The Ugly Side of Friendship | Navigating Toxicity, Jealousy, & Friendship Growth

Friendships are supposed to be supportive, fulfilling, and balanced—but what happens when they aren’t? In this episode, we’re diving into the bad and the ugly side of friendships, from one-sided relationships to outright toxic behavior. We’re breaking down the red flags to watch for, the emotional toll of unhealthy friendships, and how to make sure you are being the friend you want in others. If you've ever questioned whether a friendship is truly serving you, this episode is for you. Let’s talk about how to prioritize the friendships that truly uplift you.

• Join the conversation: Have you had friendships, past or current, where some of these warning signals were present? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
• What She Said: "A false friend and a shadow attend only while the sun shines." — Benjamin Franklin
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• Microphone flags by Impact PBS
• Intro music by Cymatix
• Logo by @makariann 
• Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com

Transcript

0:11

Well, it's March and it's 70 degrees here, like already getting close to 80 and Weston told me in a today it'll get to like 115 on the hottest days. Oh girl. For humor for sure. Humid. It's terrible. You, I'm not ready. Okay. I don't even know how you get ready for that. Other than hot yoga that might would get you conditioned, but other than that, I, you know what? How I'd be getting ready for it. I'd be hitting four tires to the pavement and going to another location, getting outta here. How can I get outta my lease? I decided, I know Weston was like, you just have to get acclimated. You have to be in the heat enough and then it won't be as bad. I was like, no, I'll just get a remote job and hide in the house the entire summer. Yeah, that's my plan. Seriously, it's bad. How hot is it there? It's cool, it's cooler here this past week than it was when you guys were here. It's 69 but it is very windy. I feel like it's a sign that I'm getting older is like, I enjoy talking about weather more. Yeah. Yeah. I remember being younger and I was like, well, people just won't shut up about the weather. Exactly what El surely you have something, we're still eight degrees above, but. I can't find. Oh, so only 20%, 26% humidity. And so that's why it feels like a rock star here. Oh my God. Because of the humidity's down. But girl, you getting ready to be in the ba You, you, you need to reread where the crda sink. I do. That's it is one of my class, like my favorite fiction books. Exactly. I have it here. if you don't get it before Oh, I have it come down. I have a copy. Oh, you have it? Yeah. It's definitely a keeper, but I feel like it would really come, alive for you. I know. I just don't have the time to read it. I made a whole notes list.'cause you know I'm a list girly. I love a list. Yes. I made a whole list of everything I'm planning to read this year, and it was daunting. I would be stuck. So I don't even know that I have time to reread to my old favorites. I am on a mission this year. It doesn't have to be work though. No. I mean, I'll know, I'll enjoy it, but I do know that I like can't fall off the wagon with reading. I gotta like stay on it.'cause it is like a job to me. I want to get like really immersed in fantasy so that I can continue making my other podcast another platform. But yeah, we'll see. Yeah. For right now, let's focus on this platform, everybody. Welcome to the Generational Tea podcast. I'm kidding. And I'm Ronnie and we are coming to you split screen today. Yep. This is how it's gonna be from now on. I'm officially moved to Louisiana. It's already getting hot, not even close to summer. Pray for me, uh, when it gets to be 115 degrees. And I want to make sure I get this down on record and there's actually recordings and other people can hear this. Cana, you cannot cut your hair off. We're gonna have to figure something else. Giving might be tempting. Oh, oh, wait till this summer. Well, here's the thing. Learn how to walk on your hands and your Oh, right. And your sweaty hair can mop the floor and you can get your chores done and your exercise done and everything done at the same time. That would be a great plan, except for the fact that my hair would be a rat's nest afterward, and it already is. If I don't brush it consistently, like the amount of times I've cried in my life from brushing my hair and just like feeling like I would never get the knots out, it's too many. That's like what I know. I'm like,'cause I, I hold in all my emotions and then like I'll just come, I'll just have a blowout. And then a lot of times it'll be like something like that where I'm brushing my hair and I'm getting frustrated'cause it's so thick and it's so tangled. And that'll be like. Up the final push of the set up edge. What set? And then I'll just like every, well, so honestly, it might be a good thing. It's forcing me into having mental breakdowns. I guess I'll not cut it. Well, and then, and then Weston's like, what happened? You were normal and you went to the bathroom and you came back. I was like, well, that I wasn't normal. I was suppressing. Exactly. Oh my goodness. Okay. Well it's on record. I'll try not to cut it, but I make voices. Yeah, yeah. We're just gonna have to get like bunch of extra pigtail holders. So anywho. Yeah. Well yeah guys and girls, we are so glad you guys are here. I like to call gals guys too. It just loops y'all all together. We're all dates here. Hey you guys. That's right. Yeah. We're all bros or bros. Yeah. Speaking of bros, we're gonna talk about girl bras today. Yes. That came out girl bras, but I meant like bras and B-R-A-H-A-H brah, you know? Yeah. Like the girl friends, you know? Yeah. But we're actually, so this is obviously the second part to our friendship episode, right. And we're covering the not so fun sides of friendship now.'cause it's equally, if not more important to talk about, I think. Oh, of course. For sure. Yeah. have you had to end a lot of friendships in your life? I mean, I'm sure everyone does to some degree. Some of them just fade out. But have you had to end very many that just like really went super ugly? I can count on one hand that's good in my 52 years. Most of the time what happens is, and it's not like I've had the same group of 10 of friends that consistently that time at that time. But what tends to happen in my relationships is, people come into my life for season. Mm-hmm. And sometimes it's a season I'm going through. Other times it's a season they're going through that perhaps maybe I have already gone through or vice versa. Yeah. and it's not like targeted like you interview somebody. It, it doesn't work out that way, but it just naturally, once that phase is over, or once, I don't wanna say the purpose is done, but once the mutual, space,'cause I don't even wanna say need, because people are not expendable. So I don't wanna say once I don't need them anymore or once they don't need me anymore, that moves on. Mm-hmm. I think, I think it's more of space once life. Yeah. Crowds out that space that you were in, where you were connected with that person. And it could be anything from moving to a different job. It's not that you don't love your friends that you had before, but eventually you just stop spending so much time with them. So I do think like time to me is currency and it's the best currency I have, and I try to honor other people's time that same way. So if I'm seeing like that we're having a really hard time connecting for coffee now or, or whatever, but I have had some bad breakups, mm-hmm. And, and they were doozies for sure. Yeah. I mean it, yeah, it is, it is part of life. And not that you don't value that person and what they gave you, but I mean, we talked a lot about this in our first part of the friendship episode is just being able to. Not put expectations on things so that when life does fill up or seasons change and you change, like you haven't assigned so much value to that, that you're clinging onto it when it's no longer serving either of you or whatever. Right, right. So that's definitely, I think a lot of stuff that we talked about in the first part. We'll kind of transfer over to here, but we're gonna be talking about some new things and we'll share our own experiences to it. So yeah. Yeah. First we wanted to dig into really just like the signs of a one-sided or unhealthy friendship. And a lot of these seem obvious, but honestly, like speaking in personal experiences, I don't know. I feel like. It is hard to like really evaluate your friendships and see stuff, especially when maybe you do have expectations on a friendship and you've assigned all this value to it. Like for example, I know I had a really long tenure friendship and we assigned a lot of value to it in terms of labeling. Like we're best friends, like we're gonna be best friends forever. We had always been long distance best friends as well too. So I think after a few years of being long distance best friends, we were just like, okay, well this much time hasn't taken us apart. And like the experiences we've had together through common interests made us stronger. Like we just perpetuated that it was gonna last forever. Right. And that ended up not being true. Right? Right. But I think I went a long time without it and there was some bad signs that I could have maybe noticed earlier, but I just didn't have the maturity or really like. I think it was mostly the maturity to like, sit down and like really analyze the friendship and what I was getting out of it. Instead, I was just focused on like maintaining the label because I liked how that made me sound. Like I had this really long friendship and like, yeah, we did have great experiences and I just like liked having that label in my life, but Okay. Didn't actually need it. So we'll get into that maybe a little bit more, but that's just the way's wild way I would share. That's wild because you, were kind of focused on that label of having that and to me, and it could just be, my own, superstition, for lack of better word, like I'm the person that I would never really call someone my best friend. Yeah. Because I thought if I call this person my best friend, this is, I'm, this is for eternity, you know? Yeah. And, and I think that comes from just, my personality of like absolutes. And so for me, it. Just like you were trying to uphold it or keep the, the name, I probably self-sabotage some to suppress that. So That's interesting. That's very interesting. That's different. Yeah. Well, I feel like I do function in absolutes too, but I think I was clinging onto it because I thought that if that friendship ended or if we weren't like best friends anymore, like that was like almost a failure of me. But that would, I mean, that wouldn't be true, obviously, but as an insecure adult, that was how I was perceiving it. Or I was like, if we're not best friends anymore, I have failed. Like why can't I make this friendship work like it used to work in the past. Well, and that's because I just wasn't giving myself the space to analyze what was best for me. I think. Yeah. A lot of other things too, but, well, you graduated college. You graduated college, you were, and I think you held on to, you had hopes because y'all, um mm-hmm. If I'm understanding this person, y'all weren't together in your collegiate years. And so, I think you had almost like a not young childhood friend, but you had a, a, a formative friend in your younger years and then you stayed friends, however distance that, that was during your collegiate years. Mm-hmm. And then you, you probably, and I would guess on both sides, you guys had a lot of hope for that reconnection. if I were observing, I would probably say that you had a lot of hope, you had a lot of expectation, not in a bad way because you guys had made it through being in two, two separate colleges, two separate states, you know, the whole thing. And so I think just the natural progression of a friendship would be like, oh, we're no longer in college anymore. Now we can focus on each other. But if that's not reciprocated or, well, I think Wes no longer served, think just both changed so much over the course of college. Mm-hmm. And it's interesting'cause I actually had two almost tenure friendships, both of them that ended, one ended directly after college and one ended just recently this past year. So I don't know, I both ended up ending both of those friendships and it's just interesting how different they were in terms of how they ended and like what changed for me in both of them. I'm obvi. I don't wanna like speak too much. Obviously we are going to be talking about the bad sides of friendship and what happens when friendship ends ugly or gets toxic or whatever. So I don't wanna like speak really bad on these people because they did gimme something at a time and I valued my time with them. But I think it is a learning experience for me and hopefully I can just share some of that learning instead of it turning ugly.'cause I don't wanna, I don't wanna do that. Right. It makes me feel nasty, right? Yeah. That, that is not something I wanna repeat. Yeah. No. So, but I did learn a lot from them and I think it's important to talk about. Yeah. Yeah. And that leads us right to that first sign of a one-sided or unhealthy friendship is mm-hmm. The convenient friend. Yeah. The friendship of convenience. I mean these are, I feel like this is almost like the most common kinds of friendship because especially for me who was like moved around a lot, I had a lot of friends of convenience in the terms that I just needed someone to be there in that time, but like, it wasn't like a super deep friendship and that's okay. But I think friends of convenience are probably the easiest ones to be one sided because like there's not a lot of emotional investment on both parts, I think. Mm-hmm. Like there is some degree of it, but it seems more surface level than like your really deepest friendships. Right. So I think those can be the ones that are maybe the most one-sided, where they're only around when it benefits them. So for example, like they text when they need a favor, but when you need support they disappear. So there are just signs to watch out for. Yeah. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. It doesn't, I mean, I, I don't think it means that at all. It's just something to be aware of. Yeah. One thing I would say about the, the friends, only around when it benefits them is there'll be times in your life where you, you figure out that you're both, you're you and that friend that you're with are both in that stage. And it's okay because once, once you identify the expectations, once again, managing your expectations, girls cannot say it enough. But once you let other people off the hook as well as yourself, sometimes those convenient friends that can roll over into something, but it's probably very rare, probably. You never know how things are gonna work out. Right. It's just as notice. Right, right. So the next sign of maybe an unhealthy friendship is, and this kind of goes around with the last thing we talked about is like lack of reciproc. Reciprocity, yeah. That's a big word. That doesn't sound right. I'm not saying that right. There's no way. Yeah. Reciprocity. Somebody let us know if you're listening. Reciprocation, right? It is not reciprocal. It sounds funny. Reci. Oh my god, I can't believe Miss Literary queen is over there stump. I know. I usually never struggle with pronouncing words. Risa rec, reciprocity. Anyways, you guys know what I'm talking about. Yes, yes. Okay. So just being aware that's a sign that if you're always the one making plans, checking in, or supporting the M, going above and beyond and you don't feel like you're getting that back and just think about if you stopped putting in this effort, do you think the friendship would still exist over time? Like maybe it wouldn't immediately stop, but over time it would just completely taper off if you didn't put the same effort in as you did today. So another something to think about for sure. Yeah, and I think, I think that question of if you stop putting in the effort, would the friendship still exist? Is is a litmus test. Mm-hmm. That lets you know a lot like Yeah. And you can test that on the front end and it could change. Mm-hmm. But, and when we're talking about these sides of friendship, we are not claiming that we're the best friend in the whole world. I've been a bad friend. I'm, I could give you an example right now where I feel like I was the one, not reciprocating, but that's because when I was avoiding confrontation, I was being a coward because I had reservations about our friendship prior year, like a couple years before we really got towards the end. And I was just afraid of confronting it. And instead of that, I was just kind of like doing my own thing and letting time pass. And they were the ones putting in the most effort. And I just kind of hoped that after a while, like they would maybe just match my low effort and like, just, it would taper off naturally.'cause that's what I was hoping for as someone that has hated confrontation for so long. Mm-hmm. But that was very cowardly of me and not mature of me. So. In the future, I'm want to commit myself to not handling unhealthy friendships that way. Yeah. But there you go. There's an example. Yeah. So the litmus test is kind of seeing if, if you back off, if there's any match of that. And again, just realizing that there's gonna be friends that come into your life that can give you nothing. Yeah. They have nothing to give you. Mm-hmm. And they can still be a great friend and they don't have to be a project. Yeah. And yeah, you can look at them and, and, and I guarantee you, there's probably something that they will end up contributing or you will learn about yourself through that. Mm-hmm. But if this is somebody that you really wanna grow roots with and, and you, it's very important for you to foster this friendship, definitely test that. And then that gives you your game plan. Yeah. There you go. So to speak. We all need a game plan. Well, now that it's March Madness. Oh God, everybody's doing game plans. She hates that. I wa Well, she didn't hate that. I watch sports, but No, this girl doesn't Sports. I just hate watching sports myself. No. And probably hates it with me. I mean, because I scream and yell at the TV like they can hear. That's okay. I know you're just being you. I gotta let you be you. I'll let you freak frag fly. I'll just stare at TikTok or read my books. Oh, yes, yes, yes. But I'll be there to support. this third type of signs of, of a one-sided or unhealthy friendship. Could be jealousy and competition. Ooh, whew. This is deep. Yeah. That hits a cord. Well, it's deep and it's wide because there's so many. As a human being, you're so multifaceted. Yeah. That the jealousy or the competition can be in one area and it can go on longer because maybe that's not the part of your let life that you really value as much. Mm-hmm. Okay. Let's do a little scenario. Okay. Okay. So you have a friend and you guys are around the same age, you know, went to college together, maybe not. yeah, list college friends.'cause I feel like a lot of our listeners are those early twenties to probably mid thirties. Mm-hmm. So lots of transitioning happen in you guys' life. I think since, social media and TikTok and all that has just. It snowballed so quickly, it's mm-hmm. There's a big difference, I feel like. Yeah, and, and so what happens is these people go to college together. They're in the same sorority or whatever, they come home., You've got friends that are getting married. Mm-hmm. You have other friends who maybe didn't go to college and they're deep into their, you know, their career. And you can find yourself if like, well, basically, like Emma was saying, you know, yeah, you can, it's hard being you question yourself. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay. Yeah. But let's, let's come back into friends who can't be happy for you. So yeah. One, one part of jealousy and competition that our research shows is just, you know, when one way you wanna test this is when maybe you have that friend who cannot be happy for you when you've achieved something or you've obtained something. you want somebody that can celebrate with you. Cry with you, laugh with you, So when you have friends that, perhaps when you try to talk about something good that's going on in your life mm-hmm. And you get the frequent interruptions of, let's circle back this, this should be about me the other friend. You know what I'm saying? Like Yeah. You're, you're, you're into wedding plan and you're knee deep in it. Yeah. But maybe your friend is not doing that. Mm-hmm. Just watch out because that might be a pitfall and it may really let you know a lot. And I would just say if you've got bridesmaids and they can't be happy for you. Big red flag. That means sell the dress, honey, get out. Abort mission. Abort mission. Not the, not the marriage, not the man, the bridesmaid. Not the man, the bridesmaid. I was like the wedding dress. And then I was like, oh, I think she's talking about the bridesmaid dress. Yes. Sell the bridesmaid dresses. Yes, for sure. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Well, I think you're right that in today's day and age, social media breeds comparison, which can breed envy and jealousy and competition, which is very unfortunate, but I think it's a very easy trap to fall into. And I think it is like a really good warning sign that like, this is not a good friendship if someone is actually like acting towards you on these feelings.'cause I think they're normal feelings to have, like we all experience different feelings. It doesn't, yeah, it's not a reflection on our character, but whether we're. Actually like internalizing that anger and directing it towards someone else and making those passive aggressive comments or like not focusing on their achievements and celebrating them like that is a really good morning sign'cause mm-hmm. I know I've experienced envy and jealousy, but I would never direct it towards a friend. Like I'm always happy for them. I tend to like take all those bad feelings and like direct them internally to where I'm like, what am I doing wrong? Why haven't I reached that goal? Which is a whole nother situation. We could talk about it in a whole nother episode topic. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But that is a, I would say a severe warning signal. And that's kind of in that really long friendship that I had that ended up ending, that's like the first morning signal that like really made me like. Pause and be like, oh crap, like I don't think I can do this friendship anymore, is I had realized over time that that was happening more than a few times and it was unsettling when I actually picked up on it. Yeah. So definitely something to watch out for in friendships.'cause I think it happens more and if you're like me, I tend to put my friends on a pedestal until like they really, really do me wrong, which is not good, but something to watch out for for sure. Yeah, if you are able to like pull back and match or whatever, you know, maybe you just re-identify that friend as this is not somebody I'm gonna call and tell my deepest, darkest secrets to. I'm not gonna spend hours on the phone with this person, but yeah. don't just say you couldn't talk to them about it either. Like if they really made a passive aggressive comment or they just blew past an achievement you were really proud of, like, it's definitely something you can sit down and talk about. It's not, we're not saying like, you identify that red flag and you're like, all right, I'm done, friends, cut. Yeah. We don't have the scissors out yet. You're done for, it's over for you. But I would say if you notice this red flag on top of several others, or you just generally are not feeling invested in the friendship anymore, it's probably worth considering letting it go, but yeah. Yeah. I think every situation is nuanced and there's so many different complexities that it's up for you to judge when that time would be or what the conversations need to be. Yeah.'cause it's your currency. Mm-hmm. Effort and time. Yep. Oh gosh. Flakiness and unreliability. Yikes. I actually do this sometimes. I don't know what to say. Well, I, I try not to do it often because I know how it feels when it's done to me. But I do feel like when my mental health gets bad, I have a tendency to self isolate and then that will result in me being flaky, which I hate. But I've tried to express that to my friends and they know that, and they're, they gimme a lot of grace for that, which I really appreciate. But I think if it's like constantly happening, not just like through a phase, like with me, when I go through a really depressed phase, that's what I tend to do. But I think it's, if it's like all the time, you never know if they're gonna show up. It's also a red flag'cause we have to show up for the people that we, that we love. Yes. So you're saying like canceling last minute? Mm-hmm. Not following through, making excuses. If it becomes the general versus if it becomes the rule versus the exception. Like if this is kind of like, okay, well I can't really, you know, it'll come up, you'll see it. And, and yeah. I, I too, when I am in, in a low point, uh, tend to just want to stay at home or Yeah. Or be, yeah, really just be at home. And that's not right. either so, well, sometimes you have to give yourself that, like, I think self isolating is mo honestly, most of the time not good. But also sometimes if you're self isolating and using that time to like really figure out what's going on and then not letting it carry on to the point where like, your friends can't reach you or anything like that. There's, it's a fine ba it's a fine balance. Well, yeah, because it is necessary to. Uh, how else would we be able to look at ourselves introspectively, if we're always going and doing and being and busy. Let's fill, fill our schedules up with activities and dates or whatever. So yeah. Yeah. Self care versus self isolation. Yes. I like that. Something like that. So the last red flag, or I think this is more of just like a, a feeling and I've felt this in a lot of my friendships, where I just felt like things weren't clicking is just friendship burnout when it tends to feel more exhausting than fulfilling. And I don't think that's a reflection on either person. I think that's probably a, a reflection of change over time. Yes. And different priorities over time. And I've had to come to accept that that's okay. And it's not a reflection of me or me failing my friendships. But I have experienced that in those, those two very long friendships. I, I ended up letting go of was over time it was causing me more anxiety than it was joy. And a lot of that anxiety was me, like refusing to see the signs and refusing to confront them about it and stuff like that. But I think even generally before that, I was just feeling like more drained by, like, making plans to go hang out with them. Then I was like more fulfilled with joy. And I think that's what a friendship should be, is it should excite you to see your people, to be around them, and you should feel fulfilled after you're around them. Mm-hmm. And that may not always be true. Of course, you go through tough times with friends. Yeah. But like, I feel like I, I keep saying a lot of things in absolutes, but I do want people to understand like, there's such complexities in every friendship. We're just trying to tramp down along the general Yeah. Advice lines here. Yeah. As much as we can. I hope we're being like. Honest, and you guys can see that like, I'm not perfect, but I am learning through friendships. Right. And we're not saying that the way we've done it has always been good or worked. Like I don't want to be somebody who needs to be needed. Mm-hmm. But I feel like some of my, and then I say, but, so really I didn't mean what I said before. I'm learning this from Dr. Phil. I am back on Merit Street Media and that's what he says. So Dr. Anyways, Dr. Lewis and him, and always trust him. But I think for me, one of the things that I probably evaluate is not, is like they don't need me anymore. Yeah. And that's, that's not better. Yeah. You know, that's Where does that come from, do you think? Well, feeling to be needed. I. It's gosh, and again, I, I really look at myself and my friends out there. If this is, if I'm not speaking right about this, please tell me. Mm-hmm. Because, I feel like that I am a very practical person that I have things to offer in an instant. Mm-hmm. They may not be the most in depth spiritual or in depth, you know, things. I look at people as not really that they don't need me, it's that I have nothing to offer them. Mm-hmm. Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense. I think I've felt that before too. Yeah. Like, I don't have anything to offer you anymore, or they don't need me, therefore they're not contacting me.. I'm still working through. I'm not, I'm not in glory, so I'm not perfect and these are things that I have to work through, especially, you know, just as seasons change and times change. But if anything, I will probably say they don't need me anymore. Yeah. Or I don't have anything else to offer them. Where, where, you know, hopefully that's like 20% of your friendships. Hopefully the other parts, the 80% of your friendships, they don't need you. They want you and they love what you offer and they want to be with you. And it's a feel a reciprocated feeling. Emotion. Yeah. You have have to trust that. You just have to trust that and or otherwise you become that overthinker. And it's not fun. It's not, that's not fun. Chronic overthinker. That is not fun. Don't do it. I'm a chronic forgetter and I don't think that's any better. Oh yeah. Two different roads. It is two very different RO roads for sure. That's a whole nother podcast. It's pros and cons to Constable, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay. Well now we're gonna move on from the bad to the, ugh. So when friendship turns from just being unhealthy to downright toxic. Mm-hmm. So here's some of like the really jarring signs that you can look up for. And do you feel like in friendships that are very, very toxic like this where these behaviors maybe carry on for a long period of time? It can be similar to like any other abusive relationship where it's rarely difficult to leave. Oh, I don't if you've ever experienced that, but I feel like in theory it makes sense. I've never experienced it. I don't know that I've experienced it, but I definitely think there is. it depends on how much you, um, need that person and how much they're giving you. I think definitely codependency can happen within friendships. Yeah, yeah, yeah. you shared part of your life with these people, and maybe you continue to keep that relationship going out of fear that they're gonna share what you've shared and you just can't live like that. But I think that might be, yeah, there'd probably be a lot of reasons for sure. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I think sometimes, some people, like some of these things will get into like gossip or being controlling or stuff like that. Even like manipulation can sometimes be addicting because it's almost like exciting. In a way, which sounds pretty messed up. Not that I partake in, but I wouldn't judge someone for being like that at a certain time. I would judge'em if they stayed like that forever. Right. But Right. We're all on different learning journeys. I don't know. I was just random thought I had, but anyways, we'll get into the signs. So the first one is manipulation and guilt tripping. So maybe you have a boundary. Mm-hmm. I'm trying to think of one. Maybe you have a boundary where you,'cause for example, I like to talk about the dirty with my girlfriend sometimes it's just what girls do sometimes. So at least me and my girls, and maybe someone has a boundary where they don't like to share intimate details of their sex life. Like, I mean, fair. Fair enough. If you're not, that's not something you're comfortable with, then that's fair. But maybe you set that boundary with a friend who doesn't see the same way and then they may, they try to make you feel bad for having that boundary. Oh yeah. Are you kidding me? Like what do you mean? Like stop being weird, whatever. Right, right. Whatever it looks like. Right. I think, and this can take form of a million different scenarios, but generally like this guilt tripping for boundaries or whatever. I think that's just the primary example we could think of that maybe, maybe is like seen in normal day-to-day life. Mm-hmm. But mm-hmm. It's something to look out for for sure. Yeah. Gossip and betrayal. Ooh. Oh geez. Have you done it? Guilty? Oh gosh, yeah. Way, way. Maybe not for the gossip. Maybe not the betrayal, but the gossip. The gossip, yeah. Yeah. It's hard to get out of. Yeah. And it's a guilty pleasure. It is a guilty pleasure. But I, I can tell you some of the most, long lasting friendships that I have are folks that they're not like always whole, always good, all that. But, we've made a concerted effort not to talk about other people. With each other. Mm-hmm. Like, especially if you're in an organization mm-hmm. Like a, a club or a, a church or something like that. Where, where you've just decided, you know, I, I want to really get to know this person and I don't want anything to come between how, who they are and what they are.'cause if you start off a friendship based on gossip and then you're always gonna wonder are they gossiping about you? Yeah, that's true. So, and I think there's differences between types of gossip. I think it's human nature for us to go to the people we're closest with and discuss things that maybe can't, like tea sense of, or something like, yeah, let's tea. Why do we start this podcast? Like, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. The T is good, but I think there's a difference in like that going to your friends and discussing things that you're unsure of and trying to figure something out. Or maybe it's just something you can't believe and you're trying to wrap your head around. I think that's different than like speaking with a friend about another friend. Yes. And like malicious. Yes. Maliciously or like speaking bad about them. Especially I think here's the big, the big difference is if you're saying all these things about your friend to a different friend, but you're not actually having conversations with your friend if it's something that actually bothers you, you know, like maybe your friend is tolerating an abusive partner and you're just so frustrated over time, you can't believe it and it makes you think a bad of her over time, which sucks. But I can understand the sentiment and you maybe go to a different friend and you're just like, oh, I can't believe her. Like she's so ridiculous, blah, blah, blah, blah. Mm-hmm. And then you've never actually confronted your friend about like how that's making you feel about her and like how you maybe want better for her. Yeah. I think there the intent has a big part in the gossip and that's where the betrayal can come in. I think if you're doing that, that's where people will start to feel betrayed and a friendship can probably break. Yeah. I'm glad you clarified that. Mm-hmm. Because I mean, yeah, we spill tea all the time, but, but we are not, our intention is not to destroy somebody in the process. No. We're sharing like the self-help tea and just in general. Can you believe she did that? She's the worst. Oh my gosh. Did you see her? Y'all finish it out. People that are my, my age. Y'all know that song that also the, the other nasty side of gossip is like maybe a friend shared a secret with you and you're sharing it with someone else. Yeah. Not great. Yeah. Although, I will say sometimes I share secrets that I cannot keep in with my husband, but if they're like extremely personal, I would never, well, I, and you'll always keep, but my husband also loves the team Jim, too. What'd y'all do? I can help it. What'd you talk about? Who'd you talk about? Wouldn't she like to know? Get your own friends. Somebody's gotta watch the animals. Yeah. But I think this is definitely something that's easy to slide into. So yes, just watch ourselves with that. Because studies actually show that a betrayal by a friend can can trigger similar emotional pain to a romantic breakup, which is pretty dang painful. And I admit that my friendship breakups have been pretty painful in different ways. Mm-hmm. But still, it's not feeling good that, that's interesting. Mm-hmm. And, and I think it's correct for sure. Yeah, I would say so too. Yep. So the next very toxic fugly sign to look, go for is controlling behavior. and this could be so subtle, but, and I think it's probably maybe one that's not as common, but I think some people do have tendencies to have controlling personalities and they might, may not even realize they're doing it. And you may not even realize they're doing it because that's just their personality. But maybe they wanna dictate who you spend time with or how you live your, their life because maybe they just think they know the best way or whatever it is. Again, I don't feel like this is something I've experienced per se, but not to say that it can't still happen and it's something to be aware of. a lot of times it happens not because the person is controlling, but because they're insecure. Yeah. Yeah. So they need like that assurance, they need to know so that they're doing the right thing. They need other people to be doing the same thing they're doing well. And I think a time constraint, you know, like if you have a close friend who's all of a sudden, like invite, you know, wants to get with you three and four times a week and you know, has to be with you, oh, you're going out to dinner on Saturday? Oh, well I'll meet you there. I'm gonna be close to there, whatever. You know, because I think sometimes that controlling behavior comes from a place of insecurity and so mm-hmm. They don't want you to be with anybody else because you're their friend. Yeah. It's, it's like a con mm-hmm. A tangible thing for them. So I think if you have that in mind, when you're establishing friendships and you're nurturing them, then you don't, you shouldn't play. That shouldn't be a big partly, but insecurity is very real. Mm-hmm. And, I have heard of friends who need to lose weight or have lost weight, and maybe a mutual friend within our group. I might be encouraging that person might be three of us encouraging her. Yeah. Keep going at it. You look great, blah, blah, blah. Then you might have that one or two friends in the group that are overweight and it can be anything. I'm just trying to think of something that I've seen and I know that I can put my finger on it, that that's what it was. And, and, but then you have those other friends who maybe aren't in a place in their life where they're really pursuing health or they may be doing it in a different way than you if you think about that scenario. They invite you out to eat all the time or bring stuff over to sabotage your diet. Mm-hmm. Or try to take away the time that they, know that you've set aside for workouts and things like that. Yeah. Yeah. And it, it's not necessarily, I would say probably 80% of the time it's not intended to be malicious, but it is. Um, and I think also just back to this, let's leave a person better than we left them. And not just ghost them out and talk about, you know, here's some things that Yeah. Oh yeah. Exit interview. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard with a lot of these like really toxic friendships, especially if it's like really subtle signs.'cause. That doesn't mean that they're a bad person, specifically unconsciously, but that doesn't mitigate the effect of what's happening, how it's affecting you. That may just mean that they're a very broken person who's not mature and needs to grow or, you know, it can mean a variety of things. But at the end of the day, what's important is you feeling good about the people that are in your inner inner circle. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So we just wanna give you the tools to recognize when things that might be happening and so you can judge your friendships because we, we kind of become who our circle is, like, not necessarily in that full extent of absolution, but the people we surround ourselves with do have an influence. And if they're doing things that are making us feel bad and stuff like that, I think we could, we can maybe pick up those behaviors at worse sometimes, or, I mean, maybe not at worse, but, or we can just like become less of ourselves because of those behaviors. Right. We tolerate it. We. Mm-hmm. And, and eventually you may say, oh, this is not affecting me. But the negativity or the friction, it eventually rubs, it may just be a little tiny pebble in that tennis shoe, but by the time you get finished with a 10 mile run, it has a gaping hole in your foot. Mm-hmm. Because it's just that little nag that just keeps gnawing away and gnawing away and gnawing away. And something that I try to do when I have people in my life that are doing things that, aren't good or that aren't contributing to a positive way. Mm-hmm. I try, hopefully to bring that up or have some kind of conversation. Yeah. if you ever truly love that person, you want them to be better when they leave. Yeah. Yeah. And so I think that's just where the grace comes in, but definitely. Mm-hmm. Think about that pebble and that pebble could be just that friend that's slightly distracting you. Let's say you're pursuing your faith walk and this friend mm-hmm. Y'all used to go on Sunday mornings to brunch and, but you and your fiance or whatever are, are trying to do this. Or it's an organization that you're getting, it's a nonprofit that's every Saturday morning that you go and help with. And that's important to you. And that used to be the time where the brunch was. You know, a good friend. I feel like unless it's something earth shattering, we'll figure out a way to still see you. Y'all, you guys absolutely can work together and move brunch to Sunday if your activities on Saturday or to Saturday if your activities on Sunday and, and you can work together with that. So, again, that takes us back just to matching effort though. Mm-hmm. It does. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I really feel like a lot of friendships boil down to assuming both parties are both fully invested, is just giving each other grace and also making sure you're giving as much effort as you can give at the current time in your, in your life. Yeah. Because your friends should not come at an expense of your family. Mm-hmm. And definitely not as your, with your personal relationship with you and Yeah. Your passions. Yeah. Your passions, your goals. and just really understanding that this may, I don't think people are 50 per percent of the time, not even 50% of the time. Are people doing it maliciously? Mm-hmm. They're surviving. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's, that's all we're all doing is trying to survive. And so they, as much as this has been a positive change for you, if it's a nonprofit that you've decided to work with or a fake thing, as much as it's important to you, it's just that threatening to them because they've obviously put too much, weight in your friendship, but they're not doing it maliciously. And sometimes it's just like going back and saying, you know, I understand why you would feel this way. It seems like I know to you, it seems like that I've given up our brunches forever. Mm-hmm. But, mm-hmm. I, they're still very important to me. And so when is another time that we can do brunch together? And if you really, if you really value that person, and let's just say Saturday mornings is the only time, well maybe you guys can come up with at least having brunch one Saturday a month. Yeah. Or you know, that fifth Saturday that comes every however many months or something like that. Yeah. Um, and I think really just taking stock of this, and I think that's what Cana and I are wanting you to do, is before things like this happen, kind of take stock of who your friends are and where you're putting your efforts, and, make sure that you're bringing something to that person just as they're giving you something. so I think, um, that controlling behavior are just wanting to dictate how you spend time. A lot of that is just survival. These people are drowning. And you may be the only positive person they have. That is not on you, first of all. Yeah. No, you don't take that on. That's not you. That is survival and it's human nature. So if you really love this person or just want to see what's best for them to please try to address it with'em, like mm-hmm. You don't have to solve their problems, but one thing you can say is, I understand how this would be so painful and so hurtful. And so I first of all just wanna say, I hate the way this is making you feel. What I have not done is, I have not said, I hate that I can't be with you every Saturday. Mm-hmm. But more of it's putting it back on. They're expressing their feelings. You're re, you're just. Reciprocating that back to them in a way where you're not com totally isolating it. And again, those, those two percenters that you know, as soon as you get into a friendship with'em that they're bad news, cut that, cut that out. It's not worth it. It is not worth it. And if they really, really need something from you, but it is not working, this person isn't, going alongside what you believe morally or where you are in your personal goals or your family's goals, let it go. I'm not saying everything needs to be resuscitated'cause there are a lot of things that are dead before you ever walk into the room. Yeah. So just being able to identify those relationships sooner rather than later. So less people are hurt, but then also just, I hope that when you listen to this, you're not so much, you do need to take stock of your friends. It's a hundred percent. But what, what's important is if you could listen to these and say, in which friendships am I that person? Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, we always have to look at ourselves first before we look at Oh, all the time. It always happens. And usually if we're doing something on a, on a subject, canan and I will have a personal experience with it may not be with each other, but it happens to us. We have to go back through it. So, so yeah. Especially when we talked about the good friends, and then when we're talking about some of the pitfalls, just take time to also look at, am I doing that to other friends? Because I believe what you put out there, you get back. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Definitely. Yeah. That's my philosophical thing for the Well, I'm glad you made that point. The whole reason I wanted to share earlier, like about me being cowardly and not confronting my friends is because I wanted people to understand that like all these things I'm saying, like I'm taking it to myself first. Mm-hmm. Like, I would never wanna be on this platform preaching about how to grow and how to be better and how to make our lives better if I'm not doing the same thing first. So I hope you know that we carry that weight into this podcast with us. Absolutely. And it means the world to us to make sure we're living it out versus just telling you about it. Yes. Yes. So hopefully we've given you some little nuggets just that you can unpack easily. Mm-hmm. we encourage you guys, it's rough out there, first of all. So I don't care who you are and where or where you are right now, if you're, if you're listening to this, if you're within the sound of our voice, hear us say. Yeah. You are doing a good job. Yeah. At whatever you're doing. Mm-hmm. You're doing well. Mm-hmm. Some people don't hear that. So you're making an effort right now. If you were listening to this podcast, you're making an effort, in some way towards establishing better friendships or being a better friend. First. Hear this, we do the best we can with what we have and we do different when we know different. Yeah, absolutely. So mm-hmm. I've got 18% battery because I'm gonna have to replace this MacBook. Well, I was just about to say, dare we make this a three parter, I think. Yeah, let's do it. Because we still have a section on, oh, I forget when, when to let go of friendships and how to let go. So. Yes. Surprise, surprise. This is like Mexican food. You'll taste it for days. Please do not, do not. I've definitely cut that out. Definitely that in there. No, no. Not a chance. That was funny. So I think you have a, what she said, right? I do, do share. I'm ready. And then are you gonna guess who says it? I hope it's me. Alright. It's a very famous person. Okay. Alright. Who may, may or may not be on the currency of our, on the face of our currency. So there you go. Okay. A false friend and a shadow attend only while the sun shines. Ooh. Who dat girl? Who? She, I can't even tell you who she is. Who? Oh, she, it's not a she. I was thinking, I was like, I don't think there's any woman on our currency. I did not do well in government, hated history. Just wanted to be at lunch and at recess all the time. So, well, it was Benjamin Franklin. Ben o Benny. I knew that was him. I was gonna say, I, I was thinking to myself, do I know which president is on every single piece of skirt? Oh, let's see. We got George Washington. Hey, we got Thomas Jefferson. I'm over here. I'm over here digging in my purse. Y'all Franklin. I'm like, oh, who's on that bill? Who's on that? I'm missing one president, but it's fine. George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Benjamin Franklin, Lincoln. Wait, no, he's on the penny. Or something. He's on something I think, oh my God. Please, please cut all of this out. This is bad. No, this is what makes the podcast good. This is what people will laugh at. Okay. Okay. All right. I only have$1 bills, so we know who that is. Georgie. That's Georgie. Georgie. And I don't even think I have any coins. Yeah, I am flat out broke. Well, but listen, do we have a challenge for the listeners? The challenge is quiz yourself on who's on earth, figure out who's on every piece, and then report back to us. Yes, we're lazy. Yes. Um, well, I would say the challenge is do something unexpected for somebody else this week. Yeah. It does not have to be monetary. I love to watch elderly people go out to their car at the grocery store and I'm like chasing them down'cause I want to take that cart back. That means a lot to me. If I see somebody, I was, I was like, where's the census go? Yeah. Like, I wanna take the cart back if they don't have a place close or whatever. Yeah. So maybe it's something as as simple as that or Yeah. You're do an unexpected act of kindness. An unexpected act of kindness that could possibly be towards a stranger.'cause that's when it gets tough. Mm-hmm. Especially if we're shy or if we feel like we don't have money to do that or the resources to do that kind of thing. But just in my own personal life and in our marriage when we did it, do it when you don't want to, because eventually you'll want to, because you're gonna get. Way more out of it than that Starbucks that you buy for the girl that shares the cubicle who's only been at work for a week. So anyways, Kayla, I like that. That's a good challenge. Are you gonna send me a star BE'S card or I don't even drink it. I'm not, I'm, huh? I'm broke. Uh, best I can do is take your shopping cart to the little shopping cart. Yes. Yes. Hey, if you're going to Aldi and you know, you're going this week, put about six quarters in your pocket or in your purse. Yeah. When you go to get the cart, there's always that little half brick wall at, you know, outside mm-hmm. Where you push the cart back in, lay those quarters, quarters there, lay those quarters out one by one by one. And then walk away. Don't look at, which is nice. Yeah. Because I've found Aldi and I've forgotten a quarter and I've been like, oh, it's my whole days ruined. It's, I'm struggling. Yes, yes, yes. I have dropped everything outta my arms. In fact, I think I did it with you on the phone one day during Christmas time. But, um, that right there, just leave them out there and, and some people will say, oh, but there's homeless people all around and they're gonna come get it. Well, so what if they do need it worse than do Well if they gonna buy with a quarter? Well, that's true, but who cares? You just gotta be responsible for you how someone else uses that. That's up to them. But yeah, I by that argument to be great because. Well, your argument against that, because a lot of times I think people like see homeless people and don't wanna give them handouts'cause they're like, oh, they're gonna go buy drugs for it. Oh, they're probably not even gonna use it for like, something that'll help them. Okay. And you can't, you're not responsible for them, but you are responsible to be a productive member of society and someone that is kind because we all need to be kinder. Yes. And if there's that, and if that really is a hangup for you, go buy them food. Yeah. Take them a McDonald's gift card. I give them a blanket, give them a blanket, something else. You know, toothbrush, socks. Socks are one of the biggest things that people really need. Um, but anyways, I kind of We gotta, well, go ahead. This would just remind me of something actually, go ahead. I think both of us have very generous hearts and part of us wanting to do this podcast was not only to help women in general and to just have a. Podcast where we can all collaborate as women and help each other, but also I think we wanted to, I mean, we obviously want this platform to be big and we're just taking little baby steps towards that goal. But I think when we do reach that milestone, hopefully we're hoping that we can give back. If we turn this into something that makes money, we do want to give back and help people. So how you can do this and to help us support this goal of ours is by one telling a friend. That's the biggest thing for us, is word of mouth. If you love this podcast and you think you might know someone who might really enjoy it, tell that friend to check us out. And another thing you can do to help us is leave us a review.'cause that's gonna help us eventually get structured up higher in the algorithms and maybe be suggested for people who are searching for content like ours. And another thing that you can help us do is again, give us feedback, is we want this to be Collaborative, like we said. So give us feedback, help us shape where this goes, if you think we can improve on something that might catch people's eyes or help us grow our platform like. Please do. We want this to be a group effort and we wanna hear from you guys. So all those are three things you can do that would like really, really help us out in this moment and early on in our journey because we do want to get bigger, to not only reach more women, help more women, but also like help make the world a better place. That's a big passion of both of ours. So yes. Yes. Now you know where we're coming from with this goal, this podcast. So if you can help us get there. Yeah, we appreciate every little bit of help you can give us. Yeah, if you can, if you definitely can, can share it with someone. I've had several people that I ran into and said they really are enjoying it. Um, but the big thing is the like and subscribe too, right? We gotta get that. Mm-hmm. I don't know anything. Subscribe, review all of it. Review all of it. I, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just showing up. Um, that's all we need. We love you guys. I hope y'all have a beautiful week. and there is a big wildfire that's happening in our back door on Table Rock. It's almost, uh, 500 acres and it has zero containment. If, if you could just. Say I prayer a happy thought. Send some, love good vibes to these folks. Yep. All righty. Well, and that's the t the, it's weird.