeah. Yeah. there's not a free pass when you come home to check out. and I think we might have already talked about this, but I think it's, it bodes mentioning is, If your husband does have a very stressful job, just in general, they've been gone for eight hours a day, especially if they don't get their energy from people. They get their energy from quiet, solitude, nature, and we're both married to those kind of men. And I had to finally figure out if I gave him 30 minutes after he walked through the door, then I could pretty much ask him anything. Yeah. If I was able to just give him but see what happens is you get in a pattern Of as soon as they walk through the door, you're exhausted. You're at your limit You've got two in diapers and one that needs help with homework or whatever When you start establishing a pattern of when they come home, you just unload on them What happens is one they take the long way home sometimes But the other is they are already we whoever it is. We're already Ramped up and already offended before we ever get out of the car because we already know what's coming Yeah But you want to shock the pants off of somebody break that pattern and then it it may take a while but you retrain neural pathways that you know He doesn't have to be triggered or frustrated on the way home from work because he knows when he gets home I'm gonna unload and just like expectations again. Definitely. Well yeah, utilizing that with Weston since he did have a very demanding job. He's getting ready to have a more balanced one soon. Yay! So maybe I won't gaslight myself as much. Yeah. But yeah, I would let him have a nap or have like an hour or two just unwind. Cause he would be socializing and he'd be after like a 12, 13 hour shift. So I'd let him have his time. And I think. Letting him have that time and then still being able to like ask him things to do I would not doubt Myself asking him those as much right? So it definitely helps when you create little life hacks. Yeah. Yeah. The other thing is if you need something done now, you need to specify that. Yeah. But it needs to be an emergency. everything cannot be the fire. and so I have tried and I still fail a lot, but I've tried to, when I've asked Jim something, a lot of times I'll say, I'll preface it with, you know, in the next few days, can you do this,, and then just let it go and see the other thing is, if I need something done right then I need to specify, I mean, obviously, if he comes home in the toilet and the house is flooded, but if I need him to really do something right then specify that and don't let everything be a fire or an emergency because then you've just conditioned them to not take you seriously. Yeah. And you're catastrophizing every request. And you're catastrophizing every request. The other thing that I would, suggest doing is when we ask, if there are specific things, details that we want them to pay attention to, first of all, I would say, can we? Do this together. If it's something that you really are hung up on, it needs to be done in this order with this equipment or whatever. I would suggest that you join them in that task, because if you say, can you do this and, can you wash the car and I need it inside vacuum and, be careful, Pay close attention to underneath the mats in the back, because there's a bunch of goldfish down there or whatever it is, it can grate on people's nerves. So I would just say you have a right to be specific, but just use that when it's really necessary as you grow in your marriage and in your relationships and partnerships that can begin. To have a little more presence, but when you're trying to, like, establish a communication, tactic, I don't mean it that way method, maybe a method more, but yeah, I'd say for sure, and there is a, as far as like the gaslighting and self doubt, and there can be a manipulative aspect to this as well. So if someone is more. intentional with their weaponizing competence and they insist, like, they just can't, then that will make you feel bad for pushing them. And that's not acceptable. So definitely, when they're insisting that they can't do something or they won't, and then you start feeling bad for even asking them, hmm, hmm, maybe it's time for a conversation. Yeah. Encourage learning. That's the difference. And we'll get to that in a minute, but that's the difference when somebody says, I can't or I don't know how, but are they willing to learn? Yeah, that's the whole thing. The person that's carrying the load of experiences and exhaustion and frustration, if it stays there, it's going to get really nasty. Like I was saying, you know, it's something completely, Irrelevant to what is actually going on at the current time. It's all this resentment that we've held back on. It just explodes. I'm guilty of that as well. I'll be holding resentment over my brain. I'll be like, I asked him to do this three weeks ago and he didn't do it. And then I asked him for that last week and he didn't do it. And then he'll do like one very minor thing that grates on my nerves. And I'm just like. Yeah. and you really understand, what's the best communication mode. I feel like that Jim does pretty good with list I don't do it as much as I should because he just retired and I didn't want him to go back to work. So I've been really good and not asking for much, but lists sometimes work for folks. Uh, put it in priority. You know, one means. This is the first thing I need for you to take off the list. Weston I know does good with lists. In the past. That's about what we had to do. and. I do good with lists. If somebody's expecting something from me, I love that. I want the list. I want to, for you to rank in order of importance, you know, that kind of thing. Oh yeah. I agree. Same. Yeah. Cause, cause this is, oh, it can really still kill and destroy not only your relationship with your partner, but your relationships with other folks in your Family friends when you're hurt because hurt people hurt people. It's true. So that's a big thing to kind of take inventory and when you have these thoughts just say okay Where's this coming from and it it doesn't have to be like an Dialogue that you're having out loud. Yeah, but definitely try your best not to get in that resentment mode. Yeah, don't let it build up. I, my family has not been great at like communicating issues as they come up, which is something I inherited. Weston's been great at like encouraging me to bring up issues as they arise. So that's something I'm working on for myself and it definitely helps our relationship when I'm like noting things like. Okay. Hey, I asked you to do something and you forgot and that's frustrating for me because I feel like I have to like follow up with you about everything and he's like, yeah, you're right. Okay. I'll do it right when you ask me to and I'm like, okay, that's a lot better than me one month after the offense, keeping track of everything he's doing and then blowing up on him and then he doesn't go on the defense, but it can just seem like so much worse of an emotional reaction from me onto him and that's just not good for either of us. Right. Right. So while we're talking about psychological impact and we've kind of already mentioned this as well We're talking about like older generations So there is a lot of cultural and gender norms that shape who's expected to naturally handle certain tasks So for example, I think everyone knows this women are most expected to manage Household tasks and child rearing especially if their husband is the breadwinner But we just wanted to encourage you guys that just because these are Quote unquote norms. You can challenge these in your own household. communicate. Just because your husband works and brings in the income, that does not mean he can check out and use weaponized incompetence to keep doing so. So, challenge the norms in your household. Find what works best for you. In some cases, maybe Fitting into those norms is what works best for you and your husband. Like, you never know. Every relationship is different. There's no relationship that's gonna be the same. But make sure you're actually having the conversations. I remember Weston and I did this little marriage workbook pretty early on in our marriage and We each had to check off, whether it was me or him, like, each of these random adult household marriage tasks, like, what did we think, who should we think should be doing this? And actually our answers were pretty much the same, but it was interesting for us to, go through that, and then discuss it together, like, I said he should be doing all the car maintenance, and he agreed. And then I said I should also do all the cooking. Well, most of the cooking. He does help cook as well. Yeah, he does. He can. But I just think having this conversation was so important for us to set up the rest of our relationship and obviously it's an ongoing dialogue and life happens, things change, stuff like that. So it's important to keep talking about these things, but I think it's most important first that you're challenging the norms and finding out where your expectations lie, the both of you. Yeah, yeah. Find out to What's really meaningful to your spouse, especially if you have more time in the home, whether that's taking care of kids or even just working from home, a big thing for me is, and it's you too, is if my. Countertops are clean in my kitchen. The whole world could fall apart. I would be perfectly happy. Yeah, I'm crazy about clean countertops. Yes, yes. If you find something and you know something that's really, really important to them that, maybe at the end of the day, Jim, you still love coffee. I'd throw in a pot of coffee. While I was making dinner because I knew that he likes coffee in the evening or just different things like that because the goal is to out serve each other the Imbalance comes when one person's doing it and the others not yeah So. Absolutely. Yeah. So the next section we're going to get into is basically, you know, how did we stop enabling? How do we confront and prevent this behavior? First we're going to tackle in relationships, what can we do to prevent this and confront it in our relationship? So kind of like I was just going on about set expectations early, have conversations about sharing responsibilities, expectations you have and ensure that you guys reach what you both think is a fair division of labor. And it may take time and you may have to revise that constantly, but you're probably going to avoid a lot of frustration and all kinds of bad stuff if you can communicate earlier rather than later. Right. And, and all this, study your partner's family. I think in this day and time, a lot of folks don't move back after college. They're not living in the same town that their parents did are or where they grew up. So you might have to, your detective work half might have to be more about just asking them, but kind of get a temperature of how. The household that he lived in, he or she lived in, how it was run, who did what, because that more than likely is shaping their expectations for what's coming up and That's just smart. So study, ask questions. doesn't have to be like, we're gonna sit down and talk about this. But just as you guys are doing things, hey, when you were at home, you know, who, who washed the cars or different things like that. You know, did you have to fold your own laundry or, you know, different things like that. And I think that will really, one, it may, you may find out after studying the family, this might not be a good fit. I would strongly discourage, marrying someone or moving in with someone and making a more of a long lasting commitment. I would discourage it unless you can really study the family. And like I said, It doesn't mean that you can be there every Sunday for lunch. and that's the other thing, not just household chores and such, who managed the social calendar in your home? Maybe your, your father had an assistant that did everything and it wasn't mom. and I think that that will. Always bid you and when in doubt, ask a question, you know, just keep them talking because people love to talk. Why do you think we're on a podcast? We love to talk, but, but yeah, just study the family dynamics. Look at, your partner's siblings. And how those dynamics between not just them as the siblings, but how their marriages look and I think you can really find out a whole lot. Yeah, for sure. I agree. So another tip for. Preventing and Confronting Weaponized Incompetence is using the Fair Play Method. So this is a system where each partner owns a task completely. And I think there's a lot of value in this, and I think me and Weston do this in some ways, where like, this specific thing, like the car maintenance, that's Weston's job. Yeah. Again, I weaponized my incompetence and told him I know nothing about cars. No, I'm just kidding. I think we both agreed on that pretty early in our marriage that and that's something he's fine with doing. And I am completely responsible for paying our bills, which is fine with me, and that's something we discussed before. And I think there's value in this, where you're completely responsible for a task. Because then I don't have to remind him to do things all the time. Like, he knows he owns this task completely, and he does it. And it's not like, You all you can never ask for help if you're using this method because you can you just probably won't as often as if you were Sharing a task. That's great. okay, I'm just guessing. I would say in our relationship, probably 75 percent of what each of us do is fair play. Mm hmm. At least 75, it may be more, but that's after 30 something years of being married. but it doesn't mean that you can't have it now, you know, cause you learned from us, but I would say at least 75, if not more, and they're just little things. but it's just somebody got in the habit of doing it. And the other one does something else to complement that. if you're easily overwhelmed, or your partner is easily overwhelmed, this really can lower the temperature in the room. Yeah, which is great. Yeah. and then that, starts with encourage the learning. Mm hmm. and that's one thing When I was doing the research on this weaponized incompetence, because that's kind of how Kena and I have it set up. We each do our own research and then make our outlines. So when you're hearing us talking about it, it's off the cuff. I mean, we've got notes, but yeah, it's really just bullet points. And then we just go from there. But, a person's willingness to learn, is directly related. To their weaponized incompetence. Yeah, and I would say even like, correlated with relationship success. Oh, a hundred percent. Cause I mean, it's just not, it's not even just willingness to learn tasks to support like, the household. It's willingness to learn your partner, and I think willingness to learn is like, willingness to grow. Yes, and I just had a thought. Think about emotional support. It is difficult for most, men in particular, to communicate their emotions or to really, care about what's going on with you and your, your girlfriends, or who hurt your feelings at work or whatever. It may be a Southern thing. I don't know. It seems like the way that has been handled, in places that I know of is more of, Well, I'm just going to call my friend for that. Yeah. And I'm just going to, you know, well guess what? One day your friend's not going to be available and you're going to have to talk to that person that you're married to and that you've been in a relationship with for 20 years. Yeah. So that is not a pass. I almost think that's like how you get to the best friend level. Marriage is you treat them like you would a girlfriend because honestly Weston loves the tea. Oh GMT and a lot of times just because he's reactions are as like it's Excitable or like just not the same as like a girlfriend would be I don't feel as inclined to like give him the full report sometimes but then I'm like He would love to hear about this. Right, right. And we've talked about that before and I'm not even sure maybe on one of these podcasts, but you know as far as emotional just to circle back on what that original comment was about was you know, You can run to your girlfriends. Jim, I'm gonna tell you, if I have something amazing that happens, he is not my first call. It's Kena. If I can't get her, I'm calling Claire or Lisa or somebody, only because his personality is not as animated. And at that point, when I'm so excited, I want to talk to somebody that's going to celebrate with me and he's, he's going to celebrate, but it just might be in silence. So, uh, it doesn't, it doesn't mean that he, he's not happy for whatever happens and that I don't tell him. It's just again, managing those expectations. I know his personality. And also history of running to him with great news and not getting the reaction that I wanted. Yeah. So, so I'm just like, okay, I'll, but still you can't just have your friends that are helping you emotionally. You, we have to lean into each other as partners, to handle. And discover how to handle emotional things that come up, not just things within your own relationship, but, you know, somebody hurts your feelings at work or whatever, being open and helping. Sometimes we have to help our spouse learn this, especially like Jim grew up with all boys. Yeah. And Weston too. I mean, they have, Weston has four male cousins, no girls on that side. So, a lot of times this stuff hasn't really been talked about in a way that. They can process it and learn from it and begin to implement it. Well, men and women are just raised so differently and I mean, I disagree with that, but it's just kind of how it is. It's how our culture and our norms and gender roles society have shaped parenting and that makes a lot of sense. Yeah. But I, I was telling you the other day too. I saw a reel somewhere and it says There's kind of a pattern, and I think it was a therapist had said, like, she finds it interesting that a lot of women come in to learn how to be firm, speak up for themselves, like, things like that, and then men are often learning, like, the opposite. They're learning how to slow down, how to listen, how to be tender, yeah, like all that stuff, and I'm like, well, a lot of that is just how we treat different genders when we're raising them, and all these things that they're ingesting from society that are saying, like, men are one thing and women are one thing, which, I don't like that, but it is the way it is. It is what it is, for sure. Yes, it is. I think, and we've mentioned this before, like, this is the biggest enabler to weaponizing competence, is do not reward the behavior, resist the rea The urge to redo their work or say, it's easier if I just do it or you don't do it. Right. Let me do it. Don't honey. It's going to be easier if you, if you do it, but in the long run, it's not going to be fulfilling. It might be easier in the minutes. give space and grace. to not do it the same way. It's fine. Mm hmm. Absolutely. let's talk about work, since we did kind of Tell you guys how you can identify it at work. Make sure that you're delegating and holding boundaries. So don't accept tasks just because you're better at it than someone else. Especially, I think, someone else that you're on the same level with. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. And also speak up. And this can be hard for women, like we just said. a lot of women have to learn, like, later on in life how to speak up for themselves and to be firm and to, you know, address things as they come up. So Be comfortable and practice addressing imbalances and ask for a fair task distribution, for example, saying things like, I think we should rotate, who takes notes? Or, I'm happy to help this time, but let's make sure responsibilities are shared equally. there's a lot of different phrases and things you can use to make sure that you're not getting taken advantage of in that, in the workplace. Yeah, and, and, Be willing to say, Oh, I didn't realize that you don't know how to make a PowerPoint here. Let's do it together. So next time you'll know how to do it. That to me, that can be one of the most productive ways if you can get them to engage. With doing it. Yes, absolutely. Well, yeah, that's the next thing on the outline It's encouraged training and accountability because people need to take responsibility for learning tasks instead of relying on others who know how to do it Or are better than them or whatever. Yeah last thing we wanted to touch on, not just relationships and at work, confronting this behavior pattern, because I think it is so prevalent in society today, I think it's important, the phrase, see something, say something. So, challenge the idea that certain people should naturally handle certain roles, call out these harmful norms, because when we're just saying that, everything is black and white, Men should do this. Women should do this. This partner should do this. That partner should do this. Relationships are not all the same. People are not all the same. Culture, society has changed so much than it was two generations ago. So I think reinforcing gender norms and stuff like that it's doing more harm than it is doing good nowadays. And we instead should be reinforcing things like really early communication, Managing your expectations, setting your expectations, like, so many other things I feel like are so important, but I feel like when you do see something, say something. And try to have like in depth conversations, not while you're in the middle. of somebody weaponizing, you know, like go back and say, remember when this happened? I mean, there's certain things, obviously I'm like deal with it immediately, but there are times that you might need to back off, cool, cool, cool down and make sure that you're you're my emotions. Jim will say, stop yelling at me. I'm not yelling, but I go up so many, just my tone gets elevated. Maybe it is a little yelling. Okay. I definitely yell. I am so sorry, Jim. I will do better at that. I really will. Cause my children hopefully are going to listen to this and they'll call me out, um, Yeah, and then on the societal model, healthy responsibility, sharing, teach kids that all genders should contribute equally, and children need to be socialized to take responsibility versus expecting others to do it for you. So what that might look like is, it's a play date and we're having a picnic. Making sure like give the task of handing out the food to both girls and boys. I think something that Simple can really get the little things that all add up to the big picture and what you also have to understand Okay, we've not told you about this, but I'm just having a little light bulb moment They're not they're not as often as they used to be so should probably hang on to this light bulb moment is It'll be easier for you to do whatever your kids you're asking your kids to do too Okay, it'll be just easier for you to do it. It takes more time to teach Patience, we're not doing our children any favors Doing everything for them. Absolutely. I have messed up on that in in some really key parts like laundry and stuff like that. I never really made, them do it. Well, Garrett started doing his laundry. I think he was like six or seven Garrett. I hope you're listening to this. He was probably six or seven. And like I said, he liked his clothes just so much. So he decided. I'm going to do my own laundry. I don't want Weston's dirty clothes touching my dirty clothes. He is a true unicorn of a child. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone else doing that. So literally, six or seven. And Jim would say, that's ridiculous. He don't even have enough for a full load. I'm like, that's what he wants to do. I'll choose my battles. Well, overall, I think you did a good job. I don't think you can be perfect in all the areas because, I mean, I wouldn't know anything about raising kids, but I'm sure it's a lot. It is, but what you're raising is little adults. so, just as moms, as dads, as aunts. As grandparents, make sure that you're, we need to make sure we're not contributing to that weaponized incompetence. We're not laying the foundation. For another brick, and another brick, and another brick. Yeah. I think entitlement and weaponizing competence are distant, maybe not even distant relatives. Oh. They can definitely go hand in hand, I think, especially when we're talking about parenting. Mm hmm. For sure. So the last thing on a societal level, and I think this can apply to relationships as well for sure, is don't keep score. So if you do notice a pattern, pay attention to it, and bring attention to it if necessary. But don't keep score because what did you tell me earlier today? it's really funny. I'm a little sidebar. I was looking at the outline and was putting something in. And so I put something in earlier in the outline about not keeping score. And then I saw it on down further and I was like, Oh, she already did it. Um, you. First of all don't keep score because you will always win. It's so subjective. It is so subjective that You will win. Yeah, the person that's keeping that scorecard is always gonna score better Especially when you have, feelings of resentment. Yes. Because you're using that resentment to, like, bolster your score to make yourself feel better. Or your resentment is just, like, clouding your perception to where you're only noticing things that your partner does that will add a point to your score or whatever it is. Yeah, This is probably one of the key, I think, contributors to failed relationships is the whole keeping score. Well, I did it last time, he needs to do it this time. Or, I'm doing this while he's doing that. Or, you know, even with friends and stuff like that. keeping score, first of all, against somebody that you're committed to is basically like saying, I win and if I'm winning, they're losing and none of us want these folks that we love so much. No one. We're not looking to make them lose, but when we insist on winning Individually, then we have set up for them to be able to lose Yeah So instead of keeping score between each other, I would suggest Take inventory and score Together, like maybe you have and it doesn't have to be a set amount of time, but you know, you can sit down and talk, you know, we need to grade our relationship together. I agree. Definitely. I think the perspective shift you need to have, if you ever find yourself slipping into like, I'm winning, he's losing, or whatever, winning, losing. Not good. We need to shift perspective to it's us versus the problem, me versus you. Yes. That's the perspective shift. Yes. And I have to like, check myself on that sometimes when I'm feeling very frustrated with Weston. I'm like, okay, he's a great partner in the terms that he listens to me and he takes accountability for his actions and he works to change the things I need him to change. And so I have to remind myself of that and say, I need to go to him. I need to express how I'm feeling and then we'll figure out how we're going to tackle this issue together versus I'm frustrated and I'm keeping score, whatever, whatever. It's y'all versus the problem. Oh, I love that. I love that. Well, guys, I didn't think of it. I've heard it many times over. So what she said, Oh, this is a good one. Go ahead. You talk. Yeah, this is, probably one of my favorite wishy seds that we've had. I just feel like it's very, very meaningful. So the quote is, Once you carry your own water, you will learn the value of every drop. Oh. It's an African proverb, too, which is interesting. So good. That is so good. So this really ties in the idea that when people take responsibility, they realize the effort involved. And how this relates to weaponizing competence is, I think, If you're noticing that this is a pattern or something that's happening and you're able to confront whoever it is you're dealing with and work towards a solution and start to shift things and they start to realize that the mental load you're carrying, once they start to maybe help out a little bit more and the division of labor is a little bit better, they realize the effort that you're spending mentally and physically and emotionally into each one of these tasks. And so, I just think that's so important. It's so important. And again, I just want to point out parents and grandparents get your kids. On board in sharing loads in doing things that they're not great at, but they could learn. That's why self people happen because they're never expected to do anything that they're not good at or that they want to do. Yeah. So, our challenge this weekend is think of the way you can set a boundary or push back against weaponized incompetence in your life. Um, yeah. I already have some ideas. You do? Tell me one. Well, I mentioned earlier that Wes is going to have more work life balance, so he's got a new job. Oh, she's moving, y'all. I am moving. Sad. We're going to film a bunch of episodes this week, but it's actually going to be better because we're going to have more things to talk about in our intros, because we would sit down and be like, well. What are we, what are we talking about now? Other than the episode content. Yeah. But Weston's gonna have more work life balance and I do want him to learn to do some of the things that I do and like try to do them even if I'm going to end up doing them long term. I want him to realize the effort it takes me to get those things done. Cause I just feel like that will Make me feel like he's more of an equal partner and I feel like it'll make him have a better appreciation for me if he knows how to do things. So if I need to ask him to pay all the bills, he'll know how to do it and he'll realize this is how much effort goes into making sure you pay every single bill and tracking the whole budget. And this is where the chat goes. Boom, boom, boom. Well, guys, we are so glad you joined us today. if you're listening to us on YouTube, we ask that you like and subscribe to our channel. You can also find us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Apple's podcast. Apple's podcast at generational teapod. Yep, that's us. like us. Give us some information, and to circle back, what are you fed up with? Yeah, let us know. Leave us a comment. What are you fed up with? It could be anything. Yeah, it might be the person you're sitting beside. Not, I'm definitely not fed up with her, but you know what I'm saying. And that's the tea. Thank you guys.