Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples fight better and connect again.
Heart Versus Head
The Look
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Heart partners, does your Head partner roll their eyes or give you an exasperated look when your emotions start running strong? There is usually much more to "the look" than disdain, disgust, or disinterest. Maybe, they just don't understand your feelings. In this episode, Randy and Beverly explore why Heads make that face and why it makes Hearts so upset. Plus, they offer some tips to get through the situations when THE LOOK appears.
Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.
Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_02:Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the Heart versus Head Podcast. Hi Beverly. Hey. Beverly knows, but the listeners probably I I've been getting over kind of this. I guess it's just kind of a cold or something, so I'm a little bit nasally. And I always get really worried about that when I'm talking and I I worry I sound nasally. Do I sound nasally? No. I probably will along the way during today. So I'm feeling fine. Thank you. Thank you for thinking of me, uh, listeners.
SPEAKER_04:The hacking sounds like you're dying, but no, your voice sounds fine.
SPEAKER_02:Okay. I I always it feels nasally to me because I'm so kind of congested. There you go. There, there we talk about health. That's always fun. We've got an interesting, interesting podcast for you today, something that the Beverly discovered. Before we get to that, we are Randy Hampton of Beverly Craddock, we host Heart versus Head. That's the podcast you're listening to. What's it about? Well, heck, a few years back as we were working with couples as relationship coaches, we kind of discovered that in relationships you're gonna operate one of two ways in your relationships. You will either make your decisions using your heart or you will make your decisions using your head. In a relationship, one of you is gonna do it one way and the other one's gonna do it the other way. Yeah, you're attracted to the opposite, and it creates great balance, and it's a wonderful thing when you can get heart and head working together in a relationship, but you gotta do that. Now, hearts are are feelers generally, and but they choose to make decisions based on how everybody feels about things. They they are constantly kind of monitoring and making sure everybody's okay. That's what hearts do. Uh heads are logical, black and white, very set in their ways, and and I know that because I am one. I'm the head partner in Beverly's in my relationship. So heart versus head is really kind of taking a look at these perspectives that our mind uses to make decisions in our relationship and how it gets us all screwed up. Speaking of which, Beverly had a a client that they brought you something that was interesting, and you looked into that and found something that I thought was really interesting. Tell us about it.
SPEAKER_04:Clients are always bringing unique situations because every human is different. Go back and watch or listen to space aliens, and you'll learn more about that. The client was on the phone. Basically, she had made this statement that she and her partner had got into a fight, a conflict, disagreement, and she said, I said this, and then he had that look, and I knew that look because my ex-husband had that look, and that look was him judging me.
SPEAKER_02:The great look of judgment. Um, we hear about this a lot. You hear that a lot from from hearts that say he always looks at me. My head partner looks at me that way. Um, so there is a look. Tell tell us more.
SPEAKER_04:What I told her was first of all, you're making an assumption, you're you're mind reading in this moment. You're assuming that this partner now is judging you in the same way that the ex-husband judged you many, many years ago. And I just don't think that we can lump people together and and paint them with the same brush. I think what's going on in another person's mind can be completely different. And I think it's safer to not make assumptions and to rather ask that person what they're thinking right now. However, uh, one of the things, as I was trying to prove to her, that heads don't have a certain way, a certain look, and a certain thought that goes with it. So what tends to happen is hearts will will tend to make these decisions based on people, as Randy said, which can be viewed as somewhat crazy or illogical. It doesn't always make sense to the head. So what happens is the first thing they do is they're they're confused, I think, more than anything. They're just wondering, huh, you know, why did she do that or say that? That's it's it's interesting, it's different, it's unpredictable. So they're they're basically confused. Now, it happens a lot in life because let's face it, there are hearts everywhere, or people who do things that might be confusing. And so this comes from conditioning. It comes from a lot of hearts in their life, maybe doing something or saying something in a in a similar way that seems irrational or maybe unstable. It also makes them wonder for a moment, am I safe? Which is just a human concept where we're always wanting to make sure that we're safe. That's kind of this anxiety thing that goes on with humans. So it's a combination of confusion, am I safe? What is this person saying? Or, you know, maybe they're crazy, but that isn't really the first thought. The first thought is, what do I do with this? And so they're they're quiet, they're paws, their heads, they're processing. And when I when I got this information, I was pointing out to her, there is no judgment in these things.
SPEAKER_02:That's absolutely, you know, this is what got me fascinated on this too is you were talking about it and and kind of how we ended up on, hey, let's do a podcast about this because it's interesting. I have that look. I think I think it's a built-in natural kind of look when things don't make logical sense, is what you're saying. And so I know in my life I've I've had that look, and people will react to that look like I think they're stupid.
SPEAKER_04:Right. It feels dismissive to a heart. Especially when hearts are are talking about something so emotional, so important, so passionate, and the head partner has this look.
SPEAKER_02:So emotional, so passionate, so crazy. And we do, we get that because it it doesn't to us, it doesn't fit our decision-making style of logic. It doesn't, it's irrational. Because I know I make that look. I know I have a look that generally probably involves rolling my eyes as I just tried to make that look for you. I know I have that look, and I can assure you it is not dismissive or judgmental of what you're saying or thinking in the moment. That look is just me trying to figure out what the heck you are saying sometimes, I think, you know, and trying to make sense of it.
SPEAKER_04:Right. So that that was kind of uh a deeper dive on this same topic because I found it fascinating, is that the initial reaction for the head is confusion and surprise. The idea is, whoa, that reaction wasn't what I expected, or that that sentence, I didn't see that coming. And so because heads are very much looking for patterns and logic, when when hearts can sometimes have this emotional intensity or or sadness or even crying. This even goes into crying, which I want to dive into a little bit more in a minute. But that first reaction from the head is confusion. Then they're also wondering, oh, wait, am I safe? This one's funny because a lot of heads have got in trouble for the look or for not saying or doing the right thing. And so there is a moment of defense where they're like, I don't know how to respond, how to respond to this. Uh, maybe I'll just sit here and think about it or pull back. Maybe I'll just retreat, retreat.
SPEAKER_03:Maybe I'll just stare at you sillily while I try and figure out what is occurring.
SPEAKER_04:And it can it can come across to a heart as not just silence, but avoiding eye contact, physically withdrawing. And but you gotta know what's going on in the head's head.
SPEAKER_02:Holy God. Okay, wait, wait. Go back to that. It can come across as what?
SPEAKER_04:Silence, avoiding eye contact or physically withdrawing. Why is that?
SPEAKER_01:Man, that's a lot of energy and thought to put into what the heck the look means.
SPEAKER_04:But if you really if think about it.
SPEAKER_01:You're withdrawing from me. You're not connecting It's just a big leap.
SPEAKER_02:I think it's just the look, but you're right. This is the problem, and this this so gets to heart versus head. This is a problem. We just see it as a look, and and heads go, oh, it wasn't anything, but it means something to the heart, and that's why we get in trouble for for this look, because the heart goes, Oh, that means something.
SPEAKER_01:And the head sits back and goes, wait a second, that didn't mean anything.
SPEAKER_04:I don't get it. Yeah. A lot of times, and this is maybe what my client was experiencing was their partner either being silent or maybe maybe the eye roll or just again not understanding. And sometimes a partner can just like walk away, like almost, you know, like they just don't know how to respond. And so they walk away as a defense mechanism. They don't want to deal with this, they don't want to get in trouble for responding inappropriately, or or we've, you know, criticized their response before. And so they decide to leave. And it's actually for a reason because they're still processing. They decide that it's better to go think about this before they respond.
SPEAKER_02:It is certainly something that I understand. I I'm not a walk-away generally. Uh, not a walk-away. No. I'm I'm a smart ass, so I'll come with something that probably shouldn't come out of my mouth when I'm confused. Um, that I I get I credit that to those years in radio where I learned to be just, you know, quick witted, um, which is not all that helpful either in a conflict situation with your partner. Um, they don't find it funny, just just so you know. But I I get this this idea that people might even just be so confused by what their heart partner has just said that they just kind of have to walk away and process it. Um and yeah, I suppose when you just walk away and process it, it feels pretty disconnected. But that's what's going on in in the head's head is they can't figure it out.
SPEAKER_04:What's always helpful about our podcast is that we're gonna help you uh help hearts anyway, with what to do with this. So, first, now that you've heard about it, now you can understand it, and the best thing to do is if you see that look with your partner, then I want you to pause and take a breath. Because in the past, you viewed this as judgment. Oh, he he thinks I'm crazy. And so what we want to do is get out of that pattern. So maybe taking a pause and a breath, reminding yourself that we we don't know what the partner is thinking right now. So once you do that, kind of regain your your tone, your posture, then you can say, hey, I notice you're giving me that look or a look. I just want to make sure that that you're understanding what I'm saying clearly. And so you might go about restating in a different way. You might explain a little bit more information. You might ask, you know, where did where did this go south in your mind? Where did I lose you? Where did this can become confusing? Uh, you can also help them out with emotions because again, heads will compartmentalize emotion.
SPEAKER_02:We do uh we do turn those things off and don't notice them and and and we naturally become maybe a little numb to our emotions. So, yeah, explaining what you're feeling can sometimes help. You have to be careful not to do it in a in a way that we think you think were stupid.
unknown:No.
SPEAKER_04:Thus the look, but but if I say to you, I'm venting right now because somebody hurt my feelings, I just need you to listen, that would be a lot more clear. You'd be like, oh, okay, cool. You wouldn't have to be thinking about solving it or or why the whole idea of me being hurt didn't even dawn on you because you wouldn't be hurt. And then as you have this deeper conversation, you're also going to start to realize the head will will probably say, Oh, well, yeah, I was confused. I was confused about what you said. I didn't didn't realize you were hurt. I didn't understand the context, the situation. And sometimes for the heart, we might remember that the head has has gotten trouble for these things before. We might state up front, this has nothing to do with you. I'm just talking about my encounter earlier today and what someone said and how it affected me. And then, really, if you can let that person know, I just need you to listen, or I do help, need your help. I need help understanding what happened to me. Once that head knows what the role is, what the expectation is, things will go a lot easier. And then from there, it's about realizing, okay, your partner now is telling you they they didn't understand. And you start to realize, okay, there really wasn't judgment. We want to take that trigger down. Uh, you could you could end really with remembering to tell your person we're on the same team, I love you. It's great when we can understand one another better. And this was very helpful for me to understand you better and the the looks and things that you give me. It's just a nice way to end the conversation so that everybody's on board with conflict isn't to be feared, disagreements. We don't need to be triggered by these things, we need to dig deeper.
SPEAKER_02:And and that's what we hope you gain from the podcast. Dive into this stuff. Recognize when there's a look, you may be misinterpreting what the look means. And so ask. And when you can talk about those things like a couple of adults in a relationship, it gets a lot easier. And and maybe you don't have to be so hurt by the look. Maybe you just have to recognize that we're crazy too, and we're taking a second to try and figure stuff out. And when you can talk about it, you can work your way around it.
SPEAKER_04:This is really a good message if if people can really hear what we're saying, maybe listen to it twice. But the thing about it is when you can recognize that we all have triggers, they come from the past. They're usually not the person in front of us, they're from other people long time ago. So we want to keep that open mind. We want to dig deeper, ask questions, and have that emotional regulation really. I wanted to talk a little more about crying because crying can be everything we just talked about, but on steroids. You know, it's one thing if I come to Randy, I'm talking about what somebody did or said and I'm upset, not crying, just upset or angry. Randy gets the confused look. So we have to break that down. But I will say that if Randy comes into the room and I'm crying, or I get off the phone and I'm talking to somebody that I care about and I hang up and now I'm crying, there is a different look. There's more intensity in that moment.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, so crying is certainly one of those things that holy cow gets misinterpreted as well. Heads, we don't deal with it well. We, you know, when Beverly's crying, my my response is run! Something is wrong, run away. And that that that's natural for heads. So we're gonna we're gonna hit that probably in another in another podcast in in a little more depth. We don't know our partner as much as we think we do. And so when we assume that that look has a reason, we may be wrong about the reason. There's there's more in there if you choose to to dig deeper.
SPEAKER_04:I would say for heads too, uh just a tip would be recognize that when you have that deer in the headlights moment where you're confused, defensive, not sure what you're supposed to do in that moment. It's okay to also say, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm confused. Help me out here.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, slow it down. Just don't let your brain run away with the the conflict in ways that the conflict isn't even going between the two of you. That's the podcast for today. Thanks everybody for tuning in. We'll talk to you next time. Have a great week. Hello.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for listening to Heart versus Head. You can learn more at Heartandhead Coaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at Heart and Head Coaching.com.
