When Choosing Yourself Starts Costing You People / Episode 43

What nobody tells you about “choosing yourself”… is that it comes with a cost.

Everyone loves to talk about boundaries, self-love, and growth like it’s this peaceful, empowering glow-up.

But what happens after?

In this episode, we’re talking about the part people don’t say out loud…

The distance.

The shifts.

The quiet changes in relationships.

The uncomfortable feeling of realizing… you’re not the same anymore.

Because when you stop over-explaining…

when you stop over-giving…

when you stop adjusting yourself to keep others comfortable…

You change the pattern.

And not everyone benefits from that version of you.

This episode dives deep into:

• Why choosing yourself can feel lonely

• The grief that comes with outgrowing people

• The difference between missing a person vs. missing a pattern

• Why discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong

• How to stop shrinking just to maintain connections

• Letting people misunderstand you without needing to explain

This is the continuation of the Self-Selection Series…

This is what happens AFTER you choose yourself.

And if you’ve been feeling like something shifted in your life…

this episode is going to put words to what you’ve been feeling.

Take a second to follow, subscribe, and share this with someone who needs to hear it.

Because this one?

This is a “pause and reflect” kind of episode.

ABOUT THE PODCAST

I Am Spice — The Podcast is where we talk about identity, growth, healing, and the real-life shifts that come with becoming who you truly are.

This isn’t surface-level empowerment.

This is identity work.

If this episode resonated with you:

• Follow / Subscribe to the podcast

• Share it with someone going through a transition

• Save it and come back to it when you need the reminder

And remember…

You didn’t come this far

to abandon yourself again.

Stay: Unfiltered. Unapologetic. 

Connect with me:

https://linktr.ee/iamspiceofficial

#choosingyourself #selfgrowth #healingjourney #personaldevelopment #selflove #boundaries #mindsetshift #outgrowingpeople #emotionalgrowth #podcastlife

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Let's piss some people off. Can we talk about something real for a second? Because I feel like everybody loves to talk about choosing yourself. Like it's this super empowerful, peaceful, glowing moment. Like, yeah, boundaries, self-love, growth, all of that. But nobody really talks about what happens after. Because when you actually start doing it, things get a little weird. People start feeling different. Conversations feel off. You feel off. And sometimes it's not even loud. It's quiet. It's subtle. It's that feeling of like, wait, something changed. And if I'm being honest, yeah, something did change. You did. Hi, and welcome back to I Am Spies the podcast. This is where we talk about real life, like identity, growth, healing, and the stuff people don't really say out loud, but we all feel. If you're new here, welcome. If you've been here for the longest, you already know how we do things. Take a second, follow, subscribe, send this to someone who know who you know is going through it. Because this episode right here, this one is for those that pause and think, kind of like episode. And if you've been with me through the self-selection series, this is what comes after all of that. So let's be real. Choosing yourself sounds amazing, and it is, but what nobody tells you is choosing yourself starts costing you things, not in a bad way, but in a real way. Like you lose access to certain people, certain conversations don't hit the same, certain dynamics just don't work anymore. And it's not because you're trying to be different, it's because you are like, think about it. When you stop over-explaining, when you stop over giving, when you stop saying yes to things you don't actually want, you change the pattern, and not everybody benefits from that. Some people were used to a version of you that was easier, easier to access, easier to talk to, easier to get things from, and now you're not moving like that anymore, so of course it feels different. And this is a part that messes with your head a little. Because even though you know you're doing better, it doesn't always feel good. You start thinking, like, am I doing too much? Am I being distant? Am I pushing people away? And if you're not careful, you'll start trying to fix something that isn't actually broken, just because it feels uncomfortable. And I'm not even gonna lie to you. I had a moment like this not too long ago where I could feel myself about to go back, like I literally caught myself about to explain something that I had already made clear. And I paused and I was like, Why am I doing this? I already said what I said, but there was this feeling in me like if I don't ex if I don't explain it better, they're gonna take it the wrong way. And in that moment I realized this isn't about clarity, this is about me trying to control how I'm perceived, and I had to sip with that because that used to be normal for me. Explaining, softening, making sure everybody else is comfortable and choosing not to do that felt uncomfortable, but it also felt different. Like I was finally choosing myself in real time, and let's talk about this because nobody says this part out loud. There's grief in this, like real grief. You miss how things used to feel, you miss how easy certain relationships were, you miss being understood even if it wasn't fully real, and that feeling it can trick you, it can make you think like maybe I should go back to how it was, but you weren't fully okay back there either. So, and you were just more accepted. And let me be honest with you for a second. Sometimes you don't even miss a person like that, you miss who you were with them, you miss how easy it was to just respond without thinking, you miss how automatic everything felt, you miss the routine of it, even if it wasn't healthy. It was familiar, and familiar feels safe at first, and this is where it gets a little uncomfortable because a lot of time you're not attached to the person, you're attached to the pattern, to the pattern where you over-explain, overgive, overstay, overadjust, because in that version you knew how to move, but now you're not moving like that anymore, and that feels weird. Nobody really talks about this either, but when you start choosing yourself, you kind of meet a new version of you, and you're like, Okay, wait, I don't respond the same, I don't explain the same, I don't show up the same, and it's it's not wrong, it's just new, but new can feel uncomfortable, and this is the moment where it really easy to go backwards, like you want to send that message, you want to explain yourself again, you want to soften what you said, you want to make things feel normal again, you just feel that familiarity, but that normal, that version of you, was costing you yourself. You didn't lose people, you lost access to dynamics that only worked when you weren't fully being you, and I know that's hard to sit with because it makes you realize some people weren't connected to you like that, they were connected to how you showed up for them, and now you're just different, you're more clear, you're more grounded, you're not explaining everything anymore, you're not adjusting all the time, and yeah, that version of you requires more respect. It looks like you say no, and that's it. You take space and you don't announce it, you make decisions and you don't ask for permission, you outgrow people and you don't write a whole explanation, and people notice, but instead of asking what changed, they say you've changed, and honestly, they're right, you did, but and changing isn't the problem, outgrowing isn't the problem. The real problem is staying the same just to keep people comfortable, and here's the part you really have to accept. Some people are going to misunderstand this version of you, and you're going to feel the urge to correct it, to explain it, to make sure they get you, but not every misunderstanding needs a response. Sometimes you let people see you wrong, and you just keep moving anyway. That's how I've been living. So now it comes down to this. Do you want to keep yourself small just to keep certain people? Or are you okay with losing access to certain people so you can finally have access to yourself? Because at some point you have to choose, and if this feels uncomfortable right now, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It just means you're not living in what's familiar anymore. So sit this, sit with this for a second. Where in your life are you still shrinking? Just to keep things comfortable, and what would it look like to choose yourself and leave it at that? If this hits you, save it, send it to someone who needs to see it, come back to it, and don't go back to a version of you that you already outgrew. You didn't come this far to abandon yourself again. So see you on the next one, and remember to stay unfiltered, unapologetic, and unstoppable. And remember, we're unfiltered, unapologetic, and unstoppable. That's that.