Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples fight better and connect again.
Heart Versus Head
VNEs: Exploring Needs
In this episode, Randy and Beverly take a deeper look at how needs influence relationship satisfaction and why it's so darn tricky for Hearts and Heads to talk about what they really need in the relationship. From love and respect to topics like intimacy, couples are often focused on the wrong things in the wrong ways. Learn to talk about what you need in a more useful way.
Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.
Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01:Hey, everybody. Welcome to the program. It's Randy and Beverly on today's program. We're going to talk about... needs. We've talked a little bit about values, needs, and expectations. These are the things that lead to fights in couples. We either have different values. We explored that a bit in the last podcast. Values are things from the past, the beliefs that we develop as people about how things should be. Needs, which we're going to dive into today, that's the present stuff. It's what do I need in my relationship? And if you caught the overview a couple of weeks back of of values needs and expectations we talked about probably the best example in our own lives which is beverly is a variety and i am a stability and so we had to as a couple really kind of explore that and so beverly needs variety she likes to have things fun to do is that Is that right? Just different stuff? I don't know. How does variety work in your head as a need, Beverly?
SPEAKER_00:Well, I just like to go and do things and mix it up. When most of my life is spent working, like most people, then I want those days off, the times in between, the evenings after, to be filled with something different. The stability I get from work is great. If I didn't have a job, I'd probably be freaking out and wanting that stability. But because the work is solid, I think that it really brings up this need for something different. It could be fun. It could be adventure. Sometimes I'll settle for, hell, I'll just go to the grocery store. At least I got out and did something and it was different. It could be a range of things. I admit it's probably a moving target. It's not always the same, but that's also good because the whole point of variety is not doing the same thing over and over again. I like to swim. But if I went swimming every day, then that would become mundane.
SPEAKER_01:And I understand none of this because I am not a variety. Probably because I grew up so anxious. I see so much chaos in anything that feels like variety, I guess. So Beverly really likes that. Hey, let's go see something, do something, get out of the house. And when I look at that, I go, I don't know. Out of the house is scary. It's not, rationally. probably understand that. But I grew up, moved all the time, and we've talked about that. So I ended up being this person that likes to, I like to be in my place. I like to sit on my couch. I know it's not the greatest way for Beverly to live, but it's the way that my brain likes to do it. And so as a couple, we've really had to realize that we have different needs. And so when these opportunities come up to help, have a little bit of free time, we have to communicate more, not less about it, because we have to recognize that there are days that it just stresses me out if she wants to throw a Walmart trip in right before we record the podcast. Not to say that example has ever occurred. I'm fine with that.
SPEAKER_00:Tell them. I had a need
SPEAKER_01:for Walmart. But it was not an overnight Overwhelming need for Walmart because we didn't go to Walmart. Your daughter called and you chatted with her for 30 minutes. And so then we had to get the podcast recorded. So here we are. Priorities. Was your daughter, did talking to her provide the variety that you would need?
SPEAKER_00:Well, that gets really complicated because I still have a need for Walmart and now it's not, well, no, it still is a variety because I just want to get out of the house. We've been in it all day, had a lot of fun. phone client, so I'm just ready to see nature, get out the door, be
SPEAKER_01:outside. You'll certainly see some nature at Walmart. Not sure it's a nature you necessarily want to see, but Walmart's always a place to see some nature, let me tell you. Human nature, and that's probably why I don't like going there.
SPEAKER_00:So the need is not fulfilled, but I did prioritize the podcast because I'm a heart, and I knew that it would impact you on editing if I didn't get this done first. And then once I got this done, then now I'm free to go to Walmart. Okay. That makes sense.
SPEAKER_01:Thank you. And I appreciate your ability to prioritize things that way. And maybe that's why we're able to work so naturally with our different needs and not let it lead to conflict in our relationship because we're both relatively flexible. Needs aren't just Just stability or variety. There are a bunch of needs that couples have. Things like importance, wanting to feel like you are a priority in the relationship. Which comes up a lot. Yes. Yeah. We see a lot of couples where the head partner may be focused on the job and the heart partner is like, I just, I don't know. I don't feel what I need to feel in the relationship. Or it could be a hobby
SPEAKER_00:too. We've seen that. Golf.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, things like that where something on the weekends and the heart partner sits and is so excited that there will be time together and the head partner goes, no, I do this other thing. Needs are kind of that way. What we've found, and this is all in the couple's rule book, what we've found is that hearts typically need connection. Their real strongest need is always kind of that little bit of connection. And that heads tend to need and prioritize respect and appreciation, some of that importance factor of feeling that priority. Now, that's not to say that those are set things. We all need these things. I think when we talk about sometimes about needs, we'll say, oh, well, you know, heads need to be respected and appreciated. And heart partners will say, well, I need to be respected and appreciated too. And that's absolutely true. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:Right.
SPEAKER_01:We all need all of these things. As much as I am a stability, there are parts of my life where I need variety. And it's probably what attracted me to Beverly because she could push me toward that other need a little bit. Needs aren't set in concrete. They're not set in stone. They change over time. They change based on our situation. I think as you go through a relationship, if you're, if you're new in a relationship and you're exploring that and you get to the place where maybe you have children, children can change what you need. Moving to another community, maybe away from family support can change what you need in your relationship, retirement, aging, illness.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And it's like Randy said, it's always changing, which makes it a little bit difficult. But if we just focus on what do we need right now in this moment, in this day or this chapter of our relationship where maybe there's a problem or a challenge, then we're able to really focus on that. What's interesting is we all need all the needs. It's just that some we need more than others and they kind of ebb and flow throughout life based on what we're going through. So it's good to check in with your partner and figure out, okay, what is it that you need? It's not changing every second, I guess it could, but But it's more about kind of this, this chapter this season, what do you need? And so the variety and stability needs for Randy and I is something that we had to communicate and work through. And we come up with, you know, a wonderful kind of compromise where one day, if we get two days off, one day is usually stability day. And I know that Randy plans to just not take the car anywhere, don't go anywhere much, maybe go for a walk at most. And I just plan my day around all the things I need to do, go to the gym on my own and that kind of thing so that he can fully have that stability and I can still do what I need to get done. I might sit on the couch and enjoy part of the day with him. And then on the next day off would be maybe the variety day. And either I get to plan that or I just give him an idea of here's what I had in mind. Let's try to maybe hit Costco or somewhere and then do something in the afternoon, go to the beach or hit the pool or whatever that is. We work that And it just made our relationship so much happier because now we understood each other. We have a plan and it really doesn't come up as a problem anymore.
SPEAKER_01:You can ask your partner, what do you need? What is it that you need right now? And it doesn't just help you figure out what they need. Sometimes it helps them figure out what they need because oftentimes, and I find this a lot with Beverly, I'll say, wait, what do you need right now? And I can tell she's doing that thing where she's like searching, trying to figure out what she needs in that moment. And so we may be just reacting and responding to things without knowing that we have an unmet need, that we're frustrated or we're a little short with our partner or a little angry or those things. And when somebody says, hey, what do you need? What is it that you need right now? That's a great opportunity to try and get some insight into what is it that you need right
SPEAKER_00:now. It does help us because we're not always focused. We don't think about things in the same way as heads. We externally process more than we internally process. So by him asking the question, it enables me to pause and reflect. And if I think about it, then I can actually give him, you know, what that is. So it really does help to have these tools and to be able to use them and helps to avoid conflict. It helps to communicate better.
SPEAKER_01:One of the areas where needs really runs into some conflict is when it comes to intimacy. We get a ton of couples that are challenged because one partner's need for intimacy is not be And that can be a tricky one to talk about. Right. We have to
SPEAKER_00:be open and honest and very truthful in that moment, which is very vulnerable, but that is what, you know, good relationships require is that we have that level of communication. We trust our partner to not use that information against us or to judge us for it. And then we can solve things because we have two people who are open and willing to talk about it. Sometimes culturally or in our background, certain subjects might seem taboo, but in a couple, intimate couple, sex intimacy is something we've got to be willing to talk about.
SPEAKER_01:Well, especially because it's so mysterious for couples, for men to understand what feels good for women, for women to understand what feels good for men and vice versa. It's a big giant mystery. And if you are not communicating about it, you're not going to unravel that mystery. It all comes down to the ability to be able to communicate the thing you have to recognize. And we've talked about it time and time again, and we will continue to because it's the crux of this. We communicate differently. Heads and hearts communicate differently. Heads are very direct and they talk to fix problems. They don't talk to connect with their partner. We process internally. So we've got all these ideas and thoughts that are already figured out. Hearts do it differently. So when you're sitting down and talking about, hey, what do you need? You also have to, in the back of your mind, keep this idea of how's my partner coming at this? How is my partner talking about this? Is my partner, the heart partner, indirect? And it may take a little bit more questioning, a little bit more inquisitiveness on your part to get that heart partner to give you the need or the nugget of it because they're still trying to process it. So asking questions is super important about needs.
SPEAKER_00:I think another tip would be that when heads and hearts are having a communication about needs or anything, really, it's about the heart partner paying attention to how do I communicate to my head partner in a way that is respectful. So we wouldn't have the conversation if there wasn't a problem. Something isn't working, something is off. Going back to the variety and stability conversation, if I say to my head partner, this couch is killing me, which is kind of the way I used to talk, and Randy would feel very criticized because he turned that into, oh, you know, she's not happy She doesn't like sitting here. She's sitting here because of me. Does she not like me? that we're on the couch and so that was my frustration coming out and my communication was this couch is killing me which I had to learn is really disrespectful and it's it's not that appropriate it's more kind of complaining very emotion filled and what I've learned to do is to just say let's have a conversation about what we do after work or what the expectation is when we're having time off we do a lot of sitting I would like to suggest maybe we go for a walk there's other things to do that don't involve just sitting.
SPEAKER_01:Beverly talks about his couch is killing me and my head because of some of the physical limitations that I have with some of the age-related and medical stuff that I deal with, a lot of pain. So sitting is actually a lot more comfortable for me than messing up my jacked up knees and ankles and stuff. But I would hear her say his couch is killing me and I go, yeah, she's absolutely right. This couch is killing us. And We know it's true. And so because I've kind of had that conversation in my head, because I've already kind of beat myself up for my sedentary nature, because I beat myself up for that. And then Beverly says, oh, this couch is killing me. Now, in my head, it just feels like criticism. It feels like piling on. That begins to all feel like criticism to the head. And you have to be very careful about this when you're talking about these needs that you're Yeah, absolutely. because we both can go into defense mode and feel defensive about these things. Have conversations and recognize maybe it's not personal. Maybe it's just who you are in this moment and what you need right now.
SPEAKER_00:When heads are communicating their needs, do so in a more kind of loving, connecting way. The head partner might say, well, I have to work late. I have to work on Saturday. I have work on this other day. I have to go on a trip for work or even I'm going to go play golf on my day off. That's very direct and typical for a head to say to their partner. What they don't realize is that while it's to inform me and it's very direct and concise and from their perspective, what could be wrong with informing? This seems like a very easy conversation. Seems
SPEAKER_01:pretty
SPEAKER_00:straightforward to me. A heart would probably be looking for connection or importance or priority and have been expecting that partner to hang out together on a day off or during that week or during that time period. So if a head is more mindful of that, that communication is about bonding as well, not just informing, and to remember that describing a need or sharing a need and what they have to go do if they could do it in a loving way. Maybe an example would be, hey, babe, I've got to work on Saturday. I know that you were hoping that we'd hang out together. Nothing I can do about it. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you. You are my priority. Let's see if we can do something Thursday night and kind of make up for some of that time or have some time together, have a date night or something. So it's about each of you realizing that you both have needs you both communicate differently it's okay to be honest and open up front it's good to know your audience know whether it's a head or a heart whether to be indirect and or direct but also to take in mind that heads are looking for that respect and heads remember that when you're talking to a heart to do it in a loving way
SPEAKER_01:absolutely and it is it's a trick it takes practice you'll learn it you'll figure And we'll keep trying to unwind some of the mysteries of head and heart for you. That's it for today's podcast needs. Next time, we're going to dive through another conflict creator expectations. What do you expect your partner to do in any given situation in the future? That's on the next pod. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Bye.
UNKNOWN:Bye.
SPEAKER_02:Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.
