79. I Wasn't Over It. I Moved Anyway

I share the moment I realized nobody was coming to save me and why that truth became the start of my transformation. We talk through heartbreak, therapy, movement, and the small decisions that help you step back into life without waiting to feel “fully healed.”
• a flat tire story as a simple reminder of support versus rescue 
• the 2009 breakup alongside a bodybuilding comeback and the grief behind the win 
• noticing relationship patterns and taking radical responsibility without self-blame 
• choosing therapy and checking credentials instead of confusing coaching with licensed care 
• using the gym as a consistent anchor and proof of your capacity 
• reframing movement as medicine and somatic healing to move emotion through the body 
• letting life be messy and giving yourself permission to be a work in progress 
• stepping out of isolation to measure growth and build resilience 
• three prompts to journal on
• recognizing friends who care versus friends of convenience and building stronger connections 

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Disclaimer: This show is for education and entertainment purposes only.  This is not intended as a replacement for therapy. Please seek out the help of a professional to assist you with your specific situation.

Transcript

Welcome And The Flat Tire Lesson

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Welcome to the Unbreakable Mind and Body Podcast. I am your host, Tiana Gonzalez, a multi-passionate creative, storyteller, and entrepreneur with a fierce love for movement. This is our space for powerful stories and actionable strategies to help you build mental resilience and elevate your self-care practice. Together, we will unlock the tools that you need to create an unbreakable mind and body. Welcome to the show. I'm your host, Tiana, and on this episode, I'm going to remind you why you need to rescue yourself. Now, the ironic part is I wrote out my outline for this episode yesterday, and then I got a flat tire. And I did get help. Someone very important to me inconvenienced themselves, came to me, took the completely flat tire off my car, put the donut on, and helped me out. And I just want to say I am forever grateful and I'm so appreciative of the people that I have in my life. And I also am appreciative of the times when I didn't have as much help or a support system. And that's what we're really going to dive into and talk about today.

2009 Heartbreak Before Peak Week

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Now, by the end of this episode, you will walk away with a couple of ideas for things that you can do and ideas you can either think about or journal on or reflect upon to change the way you think about instances where you're really struggling, you're really looking for help, and you are hoping that somebody will come and save you. I want to take us back to a time when I was at a very low point in my life. In the spring of 2009, I was preparing for a comeback to the bodybuilding stage, getting ready for a figure competition. I was in a tumultuous relationship that I would say we had a lot of ups and downs. And at this point, I was so focused on myself and on what I needed to do to get ready for my show that I was neglecting certain aspects of the relationship. Now, the reality is the relationship was doomed for a while. We were just holding on and trying to make it work as long as we could. And me focusing on myself and preparing for my competition was really the wedge that split us apart. But there were already a ton of cracks, and it was literally broken before I decided to do the show. And I remember hitting a wall. Things had come to a head in this relationship. I was one week out from getting on stage. I kind of bottled up my emotions and I told my soon-to-be-ex, like, listen, I really need to focus. I can't even worry about this relationship right now. I'm gonna do what I need to do for this final week. We call that peak week. I expect you to be at the show. Uh, and then maybe afterwards we can sit down and really talk about what needs to happen as far as next steps. That time came and went. We split up. It was devastating. And it was absolutely not what I wanted at the time, but it was exactly what I needed because I needed to do more work on myself. I needed to get out of relationships where I was feeling neglected. And when you are thinking about the relationships in your life, friendships, working relationships, client coach relationships, romantic relationships, and you start thinking about the similarities among all of these people, past or present, the common denominator is you. So if you're noticing a trend or you're seeing recurring patterns in people's behaviors, I would ask you to take a look at yourself. What is it about you that is drawing these types of people to you? And what does it say about you as far as what you will allow or tolerate in your life? Now, this is not an attack on you, but this is really more of coming from a place of gentle curiosity and exploration. Now, it's 2009. I just did a show, I won the overall title. I should be happy and joyous and celebrating, and I was for a short period of time. And I also was absolutely devastated because I had to end this relationship that was not good for me anymore. And it was not what I wanted, but it was what I needed, as I said. And I just remember thinking, you know, someone

The Day I Stopped Waiting

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needs to come and fix this, someone needs to come and pull me out of this, someone needs to come and help me. And I waited. And I waited some more. And then I realized, you know what? Nobody is coming. Nobody is coming to save me. Nobody is going to make this all better. Nobody is going to wipe this away clean. No one is going to pull me out of this slump. Except for me. You see, nobody was coming. And that was probably the greatest gift I ever received. Because that was the beginning of a life-changing transformation. That was the beginning of everything for me. Now, the heartbreak that I felt wasn't just about losing a person in my life, but it was also about me losing a version of myself that I thought that I was. It was about giving up a ton of friends. When you're in a relationship for a long period of time, your lives become interwoven and entangled with each other. And it's not as simple necessarily as just saying you're done and moving on with your life. I'm sure in some instances that is true, regardless of your age or where you're at in your life. But for many of us, we get into these relationships, you meet the other person's friends, they meet your friends, you may do some holidays together, or you may split your time on holidays and spend part of the day at one person's house and then the other part of the day with the other. You may get close with their siblings or their cousins or their aunts or their network of friends, their community, their professional network, you never know, is very common, particularly in New York City. You know, people from the office are gonna go to happy hour and they bring their significant others. Like that's not uncommon. So you're undoing all of these things that you once were. And the instinct is to wait. Wouldn't it be great if somebody could just show up and wipe everything clean? Wouldn't it be amazing to have someone come and comfort you and say, it's gonna be okay? And that quiet, uncomfortable realization that you are absolutely the only person who can do that for yourself is a relief and it's also disappointing in the same breath. And that's where the gym came in for me. So, yes, I was already going to the gym, I was already uh maniac with the workouts, I was competing after I won this particular show in June of 2009 in New York City. I was on a wave, I was on a high. Facebook was pretty new for people who were not in college. So I created a Facebook page. I was getting hundreds of requests per day. I was letting in anyone who was in the bodybuilding world. There was a lot of hype. At this point in time, there were um forums, there were forums for each muscle magazine. So there was muscular musculardevelopment.com, there was uh, I believe bodybuilding.com, there was also another website. Oh my goodness, I can't think of the name. Species, which was a supplement company, and they also had a message board. There was a ton. So there was a lot of internet activity happening and people crossing over. So they would meet you in a forum and then look for your Facebook page, or they would find you in an ad in an online magazine and then look for your Facebook page and so on. And so there was a lot of buzz because I was pretty much a nobody. I didn't have any social media presence, and it that was still not a huge thing back in that time, but industry connections were valid, and I didn't have any. I had not done any shows recently, so I really was like a sleeper that showed up and swept the show, took it all. There was a lot of buzz about that. I I definitely caused some ripples, I hurt some feelings, and I was riding that wave. And so in the external, I was smiling, I was joyous, I was happy, I was celebrating, and then internally I was grieving, I was sad, I was trying to get over, you know, the loss of what I thought my life was supposed to be, or the ideas that I had in my mind. And when all the dust settled, the lights were down, the the paint had worn off my, you know, my my tan had worn off my body. Not the paint, my tan. Although you do paint the tan on, so that's probably why I said that. You put the glittery bikini back on the hanger and hang it up, and now it's time to get back to life. And so it was after the next few shows, which I did two more that same summer, and then I hung it up for the season, that things really started to fall into place as far as these realizations of how much change I was about to face. And that's where the gym helped me completely because now I was aware of what I was capable of. I was pushing myself harder in the gym. I was working out with a different type of intensity because I wasn't getting ready for the stage for several months. So it was my off season. So I was going hard. I was trying to keep as much muscle, if not gain muscle, in that time. And while it was extremely comforting and soothing, and I was pushing myself, it was also a constant when I felt like so many other parts of my life were falling apart. Now, something I really want to highlight here is that I went back

Therapy And Real Support

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to therapy. And this is really important. I had been in and out of therapy as a kid. I think my first therapy session ever, I was eight years old. I went in and out for a few sessions in elementary school, maybe one or two in middle school due to some trauma that I faced in my family. And then as an adult, I went back in 2009 and I went hardcore. We're talking two sessions a week for a good amount of time. And it was life-changing, absolutely life-changing. Now, I could probably talk for hours about how therapy changed my life and what it did for me, but I don't want to go down that rabbit hole today. I want to make that recommendation to you. If you're struggling and you need support, I would get the help of a qualified professional. Listen to me very carefully. People who are coaches and who have certifications are not the same thing as a licensed therapist. So please make sure you're checking the credentials of any person that you decide you're going to work with, that you're going to divulge your life to, and that you're going to pay for their services. Those coaches and the certifications are good and they're great, but you need to know what you're working with up front. All right. What I want to do with this episode is just share with you what my personal experience was in these times and this period of 2009 going into 2010 was really a huge shift for me. Because that realization of no one coming, no one is coming to save me. And why that's not a tragedy, that was huge. You know, we we tell ourselves these stories, we make up these ideas in our mind. And especially around relationships, sometimes things happen to you or or someone pulls you through it. But the more liberating truth here is that rescuing yourself is a choice you have to make. And it's going to be something you're going to have to decide for yourself more often than once or even twice in your life. You're going to be faced with thousands of challenges. And it is important to recognize that everything you need to get you through it, you have within you. What a therapist or a licensed professional will be able to do is to help you reframe how you think about those things. So first you unpack all of this stuff. And then you start to look at things through a new lens with tools that you get from the professional that you're working with. So they're not technically going to tell you what to do next or give you scripts or make all of these recommendations. Typically, they're going to ask you things like, how did that make you feel? And what would you like differently? And give you suggestions for how you're going to handle that the next time, or how are you going to bring this up the next time it comes up and you don't want to do the same thing you did before? You're trying to change your patterns. So if you're trying to change your patterns, then of course it has to come from within you and not from someone outside of you, which is why I say again, no one is coming to save you. Now you have to realize that life is messy. This is messy. Sorting through all this stuff is messy. And it's okay. It's okay to be stuck in the middle. It's okay to be messy. It's okay to not have it all figured out because life keeps going, the clock keeps ticking, you have to keep moving forward. And you can give it a name and you can say, all right, well, I'm in the process of shifting this thing in my life, but I'm not really done yet. And that's okay. And you can give yourself permission to operate within that mess. Now I want to be clear: asking for help is not the same as waiting for someone to come and save you. That's not really a rescue from the outside. That is a way for you to go deeper within yourself and maybe put a different pair of glasses on

The Gym As Proof Of Capacity

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when you're looking at your stuff. I think that's how I would like to frame that for you. Now, when we're talking about the gym, and my assumption is that if you're listening to this show, you probably work out in some capacity. And I, if not, it's never too late to start. People tend to look at fitness as some type of punishment. They either want to change the way they look, they want to lose weight, they want to fix something, they want to earn something, they want to erase something, they want to repair something. And the gym can become something completely different for you and in a different season of your life. And that's absolutely okay. The gym doesn't ask anything of you except for your presence, your effort, and that you're showing up on a regular basis. The gym will give you back evidence of your own capacity. I'm gonna say that again. The gym will give you back evidence of your own capacity. So what the gym was for me in that season in 2009, after I was done with my shows and looking to put on a little bit of size is a different, it's a different stimulus. It was a different purpose. It gave me something different from let's say what I'm using the gym for now. The bar, the weights, the equipment, all of that is consistent. But what it meant to me is something different. And and that's really the key takeaway here. It's a safe space, it doesn't have to always be punishment. And the other part of this is you don't have to knock it out of the park every time. You've heard me say it a million times, done is better than perfect. You've heard me say something is better than nothing. So maybe your best today is really only about 50%. But if you give me a hundred of that 50%, I'm okay with that. Because you dug deep and you found whatever you could for me on that day in the gym. Do you understand? Now, there's a reason why you've heard about movement is medicine. You want to move stagnant energy, you want to get down into your body. It is helpful, especially for trauma recovery, to do what is called somatic healing. So that would be similar to like dancing or getting into a flow. And you can find whatever flow is suitable for you, and that is gonna do the trick. But remember, it's about how you frame it, it's about how you see it, it's about how you think about it. You define what that is for yourself, and no one else can. Now,

You Can Re-Enter While Healing

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lastly, and this is probably the biggest point of all in this episode: if you walk away with anything, let it be this. You do not have to be fully healed to come back into reality, to come back into your life, to come back out from hiding, to pull yourself out of that cave. First of all, there's no such thing as being fully healed. That is a lie, that is a fallacy, that is a story we tell ourselves. There is no such thing. But you can step out into the world as a work in progress. You could be healing. And something that I'm guilty of, I know other people are guilty of it too, is they'll say, like, oh, I'm not ready yet. I need to work on this right now, or I'll put myself back out there once I'm whole. A lot of times people will say, like, when they're recovering from a breakup or they went through something traumatic or difficult, you know, maybe they need time. And yes, we want to respect someone's wishes and also recognize that you may never feel fully ready. So sometimes you'll you'll hear stories about people that meet and they have a great connection, things are going well. And then all of a sudden, maybe they're not moving at the same pace anymore. They're not moving in the same direction. And one party says, you know, I'm enjoying your company, but I really need to focus on myself right now. I need to take care of a couple of things. So I'm not looking for a commitment. And that could be absolutely valid and true. And you have to respect that. Just say, okay, cool. If you're working on yourself, you know, good luck. And let it go and move on with your life. Now that's hard for a lot of people to do, and again, this could be a whole separate, this could be a whole ever opposite uh podcast series talking about what people say and what they mean, especially in dating culture. But that is not my expertise, and there's hundreds of other podcasts you you can listen to for that. What I want you to walk away with is to recognize that you can be healing and also feel good enough to step back out into the world and to give it a try. Here's the thing if you keep yourself in isolation, if you stay in hermit mode, if you never come out from your cave, how do you actually know how healed? You have become? How do you know how far you have progressed? How do you know what's left that you still need to work on? You see, it is not until you're back out in the weeds that you are back out on the field, that you are putting yourself out into the world and on the market and dating and interacting with other human beings that you actually have the opportunity to see. Well, how did you respond this time? Or, wow, something like that used to really trigger me 10 years ago, but I'm actually okay with it right now. And it's through the self-awareness and observation that you pick up, wow, I'm really okay with this, or this is still bothering me. Let me see how I can navigate this. Now, this is not to take away from, you know, if you're in a relationship or a situation with someone and they do something shitty. I'm not trying to minimize that. What I am trying to get at is that when you're taking radical responsibility for yourself and for your part and for your participation in something, that's different. And that's where you could say, Oh, you know what? I still have a little bit of work to do on this. And, you know, sometimes people will say, like, oh, I'm afraid of getting hurt again. Guess what? You're gonna get hurt. That is a part of life. If you are always living with this armor around yourself, with this protective shield over your heart, and you're closed off to the world, unfortunately for you, you are also going to miss the amazing opportunities from good people because you don't want to let anyone in. And that's the hard part about being in your healing journey, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, allowing yourself to be seen, allowing to be exposed and to be out there. You have to become resilient to take the good and the bad. You have to recognize where this could be really bad if you choose to hurt me, but I'm gonna tell you how I feel anyway. And I am scared, and I'm also going to continue moving forward through this. And that is the work of somebody who's really done some introspection. Maybe they did some therapy, maybe they've done a lot of therapy. But you can you can sense a level of maturity and a sort of refreshed perspective on things. Now, this is not in any sort of way to make anyone feel uncomfortable or to be pushy or aggressive. You do need to make sure that you're okay before you put yourself out there again. But remember that healing it doesn't have a finish line. It's not a book that you're gonna turn the page and then never look back. It is an ongoing journey. I always describe healing as sort of a spiral staircase and you're climbing up the staircase. Now, if you've ever been in a home or in a building where there's a spiral staircase, it is so interesting because you're climbing up this staircase and you're passing by certain walls or pieces of artwork or scenery, and you're you're continuing to pass by it over and over and over again because you're moving in a circular pattern, but you are actually going up as you're going around in this circular pattern. And so, yes, you're going to encounter people, places, things, circumstances, events that are similar or that remind you of something from your past. And how will you respond this time? That's really the magical part. So give yourself a little pat on the back, give yourself some credit, remind yourself that yes, the world can be a scary place, and you are still gonna set foot and get out there because the world's a better place when you're out there and living in it. So let's go back and think about what we talked about today and how you're gonna think about some of these things maybe a little bit differently, okay?

Three Steps To Move Forward

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First, I want you to find something consistent. Maybe it's the gym, something physical, something that brings you back down into your body. I know you hear me say that a lot. You wanna move through these emotions, okay? Similar to grief, similar to any type of intense emotion, it is in your body and you're not gonna get away from it. So when you suppress your emotions, you're literally just closing them off and you're suppressing them. They're still in you. If you are expressing yourself, if you are moving your body, if you are talking about what you're feeling, if you are allowing yourself to shed tears, to laugh, to cry, to scream, to punch a pillow, to dance, to kick something, or just kick in the air, you're actually moving that energy around, and that's a good thing. Now, next, I want you to name what it is you're waiting for. So this may be a little outside the box, but if you're holding on to something or if you're thinking about when you're gonna actually be ready and what that ready would look like, I want you to take a pen and paper and give it a name and think about what you are waiting for? What do you want to feel? What do you need to see? What do you need permission for before you actually take action, before you actually feel ready, before you actually can say to yourself, okay, I'm good with this whole thing. I'm ready to move on with my life. And then the third thing, I want you to take a big step back and then think about how you're gonna go back out into the world. It's not a crazy re-entry, you're not a it's not a big splash, it's not one conversation, it's a lot of conversations, it's a date, it's a session with a therapist, it's making new friends, it's introducing yourself to a stranger. And the more that you put yourself out there in these small and little ways, the better you're going to feel and the easier it will become. And that big wall that you see in front of you is now shrinking down and getting smaller as you're walking towards it. So I talked about this devastating heartbreak in 2009, which I'm actually so grateful for because I love who I have become since then. And I'm glad that no one came to save me. Someone did come to save me today because I had a giant screw in my tire, but that's a different kind of saving. But what I meant is like no one was coming to save me in my life to be my hero, to sweep me off my feet and wipe everything away and say it's all gonna be okay, I can take care of you, and you don't have to worry, and you don't have to cry, and you don't have to work ever again. I mean, would I love for that to happen? I think we all might to some degree. But to know that the most important person that can save you is you, that's actually really powerful.

Friends By Convenience Or Care

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Now, the best version of me. I am her because I figured it out. I am the best version of me because I got the help of a professional. I am the best version of me because I let go of so many bad habits and people that really didn't care about me. And I stopped doing things with people who were truly just there because it was convenient, but they weren't actually interested in being a part of my life or of really looking out for me. And so as you get older in life, you will realize that there are people who are your friends because they genuinely care and they are interested in being in a part of your life. And then there are people who are friends out of convenience or circumstance. And I'm not saying that they're all bad people, but when you get a flat tire and somebody has to come to the road to help you out, who are those people for you? Can you think of anyone? And if you can't, maybe it's time you met some new people somewhere else. Maybe it's time that you came out of your shell and introduced yourself to someone. Maybe it's time you put a little bit of effort and work into the relationships that you really care about so that you can have a good experience in your life. You could have strong connections with these people that you can pour

Review The Show And Find Me

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into people and they can pour into you. If this episode landed for you, I would love for you to leave me a review and let me know. If you scroll down to the bottom of the show notes, you'll see how you can leave me a review. It helps boost the show's transparency so that other people can discover this show and they can join us and be a part of our community. And I'd love for you to come and find me. I hang out mostly on Instagram and you can check the show notes to see how to find me on Instagram and send me a DM so that we can stay in touch. Again, if you love this episode, please give me a review, help me out. I'll see you on Instagram, and I will catch you on the next one.