Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples fight better and connect again.
Heart Versus Head
The 10 Minute Vent Protocol
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Have you ever had a disagreement because your partner was upset about something else and then they got mad at you for not listening, not understanding or not being supportive... when you thought you were trying to help? Or are you the partner that just wants your disconnected partner to listen like your friends do? The 10 Minute Vent Protocol helps you set some rules around venting and guides resolution instead of just more "stuck". In this episode, Randy and Beverly explore why constant complaining - even about non-relationship stuff - can damage a couple's communication. If you're ready to solve the actual problem - instead of trying to fix every problem - give Heart Versus Head a few minutes of your time. #HeartVersusHead
Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.
Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01:Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the Heart versus Head Podcast. For those of you that are new around here, we talk about relationships from a different perspective, a new perspective, a different way to look at it and actually deal with communication. We talk about hearts and heads in your relationship. One of you will make decisions from your heart. One of you will make decisions from your head. Beverly is the heart in our relationship. Good morning, Beverly. Tell us about hearts a little bit.
SPEAKER_02:Sure. So Randy says hearts make decisions with our heart. I believe what he's saying is that we make decisions around people. That is really the way that hearts look at things. So in the beginning, when we're two hearts falling in love together, we are very much thinking about the other person. And that's why that honeymoon phase is so delightful. Then as we move on into the reality phase, that's when we start making decisions, and hearts will make decisions still around the head and taking the people that we love and care about into consideration to our choices. And then I'll let you talk about the head's perspective.
SPEAKER_01:So Beverly talked about hearts and how they make decisions. Heads make decisions from a place of logic and fact. Heads live in a world of black and white, right and wrong. And the way we look at it is if a decision is right, if it's the right thing to do, it doesn't matter how anybody feels about it. They need to get over their feelings. So you can see where this can lead to conflict in relationships. Hearts and heads, you probably have figured out who the who the heart is in your relationship, who the head partner is in your relationship. It can change, and there's all kinds of uh caveats that go along. Yeah, there's there's plenty to it. However, that's the basics. Let's talk about what we're talking about today. Beverly, what are we talking about today?
SPEAKER_02:Each person in the relationship, the heart and the head, because opposites attract. We find that most couples end up in this situation. Because we make decisions differently, that's going to lead to conflict. Today I want to focus on the conflict that's created when one partner is venting. And if you want background information, there is a uh prior podcast called Don't Fix the Vent. Don't fix the vent. So, what is the problem with venting? And I will say hearts are probably the one that's doing the venting just based on hearts again feeling frustrated by perhaps co-workers or children or even our partner because they are doing things that break connection or allow the heart to feel hurt or anxious.
SPEAKER_01:And definitely this is a difference between head and heart. Heads are, and we've talked about this previously, heads are kind of internal processors. And so when a head is venting, we're often doing it in our own head and having kind of make-believe little conversations with ourselves to resolve issues. Hearts tend to process that stuff out loud. And so when Beverly says hearts are generally the ones that are doing the venting, that's that's part of the reason why that heart partners tend to be the ones in the relationship that have the most words in them. They're trying to get all that out so they can process it.
SPEAKER_02:The problem with it, a lot of hearts will say, well, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm an external processor. I got to get it out somehow. What is the big deal? So there are really about five things that we can point to that that cause an issue with venting. First, we're going to just talk about what is the problem with venting, and then if you stay tuned to the end, we have a solution for you. When one partner is venting, especially that heart partner, we tend to be more emotional in that moment. It can be very intense. In fact, there have been times when I've been venting to Randy where my nervous system is in that fight or flight. And the problem with that is that when one person is stressed, now both partners become stressed or dysregulated. And sometimes my partner that's listening may become defensive, anxious, or even shut down from all of that intense emotion. So it ends up with this outcome of the partner listening comes across as being upset when they're just really frustrated as well. And w the heart is asking, why are you getting upset when I'm the one venting?
SPEAKER_01:It certainly is a challenge for us heads to sit and listen to a heart vent because our natural tendency is to immediately go to either defensiveness or fixing it. And so to sit makes it that much more challenging. It's hard to be a good listener if you don't, you know, if you're not aware of this and you keep jumping in and interrupting or playing devil's advocate, as heads tend to do in our own heads. So we think it's helping our partner as well, and it often is not. And the venting can lead to kind of some resentment, kind of that resentment of not being able to fix the problem and the and the resentment from the heart of not feeling heard and just nobody listens and all of those things. Uh and it and it can lead to a lot of challenges in the relationship.
SPEAKER_02:Which was exactly point number two, which was that just as Randy said, because the heart is is venting and the conversation is about reactivity versus repair, then it later ends up with this problem of the heart saying, you don't listen, or you always make things worse because you're jumping in or trying to fix, or even sometimes feeling like blame. Now, the third area why this is not helpful is that when the heart is repeatedly venting about the same issue, let's say this is some coworker and it's just constant, and every day or twice a week we're coming home, we're venting about that. The problem with that is it's really not good for the heart, for the one venting, especially when it's repeated about the same issue, because basically what we're doing is we're wiring together the neurons in our mind, and basically it just continues to frustrate the head or the listening partner because they they just can't fix it and they're tired of hearing about it over and over. It's not good for the heart because it just ends up as something where we're stuck in a loop and nobody can fix it.
SPEAKER_01:It certainly, and as Beverly says, it it's wiring these neurons in your mind when you're complaining or or when you're venting, it just makes the problem that much more steady in your brain because that that path of the problem just keeps getting walked. And so those neurons keep getting reinforced, and anything you do over and over, you get better at. And unfortunately, sometimes it's processing our junk. I turned to so many clients that we've worked with in the past where there's a problem from 10 years ago, and the problem just won't go away, not because the problem still exists, but because the pathways in that partner's brain still have it strongly linked and so quick and easy to go find.
SPEAKER_02:The fourth problem of venting is that again, when it becomes habitual, not only does it cause the problem that we just talked about in point three, but also the listener, the head partner, starts picking up and carrying this emotional weight. It isn't even their emotional weight, and we take them out of the role of being that that kind of romance ally and putting them into that kind of caretaker dynamic. And the problem is that we we go from being lover to kind of mother, if you will, or father, and that is not the goal of a romantic relationship. It shifts power dynamics, it can create resentment, decrease attraction, because it's all about regulation, not about being in a loving, caring relationship.
SPEAKER_01:It also, you know, from a from a head perspective, if you're constantly listening to your partner vent complain, then you get to a place where it's just like it's over and over and over and over and over. And and and because your partner feels so unhappy, even if it's not with you, they feel unhappy in the world, and you lack the ability to fix it, then you you start as the head partner to feel like, oh, I'm a bad partner. I'm not I'm not able to help this person. This is not solving their challenges. And we feel like our job is to make our heart partner happy. So uh it can lead to the head feeling very much like they're not doing their job.
SPEAKER_02:Correct, which which really feeds into number five, because now this head partner does things like withdraws or stone walls, it's all out of a protection because they they just they love us, but they're just feeling exhausted. So when they find that they're overwhelmed and they shut down, then the heart is even more upset, and the head says, Well, every time we have a talk, it's just turning into a fight. So now I just avoid it. With that, intimacy and trust decline over time.
SPEAKER_01:I would think that is correct. Those things can can all all five of those things certainly have a big impact. Beverly, you did a wonderful job of explaining the problem. Now what we've got to do is figure out how do we solve it and how do we do it in a way that is useful for both partners so we don't get trapped in that that loop of constant vent.
SPEAKER_02:Randy and I use this technique with couples, and we call it the the 10-minute venting protocol. What it amounts to is limiting the amount of time that a person can vent to their partner. We're not saying that you can't vent, we're saying that when you do it, that you set a timer. That would be probably the best way. Set your phone 10 minutes and tell your partner, okay, go for it. Tell me what happened. And this person can usually the heart can just really jump into it. Because we know there's a 10-minute limit, it helps us to focus, to be more direct with the venting, to cut to the chase to get to the bottom line. And what we really want to encourage, though, is that the listening partner really allows them to vent, doesn't interrupt, doesn't try to fix, and is is ready for whatever kind of burst of energy they might have, perhaps, you know, some crying or or super mad, and just let that person really get everything out. You know, they have 10 minutes, let them do it. Everybody knows the time period, how long this is gonna go on. As we get closer to the 10-minute deadline, the head partner can not just be staring at the clock, but an awareness that, okay, you've got a minute, and we're not there yet, you know, summarize what hit me with it. Right. We've got to wrap this up. You know, he can maybe use a that I keep saying he, but the head partner could could give a uh nonverbal signal that you you've got a minute, wrap it up. And what this tends to do is it allows the couple to get it out of the way so that then they can focus on more important things or focus on things that will now bond the couple together. Remember that when venting goes on too long, those mirror neurons in our brain they feel drained, they start to get defensive. We find that with this 10-minute shorter vent, that couples are able to recover more quickly. They don't feel the overwhelm and exhaustion that they do when it just runs on and on. And it really does help with not solutions, but externally processing, consolidating it. In some ways, it even helps the venting partner with repair because the brain is not in that loop for so long that the problem actually seems a bit smaller now that it's been processed verbally out loud.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely correct. And how many times have we seen it when we work with couples where that heart partner will come in and and they'll just, you know, they'll they'll put everything out there and they're crying and they're uh and and you go, Oh my gosh, what a terrible mess. And they get we get you know kind of all done with that. And the heart partner always walks out and goes, Oh, that was wonderful. Because they just got the opportunity to release all of that emotional energy that they're carrying around with that. This is a prime example of one of the challenges that couples often find when they try traditional counseling, traditional therapy with one person, is the heart gets the opportunity to just process it all, to vent it all out there. But oftentimes, couples will leave that kind of session. The heart feels great. They're like, Oh, it's so wonderful to do this therapy. I think it's helping. I think the counseling is working. It's so wonderful. And the head's like, yeah, I really enjoy going every other week and and spending 50 minutes getting beat up. And and that's what it feels like, because that that venting can be useful for hearts, but not always useful for the head partner that's that's sitting and listening to it. And that's really one of the really good reasons to to minimize that and say, hey, let's give this 10 minutes go. Let's then try and figure out, okay, what do you need after that? It's all out there. Do you need me to help or do you feel better and are you good and and those kinds of things? And it it lets that that couple immediately kind of return to maybe some stasis, and the heart gets the the the words out without the head having to feel like they were um attacked or ineffective because they didn't fix the problem.
SPEAKER_02:Just in closing, then some final questions that perhaps a head could say to offer to the heart would be so what was that need that you had that wasn't being met? And that allows the heart to focus on, hmm, you know, okay, what what really caused me to feel uh anxious or stressed in that moment or angry? The head could ask, what part of what happened was in your control? Was any of it in your control? Because many times things happen and and it's not in anyone's control. And that that can be helpful to realize that, well, I guess, you know, this is something that I don't need to control. And lastly, would be sometimes asking the heart, if your best friend was in this same position, what would you offer to them as advice? Because sometimes the advice we would give our best friend is also the the best advice we need for us. And because hearts and heads look at it differently, a head might tell a best friend different advice than a heart would tell a best friend. So if a head could think of it that way and just prompt those questions, we find that it really does help in this 10-minute to get it out and also close that loop so the heart can go on the rest of the night with it put away.
SPEAKER_01:Absolutely. And head's one one technique helper for the the protocol, the 10-minute vent protocol, is is really to recognize that if your heart partner was venting to their heart best friend, what you would see is a lot of cheerleading, not a lot of fixing. Uh the heart will vent and vent, and uh the other heart will be like, yeah, that sucks, that's horrible, yeah, I agree, and a lot of that. Whereas heads will sit and go, well, what about this or what about that? So recognize that there's that that that misbalance in heart and head when they communicate. And if you can be aware of it, heads, you can really kind of regulate it and manage it so the heart gets the opportunity to vent, processes their emotion, and feels better. And guess what? You can sit there and not say anything, and you are about to become the best listener in in the relationship. And it really helps both of you because now you're fixing the problem without having to do the work.
SPEAKER_02:True, but I would say it does help when there's some acknowledgement. Uh, I do like when Randy would shake his head or say, Oh, that must suck. And some of that is very validating and acknowledging what I'm going through, and those things can can really take it to the next level. So obviously, we we gave a very quick interpretation explanation of the 10-minute venting protocol. So there's a lot more to it, but we did want to provide that next level support. We know that couples seem to be very stressed right now. We're getting a lot of calls, a lot of people reaching out, and we understand that because people are going through a lot of stress all over the world, it seems. So this is something that we wanted to offer to help people in even a small way. And hopefully couples will find that it does help their relationship.
SPEAKER_01:And that's the podcast, Heart Versus Head for this week. Don't forget, check out the Couples Rule Book on Amazon, the Couples Rulebook. 20 Rules for a Better Relationship on Amazon, 99 cents on Kindle right now, 999. If you're buying a paperback because you prefer something in your hand. We really have enjoyed having this conversation with you today. We will talk to you soon on Heart vs. Head.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at Heartand Headcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to Info at Heart and Head Coaching.com.
