The 3 I Love You's

Randy and Beverly dive into how people use things like names, pet names, and familiar phrases to create connectivity in relationships. The things people say might mean different things depending on the context but most couples don't really talk about what these common things really mean... and they're missing out on a really connecting conversation. If you're looking for ways to connect more deeply in every conversation... you'll want to talk about this one. 

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randi Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hey everybody, welcome to the podcast. Today we are not going to talk about the big heavy thing I dropped on my toe a few minutes ago, which has me going, ow, but we are going to talk about something different. Hi, Beverly. I love yous. I have three different I love yous. Just for you, Beverly, three different I love yous.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

I

SPEAKER_01 1:29

know. Cause we talked about it and you recognize them all and you're, you're aware of them all now. But as a head, I say, I love you when I think about it. So I'll be, I'll be sitting on the couch and Beverly's sitting there and I'll look over and she's doing her thing. And I'll think, Oh, I love her. And I'll say, I love you, Beverly. And that's kind of the main, I love you. It's the one when I'm thinking about you.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

Right. And I think a long time ago, I, asked you about that because as many times as I say sorry in a day, and you can probably catch up on that podcast, Randy says, I love you. And so I had to inquire about that because it just doesn't roll off my tongue as much as it does with Randy. So now I understand it.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Yeah, I think it, I say it. It's a head thing. I think we say what we're kind of thinking. Second, I love you that I have for Beverly is quite frankly, not what I'm thinking about. But when I'm feeling about myself, I will say, I love you when I kind of need Beverly to say, I love you too, or to kind of come back at me where moments where I'm looking for connection, support, words of affirmation, those kinds of things. So I might be feeling bad and say, oh, I love you. And

SPEAKER_02 2:54

then I know to say, I love you too.

SPEAKER_01 2:57

And yeah, and that's, and she's gotten actually very good about that. this because she knows that the more, I don't want to call it the whiny I love you, but the whiny I love you is really me needing something from her. So I've got the I love you where I think about her. I've got the I love you where I need something from her. And then I have this really weird I love you. Beverly does things, and I think all hearts do things. We've talked about this before, and I use the word crazy, and it's not crazy in a mental sense. It's just kind of crazy wacky. Beverly will say things that are a little wacky sometimes because she gets a little hearty and I don't understand all that stuff. And she'll say things and because it just ignites my, oh my God, this person is so different and wonderful in that way, I will say, I love you, Beverly, because I don't understand maybe what she's saying or why she's saying what she's saying or how her mind is coming at it, but I say I love you, Beverly, because it reminds me of the difference between us and really maybe the value of that difference in my life for variety, for wackiness, for funny, for all the things, all the humor that you and I have in our relationship about all the things that we do so very differently.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

I do appreciate that you say I love you instead of that Because that would be offensive. from time to time is we have them go through a list of definitions just to improve their communication to understand what words mean to each other. I mean, you're going to spend your entire life with this person. I think it's worth having a 20-minute conversation as to, hey, when you call me crazy, what is it you're implying? What is it you're really saying? So over the years, I've become very familiar with Randy's use of crazy, and I even now am actually proud when he says that I'm crazy, because the way I look at it is I'd rather be crazy than boring. Not to say that Randy's boring, but heads can be very quiet, very still, very unemotional, very, well, again, logical to my illogical. And I realized that I just want to be who I am and I embrace who I am with the full respect and pride that a heart would have. So he might think I'm crazy, but every time where I've explained what I said or why I said it, he always says afterwards, well, that makes sense. It's just maybe the initial way I say it. Plus hearts love adjectives, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:16

They imbue our words with feelings. Yes,

SPEAKER_02 6:19

they're the spice of life.

SPEAKER_01 6:20

Hearts would love adjectives. We do talk about crazy, and I never mean it in an offensive way. It's always kind of meant in an endearing way about the way that Beverly's mind works in a way that's different than the way my mind works. When we were kind of originally talking about hearts being crazy, we were also at the same time talking about how heads are typically viewed as narcissists. We are the ones that people go, oh, yeah, that person's such a narcissist. And no, we're not. It's kind of a definitions thing. It may seem narcissistic at times when we're stuck in our head, but it isn't that we're actual, you know, diagnosable narcissists. Those are pretty rare. So we talk about hearts being crazy and heads being a bit robotic out of their feelings and not really concerned about other people, which is a broad overstatement and fits kind of people go, oh, that's narcissist. Well, not in the way that we talk about it. So it's not that hearts are crazy and that heads are narcissists. We just kind to use those words because those are, I think, the words that everybody understands. And it's how we feel sometimes. Hearts feel like we're narcissists and we feel like our hearts are crazy. And so Beverly and I, I guess, have taken those on. Beverly mentions definitions and that's really where the three I love you's comes in because we can say things and mean different things, but it's really important to understand how our partner is defining things, how we're defining things so that we can have a conversation and mean the same thing. If you have different definitions Yeah. And it also matters, Randy already said this

SPEAKER_02 8:21

as well, that the tone and the expression. So what I've learned to do is really listen for the different way he says I love you. And then sometimes non-verbally, 80% of our communication is done. So I look at his facial expression or his eyes, so forth, and that really gives me a cue. I have to say for a while, the crazy I love you did set me back a little bit for a while because when he says that, I have to pause in my mind and say to myself, Why was that crazy, right? Because it's just so natural for me. I want to say, though, I have kind of the same thing for you, only different. So the way I do it differently is in the way that I say your name. I have three Randys.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

I think you know some of this. Some of it, yeah. Well, kind of. Randy's formal name is Randall, and I've known that since the beginning. And so when he's in trouble, it's Randall.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

Randall? If Beverly calls me Randall, It's a lot like my mom when she would use Randall. When they bust out Randall and your middle name, then you're really in trouble. You've done something where they're trying to draw your attention to your problem. So that's where I come in. Though I should say Beverly's daughter, my stepdaughter, she's delightful. She and I are tight. She will often call me Randall, and it's not in a hey, you're in trouble way. But Beverly uses Randall. I know there's a problem. So that one I am familiar

SPEAKER_02 10:02

with. And luckily in the 15 years, I've only said Randall Bryan just a handful.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

Yeah, very, very few times that you bust out the middle name.

SPEAKER_02 10:11

What's nice is when I say Randall, I don't even think about it. It just comes out because he is going down a very bad path. And when I say Randall, he knows it and he backs up pretty

SPEAKER_01 10:24

quick. He's going down a very bad path and all my head friends out there hear that and go, yes, let's keep going down the very bad path.

SPEAKER_02 10:34

It usually leads to conflict. So I don't know why you would go down that

SPEAKER_01 10:38

road. You try to head it off and I get more stubborn and bull my way down the Randall road. But anyways, okay. So Randall, yeah, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

Of course, I use the second one, which is your name, Randy. For a long time, I always called Randy, Randy, and I wanted a pet name because couples have pet names and I have pet names for my children. I was really trying to work on a pet name. Early on, Randy called me Boo, and it was very endearing. I loved it. So I wanted to match that and have a pet name for him. I

SPEAKER_01 11:10

still call her Boo. It just started early on.

SPEAKER_02 11:14

Yes. For Randy, I really just had trouble coming up with one. I'm not sure what that was about. However, in hindsight...

SPEAKER_01 11:21

Dumbass didn't stick at all. Hey, Dumbass. No, that one didn't. That was not a good pet name. I think I

SPEAKER_02 11:28

butt-hooked, maybe. occasionally, but dumbass is not one of the

SPEAKER_01 11:33

ones. Yeah. None of those seem to be very endearing,

SPEAKER_02 11:39

but people do love to hear their name and they're very responsive to it. In fact, they encourage couples to use each other's first name a lot. When we speak to each other, we tend to get into a habit of saying, Hey you, and it just doesn't have the same appeal.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

Names matter. We hear them so much. I mean, it's the, It's probably the one word that we've heard the most in our life. So names are important and they connect people.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

Yes, they make us feel special. And it really sends a message that, oh, they know me. So very important reasons to use that first name in a very natural way. So that brings me down to the third word, which is my endearing pet name. And that is really just babe. And it's not something that I thought about. I mean, I did think about it for a long time, but it just was natural. And when I started using it, it stuck. So Babe is really that affection name, that bond and closeness building name, and something that I use in a very meaningful way. And I hope Randy receives it that way. The problem with pet names, though, is that they tend to wane over time. And I'm kind of curious curious do you feel like our pet names have faded a bit over the years

SPEAKER_01 13:03

i don't know i think at some point you get to be that that old couple you forget their you forget their name no you that wasn't where i was going at all um i love you um that was totally off track now no i i think you get to be that old couple where it's cute you're the couple at the park that the young couple's Oh, I hope we're that much in love when we're when we're that age, you know, walking around shuffling about the park holding hands. And so I think sometimes those those endearing names kind of have nostalgic value. So I'm not sure that they wane. I think they can maybe they can change meaning, I guess. But I've never felt like Boo was waning. I still use it. It's not waning, Boo. It's sunny out. outside. Sorry. See what happens when you get me off track.

SPEAKER_02 14:04

What's interesting is pet names in the US, they say that about two-thirds of couples have pet names, so they are popular. Most couples have them. If you're not a pet name person, that's fine. You're not necessarily missing out. There are other ways to show affection in just maybe saying their real name. It's okay either way, but they did say out of those two-thirds that use pet names, more than half, almost like three-quarters are also happy couples, self-identified as happy. Not to say that it's a direct correlation, but good to know.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

So the rest of you out there are the hey you couples, I guess. I guess you're just saying hey you or using their name. Anyways, whatever you are, however you use pet names, however you say I love you in different ways, we'd love to hear from you It's kind of fun when you start a podcast. And we started Valentine's Day, 2025 Valentine's Day of this year, so only a couple months ago. It's really kind of fun to start to hear from people that are listening to the podcast. So thank you for those of you that have reached out. If you have a story, if you have a question, if you've got something you want to share about what's going on in your relationship and the way communication works or does not work, we absolutely would love to hear from you. So if you've got pet names or if you've had trouble even coming up with a pet name for your partner. You have challenges in that way. Let us know. These are the fun topics that we really kind of love to chat with people about. And we may have stuff wrong or you may do it different. And we'd love to know that. Info at heartandheadcoaching.com. Info at heartandheadcoaching.com. Drop us an email. We'd love to know that.

SPEAKER_02 15:53

Anything more you want to add today, Beverly? I guess the last thing I would say is what I love about pet names is that it's almost like a secret that we share. So if we're out shopping or at the beach and I hear you say boo, it's that kind of secret code for I love you in a lot of ways without saying I love you necessarily in public. Not that that's a bad thing, but just like how we are careful with PDAs in public, not us necessarily, but everybody in general is respectful about Public displays of affection for PDAs. I think the pet names give us that coverage as well, because when you call someone a pet name, people probably assume that it's a name, but they don't know. They don't know the backstory. They don't know exactly what that means. So it's kind of this cool little connection, kind of an intimate connection that we share that we're able to use anywhere. And it's accepted, but yet we can feel very close, even in a public place.

SPEAKER_01 16:59

Android. thought about that. And that is an interesting way to connect even in public. Today's takeaway, sit down with your partner, figure out how you use language, work on those definitions. How do you define love? How do you define relationships, success and connection and all of those things that happen in your relationship? And as you talk about those definitions, you'll start to see some of these nuances, even in your own conversations and ways you can tweak your conversation to be more helpful more useful and more connecting in your relationship. Thank you everybody for tuning in. It was great talking with you. We'll talk to you next Wednesday. Bye everybody.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.