Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples communicate again and fight better.
Heart Versus Head
You Were a Better Boyfriend
Remember that episode about The Moment a few weeks ago? Well, Beverly had a moment too. This time around, you'll see why Beverly told Randy that he was a better boyfriend than a husband... and figure out how that happens in a relationship. If you ever felt like the amazing person you dated, became the less than stellar person you got stuck with... this one is for you. #HeartVersusHead
Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02:Heart vs. Head. So a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about something we talked about, the moment. It's the moment in a relationship where your partner lets you down, that moment when you realize this person can hurt me like all the other people did. We talked about my moment. We talked about Nicholas Sparks. But today, we're going to talk about something different. We're going to talk about kind of Beverly's moment. Beverly, when was the moment for you, maybe in our relationship, where you knew I could let you down just like everybody else?
SPEAKER_01:It had to do with some parenting advice that you were giving as you were transitioning into moving in with me. We got married in June and with a job change and geography difference of four hours, you eventually moved in, but it was a bit of a lag there. So we had probably nine or 10 months where we were more of a long distance relationship, more of that boyfriend friend type relationship role. And then when you moved in, and I think that's when we started to settle in. And that's when the first thing was this relationship advice. And I do remember the conversation. But more importantly, once I saw that Randy could let me down, it changed a lot of things. One of the things that changed was I started looking for more evidence of him letting me down. And of course, what you go looking for, you're going to find. And there were things like once he moved in, we weren't spending every night, hours and hours together. When we were long distance, we'd get on the phone for three or four hours at night, have these wonderful conversations. All the connection that a heart could ever want was there in that long distance relationship.
SPEAKER_02:And then in true head fashion, like a good head partner, my attention turned to all the other stuff. It's what it does. We just start paying attention to all the other stuff in life. And it's not that we don't love our partner. It's not that we don't think about them. It's just kind of how our brain works. When that part of our life seems stable and good, we're idiots. We're off paying attention to other stuff. And we're not even... aware of it. Let me ask you a question, Beverly, because it probably matters. The parenting advice I gave you, was it terrible? No. So was it completely wrong?
SPEAKER_01:No, not at all. I would say you were probably spot on. It always helps to have an outside opinion. And I do value your parenting skills. I value way that you look at things so differently than I do, that head perspective, seeing as I had been a single mom for 13 years, but prior to you and I getting married, I can look back now and see where this is why kids really do need two parents. Unfortunately, my first husband, just for listeners, he and I divorced in because of his alcoholism, and then he died in 2019. So he just was not able to fulfill his parenting duties.
SPEAKER_02:I just had to point out, I wanted to point out that you can- You were right. No, I was. Okay. Of course. Good enough.
SPEAKER_01:Sure had. I was
SPEAKER_02:right. However, I want to point out that- Was it worth it? You can be right, and you should just shut up. Yeah. And that's a tough thing for heads because we're always trying to be right. But being right is not always helpful to your relationship.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it took me probably three or four years to realize that you were right. You were going to let me down eventually. We know that. Oh, sure.
SPEAKER_02:Sure. That's especially me.
SPEAKER_01:I'm not singling you out. I'm saying all people will hurt and let down others. Other people.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, in the big picture, I understand that. I was just saying, you know, you're not singling me out. Are there others? Do you have other husbands that need to be? Wait a second. No. Single me out. I should be the only one. But no, I know what you're talking about. No, I'm saying I
SPEAKER_01:have other people I care about that let me down. You know, when this happened and then it set me down a road of looking for all the ways that you were letting me down. And then that's what ended up in probably a couple of months later when Randy and I are having some discussion or talk. And I end up with the famous line, you were a better boyfriend.
SPEAKER_02:You were a better boyfriend.
SPEAKER_01:So hearts sometimes don't have that filter. We're coming from an emotional trigger. Sometimes. It's not our best moment, but great podcast material, I'll say.
SPEAKER_02:14 years later, 15 years later, it's funny. You know, sometimes when you're going right through it, it's not. A lot of the things in your relationship that you argue and fight about now will be things that you will laugh about in 20 years, just so you know. The
SPEAKER_01:thing about you being a better boyfriend, if you think about it during that six to nine months before you moved in, and that's really where that transition happens in relationships is once we become official, maybe we're moving in together or getting married, and that's when those roles begin to change. And what we always tell our clients is that phase one of a relationship, the dating phase, is that cocaine, drug-feeling, endorphin-laden phase. And so we're both two hearts and we just have this amazing relationship because neither of us is using our frontal
SPEAKER_02:lobe. When you find your person and you're just in the flow and everything's wonderful, it seems so great, then there's the moment. There's the moment where that person does something and we go, oh my gosh, it's because they don't love me or they don't care about me or maybe I thought they loved me more than they loved me. I don't know what all goes on in everybody's heads. Oh,
SPEAKER_01:we think they're different. Oh, this person will never let us down. They've got my back. We've made plans together, dreams together, and we are just shocked when that comes around. We shouldn't have
SPEAKER_02:plans together and the dreams together. I think some of that is just bullshit that our head makes up. It's not even that. It's like we didn't disappoint the plans and dreams we had together. We disappointed the You know, the fantasy, we disappointed the even the movie version of what our relationship supposed to be like. And when suddenly we're not that person as the head partner, the heart partners hurt. And it leads to a lot of these kind of inner resentments and all of those things that they can really build and develop over time. If you're not aware of these moments, if you don't catch them, they just they do damage. They do damage because they damage. us individually as our brain sits and tries to figure out what the hell is wrong with us that people can't love us or what's wrong with us that we picked the wrong partner there's all kinds of messages that just kind of automatically run in our head when we have these experiences and we're not wrong it's just if we're not aware of it and we're not talking about it it doesn't resolve and it sits there and festers and festers and festers and then out Out of our mouth comes the thing, you were a better boyfriend. And I probably was a better boyfriend. See, there's truth. Yeah, no, I was a better boyfriend, absolutely.
SPEAKER_01:I got flowers all the time and we would communicate more and connect more. We cooked dinner every night together. There were so many wonderful connection points. And then as Randy got back into his career focus and the relationship was going so smoothly, he put his focus toward other things. And that's when I felt like he abandoned me. He was just gone and somewhat rejected and something must be wrong. And I started putting on my detective hat and looking for where's the problem.
SPEAKER_02:Looking for where's the problem. And that's really the challenge because- there maybe wasn't a problem.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, but even then I'm looking for the drug. I'm looking for the cocaine.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, we're looking for the high of the love because it's awesome. It's that connection. It's that deep connection. It's that feeling that we get that makes us like it so much. It's just that hearts love the feeling so much and heads do this thing where we think we've got to maintain that feeling in all the areas of our life. So we're kind of looking across it broadly going, okay, I need my job to make me feel that way. I need my friends to make me feel that way. I need to kick butt at my My hobbies to make me feel that way. I need my partner to make me feel that way. That wonderful, good, I am doing well feeling that we get when we're good in the relationship. When we're a good boyfriend, we get that feeling. And that's kind of what our feeling is. This is a feeling of success. I don't think it's that heads are seeking love like hearts are. I think it's that heads are seeking that good feeling of, yay, I made that person happy. I made that person love. I let them feel love. I made them love me. I love them. I am successful as a person. I have managed and found love.
SPEAKER_01:I guess where I wanted to discuss is so many clients come in, so many hearts, and They're dragging in their partner. And the reason is they're looking for that drug, that high that we had in the beginning. And everyone's trying to recreate that. And I'm amazed at how much time and effort and money couples will spend, usually before they get to us, because they've done counseling or counseling. some form of therapy for potentially years, trying to sort out all the problems so that they can get back to that bliss that they felt in the beginning. The problem is that you're not going to recreate that. That is a dating thing and we're not going to get that. In fact, I was doing a little research and What happens, I think, with dating is at some level, let's face it, we're all trying to win our partner's affection or approval. We're trying to impress them.
SPEAKER_02:Well, sure. We're trying to, whether you go with the biological of we're trying to breed and continue the species, or we're trying to impress them so we have a person and we have a relationship and our mom and dad are happier. There can be a million different reasons for why we're trying to impress that person. And then comes the time we win. We go, okay, I got the person, and now I don't have to do that as much. I don't have to– I don't have to do as much. And it's not right. And it's not the best way for relationships. But darn it, it is how we feel and experience it and what our brain does to us when we're in it. So it's not that the head partner is intentionally moving away from the heart partner. I don't think. I never felt that way. I never, ever, ever, ever felt like I loved you less than
SPEAKER_01:No, you probably loved me more because we had that constant... stable relationship. And so for the head, they're very happy that we've reached this place of, isn't this great, where everything was running so smoothly, and we're so happy, and I'm free to focus on these other parts of my life. And the heart is sitting there going, no, no, no, no, no, no, everything is not great. This is a disaster. And that is exactly what hearts say to me when they come in. They say, we're about to break up. And the head is like, what?
SPEAKER_02:We're kind of oblivious to it because for us, it's just a feel that everything's going okay. Life is right. Oh, yay. We got married. We moved in together. We're celebrating that. And gosh, do I enjoy the evenings and getting to spend time with you and not having the pressure of all the other stuff that was going on. And I need to turn my attention to work because now I've taken on a responsibility of this wonderful woman that I love very much and her kids and a house. The brain starts thinking about all these things we have to do because we're heads over here being doers. There's all these things we have to do and that gets in the way and it messes us up. Neither of us is right or wrong, but you darn well need to be aware of it. Because heads do need to do a better job of making sure that the connection is there, that we're maintaining that, that we're taking care of that, that we are always, always, always, always keeping our partner as a priority. But it's going to wane. It's going to fade. You're going to be a better boyfriend.
SPEAKER_01:One of the differences that we write about in the couple's rulebook is that that heads have that more future focus and hearts are very much in the present. Randy and I noticed that because Randy At one point, I had shared a dream of living in a house on the lake and being able to... Ah, the
SPEAKER_02:lake house story.
SPEAKER_01:Being able to just hang out together. Again, it's a very connection-ridden story because that's what a heart talks about and dreams about.
SPEAKER_02:Love the lake house.
SPEAKER_01:And so once this dream... is in Randy's head. Then the weeks, months, and years after, I look over and I'm sitting in silence on the couch, bored, lonely, looking over, asking Randy, what are you doing? What's on the computer that's so interesting? And he's like, I'm looking at lake houses so proudly. And all I say to Bakht is, all I can think of is, you know what, there's not going to be a lake house because if you don't put your computer down and look into my eyes and spend some time with me in the present, There will be no future.
SPEAKER_02:There is no lake house. The interesting thing is a lake house never really my goal. I'm not the water guy. I don't need to be around the water, see the water, hang out in the water, play in the water, know that the water exists. The guy that lives in Hawaii. I've learned to be a water guy. I learned to love the idea of the lake house from you. Mm-hmm. It's the idea of all of it, the idea of water. You're the water girl. And so I learned that. And I took that dream and I headed it all up, you know, bring it inside and go, okay, she wants this dream. If I can fulfill her dream, I'm her guy.
SPEAKER_01:Make a list.
SPEAKER_02:Right. Make a list. And that's what heads do. We're making that list. We're going, okay, I got to do this. I got to do this. I got to do this. And I got to buy a lake house. Heads are doers. It's what we think we're supposed to do because we think the doing makes our heart partner happy. And that's where we get it wrong. It is the connection that makes the heart partner happy. Heads, you're doing it wrong. You're working too hard. We're working too hard on it. We're doing all this stuff trying to make this person, our heart partner, happy. And we're doing it wrong. We're putting all our energy into the wrong stuff. Stay with the connection. Stay with the love. Because that's what really matters in the long run anyways. It's what you've got to maintain. Because when the two of you are a team, you're going to achieve the lake house. You're going to achieve the good parenting. You're going to achieve all the things you need to achieve. You're going to have the opportunity to be right. when you can make sure that your partner feels loved. Because they're going to let you be loved. Hearts, if they feel loved, they'll let you be right all the time. So it's easier to even get the things you want, the ego boosts you want, the recognition, the respect, everything you want. It's all right there for you, heads, if you can figure out, how do I keep this love strong? Because a heart is powered by it. And when Beverly's happy, life is easy. And the trick is it's not about doing all this stuff, the list, to keep her happy.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah. In fact, okay, so time for a metaphor.
SPEAKER_02:She even pauses now when she drops metaphors. She's like, okay, let me explain it this way, but I'll pause so Randy can say something different. funny because my metaphors are... She wants me to say something kind of goofy, so it kind of lightens your expectation as a listener of her metaphor. But
SPEAKER_01:anyways... You always make fun of my metaphors. I just wait for it.
SPEAKER_02:Some of them are good.
SPEAKER_01:They're all good. Okay. So it's kind of like a garden. So if you're out, you plant seeds, you're maybe growing vegetables, flowers, whatever kind of garden you want. Maybe it's just a spice garden.
UNKNOWN:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:And you go out, you invest all this time and energy, put the seats down and water them and so forth. But when somebody puts all of that interest and energy and expense into planting the seed and so forth. But then they get busy and they forget to come out and tend to the weeds or make sure that the plant is growing in the right conditions. Maybe it needs fertilizer, maybe it needs a little more water, whatever that is. If you just plant it and then walk away, it's possible that those plants aren't going to do well. And I equate that to what happens in dating is that We find that our partner is someone that's more curious and interested in us, someone who puts a lot of time and attention into us. And what happens in relationships is when you put your focus somewhere else, then you're no longer really investing in our relationship. And that's where I think the shift happens and things go bad. I get it. Plants, you can throw a seed in Hawaii and it'll pretty much grow no matter what.
SPEAKER_02:Well, it will also attract giant jeweled beetles that lay larvae the size of your thumb. So, you know, there is that. But anyways, I love the garden metaphor.
SPEAKER_01:So plants anywhere really do need time and attention. You wouldn't just set it and leave it and forget about it. And that's how it feels to a heart. This podcast can come across as being somewhat hard on heads, and that is not my intent. Heads and hearts make... great relationships. If I were to offer just a bit of advice, I would say once that phase of dating is coming to a close and now we're settling into what is sustainable in the relationship. I think each partner needs to recognize the shift is actually very positive. It does mean that your relationship is very stable. We can't maintain that dating high that we talk about. If we understand that the relationship isn't heading into a disaster, it's just going through a normal shift, I think everybody will settle down a bit. The heart will stop being such a detective and won't be seeking to fix this or to solve it. Also, I think for heads, if you can remember the garden idea, that it's good if you can continue to invest in the intimacy, the connection with your partner and And just both of you kind of working together, communicating, and knowing that as the love is maturing, that it does need tending, but it can also be something even more amazing than what it was during dating. It doesn't have to be as boring as settling in, but it can be a little bit of both. And we'll talk about that in a later podcast.
SPEAKER_02:For hearts, recognize that it's not an intentional thing. It's not an on purpose thing. You got to watch for the shift, recognize the shift when it occurs, recognize when you see that going on, because if you can both recognize it, heads can do a better job of making sure that they're taking care of the garden, taking care of love, taking care of the relationship and maintaining that. And hearts can be mindful that it's not personal. It's not personal. I never, ever, ever moved away from Beverly emotionally it just felt that way and it was never ever ever anything I wanted her to feel That's it for this week on the podcast. Talk about it amongst yourselves. We look forward to talking to you all very, very soon. If you're new to Heart vs. Head, go check out some of the past episodes. There's a ton of stuff. Talk about these things with your partner. It will change everything. Thanks, everybody. We'll talk to you soon.
SPEAKER_01:And Randy,
SPEAKER_02:I love you. I love you
SPEAKER_01:too,
SPEAKER_02:baby.
UNKNOWN:I love you, too.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.
