The Good Side of Friendship | Finding Your People & Relationship Green Flags

 Friendship is one of the most rewarding parts of life, but what truly makes a great friend? In this episode, we’re diving into the characteristics of healthy, fulfilling friendships and how to foster them. From emotional support to setting boundaries, we break down what it means to show up for the people in your life. We also share our personal experiences, lessons we’ve learned, and why quality always trumps quantity when it comes to friendship. A true friendship is a two-way street—so let’s talk about how to nurture the ones that truly matter. Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll get into the bad and ugly side of friendships! 

• Join the conversation: How do yourself, and your closest friends measure up to these standards? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
• What She Said:  "A friend who understands your tears is so much more valuable than a friend who only knows your smile.” -Dr. Suess (maybe)
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• Microphone flags by Impact PBS
• Intro music by Cymatix
• Logo by @makariann 
• Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com

Transcript

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if you had to Ballpark a number? How many friends have you had over your life? That's a really hard question. Well, I would say at any time. After high school. Because that was where most of my friends were. So, I ended up staying here in Greenville and all of my other friends went away to college and so kind of had to start over again and I would say from that point on, I would say no more than 20 close friends, enough that I keep in contact with them at the max because you only have so much, close Yeah, capacity, capacity, you know, if I have a friend, I want to be there for them or whatever. And so I really think, after college or graduation of anything, and then you begin to get married, have children, that friend group gets smaller and smaller, but it gets deeper. As you go through. And so right now I would say I probably have about 20 close friends that I could call right now. Okay. That's what I consider close friends, like somebody that I can call in an emergency or somebody that I haven't talked to for like months, but every time I see them or every time. Just pick right up. Yeah, you just pick right up. Yeah, those are the best ones. And those are the best ones for real. Yeah, they are. Because they're not needy. Yeah. They don't need me. And I don't necessarily need them. Yeah. Now. The moments of need come, but I think that's what a true friend is, is when they're able to just like forgive, grant grace. When they look outside themselves and they could say, Oh, I haven't heard from Ronnie in two months, but yet they can see that I've been very Busy or there's a life change that's happening. Yeah. they grant so much grace. Yeah. And they don't say, where were you when da da da da da. Yeah. So. Yeah, those are the best friends. How about you? Man, I don't know. I always struggled with making friends for a long time because I was homeschooled and very sheltered for a long time and so when I finally did get into school and sports I was so socially awkward and I had social anxiety like no one's problem and I don't know, like now I'm a lot better with making friends. It took me a while to figure out how to make friends as an adult and not part of like a volleyball team. Yeah. I feel like I've always had like built in friends not necessarily like close friends. I feel like maybe Throughout my entire life, I've had maybe like 10 really close friends. And now I kind of, my circle's definitely gotten smaller. As the years pass, where I've like, 4 to 5 really close friends. Yeah. And I feel like that's a good number. Yeah, it is. And I would say like, super close, other than, I've got all my friends from my Bible study. I have that. But like, Super close. Speak to less than 10. Yeah. Well, and you're an extrovert too, so I feel like you maybe have more close friends than I would. Yeah. Yeah. But there, again, I think just over time, you, you kind of figure out what you really need in a friend. But before you, I guess before we should think about what we need in a friend, we should think about how to be a good friend. Because when we put out there what we're looking for, It begins to transition our desires, and then things are getting met that we maybe never would have thought a friend could do or that person could be there for you in that moment. Yeah. So I agree too. Yeah. you, if you haven't guessed it yet, we're going to talk about friendship this episode. Yes. And. We're excited to talk about it. We're going to talk about what to look for in friends, characteristics of a good friend, and obviously everything we're talking about today. First, look at yourself and say, am I having these characteristics, before I go out and seek things in friends. Make sure you're the type of person that attracts those type of friends. Going to talk about How to identify signs of an unhealthy friendship. What to do when friendships get toxic. How to let go of friendships. And how to foster healthy boundaries in friendships. So, friendships is an integral part of life. I feel like especially for women, we depend on friends maybe a little bit more than our male counterparts do. I know that Weston doesn't have a ton of friends that he talks to as often as I talk to my friends. I had someone very wise tell me one time, they said, Women's friendships are face to face. Men's friendships are side by side. So, they like to do activities together. You know, go hunting together, or just sit in the same area together. We need the conversation. And so, with that being said, some of you may be thinking, well, I've got everything I need in my spouse. I have a lot of folks that I've met over the years that have talked about their spouse being their best friend. And that's fine. I don't put that on Jim because after 30 something years, I know what he has to give. and then the other thing I think too, is like seasons. We've got to be okay. I feel like when we pigeon proof people into our very best friend, one thing we're doing is we're excluding our other friends and we've suddenly made. One or two people in the room more of a priority and everybody knows that because you can tell you say Oh, I was with my best friend that da da da da and I'm not saying best friends aren't capable. It's not possible, but for myself you know, you're definitely one of my closest friends For sure, and then maybe there's three or four, but I would I always hesitated to say my best friend again, because whoever I'm talking to, if I'm not mentioning them, it, it makes them feel, um, inferior and it could never be your intent, but just caution that. And then also, you know, if you're dependent on your spouse to be like the best friend you've ever had, if you can get all that great, you married great, but, I just decided long ago that. I had to let him off the hook that that was not fair to him just for our relationship personally. It was not fair to him to ask him to meet all those needs. So yeah, that's fair. Yeah. I think it is important not to like label things early in a friendship. I don't know if I agree with never calling anyone your best friend cause I think you're always going to have friends that maybe get you in a way that other people don't or it's just, that's your person. Yeah. But I think labeling things early and we'll, I think we'll get into this later can make you feel trapped once the seasons change. Yeah. But I don't know. I think, Like, I have people that I call my best friends, and I don't have, like, one person that's like, that's my best friend. I have, like, a group of, like, three girls. I'm like, those are my bestest friends. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah. We'll get into it. before we get into it, go ahead, and while you're here, once you're finished listening, If you could leave us a review, we would so, so, so appreciate it. It would make our day. We're still pretty new to this, we're a month in, and we want more feedback, and we also want to continue to get our stuff out there, so how you can support our journey is just by doing the little things. But I think the biggest thing you can do if you like our podcast is tell a friend. If you know someone that likes the kinds of materials we're talking about, go ahead and recommend it to a friend and see what they think. I think word of mouth is gonna be really huge for us. So, if you like our podcast, tell a friend. We appreciate it. Yep. Thank you so much. Absolutely. Well, welcome to the generational tea podcast. And we're your host. I'm Kena. And I'm Ronnie. And we are so glad you guys are here to join us. We've got a fun show for you today. a lot of the shows that we present are a little heavy. And so we are coming to you with something that's not quite. As heavy and a little bit lighter. So we're excited. Yeah, it should be good. What does it mean to you to be a great friend? A great friend is someone who's doesn't have Their hands out saying feel me feel me feel me. Yeah that of itself. A great friend is somebody that wants to share a meal with you um, my neighbor friend Lisa, you know, she'll make a big pot of food and say, Hey, I have enough for you guys. Do you want to come? Or do you want to, you know, some practical things like that? That is a great friend to me, but, but primarily, I don't think. First thing is, of course they love me, and I love them, but then also, not having to feel guilty. They don't put a pressure on you. Mm hmm. Yeah, I agree. For sure. I think a good friend is someone that Definitely loves you unconditionally. But before you even get to that stage, I think a good friend is I think I'm realizing as I get older, that as far as friendships go, and making new relationships and all that, like the effort and the intention, and all of that is so important, because I know how busy I am trying to just Do life. Yeah. All the time. So when I go out of my way to get to know somebody or make time in my schedule for them, or if I'm getting that too, like I know someone who's really busy life, but they're getting the time to like ask me questions and really get to know who I am, take me out for a coffee, like all kinds of stuff like that. I feel like that's what starts a good friendship and then maintaining it, obviously, as the friendship carries on. Yeah. But I think the intention and the effort and like really stepping outside of yourself and being selfless and getting to know people is the basis of starting great friendship. Yeah, and you made a very valid point. Somebody asking about you. You'd be surprised how rare it is. Like sometimes I will hang out with somebody that like, we're kind of friends of convenience and whatnot. And my first instinct is just to start asking the questions about themselves. And then sometimes I'll realize like I'll, I'll be driving home or it'll be like days later. And I'm like, they didn't ask me anything about myself, which is fine. Like I don't need them to, but just being aware of that, I'm like, okay. This is maybe not like a friendship. I want to pour all my time and energy and yeah, all that into just being aware of that stuff. It doesn't mean it's a bad experience, but yeah, I feel like a lot of our audience are more in their 20s and 30s. but I'll tell you something happened. I just recently got back from Miami. Jim and I, normally we just stay right there in the Miami area, go to South beach, whatever. But we decided that we were going to go up. up the coast, north. So we went through Fort Lauderdale and after we turned around and we're coming back down, there was a little town, I think it's called Hollywood, Florida.. You know, you can tell it's more of a residential area, but there are still, I think there's a lot of converted hotels and old time motels into, like, apartments and stuff for seniors, and we're riding down this road and everywhere I'm turning, and we're not even on the beach. We're like on But everywhere I turned, there was one common thing that I saw and it was groups of ladies and I'm talking these ladies are probably late 70s, 80s plus that were all hanging out together at the little pool with their little swim hats on or whatever. And it. It was a consistent pattern. yeah, so it was just, as I've gotten older, and I'm not, I'm not saying I'm old. I'm 52. So getting ready to be 53. So I'm certainly not saying that I'm old, but definitely as I've gotten older, you start looking at how much time has passed and how much time you have ahead. And especially like when you begin to retire and you have a whole lot more, contact with your spouse or your life partner. There can be a tendency to kind of say, okay, well, this is as good as it gets, not in a negative way, but in an appreciative way, but this trip and just riding down, I mean, it could have been a quarter of a mile at the most and seeing these groups of ladies all hanging out, no men around them, not, not to say that men aren't great, but it was just really, you could see like This friendship, you could see them laughing, you know, sitting around in the lounge chairs and they're not worried about what kind of suit they have on. They're just in a swimsuit, you know, it's not, no one's sizing one another up and they're all just loving freely. And it was very encouraging to me. you know, this is not the end. Not that I'm at all thinking that, but, there's still a lot of good years ahead. Yeah, for sure. Is what I was able to kind of just take in, swallow, digest, and let it run through me. Yeah. That's good. That is a little dose of hope. It was a great. You didn't even know you needed. Yeah, I didn't. Well, friendships are like one of probably like my top five like reasons why life is awesome. When life sucks most of the time. Sometimes. But some of my fondest memories I have with my girlfriends and me and Weston have been moving around a lot, and I've met new friends and have just added so much to my life, in terms of, like, happy memories, and good times, and just, also, like, examples to look up to, and, friends that make me better. Yeah. Yeah. Great. So, first, we are going to talk about, and I'm, I'm hoping this is mostly common sense for people, but this is all research based, and we wanted to have a section about it, I think it's a good thing to remind ourselves of, and maybe grade our friendships on, and also grade ourselves on, like, do I have these characteristics, am I showing up frequently? in these areas to my friends, so we're going to talk about characteristics of a great friend. So the first one is emotional support. I think this is probably the most obvious one, is friends that are there through life's ups and downs and the transitions, and research shows that strong friendships increase. Longevity and mental well being. I think a lot of people, maybe, and a lot of friends will say like, Oh, I got you, like I'm always going to be there for you, and it's easy to say those things, but when you're actually down bad, or your friend is down bad, are you going to show up for them? Have your friend shown up for you? I think that's a good thing to think about when talking about friendships, because I think a lot of things can be verbal, but the actions may or may not follow. Yep., Also, we're going to talk about honesty and accountability and true, true friends tell the truth. I'm going to put something in love or with love, with, with gentleness, but you definitely need people that are not just yes, people, we don't need people that are carbon copies of ourselves. Yeah. And I would say that that is one of the greatest pitfalls of life is. Surrounding yourself with yes people. Yeah surrounding yourself with people that are going to just be yes, that's great You know keep doing that self sabotaging behavior. Yes. Yes. Yeah tickling of the ears and it feels good in the moment But there's really not a lot of personal growth that you get out of that Something like that. I think it's important to have friends that you can have I guess confrontations may not be the right word but you can have disagreements and be willing to learn from each other and talk it out and at the end of the day you still know you love each other and that having a disagreement is not like a whole big thing. I will say I was a yes friend for many years. Okay, many, many years. I failed. Well, I think that was coming from being very socially anxious, not having a lot of self worth, being a people pleaser. I was afraid that if I would ever like disagree or confront my friends or like try and point something out or whatever it was, like I didn't have the courage to do that. And I just wanted everything to be willy nilly happy. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm getting the courage to do that now and it feels good It's scary like when I first started doing it, but it feels good Yeah, and I mean this is something that I feel like you and I have really had to go through this last stint of living together is just We've both grown individually and so putting that back in and we both Have different things that are going on in our lives now. Yeah, so Definitely, that's something that you and I've navigated through and I love you for it because it's so good I love you too, but I think when I was living here last I was still kind of that yes person Yeah, I think I've grown a lot and we've had like Not huge disagreements, but like, we never disagreed or had a little tiff or anything when I lived here for what, six months? Yeah, and I think that was both of us being on our best behavior. Until I locked down the deal with your son. Yes, once she had him, uh, the gloves came off. The gentle gloves came off. for an example, you know, telling the truth. When you know, it might be tough for your friend to hear. Yeah, a friend who kindly but firmly calls you out when you're self sabotaging or accepting poor treatment., I think when someone is willing to tell you the truth in love. and I always say in love, because we can tell people the truth and it'd be hurtful or not have the, you know, the intention behind it. And I've had those people too, that'll like say negative stuff about my hair or whatever. And it's just a way for them to feel better about themselves. But, if a friend is willing to risk your friendship in order to save your life. In order to help you, or encourage you to not continue to, replicate that, um, habit or that, toxic relationship in another way. When a friend is willing to sit you down in love and say, here's what I'm seeing, truthfully, here's what I'm seeing. That is a friend forever because they love you more. Then they love their friendship with you. They're willing to lose it all and I will tell you over the 52 years that I've lived there have been numerous instances. I have felt,, a pull to be honest with a friend in a loving way. And for you guys who are like, well, I did that one time and it was a disaster. You, you have to really just go ahead and sit. Sit with the intention of your heart. Yeah, and don't get bogged down with how they're going to respond Because that fear will paralyze you and so then what will happen is you'll become Frequent acquaintances and there's no depth in that. So if a friend is willing even if you 100 percent disagree with what they're saying and you're like That was not my intention. That's not the way, but if a friend is willing to come to you in the right way and with grace to try to talk out something that looks different to them or may appear difficult, that is a keeper. A hundred percent keeper. I would rather have a friend like that than one that wants to go hang out at the pool with me every day. Yeah, and never talk about anything real. And never talk about anything real. And not ever, like, settle into something. I agree. Yeah, so. I think the other part to that puzzle is also, like, Yourself and your friends, making sure that there are people that are humble enough to not, well, not immediately go into defensive mode when someone is bringing up an issue or a concern that they have. Because at the end of the day, people that do this, and like Not all people. Some people are probably just gonna, well. Some people may say things about what you're doing. They may come from a place of true judgment. Yeah. But I think for the most part in a healthy relationship, if someone wants to bring up like whether you're self, self sabotaging or you have a partner that has like abusive warning signals, stuff like that, whatever it is, it's coming out a place of love. And I think love, the word, gets Misused and abused a lot, but I think at the end of the day, if you love someone, you want the best for them, spiritually, physically, emotionally, all of that. There's actually a book that I read a few years back, I think we should cover it on the podcast sometime, it's called All About Love by Bell Hooks. And it really gets into, like, what is love and what does it look like. Right. And that's what I remember hearing. Taking away from that book is like, love is someone who wants you to be in the best place possible. Yeah. Spiritually, physically, emotionally, whatever that is. So, being able to receive that is just as important as being able to tell your friends that and have the courage to do that. Yeah. And whether or not they have the most appropriate reaction, I think you're right. You have to sit with your intention and know that. Maybe they just need to sit with it for a minute, and they'll come back, and they'll be good, and we can really talk about it. Maybe it was just like hard for them to hear at first. But I think you have to trust your gut when you're talking to your friends about these things, and know that if you have a feeling that it's something that's really bad for them, or, and it can be so hard to like view ourselves objectively. So that's why it is important to have friends that will be honest with you. Yeah, and, and I'll just say that there will be friends that you put a lot of effort in to build them up to speak honestly without, intention of reciproc, rep, you know, them reciprocating. Reciprocity. Yes, that word. I don't know. I've had this with a couple friends where they've just been like, Over and over again, they stay in this pattern of, self sabotage. They're in a, a bad relationship that's been going on 30 plus years. And when you talk to them, the friendship can move into a way of almost like you feel like you're the therapist. That's draining. Yeah. but there have been some friends of mine who have not heeded my words, but I, through frustration sometimes, and I have to come back and apologize and ask for forgiveness. My first knee jerk reaction to that after a pattern of time is, this person's not listening to a word I say. So why am I spending this much time and energy on their problem? But they're not making any changes and at that point I will tell you I've done it wrong. Yeah, I have messed up I have cut people out of my life maybe a little more abruptly and I've messed up. I've done it too fast and just be like, you know, I Cannot pour myself out another second of another minute of another day and Continue to see my friend struggle with this relationship or this area of their lives. There are times when you know You've said everything you could say and there's that that friend is just not Going to do anything different where you sit back and you need to really evaluate Well, and what am I getting out this friendship? Yeah how much effort am I given into this friendship and Thankfully, I've had friends that I've cut off that have come back to me and I've had to apologize and, you know, because don't be quick to cut somebody out because you're continue to tell them things and they're not changing. Sometimes. I would say most of the time cutting them out is probably something that should happen if you're giving all the effort. But then you're gonna have those friends that when, once you cut them out, you really miss them. You miss the camaraderie that you had. And so for that, for me personally, was like going back and taking count, looking at what I love about this person, what we can do great. and how much fun we have in this scenario. I've had to come back and say, you know what, this girl has shown up for me when I was suicidal, came and brought me food. When I wouldn't answer the phone, she came by my house and I had to just reconcile with myself first and then beg her for forgiveness and say, you know what, this is an area. That we just shouldn't cover anymore. and we're just going to be the best of friends and we have a lot in common. this is one of my people that I could dial up at any time and they would be here for me. And so just to caution, when you begin to, to feel this, just make sure you really, it's so subjective, but make sure that you're not cutting somebody out prematurely that, um, But because when I think. That it's premature. It shows me that I have a deeper relationship with this person than what they're currently going through. Yeah. And that's hard because you're like, okay, this person doesn't need me in that area, but there's a whole lot we can do fun together and there's something there. So just caution with that. Be careful in how you step away from something and just. There's going to be times where it's going to be a hard and fast But there's so many other times where Personally one side of the friendship feels like it's done, but in that spot It's like dig in deep because clearly if you're both not willing to walk away. There could be more to it. Not always, but I would just say, keep your mind open with that. When you have friends that you're being vulnerable with them, you're telling them the truth in love, you've, you know, made a way for them to escape the situation or, you know, to see your psychiatrist, whatever it is, just be cautious because I've messed up. And thankfully, I haven't messed up in a detrimental way that my friends weren't willing to forgive me. Yeah, I think that's a good point. I think when you do get to territory where you have to, confront your friends or, like, raise an issue that's uncomfortable to talk about, but you think they need, they need to know or they need, you know, you want for them to change to get the most out of their life, I think you have to be careful with, like, Your friend might be receptive, or maybe they're not, but at the end of the day, like, that's their life, and once you put it out there, and they've heard it from you, like, you can't Like, end the friendship, or start to get frustrated with them if they're not changing the issue that you raised. Like, maybe they're not leaving their partner that you think is emotionally abusive. maybe you raised the issue of, like, alcoholism with them, and they continue to drink. I think you have to understand that people are sometimes in a prison in their mind, and While you're friends with them and you know so much about them, you may never know. Mm-hmm The extent of their issues or why they're in that relationship, why they're doing that to themselves. And you have to give them grace and space to figure stuff out on their own. And just know that like you made your voice heard, you told them what you think, like what you think is best for them, or you think this is hurting them, and you just have to put it out there, have that conversation, and then just keep loving them. And then. That's not to say that that couldn't lead to an end of friendship if it was needed. I think if someone was like, truly self sabotaging in a terrible, terrible way, and if that starts to affect your friendship, then maybe that's where you Yeah, start to look at how, is this a good friendship? How much longer can this last? Because I think there is a lot of things where we hold on to friendships longer than we should, but I think you're right is that On the flip side, we can also end them sooner than they should end. Yeah. So it's a, it's a delicate balance. It is very, very much a delicate balance. And so what I, I, not being a therapist, you know, just living life, I would say when you work up the courage, because I think it definitely takes courage, even the bold, the boldest of them all, which could possibly be me. I could be one of the boldest people that people know. But. Can I speak in truth? Unconditionally. That's the part. I think a lot of people can get to the point where they're ready to speak the truth, but what's their payoff? And a lot of people don't want, most people don't want to get in deep with something unless they're getting something out of it. So just when you're speaking truth to a friend, check a little bit of your intention and make sure that you're not having unrealistic expectations out of this person. And you're not saying, okay, I'm going to say this one time and this is the final time. And if they don't take my advice, I'm out again, a lot of times that's necessary, but If it's somebody that you really love and you have a lot of history with, I would just say, cool your jets just a little bit and just always look introspectively and say, is there something that I want to get out of this? Like, it could be that you absolutely hate their husband and everything that he's doing to your friend. I can't be their husband though. So I have to be careful with that. Yeah. Friendship is one of those things where it's like, it's so simple, but also it's not. Yeah, yeah, especially when you mess it up. Yeah, when you mess it up and you know, you just got to be willing to just come in a humble situation and say, you know what, I misspoke. I reacted in a bad way, but again, these are characteristics of a great friend and I've clearly gotten way off base. Yeah. As I, as I usually do, Okay. So we just made the executive decision. Yeah. And then we're going to. break, make this into a two part episode. So this is going to be the good side of friendship before we go to the bad and ugly. When we talk about signs of an unhealthy friendship, what to do when it gets toxic, how to let go or when to let go. So we're going to do a second part on that. So we're just going to focus on all the good parts of friendship today, which is yay. So our next characteristic of a great friend is consistency and effort. And golly, if this one isn't just so, so important, especially I think the older that you get. Yeah. And the more busy that you get as well, especially when you start to have kids. I don't know yet, but man, all my friends with kids are way less available than my other friends, which I, I am granting severe grace because I can only imagine. Right, right. You know, you're going to be in that season in the next 10 years for sure. But. Really, what this breaks down to is that friendships thrive when it's a two way street, when both parties are making the effort and the balance is even. Now, I think the balance may not be even constantly. I think the scale tips and sometimes, like, one friend is more available, like, one friend has It's money to take the other one out, like, I think it's never going to be 50 50 always, but I think the important thing is that over time, it is kind of an even balance. Not that we're keeping score, because we can't be doing that. Yes. I think when you have the capacity to donate your effort and time into a relationship that you care about, then you should be, and sometimes you're not going to be able to be, and that's fine. I think the friends that understand that are some of your best ones. Yeah. Another, thing for a good friendship is celebrating wins. do you have any kind of examples where you feel like somebody was, yes, you do. Okay. I have like a good one and a bad one. Okay. So let's hit it. Okay. So the bad one is, I have another podcast that I launched last September that I was so, so excited about. I feel like I had struggled so long trying to find something that I was passionate about and especially something that I could maybe turn into a career or a job, which is what I'm hoping. But I was telling someone that I had a long time friendship with. We're no longer friends anymore. we had been long distance friends for Most of our lives and she came to visit me and I was just telling her all about my podcast and did she say congrats? I'm so happy for you. No, did she ask me questions about it? No And I didn't even realize right off that it took me like a few weeks to realize like wow Like she really didn't celebrate how excited I was about it when all my other friends were like so happy for me And this leads me to my next example Which is my friend, Bebe, who's amazing. Shout out, Bebe. Yay, Bebe! When I actually launched said podcast, she invited me over to her house, she bought us champagne, made me breakfast, and went on for weeks and weeks about how happy she was about me starting this journey. And it just touched my heart so deeply. And it also made me realize, like, again, my other friend. I was like, wow. Really didn't show up for me on that one. So, I think really, truly, There are friends that don't want to see you succeed more than, more than they do. Yeah. Because it can turn into a jealousy thing, or they're just so self absorbed that they don't even have the The gut instinct or the reaction to support you initially. Yeah. Which is crazy, because I think when you have a friend, especially one that's like a long time friend, you may not even be looking out or noticing things like that that are happening, but they are. So that's why it's important to have diverse friends, I think. And also I mean, constantly evaluate your friendships, and I think just be careful on who you get really, really close to without making sure that they have all these things that you need, which I feel like is the bare minimum of friendship, like all these characteristics, whether they look like max effort or a little effort, like, depending on the season, like, your friends have to have these. You have to have these. Once again, goes back to you. Yeah. Yeah. one thing, uh, that I thought about with this is, especially your generation, there's a lot of moving around that happens there. Jobs that gets lost. There's jobs that gets one. There's locations where you have to be. And then there's the location you need, like geographically to move. Yeah. On to your next thing. I had this great friend. We're still just the best of friends, but her name is Jody and Jody and I met, we each have two boys. And so we met at church when our babies were little. Like I had not even had Weston yet and it was so fun because I would work night shift and she would pick up the kids from Mother's Morning Out and drop them off to me. And I just loved her friendship. She's probably the first person that I really felt like was a great friend or a best friend. Well, fast forward like 18 months, we are still fast friends. We take our kids, you know. Out together, great friends at church, all the stuff. Well, her husband, he was in part time ministry, had call into full time ministry, but that was going to be me moving, like five hours from us. you know, obviously when they announced it before everybody. There were lots of, folks that were like, Oh my gosh, we're going to miss you not understanding why they have to do this. And I remember the morning that it was announced from the pulpit that she and I, I went down and sat beside her and I held her hand. what she told me later on was that I was the only person that was happy that they were moving into another. Place in their lives. Well, so I might not have been the only one but maybe I had the loudest voice because I Knew at that point to celebrate her win. I had to be okay with my loss That's good, so there are times when you may not feel it actually most times I, I feel like our most authentic self is when we do something, because it's right even, even when it feels bad. I just think again, doing something, right when it doesn't, doesn't benefit ourselves. Personally, and it could cost us something. Yeah, it can be hard. It was hard, but I was so excited for them as a family and I genuinely was because I knew how stressful and how much like managing a family business and then doing part time ministry and then having two small children and a wife that's trying to just keep it in the middle of the road. She was in, she had moved to town. She was not from this area. And, and I just, that was one time that I got it right. There are so many other times that I did, but I didn't really know that part of it until years later. Cause she was like, you, everyone else. And it wasn't a bad thing about everybody else. It was just different that, I was able to. To celebrate with her the excitement and the potential and they were going to be close to the beach now. And how exciting would that be? And I'd love to say that we saw them every year that did not happen. Lives changed. They got busy, continued being busy. We were continuing with our lives and it was five hours away, but. celebrating a friend's win, even if it costs you, you know this win is going to cost you. That is where life changes. That is where the marrow of your body can start. To change from something that I, I, I, me, me, me, to celebrating other people. And you'll find it really quick. If you dive deep into celebrating the wins, I think it could be the catalyst to having better friends and to being that best friend. I think you're right. I think that is a powerful statement. Immediately after you said it, I thought of two instances with the same friends I just mentioned, where I was like, there's the difference. Yeah. Like, that's why I'm not friends with this person, and this is why I'm probably going to have this other person in my life forever. So, for example. the person I'm not friends with anymore, I felt a lot of hesitancy, and not necessarily animosity, but it just didn't feel like, She was celebrating as much as a lot of other people were in my life at the time is when I was getting engaged and married to Weston. Now obviously, when your friends get married, you lose a little bit of access to them. Yeah. Because they have a relationship in their life that is like this huge mountain that's taking a lot of time and effort to maintain and it's just kind of how it is, I think, when you have people, when you get married, like I definitely didn't have as much time for my friends as I did in the past because I was so focused on me and Weston and our relationship, which is what we needed at the time and we still do. Yeah. Cause we're in the early stages of marriage, but I just felt like all my other friends were like, I am so happy for you. Like, this is so great. Like yada, yada, yada. And I just didn't get that same enthusiasm from her. And I just attributed it to like, Oh, well, that's just not how she is. Or. Oh, like, I guess, like, it does suck for her that I'm getting married because she's, she's not in a relationship and doesn't want to get married for a while. So I was, like, making excuses for her based on that. When, deep down, I was like, I wish she was excited for me as, like, my other friends were. Because at that time she was someone I viewed as, like, one of my closest friends. And then, just recently, my other friend Bebe, shout out again Bebe! Yay, Bebe! When I had been living in Georgia, that's where I met her, we were super, super close. I am still close with her kiddos and her family and just love her so much. But, She was obviously very sad that Weston got a job and we're going to be moving pretty far from her. And, like, it was definitely a loss for her, obviously a loss for me as well, but she still would say, like, I'm, this is such a great opportunity for you guys. Like, I told her all the details and she was like, yeah, you can't turn that down. It's a great opportunity. Like, that's exactly what you guys need. Like, I'm going to miss you so much. I'm so sad. But at the end of the day, she was still celebrating that, like, that was a win for us. This next move in our life. Yes. So, dang. So she, she's a keeper. She's a keeper. Bebe, you're staying around, girly. I'm gonna keep you, your little Bebe, and the little Bebettes. Oh my goodness. Okay, our next and last section is just gonna be talking about some things that you can do to foster healthy friendships and healthy boundaries and friendships, because that's another thing. Friendships, sometimes you do need to have boundaries, whether Maybe, for example, you do have a conversation that's difficult about you think their husband or partner isn't treating them right and they continue to stay with them and accept that treatment. Maybe you have a boundary that like you just don't talk about their husbands anymore. That is exactly where everything segwayed for us. Yeah. It's like, this is something, it's It's an animal that I cannot partake in and clearly I've not been able to make a major change But there's a whole lot more involved in our relationship that we can't agree on or have that banter back and forth instead of Me being the therapist, so to speak. Yeah. Self imposed, of course. Boundaries are important, I think, with friendship. Especially when things start to get delicate and tricky. And stuff like that. So you can still retain what The best parts of the friendship and what you love about each other. Yeah. But you're also like, okay, we're just not gonna talk about that anymore and that's fine. Yeah. Yeah. But we both know that and we're both gonna respect that boundary. Yep. So, first up, communication! It's like the pillar to everything important, honestly. And this is something I've struggled with as well. While I was being a yes person, I was also being a person that was like, I'm just not going to bring up any issues ever because that sounds incredibly uncomfortable. So, making sure in your friendship that as issues come up, whether they do something you don't like, or maybe they didn't consider your feelings, or vice versa, just making sure that you're addressing issues as they come up instead of letting resentment and patterns start to build up. And then you're getting to a point where you're like, we can't even fix this friendship, because if I let her know everything I'm feeling, it's just, it's gonna be a lot to handle all at once. Yeah. And I think some friendships can't overcome that, which, rightfully so. Yeah. And, and also communicating, um where you are. What you need, yeah. What you need, what you have to give first. Mm hmm. And then what you need. And for instance, I can think of when you've, especially in where you are right now, like where you guys are the twenties and thirties, a lot of folks aren't even married and certainly a good majority have not started to have kids yet. So when you begin to have kids. Or when your owned, circle gets larger and maybe your friend is. Married with no children or maybe not married or divorced and, and such like that is really just being honest and open with, these are my, uh, pitfalls. This is the most I can give it this time and I think if it's a really good friendship. Then they'll grant grace to you. But yeah, one thing I, I over communicate as Kane will tell you, I'm always like, if you say sorry again, I'm gonna make you do a pushup. But I do, I over communicate and that can be a pitfall as well. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. So another one, while we just mentioned boundaries, is making sure that your friends respect when you say no. If you're not comfortable doing something, or talking about something, or whatever it is or looks like. Make sure that you Listen and respect when your friends tell you no about something or set a boundary with you and then vice versa. Yeah. And again, this comes out with Am I more focused on what I need or what I can get? For sure. The other quality is, quality over quantity. I mean, we were just talking in the beginning how our circles have gotten smaller. So much smaller. I think definitely when I was younger, it was a quantity thing. Like, I want to be popular. I want to have as many friends as I can. As many people to like me as they can. And now I'm just like, who gives a F? Well, and, and I'm seeing this in some of, the covering groups that I've seen over the years just happen. You watch these big groups of girls that best friends in high school, college roommates, and then you, you begin to see, the deconstruction of that. This person got married then this person got married and then this person, you know So if you're in a if you're in a state of life where you don't have a whole lot of other things Vying for your time and you have that time just be conscientious of When it needs to adjust be that person that's willing To do that adjustment first. Yeah. And then, then what happens if you, if you take the lead on that and you see that it's something, you know, that this is now going to need to be a quality friend versus a quantity friend is be willing to get in there and do the hard work. Yeah, I agree. Our last one is something we've repeated over and over basically, is be the friend that you want to have. So if you want loyal, honest, courageous, supportive friends, be that person first. I think when you are that person and you have those standards ingrained in you, you can attract and manifest like a mirror and not in the way that like they dress like you, they listen to the same music, they look like you, they Whatever, act like you do. And the fact that they're mirroring, the characteristics you have as a friend and getting them back to you. Yeah. Because I think when you make sure you are that person and you maintain these characteristics and these qualities, it would be difficult for someone that doesn't have those to be friends with you. Right. I think you would notice right off the bat as well. Like, this is maybe not a relationship I want to pursue long term. Right. So I think it really all comes down to starting with yourself first, for sure. Yeah, we've got to get to a point and again, we, we live in a, in a society now where things are so readily accessible. We've kind of gotten into that. Like, me, me, me, I, I, I, what can I get outta this? Mm-hmm. What, what, what, what, what? Instead of, how can I make this person's day better? How could I be the friend that I wanna have? And when we. Especially as women, when we're willing to be vulnerable and honest and open with our friendships, like you were saying, the bull will be cut out without you having to do anything. When you begin to be that friend that you know you need and things don't change or it's not reciprocated in a way that's meaningful and long lasting, then at that point, you can say, I can walk away from this. Um, and, and again, I would just caution, don't do it prematurely. Make sure that, there's not something else in your life, which is pushing you towards this person. Cause that happens a lot too. Yeah. Alright, or what she said. Let's do it. Let's do it. So, this is a quote that's actually an unknown author, but it's widely attributed to Dr. Seuss, but for some reason no one's confirmed that it's from him, so I don't know. But I'll let Ronnie read the quote. It says, a friend who understands your tears is so much more valuable than a friend who only knows your smile. Ain't that the truth. That is some preaching right there. I hate surface level friends. I'm telling you. Yeah, I'm, I'm going to read it one more time because I think it. It's good. A friend who understands your tears is so much more valuable than the friend who only knows your smile. Yeah, I think it can be hard to be vulnerable with friends, like cry in front of them or like really talk about issues that are close to your heart. But it's so necessary, because I think surface level friendships drain you over time. At least speaking for me, like, it drains me spending a lot of time around someone, and like, trying to get them to know on that level, but at the end of the day, whether it's my fault because I haven't shared it, or their fault because they haven't asked, like, I think there's mutual blame there sometimes. But anyways, like, I think it's draining when you're spending a lot of time with someone, and they don't really know, exactly who you are. Yeah. Cause I think love is powerful when, you know, someone loves you for exactly who you are, like the good, bad and ugly. Like they know that I struggle with these issues. They know I have these insecurities. Like they've seen me at my worst, ugliest crying, whatever. Yeah. But it just makes it so much more real and powerful. I feel like, and it makes me feel like. More trusting of them and more loved by them if they've seen me at my most vulnerable Right, even though it's hard to get to that point and to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Right, right and here's where I'll just put in one of my Amazing life Phrases, sayings, comparison kills So especially in the ages of you, but even, even at my age, you know, I have a great marriage with my husband that's gone on for almost 32 years. But you know, Depending on what you've got going on at home, that friend who's single may look really, really good to you. Like, Oh, they're not dealing with the stuff that I'm having to deal with. And then also in the celebrating the wins, Oh, they're, they're engaged or they're having a baby and I've been struggling with infertility. Just some things like that. Just be conscientious of that. Comparison kills and I see this as a big, property in continuing friendships from college into life because everybody's getting. Married or engaged at a different time and then all of a sudden everybody's having kids and you can get bogged down with well That's not happening to me. So like their careers taking off of mine. Yes. Yes Yeah, but harder to accept that yeah, so comparison kills is what I'd love to leave them with today. Yeah I love that. Well, I would love to leave them with a challenge! Yes! Do it, girl! So, um, challenge for you guys this week, whether you sit down for 10 15 minutes, think about it, or maybe journal about it, which is what I'm going to be doing, is just to have a check in with yourself and evaluate your friendship. think about, are these friendships bringing me joy? Are they draining me? Am I being the friend that I want? Other people to reciprocate back to me. So just take some time to think about that. A lot of the times, we're not taking the time to really sit down and think about these questions. Because we're busy doing other stuff. Because life is demanding. But it is really important for us to evaluate our friendships because I mean, it's so true. Like, my parents would tell me when I was growing up, your circle has such a big influence on you. Which is true. I think parents used to say, like, don't hang out with that group. Which, like, yeah. If it's a bad group, bad influence, it's gonna affect you. Right. And you can say like, no, it's not. But it is. So, our people in our circle have a super big influence on us and vice versa, we have a big influence on them, so we need to evaluate ourselves, the kind of influence we're bringing as a friend, and also how our friendships are influencing us. So take the time to grade and evaluate your friendships and yourself as a friend. So like Kima said earlier, there will be a part two to this. This, this podcast, there may be an interview or something different or a book in between, but it's coming in the meantime. This would be an amazing time for you guys to leave us a comment. perhaps something really touched home with you and you feel like a lot of people should hear that again. Whatever you think we need to do, we do take that seriously. This is not our agenda. This is. a group of ladies helping each other across multiple generations. And that is why we call this show, the generational tea. And so until next time, that's the tea. Bam! Have a good week.