Everybody Lies

In the words of the great philosopher, Dr. Gregory House, "Everybody lies." In relationships lies can erode away trust or create conflicts in values that do more harm than telling the truth. But is it okay to lie? Maybe just a white lie? Or to tell them their new shirt looks great? Or to fake it in bed? In this episode, Randy and Beverly explain why Hearts and Heads lie for different reasons. They also discuss how the values each partner builds when they're growing up determine how comfortable they are with dishonesty in their relationships. #lietome #housemd #HeartVersusHead #everybodylies

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_02: 0:20

Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the podcast. We're going to be talking about lying today.

SPEAKER_01: 0:27

Everybody

SPEAKER_02: 0:28

lies. in our own relationship. And we just, I think, have trained ourselves as a couple to talk about them in a way that's not mean or spiteful or hurtful. And so we're trying to both show that, maybe model that and demonstrate that. But we want to sometimes just pick topics that maybe you won't talk about or that you're worried to talk about or not going to talk about with your partner. And we want to kind of have those conversations about stuff. So sometimes it's just to get you maybe a topic to talk with your partner about.

SPEAKER_01: 1:32

Also, I think the topics we pick tend to be, I try to lean toward things that are more commonplace. And I think people can appreciate that because we all have everyday issues. Constantly in our relationships.

SPEAKER_02: 1:47

So let's talk about lying a little bit. You have to, I guess, let's define lying because it takes in a lot. There's the obvious lie lies that are out there. I did not sleep with that woman. I did not inhale. There's obvious lies that are just like, okay, that's not true. But where the relationships get into trouble is kind of those lies maybe on the other end of the spectrum that I think are white lies. And we talk about that some in the couple's rule book. But let's start on one end of the spectrum. You want the big lies or the little lies? Where should we start?

SPEAKER_01: 2:25

Well, the thing about the big lies is, If somebody is chronically always lying, then there is a deeper issue there. And we're not really talking about that today. That can be because of trauma or mental issues, or perhaps the relationship is literally on the brink of divorce. And so many, many deep lies are going back and forth. Today, your spectrum, though, yes, white lies down to two things that are more significant. So let's start with white lies. White

SPEAKER_02: 2:58

lies, little lies that people think are not hurtful and how sometimes they can be. I remember a couple that came to us years and years ago. I think the example is in the couple's rule book. One partner, she didn't like how her partner was doing her hair and her fashion. It had originally been an attractant, a draw for the two partners. But over time, the outlandish style of the other partner began to be a problem. And so this gets to the famous white lie that I think there are in so many relationships where somebody goes, hey, does this shirt look okay? Or am I gaining weight? Or all of these things that we hold back on. And I think we need to talk about some Something that distinguishes those lies. And that has to do with heart and head. Because I think we all probably, when somebody says, well, let me give you the example, I guess, with my ex-wife. If my ex-wife would say, do these pants make me look fat? My brain might immediately go to, no, your butt makes you look fat. The pants aren't helping. But that's because I'm a sarcastic kind of guy most of the time. what we say is, no, you look great or little things like that.

SPEAKER_01: 4:33

And you do that as a head because? I

SPEAKER_02: 4:36

believe that the head partner will lie to protect themselves or make their lives easier. So answering that way makes our life, my life in that scenario, easier because I don't have to deal with what may be saying, no, I don't like that. I don't like the new hair I don't like the way that is or that isn't. And that's really what that original couple that I mentioned kind of got into was once all the little white lies just kept getting held back and held back and held back and fashion and hairstyle became more and more and more and more crazy, then it was really, it became deep resentment in the relationship. So the little lies, even though they're designed to be nice, build up. But I do believe that heads do it to protect ourself or to make our lives easier. How do hearts white lie?

SPEAKER_01: 5:57

of White Lies were where she would notice inconsistencies where he might say, or she might say, well, where were you today? And he would say, oh, well, I went and bought the steaks for dinner. And then come to find out later, he maybe didn't buy the steaks or maybe he did, but he actually bought beer and a bunch of other things that maybe she had issue with. And it was an mission. Throughout their relationship, there were several ongoing white lies. And she had a real issue with that. And it really made the relationship feel unsafe or that she couldn't trust him, which is understandable. Then when talking with the heart, the heart really was protecting her. And that's what hearts tend to do is we tend to white lie when we want to protect our partner. Things like Oh, I mentioned the steaks, but I didn't mention the beer because that always seems to make her nervous or tense or roll her eyes. And so I just didn't want her to.

SPEAKER_02: 7:08

That's kind of the same way. I think sort of that heads, we come at it a little bit differently, but it's that same kind of thing. It makes my life easier if my partner's not upset. And so I don't do things to upset my partner. And I Heads do it more potentially as a management of life. We do care about the other person. I'm not saying heads don't care. It just feels that way most of the time to the heart. But I am saying that I think we do it just a little bit differently with kind of the same end result, hopefully, is that the partner doesn't feel hurt.

SPEAKER_01: 7:48

That comes up a lot with gifts. I notice with hearts where when someone that you care about gives you a gift, you don't like Yet they say, do you like it? And you say, yes, it's great. And only to find out later that it was not something.

SPEAKER_02: 8:05

Is that why you've regifted everything I've ever gotten you? Not true. You didn't need a vacuum cleaner and car parts that Christmas? Oh, I never did that. Okay. The couple that we were talking about that was on the mainland, and it reminds me so much in my first marriages ahead, how little white lies were kind of constant. I know when my ex and I were just starting out, young couple, baby, broke. We were broke all the time. And there came a point where my job, I kind of got into a professional job. And it required, in order to be tied into the people I needed to be tied into in the job, it required that every once in a while I go out to lunch. And I remember my ex would be like, don't do it. We don't spend the money. Here's your peanut butter and jelly, which was usually okay. But on the days where I would go out to lunch with the boys and sit and I'd always learn important things that were part of my job, on those days, I found myself just kind of going home and the question would inevitably come up, what'd you do for lunch? And I would say, oh, I just grabbed something out of the machine at work or I ate what I took for lunch. So I see why the white lies occur. For me as the head, it was to make my life easier. I didn't want to upset her because my life was easier when she was not upset.

SPEAKER_01: 9:32

I just want to know if you ate the peanut butter later. Did you have two lunches that day?

SPEAKER_02: 9:36

There's a possibility that I might have had two lunches. I

SPEAKER_01: 9:41

could see you doing that. It might not seem that different as to why hearts and heads do it. where someone will white lie because they don't want to appear weak, when many times if that person would just fess up and allow the vulnerability, the other partner would certainly understand that

SPEAKER_02: 10:27

and appreciate that. what we're protecting against is our own hurt. And we have to be honest about that hurt and how it triggers us. So honesty in your relationship really does require vulnerability. And I think that's why the white lies can be important. A long time ago, I think when we first started this podcast, we talked about it. We talked about it differently. We talked about couples bickering and how bickering, the little arguments, help when it comes to the big disagreement Because they teach you as a couple how to negotiate that. I think what white lies have taught me in my relationships is it's easier to tell the truth up front and just have the kind of relationship where that's safe. It's just so much less stress. to know that there is no, you know, there's no need to lie in my relationship. I can tell Beverly whatever crazy stuff is in my head, honestly. And I know that if it's stupid, she'll tell me it's stupid. And if it's hurtful, she'll tell me it's hurtful. And I'll try to learn and grow from that. But that's the relationship everybody wants, not the relationship everybody has.

SPEAKER_01: 11:59

The intent and context are everything. So when Randy tells me something, something that I may not be that enthused about, but it is the truth. I always hear him out and based on his logic or his way of looking at it, for the most part, it makes sense and I can let it go. I can feel okay about that. It might not have been the choice I would have made, but I understand it and I'm not going to drill you on it. There's no point in it. Those little things we can just let go. I think sometimes hearts are the one that might lie about everything's fine. Or, you know, this happens in bed. You hear it with sex where the heart partner will sometimes fake an orgasm or just act like everything was great and satisfied because they're worried about the other person and their ego and what might happen if they tell their

SPEAKER_02: 12:55

partner. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, I got to back up. Fake an orgasm? Is that a thing? No, I'm just, I'm Kidding. Sorry, I couldn't. Sure, those are great examples of white lies. But

SPEAKER_01: 13:11

those are okay.

UNKNOWN: 13:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 13:13

I don't think you want to.

SPEAKER_02: 13:43

Which is a very head-led thing to do. Maybe that's where head partners fake orgasms is where we go, okay, I can't, I don't have this time in me.

SPEAKER_01: 13:55

That's true.

SPEAKER_02: 13:57

So you're saying heart partners might fake an orgasm so that their partner feels better about themselves?

SPEAKER_01: 14:03

Yes.

SPEAKER_02: 14:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01: 14:04

Yeah, I'd say that obviously in the sexual part of a relationship, communication is very much needed. If you're not communicating in bed Chances are you're not having the sex life that you could have. And so if you're not talking in bed, there is a possibility that maybe someone is not as fulfilled or satisfied as maybe they could be. And it's not actually just sex. It's also feelings of loneliness or disconnect in a relationship. I know when we were writing the couple's rule book and I was learning about heads and hearts and wondering where Randy had gone in the relationship. I'm right here! But it could be a very lonely time because we don't understand it. And so really communication is key. You've got to speak up. You've got to say, hey, what's going on? And I think that if you just always say everything's fine and you're the martyr and you're going to just feel unsatisfied, I think that will eventually lead to a divorce. We've got to communicate about those things.

SPEAKER_02: 15:13

I think it certainly leads to resentment. You just go, oh, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's like you're waiting for your partner to screw up enough that it's not fine and you can finally say something with all the ways they've been running you over. Not helpful at all. So communication is the key. Talk it out up front.

SPEAKER_01: 15:32

Or it's like a job where someone's dissatisfied, but they don't speak up, but they'll just look for another job.

SPEAKER_02: 15:38

Are we quiet quitting our relationships? Some people. Some people. Yeah, maybe so.

SPEAKER_01: 15:44

What's the other end of the spectrum? The big bad lies?

SPEAKER_02: 15:48

The big bad lies? Those are just the lies that'll kill a relationship super fast because once the big bad lies are discovered, it's too difficult sometimes to get that trust back. The big lies are just the big lies. And I think everybody makes the big lie to protect themselves. I think the lies to protect other people are generally smaller lies. But maybe I'm wrong. Do we make big lies to protect other people? Do hearts lie about an affair to keep from hurting their partner? A

SPEAKER_01: 16:24

lot of times when a heart has an affair, they may tell themselves or get the advice from a helping friend to not tell your partner because it will just hurt them. And that definitely appeals to a heart. We might go along with that for a while, but I've got to say for a lot of hearts that will destroy you. We have to be upfront about that because sex for hearts is such an emotional experience as well that we can't make that work in our head. We can't be kind of a liar, I guess, which really boils down to something I want to talk about. We always give tips for the podcast. And I guess one of the things that will help with any lies in a relationship would be to really look at values. People who come in with white lies, it is so common for one partner to say, this is not cool. We're here because of this white lie. And the other partner to say, I don't see what the problem is. We did that growing up all the time. And this value is the big elephant in the room, the thing that we have to talk about and to really dig deep and figure out how each person got that value, what it means to them, and then find some space where we can work around or we can agree to disagree or we can compromise at some level. Sometimes those values are non-negotiables. Sometimes couples need to talk about if there is is infidelity, even emotional, then that person may say, I've got to know that. You've got to be honest. You've got to tell me. Now that may mean a consequence. That may mean the relationship's over. At the same time, I think we have to set some of these boundaries and have some of these conversations. Because while we can't control if somebody's going to lie to us, we can certainly let them know up front the boundary and what we would do about that. So for example, I know in our relationship early on, we talked a little bit about affairs and because a second marriage and so forth for each of us, we did talk about a boundary of what would happen. And you always said to me that if I ever had an affair, we were done.

SPEAKER_02: 18:48

Yeah, that's how heads think about it, I think.

SPEAKER_01: 18:52

I

SPEAKER_02: 18:52

think. I think we just draw a line and that line isn't always in the same place for every head. We've been together long enough that I recognize that maybe some of those lines change. They

SPEAKER_01: 19:04

become gray.

SPEAKER_02: 19:05

Yeah. Yeah. I probably did say that when we were early on or when we were dating because that was what I thought. I don't think I think it that way anymore, but that's just maybe the longevity of the relationship.

SPEAKER_01: 19:18

I guess in closure, what I want it to be known is having a conversation around lies and values is so important in a relationship. Even if you disagree and you come about it differently, it's good to have that conversation, that understanding around your own value and your partner's value and where the disconnect is. What's most important is to make sure that each person realizes they have a part to play, even in lying. If someone is lying in your relationship, you feel like it's just them. A lot of couples will come in and point the finger. My partner lies and ready to give all the examples.

SPEAKER_02: 19:58

Yeah, and it's always, well, do you Give them a safe space to be honest, because it's scary and vulnerable to be honest. And so we have to understand that we have to be honest with our partner. We have to understand that our partner should be honest with us. But we've also both got an obligation to create the safe space that allows those conversations to occur. So go have a conversation with your partner. All right, everybody, have a great week. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks

SPEAKER_00: 20:35

for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.