Maternal Suicide: A Mother's Reflection on Perinatal Depression

Susan Aguayo was born in Peru and immigrated to New York at the age of five. As the eldest of three siblings, she quickly adapted to her new environment, learning English to connect with others. Following the birth of her younger sister and her parents' separation, Susan took on a leadership role within her family—becoming a protector, translator, and source of support.

Determined to succeed, she pursued Early Childhood Education at Kingsborough Community College at 17 and later studied Business Communication at the American Business Institute. She married her high school and college friend, with whom she has shared over 36 years of marriage. In 2001, with his encouragement, Susan launched her own business.

In 2004, the family relocated to New Mexico, where they adopted three children, fulfilling their dream of a large family. Tragically, in 2015, Susan lost her third child to complications related to perinatal depression—a silent but common issue. This loss led her to establish Kassy's Kause, a nonprofit offering resources and support for maternal mental health.

Susan became certified as a Community Health Worker and Doula, dedicating herself to supporting families in her community. Her advocacy has earned her recognition as the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Woman of the Year (2019) and New Mexico State Mother of the Year by American Mothers Inc. She ran for State Senate in 2020 to raise awareness for underserved issues, particularly maternal mental health.

Today, Susan serves as New Mexico Coordinator and Spanish-language support group facilitator for Postpartum Support International. Her mission is to ensure no mother feels alone and no family suffers due to a lack of awareness or support.

Transcript

Rebecca Gleed: 0:03

I have a very special guest today. This is Susan Aguayo. She's coming to us all the way from Puerto Rico. Welcome to the show, Susan.

Susan Aguayo: 0:14

Thank you so much, Rebecca, for having me here, of course, before

Rebecca Gleed: 0:17

we get started. And I don't typically do this, but I want our audience to fully understand the unique perspectives you bring. So before you introduce yourself, I want to highlight a few different perspectives that you bring again so our audience can really fully appreciate the depth that you bring today. The first is that you were directly affected by maternal suicide. You were a mother of someone who died by suicide. And second, your husband was a first responder in 911 and so I hope that you can also speak to how that may have influenced you know your story and how you make meaning of things. And third, you were a front runner in the New Mexico Senate, and I'd love to share more about that. And then, for the fourth pieces, you are the founder of Kasey's Kause, which we will give so much space to today. So if you could introduce yourself, Susan, we would love to tell our audience more about you.

Susan Aguayo: 1:26

Thank you. Thank you so much. So my name is Susan Aguayo, as Rebecca said, I'm the founder of Kasey's Kause, but for most I have seven children and program of nine grandchildren now. So really exciting. Our family is growing, but going first to the maternal mental health summit, excuse me, maternal mental health awareness that I bring, it's it's pretty much as I mentioned, my seven children. We went from living in New York to moving to New Mexico. And in New York, my husband was a New York City police officer, and during September 11, one of his units were one of the first few that responded. And he was present to be there to help, and unfortunately, have to, you know, protect the area to be able to see what survivors were found, where families had to see if their family members, whether they were not or survived or not. And it was very horrific, you know, during that time, not only for the families who had their their spouses, you know, in that situation, but for those who are losing family members. It was really, really hard. And during that time, you know, we had to really go through the challenges of not seeing him. He once he went in. We didn't see him for months. I didn't see him for many minutes, September till November. We lived an hour away, so he starts sleeping in the benches of the church nearby, like many other people. And when he did get a chance, he would go stay with his mom for a couple hours that lived far from there as well. So when we did see him in November, my children really small. My youngest at the time was in kindergarten, so he didn't know what was going on. He knew is that, when will we see daddy again? When we see daddy again? And and and I remember, you know, being able to walk to the site, to limit areas, seeing so many volunteers from different parts of United States. It's very touching to see how we all became one, the whole unit, becoming together. It didn't matter your race, your religion, it didn't matter where you came from, in any which way. And I made friends. I, you know, I like to talk to people as having friends with different parts of the state. So keep in touch and seeing their the passions you want to help. Also, it made me realize how important it is to to help, not be something back. I think that's where I think we cut herself as he would be sometimes, you know, what am I going to get out of this if I help somebody? You know, sometimes you just gotta help. And down the road, something comes back to you and you just help. And so that was really a hard challenge during our time. But husband was in retired early, because we did get hurt at work, and we moved to New Mexico, as I said, with four children. Then have, you know, added three more to our family to complete during that time that we moved to New Mexico, as I said, like Adam at fold, once my my children, each book, each bite, one at a time, got married and gone to college, you know, to complete their their life, and my third daughter was going to school at the time, Pittsburg University. Had a boyfriend in University of New Mexico, and she came back and they got engaged, got married. Their plans after they got married was to wait until he graduated and she was going to finish school, continue and finish. Ish, but she got pregnant soon and expected. And as we know,

Rebecca Gleed: 5:07

Susan, you're muted. Yeah,

Susan Aguayo: 5:09

the pregnancies, as we know, are never fully planned. So as exciting as the news was for the family and for her, it came down with a lot of debilitating illnesses that we were unaware of. I think that sometimes we, many times, say, Oh, you're hormonal, you're crying a lot, you don't sleep. Well, it's all part of the process. I myself was one to say, oh, some people, you know, do good nausea. Some people do Vomit your first trimester, you'll get through it. And she compared herself a lot to my pregnancies. I had good pregnancies. She compared to her sisters, and you know, who already had families to some friends. So she started feeling alone in the whole process of her motherhood. She started feeling that it's something wrong with her. And when I say I say lot of the illnesses, the symptoms that we didn't know then, but found out later on, where the symptoms were, right there in front of our faces, but we didn't know to recognize them. One of them, for example, was her not sleeping. Well, it wasn't just not sleeping well. She had insomnia. She would go days without sleeping. There's so much to think about, constantly thinking about, will I be a good mom? You know, I didn't finish college yet. You know, I'm still too young. You know, he's just going to graduate soon. How can we do this? So, as you know, putting up a spot of looking like I got this, that was her personality. You know, such a

Rebecca Gleed: 6:40

common when we're struggling to just mask it, but we know with perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, not sleeping is the biggest risk factor

Susan Aguayo: 6:52

and and, you know, I think, and that's what we take for granted. We take for granted that this is something that does need to be looked upon and be concerned about her now sleeping well, not her not sleeping well was something that I did not really pay much attention to, because I thought it had to do with her for nausea and, you know, and it was more than that. It was more of her concerns, and we didn't know, unfortunately, as you mentioned, until she was gone. Until she was gone, we she journaled to be able to see her journaling, she felt she was not going to be a good mom, you know, because she wasn't feeling as excited as she should feel. You know? We we talk about how exciting well look like and then people tell you, Oh, you, you're glowing, you, you look beautiful. And you smile and say, Thank you. Then you go home and say, Well, I can't see my feet anymore. I'm not sleeping well, constantly vomiting. I'm constantly arguing my husband. I'm not feeling connected. How can I be a good mother? And these are the things again, I had no idea she was experiencing, um,

Rebecca Gleed: 8:04

and in during that external expectations that there's this discrepancy I'm hearing between, you know, what she felt internally and was suffering in this aloneness, and then compared it with what others would expect of her, and there's such A big discrepancy, at least that's what I'm hearing.

Susan Aguayo: 8:22

Oh, definitely, most definitely. Because I think we go to social media and we see these perfect moms, you know, the nursing babies, or they go into this, this globe people speak about when they're pregnant and and how are them, you know, getting together with their friends and still having a life, and you have to just work and be quiet, because we also have to stop and think, if we tell our doctor that you have these negative thoughts, then you're going to be marked as a bad mom. And in many cases, I will see the news if you do have a child, and you even dare to say, you know, my child is has me nuts. Sometimes I want to push it away. You can see what you've been following. So her, her concern was, just at that time, was, I'm not going to be a good mom, because I'm not connecting. I'm not feeling this excitement. I was in the beginning with the news, but then the thoughts started coming in, will I do this? Can I do this? And they were, and they were going through a lot of childhood, so they were newlyweds, so that, you know, they were just already having to adjust to the new life of being a wife, her working full time, putting her school on hold, which was the plan. They spoke about it, because he was, not only was he going to school for, uh, computer engineering, but he also going for, he's also a football player, you know, and being one of the star full players, he had a hard, you know, schooling, and that balancing both was, was miracle. He was doing both. So her support was to get him through. And, you know, then which most couples do it? Then, you know, she'll go back to school. But this, this pregnancy, as as I said, unexpected, but was exciting, came with a lot unplanned feelings.

Rebecca Gleed: 10:10

I'm hearing this biopsychosocial perspective too, that there was obviously some physiological, biological, you know, happening in her body, as well as the psychological piece, which is this internal dialog, negative ruminations, and then the social piece with, you know, challenges as being a newlywed, maybe being isolated, trying to transition her role as a new wife or mother. There's a lot of things happening here, and if we look at it through a biopsychosocial lens, which we often do in the perinatal world, you can see the complexities.

Susan Aguayo: 10:54

Well, I think that's a point perinatal world. This is what people need. Who work in maternal mental health need to be able to pay attention to the signs. You know, as we said, not sleeping. Well, another sign is consistent, vomiting. She had hypothesis of so badly vomiting, she should have been in the hospital. Maybe she had lost 10 pounds for those four months. Nobody paid attention. They should have paid attention. Well, what thoughts? Why are you concerned being alone? Your thoughts could have been but why are you not connected to your friends anymore? She had friends that she didn't want to meet up with anymore, so they were like, Hey, let's get together now. It's okay. I'm busy. No, can't do this, you know, so pretty much, you know, I think with in her case, that many are going through the same thing. It's really hard. It's really hard because we push it aside too much. We push it aside too much. And and takes, unfortunately, a sad crisis, like a hard case, you know, to be able to say, okay, you know, where can we get the help the night before? I just want to also point out how it led up to her feeling, to the situation, that she was, that she was his level, that she did was that she had gone several times related to the emergency room. She had gone for help, and each time he said, Oh, you're here. A few weeks ago, you're fine. Your new mom, you know, just go home. You'll be okay? Um, she started hopeless, because she felt that if nobody paid attention, then there's something wrong with her. If, if professionals could say, you're okay, then there's something wrong with her. And I think that's where, what do you say? The the the right word, feeling that for her, she could be able to turn to me. We were so close. Turn to my mom, turn to the church leader. We were her husband. She felt she couldn't. An example we say the word depression. You know, you could have people you could turn to, but your depression can really trick you to feel that you can't turn to them. And she felt alone, so alone in the sense of the feeling she really wasn't alone. There were people there that could have helped her to maybe have said, well, have you spoken to your doctor? But she couldn't share that. The only thing she shared with them was what she was what she was feeling, the consistent vomiting, and that she didn't like the way she was feeling. But they would have said, Well, tell me what is the feeling that maybe something could have been taken care of, and that wasn't the case. They just sent her home that day before, and she had struggled. She has struggled, hopefully, with already feeling that she wasn't connected even the argument of her husband, Escolar journal. She was feeling that there was, how can I say that she wasn't going to be even just good wife to be able to start with because of that, they they put such a facade for such facade for so long, for so long,

Rebecca Gleed: 14:09

something I'm hearing you talk about for providers just to pull something out is, is this depression, talking some of these Thoughts that she was describing, and then for providers to recognize that and to give her the help that she was so seeking. I think he if what a what a message to be a repeat patient at the ER and to be sent home, right if someone's coming to you, especially multiple times, don't be quick to dismiss the severity of their symptoms, even if they are masking it beautifully. Many times, these parents, these birthing individuals, they look fine, but until you sit down, human to human and ask them those questions, are you okay? What's going on for you? How are you feeling? Things we don't know. We think we

Susan Aguayo: 15:03

need to be more conscientiously empathy, not to make the mom feel, yeah, you know, how can you feel this way? You know, stop throwing at them. This is natural, or this is it's a blessing. Also making them feel that they what they feel is odd, because once you make it feel it's odd, then right away you can it's over. Yep, yep. That's it. You they're not going to tell you the rest. They're going to tell you a little bit to be comfortable enough to see if you're going to want to ask more questions. And they don't. They won't I myself with her, you know, when she did say she was sleeping well or consistent vomiting, I would say, well, this happens sometimes. You know, in some pregnancies, you know, it's normal initial when she stopped so she didn't stop and share. The rest, you know, the the thoughts, you know, the the distance between the pregnancy distance, or the arguing with the husband, that's something she was not going to really feel comfortable enough to want to share, and unfortunately, a whole week was a struggle for them both. They struggled a lot. She felt helpless, and she felt like it was just time that she could anymore. And one of the things that she actually shared, I call it, was that if she was not going to be able to be the the woman she always dreamed of being, as a mom, she didn't want to be a burden for the family, and that was hard to read that she was not going to be a burden. Because, you know, I think as as a parent, your children have a burden, no matter what age. You want to see how you can help them. You want to see, you know, what are the needs and support and guide? So to hear that she felt she would have been a burden to the family was very hard,

Rebecca Gleed: 16:45

and that's a an emergency signal, at least from my seat. When I hear a mom talking about, will they be better off without me? I'm a burden. Those are signals of, okay, let's examine this right away. May I ask, were there any journal entries that really shook you or that stood out more than others, that we can give voice to?

Susan Aguayo: 17:13

A little bit? Was that she felt that moms should be able to feel support from their husbands. And I didn't know what she meant by that. I don't know if she meant that he wasn't supportive for her or she felt, you know, alone. But you know, it was hard to because till this day, to this day, I don't blame my son in law at all. You know, some people have family friends, you know they're like they will say, Well, you know, he wasn't supported enough, or why wasn't he there? Why did he share? You don't know what you don't know. And you know, I've always said that. I said to him, you were the love of her life. You guys got married, you both were young. And if anything, I hope what you see, what what the family is doing, you know, when time comes around for you to, you know, have a family and that you will understand, you know, you will be, you know, more eye open to what's going on, and aware. So I don't blame him, but that made me feel really bad, because she was always the kind of person to put other people first, you know, she was the kind of person who always wanted to help people, and you know, you know for her to feel that she didn't feel that from him, it's just wasn't her, it wasn't her. So that's one of the things. And another thing I think that that stood out a lot was the point of the burden. Because, yeah, it just, I never really would feel that way with her. Never she was always the kind of person we did things together, you know. So that was it just wasn't her. But I think she also, one of the things we were struggling with our family at that time was that my oldest daughter went up being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. My other daughter was going through a breakup, one of her relationships, and so for her, she, fellow mom, has this plate to look out for, you know, so why add to her a lot of feeling? Um, so that's for me. It the whole world for me, for like, whoa, you know, you never would have been a burden. I would have learned how to handle it. I would have known how to help you too. So I think that, yeah, so I think that was really hard to read and stood out, just as she felt a burden and she felt she didn't feel support, but I think it wasn't sure to feel support. I think she just felt for her is not understanding, not understanding what she was feeling, because lot of the things she was, she will Google as well. On her phone, she was Googling, can women feel depressed when they're pregnant and and I remember reading this, I go, I literally said, Who feels depressed when they're pregnant? You know, I just didn't, I didn't connect. I. I didn't understand at that time, even my own personal stories of one of my pregnancies, that because I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant right away, and I remember feeling but didn't speak to anybody about it. So, you know, at that moment, I was like, Who feels depressed? But as time has gone on and been able to learn and educate myself more, and I go, Oh, wait. I thought like this. I felt like this. I just did enough to talk to, you know, so you know, her, her going through a sad situation and a hard week, and her husband, her really, really struggling. She felt she just couldn't, she just couldn't, you know, be here anymore, and she took her life, and it was the worst phone call I think any family member could ever get. I had just spoken to her the day before, and we have plans to see her that day. So every weekend, on Sundays, all my kids will come together. They will come to the house, you know, they have dinner, catch up on things. And instead, that morning, we got the phone calls. We getting ready to go to church. And church. And first thing I got was from her mother in law, saying, hey, this police officer is going to, you know, to their house. You know what's going on? And I said, Nope. So I sent my husband, and they were only 45 minutes away from garage to Albuquerque, and he didn't call back, like, over, like, two hours, like a calling, calling, called her, called the mother in law, called the husband, called her, no answer, and then I could feel it. I could feel something, my heart, something was going on. And it wasn't till finally, the older kids started running into the house, and I said, Oh no, and it was, it was really rough. It was really rough. But I, you know, I always refer to people when I say things like, you know, for from that Well, I want to, want to jump from that moment on, after the shock, I would say a month of the shock, you know, we, we said, this wasn't her. It just can't end here, you know, just to get certificates say, you know, taken by suicide. First of all, it's something we didn't accept it, but it is what it is. But I felt it had to be something more to it. So when the journaling came in and I got paperwork, you know, from from her house, you know, also gave me the stuff, when I got the phone and I started looking through everything, so I said, Oh, I need to find out more information. Um, I was able to have a friend who's in the nurse department at UNM and she spoke to me about perinatal depression. I want to speak to other doctors. And within like, two months, I could thinking we should do a blog. Me and my other daughter said we do a blog and motherhood. But more people wanted more information, so that blog became almost like a lot of women were reaching out, they want more info, so we have no info, just sharing our story.

Rebecca Gleed: 22:47

And then this stands out to me as as we continue. I mean, I've met you and so many other incredible women in this space, and it just keeps building upon each other. The more stories we share, the more connections we make. We give voice, you know, to your daughter and to all of these silent sufferers. I want to create some space for Kasey's Kause before we move into that. Can you share a little bit more about what happened after you got that phone call? You talked about it being about a period of a month or two. What was that like for you and your family?

Susan Aguayo: 23:27

Well, for me, at the moment, the shock I've dropped. I dropped, but watching, and it's okay, she was, you know, it's compared so much to me watching the younger ones crying and watching the older ones, within minutes, falling apart while my husband was still there and I was speaking to me on the phone. What was going on? I think I only told you 20 minutes crying, and I had to stop. I went to survival mode. I went to survival mode, um, my little bit of my background, I grew up with a single mom, uh, seeing, unfortunately, a lot of, I would say, a lot of mental and physical abuse, watching my father, my mom's situation, and I, and I always was in survival, you know. And I think I bring that into my family, you know, of any hard thing I always try to see, well, there's gotta be a good out of a bad, you know. And so it's a survival mode. And so and so at that moment, I had to just say, Everything's going to be okay, and just kind of take care of everyone. But for my husband, it took a little longer of really being able to come to understanding what happened. I think he shut down for a while. You know, as a person connecting with anybody, to me, with me after finding out within that time of shock and then finding all this information, and then going to the police department to get more information and going to the doctors to get more information. Because he was the retired police officer, he said, You're not a detective, you're going to find out one you find out more. I said, because it doesn't make sense. I said, if she. Can go to this and you see her. People know how you see your face, and what is the look for depression? So that goes to show you. I said there's no look for depression. And then she can go to this suddenly, how many more people are out there? Yes, and that's the first thing came to my head, how many people who are out there? And how can we make a difference and and all I kept thinking was, of all, all I kept thinking was, how many more, you know, a quiet suffering because they couldn't turn to anybody. And that's our case. Is cause was born. So we have to help other people. And our mission was just to go get ourselves educated, go attend every lecture. I keep thinking if I could have got my masters. I was going to every lecture in the minor getting going to become a community health worker. I did everything I could just learn, learn and educate. Find the resources, connect a psi, you know, become a coordinator, become the advocate with it, as a facilitator for the Spanish support groups. Everything I could to be able to learn, get trained with psi, to see that it's bigger than what I thought.

Rebecca Gleed: 26:13

Now, Susan, you said something in the beginning about doing something without anything in return, and I just want to pause, because that's what drew me to you. And I don't know how much you remember, but it was like moving mountains for us to finally coordinate a time. And it was like a hot day in Albuquerque, and we both had hot drinks, and I was like, What are we doing? We're completely exposed in the sun, and I think even your fridge had broke or some plumbing had gone off. Yes, it was, it was no short of a miracle. But I remember like pulling, I think we're in a random picnic bench off the side of the

Susan Aguayo: 26:54

road Albuquerque, yes, exactly, yeah. But

Rebecca Gleed: 26:58

I remember just being frozen initially hearing Kasey's story and thinking, wow, this woman is going to make waves. And I think this is what you're alluding to. Like, how do you we talk about in, you know, the grief world, that there might be a six stage, which is meaning making and for you and your family. That's what I'm hearing here, is, how do we then create some meaning? And that launched you into psi coordination, advocacy, the blog. So tell us a little bit more. And I'm guessing, even politically, that was another platform that would help just give Kasey some space and voice tell us more about the meaning making.

Susan Aguayo: 27:47

So for me, as like you said, you know, I threw myself into everything because I felt everything connects with something. I'm not a political person. I think I started to become more political realizing when it comes down to moms, we're talking about doula services, we're talking about resources for home visiting programs, how they're covered. We're talking about Medicaid, we're talking about all these different programs. It involves political and I had no idea, so I said, okay, so that means no one's aware that maternal mental health is important. No one is aware that there's no screening in our state that is mandatory. No one is aware that, I mean all these different things. I said, I'm going to run. And as crazy as it was, so many people say, you have the politics. I said, I know what. I forget to vote. Sometimes.

Rebecca Gleed: 28:47

But you, you trailblazed. I did,

Susan Aguayo: 28:50

I I went, and everybody was like, whoa, okay, we're gonna support her. And, you know, I got to the first level and and just going back and forth with gentlemen. And, you know, we kind of pause at each other. I think we do our talks and realize, I think deep down inside, had to realize how what I was saying, what I needed to be, my reasoning behind everything, as well as for children with disabilities, they advocate with that as well, because their moms and they're getting the resources that they need for a child that they need the resources, but the mom needs as well. The resources is how to be able to help a child who has disabilities. I have a child who has Asperger's, and I struggled. I struggled for years getting him the help because they wouldn't give it to me at school. Because, thank you. Just a misbehaving child. I wouldn't say to see misbehaving child, I wouldn't, you know, push through with kids. And I nipped it from the beginning, my Tony was the second grade. I said, Wait a minute. I think he has ADHD, I think he has OCD. I think he has, you know, attachment disorder. I think I went to this whole thing Marisa goes, you're evaluating him. You don't know if he has. Is I said, I'm telling you, I went and got him privately tested, and he came up with everything I said, everything because I saw it at home. He was a little soldier. He had his clothes and his shoes, you know, certain way, you know, put together. He was just exactly what I said. So I say to myself, I struggled. I didn't have anybody help me be a voice into what needed to be said, or what extra help we needed. You know, he could have been tested when he was younger, and he didn't, he didn't test him, so anything just started following up what I felt needed to be done and and I went for it, and obviously I didn't win, but I was able to meet on both parties for them to understand why I was there, and them to understand that they themselves need to do something also. I also became an ambassador with 2020, moms, which is now called the policy changes, you know. And so with them as well. So I said, Okay, so we started going to Congress every year with them, you know, and with psi, and with Mama's voices, and with American mothers, we go every year and for them to I'm back. Yes, I was here three weeks ago. The other organization went back again. You know,

Rebecca Gleed: 31:14

Susan, you highlighted so many different incredible organizations. I want folks to know listening that I will include those resources into the show notes, because you're right in 2020 Mom, what we, you know, most of us know that organization. It is known now under a different name, and you speak psi, is Postpartum Support International, for anyone listening. But I will include including Kasey's Kause, a nonprofit organization that you are the founder of into the show notes.

Susan Aguayo: 31:44

Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I think people to realize these are, these are national organizations you can turn to, you know, that will find you the help that you need. Sometimes people don't know, but look for it and within your own state. And I think that's really very important to do as well. Um, we, we, we, as you know, were able to go and and go to these opportunities. Are going to Congress. They got a chance to hear my voice. So even though I didn't get to win, they got to hear me and know where it was, and that made a difference. And it wasn't about winning, it was more of if I get there, I'll do the work. Give me the chance. I'll learn it, and I'll do it, but if I don't, you're still going to hear me. And they did. So the screening, you know, started to get done. It was really interesting. I had my second daughter, was having her third child, and she goes, Mom. Is interesting. I never got screened during pregnancy, and they start screening, and the first thing she goes, that the midwives said to me, she goes, Well, I want to ask you some questions. I hope you okay with it. She was the reason why, you know, there was this mom she goes a few years ago that lost the daughter to perinatal depression and and, you know, we realized, you know, we need to pay more attention. So hope you okay. You know, doing this, and in Burke, you know questionnaire and so, so I told a smile, she was and she and she's listening. That's my mom. It's called Kasey's Kause. And she goes, That's my mom. She's like, What? She goes, No, Kasey's Kause daughter. She goes, No, I'm Susan's daughter. She goes Kasey's. Kasey was my sister, and the Midwest is bawling. My

Rebecca Gleed: 33:26

heart is dancing and crying. Let your

Susan Aguayo: 33:30

mom know, because she's making a difference, let her know we are listening. That to me, meant everything to say, let your mom know we're listening. Mm,

Rebecca Gleed: 33:40

hmm. And Susan, you were the psi coordinator. I was one of, I think, three at the time PMH sees, which is the perinatal mental health professional. And so you were for the entire state, for folks who don't know what coordinators are, Susan was single handedly, you know, with some support, you were coordinating direct care for patients and connecting.

Susan Aguayo: 34:09

I wanted to stay. I still do, because we don't have no I'm still the coordinator for New Mexico. I believe it

Rebecca Gleed: 34:15

all the way from Puerto Rico.

Susan Aguayo: 34:19

I still make the phone calls. Are you still taking people? Are you still doing this? Yeah, yeah. It's magic.

Rebecca Gleed: 34:25

You know,

Susan Aguayo: 34:26

I it completes me. It completes me to the point of that I feel there's a person out there getting the help they needed. I've been blessed to have met the people who have said, I'm here because of you. I'm here because your daughter made a difference. I'm here because, you know, I found your resources on the page and I knew where to turn to. I just want people to get the help they need. And that, you know, from. Um, starting cases caused in 2015 I realized sometimes just cases where people will be able to listen for the sons who are more visual. So I decided to directly produce the documentary in 2017 um, and that's case, hope my life for yours.

Rebecca Gleed: 35:22

I haven't seen that where, where can people watch that?

Susan Aguayo: 35:26

Um, well, we actually were going to put it to team that's called Latino, to be, to be, to be, but it's, it's been prolonging belonging. Then I try, you know, putting it through the Netflix, it takes more knowing people and what I thought, because originally I made it as an educational tool, so many home visiting programs supported, you know, to educate the coordinators. We've had one of the schools buy from us seeing them for the nurses to watch. So we do sell it. We sell it with a whole bunch of brochures. You know those interested, and we're actually going to be showing it at a summit this coming up next week. For those attending, we're going to be showing the case is hope. I'll be glad to get out to you, though

Rebecca Gleed: 36:13

I would love that. And speaking of the summit, I want to highlight all of the different services within Kasey's Kause, because this goes beyond a summit, there's a gala, there's grassroot efforts, there's, you know, resources on your website. Tell, tell folks what, what you're doing in Kasey's Kause.

Susan Aguayo: 36:33

So what we actually got a chance to do is collect resources. So we have a division of therapists. You know, you're one of them on it. We have a division of the doula section. We have a division of people that need some community service, like WIC, you know, we even have services that we we collect if sometimes moms want a home birth, you know, instead of going to the hospital. So we've collected several services, but a lot of we do is if they've been affiliated some way with psi, we want to make sure that they know a maternal mental health is, you know, we learned the hard way. We first started, we had a therapist that wasn't aware of maternal mental health. We sent the mom over, and she called back crying and told her she was it's only her mind. This is what she's thinking. And we're like, what? So we make sure scratch, take him off, and then contact psi. How I find someone in our area, and we always, you know, work together. We've been able so since then, we want to make sure they know the certify with maternal mental health, and that's our resources. And we have our support group. It's once a month, a virtual support group. We have facilitator, and I stepped in when the facilitator cans, and

Rebecca Gleed: 37:46

then was that just for New Mexico residents? Or do can others access that? Anybody

Susan Aguayo: 37:51

can access the one on virtual, yeah, okay, that one is free and it's free, yeah, we had some Oklahoma reach out to us once, and I the reason. And it was interesting because I had stood at a hotel in Oklahoma, and the lady was pregnant, you know, who's cleaning the cleaning the rooms. And, you know, we exchanged words, you know, and I left my cart something My heart told me to leave my cart. Well, a month later, I get a call on on the support group, and it's that lady who cleaned it, and she just said to me, she goes, Oh, you were the lady that was a room. And I said, Yes. I said, welcome. And of course, I always say who I am, and you know, Welcome. What brings you here? And she started bawling. And she goes, when you left the car, you have no idea. She goes, I was going through thoughts of ending my life. I thought she was and then I opened up your card, and I said, Oh, I'm not crazy. She said, I'm not crazy. And I said, Oh my gosh. I said, I just left my heart, because while you're pregnant, just in case you needed, you know, someone to talk to. So it's nice to get so we do invite anybody out of state, you know, is facilitating. It's not. We don't recommend medication. We don't do any of that. We just listen and be able to support moms through the process. We have an in person, temporary right now in Spanish support group that we've partnered up with hope forward therapy. So they are social worker comes and as the in person at the this building called the blue door neighbor center that just opened up in South Valley. And so we partnered up with them. So they do this work up there, and we have workshops that we've been able to get together with glucose for shield, and so we do that every other month. We have one coming up next week is learning to work with children with disabilities, so helping parents with that says different topics. Last topic was transitioning from the kids to. Home. You know, we don't realize the process that moms go through, the same with postpartum depression, because knowing you have a child is going to be expecting some services or not knowing and being surprised. How do you go through that? And our family went to that six months ago. My son's daughter was born with with a with some challenges and watching my daughter in law and my son have to be there for months, not knowing day to day what's going to happen, what's going to happen. It took a lot out of them. Yeah, and, and I admire my daughter in law for you know how strong she was for everything. She actually even reached out to our resources while she was pregnant, which I'm so glad she did. And you know, my son knew that he needed help. He knew that he could go to, also the dad support group and psi. So, you know, they knew that they weren't along the process. I think when you don't know it's the hardest thing in the world, you feel so, so hopeless that you're the only one. But when you go to support groups and realize they're not the only ones, others that listen. They don't give you the solution, but they give you that release to understand that it's going to be okay.

Rebecca Gleed: 41:11

Sharing stories can help you feel so much less alone. It can melt shame. I I didn't realize the wide landscape that you're covering, you've definitely grown. I'm so just sitting back in my chair, so thrilled for Kasey's Kause. I also want to let folks know that all a lot of these services are free, and you are, you know, doing at a very grassroots level, and so that does require some fundraising. And you have been so dynamic in how you approach fundraising. With the car show the gala, how can folks, beyond just donating, participate in some of the fundraising efforts?

Susan Aguayo: 41:56

So with a Oh, like we didn't have a summit. Now we with our whole process is getting speakers. Sometimes we find speakers in sometimes the speakers from other, you know, organizations that I've seen and met see them speak. If not, we have those for locally. We have when we do our summit, you know, as a sponsors, you know, usually we've been really well connected with Lovelace Presbyterian and UNM so they, they want to be supporters. We have, you know, home visit programs that always support us as well. So with that, we hold our summit. And the summit through education, speakings and people sharing a story, then a car show. That one. You know, when we first started out with the college for about five, six years ago. Um, before Kasey passed away, my husband, my older children called he was going through a middle age crisis thing, but he bought a, I think it was a 1971 barracuda, just a shell, and he was going to put together. And it took him, you know, two years, two and a half years, uh, but during that time, Kasey said, well, daddy, once that's done, I want to be the first one in the car. And by Tommy, he was done with the car. She had passed away, so she never got a chance to be in the car, um, but he then figured, you know, he was gonna in memory of her. Our colors are teal, which is our favorite color. And so he found 1955 Ponte achieved it in her colors, and he had Kasey's class put in the back of it, you know, and he gave it to me as a gift. And the idea came up, oh my gosh. So the meaning of that car, the meaning of having a cultural commemorate, was getting families together, getting families together in a moment of, you know, celebrating, you know, here's this car, you know, Kasey didn't get to see the car. Didn't get to fulfill being in her dad's car. But here's a car in her colors. It's a classic college she likes, um, and people come together. We get vendors there with information. So it's not just about being a summit or a gala, it's just family outing, but having the music, having the kids free bouncers, having the face painting, and having our vendors there sharing information to families, um, another businesses, you know, it's just a good event. Just get people together, and at the same time we're sharing important information. Too many people on the back

Rebecca Gleed: 44:30

for anyone listening, who might want to attend, yeah, June

Susan Aguayo: 44:33

7. June 7 at Haynes Park in Rio Rancho, the mayor always attends. He's most supportive. He comes to our galas. He's always there. Mayor Hall has been with us from the get go, and I'm still grateful for his support as well. And it's a fun event because, you know, there's a story behind it, as we said earlier. You know, showing stories, there's a story behind. We have a pack, a frame of the story behind cases, plus Car Show and and many, many of them come back. They with their trophies. Many of them come back to hear the story, to be supportive. And people donate. You know, many rafflings and stuff, they go, Oh, from our store, we'll donate this. We'll donate that. And it's just people want to get involved. People want to again. It's not what I'm getting back. Maybe it's some way I'm getting satisfied with some of these same time. But it's just giving. I think you get so much more back when you give. I

Rebecca Gleed: 45:35

couldn't agree more well. And as Kasey's mother, would you give any words of comfort or wisdom for individuals, partners, families who are affected by maternal suicide?

Susan Aguayo: 45:52

Always remember that what you feel does not determine who you are. So I think having to understand it doesn't define you, what you're feeling, you know, people feel, start feeling bad about themselves, you know. And it doesn't define that you're not going to be a good mom. It just means you're living a little more help than some other other person, not to compare themselves. That's the worst thing we do as individuals, especially as moms, you know, compare ourselves. There's, unfortunately, black and white. Each of us are different. I always say moms are angels. You know. Say moms are ankles. We all have. We all ones out. We start with the same mission, the same plan. We all go through different colors and end up in the same way. If we respect and understand that we are different and not compare each other, not just rainbow.

Rebecca Gleed: 46:44

Yes, we're rainbows. Don't compare. Yeah, beautiful. Where can folks find you? Online, in person? What?

Susan Aguayo: 46:57

Well, my number is on our website. My emails on the website, believe it or not, I am 24/7 I do answer that phone, and I have answered phone calls at one o'clock, three o'clock, um, my husband says, you know, I think it should be a time to time. I said no, because someone needs help, and I'm going to say, please call me back in five hours, because

Rebecca Gleed: 47:18

the work never stops. It doesn't, it doesn't,

Susan Aguayo: 47:21

and it's okay, because it's not every day, thank God. But if it needs to be done, I wanted to know I I become I have one of my daughters. I keep in touch a lot of my daughter's friends. I've seen them get married. See me become moms. I was a doula for one of them, because I'm a doula as well, and it was wonderful because she gave her out of the middle name cases, middle she gave her name Cassandra. She was it okay, and I had no idea to the baby's born. I'm like, Well, yes, you can. And one of them calls me, you know, she goes, she goes, you're just Mama Bear. She goes, You just mama bear with everybody. And if that's I'm okay being for Mama Bear. I just want to be the for those that they might not feel, that the mom might understand, but I do understand. You know, I've had one grandma Call me once and she said, Okay, I have my 16 year old, my granddaughters, living with me. She's pregnant. Mom threw her out. You know, she said she's feeling these things, and she goes, You don't understand contact Kasey's Kause. So the Grandma called, and she was Spanish speaking. He hear her broken Spanish, and I said, I speak Spanish. So we started speaking. And she said, first of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for what you're doing. And I'm going to be more understanding of my granddaughter, and I want to be the young girls too. As a matter of fact, I do pro bono, pro bono services for people who can't afford it, but at night, discounts, I believe, because it's not cheap, because to help out and all, all the proceeds go back to cases cost. I don't keep anything. Everything's back to cases cause, and it's been wonderful because I've been able to see love Moms. I'm always up. I always say, if it was up to me, I probably have more children I was only but it's wonderful to see a baby born. And the first thing I say when they're being held, I say, Happy Birthday, you know, you know, because it's just a, it's just a wonderful thing to see. You know, something so miraculously be born and and I don't see my daughters leaving this earth as something sad. I feel its purpose, you know. And people always say, how do you do that? How do you I turn to my faith, and I say, you know, if I couldn't, I've had my faith to tell me, you're going to see her again, I would have probably felt like, this is the end. This is it. But I was okay once I started getting myself built through the understanding of what she was going through. It was sad that she was struggling so quietly and feeling alone and. Get so many people that loved her. So I say to myself, she's not struggling anymore. And if our purpose was to be an example and not just continue her name be her brothers, they don't have to go through anything she was going through.

Rebecca Gleed: 50:15

Mothering comes in so many different forms, and I think you've accentuated that today. What is your website and what social platforms are you on?

Susan Aguayo: 50:25

It's www, dot k, A, S S y, s, k, a, U, S, b.org, uh, we're on Facebook, we're in Instagram, we're in LinkedIn. We're trying to start again LinkedIn. Um, on YouTube, we're going to eventually do a YouTube channel. We have a YouTube channel trying to build to bring in stories and connections with other people who've gone through experiences of postponement and depression.

Rebecca Gleed: 50:55

Incredible. I could not thank you more for coming on today. I am blown away by all of the growth, and I am beyond excited to share it with the world. Your episode is is going to help so many. So thank you for the work that you're doing, and I'm guessing you have, you know, the family, your beautiful family, backing you and supporting and cheerleading too. So thank you for coming on today.

Susan Aguayo: 51:20

Thank you so much. Thank you for everything you do as well. I know your your support throughout more than one state makes a big difference as well. That's what we need people to be able to, you know, expand and you definitely experience Thank

Rebecca Gleed: 51:33

you. Yeah, one mom at a time. Yeah, exactly.

Susan Aguayo: 51:37

Thank you so much. Thank

Rebecca Gleed: 51:39

you. You too. Bye.