76. The Safety Tax

The most expensive part of getting across town is not always the fare. Sometimes it is the vigilance, the tight shoulders, the scanning, the calculation you do every minute just to feel safe enough to move through the world.

I’m taking you with me on a real-life decision: driving into Manhattan during rush hour instead of taking the train. I talk through the hidden safety checklist many of us run from the second we step outside, why that constant hypervigilance is so draining, and how the commute can follow you home long after you’ve arrived.

We also get into the emotional side of self-protection: what happens when people minimize your concerns, how gaslighting can make you question your own judgment, and why I’m done apologizing for boundaries. I share practical self-care tools that help me come down from a wired state.

Tune in to get the big takeaway, which might surprise you.

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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only.  This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.

Transcript

Welcome And What We Focus On

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body Podcast. I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate creative, storyteller, and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body. Welcome back to the show.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

I'm your host, Tiana, and on this episode, we're actually not going to talk about the gym, dumbbells, rep counts, nutrition, protein, fiber, any of that stuff. But what we are going to talk about is inner strength and self-protection. And by the end of this episode, you'll walk away with some strategies so that you know what to do the next time you find yourself questioning your choices or gaslighting yourself. Now, you have to forgive me because the landscapers are outside mowing the lawn and plucking the grass and doing whatever they're doing. And I have tried to record this episode about four times to no avail. So we're gonna give it a go one more time and see if we can get the job done. So thank you for being here. I appreciate your patience and time as we work through this. And if you hear the background noise, I apologize up front.

Why I Drove Into Manhattan

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Now I drove into the city, and when I say the city, I'm talking about the borough of Manhattan for those of you who are not from the New York tri-state area. I drove into the city during rush hour. I parked my car on the street. I had to pay for parking and pay for tolls and gas and all that good stuff. And I absolutely did not care because it was more appealing to me than taking public transportation. Now I live in the suburbs of New York. I'm probably, I would say, about 35 miles north of Times Square, if I had to give you a reference point on a map. Um, but it can vary in length of time travel depending on what route you go, what day, what time of day. Are you taking a bus, an Uber, driving yourself, taking the train? Typically, I take the train to this appointment, and typically I go either midday on a day off or in the afternoon. This time it was later in the day because I had some stuff I needed to do prior to. And I decided to drive, which is crazy because I knew I was rolling the dice, I could be sitting in a lot of traffic in both directions, and it was a risk that I was willing to take. Now, you're probably asking why. And why is this even a topic of conversation? Well, stick with me. You'll you'll know by the end of the episode. So typically I'll take the train to this appointment, which means that I leave my apartment building. Sometimes I walk to the train, sometimes I will drive to the train station. And if I walk, it's about a 12-minute walk if I'm walking fast. Then you gotta walk up to the platform, buy your ticket, take the train, get off at Harlem 125th, and then walk a couple blocks to take the subway. And then I take the green six train to go downtown about seven stops. And it probably sounds like a lot of steps, or maybe not. But what I don't mention, just in that quick summary, is the number of times that I am thinking about my safety. From

The Hidden Work Of Staying Safe

SPEAKER_01 3:48

the moment I step out of my apartment door and turn the key to lock the door and walk away, I am on high alert. I'm looking over my shoulder. I'm listening for sounds. I'm making sure I'm paying attention. I'm not wearing my best jewelry. I'm not wearing my best clothes. I will be using some type of bag or um belt bag that keeps all of my really important personal items close to my body. I'm looking over my shoulder constantly. I'm not on my phone that much, and I'm also trying not to stare at people. This is a lot. This is a lot for anyone, not just for me, not just for women, but for anyone. And this is also a piece of what it takes to make sure that you can tap into our pretty good public transportation system and do it unscathed. Now, for some people who are not from the city or have never taken the subway, it's a basically the Wild West. Some stations, some stops are relatively clean. And we're not comparing this to what I've seen as far as the trains in Japan. But relative to New York City, we have some stations that have been modernized or partially modernized. Some are old as hell, some have a pretty big number of vagrants, homeless people, anyone trying to make a dollar. And during the time of COVID and post-COVID, the initial period, I would say, probably all of 2020, most of 2021, and even into 2022, you couldn't, you wouldn't catch me dead on the train. Absolutely not. Not because the train is not safe itself, but because of what you have to subject yourself to, be around, and stand on the platform and wait, that energy, that vibe, those people. And listen, I will never knock anyone for having a hustle. However, when it comes to safety, I'm always gonna put my safety and the safety of those I care about the most first and foremost. So why did I decide to drive? Now, mind you, before I even get into that, the train system has improved. It has gotten a little bit better. Uh, that element will always be there. However, it seems to have gotten better since 2020, 2021. But why did I chat choose to drive, to roll the dice, to possibly sit in traffic, to pay for parking, which is also the variety there. So if you if you find parking, sometimes parking on the street is free, sometimes you have to pay a meter, sometimes you have to put it in a garage or a lot, and the cost can vary. So if you find a free spot, great. Uh, sometimes you have to pay the meter, that could be anywhere from like two, four, five, ten, fifteen dollars. And then if you put it in a garage, all bets are off. You have no idea. That is a system that I it still eludes me to this day because the the garage business is owned by like a few different companies, and then they make up their own rates and their own pricing schedule, and they base it on the time of day you show up, how long you're gonna be there. Is it a weekday? Is it a weekend? Is it a holiday? Are they open 24 hours? I mean, you need to know what you're doing. However, all of that being said, I wanted that experience for myself because I wanted to be able to just chill, to just breathe.

Money Versus Emotional Cost

SPEAKER_01 7:50

And even if it meant that I was gonna be sitting in traffic in both trips, going to the appointment and coming home from the appointment, it was something that I wanted for myself. Why? Because the mental load and the exhaustion and fatigue that ensues from being out in the public, on public transportation, walking on the streets, I just didn't want to deal with it. Now I still had to walk on the street a little bit to get from where I parked my car to the appointment. No big deal. But even in those two trips to and from the car, hyper-vigilance, looking around, making sure you're okay, making sure nobody's following you, all of that. It is in a very insane world that we live in right now. And while I'm hyper-vigilant and aware, I also believe that you can't stay cooped up in your house all day forever and ever. You have to get out into the world, you have to experience things. But it's up to you to decide what cost you are willing to pay. So, are you willing to pay more money to have a little bit more comfort and to be able to breathe a little bit, to listen to your own music however loud you want to, without having to worry about making eye contact with the wrong person sitting across the train from you, or you know, standing too close to you, all of those things. Or would you rather save a little bit of money? And there's no right answer here. This is truly just a conversation, but it's one worth having because it's one that many women have to have with themselves every single day. I don't think we realize how taxing and how overwhelming this can be because for many of us, this is just how we were raised. This has been ingrained in us from day one. There are things I have to think about that I know men do not need to think about. I mean, they probably should, but they certainly don't to the same extent that we do. Looking over their shoulder, making sure no one's following them home, making sure that there's no one standing close to or around their car when they get in their car, whether it's in the morning, night, it doesn't even matter what time of day it is anymore. Okay. And the thing is to do all of that, to take the train, to get there, walk back and forth, walk from the train station home, all that good stuff. It is so exhausting. And guess what happens for me? By the time I get home, I am so wound up. So I'm mentally exhausted, but typically my heart rate is racing and my nervous system is in overdrive.

Resetting A Wired Nervous System

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Now I have tools and strategy that I use to help myself. They may or may not be for you. Some of them would be listening to meditation music when I get home, putting on uh some type of meditation that's guided, using EFT tapping, journaling, making tea, making something comforting to eat. I know all of this stuff sounds so basic and rudimentary, but these are the things that help me, and maybe they'll help you. But nine times out of ten, when I get home from that appointment, when I'm on public transportation, it takes me forever to fall asleep at night because I'm so wound up, I'm so wired, and it's nothing that I can control. So here's the thing for you that I would like for you to consider. When you're thinking about the cost of something, do you take into account the emotional cost of something besides the financial cost? Do you think about what it's gonna cost you internally, how much of your mental bandwidth it's gonna take, how much of your energy it's gonna zap from you, how much effort it requires. Because that's something that's worth noticing. That's something that's worth considering. How many times are you told in your life when you're sharing a story and someone says, oh, it's not that bad, oh, but nothing happened, you're just being dramatic or you're overreacting. And what happens when that occurs is you're feeling like you're not being seen, you're not being heard, you're being gaslit. And that also is taxing in and of itself, wondering if the person you're sharing your experience with has your back and if they support you.

Stop Saying Sorry For Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 12:41

So you have to be willing to make these choices without having without apologizing, without saying, I'm so sorry, but, or sorry to be rude, or sorry to be this or sorry to be that. Stop saying sorry. You don't need to be sorry for existing, for doing what's best for you, for establishing a boundary, for creating space for yourself to move forward, to thrive, to get the best experience. So the next time that you're in a situation similar to this, where maybe you're sharing a story or maybe you're about to go experience something and something doesn't feel right, you need to pay attention. What does that feel like in your body? Can you see it clearly? Can you feel it? Because that's energy. That's energy that you're gonna spend. That's energy, like it's just like when you make plans with people, and then on the day of, you're secretly hoping they cancel, or you're secretly hoping that they do things the way you want to, instead of you actually voicing what you need or what you desire, because you don't want to ruffle feathers, you don't want to go against the grain, you don't want to be the one that's the most expensive. Now, I will say, in almost every friend group, there is someone who's like, I don't give a fuck. This is what I want to do, and I don't care how much it costs. But that person aside, expensive is not just about the money, it's about the time, it's about logistics, it's about convenience, it's about also being okay with feeling quote unquote extra. It's about your sense of safety. And when you want to be cheaper about something, at what cost are you willing to do that? So I want

Trusting Your Gut Over Time

SPEAKER_01 14:33

you to stop arguing with yourself. I want you to listen to your gut. And I know I say that a lot on this show, and I also know that I'm in my late 40s, so it's easier for me to trust my gut because I've been through a lot more than maybe someone who's still in college. At that age, you're just stepping into experiences and you kind of have to go with the flow and figure out what trusting your gut actually feels like. And when you build that strength, you build enough trust in yourself to trust your instincts. That's one decision at a time that you do that. You can then look back and say, like, yeah, no, this worked for me, this didn't work for me, this is what I want to do, this is what I don't want to do, and you stick to your guns. Now I know this episode is a little different from my norm because I usually talk about the gym or strength training and mindset, but I also think it's really timely because we are seeing a lot of material coming to the surface in the media about safety. And the first person that needs to keep you safe is yourself. So, yeah, I drove to the city, I spent more money because I had to pay for gas to put in my car, I paid for the tolls on the highway, and I paid for parking on the street, which by the way was like significantly higher than I thought. It used to be in this neighborhood I went to, I think for two hours just a couple years back, it was somewhere around six or seven dollars, maybe eight dollars. Now it's almost 14 for two hours on like Sethon Avenue in the high 60s. That's the neighborhood I went to. So, whatever. It is what it is. A couple dollars is not gonna kill me, but it's just the point. It's annoying, but it's the point. So when you find yourself deliberating, second guessing yourself, maybe even gaslighting yourself, I want you to stop. I want you to recognize what you're feeling, I want you to slow down and get real with yourself and figure out what it is that's most important for you. What are you willing to spend or to tap into as an expense that maybe you didn't want to do when you were younger, but now it's more important to you. And oh, by the way, guess what? You get to change your mind every single time. You do not have to always do the same thing over and over and over again. That is the beautiful part of life.

Share And Connect On Instagram

SPEAKER_01 17:13

So if this hits home, share it with someone who gets it, share it with someone that you care about, that you know might be that person that's gaslighting themselves constantly and that they need to learn how to trust their gut. If you want to stay in touch with me, check the show notes on how to do that. And I would love for us to connect on social media. So if you happen to be on Instagram, please give me a follow and let me know that you found me through the podcast, and I will follow you back. All right, I'll catch you on the next one.