Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples fight better and connect again.
Heart Versus Head
VNEs: Exploring Expectations
Well, what did you expect? In this episode, Randy and Beverly explore why Hearts and Heads face so many challenges with expectations and why it is so important to talk about them before the trouble shows up. From completely different vacation expectations to not knowing what to do when our partner is crying... we expect that this episode will have a little something for every couple.
Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.
Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randi Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01:Hey, everybody. It's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the podcast. This time around, we're finishing up a discussion about VNEs, values, needs, and expectations. Those are the three things that cause the arguments and conflict in our relationship. Values are from your past, kind of where you grew up, how you grew up, your experiences that shape how you think and believe. Talked about that a few podcasts ago. Last time, we focused on needs, what we need in our relationship right now. And today we're going to be talking about expectations. What do we expect our partner to do in the future in any given situation? So Beverly, what are your expectations for today's podcast? I've learned to ask. That's the trick out there, heads. Learn to ask about the expectations because you got to know what you're going for. It makes it a lot easier to deliver on that.
SPEAKER_02:Absolutely. A lot of times, hearts don't even realize that we have an expectation. That was, at least in my case, as Randy and I went forward in our relationship, I never really thought about the expectations that I had. Eventually, Randy would say, well, I think you're upset because we didn't talk about this. I didn't know that's what you had in mind. And I started to think about, well, I didn't know I had that in mind either. I don't know if it's just hearts. A lot of times what is in our head is an expectation that perhaps it's more under the surface. We're not even that aware of it. And if I'm not aware of it, and so when we can be aware of that and then communicate that, things just go so much better.
SPEAKER_01:And then hit them. And we hear that a lot from couples that come in. And the heart partner will be like, you should just know. I shouldn't have to tell you.
SPEAKER_02:Well, when somebody's crying in front of you, sometimes that would be an assumption that you would maybe do something about that.
SPEAKER_01:That's an okay expectation to have, I guess, for another heart. But it's a bad expectation to have oftentimes for a head. Because when someone is crying, in front of me, I feel like they might be embarrassed by their emotion. If I caused them to cry, yeah, I probably better get involved. But if they're crying about something that I'm not involved with, it's hard. It is hard for us to engage in emotions. We just, we don't do it well. And so to have an expectation that if this happens, happens head partner randy will do x y or z it's always a challenge
SPEAKER_02:and i think that's why that one really comes to mind because you and i have already addressed this obviously there are a lot of couples out there where even just recently this came up with a couple a heart makes that assumption you know if you love me you would come over and console me or or offer some kind of support when i'm upset about something even if it's not your fault
SPEAKER_01:beverly brings up the the question And it's a question we often use to prompt people to think a little bit about their expectations. If my partner loved me, they would what? You can ask yourself that question and you start to see what your expectations are. The best example, it's in the couple's rule book. We had a couple that came to see us and they were very excited about taking a vacation. And it was, I believe, an anniversary. or something, and they wanted to go to Nashville, Tennessee. Country music fans, they wanted to go to Nashville, Tennessee. So the husband kind of took care of all the arrangements, and they get to the airport in Nashville, and they start driving in the rental car north of Nashville, and they keep driving and driving, and they're getting farther and farther and farther from the city, and they get to this cabin on a lake, a beautiful spot. And the heart partner of the wife in this case, she's like, wait a second, what do we do? We're an hour north of Nashville. I thought we were going to Nashville to see all the country stars and to be able to go to all the bars and hang out in the center of all the activities of Nashville and experience country music. Husband, Clueless, was still like, wait, I thought we were coming to get away from it. Yeah, it was a great
SPEAKER_02:example where completely different ideas about vacation, which can be really common in relationships. We can have different expectations about how to spend it. Maybe that wasn't communicated enough in the beginning. It certainly is a good example of how to spend it. an expectation that until we show up, it's completely off and could be the start of a big fight.
SPEAKER_01:We do it kind of naturally now, I think, where we check in with one another on expectations, but you have to learn to do that. Other examples that we've seen, certainly the expectations that come with visits from family. We talked about it a little bit when we were doing the overview a few podcasts ago on Viennese, how if we're going to see somebody's parents or going to see family, there's always this expectation that one of us has of, oh, this is how this is going to go. And certainly in our relationship, because it's a second marriage for both of us, we each have all these boundaries and things that we've already built up, I guess, around family. And so we have this expectation of what it's going to be like. And the thing we have to recognize is, Our expectation is completely different from the expectation of our partner. We have to be watching for that.
SPEAKER_02:Especially it gets even more complicated with family because now we're talking about additional people outside the relationship that no one has control over. So if we have an expectation it's Thanksgiving or a meal is going to look a certain way, a celebration, that can really go sideways quick for couples.
SPEAKER_01:Expectations. It's one of those things that you have to be commuting. And hopefully in looking at values, needs, and expectations, you've kind of gotten this awareness that the trick is to be open enough to talk about these things. It's also more important to be able to look deeply within yourself and understand your expectations. As Beverly's already said, these things are so hidden. We are unaware of them until something happens. Yeah, absolutely. What's your expectation for this day off, which Beverly and I have to do all the time? We have a pretty good practice of each morning just kind of as we're having coffee saying, what are we doing? What's today look like? Even if it doesn't have a lot of stuff in it or have to have a lot of stuff in it.
SPEAKER_02:Other than being aware of it, knowing you have them, communicating them, some of the other pitfalls with expectations would be that because we're all such different people. Sometimes, you're right, hearts seem like we expect our partner to know what we're thinking or what we need in that moment. A lot of that comes from our past, I would say. You know, as kids, we were comforted perhaps or someone gave connection or attention. That crying example would be one where I had a lot of people in my household who would come and ask me why I was crying and try to fix whatever problem I had. It's one of those self-awareness things where once I realized that crying was something that Randy may or may not have a role in, then I could also learn to communicate. And if I need a hug to say, hey, I know this isn't your deal. I'm upset about something, but could I just have a hug? It would help me to recover quicker, to feel better about it. Of course, now that I've talked so much about crying, I feel like everyone, all the listeners think I'm a big crybaby over here. Beverly
SPEAKER_01:is not a big crybaby over here. No, I just feel like crying. easier when Beverly looks at me and goes, I need a hug for me to go, oh, yeah, okay, that will help her and deliver on that and go give her a hug. Because my natural tendency, once again, with emotion is just to kind of withdraw from it and let her process it or whatever it is that I do when I feel down or bad or something.
SPEAKER_02:Which is an expectation.
SPEAKER_01:Right, right. And so we have these expectations and we need to talk about them and you won't believe how much easier it makes your life and your relationship. Hearts get what they need and heads get the opportunity to be the partner they want to be. And that's a win for your relationship when you can identify it and take the anger and the frustration out of it for a minute and go, I need this and be able to deliver on that.
SPEAKER_02:Another area where people can run into problems with expectation is happiness. Expecting someone to make you happy or expecting that you're going to make someone happy. Happiness is always one of those things that is best left to the person involved. We're not responsible for others. They're not responsible for us. Sure, sometimes we find happiness in other people with other people. It's just we shouldn't as a rule expect that.
SPEAKER_01:If she counts on me for her happiness, I'm going to let her down. I'm not that good at that. I'm just going to do something that lets her down. And then she's going to be upset with me and I'm going to be upset with myself and feel like a failure in the relationship. And then all of a sudden, we're in that cycle where we're all triggered or we're all angry or we're all defensive or somebody's withdrawing. It doesn't help. Learn to be deeply honest. And it's amazing at how freeing the deep honesty of going, hey, we've got a moment here and I need something. We've got this thing coming up and I expect something. I have this expectation.
SPEAKER_02:A lot of times we make plans, which is human too, and that's fine. Life doesn't always go according to those plans. Expecting things to work out according to what we thought, being a People aren't always fine all the time. People go through things. No judgment. We go through things. Also that people aren't always going to fit the idea of who we think they are. That, as Randy said, you know, sometimes he lets me down. Sometimes I let him down. It's human to do that. The most important thing is to not judge, to have that understanding, that compassion for one another and to kind of forgive and let go, have grace for that. And we still can believe that the other person will have our back, will be there for me. I just know that in the times where it's a struggle or where it didn't work out or where I misunderstood or he did, I can be okay with that.
SPEAKER_01:And for God's sakes, give her a hug if she's crying. That seems simple. All right. Well, we'll talk to you next time on the podcast. Thanks for tuning in to Heart vs. Head. Have a great week, everybody. Aloha, everybody.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.
