Teach People How to Treat You | Boundaries, Self-Worth, & Communication

In this episode of Generational Tea, we’re diving into a conversation that hits close to home—what it really means to teach people how to treat you. So often, we let behavior slide, ignore red flags, or convince ourselves that we’re being “too much” for asking for basic respect. But the truth is, the way people treat us is often a reflection of what we've allowed. We break down why setting boundaries isn’t rude, how self-respect plays a massive role in our relationships, and why speaking up for ourselves is not just empowering—it’s necessary. Whether you’ve felt walked over in a friendship, overlooked in a workplace, or stuck in people-pleasing patterns, this one’s for you. Let’s talk about reclaiming our worth and setting the tone for how we deserve to be treated—because we’re done settling for less. 

• Join the conversation: Is there any relationships in your life that could benefit from some boundaries? How did your weekly challenge go? Share your reflections in the comments or via our social media.
• What She Said: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt
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• Microphone flags by Impact PBS
• Intro music by Cymatix
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• Business email: generationalteapod@gmail.com

Transcript

0:11

That's the golden rule. And speaking of other golden rules, what we're gonna talk about one of'em today. Oh yeah. So in my opinion, there's two and the first one has been ingrained in me. Mm-hmm. Ever since I was a child was just treat others how you wanna be treated. Right. I'm sure a lot of people have heard that. And it's, it's a good rule. It's a great rule. And the other one is actually something I didn't hear until I met Ronnie. And it's something that she's always been telling me and it's always stuck with me.'cause I, I don't know, I just never heard it before. But it makes so much sense and I think it's an empowering statement. Teach people how to treat you. That's right. That's right. Amen. Sister. So where did you hear that phrase? Did you hear it from somewhere? I think it's, related to Dr. Phil and, and he, you know, just watching him deal with people and, you know, people like in, that are chronically divorced or, chronic issues within relationships. Yeah. And he always said, you know, people would talk to him about what their issues were and he would inevitably figure out that one of them, and a lot of times it is the female. we're continuing to allow. Abuse after abuse, neglect and all that. And he's like, you've taught this person how to treat you. Mm-hmm. Until you teach them differently, they're gonna keep treating you this way because people do what works. Yeah, that's true. And so I love that you mentioned that first golden rule because I do feel like in order to get to the teach people how to treat you, you have to first be willing to treat people the way you want to be. Yeah, I agree. I feel like definitely if you're not doing that, the rest is, you know, a mute point. Yeah. Well, if you are someone that's having chronic issues in relationships, you either are the issue, you're not treating people how you wanna be treated. Right. Or maybe you're enabling the issue so you're not teaching that person how to treat you, so, right, right, right. It's, it's good. Those two little golden rules hold a lot of power. And I think we kind of overlook'em so. That's why we kinda wanna do this as an episode today is we can say, teach people how to treat you, but what does that look like and how do we do it? Right? We're gonna dig right into it. Before we do, I am your host Cana and welcome back to another episode of the Generational Tea Podcast. Yes. And I'm Ronnie, and we're so glad that you guys have decided to join us today. Yeah. We have some really good information, We're so happy you're here. Like Ronnie said, and while you're here, we would appreciate it if you would give us some feedback, engage with us a little bit. So whether that's leaving us a review, subscribing, liking, leaving, comment, every little bit of engagement we get from you guys means the world to us and helps us reach our goals as a podcast. So yes, we appreciate and love you for doing that. Alright, let's get into the tea. Shouting. Yes. Premium this is, premium is pot. Yeah, this is premium tea. This is, this is like, you have to go to. A coffee shop or a tea shop to get this, can't, you can't just get this tea anywhere is what I'm trying to say. Exactly. Well, why is it important to teach people how to treat you? Because we ourselves are responsible for setting the standard for how other people, how other people treat us. Mm-hmm. I don't think anyone can make you feel inferior without your consent. That part, I don't know where I saw that quote. I've seen it probably a few times, but it's always stuck with me like, yeah, I'm giving them my consent and I'm allowing people to treat me like this whenever I do feel inferior, whatever. Whatever the feeling is. Right, right. And there's, there's definitely a connection between the self-respect you have for yourself. It definitely plays into teaching people how to treat you and also that self-respect will command that external respect. So yes, we'll get into the nitty gritty of the little bits of why and how we're gonna do this, but. Super, super important. I know it made a really big impact on me since I heard Ronnie say it to me so many times, and eventually I was like, well dang. Yeah. Well this is like groundbreaking. Yeah. And you've, it's definitely changed. I mean, I see the difference in you, the confidence that you have, the, I mean, you always, as I, I feel like as an athlete you have, there is a degree of confidence in that, but one-on-one, sometimes it can be a little bit more difficult, I find, you know, so. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I did always find confidence and self-worth through sports and my sports accomplishments, and then when I stopped being an athlete, all of that got ripped away from me. Yeah. And I was just like, so lost. And so, yes, this is definitely one of the things that helped me kind of come along. I'm still obviously working on my, my self-confidence and self-respect journey. But this tool, in this phrase, definitely helped me put things into perspective and put some things into action to make my life better and my relationship with myself better, for sure. Right, right. The connection between self-respect and external respect is, is, it has to go in tandem. So if you're listening to this and you can think about what everybody else is doing wrong in your life mm-hmm. A lot of times, if everybody else is doing something wrong, the common denominator is you. Yeah. And is me. That's a hard pill to swallow. It's a very hard pill to swallow. But the great thing is, is you're not hopeless. S there, there's hope and there's on the other side of some hard work, there's true contentment that you can find through all your relationships as far as whether it's a familial relationship or a work relationship or a long term relationship, long distance relationship. So, mm-hmm. Yeah. So let's, let's get into it. And, I love the first, the first point of, really defining boundaries. Yeah. Boundaries are so important, especially as women. I think we tend to be even worse. People pleasers and we'll just let people tramp all of our boundaries to make other people happy. So yes, I mean, we've talked about boundaries on other episodes too, so Right. We keep circling back to boundaries. Yes. It's so, so, so important. For sure. So important. And, um, it's really just the first step and in a long process, and. it's an ongoing process I feel like that's why it's such a hot button all the time is because going through personal story here, just going through menopause and what my hormonal changes have done to me, and, also, you know, just dealing with disability and things like that. When all that gets stripped, you're kind of like, okay, where, where do I stand now? Mm-hmm. Um, and for me, probably the worst part of, of, Menopause so far, even worse than the hot flashes, worse than the wrinkles, worse than all of that stuff. The weight gain wor even worse than that is the confidence level it just has tanked my confidence and so I look back on interactions and things and I'm thinking, why did I allow that person to speak to me that way? Or why was it okay for me? Why was it okay with me to allow that conversation to continue to go along? Mm-hmm. but realizing also that it's such an internal part of who we are as far as the confidence and all that goes. So. That to me, those of you who are in menopause, I'd love to hear what you say or what you think. But like I said, even worse than blowing out every pair of pants at the waist that you've ever had, is this change in confidence that, it's wrecked me. It, it was, it, I mean, I remember meeting you at first and I was like, this is the most confident person I've ever met. And so it's hard for me to see you go through menopause and be dealing with this emotional rollercoaster of self-esteem. It makes me sad. Sad. It, it can get better soon. Oh yeah. It, it'll get better. It will get better. I feel like it's already getting better. I have made some changes just, within my own self of, habits, um mm-hmm. Routines, things that I need to, set aside. In, in order to get that confidence. So I know it's been sad for you to watch this tanking, but I just want to Well, it's not about me, it's about you. Well, but I just want you to know that, that, that is definitely changing. Um, yeah. I'm proud of you and, and just, yeah. So the, well, it ain't easy, so I'm proud. Yeah. It's not easy, especially when you. Have, you know, somebody with you 24 hours a day every day now. And so, and how does that make you feel? Not, not that he takes my confidence. If anything, he probably boost it, other than the fact that he corrals me all the time. I feel like he's, you know, like the corralling dog, you know, hurting me. No, don't do that. He's a cattle dog. Yes, he is. He is. And he's a good one. He's very faithful and consistent. Oh, well that's good. If nothing else, Jim is consistent. You taught him how to treat you. I did. I did. And he taught me. so this can hopefully bring a lot of, so with the boundaries, we know that there are just physical boundaries, there's emotional boundaries, there's mental boundaries. Boundaries. And I also love the fact that we're gonna point out that there are time related boundaries. Mm-hmm. Because I feel like the people that probably will wear you out the most are those that insist on pushing that boundary. Mm-hmm. You know, the time boundary. and there are some hard lines that you have to draw. And, uh, those can, those can vary from different relationships. So you can't just say, this goes across the board. this is a rule that I'm setting that goes across the board. There are those unspoken rules, like self-respect, then respecting you, mutual respect, tone of voice language, those kind of things are, can be like across the board you can set Yeah. A boundary with that, but then the time constraints and some other things are going to be fluid. They're gonna change mm-hmm. From season to season. Yeah, I definitely agree. And I feel like you really have to know yourself to know your boundaries. Like it's something that you probably have to journal or just like take quiet time to think about. Mm-hmm. Because I think I went through life for a really long time just letting stuff happen to me. And just because I never really thought like I want to have a boundary on people always talking to me respectfully, no matter what. And over time I like worked in some jobs where I was not spoken to respectfully. Right. And I just like, and it doesn't feel good. Like it feels terrible, but I never like realized like, this is a boundary I can set for myself and I can like tell someone when it's not okay. Yeah. I was just such a people pleaser and just like, go with the flow, do whatever. Like Yeah. Under the radar. Right. And so it's definitely really under important to understand and carve out time to think about what are my boundaries And like maybe I do have some that go across the board and maybe I have some that are just for friendships. Just for romantic relationships. Mm-hmm. Whatever it is. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But once we have those in place, I mean, they're gonna help us protect our mental peace. Mm-hmm. Build healthier and long lasting relationships, which is obviously the goal with all of our relationships. And then it can also prevent resentment over time. So if you're letting someone cross your boundaries repeatedly, and you're not telling them to stop, or maybe you're not even like realizing this is a boundary you need for yourself, it can build a lot of negative feelings in you towards that person. Maybe it's like a partner that you really love and you've been in a relationship with and they keep crossing a boundary of like maybe the way that they talk to you and you're not doing anything about it, and it's just building resentment towards them over time. And maybe that is the cause of the breaking from the relationship, so Right. It's, it's definitely important for both parties in a relationship, but I think most importantly towards respecting yourself. Mm-hmm. because I think when you do have a boundary and it's crossed and you don't do anything about it. Then that affects your self-respect towards yourself.'cause you're letting it happen. Yes. Even if you're not thinking that, like your body's gonna feel that way eventually. Well, and that's where the confidence is tanked. For me, that's the biggest thing that I've seen Yeah. well, I'm not, good at confrontation. and part of def like defending your boundaries is confrontation. Right. Right. Which just makes me feel, ugh, that's another thing that I am, yeah. I welcome confrontation because I know it's going to lead to some sort of solution or resolution, whatever that is. If I'm not willing to have that conversation. Then I shouldn't expect anything to change. I shouldn't expect for it to get better. The ball's in my court with that and confrontation doesn't have to be negative. There are certain things that you can do and maybe we'll get into that in a another session about how to have a healthy confrontation and, maybe do some role playing as far as, some sample things that a lot of us deal with and yeah. so let's, let's put that on the list. I think that would be a great, a great session to do. Yeah, I think so too. Um, yeah, and so, you know, a lot of us, and I'm so glad that mental health and therapy and those things are no longer taboo. For the most part. Mm-hmm. And so with that, you spend a lot of time on your mental health. Maybe you are paying for therapy or you, are reading some self-help books. you spend that time. And so when we establish boundaries, what happens is it protects that part. It's like an insulation. You wouldn't want to spend that kind of time. Just like when you get your car washed. You don't just, unless you're Jim Gillespie, you, you kind of pay attention after you get your car wash. You just don't ride off the road or go through mud. And it sounds very, uh, simple, but it's just consider yourself being inside that car. And your boundaries is the car itself is the exterior of the car. And, and so there's a lot of ways that you can move in that car and still be within the car. And that's where I think the fluidity of, some of that can happen. but yeah, the setting of the boundaries can also like reduce our anxiety and strengthen our self-esteem. And it's a win-win. It's a win win for sure. Yes. so Kana, is there any time that you can think of where you were setting or not setting boundaries had a major impact on your relationship? Yeah, definitely. I went to college with a long distance relationship from high school and it was very bad. Mm-hmm. Definitely not what I deserved, but I didn't know what I deserved at that point. and. Towards the end of my freshman year. I mean, he was saying terrible things to me and trying to make me feel guilty for going to college, pursue an education for myself and play volleyball because it was taking me away from him. And I just let him talk to me like that. I let him, guilt struck me. I let him make me feel guilty, and I could have stopped it at the head, but I didn't. And I just let it continue. And that ended up being what ended our relationship, which was for the better. So it all worked out, but Right. You know, that's just the time I can think where I was like, I can't believe I let someone treat me like that. Mm-hmm. And let someone do that to me. So yeah, boundaries are important in relationships, especially for young women who are trying to figure out what, who they are, what they are, where they fit in the world, what they deserve. Right. Right. Mm-hmm. What about you? Well, the closest thing that I have to, that is really just, Again, my lack of self-confidence, um, allowed has, you know, my, probably my biggest disappointment in myself or, or that is fresh on my mind is the fact that I lost my confidence and I, feel a hundred percent responsible for folks. You know, I can only own how I feel. No one can make me feel this way, but boy, it sure does seem like it sometimes. Yeah. So I had to kind of, set the boundary really of time and access for me. I recently, within the last two years, 18 months, two years, really have had to look deep into why I was doing what I was doing, and. Who I was doing that with or alongside. in my faith walk, not so much my personal relationship with Jesus, but in a, church setting, we had to do some soul searching and ended up moving from one church and stepping out and doing something very different in this season of our lives. And, really just, we took a time out. We had to, so I think I had so much hurt of just things that were coming in on me. And so we had, Jim and I had to look at, okay, we've always done this. Not at the same location, but this has been what we've done every time. Mm-hmm. And say going forward. We are changing, we are not gonna jump in so fast. Yeah. Take our time. I, yeah. You know, so, that is very different from difficult for me to not jump in so fast because I guess I get energy from people. I love being around people. And so for me, people are easy. It's the easiest thing that I can do. It's the best thing I can do is communicate. And so taking that step back and realizing that this was not someone else's fault. I got to decide how I reacted and how I felt about something. some of the things that happened were, were very hurtful. I had every reason to be hurt by'em, but that should only last for a small amount of time. But sometimes when. One insult after the other, and they're coming on so fast that you do feel like you're drowning, if that makes sense. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Does so Jim and I as individuals, but also as a couple, had to make a joint decision and say, if it's not working out, cut the access, if it's not working out. If you've tried. I'm not selling people to like cut people out of their lives that aren't giving them something. But those core people that you feel like, that you're, In ministry with, in involved in a nonprofit with, and you've always done things a certain way. When you set boundaries, a lot of times you have to unlearn a lot. So that's fine. Yeah, that's true. That's a very long answer. So yes. Well, speaking of communication, that's what we're gonna talk about next in terms of teaching people how to treat you, is learning how we can do that in a way that we're communicating clearly, and also empathetically, which is gonna be the best way to go when we're having to maybe confront people about our boundaries or teach them what we're okay with. and teaching people how to treat you is, at the end of the day, is always gonna come back to communication. Yes. That's how we express boundaries. That's how we express what we want, what we're okay with all of that. And it's all just expressing our needs without guilt. So that guilt part, how do we do it? Please tell me. Me, I'll be like, um, I don't like the way you're speaking to me. And I'll be like, oh my God, I can't believe I just said that. Yes, yes, yes. But we're not gonna do that anymore. We're just gonna lay it down. Okay? Yes, yes, yes. So a good tip when you're communicating your boundaries is to use I statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Mm-hmm. And putting someone on the defensive. Mm-hmm. So some examples, I feel overwhelmed when I'm not given advanced notice. That's maybe a good way to set a boundary at work when someone is just always piling stuff on you at any given moment. Yeah. Another one would be, I need some time to myself this weekend. Maybe your friends wanna go out, or your husband or your boyfriend wants to go out, but you know that you've been super drained this week, that things are just piling up mentally and you need to do some self-care. Yeah. So setting that boundary of, I prioritize time with myself and saying it in a way, I need some time to myself this weekend to refresh. There you go. It's not saying you're too much for me right now. I, I can't, I cannot handle this right now. Yeah. That's a good one. actually, my neighbor friend, uh, Lisa Joe and Lisa Joe travels a lot. And so, Lisa is so good though about setting that boundary and she'll say, can't do anything Friday. Joe's gonna be gone all next week, and I need to spend time with him. Oh. it could be an invitation of doing something together, like mm-hmm. Both couples. And she's so good about saying, I need to take some time and just be with Joe by myself. And I really appreciate that. And a lot of times it just takes one person to say at one time, and then now I am all I am consciously aware of when I ask her to do something, or when Jim and I are talking about inviting, I, I try to think back and say, okay, Joe's been gone all week. Friday night is definitely, you know, he's coming in. so I think, you know, for the most part, when you communicate clearly what the boundary is, most people will reciprocate that. Yeah. And, and most people will be like, okay, thank God. Because now when she sets that boundary, what it does for me is it opens up mm-hmm. the conversation and the awareness.'cause I know what she's aware of. And so, it really can just make a good relationship. Like way better. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, for sure. And another example in terms of using I statements is I don't feel comfortable discussing that. So maybe you're talking with a friend and she starts to gossip about someone else that you're, you're close with. Mm-hmm. And you don't want that to be a conflict of interest or you don't wanna hear someone say bad things about a different friendship. You can just say, I don't feel comfortable discussing that. And you can give them a reason why. And assuming they're a good friend, they'll probably understand that and respect that. Yeah. And respect it. And, and, and it further deepen that friendship.'cause you know that they're taking care. They're handling their friends with care and you're their friend. Mm-hmm. So you're gonna be handled with care as well. Yeah, definitely. So I like that a lot. Do you have a story time about when clear and empathetic communication, resolved a conflict for you? One that you can think of? I, most of my conflict is, oh yeah, I have a good one. I have something that I've been dealing with for 34 years. Like your husband. And it's, no, it's not him. but at any rate, this, it's a person that I've had to deal with and it's, and she with me and it's, it's just been a round and round circle of, Me getting mad, this person getting mad, not speaking for a while, or just being like, I've tried everything. Like I tried to just, um, expect nothing. You know, I had to check myself at the door. And sometimes you have to do that and, and say, I don't expect anything out of this. I'm just gonna go in here and have this meal and be pleasant. And if anything great comes out of it, well then that's just the icing. and I thought at the time that I was making clear communication, the problem was, is when, a lot of times when I communicated, I was really angry at the time. Yeah. And so, we had something happen about a year and a half ago, and it was like not even that long, but basically what I had to understand was in order for me. To be protected or to protect myself from this toxicity, I had to make the decision to limit access. And then I had to communicate that to that person because it's not easy. It's not easy. and, uh, especially when it ends up being someone that you see often. if it's a family member or someone close to you in proximity, we have to be, I think I was limiting access before, or I thought I was, but I had not communicated that. You see what I'm saying? Yep. I'm, I'm picking up where you're, you picking up what I'm putting down. So we have to be careful that we could be doing all the right things in our mind and saying, I could not make this more clear. But sometimes you just have to spell it out and it's best if you can do something like that. Not in the heat of the moment or in the middle of a conflict. Yeah. But sometimes that do, it doesn't always work out that way. Yeah. and here's the thing I'll say about that as well, is when we're setting boundaries or we're dealing with conflict, that we have to, set our expectations to the side. Because if we're doing this to get something else out, that can be ineffective. Yeah. So I do think when you, especially if you're shifting boundaries or you want, you need to deal with a conflict and it, this is a serious one, it may not go well. setting yourself up prior to making very clear communication. And like you said, the, I, that was something I learned in marriage counseling way, way long ago, is I can't say, you make me feel this way. You, you, I can't say, you make me feel this way. Mm-hmm. I can say, I feel this way when this happens. I feel this way when this happens. Mm-hmm. So for this, it was just what worked for me was, resetting my boundary, realizing that I was not communicating that in an effective way or it needed to be communicated one last time. Mm-hmm. And there are, there's people where you have to like lay it down and say. This is not good with me. I'm limiting my access, the access that you have to me and move on. There we go. and those are for those top of the advice, toxic relationships. These are what I consider toxic. And golly, that's another whole thing. what I would say as far as toxic is not just the, the actions between two people or the attitudes between two people. It is the access. Is this somebody that you cannot cut outta your life. And there are folks and dealing with difficult people, I'm a difficult person. I set those boundaries as much. To preserve myself as I did to preserve that person because I knew that I was gonna continue down this path, that we were gonna continue to just break each other down. So just communicating that and being very specific about it, even if you have to make notes. But the best thing is if you can pick a time that you're not currently in a heated, discussion argument. it always can work better that way. But that's what worked. So when you're dealing with someone that you cannot get away from, this is a family member, this could be a next door neighbor that you're planning on never moving, preserving your mental health can sometimes be directly related to the access that we give others. Yeah, that's true. So there's a lot of, a lot of relationships. You can't just cut it off. It doesn't work that way, but what you can do is you can tighten the access. Yeah, for sure. It's definitely something to consider. Mm-hmm. Well, hmm. My story time, please. well, I had a conversation last summer with a close family member about setting some boundaries in our relationship about. What they can say to me because I, I did have some triggers in our relationship because we had, just based off our history and we had very different religious and political beliefs that was like really a roadblock for me in our relationship. And it was something that they kept bringing up repeatedly because they thought it was important that I agreed with them or saw it in the same way that they did, which was a, I mean, this is an important relationship for me. Mm-hmm. It's when I've had my entire life. Mm-hmm. And that was just getting in the way of it and making me feel like I didn't even want to talk to them, or I didn't even wanna be around them, or just like going into, like, clenching up whenever we were talking. Like, I just felt uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. So I, I sat this person down and first I expressed to them how important they are to me. And again, I used a lot of I statements too. I, I didn't like research the conversation per se, as in like how I should approach it, but I did get some advice from some close friends, and I think maybe you too. But yeah, I went into the, the conversation just. Starting on how important they are to me and how important our relationship is to me. And then I went into like, this is what is a roadblock for me in our relationship, and here's why I wasn't like putting it all on them. I was just saying, when you do this or when you bring up this issue, this is the way it makes me feel. And this is the way it makes me feel about our relationship and just my feelings towards you. And I could tell it was hard for them to hear, I mean, they did have a good response to it overall. And they've, for the most part, like 98% since they've respected that boundary. But I was, I remember being so nervous going into that conversation. I had no idea how it was gonna go. I was worried I wasn't gonna be able to express myself clearly, but I did. Yay. And it worked. So there you go. Yay. Yay. So another thing that we need to talk about when we are teaching people how to treat us is, we want to reinforce positive interactions and consistency. again, people aren't mind readers. Someone, somebody unscrewed the top of my head and do everything in my mind it, it'd scare me to death much less somebody else. But, you know, positive reinforcement during this time when you are shaping the behavior of those around you in regards to how they treat you, is huge. Mm-hmm. Definitely. Yeah. And so just recognizing and expressing appreciation when that person respects your boundaries is definitely yes. Yeah, I mean that, relationship and my family that I just talked about setting boundaries, I've definitely used positive reinforcement.'cause there's been a few times when they've asked me like, can I share this with you? Like it's a little bit religious. And I've said like, yes, that's okay. Like, thank you for asking me before you did that. Yeah. So. It's definitely a good tool to have after you enforce boundaries because yeah, they're gonna get tested regardless, even by those of you love and trust the most. Right. especially if you're growing a lot as a person and you're setting these boundaries for yourself, people are gonna be used to the old version of you and they may not see this growth or they may not recognize it as you are going through it. So you need to practice self-respect by holding firm even when it's uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. And upholding these boundaries. Mm-hmm. Because it's gonna take work on your part and other people's part to get used to this new version of you. Yeah. So, but it's gonna be worth it. It's gonna be worth it. And here's the thing that I would say, be careful what you threaten. Be willing to stick to it. Mm-hmm. When you're setting, you're teaching people how to treat you, yeah. Try to avoid absolutes, but also, you know, if you've said in your mind these are absolute. Yeah, non-negotiables. there are those. But then there's also that, portion that is more, um, subjective. So I think we have to be ready for whatever we put out there. Like, you don't want to ever, you wanna understate and over deliver as far as um, you know, positive reinforcement and such and trying to get, mutual respect. So I would just say be careful, and I've done this, I'm sure in the past is like always or never, can't use those words. and also just, you know, if this is somebody that you truly love and you want this to work, just, um, try, try to set, um, boundaries and during your con conflict resolution, try to discuss things that you know you can stand up to and not Yeah. You know, because if, if your kids are best friends and this person is one of the moms of your kids and you, they play on the same team, you belong to the same pool. Mm-hmm. It's difficult. So just, you know, be careful. Yeah, yeah. About that. I think when it gets to be more difficult, and like for me it's difficult to stay consistent in boundaries when it's like an authority figure. Like maybe my boss at work or mm-hmm. Just someone I view as an authority figure. To me that's when it's tough when they do cross a boundary and I have to like stand up for myself and confront them. It feels uncomfortable because they're technically not your superior, but you're clearly holding them up here somewhere. Yeah. So that's when it gets difficult. But I will say, I think once you get comfortable doing it in the hardest moments, that's when your self-respect for yourself and I think others. Respect for you is just gonna skyrocket. Oh yeah. And that person that you're wi, you're talking with the person that you're teaching how to treat you, that their respect should go way up. If it doesn't, then you might wanna revisit things, but give it some time too. Yeah. Yeah. Give it some time. This last section is kind of along these same lines when we're talking about standing up for yourself, when you're addressing disrespectful behavior, when someone is not treating you how you want to be treated. So we're just gonna give you some more examples and some more tips on how to deal with this. So you have to address when someone doesn't treat you how you wanna be treated. Mm-hmm. You have to, it's like we've been saying, it's a measure of self-respect you have for yourself, and consistency is key. Mm-hmm. Another tip, and like we were kind of talking about along the communication lines, is to choose the calm firm language when confronting disrespect. So some examples, I'm not comfortable with how you're speaking to me right now. That's something I can think of many times, or I wish I would've said that to a boss. Mm. another example is, I've expressed this boundary to you before, but it feels like it's not being respected. How can we solve this problem? Something like that. So very good, very, get some good lines. I think especially the last one, it's very generic, whether it's a friendship boundary or just general boundary across all relationships. I think that's something you can use. Yeah. In a lot of circumstances. And every time that you say I or me, what you're doing is you're owning it so that person can't argue how you feel. Yeah. So they have to own how, how, what their actions are, what their actions are, how you're telling them how you feel. Right. Right. And, and what actions you're gonna continue to allow with that. Yeah. And not only will this make you respect yourself more and make other people respect you. There's actually research studies that show assertiveness often strengthens relationships as it promotes mutual respect. So yes, another tool in your toolbox you can use to strengthen your relationship with yourself and also your relationship with that other person. Yeah, for sure. That's something I definitely want to see in myself more is assertiveness. And I think I've noticed a lot that when I am confronting someone or addressing behavior or bringing up an issue, a lot of the language I'm using is kind of like not firm. Like in my head I'm like saying, I wanna sound like duh, dah, dah, dah, dah. I know what I'm talking about. This is what I want, this is what I need. But my language is like, oh, well maybe you can do this and this would help me. You know? And I'm just like so placating with it. Yeah. So I wanna be more assertive without being like angry or disrespectful. That's good. Mm-hmm. That's a, that is, that is an art that you have to learn. Um, sure. Especially if it's not in your nature. Yeah. Yeah. I, um, well, not that it's not in my nature, but it's not a habit that I have. Yeah, yeah. You're, you've definitely caught on very well. Mm-hmm. And, and I, I, it's been a joy to watch that in you, you know, just, my baby's growing up. She's growing up. Um, and, and, and, and, you know, when you do do these kind of things and when you have these conversations, like you said, it's going to instill mutual respect with other people in your life. And the more you can be firm and assertive. And cut things off immediately. Like not cut them off, but like, if this is a subject that you do not wanna talk about, and maybe, you know, obviously you don't want to go, hi, can we be friends? Here's the handbook. These are my boundaries. I will never talk about this. Don't ever bring this up. You know, we are not doing that. So things come up and it just let it happen organically to start. Mm-hmm. Once that happens, then take mental note, may not be the place right then to handle it. Mm-hmm. And that is something, as someone who welcomes conflict, that has been the biggest pitfall for me is the timing. Mm-hmm. As I've gotten older, I hope, I feel like I've gotten better with that as far as picking, The right time to say something and sometimes just calming down. Um, yeah. And, uh, you know, wanna do it in a way that respects them as well. So sometimes if you're in a group setting, you'll have to take some time away and just focus on it. Like I said, then you can take notes and you can come back and you can write down and, and you know, what you'll figure out sometimes is this, this relationship is just really not a friendship. and so, no, I don't need to have this conversation with this person because they're an acquaintance of mine. They're not my friend. I'm not gonna see them often. sure they, they tried to cross a boundary, but really, I'm not gonna have that issue with them, or, you know, they don't have enough access. Exactly. To me to be an issue. Right, right. Because the effort, you also have to match the effort with the access. Yeah. Because they go hand in hand. I feel like Yeah, that's a good point about letting things arise organically. I think that's important. And I think the more that you embrace and instill that self-respect and that self-care with that relationship with yourself, like, I think that'll like organically set the foundation for how others perceive you. Mm-hmm. And their perception is gonna affect how they're gonna treat you. So maybe you won't have as many issues if you are constantly portraying And it's, it's real is that self-respect and that self-care. Yeah. And it, there's some people I think that are, they make it easier to have boundaries crossed when they maybe are a people pleaser or you know, that they'll just be a yes man and go do whatever and, you know. Yes. So something to think about on both sides of the, of the aisle. Yeah. And, and there's gonna be times when, you're in a conflict and, um, someone, maybe the other person that you're in this conflict with is pushing you to talk about it right then. Mm-hmm. You know, maybe, maybe you went to dinner and something happened and y'all had like a conflict at dinner, but then you go home and they wanna continue to discuss it, it's okay to say, Hey, I need to take some time to process this. I, I don't wanna speak outta turn and I wanna make sure that when we have this discussion, it's, it's not, coming from a place of hurt or offense. Mm-hmm. So I need some time. I think you, that should be probably one of your major things. It's, it's okay to let it lie for a bit. It's not okay to constantly push it aside, because eventually what happens is you just push it aside, push it aside, push it aside, and you're trying to hold this monster down, but then something else. So you're trying to press down and hold these emotions down, and you're dealing with this, this particular line of people, and then all of a sudden something comes over here, comes outta left field, literally. And guess what just happened? You just took your hand off of the two hands that it was taking to hold down that emotion, to hold down that response. So, mm-hmm. You, you do need to address it, but it's okay to sit it in the parking lot. I like to call that the parking lot. Let, let's just put that over there. we are going to a movie. Say you have like a tough conversation with a good friend at, at dinner. You're going to a movie after that. It doesn't have to ruin your whole night. You guys can agree to table it for a little bit. And, and I think that's a part of conflict resolution also, is to just say, Hey, let's take some time. Let's enjoy the movie. I love you. You are, you know, I love you in my life. I know we'll get around this. It's, it's a subject we haven't had, hasn't come up yet in our relationship, but I wanna make sure that when we discuss it, that we both are in a good place. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And if somebody, I don't know how anyone could argue with that. I mean, there are irrational people and there that become violent when they're angry and there's you, you know those people. And, and hopefully you don't want those people in your life. Exactly. Exactly. So hopefully you don't, they don't have access to you. But there are gonna be things that come up and when they do take a breath. And realize, and you know what? When you blow it on it, yeah. You don't have to be perfect. And when we own it, when we blow it, it just is gonna help us further down the road in teaching people how to treat us. Because like we said at the beginning, there's two, there's, there's a two prong to this. One is we have to treat people like we want to be treated. So that has to be in play first. Mm-hmm. And then we can teach people how to treat us. Mm-hmm. Agreed. So, I, I feel like I might be a little preachy right now, and I'm not trying to be That's okay. But I do love that, you know, own it when you blow it. That and do it quickly, as quickly as you can do it when you blow it. Just be prepared. If it doesn't work out that way, that at least you got the chance to apologize, which really, once you apologize, That takes the pressure off of you when it's a sincere apology. So, you know, in your conflict resolution in teaching people how to treat you, there'll be certain lines that you might, or boundaries you might, establish. And then as life goes on, those may change.'cause we're always hopefully changing and evolving and, you know, expanding our world and our mind mm-hmm. Our what she said for the week. I actually said it earlier this episode. I forgot that it was the what She said. That's okay. But it's okay. It's important. So, like I said earlier, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And that's by the glorious Eleanor Roosevelt. Roosevelt. Yes. First lady. She's awesome. Yes. We get to decide who gets access to what parts of us. And if you think about like a triangle, like a food pyramid kind of triangle up at the very top, you have your spouse, and then things go, you know, and the, the more people that are in that triangle, the more spread out it's gonna be. The more spread out you are gonna be. So those people aren't gonna get all of you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I am an all in kind of girl, so you know. Don't show all your cards for sure. But yeah, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So, yeah, important. So this week our challenge is we want you to think about the relationships in your life and kind of take inventory. Think about, how you're being treated. Is that the way you wish to be? Are you treating them the way you hope they would treat you? and if the answer is no, then think about a boundary that you can reinforce this week. Just one, one boundary. No matter how small it could be so small. it could be at work, it can be at home. you get to decide and we'd love to hear about it. Tag us, on Instagram. Let us know, uh, how you're teaching people how to treat you. I hope you guys leave again, empowered with another tool in your box. Heck yeah. To say, as long as you're breathing, your life can change. Mm-hmm. But it's our responsibility to make that happen. Yeah. And that's, you have all the power. It's just a matter of who you wanna give it to. Getting on the road, getting on that journey to make your life better for yourself and finding more respect for yourself and more love for yourself.'cause at the end of the day, that's what we want to empower you guys to do. That's the, that's the the tea. Yay. Alright. Woo. See you guys next week.