Stop Apologising: Set Boundaries and Protect Your Energy

Are you tired of saying yes when you mean no? Apologising for things that aren’t your fault? This episode will help you stop people-pleasing and start protecting your energy.

Julie Waite, women's safety advocate, and self-defence expert Dene Josham break down how confidence, boundaries, and self-worth are essential to emotional self-defence — and why saying “no” is a safety skill, not a selfish act.

Learn how to let go of guilt, stand firm in your space, and reclaim your energy without apology.

“You don’t need to shrink to make others comfortable — your boundaries deserve space too.” – Julie Waite

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding Emotional Self-Defense and Mindset
• 7:56 The Importance of Self-Worth in Setting Boundaries
• 10:32 Learning to Say No Without Guilt
• 17:32 Knowing When to Walk Away
• 19:56 Embracing Your Worth and Inner Peace

Transcript

Julie Waite (00:01)

You can have all the tools in the world to set boundaries and protect your energy, but if deep down you feel guilty for standing up for yourself, those tools won't do much good. Does that sound familiar? This is part three of our series on emotional self defence, and today we're talking about mindset. Why do we feel like we have to justify our boundaries? Why do we second-guess ourselves and worry about being too much? And most importantly, how do we shift our thinking so we can stand firm without apology?

Welcome to Self Defence for Women, Live an Empowered Life. I'm Julie Waite, joined by self defence expert, Dene Josham, and together we'll break down how to let go of guilt, trust yourself, and take up space without hesitation. So it's a hard topic, this one, like letting go of guilt and figuring out why you won't set boundaries. I mean, we talked a lot in previous episodes about social conditioning.

I think maybe also you briefly mentioned childhood and the way that you grow up in the world about whether you become a people pleaser, there might be some traumas there that people have gone through that mean they act in a certain way. But what do you think it is that's stopping people from setting boundaries and what can we do about that?

Dene - Streetwise Defence (01:23)

It's uncomfortable, isn't it? we want to be liked, we want to be accepted. Yeah, there's a lot of different elements that come into play here. I know we're a emotional self defence for the mind in a couple of weeks.

And that was because a lady I know reached out because her daughter had something to happen in relationship and you know, this self-worth. And also I think just thinking about that, setting our own boundaries shows to our children and people, if you haven't got children, know, our nieces, nephews and younger ones that yeah, it's good to set your boundaries in the correct way, in the right way and not in an aggressive, horrible way. It's so important.

Julie Waite (01:59)

Yeah, well I've got a statistic here from the American Psychological Association that says that self-doubt is the number one reason that people struggle to enforce and set boundaries. I guess just questioning yourself, not really believing in yourself. But other studies show that people that do practice self-advocacy and setting boundaries have lower levels of stress and stronger mental resilience.

It is worth trying to learn how to do that and trying to shift your mindset to stick up for yourself a bit more and stand up for yourself more.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (02:39)

Yeah, definitely. It's like when you when we teach this self defence and share that knowledge, you've got to understand yourself, you know, looking at everything else. If you don't understand yourself, then it's harder to do certain things. And boundary settings is one of them. If you don't understand why you are a people pleaser and things like that, then that can potentially really stop you from setting boundaries because you put other people first and you go, okay, sometimes we might have to.

But why do I keep doing that? Why am I putting everybody else's happiness, everybody else's time before my own time, before my own happiness? And it can be difficult, you know, and realizing maybe why and how can we address that? Because end of the day your personal, physical, emotional peace, know, and safety.

Julie Waite (03:32)

Yeah.

And I think what you mentioned there about safety as well, from a self-defence perspective, people who are confident and can set boundaries and can stand up for themselves are much less likely to be targeted for either physical or emotional abuse because the type of people that are either targeting you physically or emotionally, they're looking for someone who

will do what they want. They're not looking for someone who's gonna fight them and stand up to them. So that is a big part of this. And I know there's been studies done that show that, for example, predators will look at how someone walks. Are they walking confidently? Or are they walking in a victim state, looking scared and vulnerable? And they're not gonna go for the confident person, because they don't want to fight, they want to...

whether they want to rob you or do whatever else, they will go for the weaker person. Same goes for emotional, for narcissists, manipulators, people who want to control you. They will go for someone that is less confident and able to stand up for themselves, because they know that if you are confident and you putting your boundaries out there, you're not going to put up with their nonsense.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (04:55)

Yeah.

Julie Waite (04:55)

You

know, I think as we've both got older and we've experienced different things, we're in positions in our life now where we're not going to stand up for any nonsense from anyone. And that those people wouldn't even get close to us because we just won't stand for it. So I think if you can know that and you'll have a much better time of things with all the relationships in your life, that might go some way in helping you to decide, you know, shift your mindset to...

Dene - Streetwise Defence (05:10)

Yeah.

Julie Waite (05:25)

Yeah, I can stick up for myself. One, because I deserve it and I'm worth it. And two, because I then will be less likely to get into these toxic relationships in the first place.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (05:38)

Yes, that real understanding isn't it? know, trauma bonds and things like that. Why potentially somebody's a lot of an empath will attract a narcissist. And it's realizing that it's, it's difficult in it because you realize your behavioral patterns that you have and

there are things that will repeat that potentially don't work for us like toxic relationships or destructive habits. And it's like, okay, once you're aware of them, you get that chance to adjust them and change them. Sometimes it isn't easy, but it can be. And it's realizing your self-worth. You are worth looking after physically and emotionally. And the boundaries is a big part of that as well. And I say it's that what you put out there.

people pick up on that as well. you know, I there's really nice, gentle people out there, but you know, still being strong in your boundaries, you know, you can be nice that's fine. and it's that boundary setting that, you shouldn't compromise on just because you're, you know.

Julie Waite (06:29)

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't have to turn

into a completely different person. You know, I think I'm quite a gentle person, but I will stick up for myself when I need to, and I won't take any messing around from people, but you know, you can still be very gentle and kind and sweet and loving in the way that you interact with people. No, I'm definitely not being confrontational. No, that's not me at all. No.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (06:49)

Yay.

Yeah, you're not being confrontational and then you know, all like, you know, like, I'm putting my boundaries in, you will never cross me again and all that. It's not, it's

that's the, you know, hopefully it doesn't come across like that, but you're being firm and, and yeah, standing up for yourself and it might take time. It's, you know, it might take that time of like you said on the other one, doing, doing one little thing, you know, maybe it's saying no to something or you know, something that you've always said yes to because that's the easiest.

Julie Waite (07:04)

No. Yeah.

Something.

Hmm.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (07:22)

and you never really considered it and you go no actually I'm not going to go and do that because I want I don't want to really

Julie Waite (07:28)

Yeah. So if you're thinking, right, OK, I'd like to start setting boundaries. You know, I've recognised I've got these people in my life, different people that are, you know, I don't like how they're treating me. I don't want to be treated like that anymore. You know, you need to set some boundaries, but you also know you need to shift your mindset to kind of develop an emotional strength. Something that you said there is actually the first step.

that we recommend in that is self-worth. So it all starts with self-worth and that has to be the first step in any of this, in any way, shape or form to shift your mindset has to be believing that you are worthy of peace and you are worthy of respect from other people.

It might sound like a simple thing to say but actually there's an awful lot of people out there that don't believe that because of what they've been told in their lives, because of how they've been treated over their lives and that, you know, that is something that you have to just really start to think about. It doesn't matter what you've done, what you do, every human being on this planet is worthy of having peace and being respected.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (08:29)

Yeah.

Julie Waite (08:51)

And I think that has to be just a given that you can start to accept that no one else is better than you. You're not worse than them. They're not more deserving. They're not, it doesn't matter whether they're cleverer, richer, more powerful, doesn't make them any more deserving of peace and respect than you are. That has to be like the starting point, I think.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (09:13)

Yeah, definitely. Reflecting as well as in it, like you say, you know, you're worth looking after physically and emotionally and

It can take time. So, you know, be gentle with yourself. It's not like it's going to, it could be a quick fix. You could just switch it switch and go, right. I'm not putting up with this and that. I'm I'm very going to, I'm certainly going to get that mindset, but it might take time to develop that because, know, if we're looking at things that potentially have happened in childhood, that gives us the way we are now, then even realizing them. know some training I did recently last year with understanding trauma and that's kind like a big, wow, big light bulb moment. And it can take time to,

Julie Waite (09:25)

Hmm.

Mm.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (09:52)

make them adjustments and be at peace with yourself and then re-lead it out to the world that I'm me, I've changed, that's then, this is now and I'm not gonna put up with certain things that I might have done before because I'm allowed to do that.

Julie Waite (10:06)

Yeah. And linked to that, I'd say like the second step is to stop apologizing for protecting your energy and your peace. And if you can try and set those boundaries without doing it in an apologetic way and to just know that you are able to do that, it's fine to set your boundaries.

You don't need to apologise for doing that. You don't need to apologise for hurting the other person's feelings if they're hurt because you've said you don't like something that they're doing. It's just about kind of setting it and then being at ease with it, I think.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (10:48)

Yeah, and stand by it because you might get a lot of pushback from certain people and that's fine. You know, it's allowed to push back if they want, that's up to them. It's how you interpret that and go, okay, that person is going to be upset. I've suddenly changed my boundary, but that's for my own reasons. I can tell them if I want to, or I don't have to. I mean, it's kind of like re-educating people as well. Like you said, I think on the other one about, you know, not texting or replying to work emails. Sometimes you've got to re-educate people and that takes time. It's like, okay, she's not, or Dene's not answering me,

Julie Waite (11:15)

Hmm.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (11:18)

emails after 9 o'clock. I used to answer them all the time. And then I'll suddenly drop it to 8.30 and 7 and then at weekends I'm not available because I've got my family or whoever I'm spending time with and people get that and then it's like, okay, now I can't get hold of that person then and this is when I can get hold of them.

Julie Waite (11:36)

Yeah, something that I've been trying to do over the last few years is not justifying my choices. sometimes, you know, if you say no to something, you almost feel like you have to justify it. No, I don't want to come to that because, well, even if, even if they don't ask that, it's like, do you want to, you know, do you want to come and, know, do you want to go on this works night out or do you want to come for lunch with friends or?

Dene - Streetwise Defence (11:52)

why not? Why?

Yeah.

Julie Waite (12:06)

Do you want to do whatever? And instead of just saying, no, I'm all right. No, I'm fine, thanks, I don't want to. I used to go, no, because, and then maybe come up with a real, half real or fake excuse. No, I can't do that because I'm going out somewhere else. Instead of saying, no, I actually just don't want to do that. It's almost like a step change. And if you have to make those little excuses at first just to be able to say no.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (12:20)

Yeah. Yeah.

Julie Waite (12:34)

no I'm not coming because I've got other plans. You might have to, it's almost like you might have to take a baby step, like, and that's what I used to do, whereas now I feel like I can say, no thanks, I don't want to do that. And no, that's not for me. No, I'm not interested.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (12:47)

Yeah.

I think it's because we kind of know that normal responses are why not? Because we're going and it's going to be great and why won't you want to come and that might be just a genuine question. You know, and you go, well, just, just not for me. no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Julie Waite (12:56)

Yeah.

you

Even with work things like, you know, get an email someone asking you,

selling something or someone want, not even selling something, someone wanting a partnership or wanting to kind of link up. And I used to kind of be like, no, it's not the right time for us right now or no. And now I'll just say, no, thanks. That's not something we want to do. Yeah, you do. And you don't, you don't want to be mean, but it's fine. It's fine to just say, no, I don't want to do it.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (13:23)

Yeah, because you feel obliged, kind of feel the social conditioning. Yeah, you feel a bit... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Julie Waite (13:31)

You don't have to justify why you don't want to do something. You can just say no.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (13:34)

No, but But

more often how many people listen to this or watching this you kind of get ready for that next step because you think oh They're get a push back. So we're gonna say why are you coming out or why are you doing this? And he kind of preempt it by going well, actually I'm I'm away with I'm away with my kids I'm training or something and you've got an answer so you try and shut people down. So you haven't it's that conflict again Isn't it's that that potential someone coming back with something you've got a? Knock it back to them to to give to justify why are you doing something that?

Julie Waite (13:45)

Yeah.

Yes.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (14:03)

potentially they want you to do and it might be coming from a good place but you still have to do it.

Julie Waite (14:08)

Although I have noticed actually, I don't get that as much as I thought I would. You know, I don't get the pushback as much as I thought I would. I think sometimes you imagine it and sometimes you don't. If you just say, no, I don't want to do that, or no, I'm not interested in that, it's kind of like end of. You you're kind of shutting the conversation. Sometimes you'll get someone come back, but I thought I'd get it a lot more and I actually don't, so.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (14:31)

Yeah.

I

suppose again it's always depending on the person and that relationship you've got. know like with a partner that can be real tricky can't it if you live with them and stuff and yeah it's a real tricky one isn't it.

Julie Waite (14:40)

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It

can, but I know that, you know, we've had relationships before. Obviously, we're in a relationship now. And I always said to you, when we started seeing each other right from the beginning, I'm not going to make mistakes that I've made before by internalising something and thinking, I'll just leave it. It doesn't matter. It's not a big thing. And then it builds up into a resentment. So I've always said to you,

I'm just an open book with if something bothers me, I will say it and I'll just say it in a kind of as nice a way as I can. But I'm not hiding anything, I'm not keeping anything away. And if something bothers me, even if it's small, I'm gonna say it because it's... You deserve to just feel like completely at ease in a relationship. And if the other person can't... If you can't have a relationship with them like that...

if the other person can't do that then you have to question if you want to be in the relationship.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (15:53)

It's difficult isn't supposed to touch on relationship wise. If you can and if you can talk to your partner and say things and go look if you can deliver in a way that I need to talk to you about this. I'm not attacking you. Please don't bring up all the things that have happened before. You know people kind of go. What about this time? What about that time you go? It's it's it's.

Julie Waite (16:11)

yeah but then they shouldn't if you've

if you've got an open book situation where you talk about each little thing and deal with it nothing should be getting brought up should it

Dene - Streetwise Defence (16:19)

No, but

that's the thing I feel if you can sit with your partner and say, look, to certain things I might need to talk to you about, right, I'm not attacking you. This is for our relationship. This is to make us better, stronger. Understand me, you understand, I understand you. And if you can have that open conversation to say, I need to talk to you about this, but, and the other person to not attack, to go on the defensive to go, well, actually you do this and...

I find it like this and then the other person can take that on board and hopefully that's a positive and not a know manipulative restricting kind of thing as well it's for the greater good of us both

Julie Waite (16:52)

Yeah.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (16:55)

And if it is for the good, then you'll know that. it isn't, you kind of know it isn't because that might be manipulative or restricting in some way. then that's a personal choice to whether you stay or go or whatever.

Julie Waite (17:06)

And then kind of, if you can do that, then what you can start to do is like reprogram that inner voice as well. So where you've got doubt about your own feelings and whether something is real or not real, you can just, I think you just have to know if it makes you feel bad, then it's worth just talking to about the person with and start to kind of reprogram that and start to trust yourself more.

And then the final step then is really about knowing when to walk away. And you know, if you've managed to start trusting yourself, if you believe that you're worthy, you're not justifying your choices, you've spoken your truth, you've set your boundaries, if you're not getting anywhere with that and you're just feeling that disrespect, then you just have to accept that that person doesn't belong in your life and it might be time to walk away.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (17:59)

Yeah, it's hard, it?

Julie Waite (17:59)

or at least

distance yourself as much as you can.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (18:02)

can be hard isn't it? Like I always sort of think, people come in and out of your life, some people stay for a long time, some people might come in. We've all had that experience of friendships dying by the wayside and things changing. I've just reconnected to real good mate of mine that I hadn't seen for 20 odd years. So people come in and out of your life and it's difficult because when you've invested a lot of time in people and you've loved and cared for them and you still do, then to walk away from people, it's not easy.

would be right for you and only you know what's right for you. It was good to chat about it and discuss it and make people aware and get open conversations going like this but what's right for you is only your choice but understanding like we said about potential manipulation and setting your boundaries then again whatever you do is down to you and doing what's right for you.

Julie Waite (18:58)

Okay,

So we've got a little challenge for you now that will really help you take something out of this and take some action steps, which is to just sit down for five minutes and write down one or two things that you will no longer tolerate in your life. So have a think about different relationships. So there could be work, family, partner, friends, things that have been bothering you.

things that make you feel uncomfortable, on edge, people you don't look forward to seeing. And just make a note and start to think about that and it will really help you then decide how to deal with that, whether you're going to put some boundaries in place, whether you need to walk away and also to start to build that confidence in yourself and the ability to take control of your emotional self defence.

What I want to finish on is just saying that emotional self-defence, it isn't just about setting boundaries, it's about believing at a real deep level that you're worth protecting. It's about stopping explaining and overcompensating, stopping apologising and really standing in your power that you deserve to be respected and to be treated well.

and that starts with yourself. You have to start doing that to yourself. So talking to yourself kindly and supporting yourself in that. So just try and remind yourself every day that you deserve to have inner peace and respect and you don't need permission to protect that inner peace.

Dene - Streetwise Defence (20:29)

you

And also, you know, if you do need help or you feel like you need someone to talk to some guidance, reach out and get that. You know, I've shared that I've reached out to people in the past of, you know, mental health and stuff like that. Reach out and get access. mean, you even if it could be ringing in one of the helplines, so you don't have to give a name or anything, can just talking to another person about it, that's neutral and might give you a different perspective on it because you definitely are worth protecting physically and emotionally.

Julie Waite (21:06)

and there's lots and lots of different help lines that you can get. We've got links to them and we've got some phone numbers on our website. If you go to streetwisedefence.com forward slash support there's lots and lots of help lines there obviously you can just google some of those and it doesn't matter if it's just a small thing they will be there and they will be someone to talk to or reach out and talk to a trusted friend or family member.

But you don't have to put up with this stuff and you do deserve to feel at peace and to feel respected. So it in this series. Next time we're going to be covering handling street harassment. So tune in if you want to hear some practical tips and advice on