Saying the Unsaid

METAPHORS FOR GROUP, PART I

Sarah + Vanessa Season 1 Episode 11

Vanessa + Sarah review some of the ways Saying the Unsaid group participants finished the sentence, "Group is like _____________."  (Part one of two.)

Saying the unsaid. A conversation between a psychologist and a spiritual director who have been friends for over 30 years about process groups, the anticipated discomfort and the surprise intimacy. The inevitability of replication and the possibilities of doing something new. We're guaranteed to get some stuff right and some stuff wrong, but we're doing it anyway. Thanks for listening. Okay, so today we wanted to talk about different metaphors for group. Because you and I find ourselves talking so much in metaphors when we're trying to describe what group is like, and there's a few that we go to a lot. And then we remembered that when we asked people to fill out an evaluation after the three week, dip your toes in. One of our questions is group is like blank. So we've had, I didn't count how many, people fill in that blank with such cool metaphors. I thought I would just read them in order and we just associate to them or not and move on. Perfect. Okay. Group is like work. Of which I hope that is the worst one. It is. The hardest one. But it's true. Sometimes you have to be like, am I gonna do this? Yeah. I'm gonna do this the way that I feel if I am about to sit down and tackle something that I've been procrastinating. My association to it is group is like working out, you know, where like totally do not wanna do it. I do not wanna change my outfit or put on my shoes. Mm-hmm. But I usually like it afterwards. But it does require effort. Yes. You know, effort with work. It's not. Gliding around a lazy river. It's not, there's so many virtual spaces now, I come on like a webinar and I know I'm gonna be anonymous, and it's very effortless. You can multitask, you can have your video off, you can have your sound off and logging into Zoom for group, you have this realization, I'm the opposite of anonymous. For this time. So in that way it's full of effort. It's full of work. It's the opposite of zoning out. I can be on three screens and be zoning out about all three of them if it's, you know, scrolling tv, whatever. Yes. But with this, I, I can't zone out. Really? Yeah. It's like a invitation to be. To do something. Okay. Group is like jumping into cold water. I use that metaphor too. A couple of us have used it quite a lot talking about group, so I definitely relate to it. Mainly the anticipation or dread beforehand. Yet there's this desire to have done it, to be on the other side of it, and then the way that it wakes you up in such a difficult yet enlivening kind of way. It's like that combination of this is the worst feeling ever and I haven't felt this good in a long time. I know that you, Vanessa, do cold water dips. Mm-hmm. So the, the choice of that level of discomfort slash exhilaration is something that you practice in your life. Yeah. And to the contrary, I do not do things like that, but the people that do the ice plunges or Yeah. When they go into the ocean on New Year's Day, I'm just like, I can't even fathom the desire to do something uncomfortable. I do not inherently relate to that idea. Mm-hmm. Interestingly, I just participated in a three week demo process group, right. And I was shivering the entire first session. Like I could not stop shivering, even my, like, my teeth were like, wow. I just, I, and it never went away. And I remembered, oh my gosh, this Vanessa's talking about a cold water plunge, I actually feel cold, even though my room is at the same temperature it's been And there's something very alive about shivering, like everything is activated. Yeah. My other association to shivering like that is when I had an intruder break into my kitchen like. 13 years ago. Mm-hmm. I couldn't stop shivering and my teeth were shattering for hours. Mm-hmm. Um, so there is like a serious adrenaline rush Yes. Happens with that type of activation. Mm-hmm. So. There's something that is very awake about groups, so I do relate. Mm-hmm. Shivering and cold water. Just make me think of a more primitive existence. Mm-hmm. Like extreme hots, extreme colds being exposed to the elements a little bit more than I am in my life right now. Sometimes we ask after a group who do we believe in the group is the most insulated. Who do we think has like a wetsuit on or something and they can't detect what this feels like. Yeah. And the invitation is to be more raw a wetsuit's such a great picture for insulation. You can still swim, but it doesn't affect you as much. Mm-hmm. I think I'd prefer that. Yeah. Okay. Someone said group is like an accelerated relationship with all the ups and downs. I like it. It's true. It's like you don't even know these people and then you're kind of relating with them by the end of the first session in ways you don't even relate to all your friends in that same way. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think that we have a natural, on-ramp to relationships or friendships that have so much padding and politeness. Mm-hmm. And typically small talk or whatever. Mm-hmm. So the idea of bypassing a lot of that into, how am I experiencing you right now what do you remind me of? Like, all the things that you don't say to put it into the space. It does jumpstart it pushes it forward. Mm-hmm. There's a experienced closeness and that also just happened in this demo group that we did three weeks of just 50 minutes each. Mm-hmm. That's a very small amount of time together. But there was felt closeness. Bypassing all of that stuff does elevate the richness quickly. Mm-hmm. And it attunes me to how derated so many interactions are. Mm-hmm. Like after being in group, being in other meetings or in other contexts where you're like. Oh my gosh. We're not on the highway here at all. Like we're definitely just speed limit is like 15. Mm-hmm. And it's a little bit more painful to go more slowly in other settings. It's true. Okay. Somebody said it's like sailing down the Nile past ancient memorials. Wow. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to free associate to the idea of sailing past ancient memorials. Yeah. I have been thinking about how we as individuals bring our collective histories. Mm-hmm. Family context. Inter generational context, that there are things that are passed down that we're still contending with in the room mm-hmm. That are maybe ancient. Yeah. So I think we, we bring ourselves to the room. We're bringing hundreds of years into the room, so maybe we're settling past. Our own histories and what we carry with us. Um, group is like an ice cream sundae. Oh, that is so bad. I know. Most people don't say stuff like that. Uhhuh, my association is like. An ice cream sundae is a little too excessive. Like it's one thing to have some chocolate or to have a scoop of ice cream, but like if you're actually gonna do like the banana and the three scoops with the nuts, sprinkles, whipped cream, and a cherry on top, it's like, who do you think you are? Like. If I walked up to a buffet and walked back to my table and sat down with you with that, you'd look at me like, wow, you have really let yourself go, or you're killing it like you are living your life. So I, I like it. I like it. There's like a audacity to ordering in the ice cream. Yes, ice cream. And you know, there's. All these options and then the furthest most is the ice cream sundae and you have to be a child, obviously. Yes. It's like an embarrassment of riches or something. Yes. Embarrassing. Not be able to do, but I like it. I like the, extravagant. This is over the top. Do you know what I want? I want everything I, I want every talking I do think of group, one of the invitations is to ask you what you want. Yeah. Even if feels like a lot.'cause usually like I'll just like a kitty cone. Don't mind me. So if everyone could ask for an ice cream sundae, that would, that would be a great group. I mean, Sarah, it reminds me when months ago or something, something we said a lot was, are we allowed to have our cake and eat it too? So that's in the same genre. It's like wait, this feels wrong. Like I do want the cake. I also want to eat it. But the saying and life kind of tells me you're not supposed to. Yes. And we've also talked about the metaphor of no one eating the last cookie. No one will eat'cause they're just too generous. Mm-hmm. To take what they need, It's better to take less rather than I want the banana split? So good. It's so good. Okay. Somebody said a place where something interesting will happen. Group is like a place where something interesting will happen. This is so true. I think that one of the main things that group is, is the antidote to boredom. Mm-hmm. And so I think that is a simple phrase. Something interesting will happen, but, and the word interesting is used way too much that it becomes boring, but it is actually true. I'm rarely. I rarely bored. Or if I'm bored, I'm anxious about, I should probably mention that I'm checking out, which is not boring. That feels terrible actually. Yeah. I have a low level board and that I'm very accustomed to in my life. Mm-hmm. And keeps things lazy River ish, but I'm not really engaged or present. Yeah. I think that. Yeah. It keeps things alive, keeps things interesting. It's very simple but true. Yeah. When I all feel like, wow, I think everyone is upset about that group. Like I think everyone is reeling. Yeah. I also, that's not boring. Right. Um, okay. Somebody said group is like crawling into a dark room with other people in it. Light slowly coming up. Hmm. That's so beautiful. Yeah. I associate with it. We're in a group right now as members and before the first group, so this is eight weeks ago or something, um, I had this very strong picture of I'm standing at the edge of a dark forest. And I'm about to enter into it. And when I shared that in the group, somebody said, are you alone or are we there too? And that was like a good question is, are we all going into the dark forest together? Are, we already in it together or is this a solo thing? So I like this person's idea. That group is like being in a dark room with other people and the light is slowly. Creeping in. Yeah. I love it too. I think that a lot of the groups that we exist in, in our lives have clear agendas. Mm-hmm. Clear agendas about, yeah. Operating to build this thing or run this restaurant or have this. League or play this game or achieve this task or, yeah. So it's something that's sort of uncomfortable. Mm-hmm. About entering a process group where the rules of engagement are less clear in a way and less defined. So that feels like you're left in the dark a little bit. Yeah. It's uncomfortable to do. Yeah. But you are with other people who are fumbling around in the dark as well. Mm-hmm. I like the image of the light slowly creeping in. Mm-hmm. It's not like turned on fluorescent lights and now we're all exposed. Yeah. There's accelerated, I would say, but gentle exposure, hopefully. Mm-hmm. Maybe sometimes people feel like the spotlight's on them. Yeah. I guess the light source can come at different speeds and intensities. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That, that picture's sobering, but it feels like it does capture a way of being in group. Mm-hmm. Um, a bath, somebody said group is like a bath. Wow. Yeah, that's a very soothing picture. It, it's a little bit like a Sunday in the sense like, I only take a bath a few times a year when I really crave it and need it. And I absolutely love the feeling like, it's a huge act of self care. Which group feels way more like a discipline to me than that. This is so funny, Vanessa, you do cold water plunges, right? I take a bath pretty much every single night. You're kidding. No, no. I think I take a bath like every day, this whole month. Wow. Yeah. So obviously my water bill is probably bad. I love baths, so it's just like so funny. It actually fits with you and me that you're doing the discipline and painful thing and I'm drawing a bath for myself every day. Yeah. But um, I guess for this person there is something warming. About relating honestly with other people. Mm-hmm. So I think there can be a sense of relief of like, okay, we can take off our blazer and pumps and, get into the warm bath. Like take off the charade. Yeah. And I guess a bath is naked. I didn't think of that. But it is very exposed, very vulnerable. Yeah. So, Hopefully it's simultaneously vulnerable and warm. Yeah. Uh, interesting. Lots of water. I mean, cold water. We talk about pool parties. And then here's a hot tub in river in Nile River. Nice. I love water. Okay. Group is like, this is amazing sandpaper. It softens or sharpens my shape. Wow. Isn't that incredible it can do both. It can file down and smooth, or it can refine mm-hmm. And sharpen love, but sandpaper is inherently gritty and agitating. I think I've witnessed that in our groups, people who go through a process which feels agitating mm-hmm. And come out smoother. Mm-hmm. I guess when I say that out loud, I have a negative association to it. Like trying to get someone to shapeshift into a way that we want them to be. Or the idea of smoothing out your rough edges, that can have a negative connotation.'cause some of us need to keep our roughness but maybe this has both possibilities, like the parts that need to be smooth can become smoother, and then the parts that need to be pointed can become sharper And person to person. They might need different smooth parts and different sharp parts based on, yeah, they are. Do you have any associations a how you've either been smoothed or sharpened? I think for me, because I tend towards the smooth side the gift of the sandpaper of group would be for me to become sharper. Mm-hmm. And to be able to poke mm-hmm. Or penetrate something that, that would be my, where my little Pinewood Derby car needs to go towards is sharpness. Mm-hmm. Um, what about you? That's how I was thinking too, like. Saying, I didn't like that. That hurt my feelings. I'm feeling bored, I'm feeling frustrated. Those are the invitations of group that stand out to me. So those feel like invitations for sharpness. Mm-hmm. But, I do relate with the smoothness in terms of being more integrated, like, showing up as me week after week. We're like three quarters of the way through this process group as members. And I feel like there's an integration happening in that I've been all these different sides of myself with this group of people, and I'm still there. And they're still there relating with me. Mm-hmm. And that there's something about that that feels like. I'm being folded into myself, which has the smooth connotation. Yeah. So beautiful. Okay. We probably should just do one more for this one. The last one is a mirror. Definitely. Yes. One way, it's really like a mirror. More on the nose is it's on zoom. Mm-hmm. If you don't hide yourself view, you're looking at yourself through these strangers who are looking at me and really interacting with me at first based on what they see in this little box. Yeah, I think that the mirror can be spoken by other people in the group. Mm-hmm. Like someone can say, I noticed you do this a lot. Mm-hmm. I didn't even know I did that. Thank you for telling me.'cause I didn't even see that about myself. Right. And another mirror could be what the group reveals to us about ourselves. In terms of what things bring us anxiety or What parts of ourselves come out. Mm-hmm. So that's the mirror, like, wow, apparently you haven't worked out this part of yourself yet because it's being triggered so readily here. Yeah. Wow. You really regress into that state in these contexts. So you can see your own shapes, your own curves and points in a new way in greater clarity. Mm-hmm. And we're just moving around the world and used to the way that we are, we get to see it in a little Petri dish. Mm-hmm. Okay. Those are so good. I wanna do the rest, so we'll do'em in another one. Yeah, definitely. Our participants are so amazing. I know. Love all these. I love them. Okay, we'll be back another time. Thank you so much for listening. If there's something you'd like us to talk about or you're interested in trying one of our groups, please email us at saying the unsaid group@gmail.com.