How To Deal With Difficult People | YGFB #56

In this episode of You’re Gonna Be Fine, we’re talking about something we ALL struggle with… difficult people.

If you’ve ever thought “why are they being so difficult?” this episode will shift your perspective.
Self-awareness is the cornerstone of self-development and this conversation might just change how you handle conflict forever.

We talk about:
• Why “difficult” is often just different
• The 4 personality types (Red, Yellow, Green, Blue) from Surrounded by Idiots
• Why communication happens on the listener’s terms
• Why your triggers are your responsibility
• Personality vs behaviour (and why that distinction matters)
• How empathy can completely change your relationships
• Why difficult conversations save years of resentment

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Transcript

0:00

Strengthen your skill at having difficult conversations. I think that is one of the most underrated skills, life skills, self-development skills that anyone can have. Today's episode is called How to Deal with Difficult People, and the answer is the way to deal with difficult people first is to understand them. Calling someone a difficult person, I just want to raise the fact that people change all the time. If you knew me two years ago, you no longer know me. This book is called Surrounded by Idiots. Basically, the book has this full personality types, and each category has a different set of personality traits that makes them the way that they are. Which one are you guys? Oh my God, I'm shocked. I will not go on a date with someone until I know their personality type, because what's the point? Empathy does play a big part, which is hard when you want to strangle somebody, because that being such a dumb. You know. Hi guys. Welcome back to your favorite podcast. You're going to be fine. Today's episode is called How to Deal with Difficult People and the answer is avoid them. Well, short this podcast episode. Okay. Thanks, Alex. Side by side with a friend who you think would enjoy it. Seriously guys, I know all jokes aside, but I do think that is the best piece of advice to an extent, without obviously the context of like long standing friendships, etc. but if you can avoid them because you obviously are not enjoying spending time with them, really interesting first and foremost, to actually identify what is a difficult person like, what makes someone difficult. It's so different between characters, so you might find someone difficult that I actually find them enjoyable. That rarely happens. Nice to say I have to say yes, but it could happen. And that's on perception. Everybody perceives life through their own lens. So like you say, somebody who's irritated with one person might be hilarious. Yeah. To another. And the thing is I know we're like joking saying avoid them. Which to be honest there is. So there is truth in that. Yeah. But as the last step. Oh, yeah. Exactly. So there is definitely truth and avoid then 100%. But don't just cut everyone off when I give you that advice. But it is a last resort. Just having to walk away. And I think there is so much goodness in just removing yourself from a situation, person, place or thing. If but if it comes to that. But the way to deal with difficult people first and foremost is to understand them. Yeah, you've got to understand why somebody is being the way that they are, because everyone's different. And actually, I love this book. This book is absolutely incredible. It's called Surrounded by Idiots, which great title, catchy, makes you want to pick it up because as the book says, we all every day have that moment when you're like, God, that's such an idiot. But they're not an idiot. They're just different to you. That is the biggest key in dealing to help people understand who they are and why they are doing the things that they are doing. So very fun exercise that we're going to do today team, is to figure out who you are. So basically the book says there's four personality types. It's red, yellow, green and blue. And each category has a different set of personality traits that makes them the way that they are. So I'm going to just try and flip to the page now to do a quick review of core behavior patterns. Okay. First of all, I'm going to read them out. And then you're going to tell me which one you think you are. I know which one I am I don't think I know oh okay. That's it, I read it. Oh yeah. Sorry. Which one are you? The yellow. Oh, 100%. You are 100% yellow. When I was reading the book. I'll tell you, because I was like, Camilla. Camilla. Yes. And so this is like a Harry Potter sorting hat. Pretty dull. Yellow, red. So. And yeah, I'd be able to probably read it a while ago, but I think I know what you are as well. Okay, so actually these definitions are quite long. I'm going to flip to my notes. Yeah. So. Red is dominant. So listen, by the way, before I start, just really take this in and think and reflect about the personality type that you are. Because as we always say, self-awareness is the cornerstone of self-development. So be good for you to understand which personality type you are. And then after you've listened to the pattern, only after you've listened to the parts, you can go away and research on your personality type. But it's also really interesting to know the person's personality personality types around you, because then you know how to deal with people around you. So that's what this book is really good at teaching you how to deal with different personality types because of certain personalities that obviously clash. And they're known to clash with, you know, say you're a yellow and you clash with like a red or a blue, you know, that's a very, very popular thing. And it's it's very sorry it's not popular. What's the word common. Yeah. It's a very common thing. Yeah. So red is dominant so decisive competitive action orientated straightforward blunt hates wasting time motivated by results control and challenges. Yellow. Now this is Camilla everybody with a sprinkle of red I would say. But yeah I agree. Energetic social optimistic big picture thinker. Spontaneous. Expressive. Motivated by fun recognition and connection. Great. Oh my God. Recognition. How funny. Wow. Yeah. Keep going. Don't stop then. Green. Calm. Loyal. Patient. Supportive. Listener avoids conflict motivated by harmony, stability and relationships. Then blue. Detail orientated. Logical. Structured. Cautious. Perfectionistic. Is that word? Yeah. Perfectionistic. Fact driven. Motivated by accuracy, rules and competence. So interesting because I think your, green and yellow I read. Yeah. What did you think I'm. I find it hard. I feel like I'm all for. But I was going to say also a bit of blue. Yeah. I'm a little bit blue because I am detail orientated. But I'm a lot green. Calm, loyal, patient. Yeah. Yellow. And also patient. No, no. So yeah, it's just interesting. Obviously if you're someone who thinks, God, I'm so that color like through and through like my genes 100% red. He is red red red. Yeah. But it's very, very common. So if you're thinking, oh, that's not me. And I feel a bit oh, I don't really know which one I am. That's okay too, because you can actually be more than one type. And also your environment and your the situation plays a massive part. So somebody could be more yellow with their friends and family but more blue at work for example. So environment plays plays a big part. But the reason why I wanted to talk about this book today on this episode, How to Deal with ethical people, is that the premise is to understand them first, and then you'll be able to use and change and adapt yourself around that person in order to make it easier for them to get on with. Because at the end of the day, think about how hard it is to change yourself. Now think about how hard it is to change someone else. We can't change other people, we just can't. You need to just accept that as a fact. It's down to someone to change themselves. So if someone is being difficult around you, you need to figure out a way to adapt and be flexible with that person. Even that's really, really hard. I'm not saying it's easy. It's very, very difficult. And it is a skill, but that will make your life so much easier. Understand why that being the way that they are, and then adapt and be flexible around that behavior to make ultimately make your life easier. Yeah, I love that. I think you explain that really well. Thank you. I think this book is essential. And then doing the 16 personalities type. So it's 16 personalities.com. Yeah. And that's obviously takes into account like bit of Myers-Briggs doesn't it. Which I always talk about. But those two things are essential when you want to deal with difficult people not to just send the link to the person. That's being difficult. Yeah, no, but you know what's funny? Before I used to actually go on dates with people, I would send them the 16 personalities test. I'm not joking. I sent it to so many people. Seriously, people like this. A few people are probably listening to this that, like the inner 12% of men that listen to the podcast and hey, that have been sent the link, I will not go on a date with someone until I know their personality type, because what's the point? Because it's like, well, I want to understand you so that if you are being a bit difficult, then I understand why I'm like, okay, that's because you're commander or whatever, because there's, there's loads of different this like, commander, what were you on the 16 person I can't remember. I did a lot of guys ago. Now I did eight. You need to redo it, I did. You can do it all the time. Yeah, but something that I think is important, because obviously when I said before, avoid them, I was joking. Yeah. People don't always get my humor. And then I have to explain myself. But something that I think is important when dealing with difficult people is actually identifying that sometimes it's people's behavior that's difficult and not the personality. So it's not always that they're a difficult person, it's that their behavior is difficult. And actually that differentiation is easier to move past when it's just someone's output, then it's them as a person. So if someone you know is rude to you and they cut you off when you're speaking like it's not that they're a rude person, it could be that they're they're just have done a rude behavior. You know, I think that allows you to give them a bit more grace as well. That's human. We're all human. I mean, I'm sorry if you say that you've never been rude to someone in your life. You're lying. We all have. Because there's so many things that we don't see in people's lives. If you have an interaction with someone, there's, you know. Yeah. Oh, I've spent time with you today. There's 80% of your day that I've not seen today. Yeah. So there's lots of things that happen behind the scenes that can influence people's behavior. So I think empathy does play a big part, which is hard when you want to strangle somebody because they're being such an ass. Yeah. But if you can try and practice empathy and put yourself in their shoes and be patient, I know, that's probably easy for me to say because I'm quite patient. But I do understand that it's hard for people, but just try to have a little bit. I'm thinking does go a long way. And just that separation. Okay, you're being a bit difficult right now, but are you a difficult person. Yeah. You just weigh in that open asking yourself that question before you cut them off. Yeah. And also it's important to understand, you know, your triggers are your responsibility. As we said before, I might perceive someone as being difficult, but you might not. And that might be because I'm sensitive and triggered by something that they said, that's not your insecurity. So you're not triggered by that. If they had said that to you. So if you are triggered by someone and think, oh, that person's a bit of an arson is being really difficult there, I really would honestly is the first step. Ask yourself what part do I play in this? What is my filter and my insecurity and my wound that is made me feel that way? And it might not be anything. They might just be an ass. Yeah, because there going a lot. Of course. Of course it might. I'm not saying it's self-blame, but it is self-exploration. Because you might end up berating somebody and making ultimately making your life worse by having a difficult relationship with someone because people don't want difficult relationships in their life that just don't. The hard work and everyone, you know, everyone ultimately wants to have good and healthy relationships and an easy life. Yeah. So if the first step can be noticing your parts play, even if it's not 100% your part, you might take some of the weight off that and be able to come to a resolution together instead of it being it's all your fault. Yeah, I think that's a really good point. So there is actually just next to it in this book, surrounded by idiots, that sort of feeds off the back. What I was just saying. So I'm just going to read it out. So it says communication happens on the listener's terms. Does that sound strange? Let me explain. Everything you say to a person is filtered through his frame of reference, biases and perceived ideas. Nope. That's wrong. Everything you say to a person is filtered through his frames of reference, biases, and preconceived ideas. What remains is ultimately the message that he understands for many different reasons. He can interpret what you want to convey in a totally different way than you intended. What is actually understood will naturally vary depending on who you are speaking to, but it is very rare that the entire message gets through exactly as you conceived it in your mind. It may feel depressing knowing that you have so little control over what your listener understands. No matter how much you sense you would like to knock the other person's head off, there's not that much you can do about it. This is one of the many challenges of communication. You simply can't change how the listener functions. However, most people are aware of and sensitive of how they want to be treated. By adjusting yourself to how other people want to be treated, you become more effective in your communication. So to reinforce what I was saying about the adaptability and flexibility of your communication style, it's saying that we have very little control over how we can be perceived. So you may as well try all that you can to flex to that person's style so that they understand more, because communication happens on the listener's terms, not the speaker's terms. That worries me. You know, I actually think you just read in an hour for, oh my God, I have actually just had the realization where people might actually perceive us to be difficult just because they it's on the listener's terms. So we, you know, someone might listen to what I'm saying and thank God she's being so difficult and I've got no control over that. It's just how that person is wired. So yeah, that's really weird. Especially because obviously I'm a control freak. So now I'm going to be consciously thinking of the fact that, I can't control how other people perceive what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what they hate you. My heart, it hurts. I was like, oh my God. Another thing I can't control. And last thing that I wanted to mention is I think labels can be quite detrimental. So calling someone a difficult person, I just want to raise the fact that someone might have been difficult and you might say, oh, you went to school with someone a while ago. Oh, they were really difficult. But I would just implore you to revisit that person now because people change all the time. If you knew me two years ago, you no longer know me. I'm a firm believer of that. So if someone was difficult two years ago and you cut off the relationship, perhaps because there was that was the last resort, I wouldn't ever turn you back on a relationship completely if they reach out, because they might have done the work on themselves and evolved and change, and people do change when they want to change, like we said, they only change if they want to. But yeah, if someone was difficult way back when, they might not be that anymore. Yeah. So give them the give them the benefit of the doubt that they might have changed and become less difficult and also accept that maybe they're difficult now give them a bit of space. So in essence, if someone's difficult now and you know, you give them the feedback, they've not changed, then let them be difficult. But that might not be them forever. So cut them off and then revisit it in a few years when they've done the work based on the knowledge that you've given them. Yeah, exactly. I think being honest with people as well, as we've said loads of times, because one of our big values is being honest people and having extreme candor with people gives them the opportunity to improve. Don't repress things with difficult people. Strengthen your skill at having difficult conversations. I think that is one of the most underrated skills. Life skill, self-development skills that anyone can have is having the courage to have a difficult or uncomfortable conversation. It save you years of resentment. Yeah, of emotional debt just to have that short and sharp, uncomfortable, confrontational conversation with somebody. And that's a big part of dealing with difficult people. Great. What a way to end. But not before we talk now. Oh row Fox of the week. What was yours darling? Oh my. Oh fuck of the week. Well, it's to do with my Stanley. Yeah, that's a good one. They're a pain. They are a pain. My God. In fact, that's funny that you say that cos I've just spilled water all out. Okay, well very apt. Yeah. On sweet on the way to the gym. Picked up my bag, looked at my Stanley and all of my clothes were dripping. Right. The whole 1.2l. Is it my. Yeah, that's the whole bag was slopping around water inside with all my gym clothes and my makeup. I kind of thin. And I said to James, nah, well, I didn't say to James, I just said it to me and James in the kitchen. He was like, wow. And I was like, my Stanley's legs. And obviously he just thinks I'm such a, like, drama queen. She's all right. I behave like, let's say like, let's deal with it. And then he picks up, he's like, fuck it. Oh, it's like all these are vol today. Yeah. I was like, I know I'm telling you. So to I literally I went into the sink, the whole bag and all. Jim was aware. So I was like, oh fuck. But you know, perfect timing. As James always says, every single time something wrong happens, he goes, well, it's a good day. Fuck of the week. And all right, reframe isn't is it so good. That was it. Yeah annoying. Amazing. But mine is an oh fuck. I've always been this weird. So I finally I found this letter in my dad's office not long ago. It was like last week. So it's a letter to the tooth fairy. Oh, it's really cute. So to the tooth fairy. How are you? Oh. So that. Yeah, I haven't really kept in touch. And I am very sorry. Brown nosing. Because I want some money. But you should be pleased, because the reason why is because I haven't lost any teeth for two years. Oh, I am looking forward to seeing you. Okay. I'm sure hope your stash of teeth are still huge. And then yours sincerely, your biggest fan, Millie Ainsworth. And then kiss kiss. And then. P.S. please reply. Oh, she's so cute. And I've like, drawn like a picture. Oh my gosh, terrifying. I'm drawing a picture of the tooth fairy as well and she just she didn't reply. Maybe that's why of it, but I just thought that was like, oh fuck. Like how cute. And just. Yeah, and weird. Basically. Please reply. How are you? Oh, that's making me laugh. Is it? You put, a lot of that, I hope. See you again. I know you've never seen never seen her. Well it says yeah, I am looking forward to seeing you. Like what? What are you talking about? Oh, seeing you, not seeing you again. Yeah. I'm looking forward to seeing you. But, I mean, that's not going to happen. But I'll you you get like 2 pound for a tooth. Oh boy. I was pulling them out literally. And that's all we've got time. Yeah. Like I'm rounding off like yes. Round. Good. But seriously, never. Actually seriously, that is all we've got time for today because we are three minutes over schedule at the studio. So we will love you and leave you guys. We hope that you enjoyed this episode. If you did, please share it with, a difficult person. Yeah, that you may know and love. And if you are watching on YouTube, please just track your mouse and just click subscribe. Take you half a second and if you are listening on Spotify or Apple, please just open up the app, scroll down to the bottom and click Rate Overview. Give us a five star review and write some nice words please. Yeah okay. See you next time. Bye You know.