Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples communicate again and fight better.
Heart Versus Head
Why We Fight - Understanding VNEs
What if you could de-code the conflict in your relationship? In this episode, Randy and Beverly explain the three reasons that couples disagree, argue and fight. By understanding the different values, needs and expectations we have from our partner, we can more easily communicate and find common ground. Relationship disagreements always come down to different values, unmet needs or missed expectations. By understanding these differences, you'll both be more prepared to communicate with understanding and compassion for your partner. If you're ready to break the cycle of conflict in your relationship, it's time to understand VNEs; Values, Needs and Expectations.
Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02:Hey, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the podcast. Today we are talking about why people fight. We're going to break down arguments down. We're going to break conflict down for you in a way that helps you understand it. And it's going to take a couple of podcast episodes. We'll break it down over the next few pods. But we want to start with just an overview of why the heck we end up in conflict with the people we are in relationships with. And we've talked a lot about head and heart and the differences that makes. But when it comes down to conflict, there is something else at play. All conflict in any relationship comes down to a couple of things.
SPEAKER_00:Three, actually. There's the values of which values are things that are usually established when we're young. But hearts are very aligned with their values and it's difficult for hearts if we are making a decision or doing something, and if it comes up against a value, it can be difficult for us. So values comes from our past.
SPEAKER_02:your partner's values, that's an area where you're going to end up in a lot of disagreements. And so it's really important. We'll talk more about each of these, but let's continue. What's the second category of conflict, Beverly?
SPEAKER_00:Needs. The issue with needs is that a lot of times people don't communicate them or we don't We're not fully aware of what they are. We just expect our partner to take care of those needs as if they could read our mind, perhaps. And needs are very much in the present. It's what do I need right now?
SPEAKER_02:So values are from the past. Those are things we learn growing up and are based on our experiences. Needs are right now. What is it that I need in my relationship from this person that I'm in a relationship with? And those are two of the categories that lead to conflict in relationships. And the third one
SPEAKER_00:is expectation. And that is coming from the future because we're looking forward. It's what we expect from that certain person. Again, this is an area where We have a lot of expectations. It's human to have them. What we tend to fault in is not knowing exactly what they are, not communicating them, not being upfront with them. Sometimes we might have a whole list. I've had clients that will come in and as they're just talking about their partner, I'll hear 5, 10, 15 different expectations. You know, well, he didn't do this, and I thought he was going to do that. And it's eye-opening how many expectations we can have of our partner, yet the other person is completely clueless to what those might be. So expectations, future.
SPEAKER_02:So we've got values. The values are from the past. The needs are what exists in the present, and the expectations are what we expect in the future. So past, present, Any disagreement in your relationship is probably going to fall into one of those categories. It's values, needs, and expectations. We call them V&Es. And it's really helpful sometimes when you're in a conflict, if you can play scientist a little bit, dig a little deeper. And try and figure out, hey, is this conflict a values conflict? Is it a conflict in our needs? Is it a conflict in our expectations? Because if you're fighting with your partner, you either have different values, unmet needs, or uncommunicated expectations. And so those three areas will really help you take every disagreement that you have and break it down. This is also an area where if you argue about Like little stuff, constantly. And you go, wait, why are we arguing about socks? Why are we arguing about- Toilet paper. Why are we arguing about these little things? You have to be able to dig a little bit deeper because underlying a lot of these small disagreements is generally a larger issue that you need to be able to address. And that's generally that value need or expectation difference that people run up against.
SPEAKER_00:So a lot of our podcasts, when we talk about different issues and how heads and hearts are different, you may start to realize that, oh, okay, there was a an expectation there that wasn't met or a need perhaps that wasn't communicated and so forth. So it does come up a lot and that's why it was like, okay, if we're going to take this podcast to the next level, we're going to have to talk about conflict, where it comes from and kind of the root of it. So this is just really an overview today, but tell me about values.
SPEAKER_02:Values. All right. So let's talk about differences that we see in value. And one of them that we see quite frequently is values that people have for things like sex and pornography. We get many couples that will come to us. And the, you know, the heart partner has found the head partner's only fans account or the heart partner has found a video or a photo on the head partner's phone or vice versa. The head partner has found that the heart partner is engaging in something that involves sex pornography, that kind of thing. Not infidelity, though infidelity is certainly a value, but we'll stick to kind of pornography.
SPEAKER_00:It can overlap into other values, like Randy said, one that also comes to mind when it comes to porn and sex would also be the idea of loyalty and I know a couple that had struggled and came in and they both thought they were right. And so they're in front of us. One is like, hey, I'm just looking at social media. I'm looking at nude girls or, you know, clant.
SPEAKER_02:Half naked. Why do you like all the photos from the half naked girls in swimsuits? Right. This is a values clash at some level for how we look at other people's bodies and sex and all of those things. And it really comes from growing up. If we grow up in a typical Christian home and those things are really frowned upon, there may be shame with sex, shame with pornography, those kinds of things, versus people that grow up in a super open or more progressive kind of home. And that might be something that is more talked about and open and accepted. It doesn't make either person right. It's just a value that you have, and you have to be able to talk about that value in order to resolve the conflict in your relationship. Now, you do not have to have the same values as your partner. It's helpful if you're both generally aligned. But it's not a requirement. You can disagree on some of
SPEAKER_00:these things. know, they came up with a plan to let the child decide and present both forms of religion. And so it actually worked out for them. They have very different values in that area, but they actually were able to work that out with some help from Randy and I. We tend to kind of assume that our partner has similar values, especially when perhaps we grew up in the same neighborhood or school or even state. Sometimes when someone has has a similar background to us, we tend to not press questions around our values. I know even with Randy and I, there were a few conversations in dating But there was a lot of commonality assumptions on our parts.
SPEAKER_02:Moving on. To needs. Let's talk about needs. Beverly, give us an example of a conflict of needs.
SPEAKER_00:Needs, I'm going to stay close to home. And Randy and I have a great example for a needs difference. Again, when we got married in that early stage of the relationship, doing everything together, enjoying all the same things. And it wasn't until a few years in after things settled a bit, that when it came to maybe a weekend off, a couple days, one of us was thinking about, oh, we should go and do this and that, go for a hike and go to a movie or go to the store, had a whole list of things for adventure. And the other part of us was like, oh, golly, you know, I worked hard all week. I just want to sit on the couch and enjoy some peace and quiet.
SPEAKER_02:That would be me, the sit on the couch and enjoy some peace and quiet. And And if you really look at needs that way, you know, I have a need for... A
SPEAKER_00:man cave.
SPEAKER_02:I have a need for stability. I like my place. I like my stuff. I like my life. And that's really important in my world. If you look back on my life, I moved all the time as a kid. And so because we moved so much, I remember not having a lot of things. Things were hard to move. And because we moved a lot, we didn't acquire a lot of things. I also didn't acquire a lot of friends or any of those things because we moved so darn much, just didn't stay long enough any one place. So now in my life, when I get a day off, I'm like, oh, I'd like to sit on my couch and enjoy my things right here. And so I've got this very strong need for fun. Stability. And Beverly is Adventure Girl. She is absolutely the opposite.
SPEAKER_00:Exactly. I grew up on a farm. Farms are full of activity and adventure. I don't know how many times I was out helping a cow deliver a calf or taking the horses out so that we could check on the farm animals and see that everything was, the fences were up. The next day, it's out irrigating and pulling fresh vegetables from the garden and going fishing every now and then. as a treat. Living in Colorado and growing up on a farm every day was just really full of variety. So when it comes to a day off, that's exactly where my mind gravitates to are those activities, things that we do that I think are fun and the spice of life. Sitting on the couch on a day off, I would look at Randy and say, this couch is killing me.
SPEAKER_02:So that's needs and those are like we said, so of the stuff that goes on in the moment, in the present of what do we need from our partner. And so, you know, Beverly needs variety and I need stability and we have to look for ways to be able to discuss that. Once again, you don't need the same things. Beverly and I have a vast disagreement in that area, but we've learned to understand one another and know that that's an important need for each of us. And so we look for opportunities to have an adventure day and then have a chill out at the house day. It's something you have to talk about. You have to kind of constantly be communicating. In needs, and this is true with values as well, these things can change over time. So you've got to kind of be having that constant discussion about it. We may change our needs as we get older, as we age, and those kinds of things. We've got to constantly kind of be talking about, hey, what is it that you need when you're talking to your partner? Let's close it up with expectations, that future thing. Expect Expectations are, what do we expect our partner to do in a given situation? Or what are we expecting something that we're going to do together to be like? And we, as humans, all of us, All of us have vastly different expectations for everything. So let's throw an example out there, Beverly, about expectations.
SPEAKER_00:One that's probably close to everyone's heart is when family comes around. There are expectations about things that we will say or do because perhaps their traditions in the family or just ways that we communicate in our family, ways we address conflict. And so with even my kids, we've mentioned in other podcasts where I have two children from a former marriage, Randy has one, they're all grown up, full adults. However, even conversations around those kids and the ways that we interact, those things are expectations. And so what can happen is you can do something as simple as invite the family over for a meal. And all of a sudden, your partner is talking about something and you're frantically trying to turn. Stop. Don't talk about that. Don't bring that up. It's something where if you don't communicate about it, it's easy to get into the swamp, you know, because we don't read minds. We don't know what our partner expects. It
SPEAKER_02:would seem so simple, you know, to just be able to say, hey, your mom's coming over and What's your expectation for that? What is it that you're hoping to kind of get out of it? What do you need from the visit? And then explaining, okay, here's what I need from this visit. Here's my expectation. And if we have that conversation, we can avoid a lot of the landmines in a relationship. But we don't have that conversation because we just think that our partner expects the same thing. So if my mom's coming to visit We might go, oh, okay, well, Randy's mom's coming over for dinner. And my expectation is, oh, we're going to we're going to sit. And because we we sat always would talk about everybody in a family and how everybody's doing and all of that stuff. And Beverly's expectation might be, oh, OK, Randy's mom's coming over. We'll play games. We'll play games. And and here it goes, you know, and then all of a sudden mom's leaving and driving home and somebody had a bad night because it didn't hit the expectation. And then the other one of us is like, OK, that was fabulous. And those things lead to conflict. Or
SPEAKER_00:even who's cooking. Go, well, your mom's here, I'll cook. And I start to pull out the food and Randy's like, no, I always cook when mom's here. So if we don't communicate about it, then it's going to be a potential for conflict, for problem.
SPEAKER_02:This is where all of the conflicts come from in your relationship. It's either a challenge of different values, unmet needs, or unfulfilled, uncommunicated expectations. Thank you. We're going to go more in detail next time about about values and then we'll cover needs separately and we'll talk about and give a few more examples of where these things conflict and what kind of other things we're talking about when we talk about values, needs and expectations. So be sure and join us for that. That's it for today. Beverly, anything to add?
SPEAKER_00:No, just this is something that I think all couples can benefit from and help you avoid the landmines out there.
SPEAKER_02:Always good to avoid the landmines. We like all of our fingers and toes. We'll talk to you soon.
SPEAKER_01:Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com. And check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.
