I Survived Domestic Abuse - Here’s What You Need to Know

What if the person you loved became your greatest threat? In this powerful episode, Julie Waite speaks with domestic abuse survivor and advocate Sharon Livermore MBE, founder of Domestic Abuse Education.

Sharon shares her story of surviving coercive control, attempted kidnap, and abuse — and how she now educates others to break the cycle.

You’ll learn how to spot red flags, understand the cycle of abuse, and what real support looks like for victims, friends, and employers.

"Abuse thrives in silence — but education gives us power." – Sharon Livermore MBE 

Find out more about Sharon and her workplace training at Domestic Abuse Education. 

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Domestic Abuse: A Personal Journey
• 6:08 The Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing Patterns
• 12:36 Types of Abuse: Beyond Physical Violence
• 19:19 Supporting Victims: How to Help
• 25:45 Red Flags in Relationships: Early Warning Signs
• 30:16 Empowerment Through Education: Building Confidence

Transcript

Speaker 2 (01:16)

So today I'm here with Sharon Livermore and we're going to talk a little bit about domestic abuse because what we often find is that a lot of people come and start our training because they're worried about street safety, attacks from strangers, but statistically women are more likely to face violence from someone known to them, in particular a partner or an ex-partner.

Sharon today is going to share her story with us as well as some advice. So I don't know if you could just, were you all right to start off with sharing what happened to you?

Speaker 1 (01:52)

Yeah, absolutely. So I met my perpetrator when I was on a sales course at work and he was the man in the room that was very confident, well presented, really friendly and approachable. And for me, they were the traits that I found attractive. So as you do, you know, we were adults, we started a relationship. And at first, the relationship was the tick box of what I believe potentially were conditioned through social media, through Disney.

and films, all of those things that make us believe that it's the flowers, the chocolates, the compliments all the time that make that relationship amazing. And at first it was, it did feel amazing. It felt like everything was, I guess as it should be and better than it had ever been in my life. So we moved in quite quickly. We got engaged on the run up to the wedding. There were a few signs, but they were, I guess, small signs that you could kind of brush under the carpet and go, it's okay. It's just a little thing.

because I was still living in that moment of wanting to have a happy ending. We then got married and it was actually from the wedding day that things really changed because in his mind, the power and control was then that he had power and control over me. So I, from that point, lived through what I would say was 18 months of pure hell, experiencing every form of abuse, apart from economic abuse personally, to the point where every day it got worse.

By the end of it, there was no respite. It was constant abuse for all different forms. And I hit what I would call my internal brick wall, where at that point I'd lost everything around me. I was existing. I wasn't living. I'd lost my friends, my family. Yeah, I guess I changed my hair color. I changed what I wore. I changed the music I listened to. So I at work one day just stood up and went, I'm done. I can't do this anymore.

At that point, my workplace came forward and helped support me. He was then, went to the police station the next day. He was subsequently arrested, but he was bailed at that point because it was 2015. So coercive control was only just coming in as a law at that point. I didn't have any physical bruising on me at that point. So he was bailed and it was five days later that I'd gone to work as normal. worked through the whole.

situation because work was my safe space. Work was that, you know, that thing in life where you just need your routine. It was keeping me going. So I went to work. I went in my lunch hour to put a non-molestation order through, which is a protection order, which was granted by the court, but it was going to be served on him that evening. So I went back to work with my office manager who came with me and we obviously went and spent the rest of the afternoon just trying to make the most of the work time we had.

It was a converted barn that we worked in. So really, really beautiful building to work in. But as you can imagine, there wasn't security. It was dark outside. We were in the, you the middle of a village effectively. So we walked across the car park that evening and got into our vehicles. They were parked next to each other and it was November. So it was cold outside. was that, you you start your engine up and it's misty in your car. takes a few minutes. My car used to de- mist lot quicker than my office managers because my car was slightly newer. So.

Normally, the norm would be I would drive off and off I go home and give a little honker away even see you later and off you go. That evening she drove off before me and I remember sitting in my car and just thinking this this doesn't feel right. It was so steamed up and it wasn't de-misting him. And so I looked behind me a bit like a horror film and thought thank goodness he's not sitting there. But then at that point I was about to drive off and I smell aftershave and I knew

at that point that something wasn't right, but it isn't a logical situation. So my brain was going all over the place. So I put my hand behind me like this in the foot well, felt my picnic blanket that had been in the boot of my car. So I opened the door, walked around to the boot of the car and lifted the boot up and in the boot at that point was my then husband with knives, cable ties, tape. Managed to run, thankfully. And one of my colleagues came out, he did grab me and two gentlemen came out from another building.

Because they came out, he then fled off in my vehicle, what was left running, because the engine was running. And subsequently, he was caught by the police the next day and put in prison. But what he'd done was spend three days plotting what would have been effectively my kidnapping, my murder. He had driven to my home and angle grinded through the door to steal the spare car key, then driven to my place of work, left his car around the corner, got into the boot of mine. It was a hatchback. So the seats had been loosened. And obviously, he would have driven.

or when I was driving off, he would have come through the seats. And the rest, I don't need to know what was happening. Obviously the police do because it was captured in evidence. for me, that was the point where my life was supposed to end, but actually my life began again in a very different format. Shall we say to what it was before? So yeah, I guess, you know, I'm very lucky to be here and use the voice that I have to empower others.

Speaker 2 (06:50)

I mean, that's actually the first time I've heard your story. I know we've been in touch and we've talked before, but it's, you don't even really know what to say. I mean, I've just got full body chills and like, thank God you listened to that voice and you listened to those little tiny things and got out and didn't drive off.

Speaker 1 (07:09)

Yeah, was those seconds of decision that, yeah, I don't know whether to relate it to a sixth sense or I say I have a guardian angel and I have a tattoo of a feather on my wrist for that reason because there was something that just made me go, no, this isn't right. But obviously it was such a far fetched situation to be in. So the whole of my mind was so confused at that point. But I think, yeah, I mean,

I was very lucky. I know how lucky I am. I know there's a lot of people that aren't as lucky as me. anything we can do, whether it be through empowering people to make a change, learn how to defend themselves in the best way possible, have education, all of these things come together to ultimately create a pathway for victims and survivors to live an abuse free life.

Speaker 2 (07:57)

I guess it's one of those things that you just think it's never going to happen to me and you're in that relationship that seems the perfect relationship and you just can't believe it's happening

Speaker 1 (08:07)

Yeah, It's a cycle. So the cycle of abuse, you go round, round and round. And obviously you have the eggshells bit where you're walking on the eggshells. can feel that tension. You have an incident, whether it be emotional, physical, a form of abuse. And then you have that, I'm sorry, it won't happen again, or it's your fault that it happened. And then you have the honeymoon period. So you're always going round in this cycle. Some people will have one cycle. Some people will have thousands of cycles. Some people have

big gaps between them. Others have no gap between those cycles where they go through. But ultimately, yeah, it was the tick box of abusive behavior that I was experiencing. And it took me to, I guess, find that inner the strength through the loss of losing everything in my life effectively, apart from my children. Yeah, it was that kind of penny drop moment where I was just like, can't, I can't do this anymore. But I was fortunate that I found that in the strength to be able to do that. And not everyone.

finds it is easy to take that first step. And again, that's why we need to be giving people the confidence and empowering them to be able to make these decisions with the support that's out there.

Speaker 2 (09:10)

Definitely. And so for people that aren't familiar with this subject, could you talk us through the different types of abuse that they may face? Because I know a lot of people, just think, it's domestic violence, but it's not just that. It can be other things as well.

Speaker 1 (09:30)

Yeah, there's so many different tactics that a perpetrator can use to control their victim. without education, a lot of people don't understand that. And if you're not educated, you're not going to know, are you? There's things like isolation. We've touched on that. But the isolation of somebody is a key tactic because you take away someone's support network. You're going to see for them to speak out and say to potentially their friend, family, colleague, this is happening. And for them to say, no, actually, that's not OK.

if you isolate them, they don't have those people to go to, but they also don't have a pathway to potentially leave the relationship with the support in place. So isolation is one of the tactics. We have the emotional abuse. So, you know, it's calling them names, putting them down, really taking away their confidence as an individual, the coercive control, the tracking on the phones, the telling them where to go, who to see, who to speak to, economic abuse.

as well. So 95 % of people currently that experience domestic abuse will experience a form of economic abuse. That's because financially, if you take someone's finances, you're already controlling them, because someone doesn't have any funds to go out with their friends they're not allowed to do or go and buy those clothes that you're not allowed to wear, for example. That's also obviously impacting their work as well with that. So they could be prevented from getting to work, for example, prevented from doing their job properly, children.

As well, know children become victims of abuse in their own right, but they can also be used if somebody finds the strength to leave a relationship. So the one thing that we need to be mindful of as well when we're speaking about domestic abuse is, yes, it happens when you're in the relationship, but it can continue afterwards and it becomes post-separation abuse. And when you leave a relationship is statistically when you're most in danger because you're taking the power and control away. So if you imagine, if you find the strength to leave,

Yes, of course, statistically, that's when you're most in danger. You start to rebuild your life, but you have children with a perpetrator. They can then be used to harass, know, picking the children up, for example, to harass the victim survivor. They can relay messages. So, you know, all of these things, I mean, that's just a few of the examples that I can kind of bring in. We've got using privilege. So this is where one person defines how a household is run. So defines all of the duties within a household.

For example, we've got, of course, the physical abuse that it does escalate to, and that's often the area that instills the most fear. So if there's that fear of it escalating to the physical side, you will comply most of the time because you don't want it to escalate. And then sexual abuse as well. Sex should be an act that we do because we want to as two individuals, for example, not because you're made to on demand or you have to have makeup sex, which is really humiliating.

So there are many, many other forms, but when we're just looking at that, there's already those forms that is about power and control. All of it is about power and control of one individual over another person. And what one person may experience may be very different to another. One person may experience just one form of abuse, type of abuse, that's still abuse. Coercive control without physical abuse is still abuse. So there's so many different forms that it can take.

Speaker 2 (12:41)

I think people will be surprised just quite how many different forms it does take. And it's just something that's not talked about much because people feel shameful. They kind of feel like they should have this perfect relationship or they think it must be something that they've done wrong. And of course, it's nothing that they've done. It's all on the perpetrator. But you feel that embarrassment and kind of like...

You know, guess it's disbelief as well that is this really happening to me? Yeah.

Speaker 1 (13:10)

I think there's lots of barriers as to why somebody wouldn't come forward. It might be that they believe the abuse is their fault. If you've been being told for days, months, years because of you, they might start believing it. The loss of contact with children as well is often brought up because if the victim's survivor is leaving and the children are left with the perpetrator.

that contact is going to be lost. And of course you can fight through the courts to get custody, but it takes time. So that can often be a barrier, But we also have things like that people are scared of being seen or judged as weak. Survivors and victims of domestic abuse are the strongest people you'll ever meet because they've learned how to protect themselves.

and keep themselves safe. But at that point, of course, they don't see themselves in that way. So there's that fear of the judgment or they could be somebody that's quite well known in society, whether it be in the community or in the workplace, for example, and they're worried about what people will think. So there's lots of different reasons why someone wouldn't come forward. And unfortunately, sometimes people will never come forward. However much you can try, they will live their life in that abusive relationship. But we as a society have a duty of care.

everyone around us if we see some signs to intervene and say are you okay and start a conversation and show that you are there if they need you.

Speaker 2 (14:26)

And so if you've got a friend or a work colleague then, and you just feel like something's not right or there might be some signs you've just got some concerns. Is that what you just start a conversation asking them if they're okay? Or I guess people would kind of cover up to an extent, they get used to covering up. I guess it's difficult to know how to judge those conversations.

Speaker 1 (14:47)

It's really hard because we don't want to pry on people's what we think is personal life, of course. But we have a duty of care, So if we are spotting signs in those around us, whether it be changes in behaviour, obviously in the workplace, it's, know, frequent absence, there's a drop in performance, lots of personal calls. I mean, they're just a few of the signs. But if you are noticing somebody changing or you feel like something isn't right,

it is about having a conversation, but there are some things you can do. Think about where you're having that conversation for one. So if it is a meeting room at work, I always say don't do that in a meeting room with no windows because that can feel quite enclosed. So if there's an opportunity to have a conversation in a room with windows, absolutely. Can you go for a walk and do walk and talk? That's much better. The body language, that individual, the...

maybe wants to open up, hasn't then got to make the eye contact and everything else. They can just talk and they can in their own kind of time. And so there are tips and you the language that we use as well. If I said to you, are you experiencing domestic abuse, that's not going to work because it's a very strong word. And often people won't necessarily realize it's domestic abuse they're experiencing. So it's things like saying, are you okay? You don't seem to be yourself at the moment.

If they say yes, okay, well, if you ever need me, you know, I'm here for you and I'm just checking in and making sure you're all good. And don't be afraid to ask them again. We touched on the cycle of abuse, depending on where they are in the cycle could make a difference as to whether they would disclose. And then if they do say yes, they do need some help. Okay, know, taking that next level. So are you having any difficulties in your relationship at the moment? Is there anything happening at home that you want to speak about? Not going straight in with the, you know, the hard...

language, shall we say, and also not controlling the situation. Because ultimately at that point, people that haven't had training will probably go, right, okay, you're going to move in with me, you're going to go pack your bags. That could be a very short term fix could actually put them in a lot more danger because ultimately they'd have to go back again. So it's working with them and saying, okay, let's have a conversation and speak about what's been happening. And then signpost.

Speaker 2 (16:42)

All of them, don't you? You just want to be like, yeah, I'll do anything.

Speaker 1 (16:59)

everyone's job, unless you're a frontline support service, or you know, you're the police or you're a specialist, is to signpost to those services, because they are the ones that can do the risk assessments. They are the ones that understand that the levels of abuse and what support that individual may need. Do they need to go in a refuge? Do they need some help with safety? Do they need an advance on their wages, for example, if that's possible in the workplace to be able to give them the deposit to move out for

you know, to rent a new place. So there's so many different parts that kind of, it's a bit like a jigsaw, but what you don't want to do is take over, but you're showing you're there to help and you're signposting them and supporting them through that process as best you can, but it's not your responsibility to save them effectively. But by following that process, potentially will do.

Speaker 2 (17:46)

Yeah, I think as a friend or just as a good person, want to save people, don't you? want to help them as best you can. But I think if people know that just by opening up that conversation, that could be the thing that does save them. But they have to do it in a supported way in their own time when everything's been organised and sorted out to be as safe as possible.

Speaker 1 (18:08)

Yeah, absolutely. And that just goes back to when you leave a relationship statistically, that's when you're most in danger. That was when my life was endangered, more so than it had been before, because I'd taken the control away. But it's about signposting them and creating the safest pathway possible, if and when they want to leave and not taking over that situation. being there.

and guiding them and supporting them as best you can. But also being mindful of yourself because if you're then dealing with that person, it can affect your wellbeing. Of course it can because they're not nice situations to be in. But ultimately by working together, it can make a huge difference.

Speaker 2 (18:49)

if someone is watching this now and they're in an abusive relationship and they're okay, it's my time now to do something about this. Where can they start with that? Because it must be overwhelming to try and think about that.

Speaker 1 (19:07)

Yeah, I think the first bit of advice I would say is speak to a support service. There are many of them that give a person-centered approach. And when I say that, what I mean is, depending on the gender you identify with, for example, or the community space that you're in, the culture you're in, et cetera, there are specialist services that can give the best advice. So for example, you have Karma Nirvana.

who work with honor-based abuse. They can be found, I don't know the numbers off the top of my head, but they can be found on Google. yeah. So Galop, specialize in the LGBTQ plus communities. We have mankind initiative for men, we've got refuge and women's aid for women, but there is the national domestic abuse helpline as well. But ultimately, the one thing I would say, and this is what I've come across more so is,

Speaker 2 (19:36)

I everything below.

Speaker 1 (19:58)

Often people think that if you go to a support service, you have to do the next step. That's not what it's about. So there's that fear of, if I go and I change my mind, of course you can. So just see it as that first step. And just because you're taking that first step doesn't mean you have to take any further, but have that conversation. And then you might want some time to process that. That's fine. As long as you are in a safe space, of course. If you're not, then ultimately you need to ring 999. That's really important and speak to the police.

because they will step in and they will help you in safeguard. But if you're in a position where you've been maybe living with it and you're hitting that brick wall that I hit, an internal brick wall, look at those support services, have the conversation, speak to your employer as well, because if you can't find the time to speak to the support services, because for me, work was the only place I was away from my perpetrator.

wouldn't have been able to speak to support services anywhere else. if it is something that you want to do, speak to your employer and ask if you can have the time to speak to them during work hours so your perpetrator will not know. And I'd like to think that they would accommodate that.

Speaker 2 (21:02)

Yeah,

because I guess if you're at home you're just going be looking over your shoulder the whole time. It's just not...

Speaker 1 (21:07)

I

say, your phone, your phone could be being checked, you know, so, you know, do you want to use your mobile? Probably not because they'll check your bill. They'll check. So all of those things. So if you can go to the workplace and ask to use a work phone and do it in a safe space, this is why I educate businesses because you can just see that difference that that could make to somebody to be given a meeting room or a safe space with a mobile phone or whatever phone to have that conversation and then decide for them, is it time to go? They need more time. What does it look like? But you're giving them.

the control back in their life to make the decision.

Speaker 2 (21:39)

the support kind of service that you go to will then help you decide, right, what's the next step after that? What do I need to do? How can I leave safely? And I guess they'll be there to guide you through that.

Speaker 1 (21:54)

Yeah, and they'll give you different advice. Obviously, it depends on your situation and what you need. Some of them have survivors groups afterwards, for example, if you've managed to get out in a safe way and you just want to build up your confidence, some of them run different programs. So there's the freedom program, which is one of them, which is about understanding abuse and building up your boundaries and having boundaries in place for future. Would someone benefit from that, for example? But it's done with the consent of the

victim survivor at the pace they need unless there is a duty of care and someone has to step in for their safety because ultimately you know if there is a disclosure where that person is extremely high risk and is likely to become a homicide victim then of course people have a duty of care to step in at that point.

Speaker 2 (22:43)

Okay. And what about if you're at the beginning of a relationship or you're in a long-term relationship but you just notice those red flags because people can change over time and it's not just a new relationship, it can happen at any point a partner can change. So you start to maybe notice some red flags but nothing solid has happened yet or it's kind of a creep isn't it? Yeah. What's things for people to look out for and

and how can they deal with those things as they're happening?

Speaker 1 (23:15)

think if it feels, if you're in a relationship and it feels uncomfortable for you, then it's not right. you know, everyone has different, I guess, boundaries of what they see as being or what they will accept in their life. And everyone's entitled to their own, to live the life the way they want to. But if you are with a partner and you start seeing some signs or, you know, having some situations that you don't feel comfortable, first of all, speak to that partner. Because it could be that I'd like to think they don't notice what the behavior has changed. And they'll say,

I'm really sorry, you know, and they can adjust and it will be resolved. You know, that would be the first thing because people do have ups and downs in relationships as well. We need to remember that. But this is about the other person saying, I didn't realize that upset you or I'm really sorry. It won't happen again or I'll change the behavior. But if it then continues and escalates, then to me, that's abuse. they're doing it intentionally. They've had an opportunity.

if it's those minor things, obviously if someone all of a sudden starts physically abusing you, that's you've gone to a different point. But if it's someone starting to be a little bit more, I don't know, controlling about, well, I want you back at this time. You never used to do that and that's not okay. I understand, what's the reason for that? I'm worried because more people are potentially experiencing just general abuse on the streets. I wasn't, I was coming at it from a malicious way.

Okay, well actually I'm telling you that I'm fine and I'm going to get a taxi, booked a taxi and I'm going to be home when I come home. I'm really sorry. You know, that can kind of be okay, but it's when it escalates as well. And if they won't change that behavior, then you need to be looking at that relationship as a not healthy relationship for you anymore and trying to get out of the relationship. Some people will be able to leave the relationship very, very easily if it's at the kind of that.

that starting point, but others it will escalate very, very quickly. So anyone who is experienced that needs to be mindful that it could escalate quite quickly as well. But people like Refuge, the domestic abuse help line, they aren't there for the high risk, they're there for everybody. So if it is even a minor thing for you that you think, I'm not so sure, you can still speak to a support service and they will give you advice at that point as well.

But ultimately that's what we want. We want more people coming forward at that point to say, this has happened, not quite sure, what do you think? To be able to get to before it really escalates. Yeah. And then, you know, they're trapped in that relationship. So, yeah, that's exactly what people are there for.

Speaker 2 (25:24)

that thing.

I I would just also say as well, if you do phone one of these support services and you don't maybe feel like you get the response that you need, I know a lot of are very good but I have heard as well some people who have kind of not got what they needed, there's lots of other services out there because if you're worried then you should be getting support so just try a different one.

Speaker 1 (25:51)

Absolutely.

Absolutely, you know, there are many, many, many different ones as well. So if one doesn't suit you the way you want it to, then go to a different one. Also, if you don't want to speak to people like Google, I know I shouldn't point people to Google, but if you're not in a space where you don't even want to bring a helpline, you can Google and find information as well, which might just help you understand what you're experiencing. The Duluth wheel, so it's also known as the power and control wheel.

was created in Duluth in Minnesota and it speaks about all the different forms of abuse. It showcases as a wheel. It also, if you go onto the Duluth website, they have one around economic abuse. They have different types of wheels. So if you were experiencing abuse and wanted to understand, or wanted to understand if what you were experiencing was abuse, that's a really useful tool. So you can find that online. there is information there that you'll have to...

Speaker 2 (26:48)

to someone.

Okay well that's really helpful I'm sure that will help a lot of people. I'm going to list some information below about what you do and how people can get involved in that but could you just tell us and I know you go into workplaces and train workplaces and I certainly think everyone should be asking their employer do you have a domestic abuse policy are you able to put training on for people can you tell us a little bit about

what you do and how they can access your services.

Speaker 1 (27:17)

Yeah, absolutely. So I work with businesses predominantly across the UK, educating them on domestic abuse so that all employees understand what is domestic abuse, the forms it obviously takes, the signs to look out for, how do we start a conversation, where do we refer to, obviously what we've been speaking about today, but in a lot more detail, because ultimately, workplaces can often be the only safe space. So

It is working, it is changing and saving lives. Also having a policy, I've created a policy that is a free template, domestic abuse policy that organisations across the UK are downloading and using. It's adaptable. So there is no, in my mind, there's no excuse because you can have that for free. That's a free tool. Obviously you can't have, well, you can have it, but it's part of a process. You need education and training. You need to change the culture in that workplace so that every individual there can come forward if they need it.

But it is saving and changing lives. absolutely, if anyone is watching this and hearing this and wonders if they've got a domestic abuse policy at work, go and check, go and find out. And if you haven't, you can go onto my website and download it for free or encourage your managers, you've got HR teams, download it. And again, education and training. So, so important for organizations, not just for the victims that are living with it now or people that will potentially become victims.

but also as a preventative measure because often people come on one of my sessions and then say, I didn't realize that was abuse. Okay, my boundaries have changed. So just from doing that session, if they met somebody new, they've already got that boundary that goes, no, no, no, this isn't quite right for me. Thank you very much. So it is working. It's just spreading it further afield so everyone has the same education and support that they need.

Speaker 2 (29:04)

Yeah. that's great. And I'll list all your links below so people can find those. Thank you. I just.

I hope that's been really useful. I'm sure it's been really useful for people. just like you said, giving yourself that confidence to set your own boundaries and challenge the red flags and the behaviors before things escalate, just to know that if I'm not comfortable in this relationship, I can speak up, I can challenge that, and I can make changes that's for the best for how you feel.

Speaker 1 (29:36)

Yeah, and I think, you know, obviously the work that you do with the self-defense and building the confidence is so important for people that have lived through it and kind of come out the other side potentially, just to have that extra bit of confidence and understanding on how to defend yourself if you need to is absolutely so needed.

Yeah, the resilience it will give you as well. Absolutely. I encourage everyone to do it.

Speaker 2 (30:00)

Well, thank you Sharon. That's absolutely brilliant. Thanks for your time. Yeah, I hope people will get in touch and get their workplaces on board with this.

Speaker 1 (30:04)

Thank very much.

Absolutely, thank you.