The Honeymoon is Over

In this episode, Randy and Beverly explain why the honeymoon phase can't last forever. And why trying to get it back is actually the wrong approach - relationally and scientifically. And they'll explain how you can learn to communicate in a way that helps you finally achieve something much better than the honeymoon phase - something you've always wanted. 

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hey everybody, it's Randy and Beverly with the Heart versus Head Podcast. How's it going? I'm great. How about you?

SPEAKER_02 0:27

It's going to be a fabulous podcast today. I already know that it's going to be a fabulous podcast today because Beverly has 40 pages of notes and a highlighter over there. Are you you are set to go, aren't you? You have stuff. You have stuff to say. Beverly has stuff to say. We are Randy Hampton of Beverly Craddock, the host of Heart versus Head. Thanks for tuning in. We talk about relationships in kind of a different way. We found over the years of being relationship coaches out here in Honolulu, Hawaii, that in relationships, everybody's got a relationship style. You are either a heart or a head in your relationship. Hearts operate from uh making their decisions based on how everybody's feeling around them. And so they take everybody's uh feelings into account when they're making decisions in relationships. Head partners, on the other hand, make decisions based on right, wrong facts, logic, black, white, those kinds of things. And uh that's where most of the conflict in our relationships comes from is this battle between heart and head. And so we're here to help you through that. What what are we talking about on the podcast today, Beverly?

SPEAKER_01 1:36

We had this couple recently, and they were talking about their marriage of 10 years. They got married mid-twenties, they were about mid-30s, and during this 10 years, they found that they're they're still having troubles in their conflicts, their disagreements, and feel like they just communicate at two different levels, like almost a different language. These are things that we have heard many, many times. It's the reason that we started the podcast and wrote a couple of books about this. And so we start breaking it down for this couple and then and letting them know, okay, so obviously the honeymoon phase, life was good, you were dating, you were madly in love, and and they agreed. And and then we said, okay, so what happened when you hit the decision-making phase? And they were like, uh, what the the what? What what did you call that? What phase? A lot of couples uh may not realize that they never made it past the decision-making phase. So we we thought this would be a great podcast for today.

SPEAKER_02 2:43

Yeah, when you get to a place in your relationship, and all relationships, uh, you know, if they if they survive past the first few dates, begin to to reach this point. Now, that doesn't mean your honeymoon phase can't last a long, long time. Being deep deeply in love and all of those things.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Yeah, they say it lasts anywhere from six months to to two years.

unknown 3:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:03

And and during that time you're in love, and there's there's all kinds we've we've talked previously on the podcast about kind of the dopamine effect and all the things that are going on in your brain early on in those relationships.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Oxytocin, bonding, attachment, norepinephrine energy, focus on the person.

SPEAKER_02 3:20

A failure to see the person's bad side, you don't see their faults at all because your dopamine has them all in this really positive space in your brain. Lots of stuff going on in this honeymoon phase.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

We prioritize the connection over our discernment, our decisions, feel intuitive, emotionally guided. We complete each other's sentences.

SPEAKER_02 3:41

You complete me. That phase is wonderful, and then comes a point where it changes. And and what we've seen over and over and over and over again with thousands of clients is the point where this changes is when we go from that honeymoon phase to beginning to make decisions together. It can be as simple as making a decision about where are we going to eat tonight or what do you want to do on Saturday, all the way through, you know, making decisions about where to live and uh children and what religion or non-religion will we follow, what uh you know, what bank will we bank at, and all of these decisions have implications in a relationship, and we both make them wildly differently because hearts are taking it on from kind of making sure everybody's okay, and as I said, heads are looking at it from more of a logical perspective. Neither is right, neither is wrong, and they are both absolutely necessary for balance in your relationship. But that's when your relationship moves from maybe that honeymoon stage into that decision-making stage of of the relationship. And and all couples are gonna experience that.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

The first thing to point out is it it's not a failure. It's not that the honeymoon is is failing, it it does fade, but it what it's doing is really transitioning. So it's really just we can't sustain that level of dopamine forever. And so our nervous system automatically shifts from that attraction mode to attachment mode, and it makes such wonderful scientific sense, it just feels very unstable when you're going through it. So the novelty is going down, that projection is fading, reality enters, and that's when those individual differences surface. That's where it's like, you're not completing my sentences, we're on different pages.

SPEAKER_02 5:42

You you said it earlier. It's that moment where it feels like we're speaking a different language with our partner. And think about how prevalent this is in relationship world. We've talked about it before, but you go back into kind of the leading books about relationships over the last 40 years and you start looking at things like men are from Mars, women are from Venus. That's you know, John Gray's take on we all speak different languages because we're from different planets. And and then you look at, you know, even the successful books of of Gary Chapman taking a look at love languages. It's it's in our mind. We seem to feel it in our relationships that we speak a different language than this person. And Beverly and I will tell you that's absolutely true. Yes, it's still English, it's just we're picking different parts of English to use to communicate with one another. It's the same language, but the dictionary's different. The meanings behind the words are are different in some of these words because we see them differently, we use them differently.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

I always like to bring in like an analogy or a metaphor to to help listeners to make this more obvious to them. So we we kind of go through these transitions through life, if you think about it. We go through maybe from preschool to kindergarten or first grade. And what happens is is we we go to that preschool and we get friends and we feel finally safe and connected and and we like going and we we want to stay there, but all of a sudden, no, it's time we got to switch schools, we got to do something different, meet different people. And that feels scary. That feels stressful. And a lot of times kids will cry or get upset because we we don't like change. And so that is part of what's going on with couples is we're going from one phase to another. And what hearts do is we really double down on connection because we're trying to restore that safety. We need reassurance, we need to know that our partner is still there, they're not going anywhere, they're not looking at someone else and and leaving us in the relationship or finding something better.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

Yeah, and heads do it a little bit differently when we look at it. We aren't seeing the transition the same. We see that transition to that decision-making mode differently because what we're experiencing is we go, okay, I I I need a relationship, I want a good, stable relationship, and now I'm in this relationship, and suddenly we're making decisions together, and we begin to feel like, okay, that's good. And heads will turn their attention maybe more to other things outside of the relationship. And so this is once again that head turning to the the other stuff. And so as the heart scrambling to try to find stability, the head thinks they've that they've both found stability, and the head is all of a sudden focused on other stuff, and it's not helping the situation. So it it actually kind of perpetuates itself. It gets worse as it goes.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

What's really happening is the relationship is moving from that passion, that chemistry, to kind of now construction and structure. And it's okay. The next phase is all about differentiation. It's about you being you, me being me. We're two completely different people. And when we can stay connected while also making grounded decisions, that's when we really become this amazing balance between the heart and the head, the yin and the yang, which makes us a great couple, great parents, and really successful in achieving those goals moving forward. We just tend to look at what we're losing instead of all that we're gaining.

SPEAKER_02 9:52

Our brain isn't helping us out along in all of this as we're looking at all the things we're losing. Our brain is decreasing those, the, you know, the dopamine and all the good stuff. And so, as Beverly has already said, our brain doesn't help us in this process. And so, you know, falling in love feels so natural, and we go, oh, that's so natural. Well, it is natural. It's natural chemicals in your brain that are flooding your brain and making you feel nice, warm, and and and cuddly, and that doesn't go on forever. And so all of a sudden, as we're trying to make decisions and heads are focused on everything else, and hearts are feeling neglected, and all of a sudden abandoned, and all these other fears, the brain of both partners is also working against them. That's what happens, that's where the honeymoon goes. How do we fix it, or what are we looking for in getting it back together? Because I think everybody feels like that was the best part.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

But it's not about going backwards. And I think this is where couples run into the problem is they're they're all running backwards. The heart's running back. You know, I need date nights, I need more time with you, uh, you know, be present, be here with me, bring flowers, you know, go back to all the good old days. There's a really funny joke that Randy and I've always had, which is you were a better boyfriend than husband. And that was just because those were the honeymoon days, you know, those were the days where all the the good things, the dopamine, we're all hitting. You can be different, you can have a completely different idea. I can be patient, understanding with that. We can want different things, conflict doesn't have to be threatening, that we can work it out. We're two adults, we can sit and talk it out, we can figure it out. And instead of colliding, that we find a way to kind of co-regulate one another.

SPEAKER_02 11:45

It's about keeping the team together. It's about really turning that focus back to that because when you can do that and when you can understand that, when you can learn that lesson, that you can make it through everything, if you can sit down and have a conversation with your partner. You're on the same team. If the two of you are attacking the problems, if the two of you are saying this is not how we want to feel in our relationship, how do we fix it? And can sit down and go, Okay, what's what's on your mind? What do you feel? What are you going through? What's it what's the experience? And and when we can have that conversation in a decent productive way, we can actually get to a better place because it becomes easier for those feelings, those emotions of love to return to the brain as that conflict decreases and our brain realizes wait, this is my person. This is this isn't the person I'm fighting with, this isn't the person I'm arguing with for success or or whatever. This is my person, and you're able to just reach a new level in the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

And I think that's one of the the best things that Randy and I have experienced uh 16 years now is that we we can be ourself and we are loved unconditionally, just the way that we are. Even as we change through the years, which every year has been different, and we accept each other where we're at today, because it's completely different than it was 16 years ago. Maybe some of these uh areas are things that you could consider so that you're more willing to walk into this transition to the next phase. It's like, are you ready to go from the comforts of preschool and step into what it's like to be elementary or go from elementary to middle school or middle to high school or on to college? Every one of those transitions were amazing when we got there. It was scary perhaps as we were on our way. So, what it looks like when you're in a secure decision-making, realistic phase is you can you can exhale fully. You realize that moments of silence, it's not threatening, it doesn't mean there's something going on, that he's thinking something, she's thinking something, that we can be apart. Distance doesn't mean that we're rejected. We can make decisions that are collaborative, that we don't have to perform or do something or be a certain way in order to be loved anymore. So, in a lot of ways, it's kind of like less fireworks than the honeymoon. Not all the bells and whistles, but more of a fireplace where we just sit and enjoy the comfort, the warmth. It becomes desire for this other person as a choice, not that we're driven to it by hormones or chemistry. Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:54

Yeah, it is. And I I love the I love the analogy of less fireworks, more fireplace. Um that's uh that's a maybe a good way to put it. Hey kids, the honeymoon's over. Uh, but there's so much better stuff ahead because as Beverly talked about, you when you have that safety, when you have that security in your relationship, it's gonna be way better uh for your life because it's actually what you're looking for. It's what you've always wanted. You just have to have to know it's know it's there.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

It's okay.

SPEAKER_02 15:23

And so are you. That is the podcast for today. Beverly, always nice talking to you. If you're out there listening, we appreciate you. Uh, we appreciate everybody that tunes in. Uh, a couple of reminders, we are launching a new book here in a couple of months um that is heart versus head and going to have a lot of these details in there for people. Going to the publisher. I know we're working on that right now and and dealing with all those fun, fun things and layout and design and picking covers and they're gonna love this book. I hope so. That book will be out. We are looking for uh folks to be on the launch team uh for that. Some cool stuff for you along the way and interesting things and uh uh an early preview of the book. Um so if you're interested in any of that, please don't don't hesitate. Give us a give us an email, info at heart and headcoaching.com. We'll put you on that list. Tell your friends about the podcast. Uh, and if you if you feel up for it, share it on social media if we hit a hit a button today in your relationship. And you went, yeah, that that that feels real. Give us a share out there, too. Thanks everybody for tuning in.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at Heartandhead Coaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at Heart and Head Coaching.com.