Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples fight better and connect again.
Heart Versus Head
Proximity is Not Connection
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Just 'cuz you're sitting together... doesn't mean you're connected. The Head partner often has the feeling that being in the same space is 'good enough' as a means of connection. Watching TV together is not bad but it's not real connection. You've got to dig a little deeper and really connect to keep a relationship growing. In this episode of Heart Versus Head, Randy and Beverly give some examples of ways couples can connect again. #HeartVersusHead #RelationshipGoals #ProximityIsNotConnection
Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.
Welcome to Heart versus Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.
SPEAKER_01:Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the podcast. Today we're going to be talking about how connection is not proximity. So we'll explain that. Stay with us.
SPEAKER_02:If you haven't you haven't listened to Heart versus Head before, if you're new, welcome. And uh thanks for tuning in. Tell your friends if you enjoy the conversation. We're here to get conversations started between you and your partner, help improve communication. The way we say it is we're going to teach you how to fight better. You are two different people, you and your partner. You're always going to have differences. What we have learned is those differences come from your different relationship styles. In almost all relationships that we've come across, one partner takes on the role of the head partner. One partner takes on the role of the heart partner. These are not gender specific, though in older couples you will see more men in the head role. That's changing as gender roles are changing in the world. So even in same-sex relationships, you're going to see one partner with a head role and one partner with a heart role. And uh heads are typically operating from a logical perspective: black, white, right, wrong. This is how we're going to do it. I'm the head in our relationship. Heart partners are the ones that are taking into account everybody's feelings when decisions are being made. That's the difference, basically, between heart and head. And if you want to learn more about it, there's about 50 other episodes of this podcast that you can catch up on. We also wrote a book called The Couple's Rule Book. You can find that on Amazon and in uh 2026 new book coming out. Uh, we'll talk about that when the time comes. Beverly, you said we want to talk about proximity and uh how proximity is not connection and how connection is not proximity.
SPEAKER_01:Sure. So uh we'll start with an example. One of the things that Randy and I noticed early on in our relationship is that we would do things like watch a football game together on the couch, and Randy is a big Bronco fan. Go Broncos. And I am not. But I especially in the early days, I would look at those opportunities as times that we could sit together and enjoy something. And and so we would sit on the couch and watch the game. And then four hours later, the game's over. And Randy says, What's next? And I say, Oh, you know, maybe let's go for a nice walk together, or maybe sit and have have dinner, uh, like a candlelight dinner or something, because we we haven't really been able to connect. And Randy would look at me and go, What? We just spent four hours together. And some listeners might say, Absolutely, that's connection. What is she talking about? And other listeners are probably kind of from my standpoint of what I'm saying is I think as fans, if I really were a strong Bronco fan and and then we shared that football game together, it might count as connection because I I care enough maybe about the Broncos that we're we're sharing in those those successes. We're, you know, we're grieving over the losses and so forth. But because I don't like football and Randy knows that, I'm sitting there just to spend time maybe with him. And to me, it's not connection at all.
SPEAKER_02:Well, it's because it no matter what happens, and this is this is helpful for heads, no matter what happens, my brain is focused on the football game, even if we're having a conversation, if something goes on. This isn't it isn't just about you know sports or any of that. These distractions that that we engage in sometimes can include everything like you know, sitting on social media on your couch. I mean, how many times in a relationship have have you and I, Beverly, sat on opposite ends of a couch, both of us with with our laptop open or our phone out, I think heads get the idea that somehow that sitting on the couch together is this wonderful connected time. And for hearts, it it's it's not it's not connection because there's not that human interaction going on.
SPEAKER_01:Right. I I I've even caught Randy saying this before, where because we work together and we have separate offices, separate rooms, and I might spend six hours, eight hours in my office with different clients, Randy the same, and at the end of the day, I'll say, Let's hang out, I haven't seen you all day, and he'll say, What? We were together all day.
SPEAKER_02:We just spent all day together, we work together, we're you know heads. I I got this wrong, and I continue to to kind of screw it up, I think, in our relationship, Beverly. We we we have talked about it, we coach people about it, we understand it, and it is still a very, very big challenge to to make sure that and and I think part of that is you know my own ADHD, and and I think most people out there have some level of that going on, especially nowadays where our our devices, our phones are so intrusive and always there. I think that it's just it's really hard for my brain to slow down enough to reach that point of connection with you. But heads, be a be aware of this. This is really important in your relationship because if you can connect with your partner, you're going to solve a lot of the challenges that you have in your relationship. And heads are are constantly frustrated. They're in our office and and generally in my office, complaining later that you know, oh, the that my heart partner doesn't get me and all of these things. If you're looking for an answer to resolve your relationship challenges, connecting with your heart partner is the solution. So many times, Hedger, like, I don't is there a book on this? How do I figure out my partner? Why is this so difficult? Connect with them. A connected heart is is amazing, and that's the thing. When Beverly feels connection from me, she is the best partner I can imagine having. And when she doesn't feel connected, she is the craziest human that I could be married to. And I'm sorry, that's just the simple of it. I love this woman immensely, and she knows that I just have a really difficult time connecting. And some of that's, you know, ADHD, and my brain just, oh, look, a squirrel, the cat, the phone, the the computer, the television, whatever. My brain just gets distracted too easily, and you you've got to bring it back around if you're gonna connect with that heart partner, and it will change your relationship.
SPEAKER_01:I also would like to point out that it's not about spending every minute together, it's not about having a deep intensity. I know my first husband and I were kind of two hearts, and there would be times where we did have that really intense closeness. However, looking back on that, there there was a lot of codependency in that relationship. So I want to reassure heads that we're not talking about something that feels maybe smothering or or two-time inclusive, but rather it's about feeling safe with your partner and it's about really kind of being in tune with one another and kind of that meaning that we assign to these things. So let's jump ahead to solution. Let's talk about what some of these things might look like.
SPEAKER_02:How do we fix it, Beverly?
SPEAKER_01:One thing is this idea of parallel presence. So, what that might mean is just sitting together and and reading. But it's done in a way where maybe we're sitting closer together, not two different rooms, or maybe we're going for a walk together. We don't necessarily have to talk, we're just enjoying being out in nature, might include holding hands, could be even cooking. Cooking can be something that we're both doing and and maybe talking and sharing that together. But it it doesn't always have to be the talking, it can be just hanging out together, a quiet, shared presence, and it allows our nervous system to co-regulate, and it just allows for that safe attachment experience. So that would be an example, maybe where it's it's just something we do, it's easy, but we're we're setting that intent that this is kind of a uh an evening together, this is what we're doing. Perhaps there's a moment where where I share part of the book that I'm reading or something, and so there is some additional connection with that.
SPEAKER_02:But not a pressure-filled we have to stare at one another. These moments can be so important and and and bond you. As Beverly says, you know, when we're both sitting on the couch, one of the most effective things we can do is is turn off the devices and settle in without the electronics. However, sometimes that's not even possible. If you're working on something, I'm writing or whatever. It can help a lot just to have a little physical contact. I find, you know, sometimes I I reach my hand out and Beverly will hold my hand sitting on the couch and things like that. And that physical contact can bring some of that back around. Now, best case scenario is you have the opportunity to turn off all the noise and just be together. And sometimes reading a book, a real actual in-your-hand book, doesn't have as much, I think, noise. So it's a it's a great idea. Any other suggestions, Beverly?
SPEAKER_01:Sure. So there are other things that can fit in those categories of shared rituals, things that we do that make us feel safe. So couples will engage in maybe weekly check-ins or maybe daily, such as a morning goodbye hug, maybe in the evening checking in what went well today. Those things are predictable. We we know that we're gonna have that moment of connection, eyeball to eyeball, that moment where we we know no matter how crazy our day was, that we can kind of anchor into one another, returning to one another. I know Randy and I really work hard to do a second cup of coffee together every morning, and that way I just always know there's that moment. It doesn't have to be long. It's just that predictable daily check-in.
SPEAKER_02:And Beverly says second cup of coffee for a reason. It's because both of us are probably monsters until we've got the first cup of coffee in and working with a little caffeination. So it it does kind of help to give everybody the opportunity to be fully awake.
SPEAKER_01:Now, another idea would be what about for couples that have drifted apart? And they say, well, sure, all these ideas sound great for couples that are are connected already. But if you're finding yourself in the relationship drifted apart, I would recommend finding something that you could learn together, like a skill cooking class, go to a retreat, a workshop. There are things that you could do, maybe uh a number of steps. So, you know, we have a weekly challenge as a couple, we're gonna go for walks and get this many steps in. But when we do things together, when we have this growth experience, it's it's meaningful not only from the dopamine, sometimes the novelty of doing something different, but then that bonding of attachment that we're going to do this together. It's not an individual goal. So those are things that I I think any couple could do, but especially those that have drifted apart or find themselves with an empty nest.
SPEAKER_02:And that gave us a shared mission, but it made those moments of connection so few and far between. And then you've got to come back and repair that when the kids are gone, and we look across the table at that partner and we're like, wait, do I even know this person anymore? And because neither partner now is getting the connection from the kids, getting the connection from, you know, even all the activities and the friends that you see at the soccer games and all of these things, when that connection begins to wane because you're now just a couple again and it's just the two of you, this is even more important. You've got to get back to spending time together, not just spending time in the same location.
SPEAKER_01:There's one here for couples that are in conflict. So let's say that maybe there's some bickering or arguments, and perhaps we we weren't our best self, maybe we said things that we regret. So does that build just a wall? Is that is that impossible to come back from? And that that's not not true. In fact, if we can learn how to fight better, it actually makes the better, makes the relationship better because we we know how to how to get through things together. If that's happened, you can go and approach your person and you might take responsibility without being defensive. You can open up with things like, I can see how I hurt you, wasn't my intent. Can we talk about what happened? Maybe you could say I was short earlier, I really wasn't mad, I was just overwhelmed, can we reset? And all of these suggestions for conflict, what it does is it takes us out of that cortisol and kind of fight or flight and puts us into that parasympathetic nervous system, which allows us to kind of restore regulation individually and and as a couple. So trust isn't built by never fighting, trust is built by knowing how to repair. So instead of those walls, maybe we're we're, you know, having a bridge, or you know, if we built a bit of a wall, it's about taking kind of that wall back down. And that is how we learn that our relationship is safe, even when things go wrong.
SPEAKER_02:It's a great suggestion. Any others before we wrap up, Beverly?
SPEAKER_01:Those are are some basic ideas. I think that what you're really looking for is in the relationship, we're looking for safety. It helps us to feel calm. We're looking for those mirror neurons to fire, fire along with your partner, connect. And we're looking for that dopamine oxytocin, especially when we find little rewards in it, where maybe we're telling our partner, wow, I I really appreciated you having my back the other day, or you know, in parenting to say, oh, hey, we're we're that team, we're we're a great couple because we can we can parent and and not let the kids pull us apart, but rather present that consistent front. Those are very important things that at the end of the day, what we want to get across to our mind is that this is a relationship where I feel safe and where I belong. And if you can get that with your partner, I think it's gonna make a world of difference. You're gonna, you're gonna stay together, you're gonna be happier overall. And these are just a few little things that you can do that perhaps will shift the way that you think about your day-to-day relationship.
SPEAKER_02:All right, that's the podcast this time around. Don't forget, check out the couple's rule book on Amazon. You can also like, comment, follow, share this podcast. Uh, that always helps us out to keep putting out great free content for you and ways to improve your relationship because we love helping. Have a conversation with your partner, sit down, listen to this podcast together and connect over some of these ideas. I think that's what we're we're trying to get people to do. Uh, that is the podcast. For those of you that are out there uh listening to this hot and fresh, uh, happy holidays, Merry Christmas. That's the one we celebrate. But if you celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Eid or any of the other uh holidays that are all going on around this time, happy holidays to you. And uh we will talk to you next time on Heart vs. Head.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at Heart and Head Coaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at Heart and Head Coaching dot com.
