Is It Mean If It's True?

Head-led partners focus a lot of energy on being factually correct but that can seem harsh and uncaring to their Heart partner. Listen as Randy and Beverly discuss an argument they had about something that should not have been an argument. How do the little moments break connection and how can being aware of it change it? Find out on this episode of Heart Versus Head. 

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:06

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_02: 0:22

Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the Heart versus Head Podcast. Happy day. Hi, Beverly. Hey, how are you? Great. Excellent. We're going to talk about something today that's kind of fun. If you say something and it's true, can it still be mean? This is something that comes up all the time between hearts and heads and clients. We hear it all the time. And we actually um we actually the reason that I think people enjoy our podcast is because we're real. We don't um we don't act like our relationship is somehow perfect. We just acknowledge that we've learned a few tricks to make a complicated relationship, as all relationships are, to make a complicated relationship, a little bit easier to do. And so we try to teach people some of the ways that we've learned to do that. If you're new to the Heart versus Head podcast, our approach is that in a relationship, there is one partner that takes on a kind of a head mode, a logical, thought-based, right-wrong, black, white, argue the facts kind of approach to making decisions. And the other partner takes on a heart-led kind of mode. Hearts are typically concerned with how everybody's feeling, so they'll take everybody's feelings into account as they make decisions. That's what we help couples work out because that's generally where the conflicts come from, is when heart and head look at things and think about things in a different way. Okay, on with podcast for today. An argument that Beverly and I had, and I don't know that it was much of an argument, but maybe it was just a little snipping back and forth the other evening. As we drove back from somewhere. So we are driving the car, we're coming back in, we have a garage that has a card key access. And so I went digging around looking for the card, and it's generally very easy to find. I keep it in this little compartment in the car. And it's it's right there, hand ready, good to go, grab it, buzz our way into the garage. Usually fairly quick, but I stuck my hand in a little compartment for the card, and there was all kinds of stuff in there. And Beverly just shook her head. Um, so this this tells you where this is headed, right? And I'm like, why do we have all this crap in the compartment? I can't get the card to get into the garage quickly. So I was a little snippy there, right? And and why do we have all this crap? Probably wasn't the best approach for that one either, but okay, real world, real people, real conversations. Beverly kind of got upset by that, and it it turned into an argument about uh the reading glasses kind of that Beverly had in the in the console there that kept me from getting to my my my card, our card, to get into the into the garage. And Beverly kind of took it personally that I was maybe picking on her for all the stuff in the compartment, which I which I which it probably was. I probably was doing a little bit of blaming there. What I realized as we were talking to some clients the other day, the reality is heads have this approach to things that we aren't mean if we're right. Because as we were walking into that the house eventually and we were talking about it. I'm like, well, it's true, right? So it wasn't mean. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just saying what what was true. This fight comes up a lot. Beverly, any insight on this? Is it is it mean if it's true?

SPEAKER_01: 3:53

All right, so you got to give your whole spiel of the story. So let's hear from Beverly what happened from my perspective.

SPEAKER_02: 4:01

What actually occurred.

SPEAKER_01: 4:02

Yeah. So, yes, okay, coming into the parking garage, reaches in the little slot, and it's it's night, dark, of course, so probably made it a little more difficult than usual. And uh there were things in the little area where he keeps it. Um, I didn't like his tone, I didn't like his words, calling everything crap, insinuating that it was all mine. So I'm trying to assist, and what I find in the little slot is uh also a pair of his glasses, which are very big because they're actually in a case.

SPEAKER_02: 4:40

So it isn't, by the way, uh I don't think I interrupt you in all fairness. It isn't even a small case, it's a giant glass case that I have my sunglasses in, and it it seems to be the only other thing that's typically in there, which is why I was confused. And you are correct, I was definitely not using very good, um, clear, kind language to talk about where the the key card is. So tone. Oh tone is probably true too. Can I finish? You may finish now.

SPEAKER_01: 5:15

Okay. So you're so defensive, it right away tells you that he was clearly in the wrong. So yes. Wait, wait, just because someone is defensive doesn't make them wrong.

SPEAKER_02: 5:24

Sorry, okay, go on.

SPEAKER_01: 5:25

Like the fourth interruption. So back to I did try to help, and I again I found his glasses, and then I did find I usually keep one pair of my glasses, which seems fair. One pair of his glasses, one pair of my glasses. Now, another pair had jumped in there, and I'm not sure when or where, but there there were a couple of extras. Oh, okay. Wait, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_02: 5:50

Another pair had jumped in there, just turned into a couple of extras. There were three pair, not one pair, not two pair, three pair. True. Sorry, I'm just I'm trying to be right, which is never, ever, ever a good idea. I I'll shut up. Sorry, I'll be over here.

SPEAKER_01: 6:08

I apologize. I took my extra two out, and then he kept whining about the spot and how full it was, and how you can't find anything when you need it, and that's why he does this. And I said, Well, why is it just your spot? I mean, this is a spot in the middle of the car. We both drive it, and I just didn't wow, it was like this is for Randy only. Apparently, I can't even have glasses in the car. And he's the silly person that bought this small compact car that has no places to put anything. So now I just have nowhere to put my stuff. So yeah, I wasn't happy with your tone. I wasn't happy with your words, and I also wasn't happy with the idea that this is your spot only, and I'm just screwed. Okay.

SPEAKER_02: 6:57

So now you see how Beverly and I go through our lives. And like I said, I think this is why people find our podcast at least interesting because we're willing to have these arguments so that that people can can see how it how it works, how we sometimes don't want it to work. I wasn't trying to, you know, say anything to make Beverly angry, sad, whatever at all, uh defensive of any of those things. I was short in a moment, which I apologized for and and I remain sorry for Beverly. I'm I'm very sorry you can uncross your arms. We can head heads are very, very direct, and we have to heads be maybe more thoughtful about it, more conscious of our own actions. Because Beverly is absolutely correct on this. My tone was bad, but even the way that when I get frustrated, we have to watch our brain because it does stuff, it's like our brain immediately goes to the always why do you all this stuff is crap.

SPEAKER_01: 8:07

It just comes off as dismissive, like you're better than me, you're more important. And what was sad about the whole thing was we had had a great evening and I was very connected, having a great moment, and then this just came out of nowhere. So what it did for me was break connection, and you know, the rest of the night was kind of over. It was like, okay, fine, we're all just going to bed because we had this little run-in, and I mean we were tired and so forth, so it doesn't completely matter, but it's it's really about just taking that extra moment and the way the heart looks at it is look, I'm your most important person. And if you just can't be kind, can't have some empathy, some understanding. If I was a complete stranger, you wouldn't have said that. All I'm looking for is tone, words, being respectful. Even if you had just said, wow, I can't I can't find the fob, I was helping you. I was looking for it.

SPEAKER_02: 9:08

Beverly is right. It's it's unfortunate because even a little thing like this can take us off track of these moments. Uh for hearts, it's so important to be connected. And and part of the challenge is that connection is very constant. It is in constant need of of energy, and it is kind of a moving target all the time. And so connection, if you if if you break it heads, it it does become something that you're gonna end up spending more time paying for in the long run than maybe learning to be a little bit more patient and a little bit more kind in the words that that we tend to use in those situations. So for my part of that, Beverly, I uh again, I apologize. I was not trying to ruin what was a very good evening, just in a moment of frustration, maybe a moment of a little bit too tired. I got short and snippy because I couldn't find what I was looking for, because I was just ready to be home with you.

SPEAKER_01: 10:17

Probably a two-second difference.

SPEAKER_02: 10:20

About a two-second difference. You are you are absolutely correct. Beverly, you're right. Um it's not even important to be right, and this is this is once again, you know, go go listen to the episode happy you're right. It is it's more important to be kind than ever to be correct. And I get it. Yeah, we we like to be right, we like to be smart, we like to be very headled and logical and thinking, you know, all those things heads, but it makes us mean sometimes, and that's not what you want in your relationship. So be mindful of it. I I don't think you can get rid of it. I I I am a direct person with a with a leadership style that is direct, with a with a with a tone that is get this done, and and it it works well in a lot of situations. It just isn't always the best approach to my relationship. Beverly is not an employee. Beverly is my partner, and as such, I've got to be better at you know, kind of always being kind, and I think that's important. So an important lesson from uh your uh podcast hosts today. Yeah, I guess I'm not done.

SPEAKER_01: 11:35

I guess I learned something and I'm about to learn more. For heads, it's not about changing who you are. You're you can still be right if that's so important to you, but just lead with empathy, with curiosity. That way your partner feels like they're cared for instead of just always in trouble and always treated poorly. The relationship then feels very safe and connected. And I wanted to give an analogy about connection. Randy talked about how I or I talked about how we get disconnected. It's kind of like to me, it's it's like Wi-Fi on your phone. When you have Wi-Fi, you're connected, right? Oh, your phone is so much fun, so much better. You can look at all your reels, you can play your games, you can connect with anyone, have messages, phone calls, the whole nine yards. But you know, like if you're traveling and you you don't have Wi-Fi or data, your instrument is pretty dead. There's really not a lot you can do. You can maybe write an uh email and save it for later descend, or you could write a document, or maybe if you've downloaded a game or a movie, maybe watch that. But it's a pretty lonely world if you don't have Wi-Fi. And sometimes when you drop it and then you have to pick it up again, it can be really difficult. I've been in airports where I've had to grab some Wi-Fi and and it it takes forever. It's really difficult. Whereas if you're just if you're just always connected, it's just so much easier and everybody's happier.

SPEAKER_02: 13:15

I love the analogy and hate the analogy at the same time. I love the analogy because it's accurate. I I hate the analogy because I hate feeling like Wi-Fi is so darn important in our lives anymore. You know, the technology's taking it over. But you're right, if your cell phone company left you disconnected as much as your partner did, you'd probably find a new cell phone company and don't think about that too much, heads. Anything else to add, Beverly, before we get out of here for today? Nope. Excellent. Hey, everybody, that's Heart versus Head this week. Be nice, for heaven's sakes. It isn't necessary to be mean even if you're right. You can be nice and still be right. Thanks, everybody. Have a great week. We'll we'll talk to you next time.

SPEAKER_00: 14:06

Thanks for listening to Heart versus Head. You can learn more at Heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at Heart and Head Coaching.com.