Wanna be happy? Or Right?

In this episode Randy and Beverly explore the ways that Hearts and Heads use conversations for different purposes and how that can lead to trouble in a relationship, especially when you both think you're right. So grab your partner - nicely - and learn another way that Hearts and Heads end up messing up communication. 

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randi Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_02: 0:21

Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the podcast Heart vs. Head. We are talking about communication and why it's so darn hard for hearts and heads to communicate. And we had a client back east and we were talking with them and this is probably, I don't know, a few months back, but Beverly, they brought up an interesting situation and it prompted a conversation this week as you and I were talking about it. So we thought this would make a really interesting topic for the podcast. tell that story

SPEAKER_01: 0:54

so in a nutshell she was upset she being the heart because her husband was on the homeowners association board at the condo complex or housing development I'm not sure and basically there had been an incident with one of the neighbors and the husband had sided with the neighbor and not with his wife and I I don't remember what the argument was, what the

SPEAKER_02: 1:26

dispute was. What goes on?

SPEAKER_01: 1:53

The thing about hearts is we're so driven. We care about people. We make decisions around people. That is, in essence, the definition difference is how we make decisions. So hearts are driven by their own internal values, their own empathy, their desire for harmony. And it's not always going to matter what the external outcome is. We would rather have the people all be getting along So I think with hearts is we just communicate to bond and to connect with one another. And so when our partner makes a choice, kind of following that head perspective, it's going to cause a problem in the relationship.

SPEAKER_02: 2:47

The heart communication, as Beverly has said, is about connecting with one another. It's about building relationship with that other person. Heads do it a little bit differently. The head partner in a relationship will typically communicate to solve problems, to fix or to inform, to trade information with another person. So I think heads do it differently. And you can see this. in other parts of communication, heads tend to be very direct. We will communicate right and wrong. And this gets to the homeowner's argument. The head partner was right on the facts. On the facts of the argument, the head partner was right. The problem was what the head partner didn't realize. Here's the secret, heads. What the head partner didn't realize is He probably would rather be happy, right? Because there's a moment where you've got to decide in your relationship, especially as the head partner, do I want to be right?

UNKNOWN: 4:04

Right?

SPEAKER_02: 4:04

Or do I just want to be happy? Do I want to be able to get along? So heads communicate in that way. We're just very direct. We are very legalistic in communication, very direct in communication. And it feels bad to heart

SPEAKER_01: 4:28

partners. And basically, they're treating people more equally. Whereas a heart, we just do it different. We're there to care about people, have that empathy, that compassion, that connection. Hearts are more driven by the people and making sure everyone's okay at the end of the day. If a heart, if the woman in this scenario had to solve the problem with the neighbor, she would have gone over and talked with the neighbor and connected more and told them, oh, I understand how that feels. That must suck. And really, with that bond, probably would have handled it and resolved it. It's just it would have been done differently.

SPEAKER_02: 5:42

Sure. And the head couldn't get over being right and still being in trouble for it and desperately clung to the rightness of his argument. That's why they couldn't get resolution on it. I remember he said, Randy, why are they so crazy? Why is it this way? It's completely irrational. I'm right. This is the argument and here's the facts and I'm right. And why is she being so irrational? And it really, for a head in the world of right, wrong, black, white, everything is this way. It doesn't make sense a lot of times that hearts will do that. You have to understand your partner and you have to understand that in the long run, you got to give up the right to be right because it's not that important. You'd rather get along with your person. And heads, we suck at that. We're just terrible at it because I think most heads hang on to, no, that's the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. The neighbor's right in this situation. I read the bylaws. I read the standards. off the neighbor did this and neighbor did that neighbor's right wife was wrong it's a real clean line in the brain of a head, but you don't live in your brain. You live in your house with your partner.

SPEAKER_01: 7:57

Who has a heart. Who has a heart.

SPEAKER_02: 7:59

Different. It's just, it is. It's very, very different. And it's not always rational. When you can understand it from that approach, when you can understand that your partner is taking their approach because of the way that they make decisions, then I think you're able to have better conversations because now as I've learned if Beverly walks into a room and goes I'm having a bad day and this is why I don't do what I would do if I felt like I was having a bad day if I felt like I was having a bad day I start doing the thing in my head where I'm like well why was that person mean why was that person angry why was that person that way and start trying to figure it all out and all those things So when Beverly comes to me and says she's having a bad day, the natural tendency for me is to start to figure that out. And I'll start to ask Beverly, well, maybe that person meant this. Or, well, did they do it this way? Or maybe it's because they... whatever. And it doesn't matter. Because in that moment, when Beverly comes in the door... And she's had a bad day. And I go, well, maybe that other person was having a bad day. I'm taking their side. And it's a bad idea and it never works out well for us heads if we do it that way. I will say, okay, stop. This is why. And explain it and stand my ground and fight for what I believe in when it's important. What's changed in my world is the definition of when it's important. Man, things aren't that important. When it comes up against being in love and being in a relationship and not having the stress and the pressure of all the other crap in my life, being right just moved down the list. And it isn't that I don't stand up for things. So I think heads look at it a little bit differently. But I also think that most of the heads should be rational enough to understand when they truly step back and go, do I want to be right or do I just want to be happy? You want to be happy. It matters more. Being right is just not that important in most situations.

SPEAKER_01: 10:49

And the problem with it is that in those examples that you gave, usually the head just jumps in and starts telling the heart why that's wrong or to solve that problem for them. And all of that just comes across as uncaring, as robotic, as narcissistic. That's where a lot of these labels come from. And we start throwing around these labels where not even true. It's just our partner makes decisions differently and looks at things differently, and we don't always understand that. And so when they're not like us, when they aren't caring and putting people first, then we think, oh, well, they must be the opposite of that. It must be the uncaring robot. There was another thing that happened with that couple that I want to point out, a second learning there, which was she was upset for, number one, that he didn't see it her way. And the second thing, though, was when her husband chose to back the neighbor, he was being so kind to her. And that kindness was viewed as, oh, why is he being so kind to the neighbor? He must be manipulating her or doing it for his ego, male ego needs an ego stroke. But what we had to really break down and explain to this couple is that heads are sometimes doing things because they just align with goals or principles. If they're going after a principle, it's this kind of fairness or kind of black and white thinking. Maybe he was trying to treat everyone equally, or maybe he was being nice because he's on the board, he wants to get reelected. But with heads, there's always a goal. There's always usually some reason, some strategic reasoning behind

SPEAKER_02: 12:54

it. or the problem, whatever it was with the neighbor, it's entirely possible that the head looked at that situation and went, well, if I go this way, it helps me over here with this other thing. So if the neighbor wins this, then we can deal with this other thing in a different way, or it gives us leverage, or I need the neighbor to do a better job of shoveling their snow or something like that. And if I give them this then they'll be more likely to do that so then the niceness comes in potentially just as part of that process of solving not just the one problem but solving other problems potentially

SPEAKER_01: 14:00

prevention for down the road we had to explain really to the heart how it's different for heads and hearts and that the meaning isn't he was being nice to her because he had feelings for her or was in secretly in love with her or any of those type of motives, that really there could be all these other reasons for why he was being nice to that person. And then we also explained a lot of times with hearts, the reason that we feel compelled to be nice is mostly because we're emotionally attuned to other people's feelings. And sometimes we even internalize other people's emotional states. We tend to if someone is stressed, we might feel stressed. And it's that empathy and kindness that causes us to be nice. So it's more of an intrinsic reason why hearts can really care about people and really feel what they're feeling. And so therefore, our kindness is more from an intrinsic versus heads come from that more external. Whether it's principle, fairness, efficiency, or reasoning.

SPEAKER_02: 15:18

Strategy. And a lot of times it's viewed as manipulation when the head is doing it. Manipulation, though, would involve probably some intent. And a lot of times heads aren't even using it with intention. It's just the way we think. It's not that we intend to manipulate a person. We're just trying to get to the goal.

SPEAKER_01: 15:43

Well. Well, and again, it could be based around fairness, justice, structure. There are a lot of reasons why thinkers might have that motive. And they, for the most part, are morally sound, you know, strong reasons for that niceness. So we really need to take a moment when things are going on in the relationship. We need to try to understand what's happening, ask more questions, less accusations, and when we really listen to our partner, realizing that they're not the same as us, then we can actually get to the real reason behind what's going on, understand it, and communicate about that.

SPEAKER_02: 16:27

Beverly, you are absolutely right. I don't need to be right, not even on this. That's the podcast for today, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in, and we will talk to you soon. Go talk to your partner and Take this head and heart stuff into account and recognize how it changes how you do what you do.

UNKNOWN: 16:56

I love it.

SPEAKER_00: 16:59

Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.