Trust Me... Again

In this episode, Randy and Beverly explore the dangerous waters of broken trust. From infidelity to addiction, there are a million ways to mess up the trust in your relationship. But how do you get it back? If you and your partner have encountered a loss of trust - or just want to make sure your relationship is bulletproof - listen to Trust Me... Again. You'll see that it can be better. Not just better than it is now but even better than it was before. As long as you're both willing to dig a little deeper and be vulnerable. Trust us... you don't want to miss this one. 

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_02: 0:21

Hey, everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. You're going to want to listen to today's podcast. Trust me. We're talking about trust. This is, Beverly, one of the hardest things that we deal with, I think, as relationship coaches, building and maybe more importantly, rebuilding trust when something goes wrong in the relationship where trust is broken.

SPEAKER_01: 0:45

We see a lot of clients who have issues with trust, whether it is something like an affair, infidelity, cheating on one another, even things we've mentioned before, porn or... OnlyFans or even just social media, checking out or liking certain posts. Those are things that obviously will bring up trust issues, insecurities in people, but also maybe one that people don't always think about is addiction, where it feels like the partner is running off to be with the...

SPEAKER_02: 1:22

It feels like their lover, but it's their substance, their

SPEAKER_01: 1:26

addiction. off with the mistress, right? Sure. So all of these things can create trust issues. So we thought that we've seen a fair number of trust issues recently. We thought it's a pretty relevant topic. I think one of the things about trust is most people, if they make it to our office, they're working on staying together and rebuilding trust. They've made the commitment to stay together, and that is always the first thing that has to happen is Some people say, hey, if you cheat on me, I'm out, we're done. Yeah,

SPEAKER_02: 2:01

maybe that's pretty consistent for I think where my head was at for many of my years in relationships in the past.

SPEAKER_01: 2:09

And that boundary is certainly fair. It's something that is individual with people. The people who choose to stay together, now we have to look at trust and how we rebuild that. And I think a lot of people do that by implementing control. And what's interesting Okay. I like

SPEAKER_02: 2:32

the concept of trust and control being in balance because trust is something that, let's face it, we don't understand very much about as humans just in general. If you think about trust just overall, we trust stuff all the time and we know nothing about it. We live on the fifth floor of a condo building. I don't question much the fifth floor. The floor itself. I've gone to other buildings and gone on all kinds of high floors, and never do I really question, is the floor going to hold me up? I get in my car. I go somewhere. I don't typically question the car unless it breaks down and leaves me somewhere. So trust is something that we kind of assign to something until there's a problem. But we automatically give that darn stuff away pretty cheap and easy in the beginning and then when it gets broken that's where this idea comes in that there's something we have to do control some way that we have to get our partner back bring them back from their addiction bring them back from their infidelity bring them back from the thing that broke our trust and everybody then tries to assert control over that I need to know where you are I need to know what who you're talking to You talk about it being in balance. Explain that from maybe your perspective.

SPEAKER_01: 4:06

It makes sense that to rebuild trust, we would have to implement more control. I think where the problem comes from is when the hurt partner is using control as punitive for, oh, you cheated, you've got to suffer for a very long time, I have to know where you are, who you're talking to, and so on. to everything you do. You have to go along with every decision that I make. I've really seen sometimes where the punitive nature is very strong. Pretty strong.

SPEAKER_02: 4:38

Yeah. Well, when someone hurts us, we want them to feel how we felt. We want that person to feel hurt as well. And it's actually kind of part of our process as humans for recovery. But it can So how do we help people out there listening maybe begin to draw boundaries? Because you need boundaries without turning it into a situation that asks for more problems because there's just too much control and there's resentment and there's almost in control a lack of forgiveness in some ways when it gets kind of over the top. You're right. The person who cheated needs to eat crap and suffer and all these things in the mind of the person who was cheated on. But darn it, there's a point. You can't just take 20 years and be in control of your partner and expect your relationship to be good. So how do you do that? Where is that change? When does it change? Because that's the biggest thing the head partners are always asking me. And darn Heads are the ones that are generally cheating. Darn it, a head goes out and cheats or does something stupid, relapses or whatever. And then they tell me time after time after time, my partner's never going to let this go. And all I'm going to do is live this down for the rest of my life. And that becomes a bit depressing too. So how do we balance all that?

SPEAKER_01: 6:20

Especially because control really diminishes motivation, especially over time. And it... erodes on respect. So while the hurting partner might feel more safety, stability, security in having all the control in place, it really limits that other person's freedom and we're not going to ever get back to repair. We're going to continue to stress the relationship. We don't have the foundation of trust. We're not even really building that trust when control is out of line. So it is very important to look at the trust and control and to balance those. So I would say that one of the things in rebuilding trust is we have to trust ourself the most, more than even our partner. Because one of the things that I learned with my first husband, my first husband was alcoholic. We used to drink together, party together. It wasn't really something that I noticed until well into the relationship about the time my second child was born. And I really noticed the difference. I could stop drinking with the pregnancies. I would minimize the drinking. And he could not. Long story short, there was more control put into place and less freedom, which gave me that security. However, especially in addiction issues, what we see is that that person does need accountability, but But at the same time, they need to believe in themselves that they can overcome the addiction, the habit. If we have those control issues in place more than temporary, then it starts to really erode even their own confidence, their own ability to kind of see their way out of it.

SPEAKER_02: 8:16

Isn't that true with everything? Think about this. If you're out there listening, take a second, wherever you are, whether you're driving or sitting at home or in the office or in a park, whatever, we'll wherever you are, just kind of take a second and think about it. How many times today have you thought about alcohol? This is a simple question, but the problem with it is you may not have thought about alcohol today, but because I asked, now you're thinking about it. And so this is the thing that happens with control and addiction. And Beverly talks about a person kind of earning back trust and beginning to feel confident in themselves. If you're constantly constantly banging the drum on them. All you're doing is bringing it up and bringing it up and bringing it up. You have to recognize their mind's bringing it up and bringing it up and bringing it up too. Not saying you don't have to and not saying you shouldn't. There's got to be very good boundaries of a relationship and a couple is going to survive addiction or infidelity or those things. There has to be boundaries. There just needs to be boundaries with grace. And maybe that's where this is important. Draw those boundaries. Work together as a team. Set up some rules. Set up those boundaries. Because if you get to that point, it's probably come up, it's blown up, it's turned into an argument. Work together and figure out, okay, what can we do? Because this needs to change. And you both probably know that, okay, what happened or what's happening is not what we want. Work together and establish those boundaries. And it's okay to hold your partner to the boundary, but you can't continue to beat the drum of them somehow being lesser than just because they made a mistake. Boundaries and punishment are very, very different.

SPEAKER_01: 10:05

Which leads to forgiveness. And we always find forgiveness is important, but most people get it wrong. They say, okay, fine, I forgive you. But even in that statement that I made, we can tell that I haven't let it go. Forgiveness is two-step. It needs to be truly forgiving that person because all humans are flawed. We all make mistakes. We need to get to a point of forgiveness, but we also need to let go of that hurt. And that's where a lot of people struggle is they just don't know how to let it go because our mind protects us from things that hurt us. It's like a hot stove. If you were to touch one, ouch, you get burned. I'm going to always remember about that hot stove. And that's a good thing. Till I die, I want to not get burned by a stove again. When you look at being hurt in a relationship whether it's infidelity addiction whatever it's that protection of hurt and that's where most people just don't understand how to really let go of that part of the answer is going back to trusting yourself we never know who we can trust or not trust we can work on dating or having conversations around the same values when we understand someone's values then we have a better feel for how much we can trust that person So

SPEAKER_02: 11:27

you're not just going into the kitchen every time you're in the house and tapping on the burners and going, oh, is this on? Did I leave it on? Is it off? You let the stove kind of be the stove unless you're using it at that point. Let me ask you this. When do we get able as a partner to go, okay, that's behind us? Do we ever go, what you did to me 10 years ago is behind us now? Or do you think people hang on to that stuff for years and years? when it comes to things like

SPEAKER_01: 11:57

infidelity? Whoops. I

SPEAKER_02: 12:29

think that one of the things that we talk with people about, and I think this is important, especially for people that are maybe overcoming the big stuff, the addiction, the infidelity in their life, you have to create a space in your relationship where your partner, if they're going to overcome their addiction, if they're going to overcome infidelity, if they're going to overcome the big things in the relationship, you have to create safety for them to be able to to come to you and to talk about things. For them to be able to say, hey, I was feeling bad today, or hey, I thought about drinking, or I did this thing, I thought about looking at porn, I thought about... Because if every interaction around our weaknesses is shaped in shame, and I can't feel safe to try to work through that, we aren't going to work I've also got to learn as a person, if I'm the one that made the mistake, I've got to be able to recognize that that was a mistake. That wasn't where I was going for. I wasn't trying to ruin trust in a relationship. Are we able as a person to say, yeah, you're absolutely right. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry that I hurt you with that 10 years ago. And I am very, very glad that I have learned. I have grown. I have moved on. I have moved forward. Yeah, absolutely. It just gets to the place in our relationship where, frankly, he felt like he was letting you down so much that there was no way he could come to you with clues that he might be letting you down. Does that make sense? Our partner might be afraid to talk to us about things, and that makes it tougher. How do we create a safe relationship? We know how we did it accidentally. We wrote a book, actually. We learned how to fight without being too emotional about it, I But how can couples learn to do that, begin to do that, so that they can overcome that stuff and rebuild trust?

SPEAKER_01: 15:14

to have that integrity so that if someone is flirting with you and you're tempted to go further with that, that you remember kind of who you are and what you stand for and where that line is. Usually we find that when trust is broken, there were a lot of clues along the way leading up to it. Perhaps the relationship had some distance, felt like roommates. Perhaps that person didn't feel like a priority. There's a lot of things that can lead up to it. So that might be another thing that couples need to look at. Mostly to move on, you're going to have to realize that you can't repair as much as you can just build new. You can build stronger and that way the relationship is bulletproof going forward. And that is really where we get the most control. I think is when we let go of, trying to repair it. And we think of it as, okay, we had this speed bump. Maybe it was a wall. We hit a wall. But now we're going to rebuild. We're committed. We're going to forgive. We're going to work on our own triggers and defenses. And we're going to be bold and courageous and walk through this problem and into the future to marriage 2.0 or to a relationship that's even better. Because once a couple goes through something like this, that relationship bond will be so much better. And that couple will have what I think they were always looking for, which is stronger trust.

SPEAKER_02: 17:02

In closing, for heads, for the head partner out there, all you've ever wanted was somebody that could love you for who you are and how you are. And if you found that person Keep working at it. Keep trusting them because they can help you get through those things, those temptations, those addictions, those things that are in your head. They're in everybody's head. They've just gotten too big. And when you have that person, your partner, the person that loves you, when you can connect with them, they're going to help you because that's what they want for you too. They So heads, it's tough. It's tough to be vulnerable. It's tough to admit that we fail, but it is an amazing step towards the ultimate freedom. I feel ultimate freedom in my relationship with you, Beverly, because I'm able to be all messed up. I'm able to be this broken guy that's doing the best he can. And it just, it makes it easier. So heads begin to open up your relationship in a way that your communication is safe. And it lets you be free of all that crap you've got in your head about why you're not good enough and all of those things. And it's an amazing, amazing freedom that you're going to get from just being a little vulnerable. Beverly, for hearts, what do they need to remember?

SPEAKER_01: 18:33

I think hearts need to remember that, for one thing, if it's an affair, we have to remember that both partners will view that affair differently. I've heard from a lot of clients where, oh, it was just sex. It wasn't anything more than that. And sometimes hearts put a lot more emotion and connection behind it. And while just sex doesn't give it an excuse or justify it, it does make it perhaps a little bit of a different offense. Hearts tend to take all these things very personal. And what can happen is not only the core trust is ruined, but also just those personal feelings of maybe not being enough or that there are secrets behind things that you're doing behind my back. It just all feels very personal. And if they can separate, if hearts can separate that out and look at it as an issue together, not a personal attack, most cheaters will tell you that it really didn't have anything to do with their partner. It was something that was wrong or going on with them. But

SPEAKER_02: 19:47

so much our own insecurities and our own BS that drives our ridiculousness and just makes our life worse over and over and over and over again if we're not careful about it.

SPEAKER_01: 20:00

So the last thing is just the relationship is not defined by what breaks the relationship. It's defined by what we build together. So couples who can look forward not back will have the best chance of success.

SPEAKER_02: 20:16

That's the podcast for today. First thing you can do, don't screw up. But if you do, listen back through the podcast. Hopefully some good ideas there and just ways to talk about trust with your partner. It can be rebuilt. You just got some work to do on yourself and with your partner. Thanks, everybody.

SPEAKER_00: 20:37

Aloha. Thanks for listening to Heart And check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.