Self Defence for Women - Live an Empowered Life

Empower Yourself: The Art of Setting Boundaries

• Julie Waite & Dene Josham • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Do you feel guilty for saying no? Struggle to protect your time, energy, or peace? You’re not alone — and it’s time to change that.

In this episode, Julie Waite, women's safety advocate, and Dene Josham, self defence expert and former A-list bodyguard, unpack how boundary-setting is a core part of emotional self-defence. They explore the types of boundaries we all need — emotional, physical, time, and personal — and how to communicate them with clarity and confidence.

Learn how to deal with guilt, stand firm when people push back, and protect your emotional energy without apology.

“Every time you say ‘no’ to what drains you, you say ‘yes’ to your self-worth.” – Julie Waite

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Julie Waite (00:00)
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling completely drained, like someone just took all your energy and left you exhausted? Or maybe you said yes to something when every part of you wanted to say no, just to avoid feeling guilty or making someone upset. If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. Setting boundaries is something so many of us struggle with, yet it's one of the most powerful tools for protecting our mental and emotional wellbeing. The truth is, boundaries aren't rude and it's not about pushing people away.

It's about protecting your peace. It's about deciding what you will and won't accept. Who gets access to your time and energy and making it clear that your wellbeing matters. But here's the challenge. Many of us have been conditioned to put other people's comfort above our own, to avoid conflict and to keep the peace at the expense of ourselves. That can change today. This is part two of our three part series on emotional self defence. And today we're looking at how to set.

boundaries that actually stick? What are the most common types of boundaries and why it's so hard to enforce them? Most importantly, how can you start standing your ground without guilt? Welcome to Self Defence for Women - Live an Empowered Life, the podcast that helps you stay safe, feel strong and take control physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm Julie Waite and alongside me is self defence expert Dene Josham.

And together we'll break down the psychology of boundary setting and how you can finally start protecting your energy. So let's get into it. So, Dene, setting boundaries. Where should we start with this subject? Because it's quite a difficult one for people to get their heads round.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (01:34)
Yeah,

I think it's so important to realize you've got to set boundaries because if you don't set boundaries people set them for you. So yeah for me

Julie Waite (01:43)
Yeah, people

will choose for you, won't they? Then you won't get any stay in it,

Dene - Streetwise Defence (01:48)
Yeah. And also I think some of this is a reflection to look at ourselves as well, because I know I've been a people pleaser and that potentially is from childhood, how I've been conditioned or things that might have happened to me. And looking back to realize how I am like I am, then that helps me with a lot of clarity to how I can change that in a positive way for me and other people around me as well. So, you know, boundary setting for me,

you don't have to do this, if you can name the behavior and why it makes you feel uncomfortable to yourself, and then if you want to share that with a person, then do that because communication is massive. And that's where most things break down in miscommunication or if it's being misinterpreted. So it's that, you know, explaining that and then making sure the other person knows what you mean from what you've said, not what they think you mean.

Julie Waite (02:37)
So that's what you see as step one of setting a boundary is naming what it is and then explaining it to the other person.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (02:45)
Yeah, for naming it to myself as well. Realizing within myself first that oh that's the behaviour in that person, uncomfortable with that and then how do you approach that to the person because if somebody's quite defensive or spins around and

Julie Waite (02:51)
Right, okay.

Mmm.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (03:07)
throws out as an attack on you then that can potentially stop us from setting that boundary with that person because you sometimes you know how people are going to react don't you? Or you're accusing me this it's like no I need to tell you because that's my boundary and I'm not comfortable with it and I want you to know so you know our relationship still is healthy and grows and and we have a better understanding of each other because you might have misinterpreted what my boundaries were so at any stage you can set them

Julie Waite (03:09)
Mm.

Yeah.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (03:33)
And at any stage you can change them. That's a personal thing, isn't it? It's not just set in stone. Maybe there are certain boundaries that that's it for everybody and I'm never gonna change them, that's fine. But realizing that's the flexibility you have yourself to change your boundaries when and wherever you see fit.

Julie Waite (03:50)
I guess then when you decide, you've decided that someone's kind of encroached or crossed over the line, you don't like what they've done and then you need to talk to them about it. I guess there's not really much other way than you just have to be direct and really clear about what it is. Cause a lot, I know I have in the past, you try and skirt around things cause you're just a bit embarrassed and whatever, but.

then people don't get it, do they? I think you just have to just be really clear and just say to them, I feel uncomfortable that you have done this or said this and then tell them specifically what it was, the exact words, and I don't want it to happen again or I don't want you to talk to me like that or treat me like that or ask me to do that or whatever it is.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (04:37)
Yes, whether that's something they've said or, you know, the other kind of boundaries that you need to set as well, physical ones and all that. I know we're to look at that in a minute. And it's I think also it's getting your timing right because, you know, we're all very busy. I understand, you know, certain people in my life that there's times where

there's no point in trying to engage with them because they're very busy or focused on doing something else, whether that's work, family stuff, whatever. So it's like picking your time where you think they're going to be more susceptible to listen to you and understand and not potentially be defensive or try and flip that round on you. And also coming from the place of, know, this is about our relationship to keep it healthy, make it healthier. And it's not an attack. And I think that's what we do.

subconsciously maybe we you know somebody says something and we see it as a criticism and an attack so we go on the defensive or the attack and it's just trying to make the other person realize you're coming from a from a good place.

Julie Waite (05:34)
Yeah. Okay. So I guess then you've set your boundary and they may not acknowledge that they've done the thing. A lot of people, certainly if you're dealing with like narcissists or some sort of toxic relationship or someone who's manipulative, they might not even recognise what you're saying.

So where do you go from there if you say, you know, I feel like you've disrespected me because you've done this, I don't want you to do it again and they say, well, you're being sensitive or I didn't do that, I didn't say that or I didn't mean it like that. Where do you go from there?

Dene - Streetwise Defence (06:05)
Yeah,

yeah, it's real tricky isn't it because depending on their person and I say if they are not a narcissist then you're never gonna get potentially the response you deserve and should have for setting your boundaries and if you don't get that then Do know who you're dealing with? Because like I think they said before you know, if that's a good person They should respect that and it's how you I think how you deliver it as well I always try and see it from the other person's point of view personally. So,

just want to highlight this, you spoke to me like that, or you did this, would you be happy if somebody did that to you? And the answer you get is going to tell you a lot for me, because, you know, if it is reasonable, and it's your boundary, then the other person would accept that if they don't, and that just highlights to me again, that person isn't listening to me, isn't bothered about me, potentially doesn't respect me. And okay, well, I can still highlight the boundaries. And if

a person for me if they say you've misread that and then it's like okay well just to make things clear then you know so we were both clear this is my boundary this is what I mean you can also tell them what you do what you don't want to happen or for them to do you know again this is all you know choice because it's very difficult depending on who the person is because it can be an uncomfortable conversation

Julie Waite (07:09)
Yeah.

Yeah,

I think as well, just to stand firm once you have set your boundary, not to backtrack, not to have to negotiate it, or it's your choice to say how you feel and how you want it to be treated. They will then choose how they react to that. And if they don't react the way that you want them to, you then have to choose

Dene - Streetwise Defence (07:31)
Yeah, definitely.

Julie Waite (07:41)
how you're going to deal with that person in future, whether you can distance yourself from them, whether, you know, if it's someone in a relationship with, whether you want to continue in the relationship, whether it's someone at work, whether you need to take things down like a HR route, whether you can avoid them, it's just trying to think how can I deal with that person now? I've set my boundary.

If they accept it, that's great, problem solved. If they don't, you then have to make some quite difficult choices about your interactions with them and kind of how close you're going to be to them going forwards.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (08:05)
Yeah.

Yes, our reality isn't it that you might have to you might lose some relationships relationships might change. That's just unfortunate part of setting your boundaries. And that shouldn't be like that. But it potentially can be like I said before about stepping away from people or distancing myself because like we said earlier, it's about your inner peace. You know, I say this to the kids, my son laughs at me. It's about you inner a peace, dad. And it is because

that affects the outside as well, isn't it? So it's definitely about thinking you might have to step away from people

Julie Waite (08:47)
Bye.

what you said about the inner peace bit. Statistics here, one from Harvard Business Review that says, only 38 % of people feel comfortable setting strong personal boundaries. One from Mental Health Foundation in the UK, which says poor boundary setting is a leading cause of burnout in relationships and workplaces. And one from Mayo Clinic, which says toxic relationships significantly impact mental health.

People who struggle to set emotional boundaries have higher rates of anxiety and depression. And I think that's because if you're saying yes to someone when you want to say no, if you're brushing off digs, mean comments, things that put you down, personal attacks, if you're kind of letting yourself suffer instead of standing up to other people.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (09:30)
personal attacks.

Julie Waite (09:39)
it weighs down on you and it burdens you and it's almost like what you're going to suffer either way. So you can either be the one that takes these attacks and that takes the digs and the comments and you know your time gets used and drained and your energy gets drained and you're suffering in that way or you can suffer by thinking, just don't want to have to stand up and set a boundary for myself but it's going to be uncomfortable.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (09:41)
It's.

Julie Waite (10:06)
But that to me is the, it's a slightly harder to do in the moment, but longer term, you feel better because you stood up for yourself. And I think if you don't stand up for yourself, it does wear you down inside.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (10:18)
massive it's always it's kind of like when you said all that it's me think I was thinking do you know what we'd rather have an internal battle well not not everybody but it's we kind of process yeah it's easy to battle within myself than it is to speak my truth and potentially somebody else get offended and like I always say if we're more worried about offending somebody else and we're we are about personal safety and our inner a piece then that's for me I'd have to I've

Julie Waite (10:30)
A lot of us would.

Yeah.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (10:47)
had to reflect and I think we all should because your inner a peace is priceless. Nobody's worth that inner a peace. So it's easy to battle ourselves and it is to stand in our, you know, worth and set our boundaries physically, emotionally, whatever that is.

Julie Waite (10:54)
Yeah.

Yeah, and if they're a good person, then they should respect you anyway. And if they don't respect you, so if you do end up having that conflict that you'd worried about, it kind of confirms in your mind that you were right about them and you then have to choose your way forward. I think it's worth recognising that there's different types of boundaries, like you said. So there's the physical boundary, which is like your own personal space, unwanted contact, unwanted touch.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (11:05)
Yeah.

Julie Waite (11:28)
And that's something that I struggled with in the past where, you know, you've been in a workplace and someone put their hand on you or their arm on you or touch your knee or whatever and you don't like it and you don't want it but you don't want to be the one that's then making a scene or making something uncomfortable when you know the response you're going to get is, I was just, you know.

I've just been friendly and...

Dene - Streetwise Defence (11:57)
You know, I'm

a touchy feely person and you go that's okay. That's okay for you But for me, I don't I'm not a touchy feely person So please, you know go and touchy feely cuddle other people if they're happy for that But for me just remember every time you know we interact I don't want a cuddle at the end or pat on the back or you know a physical contact because I'm me and that's that's what I'm not comfortable with so and so yeah, it's tricky isn't it because a lot of people can

Julie Waite (12:00)
Yeah, that's how I am. Yeah.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (12:25)
be defensive and think you're having a go at him or whatever but it's the delivery of how you can get it across you know empathetically without but then again if it's a toxic person a bad person they're going to miss they're going to interpret how they want it to anyway so yeah

Julie Waite (12:39)
And even if

they're not, sometimes people just have to be offended and they have to get on with it and deal with it. And I'm saying this as being someone who really did not used to set boundaries. I used to just be so, so bad at it and I still find it so, so hard. But I know I have to do it because I've seen how things escalate and I won't let that happen again. think sometimes it almost takes you to have quite an extreme experience.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (12:44)
Yeah.

Julie Waite (13:06)
like I know you have in a relationship, I have in a workplace and once you've had that extreme experience you then like stand firm in it but I think a lot of people are just on a daily basis having these like small blows of you know just like low level attacks that then builds up and it does cause this anxiety and burnout and just a low mood because you think

or I have to deal with that person and they're going to say this or they're going to do that and I don't, you're going to cringe and you're going to be uncomfortable but you don't want to say anything and you just sometimes you just have to go I'm just going to do it and it is going to cause a conflict and they're just going to have to be offended.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (13:33)
Yeah.

It's that pain you sometimes you have to go through for like say further down the line where yeah. And also I sort of think if you look at your life, who you're dealing with, how many people in your life you sort of before you see them, you're kind of preempting it or prepping for it or you go, oh no, I've got to and see something. It's like for me, I used to be a very yes. Oh yes, yes. You know, and I would say yes to lot of things. I'm like, why, why, why? Oh, I've done it again. said, yeah, because

Julie Waite (13:46)
for the inner peace.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (14:12)
I didn't want to upset the person or, you know, for whatever reasons. I'm like, now I'm like, no, my time, and maybe it's because I got a bit older, I'm like, the time more limited. I want to spend it with the people, the good people rather than, you know, I used to say yes to a lot of work. Yes, I'll do that straight away about thinking it through. And now I'm like, I'm more selective because I know it affected me a lot.

Julie Waite (14:21)
Mm.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (14:35)
and potentially the people around me as well, know, especially time wise, you know, not being there for key people, more important people.

Julie Waite (14:43)
think we said there's different types of boundaries, so this physical that we mentioned, you just mentioned there, time and energy, that's a massive one and all of us, I think, say yes to things just because you don't want to turn the person down, you don't want to say no, but you have to, otherwise you just get pulled in so many different directions and it can even be something like saying yes to going out with some friends that you just don't want to go out with anymore but you've been friends with them for years and you don't want to say no.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (14:59)
Yeah. Yeah.

Julie Waite (15:12)
because you don't want to be mean, but you've moved on and they drain you and you don't look forward to it. If you're not looking forward to it and if it's not like, I just think if it's not like a, like yes, yes, I really want to do this, really looking forward to it, then it should, a lot of the time it should be a no.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (15:14)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you like it.

Yeah. And also I think

looking at your life, I'm like, know, my life very different from 20 years ago. And it's like, you we evolve, we change different priorities. And it's like me, you know, me going out for a night out, I'm like, no, cause I don't, I've never been like that anyway, but it just does, I've got so much better, more better things to do with my time with people I want to be with. Not saying, you know, don't value some of my friends, you know, but that's just not me anymore. And I'm, I'm comfortable with saying, no, I'm, yeah, I'm good. Thank you.

Julie Waite (15:40)
you

Dene - Streetwise Defence (15:56)
but have a great night.

Julie Waite (15:59)
Other types of boundaries is emotional, kind of limiting the negative energy that you get from toxic people. this is a big one, because if you're spending time with people that you just don't get a good feeling off, then that is going to affect your mood and levels of anxiety as well. And I think just being able to like either just not

get into situations where you spend time with them or if you do and then they maybe they start complaining about something or they start like gossiping and and then you kind of you get drawn into it and you don't want to and you just have to say i don't want to talk about that i don't want to talk about other people let's change the subject otherwise you just sit there and listen to

Dene - Streetwise Defence (16:26)
yeah.

Yeah.

Julie Waite (16:43)
I know what you're going to say next, you've got a good example haven't you? Go on.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (16:45)
I'm sure

anyone who's listening or watching this are like my gosh yeah it's like for me I don't watch certain TV programs because it's just negative and then when I smile then because I've got a really good mate my dear mate he's such an awesome human being and this is a few years ago and I'm not going to obviously name names but we used to go out and have a couple of pints then just to have a catch-up and every time he went out he used to talk about

certain relationship in his life and I actually got to the point where I said to him when I sat down and said I said mate I'm sorry but every time we come out you say the same stuff we go the same stuff I'm like yeah you're a great guy great friend but please can we either can you either do something about that relationship or can we not talk about it because it was just so negative all the time and you know they say energy vampires but I mean he's a good human being he's a great bloke and I look at

Julie Waite (17:36)
Mmm.

Yeah.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (17:42)
bits but just that it was like every time you know you're getting and he'd start you go like oh here we go again you know oh please please and if I could have helped him I wanted to yeah yeah

Julie Waite (17:44)
Mmm.

Yeah, because you want to help people. Yeah, I'm sure you're giving advice, what

if it was wanted and whatever, it's hard because you've got a friend and you want to be there for your friend, but there comes a point where they're just repeating the same thing over and over again. They're not changing, they're not doing anything.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (17:56)
offload yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

Julie Waite (18:07)
you have to, like you say, if it's affecting you on your energy levels, then you have to say something.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (18:08)
Yeah, yeah,

Julie Waite (18:13)
as well, think once you've set a boundary, the best way to enforce it is just to live by it. for example, like if let's say your boss or work colleague is emailing you late at night and expecting you to reply late at night, and let's say you've had a conversation about this just to say,

look, I can't reply at night because that's my family time, but I'll reply in the morning. You then need to not reply at night because it is tempting then, or you need to then turn off your notifications and not get drawn into it because quite often people set a boundary then they'll carry on letting the person do the thing anyway. Or you'll say like, you know, I can't, you know, maybe it's a family member who's criticizing you and you have a conversation with them and say,

look, I feel like this and I don't want you to make comments about me. And then they carry on doing it. You then have to kind of live by what you've said and then pull them up on it and just say, I'm not going to have this conversation with you now because you're doing what I asked you not to do. And I think that's the big part of it is actually sticking by your boundaries and living by it and showing them and walking away from if someone's having a go at you or they're saying things.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (19:18)
it

Julie Waite (19:30)
walking away from the conversation and saying things like, I will talk to you about this, but not when you're shouting at me, or I will talk to you about this, but not if you're going to criticise me, and making sure that you do follow through on that.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (19:36)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the that's the reality and the truth isn't it that you there might be some conflict, you know, we're not there yet where everyone accepts everybody and what you everyone's gonna accept what you say because they're coming from their viewpoint and they might skew it out a bit. And that's what the reality I think we have to realize we've set in boundaries and potentially speaking to people that there might be pushback and that's okay. Well, it's okay. It's kind of expected and

it's probably not okay, but it's realizing that's going to be the nature of some people and to be ready for that as well

Julie Waite (20:21)
Yeah. I just want to finish up with a few takeaways for people really to remember on this subject is firstly, setting boundaries isn't selfish. It's really necessary for your own mental health and for healthy relationships around you. Boundaries aren't about pushing people away. What they actually do is filter out the people that you don't really want to be around that aren't good for you.

and just to know that some people won't respect your boundaries. And if they don't respect your boundaries, then they don't respect you. And that is really worth knowing and can help with that guilt that a lot of people feel. So, and it's just something you have to just get on and do. That's what I found. You just have to do it and you just have to feel that pain of like the awkwardness, the guilt, but...

feeling like I'm a bad person should I have said this should I not said it and just have to kind of stand by it and think right they need to respect me if they don't respect me then there's nothing I can do about that but I'm not going to stick with you know the behavior that they're displaying

Dene - Streetwise Defence (21:24)
It's about respecting yourself more. Respecting yourself. Like I was saying, whatever that title is, that person's title, whether it's...

Julie Waite (21:27)
Mm.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (21:35)
boss, a loved one or whatever, take the title away and deal with a person. Because if it's a good human being, they'll treat you right. And if they're not treating you right, and you highlight it, if they're a good human being, then they'll realize that and adjust accordingly. And if they don't, then psychologically, you know what you're dealing with. So in your own head, you understand, I've said that I've made that clear.

they understand that, but they're still acting this way. And you go, okay, my choices are now to remove myself away from that relationship. Or if I still have to deal with them, then I'm processing that a lot better to go, okay, toxic person doesn't respect me. I know where I stand when that communication, if we have to have that,

Julie Waite (22:17)
Yeah. So a little challenge for you is to just set one boundary this week. Think about the interactions that you have. Think about the people. Think about what drains your energy, what doesn't. Is there anything you dread doing, anyone you don't want to talk to, things you keep getting asked to do, where you normally say yes, where you could say no. So just...

you know, just give that a go. And I think the thing to remember is the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And the more you'll start to feel really empowered by that. we're going to next time, we're going to look at part three of this series, which is about the mindset. So tune back in for that.