Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples fight better and connect again.
Heart Versus Head
I Wanna Be Important
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If you've ever felt like your partner put other things ahead of you... then you're going to want to listen to this episode of Heart Versus Head. Randy and Beverly talk about how to make your partner a priority, especially when human chaos breaks out - like it often does around the holidays. Prioritizing your relationship is the key to its survival but it isn't as hard as it seems. This is yet another area where Hearts are a bit crazy and Heads can seem like narcissists. Get ready to prioritize! And if this one connects with you, remember to like, subscribe, follow, comment and tell a friend or 18. #HeartVersusHead #TheCoupleRulebook #RelationshipPriorities
Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.
Welcome to Heart versus Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01:Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. Not everybody had a great Thanksgiving.
SPEAKER_02:We hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. But we've also talked to some of y'all, and maybe you didn't.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, maybe uh expectations weren't met, communication wasn't solid, conflicts happened. Today we're talking about we should make our partner a priority.
SPEAKER_02:Oh, priority. That's that's rule number eight. Your partner must be a priority from the couple's rule book. We'll talk about that today. For those of you that are new to the program, thanks for thanks for tuning in. Glad you found us, and and hopefully we can help get your relationship solid, easier, maybe a better, better way. So Beverly and I are a married couple. We've been married for 15 plus years now. We are relationship coaches out of Honolulu, Hawaii, where we've worked with clients uh here and around the world, helping couples learn to communicate and understand relationship styles. We focus on heart and head in our relationship. Beverly is the heart, she's a great big heart. So she makes decisions in our relationship based on how everybody feels about things. I am the head partner in our relationship. So I make decisions based on facts and logic and all of those things. Head partners are typically the ones that people go, oh, that's that's a narcissist. They don't care about other people. Heart partners are typically the ones where the other partner goes, oh, that that's the crazy one that's irrational and overcome with all the emotion. Neither of those things is necessarily true, but it's certainly how it feels sometimes. So we're gonna we're gonna talk about things from a heart versus head perspective. When you understand heart and head, you're really able to communicate a lot better. And Beverly, that's where we got some emails after the Thanksgiving holiday, and we know we'll get a ton more headed through the the holiday season. It's a stressful time because there's just so much pressure on it. There's so much expectation of how it's going to be wonderful and all of these things. And you get a bunch of people involved, and sometimes it's not wonderful. You get a bunch of people sitting around eating and drinking and uh and maybe haven't seen each other and uh and it it can turn into a lot and puts a lot of pressure on relationships themselves. So you you mentioned rule number eight being a priority. Let's talk about that a little bit. What uh what comes to your mind when it comes to being a priority and why that's so important, Barely?
SPEAKER_01:So I think people in relationships tend to do okay until the big disruption. And of course, a holiday like Thanksgiving, all of a sudden, my family, your family, there's uh different people making requests, there's emotions, anxiety, and guilt and stress, and and on top of what Randy said of you know, add alcohol and and large groups and introversions, and there's all kinds of things that can cause havoc during what's supposed to be just a nice family holiday get together.
SPEAKER_02:Should be easier, darn it. Let me read you something out of the the couple's rule book from this this rule your partner must be your priority, rule number eight. When your partner feels that your job, the mortgage, the kids, the laundry, poker night, girls' night out, the fishing trip, Xbox, or the smartphone is more important than they are. Your relationship's headed for trouble. I'll read it again. When your partner feels that your job, the mortgage, the kids, the laundry, poker night, girls' night out, the fishing trip, Xbox or the smartphone is more important than they are, you are headed for trouble. See, the most important part of that is the part that says when your partner feels. It doesn't have to be true. It merely has to be believed. If your partner feels that way, then trouble's coming. When we seem to be in these holiday environments where we're paying attention because we haven't seen Aunt Betty in 14 years, um, because she's been in rehab or whatever, whatever the situation is when all of these things are going on, and we maybe give a little uh a time to to Aunt Betty and our partner's like, Well, I I wanted to spend time with you. It's an important holiday, and I wanted to hang out, or all these things. It feels, I think, to the heart, and and correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't understand hearts, I'm a head, but I think it feels to the heart like that person or that other thing has been put in front of them. And I don't think heads really necessarily prioritize it that way. Sometimes we should and and pay more attention to it, but I don't think it's ever the intention to kind of make our partner feel left out or less than the top priority, but it happens all the time.
SPEAKER_01:Right. I think the difference is that heads are very comfortable being more independent and not so much the the team. I know even in my first marriage, uh, there were times where we headed out for a holiday and and rang the doorbell, and you know, it was his family, and I didn't really know anyone, and and he went, you know, jumping in through the door and lots of hugs and welcomes. And meanwhile, I'm I'm standing and the door shuts, you know, and you're like, wow, hello. Now what do I do?
SPEAKER_02:Chop the liver out here on the on the on the porch. It's starting to snow. It's cold.
SPEAKER_01:And you know, so it can it can feel very alone and uh ignored. And so the better approach would have been to maybe hold hands, you know, for my partner to recognize this is my family and and to kind of push me forward, introduce me if I don't know people, make sure that people know that, hey, I'm your priority. And if I'm if if that's true and they see that through gestures, nonverbally even, then they're gonna go, oh, okay, we're we're gonna pay attention to her because we know she's with you. Obviously, you're a priority. And I think that's something that you, Randy, have done better maybe than my my first husband, because there have been very few times where we've been somewhere and and you didn't put your arm around me or or somehow gesture that that I was with you and very important to you. And so I think that that is kind of one area where it can come up. I think another area would be the the communication, a lot of expectations on hearts. We're always thinking, oh, it's gonna look like this or look like that. And when it doesn't, uh it it makes us anxious, we feel disconnected, and so none of those things are are good for relationships.
SPEAKER_02:It's really about communicating those expectations up front. But then we end up in this situation where you know nobody intends to hurt the other person, and and it just kind of naturally happens because when you're in a social environment, like a Thanksgiving dinner with a big family. Uh best example, you know, this year we we we had guests. Um, so we were doing kind of the the family get-together Thanksgiving thing, but because the kids are dating, we we occasionally have new people that that come in and out of the the world as they go through relationships. And so I think for for some of us that have been around the family, your your family specifically, I think for some of us that have been around your family, we get pretty used to how things are. And I get pretty used to if there's a new person, then s at some point in a a few days together, the old home movies are gonna break out and everybody's gonna have to sit around and watch home movies. And I'm like, oh man, if I have to see these home, because I'm not in them. Uh Beverly and I have been together for 15 years, but these are from when the kids were little and they're in their 30s now, so I'm not in them. I don't remember any of these people or these events or these moments or these places or any of these things. And so I go, oh, okay. Well, I don't matter. I'll sit over here and act like I'm enjoying this. And so then I always tend to connect with sometimes the new people. Not not necessarily the new people don't want to see the movies, they like it, but then we have other significant others who have been around long enough that they've seen the movies at least once, if not 48 times. And so, you know, I know that or I assume in my mind that they're going through the same thing I am. And so, you know, now I've found that I can kind of break off with those people and and maybe maybe help them help them through it. But it it feels left out as a head. I it doesn't really bother me. I go, okay, I get it. But hearts, it it affects them. And I think that's what you're talking about, you know, with your your ex when you would go and he's all of a sudden it's like old home week, everybody's great and together and family and has all these shared experiences and these stories. And do you remember that time that you know Uncle Uncle Bill fell down the stairs and everything, you know, and you just sit there going, Wait, I I feel left out. I don't feel like a priority. It it you have to be aware of it in these in these situations, and I think that's where I've tried to bring you in because I recognize even in my first marriage, did not do that well, did not do that well at all. My ex, I'd go socialize. It was what I did, and she wasn't a socializer, and so off I went. And I realized that's but that probably wasn't the way to do that. And so I didn't want to do that in our relationship, certainly. Um, you should learn something from all your bad relationships. And and so I try to make you included, and I I want you to know that you are my priority, and that's true over all of it. It's true over the podcast, it's true over work, it's true over sports, it's true over everything else, and it doesn't mean I don't work and I don't do the podcast and I don't watch sports and I don't, you know, all the other stuff that I do. But I always try to be very cognizant of the fact that you're the priority. That doesn't mean I do it right all the time either, because we screw it up, and I know there are times, probably constant times, that you don't feel like the priority.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And I think in either situation, either the head or the heart might be pulled in a direction where perhaps I'm connecting with the kids over their baby photos and and not necessarily recognizing that Randy's seen them 10 times. But in either of these situations where we're being pulled in a direction, I think it's good to be mindful that you and your partner are a team and to recognize that when you create that foundation of consistency, of being there for them, paying attention to them, making sure that they feel that they're chosen and valued and considered. I think those things are are foundational and they're they're very important because in the team that we are as a couple, there is this relationship that we've we've built. And it's it's very important. It's probably the most important relationship you'll ever have. If if I'm feeling anxious or or left out, then that's something that I could use your help with.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and here's one of the ways it gets screwed up because you're right, but hearts have a a tendency to test instead of just saying, hey, I'm feeling like I'm not a priority right now, the heart's tendency is to to test what they're feeling. And so there's this thing that hearts do that kind of goes in the category of a little bit crazy, where when you're not feeling like a priority, the tendency is to come up with something important, come up with some kind of emergency. I'm making little air quotes, some kind of emergency so that I will as the head partner respond to the emergency. It's like it's like trying to get me to engage again because there's a crisis. So, you know, we're we're doing something social and it's the heart partner that will have that tendency to go, oh yeah, I have uh we need to go home now. I have I have a headache or things aren't good, or something is, you know, I'm worried about the dog, and and the dog threw up, and we need to go home. And it's like these tests to say, okay, what are your priorities? You know, what are your priorities right now? And those tests are what makes it seem crazy because at some point it's not even logical, it seems over the top. Some of these tests, it would seem to me as a head that it would be better if the heart would just go, hey, look, I'm feeling needy right now. Because I think most of the time heads will respond to that by saying, Oh, okay, well, uh, what do you need? And I I'm happy to provide that.
SPEAKER_01:But there's another example of that too, where I know this happened in my first marriage where we were visiting family and something was said that was very uh critical of me. And it it just triggered me right away. And so I just looked at my first husband and said, Okay, we're, you know, we're leaving. And I just gathered up the children, gathered up their things, and and he was completely confused. And he was just like, Oh, well, uh, thank you everyone for having us. And we walked out the door, and we're in the car driving off, and he's like, What was that? What just happened in there? And you know, it's it's hard because as a heart, you know, I feel that emotion. And I I back in my 30s, I couldn't just correct that back then. I didn't know all the things I know now. And so I just had to leave. And I I wasn't just gonna walk out the door. I there was no way for our for me to explain that to him in that moment. But uh I sure appreciated that he he did that. He went with me, you know.
SPEAKER_02:Well, sure. I mean, that and that shows that that you were the priority. I think what you want in the moment though, too, is for your partner to stand up for you and show that that you are the priority.
SPEAKER_01:Right. Like that's not cool. You know, tell the people, hey, that's not cool, that was hurtful, why'd you do that?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and I I think, you know, maybe hopefully I I think the younger generations are much better at that. Good and bad, um, but but a little bit better of going, you know, calling people out and saying, hey, you can't you can't say that thing to that that person, you can't speak like that to humans, stop doing that. Where our generation, Gen X, is less good at doing that. We trained our kids well to to begin to call out crap, but the boomer generation, older generations, it's even it's even less acceptable. You just don't call anybody out, you just have to respect your elders and uh and so you know I think people are getting better at calling stuff out, and maybe that maybe that'll help solve some of this priority thing, because when somebody stands up for you and protects you like a partner should in an environment like that, you certainly are a priority.
SPEAKER_01:Love doesn't really erode from conflict, which is what we all think. Oh, had a big fight and we broke up. It actually erodes more from neglect. And I think that is a lot of our client base where we're we're talking to a lot of hearts who are saying there's no connection, I feel like roommates, I had an affair because I just felt like there was nothing between us anymore.
SPEAKER_02:That's super, super important because you even see it in studies with like abused children. The outcomes are better for kids that are physically abused than they are typically for for kids that are emotionally neglected. Kids that are emotionally emotionally neglected are less able to define their value, whereas kids that are physically abused can at least in their in their mind go, oh, okay, they notice me, they they see that I'm here. I'm not none of those things are good, but you're right. Love people avoid fights for this reason and arguments and stuff, and and you have to recognize that it's important to be able to have conflict with your partner in a way that helps improve your relationship.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, there's a lot of reasons that you should prioritize your partner. I mean, just from a mental psychological standpoint, it it helps deal with insecurity, anxieties. It allows us to feel like we're part of that team, that we're gonna approach things together. It prevents resentment or the the drift when couples just slowly drift apart. So we want to be active in your relationship. You don't want to just be passive and and let the thing drift away. It's almost like uh, I go to my metaphors and it's it's the garden idea of of reaping what you sow. You know, if you have this relationship and then you put all your attention on work and that's where all your energy goes, yeah, work's gonna flower and be beautiful, but your relationship at home is gonna wither away and die if it doesn't just you know leave and go to the next house.
SPEAKER_02:Well, and heads are heads are terrible gardeners, not the in the metaphor. We can grow stuff, but we're we're terrible gardeners in the fact that a lot of times the the head will get in a relationship and they go, Yay, okay, I've got that. Check, need it, need relationship in my life, check, have that. That person's there, they understand me, they get me, they know why I'm working so hard over here at my job, and I they know it's for loom, and all of a sudden, you know, turn all our attention. That's a very rejected feeling for a heart when all of a sudden the head goes, Hey, I got other stuff to do. Uh, and and that heart's not gonna feel like a priority. Heads, even if you're doing other stuff, keep your heart partner that priority.
SPEAKER_01:Some quick tips uh would be one thing Randy does is uh about once a month he'll say, We should get married today, which is really comical to me because we've been married for 15 years. It's his way of letting me know each time he says that that he chooses me again that day. So find a way that you can remind your partner. Could be something silly or cute, or just a way that you remind them that you choose them again today. I'm glad I'm with you. I sure made a good decision back then. The other thing you can do is remember that being with them is is important, but it doesn't have to be hours and hours and days that you're together. It's it's these little moments, even something that maybe looking into your eyes without interrupting them, listening when they're talking to you, matching tone. Uh these are all things that really bond through that uh mirror neurons and it causes that bonding feeling. It's a great way to strengthen that reward. There's also things like having a coffee together every morning. It's something Randy and I do. It's when we have these structured things that we do. It creates that connection through these rituals, and that gives us expectation and that builds emotional intimacy. And then really lastly, it's about little things, new things that we do together, seeing a new movie, going to a new concert, new restaurant. Anytime that we have these little shared moments that are new, we're we're creating this together and we're building that bonding. So it doesn't have to be time consuming. You can do things, they call them in microseconds, just a quick peck on the cheek, just a even a quick hug just lets people know, hey, I see you, I'm here, we're connected. And the studies show it helps you to release oxytocin, soften cortisol. You're both gonna feel so much better, so much more connected. Because at the very heart of humans is really this fear of being alone, being kicked out of the tribe, the group, and and that a long time ago, Neanderthal man, that meant you weren't gonna live. So we all have a bit of this need to know that we belong, that we're connected, that we're someone's priority.
SPEAKER_02:A simple tip for for the head partner out there, one of the things that I talk with a lot of my head clients about is sometimes it's really effective to say to your heart partner, hey, when I was at work today, I was thinking about that time we did that thing. That time we did whatever, some connected moment. When I was at work today, I was thinking about you. When I was playing golf today, I was remembering that that really funny thing you said the other day. These kinds of things can reinforce that even when you're doing something else, you're thinking about your person, it just in casual conversation tends to over time reinforce that connection and that that priority ranking. It's like Beverly said, I always talk about we should get married today. And at first, Beverly was like, You're an idiot. Um we're we're already married. And now, 15 years later, of me banging that that out there every once in a while, Beverly's using it as an example on a podcast of oh, this is one of the ways that I know that Randy's thinking about me. Yeah, it's corny. That's cute, but it works. Yeah. That's the podcast for today, Heart versus Head. Thanks everybody for tuning in. You want to learn more about making your partner a priority? Go check out Rule Number Eight in the Couples Rule Book. Which is really cheap this month. It's on Amazon and it's on sale. The Couples Rule Book, you can get it for 99 cents on Kindle. You can get it for$9.99 as paperback and have it in your hand. It makes a wonderful Christmas gift for humans who are dealing with relationships. That's most everybody you know. And uh check out the Couples Rule Book on Amazon. That's Heart versus Head for this time around. We'll talk to you in a week. Beverly, it was wonderful to see you. Let's let's go get married.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at Heartandheadcoaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at Heart and Head Coaching dot com.
