Just Pick a Restaurant

Why is it so dang hard to make a collaborative decision? Why are Hearts so passive? Why do Heads get so frustrated and short with this stuff? If you've ever argued over something simple - like where to eat - then this podcast will explain how Hearts and Heads can create more natural communication in the relationship so that you both can enjoy a little happiness. 

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_02: 0:21

Welcome to Heart vs. Head. It was my birthday the end of January and we had traveled to another island just to get away. While we were going on this weekend runaway, we decided that we would have the birthday dinner on a Friday night. And I asked Randy if he would take care of finding us a good restaurant.

SPEAKER_01: 0:43

A seemingly simple task. Right. Find a good restaurant.

SPEAKER_02: 0:48

Yeah.

UNKNOWN: 0:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 0:48

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 1:18

at where we were staying. And I went, let's find some place where we can walk. That way, if we decide to have a drink or two, we don't have to worry about driving. Don't have to worry about finding parking. Don't have to worry about anything. Just find something close to where we're staying within walking distance, which limited it to about a handful of spots, four or five that were within walking distance. So that was how my brain decided okay, what are we choosing from?

SPEAKER_02: 1:51

As we're walking to this restaurant and I had said, where is this? What is it? And he had said, oh, it's supposed to be the best pizza on the island. As we head out, the first thought I had was, oh man, we just had pizza the other day. So that was kind of my first hurdle. And then I thought, well, but it is supposed to be the best. So trying to keep an open mind, I'm now starting to feel bad because I asked Randy to do this and he did it. And I waited till now to find out that it's pizza and not really looking forward to pizza, especially on my birthday.

SPEAKER_01: 2:29

Now recognize all of this is occurring inside Beverly's head. None of this is occurring as a conversation. That's why I

SPEAKER_02: 2:38

said thought to myself. Yes. So we're, as we're walking to the pizza restaurant, I look over, of course, I can't help but smell. There's this wonderful grill. It's Pretty close to the hotel. Smells amazing. Lots of high vibe energy. You can hear people laughing. Music. Really all the things I was kind of looking for. And so I say to Randy, wow, look at that place. And Randy says.

SPEAKER_01: 3:06

I thought, okay, well, yeah, that place just opened. I wasn't even sure looking online that they were even open yet. But it looks like they are open. Obviously, there's a crowd. Cooking smells. The place is obviously now open. And I said, would you like to go there instead?

SPEAKER_02: 3:26

Now, the way my heart brain thinks is, of course, yes, absolutely. But I don't want to hurt his feelings. I know he invested time and effort in the research, which I asked him to do. And secondly, he seemed kind of into the pizza place, you know, is the best on the island. I mean, just the way he presented it led me to believe that maybe he really wanted pizza. He's kind of a carb guy. So I'm kind of the meat and potatoes girl. So I didn't want to hurt his feelings. And this is where a lot of the problem starts. So I say, well, we just had pizza.

SPEAKER_01: 4:06

She says, I feel like we just had pizza. And this is not an answer to the question I asked. I said, would you rather go here? Apparently, I oversold the pizza place. I'm not a big fan of the pizza place. I probably was trying to sell the pizza place because I was like, I want her to like it. I want her to want to go to the place that I have selected. Sure. But I don't really care. So I say, would you rather go here? And she says, I feel like we just had pizza. That's not the question. Do you want to go to this other place? Do you want to go here?

SPEAKER_02: 4:45

So it took a couple of tries to get there. Because he just repeats the question. And I say, well, it's right here. It does smell amazing. The music is perfect. It is my birthday. Maybe we could do the pizza another night. Do you want to just see if they have, how long the wait is kind of thing? And obviously none of these choices are very direct.

SPEAKER_01: 5:13

Yeah. And this is a challenge and we see it so often, even in every relationship, but we see it in our relationship all the time. It constantly comes up where Beverly, the heart partner, is trying to hint at things. And I think hearts, they want the head partner to be able to guess. They want us to know what they want because that's some kind of, I guess, some method that hearts know that somebody loves them if we can read their mind. It always seems like hearts are very passive, very indirect in conversation, whereas had Beverly said, yes, I want to go to this other place, I would have gone, okay, cool. Great. Now I have the information to know what she needs to be happy. Let's go here. It's such a different way to communicate this kind of direct versus indirect communication. And it happens all the time. As a head, I go, well, what do you want? Just say it. It doesn't matter. I don't really have feelings about a restaurant. Even if I tried to sell you on the restaurant, I don't really have these feelings attached to things. And if I do have feelings attached to, let's say, a pizza restaurant, what I would do is if you said, yes, I want to go to this other place, if I was really bothered by that, I would then tell you and say, no, I would rather go to the pizza place. I want this. I picked this because of this or because of that. I would have have the argument, but I don't really put a lot of feeling into it most of the time. Why on earth are hearts so indirect?

SPEAKER_02: 6:57

A lot of the reason is we're trying to create that harmony. We use, especially hearts use communication to bond and connect. We care a lot about people. That's how we make decisions. If you recall from previous podcasts, that is one of the definitions is we as hearts really do care about our partner. And that is what filtered the way that I answered about dinner. Had it have been some other question, let's say we're cooking and I've got two choices, chicken or hamburger, which one do you want? That one doesn't have the play that going to a restaurant where I asked you to research it and it's my birthday and it's a vacation, kind of a date night. So there was a lot weighing on this opportunity to bond that night. It was what I was all about, running away for the weekend and celebrating with you. And I wanted to really enjoy this wonderful night, this magical night. And so I was kind of bridging those two goals in my mind without really being aware of it.

SPEAKER_01: 8:11

It is really interesting that you put all of this effort, all of this into something like picking a place to go out and eat, even if it's a big thing, even if it's a birthday dinner on a vacation. I don't think as a head I put that much emotion into any decision making. And so this is important for couples to understand. There is a vastly different process occurring in our brains as we are making decisions. decisions, even decisions as simple as picking a restaurant. And how many times do we hear this from couples that come in and they're like, we can't even agree on where to eat. And it's not the not being able to agree on where to eat. It's the, we can't figure out how to get our communication styles to click together because we don't understand one another. And I think a lot of times it's the this passive nature of communication of the heart and the direct nature of communication of the head, because my direct nature in communication feels harsh to Beverly. And then the more passive, the more indirect she is in communicating to me, the more frustrated I get and the more direct I become. And as I become more direct, she goes, oh, well, maybe his feelings are hurt and this This is why he's being mean. And so she becomes even more indirect. And now we're at a place where you can't agree on Chinese food versus pizza or a bar and grill versus pizza because now you're actually having conflict based strictly on this communication style based on this heart-head difference. It's really important to be able to understand that. So how do we solve it? That's the big– That's the big thing. If you're listening out there and you go, wait, that sounds like every argument we have. I just want her to tell me what she wants so she can be happy. If this is your world, how do we fix it?

SPEAKER_02: 10:30

So from a heart perspective, we need to understand the direct and indirect communication. And we need to know that as hearts, we're going to gravitate toward the indirect. I was taught many, many years ago as I became a communications expert that that you always need to know your audience. You always need to speak to your audience, which is a great strategy when you're in communications. If you're giving a presentation to a bunch of plumbers, you know, you ought to be able to speak plumbing a bit, or they're going to just see you as coming from the outside and having no relevance to what they do for a living. So it's great advice, but it really encompasses all aspects of communication, dress, indirect, verbal, nonverbal, tone, doing your research, all of those things. So what I tell hearts to do is to recognize first and foremost that we are by nature indirect communicators and to understand that we don't have to not be who we are. We don't have to radically change that. I am very much a indirect communicator with my children, with other hearts in the just fine over there. So it's not something I really have to address other than when I'm speaking with heads. So with Randy, I already know he's a head. He's a direct communicator. I recognize that Randy processes internally. I process things externally. So I know that I can ramble is what I'm trying to say. And what I want to do is I want to think about my interactions, not just start communicating, which is what hearts tend to do. So if I really take a few moments and really think about the situations, there is no problem with pausing for a minute, thinking it over in your head, realizing, okay, we're trying to pick a restaurant. Randy really wants honesty and an openness. And my go-to response would typically be being polite and protecting any hurt feelings, perhaps. When I go, for example, and tell the dog that I want him to sit. I don't say, oh, dog, you know, walk around, find somewhere comfortable and then lay down. If you said that to a dog, they would just look at you like you're a monster or an alien because I don't know what you just said. But if you look at the dog and you say, sit. Very direct. The dog's like, okay, got it. And then he sits there in pants and smiles at you because he knows that he did what you asked and that makes him happy. He's happy because you're happy. And while we don't want to say that heads are like dogs.

SPEAKER_01: 13:20

This analogy always comes up. So heads are a little bit, we are a little bit like dogs. And what I want is for you to be happy. And I don't concern myself about all the other things that are involved as long as Beverly's happy. So if Beverly says, yes, this is where I want to go, I'm good. It's clean. It's direct. It's helpful. One of the things, and Beverly's right, hearts have to be more direct. Train your head partner. Train your dog. It's really important for heads, though, to create some safe space for the heart to be able to have their process too. So yes, we want our heart partner to be direct with us and say, yes, this is where I want to go or no, that's not where I want to go. We want that directness. It's really necessary as a head to make it safe for the heart to have the ability to answer. So I have to say things like, oh, I'm not really attached to where we go to eat. I want you to pick and I'm good either way. It's okay. I don't mind. It's your birthday. You get to pick. I'm really okay. I'm good. By letting Beverly know that I'm not invested, even though I spent whatever amount of time and trying to find a restaurant and whatever amount of time and energy trying to sell her, making sure that I made a good choice, I have to let her know that I'm not invested in that. so that she can feel safe to be direct. So hearts be more direct. Your head can handle

SPEAKER_02: 15:10

it.

SPEAKER_01: 15:12

And they actually want it. Heads Create some space for that safe conversation so that your heart partner can be direct. Give them the room to do that.

SPEAKER_02: 15:26

It's important to realize that you can say no. That night when he said pizza, I could have just said, no, we just had pizza. Let's find somewhere else. And what's weird is that even saying it right now as an example, it just sounds so mean to me. But saying no is just a good boundary It's just being honest and open and knowing that our relationship can handle whatever I have to say. I don't have to sugarcoat it or beat around the bush. I can be very direct. In fact, Randy appreciates that and respects it. So if you really don't want something, you need to say no. You need to find the word no. You need to use it. You need to practice it so it becomes easier and everybody will be a lot happier. I want to address one last thing because it was a special night. It was a birthday. It was kind of vacation-y. It was a date night. And that added the pressure because even Randy and I are pretty seasoned at this communication in relationships. We've come so far. We write books about it. People come to us, pay us for our expertise in it. I think the main element was that it had the date night aspect to it. And it's probably a whole nother podcast down the road, but the date night is all about the vibe for the heart. So I was especially trying to make sure that it was filled with all the elements that would truly make me happy. That's why this other restaurant smelled like great food, could hear people laughing, lots of enjoyment going on. I heard the live music. And when I looked over at it, all of my senses were pointing to, wow, this place looks really fun. Just what I'm looking for, for a good date night. And those things, I don't always communicate to my partner. Those are things that matter to me. And heads don't think of it that way. Heads don't think about the vibe. And it took me a about me than about Randy getting it right. It was about me getting ready for it, setting up the stage, and then going out and pursuing whatever vibe that is that really gives me that date night feel. And I can't expect my partner, whether they're a head or a heart, no one can read minds. I can't expect my partner to already just know what that is. And sometimes that's the way hearts believe relationships work is that my partner reads me or just knows

SPEAKER_01: 18:21

yeah they just get me or I don't want to have to tell you what I want you should just know nobody just knows and recognize it's okay I don't I don't care if you think that as the head partner if you think I'm dense because I don't know and you have to be direct and tell me because I don't know I'm okay with that I really I just, I want you to be happy. It makes me feel successful as your partner. You're happy on a date night. I do not care if we go wherever. I will go there with you. You smile. You have fun. You have a great night. We get back to the hotel. You go, yay, that was a great night. I feel successful. That's really all that matters to me as the head partner. So hopefully this helps you a recognize that a little bit of direct communication can go a long ways for both of you. It

SPEAKER_02: 19:22

is really the head that wants the heart to be happy. It's part of how they view their success as a partner. Sometimes hearts will say, well, I want my partner to be happy too. That's why I indirectly communicate. And I get all of that. However, it is very different between heads and hearts. Heads really do want the heart to be happy. It really is how they measure that success. And hearts can just enjoy that. I think it's a wonderful perk when I realized that Randy truly wants me to be happy. And once I started to focus on my part of that, instead of trying to make him happy, which just ends up in a complete disaster. But if I focus on my own happiness, not in a selfish way, I definitely do things to you know, for Randy's happiness that bring me joy. I also know that, especially when it comes to a date night, if I do my part and Randy, his, it ends up being a great date night. It's one of the keys to success. And we'll probably talk about date nights down the road.

SPEAKER_01: 20:32

Absolutely. So hearts tend to be indirect in communication. Heads tend to be very direct in communication. If you understand it, you can both communicate better. Hope it helps out. And we'll, we'll talk to you soon. If

SPEAKER_02: 20:44

you have any questions, If you have any ideas for future podcasts, we are taking suggestions. You can just email us.

SPEAKER_01: 20:51

Info at heartandheadcoaching.com and we're happy to answer questions as we go

SPEAKER_02: 20:59

forward. I'd love to hear other people's stories and break it down for

SPEAKER_00: 21:06

you. Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heart and head coaching dot com.