Episode 61 - The Art of Asking Better Questions

Are you just asking questions hoping someone confirms what you already believe?

In this episode of Three Questions, I unpack the art of asking better questions and why it matters in teaching, relationships, learning, and even personal growth. I share stories from my courses, my interviews, my marriage, and even working for my dad to explore how communication breaks down and what we can do differently. 

In This Episode You’ll Hear:
• The three types of answers most people are really looking for
• Why defensiveness shuts down curiosity and communication
• How better questions can turn passive learning into active problem-solving

Whether you’re a movement teacher, clinician, coach, or just someone trying to communicate more clearly, this episode will help you realize that sometimes the biggest obstacle isn’t a lack of information. It’s not knowing what questions we actually need to ask.

Links & Resources For This Episode:
Episode 59 - The Questions We Shouldn't Wait to Ask - Part 1: A Conversation With My Dad
Find a Neuro Studio Teacher Near You
Connect with me on Instagram
Connect with me on Threads

Transcript

Meghann Koppele Duffy: Welcome to Three Questions, where critical thinking is king, and my opinions and research are only here to support your learning and understanding. Hey, I'm your host, Meghann, and I am so honored you clicked on Three Questions today, so we can talk about questions. Now, what do I mean about questions? Well, something I've noticed more recently is asking a question is harder than it seems, and what I find when people ask questions, a few things happen.

Sometimes they're just so overwhelmed of a lack of understanding, or there's just a piece missing, they're seeking for someone else to solve it for them. So in some of my courses, I'll notice students ask such kind of vague things like, "I don't understand the cerebellum." And I'll want them to be more specific, but it's actually really hard to figure out what's the exact gap in knowledge you have.

So I think I was putting this pressure on my students to ask better questions, but I don't think I was providing them with some background and education on how to ask better questions. And what's even more interesting is in doing some of these interview episodes... Now, I'm not a professional interviewer.

It's not something I'm naturally good at. I'm good at talking to people, you know? But what I realized is sometimes I would think so much about the question based off what I knew about the person. I would do some research, find something interesting about them, and ask a question, thinking it would open up this big line of communication, and sometimes it would fall completely flat.

Now, it might have been something they didn't want to talk about, or it could have been they heard the question completely different and thought they answered the question. And if you listen to any of my interview episodes, you'll hear me be like, "Hey, that was a bad question. Let me reframe it based off the answer I got."

So before we even dig into my three questions for you, let's give ourselves the grace to ask bad questions. Then based on how it's received, maybe clarify and be like, "You know what? That's not actually the question I had. Maybe it's this." And I feel like if we just start off from a place of wanting to learn and understand, it will just change the level of answer you get.

And I get it. You know, I, I can see it in my students' faces sometimes when they'll ask a question, and I can tell that I didn't answer in a way that it really hit home for them. And sometimes I can kinda-- we can kinda go back and forth. I'd be like, "All right, where are you getting stuck? Talk to-- Talk me through it."

But that doesn't work for everybody. Number one, they might not wanna talk through it in front of other people, or they still haven't sat with the where they're confused. Because let's be honest, it is really easy when we're having a problem to just kind of pass the buck over there. So I'm just gonna ask this question and hope and pray you can solve it for me.

Well, here's something about me, and I tell this to all my students. Never rely on anybody for your next meal or your next un- understanding. Meaning, like, if you were working for someone and they were paying you really well and it was great, but then that stopped, well, then you're kind of screwed. Okay, this is why I always liked being my own boss.

I liked being in charge of that. Maybe that's because I'm a little bit of a control freak, but that's, that's for another podcast episode. And also don't rely on somebody else to explain things to you in your-- in a way that you understand. It's up to us. I really feel like if we can ask better questions, it will help us solve our own problems.

So let's get into my three questions. I've separated-- I've thought a lot about this episode. So I've separated into the kind of three sections: learning, communication, and kind of personal relationships. And what's interesting, I find that if we really focus on the top one, learning, there's this huge trickle-down.

So I'm gonna spend a little bit more time on question one, and maybe if we, like, miss something, let's kind of build this pyramid a little backwards, and I'm so excited to hear your feedback from today's episode. So what does learning actually mean? I mean, that's not the question. It doesn't count. But a lot of us think we wanna learn, but in fact, do you really wanna learn, or are you just trying to confirm your bias?

Now, this happens, and this doesn't make you a bad person. We've all done it. But I want us to focus this section on actually wanting to learn. So my question for you is: What type of answer are you looking for? Or what knowledge gap are you trying to fill? So I didn't want to make those two separate questions because I feel like they're the same thing said differently.

So number one, let's start on the back end. What knowledge gaps am I trying to fill? Sometimes, guys, that is a very easy answer. Sometimes it is the hardest answer to get to 'cause you're not entirely sure. So I s- left that as the second part of the question because I almost think the first part is a little more important.

I don't know. I'm kind of going back and forth. So what type of answer am I looking for? What the hell does that mean? Well, do you need a definition? Do you not understand what a term means in this context? And this happens all the time, and I'm telling you guys, this is the question I get so annoyed with students when they don't ask.

I had a student ask me for, like, three years. We're sitting out to dinner, and she goes, "I have a question, and I'm, I'm really embarrassed to ask." And now I'm like, oh, I'm so excited. And she was like, "I still don't understand joint centration." And I was like, "What?" And not that I was shocked she didn't understand it, I was shocked she didn't ask me sooner because I'm thinking, "Yo, if we could have filled this knowledge gap so long ago, I think you would be in a much different place today."

But I think she was embarrassed, 'cause it seemed obvious. It's not obvious at all. So we're out to dinner. I take a big-ass wine glass, and I put my fist inside the wine glass, and I was saying, "Okay, imagine this is the joint, and this is your femur." And I kind of moved my fist around in the wine glass and was talking about joint centration not being perfect alignment, but staying centrated through the range of motion.

And she looked at me and goes, "Oh my God. Meghann, you kept saying joint centration isn't perfect alignment, but I, I, I could not understand." And I could see then right from there, the wheel started turning on everything. Now, I am getting my doctorate right now more towards education, so out of my science and more towards education, and they use...

Oh my God, my teachers out there, you guys love terms. You love the APQ method. I'm someone who I don't like things I have to memorize. I like concepts that I can really embody. So it's like, oh, this is a learning outcome, this is a learning objective. And I'm like, "What's the difference?" Oh, oh, the learning objective is this, the learning outcome's here.

I go, "Oh my God, it sounds like the same thing. What are we even doing here? What is the point? Can't we just have learning objectives or whatever the case?" But then I had a teacher that explained it to me, and I still said, "Okay, I've got it. I still think some of this is unnecessary." And do you know what he said to me?

"You're probably right, but we still have to do them." And I go, "Okay, moving on." Right? So if I didn't ask for clarification, I would still be confused to this day. So sometimes in different industries, we use terms differently. I use the term reflexive stability, and students will be like, "I don't understand.

What's the difference between reflexive stability and stability?" And I say to them, "Do you wanna know the truth?" And they're like, "Yes, Meghann, that's why I asked the question." I'm like, "Nothing." But I say reflexive stability because most movement professionals use the term stability wrong. And clients, they'll be like, "Oh, I like this.

I was more stable." And I'm like, "What? What does that mean?" They're like, "Well, I wasn't able... I wasn't moving." I'm like, "Yeah, because you're pulling in and gripping your glutes and abs so much that if I, like, blew to you, I'd blow you over." You know, they're in a gripping pattern. So there's a lack of understanding because when we hear the word stable, it's like, you know, a stable building, okay?

Yes, but a stable building has to withstand a force or demand that's placed on it. So why do I term-- use stability differently is because I'm trying to make sure that people know that what I'm talking about is different from what these people are talking about, which I feel is incorrect. I don't like to tear people down to lift myself up.

It just feels so dirty and lame 'cause then I always say to myself, "If you have to do that, Meghann, your shit isn't that good, so make that better and stop complaining." But I do wanna create clarifications because one of my biggest pet peeves is feeling misunderstood. I think that's the worst feeling, feeling mi-misunderstood.

So not understanding how I'm using a term could confuse you down the road. So I want everybody listening to this, if there is a term or a word you don't understand, here's a better way to ask the question. Don't be like, "What does reflexive stability mean?" Say, "Hey, I'm a little confused to how you are utilizing that term here.

Could you kind of explain it or maybe give me an example? Or maybe could you compare it to just this term? 'Cause I kind of feel like they're the same, and I'm having trouble clarifying the difference." I'd be like, "Oh my God, that's an excellent question." Okay? So if I ask my teacher, "What's a learning objective?"

He would just tell me. But I was really confused the difference between the learning outcome and the learning objective, and I said, "Explain to me why they're different and why we need both." And then he told me, and then I was like, "Mm, okay." So you don't-- I didn't have to like his answer, but he actually gave me an answer that created the wheels turning for me, so that when I create courses, I use a different term to help my students know what the heck is going on.

'Cause I don't want someone feeling confused like I did. So part one, is the answer that you're looking for a clear definition or a definition in reference to something else? Please ask those questions, and if you don't wanna ask them publicly, ask them privately to your teacher. But please do not wait three years to ask a, I'm putting in air quotes, "stupid question."

I always say there is no stupid question. And I'm gonna tell you a little story about my dad, who I interviewed two episodes ago. I hope you gave that a listen. I know it, it was kind of personal to me, 'cause he's my dad, but, um, I think... It was so funny. My sister listened to them, and Kim was like, "Those were really good.

God, D- Dad was a little uptight, wasn't he?" I was like, "Well, Kim, he's not used to being interviewed." Um, my dad is way more goofy and, um, funnier than he came across in the podcast, but I think he really wanted to do a good job. And watching him, I was kind of watching myself, 'cause I'm like, "God, I'm so hard on myself.

I always wanna do a good job." But enough about that episode. My real goal of those episodes is that you guys will, if you have the ability to ask your parents those questions, ask them. And if you don't have parents, um, maybe ask someone else you admire, because I'm not joking, I sprung those questions on them.

The last two for both of them were... I was shocked at their answers. So definitely ask the questions. Okay. But anyway, I worked for my dad for four months. I was selling my Pilates studio because I hated running a Pilates studio, and I was like, "I'm just gonna work for my dad. My life will be so much easier.

I'll make more money. It's a 9:00 to 5:00 job. I'll have a life." And I hated it. Not because of working for my dad, but I did not like sitting at a desk reading insurance policies. Ew. Okay? Now what was interesting about my dad is I had never heard my dad curse, yell at all. He was tough as a boss, but he was very direct, not passive-aggressive.

I hate passive-aggressive. But the funniest thing is I went in and asked my dad a question with my boss, Grace, and he got so annoyed at my question, and he was like, "That is a stupid question." And I looked my dad straight in the face and I go, "Oh, I apologize, but I was taught by someone I really admire that no question is a stupid question, and better to ask the question than make the mistake, especially when you're working with a client."

And that was always the advice my dad gave me, "Never be afraid to ask a question. You don't wanna make a mistake that could've been avoided." And my dad literally... My coworker, my boss, was like, "Holy shit, I've never heard someone talk to him like that." He swallowed and was like Meghann, can you repeat the question?

But it was so interesting, and circle back, this is now-- Oh my God, that was two thousand and six, 20 years later. No, not two thousand and six. Two thousand and six, uh, two thousand and eleven. Doesn't matter. I get like that when q- students ask a question. Oh my God, I'm so mad at myself. I always tell my students, "No question is stupid."

But sometimes I get like, "Ugh." And I'm gonna give everybody permission to use this. I say this to my students now, "Hey, I want you to ask questions, and no question is stupid. However, if I seem annoyed or aggravated at your question, it's because I am. I'm owning it. But I want you to know I am not aggravated at you or the question.

I'm aggravated at myself because I work so hard to be clear. I think about how I'm gonna teach something. Being a good teacher is really, really important to me. So when you ask a question that seems totally out of left field or when you say I said something that I don't think I did, I am aggravated because it is clear that I wasn't clear.

So if I seem annoyed, please know I am annoyed, and it's not at you." 'Cause I used to try to pretend I wasn't annoyed and anybody listening to this who's taken one of my courses, it is very clear when I'm annoyed. I'm sorry. I can't hide it. And I'm gonna give you permission to use that because honestly, ever since I changed that, students were asking more questions.

They weren't afraid to piss me off, and I really feel bad if anybody ever feels that they pissed me off during a question. I have to own that. I made them feel that way. It wasn't my intention, but I certainly made them feel that way. So learning from Gary, my dad, and learning from me, our reaction to our students is why they're not asking more questions So maybe they don't need a definition.

Maybe they don't need a reference point Maybe they need a connection from A to B. "Okay, Megh, I don't-- You're saying that tongue or cranial nerve cue is gonna help with spinal stability. I just, I don't see the through line. Is it because we're activating the brain stem and all this stuff?" Yes, and... But I don't have electrodes on your brain.

I don't know what's actually lighting up, and most people when they say, "Oh, this activates your brain stem and this," they don't know that. That is based off theory that a lot of it has not been proven in a lab. So just be cautious of that. But I will say, all right, here's my hypothesis. If we used, say you clean the teeth, and you press the tongue to the roof of the mouth, and that helped the client stabilize their spine when they moved their arm, well, we know that they were moving their tongue prior.

Okay? So when they're moving their tongue, it will be fascially and muscularly pulling on the cervical spine, which would destabilize it. So we know that when we brought the tongue to the roof of the mouth, it alerted the cerebellum to any errors that were occurring. So by keeping the tongue pressed to the roof of the mouth, it helped the jaw and tongue stabilize so that the spine could also stabilize.

Now, say that cue didn't work at all. Well, they might have not have been moving their tongue, or their brain could not feel the error detection. They might need another sensory gap like touching their head and their sternum. Maybe they were moving their head but couldn't feel it. But when they're touching it, in relation to another part of their body, their brain can feel the error.

So my hypothesis is if they're touching their head and the sternum, there was a subtle movement there they did not know was occurring. We brought it to their attention, and now their spine can stabilize reflexively. Oh, that's super interesting. Could that also work here? It could, or it could be these other things.

So as a teacher, I'm creating, I'm filling in the gaps of the story. We started here, we know the start, we know the end. And I'm always very clear that this is just a story we're telling. Okay? Anybody who tells you A causes B, and we've all done it, yes, and... It could be or there could be an A before the A.

We don't know. The body is all interconnected, and that's why I love this work. You never have to be right. It doesn't matter. Stop being afraid of being wrong. Being wrong is gonna tell us exactly what we do next. So number two, does our student just need the connection from A to B? Or number three, does your student need an actual example and less theory?

"I get the theory about neuroplasticity, Meghannn. I see it. All right, we're talking about acetylcholine, epinephrine in the brain, blah, blah, blah. But what about the repetitions, Meghannn? How do I know that they are doing and gonna get the repetitions they need?" I'll say, "Great question. This is right in my wheelhouse," because I hate People who just talk theory.

They lecture about theory, yet they cannot implement it in the clinic at all. This is my least favorite teacher. This is an instructor, not a teacher. Now, I am someone who loves application and theory. To, uh, excuse me, application of the theory. I like to get in the weeds. Can that be confusing to students?

Of course, I'm doing my best. All right? So okay, love the question. How do we measure repetitions? Uh, here's how I like to measure them. I don't want each movement being a totally different movement pattern, different nerve conduction. So in order to replicate it, I need to be precise with my movement. I can only be precise if I focus on one primary sensory input.

Now, here's the challenge. We've got to analyze the correct primary sensory input, and then we've got to give them sensory breaks. "Meg, could you give me an example like that?" Yes. Let's get down on the ground. Let's do a movement. We're gonna find a primary sensory input for you, and I want you to keep doing it until you feel that error.

Don't correct them unless they make two errors in a row. Let their brain adjust. Does that make more sense? "Yeah, but Meg, I think my problem is I think I understood that. I don't think I am good at finding a primary sensory input." I say, "Welcome to the club." I go, "You learn it in my level two course, and you perfect it in your, the level three training, but you will study it for the rest of your life."

And they said, "What?" I go, "Because we are assessing a body in real life using my assessments, finding a primary sensory input, and sometimes we realize that wasn't a primary sensory input." It was a good sensory input, which is great, but that's not gonna help with neuroplasticity, and that's why neuroplasticity and movement is hard.

This shit ain't easy. So I encourage them, "Listen, if you're not good at it now, don't worry, but you can't just think you're gonna get good at it by me explaining to it. You gotta get in the weeds. You gotta do assessments. You gotta observe me. You gotta ask questions." Okay? So I gave a lot of examples here, but I wanna jump-- I wanna summarize before I go to question two.

I don't want anything to get lost in the sauce. So when we are... Let's be a student. You're a student. You have a question. I want you to say, "Before I ask a big question, do I understand what these terms mean in this context?" If the c- answer to that question is no, don't ask a big question. Ask that question.

Ask for the definition and a reference point. Is it like this? What about this? Could I use this word instead? Because words are just words, guys. We assign definition to freaking words. The whole movement community, especially Pilates, uses the word precision wrong. It's a big pet peeve of mine. They use precision like accuracy.

Accuracy is m- improving the actual quality of the movement, like hitting a bullseye. Precision is not hitting the bullseye. It's hitting the same mark repeatedly. So you could hit the bullseye, but you gotta hit the bullseye in the same spot. Getting close to the bullseye or circling the bullseye is not precision.

Those are all different patterns. Okay? But is somebody an idiot 'cause they're using precision wrong? No. I guarantee if I ask them the definition of precision, they would define accuracy because they're just words. Who cares? So I'm gonna ask someone if they say, "Oh, I work on precision," I'm gonna say, "How do you work on precision?"

"Well, I work on improving their movement pattern to make sure they do a better job." Okay. I'm not gonna shame them. They're working on accuracy. That's fine. Who cares? They're just words. But as a teacher, I think it's very important to be clear about our words or our students get very confused. How do I know this?

Well, I know it from experience. I am very good at confusing people, but I am also always willing to clarify when needed, right? This work isn't Easy to get. And with all due, I'm not teaching from somebody else's textbook. I'm writing my own textbook. The assessments that I created were not anyplace else.

And you know what's so funny? In my head, they make so much sense. Like, duh. But what I've realized is just because it makes sense in my brain doesn't mean it makes sense when the words come out of my mouth. And if you don't know what I mean, smoke some really strong weed. You'll be so high, and you'll be like, "I've solved the world's problems."

And I remember, I... It was actually a medicinal strain. I-- my brain, I was able-- I figured out every p- problem with my movement assessment. And then I said to my husband, "Brian, I know you're gonna be annoyed, but I need to explain this to you. I need to get, uh, get it out in words." And I started talking, and I sounded like an idiot.

I could not create the words to match what was in my brain, which is so cool about learning and communication, right? It can make so much sense in here, but then when you try to explain it, you sound like you have no clue what's going on. So keep explaining it. It'll get clearer, or it won't, but you'll have fun during the process, okay?

So understand the definition. Number two: are you missing a connection from point A to B, or do you just need an example of how to apply the theory so that you can practice and get better? Definitions, connections, or examples. Those should dictate your questions. So when you ask a question, it should be one of those three.

Capisce? It turns you from a passive learner into an active learner. Do not rely on somebody else to fill your gaps. You need to figure out what your gaps are. Now, sidebar, the second part of the question is what knowledge gaps am I trying to fill? So remember that last example I gave about the primary sensory input?

That student thought they didn't understand how to apply neuroplasticity. But once we got into that weeds, that student realized, "Oh, shit, that is not my knowledge gap. My knowledge gap is I'm not good at identifying a primary sensory input yet." So once we understand that knowledge gap, I want you to ask your teacher, "Okay, I'm sucking at primary sensory inputs.

How can I get better?" And the teacher's gonna say, "I'm the teacher Why don't you come to Jersey, do a one-day intensive with me, and you're gonna observe me all day. All we're gonna do is assessing primary sensory inputs. I don't think that's in my budget right now. Cool. Here's what I want you to do. Every time you do one of my Thursday classes, don't do it.

Watch me. Identify my primary sensory inputs in every movement, and then what I'm gonna have you do is after the class, I want you to text me what you thought some of my primary sensory inputs are, and I will then try them and report back. So that's pretty much free to do, but you've gotta put the time and energy into doing it.

You can also come into New Jersey and do one private session with me and then observe me. I don't charge for observations. But when I don't charge for observations, you're not in the weeds with me. You're just observing. When you're in the weeds with me, that's the intensive. So I'm very clear at different price points how they can fill that knowledge gaps.

If you're a teacher, you need to do that for your clients. If they want a home exercise program, you've got to give that to them. But you have to be clear. Most Pilates and movement teachers, they want you to come in for the session, get you moving and leave. That's fine. But if someone wants a home exercise program they can do at home, you say, "Okay, normally I work this way, but you have a different goal.

So here's what we're going to do. We need to book two hours or three hours, whatever it takes. We're gonna break down these exercise and make videos and create you a home exercise program. So three hours would be this." Oh, that's expensive. Yes, but that's what you normally pay when you come every week. You don't wanna come every week.

You want a home exercise program. So we can do weekly sessions, or we can bust out this home exercise program. Okay? So once you know the knowledge gaps, you fill it for them. Okay? Now, before I go on to question two, that was from the student side. From the teacher side, when students ask vague questions, ask them these questions back, okay?

When they ask a vague question, "I just don't understand the cerebellum." Okay. Do you understand the cerebellum's jobs? Yes. Okay. Do you understand how to target the cerebellum? Yes. Can you give me an example? Okay, that's actually not a way to target the cerebellum, but it's a cerebellar assessment. I learned it in school.

I know. I know. Me too. But that's really assessing the sensory input going into your hands to see if your cerebellum is responding to that movement. How is that gonna translate into hip flexion? Oh, I don't know. Let's figure out how to target the cerebellum in this specific exercise. So by asking my student questions, I figured out their knowledge gap.

So before you answer a big question, ask a question I do think that is harder to do because putting a student on the spot... I love the Socratic method. I feel like it gets great conversation, but people are very intimidated by Socratic method. They're so afraid to be wrong. Don't be afraid to be wrong. If a teacher asks you a question, be like, "I'm not really sure, but here's what I'm thinking."

I love when a student says that because it's-- they're, they're participating in the conversation. So I might say, "I'm gonna ask this student questions back. Student, everybody's gonna write down their answers. We don't have to share this out loud. Okay? Ask those same questions. And then what I want you to do on the break or DM me your answer to the question.

And then after we break, I'm gonna read your response, and then I'm gonna ans-answer that question." So what I did there is I didn't put the student on the spot. I allowed them to ask me a question. I then said, "Okay, do you even know what the cerebellum does?" Now, can you see how that could be condescending?

"Do you even-- Do you know what the cerebellum does?" And the stu-student's like, "No." I'll say, "Give me five jobs of the cerebellum." And based off what they write back to me, I could be like, "Hey, guys, I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding of what the cerebellum does. Let's dig into this first." Maybe the student gets that right, but when they try to assess the cerebellum, they use the wrong assessment.

So then we can go back there. And let's, let's be honest, if one student has the question, seven others have the question, right? All right. Now, I know I spent a lot of time on that one, but we're gonna work down the chain. Let's talk about communication. I call this courses, conversations, and coaching, all the C's.

Now, I find when we're asking questions Brian always gets annoyed with me. When I meet new people, I ask a lot of questions. I am such a curious person. Hello, I have a podcast about asking questions to get people to be more curious. So when I'm asking questions, I am literally so interested in like why you are who you are.

Like, I'm just fascinated. But Brian's like, "God, what is this? What are you interrogating them?" I'm like, "Oh, no, no, I'm just so interested." Right? So you could be asking questions to learn something or to confirm something. Now, I'm not gonna put hierarchy on which is better. You could be asking a question because maybe somebody has different beliefs than you and it really triggers you, but you don't want to assume something.

You might ask the question to confirm that. Okay? Or you might ask a question, "Could I ask what it is about that belief pattern that really resonates with you?" Okay? Because maybe they have a specific belief pattern because of personal experience, and you don't have to agree with that person. But it might help you understand why they are the way they are.

You don't have to accept it. You don't have to change. It's just learning, okay? So the other part of this with communications of asking questions, I don't like passive-aggressive questions. I'll give you an example. I had a boss when I worked at Goldman Sachs. When I was getting my master's, I worked at their wellness center and we had this full gym.

We gave them clothes, towels, everything. And I had this boss, he was so freaking passive-aggressive. Ugh. He would say, "Hey, Meghann, did you fold the towels?" And I wanted to be like, "Bitch, you know I didn't fold the towels. That's why you're asking." Why are you asking me a question you know the answer to? To shame me?

So say you have an employee that wasn't doing their job. A better question he could have asked me is, "Hey, Meghann "Do you have time now to fold the towels?" And I would be like, "I can't because I have to be on the floor. Nobody else is on the floor," and I didn't wanna go down and fold the towels and get in trouble for not being on the floor.

"Oh, well, I'll stay on the floor. You go fold the towels." So right then, the employee didn't screw up on purpose. They were trying to do their job. Or you could say, "Meghann, is there a reason why you haven't folded the towels yet?" "Yeah, I totally forgot. I'm really sorry. I, I'm on the floor right now. Is it okay I go downstairs and bring the towels up so I can fold them?"

Yeah, I was wrong, but we have a moment, because when you ask a passive-aggressive question, "Did you fold the towels?" I'm gonna go in defense mode, and this is my biggest pet peeve, and we all do it. I do it. One of my clients, when I was telling her this story, she was like, "You know, you get defensive, too," and I was like, "This isn't about me."

And I actually asked her, I go, "Can you do me a favor? Next time I get defensive, can you call me out right when I do it so I recognize it?" And she goes, "Do you really want me to do that?" I said, "Yes, I do." And she goes, "Okay." She's like, "You're not defensive a lot." And I go, "When am I defensive?" She's like, "Sometimes when I, like, bring up other things, you'll get defensive about what you do."

I go, "I know. Can I tell you why?" And she's like, "Yeah." I go, "I feel misunderstood that people think I do what that person does, and I don't. So I'm trying to figure out a better way to explain it." And she said to me, "Oh, that makes sense. I feel like you're better at explaining what you do now. A few years ago, I had no idea what you did."

And I was like, "Thanks." But hearing that I also got defensive was like, ugh, okay, we, we need more tools. Why do we get defensive? Because when people ask us a question, it might feel that they're threatening us, our whole belief systems, our integrity, everything. But as soon as you're in defense mode, you are not in learning mode.

You are not in a mode of communication. You are thinking about your defense. So when he asks me, "Did you do the towels?" I'll be like, "Well, I haven't done the towels yet because I've done this," da-da, da-da. I'm thinking about my defense rather than just owning it and be like, "No, I did not fold the towels yet."

And then I'm gonna get defensive. Then he's gonna come in, and it just becomes a ping pong match, right? And as soon as one person gets defensive... I had this conversation with a student recently. She felt that I was being hard on her. She was right. But I also said, "Every time I say something to you, it's no, no, no, and you get really defensive, so I always feel like I'm, like, dodging, and I'm trying to maneuver around you, and that's frustrating."

And she was like, "I can totally see that." And I said, "Here's what I'm gonna do." And I spoke to a few people about this, including, um, Rhonda, my therapist. I said, "What's a good strategy when people get defensive?" And I'm not joking, do you know what everybody's answer was? Ask more questions. And I was like, "Oh, totally in my wheelhouse."

So when somebody's getting defensive, I made the mistake of asking, "Why are you getting so defensive?" I learned that's not a good question. What might be a better question is, "Hey, what can I do better right now to fix this?" Or, "What is a better way I could answer that?" Or, "How can I better support you through this?

So I'm kind of putting it on you. What do you need right now? Because what I'm giving you is not working, and I don't know what to do." Okay? So when we're asking questions, it's really important to realize that people can get very defensive, and then we get defensive, and then it's like this ping pong match.

Pause. Ask a question

Hey, I feel like I am, I'm not understanding you right now. I'm sorry. Is there a better way you can explain this to me?

So you're kind of taking ownership. I'm not responding the way I-- you want me to. I don't know what to do here. Okay? So I'm actually trying to learn something. I'm trying to learn what is going to fix this situation. Or I can get defensive and confirm the fact that we cannot communicate well. I even noticed this with my husband.

Like, I went to do it to him the other day. "Did you..." I was about to be like, "Did you get the money for the cleaning lady out of the-- from the ATM?" I knew he didn't. It wasn't on the counter. So I said, "I'm sorry, do you think you have time this morning to get it?" And he was like, "Yeah, I could right now." And I'm like, "Brian, you're gonna be late for work.

I will just do it." And he goes, "Are you mad?" I'm like, "No." And he goes, "Are you disappointed?" And I was like, "No, because normally when I ask you to do something, you always do it. So I'm gonna let this one slide. I'm only annoyed 'cause now I have to do something, but don't make it a habit." Because if we're being honest, you only have to ask Brian to do something once.

He'll do it on his timeline, okay? You have to ask me, like, three times to do things. I forget very easily. So I was being hard on him in the way I was being, and I caught myself in three times where it could have gotten really combative. And when I just stepped back and asked a different question, it was a totally different response.

And I did not realize how much I was doing that in my personal life. So I'm bringing this to question three. In our personal life, the way we communicate and ask questions, just like in conversations, coaching, and learning is the same thing. So I remember my nephew-- I mean, everybody calls Brian and I the bicker sins, but my nephew, I saw him roll his eyes at me when I was bickering with Brian.

And I was like, "Excuse me?" And he was like, "You're doing a lot, Aunt Meghann." And I was-- realized, I was like, "Oh my God. I don't want him to think that I'm a combative person." And I was like, "Oh my God, I am escalating these situations." Instead of being direct, I was being passive-aggressive, okay? And what I realized was I was trying to confirm what I already knew.

I wasn't being curious. So when we're in our personal life, stop looking to confirm things you already believe. Be curious. Understand maybe why that person's taking that stance. There is a million reasons why questions are better, because there's-- it's always a breakdown in communication, miscommunication.

Brian and I always bicker about miscommunication or the fact that I'm always trying to fix things he doesn't want to be fixed, or we're both just getting frustrated with each other. So to add to this, do you wanna learn or confirm? That was question two. Question three is: do you want advice, or you just want someone to listen and be quiet?

I have realized I am a problem solver. You tell me a problem, if you've got a problem, yo, I'll solve it. Not everybody wants my opinion. Hello. And listen, it's my opinion. Opinions are like buttholes. We all have one. My opinions aren't always correct. Sometimes people just want to vent and have you listen.

I've realized that with Brian when he comes home from work, when he wants to vent about kids and teaching, he doesn't want my opinion on how he could be a better teacher. He just wants to vent. Oh And I learned something from that. Sometimes I learn, I'm thinking, "Oh, this is maybe how I would have done it better."

But I don't have to share that information with him. He didn't want my advice. Okay? So taking that personal stuff, let's bring this around to the top of learning. You're gonna have people in your courses or come to you, and they don't actually wanna learn. They wanna confirm their bias. I've had people take my advanced course, which is like a twelve hundred dollar course, so they could get on on the break.

At the end of every day, I'll be like, "What was your one takeaway from today? And keep it brief, guys, 'cause there's like eighty people here." There's always one person that pontificates about what they do, not mentioning anything they learned for the course. So they just paid two grand to tell me what they did, and that used to annoy the shit out of me.

But now I understand is they were looking to confirm their bias, either that they are not interested in what I'm teaching, and they're gonna keep doing what they're doing, or that what they're doing was good enough, or I don't know, maybe they just need to hear themselves speak. But it had nothing to do with me.

I was taking it so damn personally. Okay? So some people just want to vent and hear themselves talk and help them process it. I'm like that. I'm an auditory processor. One of my best friends, Diana, I remember getting angry with her 'cause my mom does this too. I was talking to her about something, and she just sat there looking at me, and I thought she was, like, uninterested in the conversation.

And I was like, "I feel like you're not, like, pay-- I feel like you don't care." And she was like, "Huh? No. I feel like you solve your own problems. If I just sit here and be quiet, you literally talk in a circle and solve your own problems. And I always learn something interesting about you along the way." And I literally started laughing.

I was like, "Oh my God, you are not a good friend. You are a great friend." She just listened to me yammer on about something, talk myself into a circle and figure it out, and support me. That is a great friend. Okay? So not always giving advice to students, something I'm working on, and letting them talk. Talk me through it more.

Tell me about how you're gonna look at the cerebellum. How are you doing a primary sensor input? And just let them talk, let them process, let them go through the mode. It's so, so helpful as a teacher. And then when they ask us a question, we can either answer that question or ask further questions to get clarity.

I know I went in a lot of different directions in this episode, but what I'd like the takeaway to be is questions are the best tool to improve communication, learning, and personal relationships if you use them correctly. If you understand the type of answer you're looking for, the knowledge gaps you have If you're trying to learn or confirm, and to me, most importantly, being clear about whether you want advice or you just want people to listen is going to completely dictate the way you interact with the world and everybody in it.

I know it's been super helpful to me as both a student, as a teacher. It hel- keeps me in the work. It keeps me curious. It makes learning less daunting. It makes it actually more interesting. And whether you're for or against AI, I'm not gonna get into this, but the beauty of AI is if you ask a vague question, you're going to get a vague answer.

But you a- you ask a really detailed, interesting question, it could be the person you need to bounce ideas off. I'm lucky I have two people professionally that I talk to and bounce ideas off of. But I go to one for one particular thing and one for something else. And I literally talk to myself for the third thing because nobody understands my work as well as I do.

So keep in mind, nobody has the answer you need. You have the answer you need. You just need to ask better questions