What You Said... In My Head

Heart partners, have you ever gotten mad at your Head partner for something they did IN A DREAM? This is an example of "What you said... in my head."  This week we're talking about how easy it is to make up a story that leads to an argument, even if the story hasn't happened. Why are we so quick to assume what our partner is thinking and why they're thinking it? But we're so darn wrong most of the time. If your relationship suffers from "What you said, in my head" Syndrome, you might want to listen to this episode. #HeartVersusHead 

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randi Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the podcast. Hi, Beverly. Hi. We have these little microphone screens that keep the peas from popping sometimes and the bees from being a bit brutal on the microphone. So they have this little thing. And Beverly does this thing where when she's angry with me, she kind of like hides behind her little microphone pop cover. And then just a minute ago, when I look over there, now she's in this little mode where she's actually looking at me over the top of the pop cover with her little, I love you eyes, because we figured out the stuff that was angry about. That's actually what we're going to be talking about today, kind of. The problem with some of these topics when we get into these topics on Heartless is they do, they start a disagreement. So we start talking about them and we realize just how much heart and head disagree. For those of you that are new to the podcast, Heart vs. Head is about how we, in our relationships, each have a different relationship style. One partner is going to take on a heart-based role. That's Beverly's role in our relationship. Which

SPEAKER_02 1:32

just means that I make decisions around people. That's all that it means.

SPEAKER_01 1:36

You make decisions around people. I am the head partner in our relationship. I make my decisions around facts and logic and and things like that. And it means we disagree. So today what we're going to be talking about is what you said in my head. Because there's a thing that we do, hearts and heads do it. We do it for different reasons. We'll get into that. When we're trying to figure out how to communicate with our partner, we're already making assumptions about what they're going to say, why they did what they did. Any time a disagreement is coming up. Before the disagreement ever comes out of our mouth, our brain is already forming all these ideas of why this person has wronged us in such a way and what they believe about us and all of those things. So what you said in your head was really kind of this idea of what's going on in there when we're doing this and why does it lead to relationship trouble. So we started talking about Let me give you the overview on the three kind of examples, and then we can talk about this as a problem. One was a client who had made a mistake in his relationship, and that client... just was really, really struggling with putting the relationship back together as he was trying to rebuild trust with his partner. And he said, the problem is she thinks I'm stupid. It really kind of resonated with me. We make that assumption that the partner thinks something about us. Well,

SPEAKER_02 3:22

and I want to use a quick example because Randy pointed out one time that when I ask him and I say, can you take out the trash? Yes. Right. Right. And all it

SPEAKER_01 3:41

is is a

SPEAKER_02 3:47

word trigger, whereas he said, if you would say, would you take out the trash, it's much less triggering for criticism, which blew my little heart away.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

I bet it did. Sometimes we're weird. You are. We are weird. Space aliens, I believe. Space aliens, I think, somewhere back there in an episode. Okay, there's one example. We do this in the client space. There was an example in our relationship where a while back we'd ended up in a discussion about something I had said to somebody and how that was problematic because you brought some assumptions to it and I couldn't figure out why in the heck you had those assumptions. And then there's another example that I can't even tell you who the people are involved in it, but examples of where the head partner makes a decision and the heart partner goes, oh my gosh, why are you doing that? So hurtful to me. Yeah. And you sit back and you look at it as a logical head. I look at it, and I think the head partner in that particular example did too, look at it and go, what? What's the problem? Why is this such a big deal?

SPEAKER_02 5:09

And that one is really around past experience, insecurities, expectations. So while Randy can't divulge information, it's really just a situation where this comes up a lot in, for say dating where a couple is you know just going maybe six months a year in and and issues come up around choices that are made so one example of this might be in dating let's say six months a year two years it doesn't really matter and one partner has a trigger perhaps for someone that cheated or someone that went back with their ex and so when when the other partner comes up with just an aside of oh I was texting my ex the other day it might be very triggering and this is where what the insecure partner or the person that's been cheated on partner hears is oh no not again you know somebody that is not over their ex

SPEAKER_01 6:14

yeah that's that's a perfect example because what if you know oh I was texting my ex because my ex got a package delivered to the house and so you Our

SPEAKER_02 6:29

deposit refund when we lived together and finally six months later a check came, right?

SPEAKER_01 6:34

Right. There are logistical reasons and legitimate reasons for having to talk with an ex. And it's a good example because oftentimes the heart partner feels a way about it. And we heads really can't understand that because we don't feel a way about a fact. We just don't. Oh, have to do this logistical thing. We're taking information and exchanging it to accomplish a goal. And hearts are notorious and good at assigning meaning to everything, except for sometimes that wonderful emotional meaning that we all love so much about our heart partners goes to complete left field and seems a little bit crazy. At least to heads.

SPEAKER_02 7:27

And there's obviously a lot of other reasons why we can hear things differently than what was intended. Just having poor listening skills in general, being in a fight or flight mode anyway, because maybe something is going on in the relationship. And so every conversation is eggshells and we're projecting or we're jumping to assumptions. Perhaps a person has a bit of low self-esteem doesn't feel like their partner really does care about them. And so everything they say sounds like, well, you're choosing to go hang out with your friends because you really don't care about me. And

SPEAKER_01 8:08

but if we rewind what you just said, it's part of the challenge because you say things like feels like this and maybe it's this way. And sometimes and, you know, everything's couched in such hard ways in such indirect language. We had citizens and go, what in the heck are you talking about? Because it just doesn't ever get to that point that it makes the point. Because I think hearts are talking about it in such a way as to not hurt people and our feelings. And so we don't hear the point of even that explanation. All we hear is, oh, and I feel and I think and maybe kind of, I don't know, it could be this or it could be that.

UNKNOWN 8:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:54

Right. think that's where some of the problems come from in trying to communicate and fix.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Right. So part of the solution is knowing who you're talking to. So for example, if I'm talking to another heart, I will be more indirect. I will kind of beat around the bush. I will be very careful because I am protecting that person. I don't want them to get defensive. And it usually works out better for me and for them when I use that approach. Now, what I've learned with Randy 15 years together is if he's doing something, I think there was a podcast a few back where are you checking her out or came up and that was one where caught Randy looking at something and I was very direct and said are you checking her out? So being direct, you're right. Works better with heads. And I've learned to do that in quite a few cases. I would say no one's perfect. We all struggle and there are times where it's dicey. We don't always regulate ourselves so that we can be direct. I know it's the right approach with you. I do it probably 90% of the time.

SPEAKER_01 10:36

We start to just kind of spin out in our mode when we get stressed out. And so hearts become more indirect because you get so concerned about relationship when you get stressed out about the relationship you're more concerned more stressed more trying to fix it more trying to make sure I'm okay more trying to make sure everybody's okay and heads, we get more and more frustrated. So we get more direct. And so especially when you end up in these arguments about something where your partner may think you're an idiot, you just get more and more and more stressed. And it makes the problem worse if you're not aware of it, if you're not watching for it. We just get farther and farther apart. And it's that much harder to get a solution when you're both working in different directions.

SPEAKER_02 11:34

Right, because if I'm being indirect and that's confusing and you're being more direct, what I would actually prefer in those moments is you read my response, read the room with me, and realize that being more direct is not going to improve this conversation, that I need you to ask me a question. What do you mean by that? What are you saying? Help me understand. Can you tell me more? What is it that gives you that idea? Those are things that are helpful because it causes me to stop and go back in and process, okay, well, why did I say that? Why did I think that? And I think we could solve things a lot easier. So in a conversation, in communication, knowing who you're talking to, if it's a head and a heart, I think it goes both ways. We each have to understand who we're talking to and the subject, how emotional it might be, how triggering it can be. Has it been a problem in the past, and then we can modify our responses. It can sound complicating to people maybe that are just listening in and are just learning about heart and head and how we communicate differently, but it's actually pretty easy. And when it results in better relationships, better fighting, better communication, it's way worth it.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

Well, absolutely. Yeah. When you can understand the way that your partner's brain is kind of working in your relationship and the way that your brain is working in your relationship. It just makes it... A lot. I almost said shit ton. It makes it a lot easier to just have a relationship and move around one another without banging into each other so much kind of emotionally. One of the challenges, and I guess the recommendation for heads is going to seem a bit basic, but heads, as the partner that is logical, you're not being very logical in how you approach your disagreements with your partner. Because if you were truly the logical partner, you would go, wait a second, is there a better way to help this human function around me? And if that's the approach that you take, you have a chance. And so what I've noticed about Hart's And maybe Beverly first and then saw it with lots of others is they do get stuck. Heads get stuck too, but hearts will get kind of stuck in a loop. Oh, he's doing this because of that or that kind of thing in our relationship where Beverly may assume that I'm doing something for a certain reason. And until she gets unstuck, it's really hard to talk about anything else. And so as a head, I have to let her do that. Right. Sure. I mean, there are conversations around times in our past where Randy would say something about, oh, I'm

SPEAKER_02 15:13

going to go watch a game with so-and-so tomorrow, and I'm going to go watch a game with somebody else. I'm okay with that. But perhaps the story in my head is, oh, he didn't invite me. This is kind of a mutual friend. And I might start telling myself a story about that. Like, he doesn't want me there or...

SPEAKER_01 15:43

He'd rather hang out with other people than hang out with me. He

SPEAKER_02 15:48

needs a break from me. Did

SPEAKER_01 15:50

I say something? None of those things are true ever.

SPEAKER_02 15:53

Right. But that would be an example from a long time ago where that would be kind of the first thought that I would have, mostly because it's a mutual friend. He has his own friends. I have my own friends. I wouldn't think that. But a mutual friend caused me to pause and consider all the different ways that maybe this was happening. So when you have that hurt or you've got this misconception, right, it's going to affect my attitude, the nonverbal, passive aggressive perhaps. I That response can stimulate, I

SPEAKER_01 16:46

guess. situation of which you reference. But in that situation, I would think, oh, Beverly hates watching ballgames, hates sitting for that long, doesn't really like the fried food served in most sports bars or whatever might be the reason that I wouldn't invite you. And none of those have anything to do with you other than I'm thinking I'm going to help you out. And this gets back to, as we've talked in other podcast episodes, sometimes our problem is we got to stop trying to make the other part Because we're, we screw that up,

SPEAKER_02 17:39

too. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 18:01

Because I would rather spend time with you always. And if you ever said, oh, I didn't get invited to come watch the game, my response would always be, no, you're welcome to come along. Or to say, oh, that friend needs, you know, some one-on-one time or has an issue or whatever. Or to let you know that there may be more that you're missing. Maybe I didn't communicate well. Be curious. And like Beverly said, if you see something, say something. But do not run your relationship based on what you said in my head or what I said in your head. I

SPEAKER_02 18:51

think that over time, what this really brings value to is that we've learned the space alien thing becomes less of an issue, the more that I understand how Randy's brain works, he understands how mine works, then whenever we communicate or things come up, they're not issues. I know for a long time, I noticed the early years with Randy that he was very extroverted, sometimes could be viewed as even flirtatious, and I had to understand that. I had to really examine that and figure out is this flirtatious? Is he even aware of this? Is this just his personality? What is his intent? And so there were conversations in the early years around those things to a point to where I finally understood really that he's just a very charismatic guy, really cares about people and always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. You're a team. So let's not just attack you do want the same thing right and I think then if we can view this as a team it's more about curiosity and understanding and putting yourself maybe in their shoes for a moment speaking addressing who you're speaking to I can be completely different when I'm talking to hearts but when I'm talking to Randy I can speak to that audience and it goes so much better

SPEAKER_01 20:28

that's the podcast Everybody, we'll talk to you next time.

SPEAKER_00 20:30

Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at heartandheadcoaching.com.