Heart Versus Head
A podcast that helps couples fight better and connect again.
Heart Versus Head
You Change So I Can Be Happy
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In this episode, Randy and Beverly help couples explore why we put so much pressure on our partners and ourselves when it comes to happiness. When it is someone's responsibility to make you happy... they're going to let you down. Not because they don't love you but because they're human too. How can couples break the cycle and find their happiness again?
Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again.
Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Kredit.
SPEAKER_02:Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly. Welcome to the Heart versus Head Podcast.
SPEAKER_01:Hey Beverly. Good morning. How are you? Good after uh a night of power outage, but we're here. The power went out and um Oh no, what if we didn't have power?
SPEAKER_03:I guess a lot of our listeners that are on the East Coast as we talk about power outages here. The East Coast was experiencing some power outages this week, too, but it was like 12 degrees. Here in Hawaii, when you have a power outage, it's 70 degrees outside and it's it's only dark, and that's really the big inconvenience.
SPEAKER_01:So well, I just meant like we wouldn't be able to do a podcast without electricity.
SPEAKER_03:What would you do without if if this was like you know 1848? You don't have a podcast. What do you have? Like a newspaper column? You send the pigeons. Oh, pigeons messenger pigeons. What in the heck? So enough about power outages. What are we talking about on the podcast today?
SPEAKER_01:We're talking about why do we always look to our partner to bring us happiness? And I know we've done, you know, your job is not to make me happy, but this is a different take on that. So stay tuned.
SPEAKER_03:It's about how, you know, kind of as head partners, we try to try to be successful by making our partner happy, and how heart partners so often count on other people to to change or to do things differently so that the heart partner can be happy. Um it's a bit of a challenge for both partners. We'll we'll explore that a little bit. But if you're new to the podcast and you're going, okay, what's a heart partner? What's a head partner? Beverly, what uh what are heart and head partners all about?
SPEAKER_01:Heart partners make decisions around people and head partners look at logic.
SPEAKER_03:That's basically the the premise of the podcast. I am the head partner in our relationship. Beverly is the heart partner. She's a great big uh great big feeler and is always monitoring everybody else and how they feel about things. Me, I'm just like, what's right, what's wrong, who cares how anybody feels about it, and that's kind of the difference between heart and head. So let's talk about expecting people to change in order to make you happy. Uh it seems like we both uh have that tendency, heads and hearts, uh maybe in a little bit different way. Um, but what's what's your take on all of this?
SPEAKER_01:I want to start with an example and and might as well pick on our own. So this is Oh good.
SPEAKER_03:I didn't know we were picking on our own.
SPEAKER_01:Yep.
SPEAKER_03:Okay. Gotta just start at home. What more do we need to tell listeners about our relationship?
SPEAKER_01:Hey, yes, you learn from from problems. This is how we learn so much. There's so much experience here.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, this and m and what I think most people are realizing is there's so much experience here because we've screwed it up in our own relationship, and that that kind of helps us help other people do it a little bit differently and better. Go ahead, Beverly. What's the story of happiness?
SPEAKER_01:Basically, there was a a time in our relationship where I had this pattern going on where I would reach out to a friend and and would do maybe a little bit of uh venting about Randy and say, you know, if Randy would just do this, I I would be happy. If Randy would just do that, I would be happy. You know, what's up with him? Why does he do this? And that really good friend looked at me and said, Why are you waiting for your partner to change? Don't base your life on other people. And it just kind of hit me right square in the eyes, nailed, you know?
SPEAKER_03:Truth is truth. Truth is hard. Right. What do you think what struck you about it though when that person said that?
SPEAKER_01:Well, just that it was true. I I didn't think that I was blaming other I didn't see it at all. You know, I do this work. I really just did not see that. And and she was right, you know, every sentence out of my mouth was Randy, Randy, Randy. And what I should have been doing was looking at my own life, my own self. I mean, again, that podcast is out there. Our partner's job is not to make us happy. So I knew that part. I wasn't looking for Randy to make me happy, but I was sure looking for Randy to make a lot of changes.
SPEAKER_03:Randy, it is tough, and I I think, you know, hearts often do that. And and in our relationship, part of the challenge is we both have very different needs when it comes to expectations of a day. And so a lot of my need and security is sitting around a lot, and a lot of your need and variety is getting out and doing things. And I think it's always been one of those conflict areas or or potentially conflict areas within our relationship. Now that we understand it, we manage it incredibly well. But when we didn't understand it, it was tough because it, you know, it always felt to me as the head partner, you know, I know your your your friend was telling you, don't count on your partner, but it always felt to me as the head partner that you were counting on me, that you were expecting me to change, that, you know, and so it became this pressure to do different or do better, but it wasn't how my brain was sitting in my head and what it wanted to do. And so it creates even this internal conflict for me where I begin to feel like I'm a bad partner because I can't change, I can't do these things that Beverly wants me to do. And so it it really has impact when one partner or both partners sit around waiting on the other partner for their happiness.
SPEAKER_01:To not be so hard on ourselves, because this is actually a very common human pattern. So let's explain kind of what's going on beneath the scene, and then we'll give the solution at the end if you've been following us or not. You're always looking for those tips.
SPEAKER_03:If you haven't been following us, a real quick suggestion that you might go out and follow this podcast, like this podcast, tell a friend about this podcast. But Beverly's right, we do set it up that way where we kind of present a maybe a conversation that you and your partner can have about the issues that we're talking about and a little bit different perspective and a little different take on it, and then some solutions for you at the end. And as always, we try to keep it pretty short so that the people kind of get a quick hit of relationship help whenever they need it. But it does help us if you tell your friends like, subscribe, share us on uh your social, and and uh let people know about us. We're we're enjoying doing this. But uh go ahead, Beverly.
SPEAKER_01:So, as social scientists, what we know about humans is that from an evolutionary and neurological perspective, we do look to the people around us, the closest people, as primary regulation figures. I mean, think about a baby, they're looking to their parents for all of their regulation. And so what happens is even though we're adults, we very much part of the time are kind of that inner child, kind of that person that still looks from the outside for regulation, especially if we didn't learn that in childhood. And we know that a lot of people have things like attachment problems and nervous system regulation problems and so forth. So basically, our nervous system wants that co-regulation. We're looking at that partner. So when something feels wrong, our brain says, what outside of me needs to change so I can feel better. It's not going to automatically say, What can I do different? So it's it's our biology. And then that really factors into where safety and love go hand in hand, and we start looking at that partner, you know, this intimate partner, and we know that they've created that that safety and love before, probably many times. And so we think, well, if they would just do something different, my pain and suffering, my hurt would stop. So, of course, we're gonna look to that other person, and and that just is what we've always done. So, what we really want to talk about today is how do we break that loop? And it's this is very much a heart and head problem because hearts, the first thing that we're gonna do is we're gonna feel the emotion. We're looking for connection, and we're gonna notice maybe our partner's not paying attention to us, we're not getting that connection. And so we're gonna maybe notice the tone, the energy that they have, their timing. And in order to feel safe, we need connection. I call it our oxygen. So we're just going to start pouncing on that head partner, and the head partner is the opposite from us. They process meaning and logic first, noticing sequences, solutions, looking for clarity in order to feel safe. And so, because they think before they feel, they do it in a very different way. Once we can recognize the differences between heart and head, now we can start doing things that change that old pattern.
SPEAKER_03:It's pretty interesting, I guess, and I don't mean to make it sound kind of corny because I I didn't think about it when we were talking about it earlier, but I'm going to bring it back into the equation. It's a little bit like last night, uh, you know, 1.30 in the morning when I uh am awakened and and kind of recognize, hey, wait a second, there's a power outage because it's very dark, you know, the the the bedside clock is is off. And so there's not that usual little glow of the time. And and I went, oh, the power is out. And so as I looked out the window and kind of wandered around a bit, I I bumped into the the guy from the the the utility company and he was actually down going from from building to building from from you know spot to spot and resetting uh the transformer boxes in order to get the the power back up. And um and I don't know technically what he was doing, so if that doesn't make sense to anybody out there that's a lineman or an electrician, I'm sorry. I just kind of know what I kind of saw him doing. Anyways, as you were talking about this expectation, in a power outage, I did not get mad at the bedside clock. You know, we gotta get back to the root of the problem. And the problem in the relationship so often when we are unhappy, is not our partner. It's it's the energetically as our unhappiness builds and we start to look for our partner to do different, we start to look for our partner to solve this unhappiness that we have because that's as Beverly said, how we're trained growing up. You know, mom and dad did it, and when uh when we were happy in our relationship, our partner certainly did it for us. And so we look to that person and we go, okay, where's my where's my happy? Where's my bounce? Come on, you can do it, you can you can bring me back to joy. And that person maybe because of what they're dealing with in their life, their stress, um, they they can't. And so all of a sudden we're disappointed in them. But the but the equation comes back to when the heart partner is disappointed in the head partner, and the head partner feels that now I feel like a failure. And it doesn't matter how bad the alarm clock feels, it can't turn the power back on. And and and so, you know, it's really once again kind of directed at the wrong spot, and and just that sadness that that or or lack of happiness that the heart partner is feeling is now all of a sudden the head partner's problem, and we feel like a failure, which is going to make us, I suspect, less capable of even turning the happy back on. So this isn't just a cycle, it is a cycle that powers itself and leads to nothing but more unhappiness. And so sometimes if the heart partner's unhappy, if they don't put that on the head partner, if they can actually re-energize the head partner, then the head partner is more capable of providing the happiness too. So it's a it's a bit of a a catch-22 and a self-fulfilling prophecy when unhappiness enters a relationship.
SPEAKER_01:Exactly. And so we're we're probably not gonna be able to energize you because heck, we're triggered, we can't even energize ourselves. So I don't I don't think that's probably gonna happen right away, but Randy's Randy's right when he talks about how heads feel uh or think that hearts are being somewhat critical of them. You know, heads look at this and say, the heart's emotional, you're irrational, you're crazy, you're being dramatic, and you're pointing the finger at me, and now it feels like you're attacking me. And the heart feels like, well, you don't care, you're a cold like a robot or narcissist, and you're abandoning me. So those are the differences in heart and head and how we look at the situation. Of course, blaming other people is never going to get us there. Heads might look at it as because it's not logical, you know, they feel like they're on the moral ground, high moral ground, and so they uh they just look at the heart partner and say, you need to change first. A lot of times heads will tell hearts they need to come in and do work, but the head's fine, they they'll pass. And that's not the case. Both people, both partners need to do some work on themselves. One thing that is a myth, and I think we've talked about this before too, is our our culture out there talks really about if people loved you, they would change, or you complete me, or the right person makes you happy. And none of that is true. A healthy partner supports your happiness, but it doesn't manufacture it. Really, happiness comes from you, and it's a choice that you're making in each and every moment. So, what we want to do is if we can get each partner to just talk about what they're experiencing. So a heart might say, This feels like rejection, or they might say, I'm feeling triggered, and right now I need some reassurance, or this person isn't abandoning me. Uh, this is just one of our patterns that we we continue and we're we're breaking that pattern. A head partner then might do something and say, Oh, okay, this heart is triggered, but it's not a logical problem that I have to deal with. Or my my heart says they need reassurance. That's emotional data, it's not a demand from me. Or if the heart is uh that stating, well, you're not you're not leaving me, you're not abandoning me, we're just having an argument, a conflict, then the head can say, Okay, I'm I'm feeling overwhelmed myself, maybe, maybe we just both need some space. So, what this does is it starts breaking those patterns. And repetition is very important in this. These are very small but very significant things that you can start acknowledging within yourself, voicing, saying it to your partner. They're not pointing the finger at them whatsoever. You're owning your part of it. And then perhaps on the healing side, if if we can get that bit of space where we're not fully triggered, then maybe we can acknowledge one another. The head partner might say, I hear you, I'm here. The heart partner might say, Thank you, thank you for for that, for being here, for acknowledging it. And when this happens, we start to learn, the heart learns. I don't have to escalate emotion. I don't have to cry or scream or yell to to feel safe and to regulate myself. And the head partner needs will then realize that they don't need to pull away or withdraw to uh to stay safe. They don't have to feel criticized, they can be more from a neutral state.
SPEAKER_03:It it all comes down to that ability to communicate with with a bit of trust that your partner's hearing you. And that can be hard when when tensions are high, but as Beverly says, you know, when you when you can sit down and have a conversation and have that talk about these things. In in a way that isn't accusatory, in a way that isn't pointing out the the insufficiencies maybe that you feel in your partner, when in reality it's it's the insufficiency of yourself to feel the joy within you, when it can be less blame and more communication, things come around pretty darn quickly. Anything you want to add, Beverly?
SPEAKER_01:I think it's comforting to know that we're actually both looking for safety just in different ways. You know, the heart is looking for that connection, is what makes us feel safe. Heads are looking for that clarity in order to feel safe. And once we can realize that and provide that to one another, I think couples will see that it takes a lot of that steam out of those confrontations.
SPEAKER_03:That is the podcast Heart vs. Head. Don't uh just sit back and wait for your partner to change so you can be happy, take a little control of your own emotions and be sure and have those conversations. Thank you everybody for tuning in. We will talk to you next week on Heart versus Head. Aloha.
SPEAKER_00:Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at Hearthead Coaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at Heart and Head Coaching dot com.
