Birds of a Feather... Clash Together

In this episode, we're diving into why Hearts are toughest on other Hearts and Heads are more critical of other Heads. If you've ever been judgmental of your children's dating choices or of a co-worker's screw up, then this one is for you. Even though we're hard on our opposite-style relationship partner, why do we seem to be most harsh to those around us who are probably more like us? Like always, hosts Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock explain it through real life examples that are sometimes funny and always thought provoking. Grab your partner and see if you can understand the times in your life where Birds of a Feather Clash Together. #HeartVersusHead

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:06

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_02 0:19

Hey everybody, this is Randy and Beverly. Welcome to Heart versus Head Podcast. Randy, what are we talking about today?

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Well, we we have this interesting dynamic in our relationships, and we're gonna we're gonna break it open a little bit more. So what we talk about is hearts and heads. Hearts are the the partner in the relationship that tends to be more emotionally driven. Hearts tend to really take into account everybody else and how they're feeling about things as they make decisions. Heads, meanwhile, tend to be really logical, black and white, just stuck in thinker mode, and tend to look at facts and making decisions. Now, of course, none of this means that heads don't have feelings. None of this means that hearts aren't intelligent thinkers, it just means that in our relationship we have a preference for how we make decisions. What happens in our relationships, though, is something that's very interesting. And we want to talk about this because we see it certainly in our own relationships with other people. How does heart and head affect maybe how you deal with your kids or how you deal with friends or how you deal with people you meet in the wild that are either a heart or a head, depending on kind of where you're set? So we've noticed some interesting trends with how hearts and heads deal with other hearts and heads. And there are some unique impacts.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

I think one of the areas that uh is is more obvious to us would be the way that we view the people closest to us. So our own personal relationships when it comes to family, to kids, and I think that's where we really started noticing the patterns, which was very helpful then in our practice of coaching clients as well, just being mindful of the issue and and that it can it can surface without knowing or or mildly aware of it.

SPEAKER_00 2:36

The basic premise that we've come to is is heads are tougher on other heads and hearts are tougher on other hearts. There's about a billion examples in our life of this, but let's let's pick one and kind of talk about it and see if we can't explain it a little bit. Um, but most of it comes into play in our relationship when we talk about our kids and certainly our kids and their relationships.

SPEAKER_02 3:06

So well, I'd like to start because it's easier to see things in other people, right? That's why we're always very critical of our partner because we see something so obvious that they're oblivious to. So I want to we'll pick on Randy first. Uh when Oh, good.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

Let's pick on Randy first.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

We've been together for uh 15 years married, and he has one son. One of the things that I always noticed in the early years as I was getting to know Randy and and the dynamics with his adult son was that Randy was very hard on his son. And I would always be defensive of that. In fact, it it drove me crazy sometimes when we would catch dinner or something, and just the dynamic between Randy and his son would make me uncomfortable. And I wasn't even in the conversation, I wasn't the one that it was directed to, but when we left, I was always stressed. And it was because, you know, head on head or or the way that Randy was responding to his son was very different than the way that I, a heart, deal with my children. And I'll let Randy weigh in on that.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

It's absolutely correct. And and it the the most unique irony about it is it really switched for me when I came to the awareness of a fundamental flaw in how I'd been kind of managing or trying to help my son. When Beverly says tough on, it's not that I was critical maybe of him. It was more critical of his choices and things like that, and being tough on him because I had dealt with many of the same things in my own life and and you know, knew how it was for me. And so I naturally made the assumption, and this is this is something we do, I think, as parents, I naturally made the assumption that my son was just like me. And in that regard, I assumed he was making decisions in the same way that I was making decisions, and I went, wait, all those decisions seem to be coming out poorly. So I was critical of that. I assumed that as a head, my son was also head-led. And so I think that because I I thought my son was ahead and I was kind of treating his decision making that way, I was I was tougher on his decision making. And in that regard, Beverly was not because she was always the one of oh, you know, she she always felt like he he needed nurturing nurturing and protection. And so she was in very much in heart mode. Then an interesting thing, over time I realized he's not just like me. He's more heart-led as a person. And when he when I realized he was more heart-led, all of a sudden I was I was just okay with whatever was going on in his world because I I realized I didn't understand it. And so I became maybe less hard on him. And I think it improved our relationship when I when I stopped trying to make him like me and was able to accept that okay, he's different, he's a space alien. Um sorry, reference to another podcast episode. Uh, they're all space aliens. If you haven't heard that one, go catch up on that one. But it really did change the the dynamic. As we saw with with that dynamic, it it affects other relationships too. But let's finish up with kind of how it worked with with maybe the interactions with my son.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

Right. So what from a from a science perspective, heads will judge other heads more harshly, especially when it comes to competence or control standards that are being viewed as unmet. So that that lines up with the science behind it as well, that heads are are the most harsh on other heads. Um, there can be other reasons for that, such as when one head looks at another and they see too much emotion or sloppy reasoning, they can get that attitude of you should know better than that, or sometimes they're just looking for a stronger sense of order or identity in that other head-like person. Sometimes heads will try to outlogic one another, which is the opposite of collaboration. And also sometimes we can be blindsided by seeing something in that person that is like us that reminds us of us.

SPEAKER_00 7:52

Isn't that so true, though? I mean, I think of it as a manager when I was in the work world uh and kind of doing the nine to five and had all these people that reported to me. There were days where, you know, you look across the desk at that other person, you know, they're logical like you are, they they tend to agree with your thinking, et cetera, et cetera. And they've made a mistake and they're sitting in your office across the desk. And I I would be like, come on, man, you know better than that. You gotta do better. You're kind of verbally critical on them. Whereas when an employee that was definitely very different and and heart-led sits in your your office and they're they're sad and you they're crying. Yeah, you try to go, oh, you're you know, it'll be okay. We're gonna work this out and let me be supportive of you. And it tends to work out maybe in a work environment because we don't use a lot of emotion in our work environments, at least as as heads. So it, you know, it tends to work out in a work environment, but you get in your personal relationships and it all of a sudden becomes a lot harder because all of that emotion is coming out and it seems so harsh. So let's move on from talking about my son, because we see this too in how we deal with Beverly's kids and dating, because we've been around them for a long, long time, and we have watched them date the people they date, and we're really very, very fortunate right now because they're both in really good relationships, and we're very much enjoying watching that dynamic of good relationships. But in the past, holy hell! Um I watch it with Beverly's son. She tends to be kind of soft on him and and then tougher on the girls that he dates. Um, historically just kind of harder on them. And and I always thought, oh, it's because she she's a mom and she wants the best for all this stuff. And yet the dynamic is a little bit that that she's softer on her son. Whereas I am maybe not quite looking at it the same way. Um, I tend to be harder on Beverly's daughter and the boys she dates, because I've typically looked at the guys and and kind of been head mode analytical of these other heads out there. I think I'm tougher on the guys that she has dated in the past. So realize heads are tougher on heads, hearts are tougher on hearts, and when you realize that you can maybe hopefully balance it. I don't I don't know that there's a perfect solution. It is how we operate, but there are certainly um solutions that come when you are aware of that dynamic.

SPEAKER_02 10:34

So what hearts are doing is we tend to be harsh when we see emotional or value standards being unmet. And I I think that's where a lot of my relevance comes up is when someone is talking about something, even clients, I will say I do notice that if a client is coming up with something and I see a values violation, I really can't help but jump in on that. If if they say, Oh, I'm doing this for the other person, and and giving examples, and I can, it seems like right away I can spot that and say, no, you're doing that for you. You know, the value is different. Uh they're they're just making that excuse, or that's the way they see it. So I think that one is really resonating for me. I also have high emotional and moral standards myself as a person. So it is very difficult when other people don't have quite that same higher level. And sometimes I I want to pounce on that.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

Um, so sometimes it's a trick because you are, and I and and I am too, we are tougher on the people that have the same relationship style that we do. And so when clients come in and we're we're kind of working together, we have that tendency that I'll be a bit tougher on the head partner and Beverly will be tougher on the heart partner when we see those conflicts of value or logic, um, you know, of emotion or or or logic. We see those conflicts and and we're able to call them out a little bit more. Once again, this is the challenge that you face oftentimes in in couples counseling where you're working with one person because they're going to call out one partner more often than they call out the other partner, because style-wise, they recognize the flaws in their own style, and they don't necessarily see it in that that other style. So it is something that can that can go on there. Let me give you the best example of maybe hearts and heads in how we look at this. And the best example that I can find for some of this is maybe a conversation that Beverly and I had. Let me look here 17 minutes ago, because we are 14 and a half minutes into this particular podcast. So about 17 and a half minutes ago, as we were talking about what we're going to be talking about in the podcast, and we were talking about the examples of maybe using my kid and and Beverly's kids in their relationships just to kind of make the point of how this dynamic affects humans, Beverly says, Well, I don't want anybody to be hurt or scared or worried, or that you're you're mean to the boyfriends, or that I'm mean to the girlfriends. And so she's she's already in the conversation looking out there, making sure everybody's okay. And so to the boyfriends and girlfriends out there, like I said, the all the kids are in great relationships right now and are very happy and we we love y'all. That said, my response when Beverly's like, Oh, I don't want anybody to feel uncomfortable or worried that, you know, you don't like them or I don't like them or any of those things, I'm like, ah, never mind. They'll they'll get over it. Don't worry about it. So I take that very headled approach of, ah, you know, it's right, who cares what they feel about it? And Beverly takes the approach of watching out for everybody else. This is the heart and head dynamic. And so if you're listening to this podcast and you're trying to figure it out, look at the relationships around your relationship. Look at how you both work with your kids and and how you maybe treat the people they date or the the people that are your friends and and your co-workers or the people that work for you and how you treat them. Heart and head has these impacts on all of our relationships in some very interesting ways. And one of those ways, heads are harder on heads, hearts are harder on hearts, and it's kind of the natural way. Now, it doesn't mean we don't need to be nicer humans and all of those things. I'm not giving people a pass to be a jackass, but recognize it and be aware of it.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

We always give tips at the the end of the podcast. So hopefully you've stayed with us throughout, waiting for those nuggets of gold. What we need to do is recognize that we have our own blind sides. And if we are being critical of anyone, really, we should take a step back and look at it from a more objective perspective. And that step back can allow us to perhaps notice if we're feeling a trigger within ourselves, or if this is something that that feels threatening, something that maybe is a personal issue that we could step back and not be not be so harsh with that person. It's probably not fair and it might not even apply to them. Also, what we want to do is recognize that people, again, like space aliens, we're all going to be very different. Perhaps we we share the same values with someone, perhaps it's stronger in one person and less in another, perhaps a different value is more important to them, and that's okay. We need to be able to accept the differences in humans when we look at someone, and and as Randy had said, when he was harsh on his son, you know, or harsh in the in the business world, you should get this, you should do better than this, right? You know, that's that's an example of really pushing that to that deeper level where maybe it's not needed, maybe not as much anyway.

SPEAKER_00 16:22

It really points to the strength of heart and head. When we have trouble in our relationships, people always go, oh, well, maybe I, you know, maybe I got the wrong person. Absolutely not, or or not necessarily. Sure, sometimes you've got the wrong person. But when we look at it that way and we think, oh, if I had somebody that just thinks like I do or feels like I do, it would be better. What we miss is that we don't have the balance that comes from heart and head. And that balance is so critical because when Beverly and I sit down and we talk about the kids or we talk about the people they're dating, and we're able to have the conversation from a perspective of let's try and educate each other on how we see it. We make more balanced decisions. We're more fair with everybody, and the decisions are more balanced. So there's great balance in heart and head.

SPEAKER_02 17:13

Some questions that you might ask yourself to reflect Am I being too harsh on this person? Whatever their style is, is not your issue. You know, this is their life, their journey. Also asking, is what they're doing or saying or feeling, is it harmful or is it just different from the way I would do it? You could ask yourself, is this objectively flawed, or does it just challenge my identity or the way that I would do it? Focus on their worth and realize that just because they do it differently doesn't make them inferior. And lastly, if you feel like you have to say something, instead of just telling someone you're wrong or directly coming at them, you might just say, Well, I see it differently. That kind of energy is more constructive and really does preserve the relationship where you could be more collaborative and perhaps come up with something that is more helpful to that person and not just a straight conflict with them. I know with my own daughter, where I tend to be harsh on her, I do more listening and openness, acknowledging, validating. And then if I feel like I need to say something, I say it in a very uh Socratic way where I pose questions just for her to think about. And then whatever she says, I respect.

SPEAKER_00 18:35

And that hopefully helps you recognize what's going on in some of your relationships. Relationships. That's the Heart versus Head podcast for today. One real quick thing, folks, do us a favor. Uh, as Beverly and I have mentioned in the past, we absolutely love doing this podcast. We love helping couples uh manage things. You can check out our coaching website at heartandheadcoaching.com. You can send us questions at info at heart and headcoaching.com, and we're always happy to address your questions here on the podcast. But we want you to do us a favor if you could, as listeners out there, make sure you like the podcast, make sure you you follow or subscribe or whatever it is the on the on whatever particular platform you're you're listening to us on. Give us a follow, give us a like, give us a comment, give us a thumbs up, let us know you're alive out there. We know there's lots and lots of you, and we want to continue to grow this podcast because that keeps us doing it, keeps us able to keep it free and make it so that there's just good information out there. So very much appreciate all of you as listeners. That's the podcast. We'll talk to you soon on Heart vs. Head.

SPEAKER_01 19:50

Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at Heart and Head Coaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at Heart and Head Coaching.com.