Unmasking the Hidden Hurt

Humans generally know it. When we're in a disagreement, we're slinging hurt. So why is it so hard to slow down with our partner and see that they're hurting. In this episode of Heart Versus Head, Randy and Beverly explain how hurt disguises itself as anger, defensiveness, withdrawal and a whole bunch of other tricky emotions when hurt shows up in a relationship. When you learn to recognize hurt and respond to it appropriately, everything - every thing - gets easier. Here's a great episode to share with your partner and your friends... Unmasking the Hidden Hurt. #UnmaskingTheHiddenHurt #HeartVersusHead

Heart Versus Head is a podcast about relationship styles and how those relationship styles influence communication in the most important relationships. The hosts - Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock - are a married couple who are sought-after relationship coaches, award-winning authors and regular people who (like everyone in relationships) are just trying to stay connected through all the noise of life in the modern world. You can learn more about the couple and their work at HeartAndHeadCoaching.com, where you'll learn to fight better and connect again. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Welcome to Heart vs. Head, a podcast that helps couples communicate and fight better. Here are your hosts, Randy Hampton and Beverly Craddock.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

Hey everybody, it's Randy of Beverly. Welcome to the Heart vs. Head Podcast, something very special for you. We're going to be talking about the hidden hurt today and how we both, hearts and heads, deal with it differently. So we look at all of these things from a heart and head perspective. Hearts are the partner in a relationship who is making sure everyone is feeling okay, taking care of everybody's feelings, kind of making their decisions based on how they and everybody else are going to feel about the decision. Heads in a relationship make decisions really based more on kind of right, wrong logic facts, black, white, this, this, you know, this is right. And if people feel bad about it, they need to change their feelings and get over it. So ultimately, we do it differently in your relationship. There is a heart partner, there is a head partner, and that's where conflict comes from. And that's what we're really going to talk about today. We dive into this idea pretty regularly, the idea of conflict in relationships. So that's what we're talking about. We're talking about hurt and how we react when we get hurt. Hi, Beverly.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

How are you? I had to wait a long time.

SPEAKER_02 1:30

I know. I just wanted to get it all out of the way because you have a lot today. You have a lot to say, and I know that's how this is going to be a very special podcast. We are good at two different things. This is uh here you go. Side note you want a behind-the-scenes look at the podcast listeners. Here you go. Um, we're good at two different things. Beverly is super good at research. Beverly is super good at understanding concepts and being able to really break them down, dive deep into them. Me, I'm I'm not so much, I'm more of an ADHD guy, but I'm really good at reading people, mostly because I'm an anxious guy, and so I read people automatically. But we do it differently. So as we sit here and talk about things like hurt, we we even approach that differently. But let's start with hurt in our relationships. It happens all the time. Our partner does something ridiculous and causes hurt.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

So are you done? I'm done. Where where do you want to start? Um, so I'm gonna talk about with hearts. So what's going on with us when when we're hurt? And here's the really fun part is that because it's a disguise, when hearts are are uh feeling hurt, it's gonna come across as anger, perhaps, fear, anxiety, or urgency. And that's that's actually really helpful to know, right? Because if your heart partner is coming at you and they're all of a sudden crazy angry or or super stressed or urgent, we have to talk about this right now, kind of thing. That should be a clue that there's some hurt involved.

SPEAKER_02 3:14

Unfortunately for heads, we don't read it that way at all. We are looking for different things, maybe in these moments of of interaction with our partner, we we get hurt, we react, and we should be able to read that reaction. The problem is our natural tendency is to read the reaction wrong. And so not only do we get hurt in our relationship, we get the inability to recover from it with our partner.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Right. So let's kind of give an example here. So if uh if a heart is coming at you and maybe they're just sending you repeated texts, you know, maybe it was uh something where you you didn't communicate the night before and you wake up the next morning and you've got 46 texts from your partner. The head partner is thinking, this is crazy. What the heck? Has no idea what's going on, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:07

Well, it's automatic in that situation. I'm sorry, you know, when you talk about 46 texts, and it's funny because it it it literally happens that way, but it's almost automatic as the head partner receiving that many texts. I can tell you what I would do. I'd go, oh my gosh, this is this is overwhelming. This person's completely either in a crisis that needs my assistance to fix it, or this person is I I try not to say the word crazy. This is this just doesn't make sense.

SPEAKER_01 4:33

It's okay. We I think we've established on the podcast that crazy is endearing.

SPEAKER_02 4:38

It for me, when I say it, I I think you know, sometimes people are like, oh, you can't call people crazy. I I mean it in a very kind way. It's just that craziness and chaos that we we get in our world.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Yeah. So underneath that, what is the heart doing? What is up with that 46 texts? We we just said it's not craziness, it's this tendency for the heart to want to pull closer, to not lose this person. And so connection is everything. We've mentioned that before. Connection is our oxygen. So if a heart is hurt, perhaps in this example, the head was out with buddies last night, was supposed to call or text when they made it safely home. And so the heart is freaking out. Did something happen? Are you dead? Uh, you know, this is the the the thought behind the crazy texting. So for the head, obviously the he's not going to understand it.

SPEAKER_02 5:36

Yeah, it doesn't come across as, oh, I'm I'm I'm sad and I'm worried. It just feels chaotic because it's so big, it's so much, it's so much emotion, and heads, we just you know, we get flooded by it, and it's so big and so uh and so our tendency is to go, okay, I gotta I gotta process this, I gotta step back and find almost a quiet place. I have to find more distance from you to process you being hurt by the distance. I've oh wait, that that doesn't seem like it works though. And that once again, my pulling away from you, my pulling away from these situations, my pulling away from chaos to get clarity to find time to think about it, to process something, is once again just making you feel like you're out there on your own, and then the heart panics even more. So the 46. Yeah, the more the 46 text messages with a reply of, yo, I'm good, um, can spiral pretty quick into a lot of other stuff too.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

So that is the problem with hearts and heads is that in this example, a heart feeling uh hurt in the sense that you didn't text me, I don't know what what's happened with you, I'm concerned, I don't want to lose you freaking out, and the head perhaps seeing all the text, she's crazy, I'm not going to respond to that till she settles down or something. And that distance makes it even worse. It makes that connection feel much worse. The heart will usually escalate and bring more emotion, and the head doubles down with now, we're definitely not going to respond. And it's it's just this pattern that gets repeated. So hopefully, if you're uh a heart and a head, that example is helpful. I'd like to move into what goes on with the head when they're hurt. Okay. All right, let's let's talk about it. Heads are opposite again, they're autonomy focused. So a lot of times for a head, the hurt will disguise logic. Oh my gosh, you can't be more logical.

SPEAKER_02 8:00

So wait a second, hang on a second. We become even more logical when faced with chaos. It's right, it's how we control our environment, right? We're just becoming more and more. Only the problem is we're doubling down. We we have you make a mistake, it was stupid. You do something absolutely stupid. You're embarrassed for yourself, and nobody else has even noticed it yet. But you're embarrassed for yourself at the mistake you have made. Somebody calls you out, your partner walks into the kitchen, you've poured an entire container of salt on the dinner. Um, and you're you're steading their stun trying to figure it out. And your partner goes, Oh my god, look what you did. And your immediate response is, I didn't do it. And then they're like, No, I I'm standing right here. I see the you know, salt, you with salt container in hand, you standing next to dish. Pretty sure you did this. And then you double down. Everybody knows it, and but you're like, Nope, wasn't me. Uh you're standing there red-handed. That's that tendency that that's what happens in these arguments is we're just doubling down on the problem. We're making it worse and worse and worse. And the heart is frantic most of the time because that's how hearts respond to hurt as well. And so what I do to respond to hurt, try to control it more, doesn't work. It it goes in a circle. And so one of us, heart or head, or maybe if you really understand it and you listen to the podcast with your partner, thanks. Uh maybe both of us can stop that and say, okay, wait a second. Let's process this, let's figure this out. What are we dealing with? What's going on here? What do you feel? But that's where you get to later in a relationship, hopefully. Right. It's not where we all start. We didn't start there.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

We did it wrong for a long time.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Yeah, we sucked at arguing for for a long time. And we're lucky enough that we have enough skills and enough people, communication skills, to kind of understand what's going on behind it. And that's well, that's what led us down this darn path and why we have a podcast, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

But right. So we just do it different. Um, stay with us. We're gonna have some tips here on how to fix it in the right way. But just in summary, hurt is always vulnerable and protective. It's just wearing a mask. So now we've given you the secret behind the heart and the head and what's really going on with hurt. So hearts are externalizing it and they're demanding more connection in one way or another. Heads will internalize it or redirect it in ways that preserve that control. So keep in mind you might want to make some notes because this is what's really going on with your partner. But we want to move ahead. We want to show that this can all be worked through. There are good ways, positive ways to deal with one another. So when a heart is feeling hurt, it's it's good to know these tells, and the the thing to do is to not withdraw, right? Is to instead of that pull back, it would be so much better to pull close.

SPEAKER_02 11:18

That is so counterintuitive for a head. It is so it is so far from what I naturally want to do in that situation. I mean, I I I if you get to the core of it, what we want is that safety to draw closer. What we have as the experience in our life is is that that safety is very fragile. Very fragile. I mean, you know, it all the other relationships in my life, the safety broke down and and then there was no more safety. I I think the the wanting to draw closer at a deep level is truly what we want. It's what we've always wanted is that ability to draw closer to somebody without the hurt getting worse. But when you say, you know, okay, we gotta draw closer, that's hard because it feels so flooded. And especially if the heart partner is locked in disguising their hurt as anger. Because when the heart partner's coming at us angrily, that is really hard to draw closer to. That just makes me go, no, okay, I'll be over here. And so it is, it's a it's a challenge. I mean, you know, we sit around and talk about this stuff all the time and go, oh, it's just so simple, but but it isn't when you're in it. Right. But heads, think about it this way. Um, and it's the thing that I think I learned with Beverly is when Beverly displays anger, because I know she's not an angry person, you're not an angry person, Barley. You're pretty chill. Um when Beverly is angry, my brain now goes, Oh, that's hurt. And so when you can take the disguise off, when the disguise goes away and you go, that's that's hurt, and I see it for what it is, then it's a little easier to draw closer.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Right. And I think a a heart that is learning today, or anytime that you've learned, it's it's helpful if you can tell your partner that really hurt.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

That's a great place to start. Yeah, it's just to be able to say, okay, that hurt me. But that's you identifying it too, and and kind of helping unmask the hurt. Right? Is is we if the hurt is open, both partners, I believe, are trying to repair it. If either partner is hurt, both partners will just naturally work through whether it's fixing a problem or for the head or healing hurt for the heart, which we're both kind of naturally good at. We'll both automatically go to that if we can see hurt.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:15

But we don't see hurt. It disguises itself, it's hidden in there.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

I mean, another example, just because examples I think help a lot, would be jealousy. If um we're we're somewhere and and you know, you're checking out some waitress, some some woman. That is something we hear from clients a lot. And not that you do it, but that partners do it. Okay, back up.

SPEAKER_02 14:43

Oh, hold on a second. We don't hear a lot that I'm checking out some other woman. It's not uh like you know, you first the the the relationship coaching is not the new dating game. No, that's not what she meant. She she meant heads in general out in the world.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

If we hear from heart partners that their head partner is checking out someone else.

SPEAKER_02 15:08

Thank you. I started to sound like a monster, a predator.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Um, but if that when we hear that, right, it it's gonna be an angry place, right? The the heart partner is is is not gonna feel good about that. They're gonna be very angry, and the head will just trigger defensiveness. What we have is hurt disguised as anger in a heart. And what we see with heads is they become angry. Maybe they're gonna say, Well, what about last week when you wore that revealing dress and we went out and I told you that wasn't really making me comfortable? So there's gonna be this continued fight and conflict, and that's what most people experience. They come in with it all the time. What we're able to do is have that outside view and to look at it and to know the disguise and to see the fear that lies underneath, to look at the heart and say, you're really not angry as much as you are hurt. And then the head partner goes, say what?

SPEAKER_02 16:16

Heads don't we we we don't like getting called out on our emotions, but heads understand you don't even know what they are.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

So you would have been controlling if I was out doing something, making you jealous. You wouldn't show up as hurt in that way, you would show up as controlling or we're not going there, you're not wearing that, that trying to control everything.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

Sure. It is really hard for heads to do the emotion kind of that way. And so our our natural tolerance is uh has to be overcome in some way to say, hey, it's okay, I get it. Truly, heads, we are functional humans. We want the relationship to work. Well, if you want the relationship to work, study this stuff, understand this stuff. Because when you can do these things, your relationship works a lot better and you don't have to work so hard. And so when you can draw close, you can take those arguments, you can take that hurt, you can take that disagreement in the relationship, and you can take it out of the relationship. Because when you respond close and people recover quickly, you get back to being able to go have pizza or see a movie or live a life or sit on the same couch without having to carry the argument around for five days, like all heads are famous, because that's what we do while we're sitting there processing it in our mind. And oh, by the way, I also realized that you talked to Sally 16 years ago and told her that thing about me, and that was personal, and that's what we're doing for five days, sitting there, you know, just rehashing all the crap. Why not just skip all that? If I mean, if you know that your brain's gonna do it, skip it, get back to being with your partner, yeah. Pull pull closer in the hurt, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:00

So that is really then part of the solution is that hearts are always asking me. So when my head partner is is quiet, is processing something, it's it's been three days, he hasn't said a word to me, what's going on? It's it's just the different way that we respond. I think hearts can get over things fairly quickly. If I'm upset, I can go from zero to sixty, I can be very angry, very nervous. And if if you read that correctly, reassure me, I can go from 60 back to zero. And that can all be in 30 minutes.

SPEAKER_02 18:39

The the heart can switch emotions as quickly as the head can switch arguments. So I think people hear this, and and I heard it at first from Beverly, and she said, we recover quickly, heads don't. And I thought, well, that's absolutely crazy. That is completely not true. Heads recover really quickly, I recover quickly. I get over things right. Think about when we go and we're, you know, I'm at work and I'm with the guys, and some guy screws up and we're standing there screaming at each other about which football team we like better and his mother and what's wrong with why he's fat, or what we're I mean, we're just mean and we're we're having these arguments. Go have a beer. And heads in that environment seem to go, okay, that's that's okay, get over it. And and we do get over it pretty quickly, and and a lot of times hearts will stand back and go, Well, I don't understand that. How can they get over that that quickly? I can't get over that that quickly. Heads can get over logical errors more quickly because we can logic around it. Hearts can get over emotional errors or emotional mistakes more quickly because they can emotion their scaffolding around it, I think. And so I think in emotional situations, you're right, hearts recover quicker. In a lot of other situations, in a financial situation or a stressful situation at work or a a bad moment with a coworker or anything where it really doesn't matter as much, heads get over it maybe quicker.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

Oh yeah, but I think in in romantic relationships that's Oh, absolutely, heads hold on to it way too damn long.

SPEAKER_02 20:07

Right. Let go.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

Yeah, that is the the thing to notice with a head partner is that if they're quiet for a long time, I used to wonder how the heck do I bring Randy back around? How do I get him to talk to me again to get over this? And what hearts always need is closeness first. So if I'm upset, I'm hurt, I need you to be close to me at some level to feel that connection. And then once I feel connection, then we can clarify, okay, well, here's what happened in that argument, here's why I did that. And now I'm able to listen and hear what you have to say. So hearts need closeness, connection, then clarity. Heads are the opposite. Heads need the clarity first, then closeness. So hearts, if you're out there trying to give them a hug too soon, they're not having it. They might give you a hug, but that it's not a real hug. What they need is for you to come back and say, you know, maybe take that pause, recognize there is a timing thing that's different, give the head some space, a pause, they're overwhelmed, let that calm down. They have to go into the box of emotion, you know, that takes a few minutes. Once they go in there, they start, you know, using the hammer, the nails, they're trying to do some repair, respect the process. And then when it feels like it's been a bit of time, then you can go back and say, hey, can we talk about that? So here we're not coming at them with emotion or closeness, we're coming at them with logic. We're saying, okay, I I think I know what happened, I understand it better. This is what I was feeling. I was feeling hurt, this is why I reacted that way. And then you pulled away and and it made it feel worse for me. But now I understand it and I I know that we're a team, and so I'm feeling much better. And then the head can say, okay, I've got the clarity. And now we can have a hug.

SPEAKER_02 22:05

And now we can have a hug. And that's that's the podcast for today. Don't forget to like, subscribe, share with your friends, share it on Facebook, tell people about the po podcast. We love, we love doing it, and want to continue to keep it as a wonderful free resource. Quick short bursts of maybe some relationship help, things you can talk about with your partner. And a real quick aside with some some exciting news, exciting news, um, we the book, the new book, Heart vs. Head. Heart vs. Ed, the new book, uh, is at the designers. It has gone through its editing internal machinations and writing. And we argued about it 800 times, and then we finally got a book together. We think we think you're gonna love it, uh, because it explains a lot of these things in a in a way that that makes sense for both hearts and and heads, uh, and and makes it a little bit easier. Anyways, a new book is at The Designer. We're hoping to have that out in a couple of months for everybody, and we'll be talking about some ways that you can get involved in that, some ways you can read that book, help us with some reviews and win some prizes and all kinds of stuff. We're gonna have a lot of fun with launching this book. We are excited for it, and we'll have a lot more news about it in the near future. Heart vs. Head. Thank you so much for tuning in. We will talk to all of you, hopefully, next time, next week on Heart vs. Head.

SPEAKER_00 23:38

Aloha, thanks for listening to Heart vs. Head. You can learn more at Heartandhead Coaching.com and check out new podcast episodes every Wednesday. If you have a question for Randy and Beverly, send an email to info at Heart and Head Coaching.com.