Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples communicate again and fight better.
Heart Versus Head
Are You Checking Her Out?
In this episode, Randy and Beverly talk about men checking out other women - from a glance at the cute girl at the mall to the bit too long look at the girls on the beach. Sexual attraction may be biological but it's a dangerous minefield in a committed relationship. If you've ever asked your man, "are you checking her out?" ... then this one is for you. Can your relationship handle the difficult conversation of when a look goes from simple biological response to inappropriate?
Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randi Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01:Hey, it's Randi and Beverly and welcome to our podcast. Today's theme is going to revolve around men and Checking out other women.
SPEAKER_02:Today's theme is going to revolve around seeing if Randy can make it through this podcast without saying something totally inappropriate because it has to do with men. Checking out women.
SPEAKER_01:the men were getting in trouble for looking. Men,
SPEAKER_02:your eyes are wandering, your partner is noticing, and it's getting you in trouble. Yes.
SPEAKER_01:And it was interesting because a lot of men... just didn't really think it was a deal. I don't know if it's something culturally, people just expect men to look or if we just excuse their biology. I don't know exactly why all these men thought that it was very innocent and not a big deal, but the women were not having it.
SPEAKER_02:Because women are attractive and that's part of why we look. You can't get past the biology of it. Ultimately, biologically, men are going to be more visual because of the need to breed, just going to notice women. I get that we've overcome our biology in a lot of ways.
SPEAKER_01:Right. You're not urinating on trees anymore, thank God.
SPEAKER_02:Still know how.
SPEAKER_01:If
SPEAKER_02:we go camping, I'm still capable of it.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, but you know that it's not socially acceptable to pee on trees in public.
SPEAKER_02:We do control our biology in a lot of ways, and undoubtedly men need to be more aware, emotionally aware of their biology because it affects, I think it affects, and maybe this is where it kind of does delve into heart versus head a bit because the biology is kind of a men versus women and the way we view other partners. But the impact that it has on our partner can certainly be a heart or a head challenge because hearts are seeking connection, especially intimate connection. And so When a heart female notices that maybe that male head partner is checking out the waitress, does the heart female—you can help with this, Beverly, because you are one—does the heart female believe that we're checking them out because we want to be in a relationship with them? I
SPEAKER_01:would say it—and I'm not— Thank you so much. At any level, we're going to feel anxious about just the relationship in general. I think it lowers our opinion of our partner, and it's kind of that idea of, wow, all men are really pigs, and the one I'm dating is no exception.
SPEAKER_02:Which may be true, but it's not intentional pigs. It is with some guys, but... It's not 100% intentional pigs. Sometimes it's biological pigs. Our brain just doesn't help us out. What we're talking about is more the incidental glance, the hot chick at the mall, the waitress that's kind of cute versus things like pornography or things like that. We'll probably talk about pornography in another podcast because, you know, why not? It's this incidental just glance. And guys, when we do it, we set our partner off because they notice. Because their mind goes to comparison, it's just making them feel less than.
SPEAKER_01:Well, it's not always comparison, but... That is still a true statement if it is a comparison. I think at any level, we feel less secure in the relationship. And I think that when our guide does that, for example, let's say that we're on a date. We could even be holding hands and there's a person the other direction, super cute. You're looking and I happen to notice you're looking. So I look, I see what you're seeing. And it's going to be human nature, no matter how confident I am. And I really have done so much work on myself. I'm a very confident person about myself. Even just that example, it will almost ruin my night. It'll be like, oh, wow, here we go. Great. Thanks. It would be like if we're, same example, we're at the mall holding hands, we're going to go eat somewhere, and we're having a great time. And then all of a sudden I say something that's criticism to you.
SPEAKER_02:You have to think about it. To say it, I'm not sure that dudes have to think about it to look.
SPEAKER_01:Right. It's a very misunderstood thing, and I get that. It You're making it sound like it's so innocent that it's unfair. Well,
SPEAKER_02:the glance is innocent. The continue to stare is where it gets into a problem. And a lot of guys have that challenge of looking long enough that their partner notices and their partner notices that the glances may be held.
SPEAKER_01:I noticed that I've checked out men before. What's interesting is we do actually scan virtually, visually, excuse me, scan men, but we do it in a different way. First of all, we're very stealth with it. We very rarely get... caught by our partner. Secondly, the reason that we're doing it is perhaps attraction, but more importantly, we're actually noticing things like their status, their connection, noticing perhaps power or security. I think a lot of times for women, we can't help but notice a guy, for If he's attractive, successful, he's that whole package.
SPEAKER_02:Every girl's crazy about a sharp-dressed man, but according to the great philosopher Billy Gibbons. However, is it different? Is it different when a woman does it than when a man does it? Because I would say it's more damaging to the relationship when a woman does it because the woman is looking at a potential partner. relationship, mate. The man is looking at a temporary biological physical fling that has no meaning other than a temporary physical biological fling. Now, I'm not trying to excuse the behavior. I'm just saying you have to be able to have these conversations in your relationship where Because it's important for the female partner to understand sometimes this isn't about anything more than our brain goes, oh, that's shiny and looks. So I'm not trying to excuse the behavior. Guys do better. I have to do better. I think we all have to do better. Just don't continue to screw it up. So guys do need to do better. And I'm not trying to excuse this. But is it worse? When women look because they're looking for an alternative or a potential relationship mate instead of just a sexual mate?
SPEAKER_01:You're pawning it off as, oh, you know, men are just looking their biology. And the studies show that. And these are studies, eye tracking studies, functional MRI scans, revealing what's going on when women are looking. So what they've said is men are more visual and reflexive and women are more contextual and behavior focused. So men are looking for fertility indicators when Randy says, oh, she's attractive. You know, attraction is subjective. So I think what he's really saying is it's that fertility mate kind of thing that a man Okay.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, so fair enough. Then, you know, we can't all use the biology excuse. Ultimately, it breaks the personal connection in the moment with our partner. And just for that disrespect, we probably should do better to stay in the moment.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:This is really tricky and hard to even talk about. I love you. I am attracted to you. I have no desire nor energy for anything else. But this is a tricky conversation. Even for us, we're experts in tricky conversations. This is a tricky conversation to have because if you get beyond, oh, it's just biology and you get into, why do we look? Then you get into all the Well, I
SPEAKER_01:think I'm fine with saying that it's biology for women and men. That's why we do it. And in fact, one of the studies talked about how they think what happened with women is because women were held back for so long, women learned to do glances very quickly and to, you know, make sure that we were more stealth. So I think women have had more practice with controlling our biology in this regard. And I think the reason men haven't done the same thing is men have gotten in trouble for this forever, but I think it's more socially accepted for men. I think that excuse about your biology isn't serving men very well because men If you would get in trouble and then you didn't have the excuse, you would do better. Maybe you would learn quicker glances, be more stealth, and then you wouldn't get in trouble.
SPEAKER_02:Well, the biology excuse, certainly, I think you're right, has made it easier for men to go, oh, it's just my biology, so we don't have to correct it. I can't help it. Well... Yes, you can. Study show. Yeah, you can. And awareness is the biggest way to do it. And I'm going to talk about something that Beverly and I were talking about a little bit, and I wasn't sure if we were going to talk about it. When men notice a woman, and I always thought, and maybe wrongly so, Beverly, I always thought, especially when a woman is suggestively dressed up, I hate this example because I am not saying that women want this attention, but I think when the woman is suggestively dressing, the male brain goes, oh, they want me to look. That leads real quickly down the path to, oh, they want me to do whatever. And that's not true. That's a horrible excuse.
SPEAKER_01:No. No. Now, if I'm going on a date, I will perhaps dress what I view as a bit sexier, but I'm doing it more because I want to feel sexy for a date, for a purpose, perhaps, that day. Somebody may or may not notice that I dressed a certain way because my subjective way of looking at myself is my own. However, I might just wear... shorts and a shirt to the mall and somebody be like, oh, she's dressing suggestively. And no, I'm not. And no, I'm not trying to get any attention. And I say this because over the years, my first husband did tell me that the reason... I always said, I don't know why people always seem to notice me and check me out everywhere I go. And my first husband said, well, it's because you're beautiful and you have a great body. And once he told me that...
SPEAKER_02:Which remains true, by the way. You are beautiful and have a great body.
SPEAKER_01:Well, thank you. But after hearing that, then it was really disgusting to see all these people checking me out because then I knew... what they were doing. You know, originally I was giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they were looking at me. I actually thought I was special or I thought it had
SPEAKER_02:more to do
SPEAKER_01:with.
SPEAKER_02:Some kind of magical glow that Beverly walks into the room with.
SPEAKER_01:Just a good person.
SPEAKER_02:Her glowing personality. Yep. There may be something to that.
SPEAKER_01:Charisma.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. People who have charisma will attract people's eyes. Some of it is not meant as disrespect. I think as a man where I'm in a role where I see my role as protecting you, naturally my eyes will be drawn to movement in a room. I might look at the waitress when she walks by merely because the waitress is moving and attracts my attention as, is that a threat? So that's also a biological thing. So there are biological reasons we may be looking at things that aren't necessarily physical. sexually related either. I guess as we wind this down, from my perspective as a guy, a couple of things. It helps if our partners recognize that this is not always meant to be disrespectful or shopping or she's better than you. It's not always... meant to be that.
SPEAKER_01:Sometimes?
SPEAKER_02:Sometimes, probably. I don't know that it's meant to be that. Sometimes it comes off as that, as looking too long. Talk about these things. We don't talk about them because they always turn into fights. I see so many couples that when they work with us, they talk about this issue and it may be the first time they've ever talked about this issue without it being a giant fight. That's what it turns into. It's you were checking that girl out. No, I wasn't. You were checking that girl out. No, I wasn't. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and nobody gets any resolution. So be able to talk about it in a more, I don't know, maybe meaningful way with your partner. And use those conversations to help you be more aware as a guy that what you're doing sometimes has an impact on your partner, even if you don't mean it to. And in that way, I never want anything ever to hurt you or make you feel less than. So I have to do the good job of eyes forward thinking. Staying connected with Beverly, regardless of my ridiculous biology that makes me want to look and go pee on a tree.
SPEAKER_01:And I would say for the women listeners that if they're looking or if you see them looking, I think where women point it out is because we understand a quick glance for movement, a waitress walking by just catches the sight of your eye. But What we notice is the linger. You know, it's a longer glance. And that's where we tend to call it out. And we call it out because it's just wrong. And we're letting our partner know that. And I think that a guy should just be upfront and honest and be, oh, crap, sorry.
SPEAKER_02:It probably would help. And to be able to explain, this doesn't mean anything about you.
SPEAKER_01:Well, some women may know it's not about them or they may think it's about them, which is a bigger hurt. However, recognize that at the end of the day, whether we're hurt by it or not, we're going to think way less of you. And
SPEAKER_02:that's where, guys, we got to do a better job. Stop hurting your relationship with the things you do. and begin to understand those impacts. That's the podcast for today. We could have this wrong. We could be wrong about this. And this is the interesting thing about, I think you have a podcast and you go, okay, we know everything. No, we don't. No, we don't. This is how it feels right to us as social scientists, as people that work with clients in relationships. If there's more to this that you see as a listener, you feel as a listener, Drop us a note. We can come back and maybe address some different angles on this or whatever. Drop us a note if you'd like to. Info at heartandheadcoaching.com. Info at heartandheadcoaching.com. If you have other topics you want us to talk about as well and try and explain from our perspective and our experiences, please let us know. Thanks for tuning in, everybody.
UNKNOWN:I love it.
SPEAKER_00:for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.
