Becoming the Chooser | Stop Trying to Be Chosen (Self-Selection Series Pt. 4) / Episode #41

Let me ask you something…

How much of your life have you spent trying to be chosen?

Chosen in relationships.

Chosen in friendships.

Chosen in rooms.

Chosen in opportunities.

Most people don’t even realize they’re doing it.

They call it being nice. Flexible. Easy to get along with.

But underneath all of that… there’s usually one quiet question:

Do they like me?

In this episode of I Am Spice, we continue the Self-Selection Series (Part 4) with a powerful shift:

What happens when you stop trying to be chosen… and start choosing?

This isn’t surface-level empowerment.

This is identity work.

We talk about:

• The hidden pattern of “auditioning” in relationships
• How people-pleasing disguises itself as emotional intelligence
• Why becoming the chooser feels uncomfortable at first
• The difference between chemistry and real alignment
• How to stop ignoring your intuition and start trusting it
• Why growth can feel lonely before it feels aligned

Because the truth is…

When you stop performing for connection,

you start seeing people clearly.

And clarity changes everything.

If this episode resonates with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

Listen. Reflect. Choose.

Unfiltered. Unapologetic. Unstoppable.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Let's piss some people off. Now let me ask you something. Have you ever noticed how much energy people spend trying to be chosen? Chosen in relationships, chosen in friendships, chosen in rooms, chosen in opportunities. And the strange part is most people don't even realize they're doing it. They think they're just being nice. They think they're just being flexible. They think they're just trying to keep the peace. But underneath all of that, there's usually a quiet question running in the background. Do they like me? Do they approve of me? Do they want me around? And here's the shift that changes everything. There comes a point in your growth where that question starts to flip. Instead of wondering whether someone is choosing you, you start asking something much more powerful. Do I actually want this person in my life? Which is very important. And the moment that question becomes real, the entire dynamic of your relationships start changing. That's what we're talking about today. Now, quick little disclaimer before we start. It has been raining here all day, and we're currently under a tornado watch with really strong winds. So if the audio sounds a little different today, it's because I'm recording with my AirPods to try to minimize the noise from outside. I still wanted to get this episode out today for you guys. So thank you for bearing with me on that one. Now, hi and welcome back to I Am Spice the podcast. If you're new here, welcome. I'm really glad you're here. And if you've been following this self-selection series with me, you already know we're not doing surface level empowerment here. This series isn't about cute quotes or quick fixes. We're talking about identity work, the kind of internal shift that actually changes how you move through the world, how you show up in relationships, how you trust yourself, how you stop abandoning yourself just to keep connections. Before we dive into today's episode, make sure you subscribe, like the episode, and share with someone you genuinely care about. Because chances are there's someone in your life who is still exhausting themselves trying to be chosen. Maybe this conversation will help them start asking a different question. So today we're continuing the self-selection series. And this episode is called Becoming the Chooser. In the last episode, we talked about what happens when you stop explaining yourself. And if you listen to that one, you know that sounds empowering on the surface. But it doesn't always feel empowering at first. Because when you stop explaining yourself, you stop managing perception, you stop writing the extra paragraph, you stop softening the message, you stop trying to make everyone, you know, make sure everyone understands exactly where you're coming from. And when you remove that layer of effort, your nervous system reacts. Because for a lot of people, explaining themselves has was how they maintain safety, it was how they avoided conflict, it was how they stay connected to others. But here's the deeper layer that comes after that stage. Stopping the performance is only half the work. The real shift begins when stop when you stop auditioning and start choosing. Let's talk about auditioning for a second. Because most people hear that word and they imagine something dramatic, like trying to impress someone, trying to prove your worth, trying to win someone over. But the truth is audition is usually much quieter than that. Auditioning looks like adjusting, it looks like something, you know, like smoothing things over, it looks like holding back parts of yourself so things stay comfortable, and most of the time it doesn't even feel like you're doing anything wrong, it just feels like being agreeable. But the deeper question underneath it is this am I being myself? Or am I trying to be acceptable? And if we're honest, a lot of us learned very early that being acceptable is the safest option. Maybe harmony meant safety in your home growing up. Maybe approval meant belonging. Maybe you learned that if you were easy to deal with, people stayed by your side. So you adapted, you became observant, you became emotionally intelligent, you became someone who could read a room quickly. And those are actually beautiful skills. But when those skills become the foundation of how you connect with people, you slowly lose track of whether you're choosing the people in your life or simply trying to keep them in your life. So let me give you a very normal example of how this shows up. Imagine you're meeting someone new. Maybe it's a date, maybe it's a potential friend, maybe it's someone you're considering working with, and the conversation is flowing, everything seems fine, but then they say something that makes you pause internally. Maybe it's the way they talk about their ex, maybe it's how they describe a conflict they had with someone, maybe it's a comment about how they treat people when they're frustrated, and your body notices that there's a small internal reaction, but instead of exploring that reaction, you smooth it over, you ignore it, you laugh, you redirect the conversation, you tell yourself you're probably reading too much into it. Let's not go crazy here. That moment right there is where you're auditioning, and that's where it usually lives. Because instead of asking, do I actually respect what I just heard? You ask, How do I keep this interaction comfortable? Becoming the trucer flips that dynamic automatically. Instead of entering interactions, wondering if you're being liked, you start paying attention. You observe, you notice how people talk about others, you notice how they handle accountability, you notice how they react when something small doesn't go their way. You notice whether their actions match their words, and that's extremely important when creating new connections, and suddenly something shifts. You're no longer performing, you're evaluating alignment. Why this feels so uncomfortable? No, here's where it gets interesting because becoming the chooser can actually feel uncomfortable at first, and the reason it feels uncomfortable is because it becomes it comes with responsibility when you're auditioning. Rejection feels like something that happens to you, someone else decides whether you're accepted or not. But when you become the chooser, you have to acknowledge that some people simply aren't aligned with your life, period. And that means sometimes you'll choose distance, and that's perfectly fine. Not because someone is a bad person, not because there's drama, but because your standards became clearer, and that realization can be both freeing and sad at the same time. Because when you see clearly, you also see what no longer fits. This shows up a lot in dating. Someone might be charming, funny, attractive, but when you start observing instead of performing, you notice other things. How they talk about people who aren't in the room. How do they handle frustration? How do they talk about accountability? Do they blame their ex all the time? Do they avoid responsibility? Do they treat people well only when it benefits them? When you're auditioning, you overlook those things. When you're choosing, you pay attention to them. This also shows up in friendships. You might realize that some friendships were built on you being the emotional manager, the one who listens, the one who smooths things over, the one who understands everyone. But when you stop performing that role, something interesting happens. Some friendships deepen, but other ones fade. Because some people were connected to your labor, not your essence. Another huge part of becoming the chooser is learning to trust your own perception again. A lot of people have a long history of talking themselves out of their intuition. You notice something that feels off, but you immediately explain it away. Maybe I'm overthinking, maybe they didn't mean it like that, maybe I'm being too sensitive. But if you look back at many experiences in your life, you'll probably notice something interesting. Your intuition usually noticed things very early. You just negotiated with it. Becoming the chooser means you stop negotiating with your perception you trust. You just trust it, you respect it, and that builds a very different kind of confidence. Now, it is not loud confidence, not performative confidence, just quiet self-respect. Now, alignment is something people misunderstand a lot. They think alignment feels like fireworks, intensity, chemistry, but real alignment, you usually feels calm. It feels like you don't have to twist yourself into a shape that makes the other person comfortable. You can just exist, just be you, and they meet you right there where you're at. Now, here's the part most people don't talk about. That's where I'm at right now. Because when you stop auditioning, some connections naturally fall away, not with drama, not with conflict, just with clarity. And that space can feel quiet for a while, but that quiet space is where healthier connections begin to grow. So the next time you enter a new interaction, notice where your attention really goes. Are you wondering if they like you? Or are you paying attention to how they move through the world? Because the moment you stop trying to earn approval, you start seeing people more clearly, and at the end of the day, you want truest people next to you, the more that you know, the ones that really align with you, and clarity is where real relationships begin. The next episode, we're gonna talk about something really fascinating, which is what happens when self-selection actually starts working, when people start responding to you differently, because there is a psychological shift that happens when you stop additioning for your own life, and people can feel it, even if they can't explain it. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone you care about, please, because maybe the real shift in life isn't becoming more impressive. Maybe it's remembering you always had the authority to choose to be yourself. I'll see you guys on the next episode. I love you bunches. And remembering we're unfiltered, unapologetic, and unstoppable. That's that.