Are You Raising HELPLESS Young Adults? | Therapists Unhinged Ep. 3

In this episode of Therapist Unhinged, we dive deep into the concept of "coddling culture" and its impact on today's youth. We discuss how many young adults, despite being tech-savvy and capable in certain areas, struggle with basic life skills such as making appointments or handling everyday tasks. This disconnect raises questions about the balance between protection and independence in parenting.

We explore the generational shifts in parenting styles, particularly how fear often drives parents to overprotect their children, inadvertently hindering their ability to learn from mistakes and develop confidence. Our conversation highlights the importance of allowing young people to experience discomfort and failure as essential parts of growth.

Throughout the episode, we emphasize the need for parents to check their motivations and fears, encouraging them to foster independence in their children. We share personal anecdotes and practical strategies for instilling confidence, such as encouraging kids to take on responsibilities and make decisions for themselves.

Ultimately, we aim to empower parents to create a supportive environment where their children can thrive, learn, and grow into capable adults. We remind listeners that while the journey may be challenging, there is hope for building strong, independent young adults who can navigate the complexities of life.

Therapists Unhinged is where mental health gets real. Hosted by licensed therapists who tell it like it is, this podcast dives deep into the messy, meaningful, and hilarious parts of being human. From mastering resilience to navigating the chaos of everyday life, we bring raw conversations, expert insights, and unfiltered honesty...no jargon, no BS.

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Produced by APodcastGeek.

Transcript

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This coddling culture is causing chaos. Can you say that five times fast? Coddling culture causing chaos. Graduation night, I was ready. I was ready to be an adult. But now it's like, these kids are like, where do we go? Like, you're 17, you're 18. Figure it out. It's like, what do And I'm like, you have to put yourself in experiential situations. Have the flushed face, feel nervous in the car like you want to throw up. Did you? But did you die? But did you die? But did you die? That's right. All right. Welcome to episode three of Therapist Unhitched. Here we are. So today we are talking about huddling and what that does to our kids and young adults and all of that. Because, I mean, if you think about it, ladies, I know everyone can relate that a lot of kids, teenagers and young adults, man, they are tech savvy. They can do videos, social media, and they can do all this stuff that we don't know how to do sometimes. However, they can't call and make a doctor's appointment. You know, they don't know how to change a tire. They don't know how to do a lot of things. So where's the balance? Where is this culture, coddling culture coming Well, who do you want to go first? Cause I'm going to hit you with the, I mean, so one, you know what we got to start with? Let's go getters. Cause y'all know in the last podcast, I said, by the time y'all see that one, we're going to be natural champs and y'all, sorry, had to rep. I'm saying, and you know what? Cause it's funny. Cause I was glad we were doing this today because, you know, I'm going to relate it back. And I think even I was thinking about what was it about our team that just was so different than any of the other teams. And that was it. They didn't get cobbled at all. I mean, they didn't get good press. They didn't get anything. Didn't have a number one, this, that it was just a bunch of little dogs coming in. but they knew what they had to do. And that's the thing. If they didn't have it, they figured it out. And I think that's the problem. But also I think a lot of it goes back to, and I tell my students, I say, the problem is a lot of times like when COVID happened, you know, because there's a lot of that psychosocial development that happens in public schools and public thing and actually experiencing things. And so if you were any type of a child or a person that's very introverted and didn't quite understand the world, but you still had to show up and you had to navigate the world your way. And so, and again, not their fault. And I tell them all the time, I said, not your fault. I said, but then there was all these choices and all these things. And of course, as a parent who didn't know what to do, and if their child was already struggling and then go, Oh, we have the option to just keep them home. You know, and now they're 18 and they're whatever, and they're trying to even go to college or they're trying to get a job, which is why even in my class, my Gen Psy class, I do interviews. We talk about all that stuff because I'm like, you have to, and I ask them, so I, how many of y'all are comfortable talking just one-on-one? I'm like, they don't know how to date. They don't know how to make friends. They don't, and it's just not just one or It is. It is. I'm finding too, you know, that some of these kids, they don't know how to fill out job applications. You know what I mean? And like you said, they're so tech savvy and they know this and they know that, but like real life stuff, they don't. I And then it affects them. Like what I'm seeing too is I love young adults, just like you do. Like I really vibe with them. I love like my 18 to 25 year old. But what I'm seeing a huge issue is that they were, you know, they had, let's say great parents, you know, intact families, however you want to picture, you know, picture perfect families, you know, and parents that have been really supportive, but how supportive were they? Like sometimes what we do is we think that we're trying to protect them. We're trying to teach them something. However, what we're really doing is preventing them to learn from mistakes, learn how to problem solve, things like that. And then what happens is, is that a lot of times when we get to it, like they fear because they lack the confidence because they were so codependent on their parents doing everything for them, just taking over. And I, and I want to question parents out there because I've been Yeah, and say to us, like, where are we going with this? Are we trying to protect our children? Or is this coming from a place of fear? Because I really think that it's fear based, why parents sometimes are like, overdo it and like the helicopter or the lawnmowing parents, which is another term, which they're paving the way everywhere they go for their kids. So they're using the lawnmower. And it's like, yeah, because you're trying to just do everything for them. So it's perfect. But then where did they go? Where did they go when they're 18 and 19 and they're trying to do things? I'm like, mom, make my doctor's appointment. Who do I call? How do I go to I think sometimes too, because I can attest to being like that helicopter woman, I guess, you know, from, you know, what my kids have told me in times past. But I think, you know, if there's a parent out there that's still doing that, it's because we have the mindset that we don't want our kids to go Right, it is fear. It's definitely fear. Especially if, you know, the parents have had a hard upbringing. where they've had to figure out things on their own that they shouldn't have had to figure out at that time. So they try to save our kids from that. But in essence, we are doing them a disfavor by doing that. So Yeah, and it comes from a good place. Those parents who are doing that, it's not because they're a bad parent or they're terrible. It's just they're thinking they're doing good, but it's really doing harm in the long run. So, so one of the things, because again, you know, I'm very psychoeducation come from education. I taught this at, in high school was life, you know, and what I'm seeing a lot of my parents is just, again, it's, it's the lack of knowing what to do. And I'm going to give you, for instance, some of our kids, again, have been in crisis. And we actually say mental health until my kids, y'all are lucky. This is the first generation that's ever had mental health in a conversation. But when you've had a kid that's been maker active, when you've had a kid that cuts, when you have our parents didn't go through that, they don't. What is that? How do you know? And especially if you have any type of older generation parent, it's like, what do you even mean? And what, like, just get it together. And They literally, for whatever reason, and there's a lot of times that with my parents, I am literally the one that says, hey, your child's not in crisis anymore. You got to stop treating them like they are because that's on here. But what if, but what if? And I said, but you got me on board now. I will let you know what if, but, and that's what I'm saying is that you can even see because you know, we're all parents and you know, as a single parent, there's always that kind of, oh my gosh, like, is he, will I, oh, am I, you know? And I said, but that's when you say, listen, I have built a foundation. I'm giving you everything I've got. You have to instill and believe in your children's sake because I know they're part me. So they're going to be fine. And if they're upset, good. Ye is what's helping them gro the only that we've created, I think it does just, it's generational because like you said, our generation of parents were like, bye, see Exactly, and that's how- We were eight. I mean, I moved out on my own at 17, and so like I know a You know, I'm just thinking too, as you're saying, like, I remember graduation night, I was, you know, like, I had my own place. I was ready. I was ready to be an adult. But now it's like, these kids are like, where do we go? Like, you're 17, you're 18. Figure it out. You know, how do we stop it, you know, one thing that I do it, one thing that I do with like parents who let's say have these older like 16 and up teenagers and they're kind of going through it of, you know, let's say their teen is either trying to like spread their wings and fly and their parents is like pulling them back in. So that's when you have to, I always tell my parents, okay, check yourself. Why are you doing this? Like, what is your purpose? So checking yourself with like, what is your purpose right now for them? Like, what do you want for your child? So really take a look. Is it fear based? A lot of it comes from fear. So I fear that my child will be able to do X, Y, and Z. Or I fear that my child will make a big mistake and ruin their life. So all of that is fear based. So we have to check ourselves as like, do you, are you giving them the confidence? Are you saying, you know what, you got this. And if you make a mistake, that's okay. You're going to bounce back. You're going to be fine. And allowing them to do those, make those mistakes. But a lot of parents think that I'm going to prevent them from making mistakes, which Well, then I always go and guess what? It's not I'm afraid little Johnny's not gonna, you know, hang out with so-and-so and so-and-so's son is doing this and so-and-so's daughter doing this. The worst thing you can ever do to your child is compare that child to somebody else. Do not, even if it's a sibling, do not do it. I'm going to tell you right now, we know I'm so different from my siblings. And that's the thing. That is what I grew up with. And we know that is my story because, and that's why I work well. Like I said, give me an underdog, give me a, you know, our little nerve spices because it is, we are able to explain that. But especially if you have a child that is neurodivergent, I mean, and our capacity and our problem solving, our lack of fear and parents are going, whoa, wait, how come, whoa, slow down, what? Parameters, keep safe. But they're good. The worst thing you can do is And that's true. And I think too, to kind of speak to it, like, how do you stop it? I think it's gonna start with, again, reassuring our kids, you know, that they have the confidence, instilling that confidence, like sometimes you just gotta startle, you know, and have the conversation and, you know, let them know that we believe in them. You know what I mean? Like, you know, my kids, like the younger one, he's ready to go and spread his wings. And it's like, I'm like, no, I'm coming back. But the thing is, I have to, what I have to say to myself is, I've already put in him what he needs for success. Now he has to go out and manifest that success for himself. And I have to be okay with that. And you have to believe that you did the best damn job that you could have done. And you taught him, and then guess what? If he makes those mistakes and he makes bad choices in his life, it's, and this is hard, because I get it, like saying, oh my God, if they screw up, that's a reflection of me. I must have done something wrong. Then we blame ourselves. We must have done something wrong. But if you could really say to yourself, like, I put my heart into this kid, these kids, and I'm doing the best that I can. I made some mistakes along the way, but at the end of the day, they know that I did my best and that I tried to We have to be OK with it. Well, and again, flip side of that, because, you know, we're talking about how do we change it? One, again, I'm always you have to educate because you cannot change what you don't understand. And when I tell my students, I said, here's the thing. When we, like if we were going to get a job, we had to literally go to the job. We had to fill out an application. We had to go talk to people. We're selling Girl Scout cookies. We went door to door. So we were comfortable with people. Everything is third person now. Everything is behind everything. And so it's like, you know, and even, I mean, we work with people that's what, and I told him just yesterday, we're doing psychosocial development. And I said, you know, here's the thing, anybody that works in any type of, you know, career that is human based nurses, doctors, you know, firefighters, whatever, healthcare, education, you gotta be, you gotta understand people you do. And, and even with that, we're seeing, in some of our careers where some of our professionals are Yep, absolutely do. Absolutely. And I think to another thing that I know I'm seeing a pattern is the ones that are trying to step out into the world, and they don't know what direction to go. And saying to them that's okay instead of a parent saying well do this try this you need to go this way you need to do this and they're just like oh i don't even know what to do because the whole year holding in the back of their head their whole life you've done everything for them so how do you expect them to be 17 18 and say I know what I want to be when I grow up. I know what career I'm going to want. I know I'm going to do this." Like, no, because you have been doing that for them their whole life instead of fostering. And I think that's what we need to do. Yeah, we need to foster their curiosity. Foster them and say, oh, you like that. You know what? Have you thought about looking into that a little bit more and seeing what path they're good at. praising them when you see them do things that are like completely out of character, like, you know, okay, no parent wants their kid to be like an artist, right? Because that doesn't make money. And they're so hyper focused on that. You're like a really good artist, like, well, and then the kid goes, well, that's not going to make me money. We said that. Well, what else can you do with art? Why don't you brainstorm? I'll help you brainstorm. You know, like there's so many things you could teach, you could do other things that are like have to do with art. And so that's another thing that I'm seeing a lot of these very successful parents doctors, attorneys that have gone to school, they grind, they grind it out. And they're wanting their kids to do the same and follow on footsteps. So I get that too. And it's one of those things where not every kid is made for school, not every kid wants to do that they have other desires, you You got to let them find themselves. Yeah, you know. And also, there's, you know, something I've always said, you know, like, there's rescuing, and then there's helping. And that's the thing. It's like, and again, I told my parents, I said, here's the thing, we all have to be rescued at some point in time, at some point in time, we are drowning in the ocean, we need to be rescued. Great. You're doing 90% of the work, you're getting them in. But if they keep going in the ocean, You know that they know how to swim, but you're feeling uncomfortable. So you keep rescuing. You can't be mad because they keep throwing themselves in the ocean. I said, because here's the thing, help is 50%. I literally used to tell my students all the time, here's your toilet paper. Wipe Yep. I literally can't. I've given you the tools. Now it's time to go And it's like, you know, again, you smell, you whatever. Well, nobody will have you wiped your ass. And they all laugh at me. I'm like, I don't know how else to make it as funny as that, you know? And again, what do we always say? You can't do more work than them. Right, right. And when they're upset, so But that's when you say, and then I see sometimes where parents, they think that their kids should already have it all figured out. And sometimes they don't. They learn it along the way. They don't always have to have it all figured Absolutely. And I think, like I said, I see that a lot, usually from highly really educated individuals, doctors and stuff. And they're like, well, my kids, you're either going to be a doctor or a lawyer. Those are two options. And it's like, Well, hold on mom, like, you know, and for me too, like I have two, two very different children. My son is all me. He loves school, loves learning. He eats it up. He wants to do some great things in this world. Great. I support him in that. I love that about him. My daughter, all about sports. We all know my daughter and she is fun. She wants to travel the world and she doesn't know what she wants to do yet. So guess what? She's not going off into the world yet. Like just because she doesn't know and that's okay. I'm giving her some time. No, she's not socially and emotionally ready. You got to know that too. You got to know when your child is ready for that type of environment or Now my job now now I'm like going back because obviously my son is older so he was ready to go. He was like, Mom, let's go like colleges, blah, blah, blah, you know, senior year you he knew he was off. Her now graduating, I'm having the upset. So now I'm thinking, what do I need to do? And this is where I check myself. Okay, what do I need to do to make sure if I'm giving her another year, what do I need to do to make sure she has confidence that she can go out in the world and do this? So now I'm like, Anaya, you're almost out of your medication. You better call the pharmacy. And I'm telling her, you feel you have an ear infection? Urgent care is down the street. And I'm telling her this stuff and I'm making her do it and it's pushing her. Yes. If she's going to end up on our couch now, girl, we got you. She's uncomfortable with it, and I'm like, too bad. And you But it's hard for me because yes, I want to help her. I want to help my child, but I know that's not going to be good for her. I'm trying to teach her, you got this. You're good. People love you. You just speak up. And so letting pushing that on her of just those little things in this next year, that's where I got to do my part, because then she needs to be ready. Right, right. But that's causing her to grow. Yeah, exactly. And when she's uncomfortable, that's good. You're Well, and and even with some of our own people, they literally have told me they're like, Dr. Robin, I don't have anybody to talk to about this. And and that's the thing. Like I was talking with somebody the other day and they were talking about success. And I go, hold on, I go, define success. Because I want to know what their success is. I said, because and that's the one thing that I always do with my young people is, you know, I want to, I want them to start saying things because, you know, a lot of times when we're in it, we don't even know what's going on in our head. And so I'm like, doing all this stuff. And, you know, and then I was like, okay, so we're going back over here. Did you even realize what you just said? And everyone, wait, what about what? Like, did I what? Huh? I was like, Oh, yeah. Well, clearly, I'll have your last statements were over here. So maybe we ought to start looking over here. And that's what I'm saying. It's like, there is, there has been a lot of disservice and there has been a lot of things. And especially, like I said, our teenagers, young teenagers that when COVID hit, and I tell them all the time, I said, you know, it was really tough. I said, teachers didn't know what to do. Parents didn't know what to do. Nobody really knew what to do, but we had to educate you guys. I said, you had to get an education. And I said, It was just so all over the place, but I told my young babies, that's the biggest thing. I say, y'all right now, because your package statement pulls out, you've had to go, wait a minute. Okay, well, hold on. Well, I don't know. Ask your mom. Mom doesn't know. Dad doesn't know. Teacher doesn't know. Whatever. So strong and I like that you brought up the definition of success because that I've said that to all of the kids even my stepchildren like your definition of success will be different from your siblings definition so like my son's definition of success is you know being this amazing you know psychologist and being following his mom's footsteps that is definition my daughter's definition of success she's like I just want to be a mom in a and a wife one day and we And that's one thing too. It's like, that's her definition of success, like a good family and raising kids. Okay, that's great. You know, I just the big thing in her is like, I really like this is probably a me thing. I really want to foster independence. But where did that come from? That's where I have to check myself. I want to foster independence because I know what it's like to be codependent, and I don't, and it was very uncomfortable for me. But at the same time I grew from that, and that made me push on the complete opposite spectrum to where I'm very hyper independent now, complete opposite. that all that stuff has helped me be where I am today. And so I know that every step that these children are, are taking our kids, everyone, Well, and I think too, it's just, again, a lot of people, depending on, you know, introverts, extroverts, everybody's got this, even some of our 20 ish is because I, you know, work with some of them too. And They go into that whole, well, when I pulled it up on Google, it said this. And when I did that, they said that, okay, if you go here, don't do that. Maybe dress like that. And I go, stop. Hold on. Human factor. You're the product. You are the product. You're the product. You're the product. I'm the product. As we say in sports, anybody can kick a ball this time. Anybody can do a cartwheel this time. You're the product. Use it as a guide. But I think so because a lot of people did, they didn't have anybody really working with them. So they have turned to AI. I've literally had somebody say, yeah, my new therapist is GPT. But again, if that is a starting point, if that is a tool, but it's like some people just because they haven't had to you know they've got this learned helplessness right and and if that's a start that's a start i mean i'm not gonna say it's not a good thing i mean but i'm like that's just that you can't it's you can't base your life on that that's a piece of it it's just a part and that's what i think is that you know because the dehumanization has happened and the data this and driven and then what about this one about that the statistical and i'm like These are our babies, you're humans, y'all are humans. You have to bring that in, you know? And I think we are getting back to that. And I'm like, you have to put yourself in experiential situations. Have the flushed face, feel nervous in the car, like you want to throw up. Did you? But did you die? But did you die? But did you die? That's right. And if you get stuck, just it unstuck you know and so and that's why i do what i do with my students in class because a lot of them have never been done an interview so i'm making they present in my class they do this and you know i'm very interactive with them i said because i have them have social anxiety also because they who present with social anxiety because, you know. COVID, it happened. And now they don't interact with their friends and they don't. And we've done, we've watched YouTube in my room. We've done like role play in my room. If I was, you know, a lot of my teens will ask or will say, I don't know how to start a conversation when I meet or even know what to say when I'm meeting other friends. You know, so yeah, you're And this is where to like when we think about like to check our parents check us as a parent to is in that young adult time to is. What kind of relationship do we want to have with our kids as a young adult, as an adult? So I feel like sometimes when these, some kids are very independent and they are trying to spread their wings and fly and go off, they want to hurry up and go off to college. I've actually heard from parents now say, my kid's not going off to college. If they're going to, to Tallahassee. I'm going to Tallahassee too. I'm moving. I'm moving myself. I can't be without my kids. I literally had parents tell me that. They are not going far. They're not going to Georgia. They're not going anywhere else. I'm just like, whoa, whoa, whoa. They're trying to get away from you. What does that tell you? I mean, if you think about it, what does that tell you? They want to be away from you. So let them. Right, because what that's going to do is it's going to first of all, it may hurt a little bit that they're like, I need to get out of here I want to go on the opposite end of the country. If you allow them to do that, they will first of all appreciate that you supported them. to do that. Second of all you more because you are you're gonna be able to s that you put in because t do great things and be i you when they need to know and dryer in their apartm all that stuff. So it's do you want to help with So why don't we, you kno vulnerable with our teens You know what, you're 17 now, you're going to graduate. What can I do better as a parent? What can I do to help you at this point? What do you want from me? And maybe we should do that, you know, like every couple of years when they're growing and going into different stages, middle school, high school, they're going through all these different changes. It's asking them, I've done that. I did that with my kids. And I'm like, Hey, what, what could I do better? you know, I want to know, what can I do better as a parent? What do you need from me more than I'm not giving you? And I think it kind of opens their eyes a little bit of like, dang, and I was just going through my phone looking because it's our five year anniversary. and memories. And I was looking at some pictures and I for some reason had this old picture back in 2020. And it was a really mean text for my son that he hated me. He never wanted to talk to me again. And I don't even know what happened. I must have did something to embarrass him. Who knows? But all I know is I looked at that, I laughed, but I saved it at that time because I was probably heartbroken. I imagine like, Oh my God, my son hates me. But at the same time, I look at that now and I'm like, Oh my God, my, my son's about to be 20 years old. And he calls me every day from his three hours away. And you know, he called me this morning and he calls me all the time and he talks to me all the time. And I'm like, that's okay. He, he, he hated me at one point. That's okay. But look at. where we are now. Like five years later, like I have a great relationship with my adult son, but he's pulled me through the ringer. But at the same time, all Yes, there is hope. I think right now my son hates me too. And that's okay. And I say that to parents all the time. If they hate you a little bit, that's okay. They're going to hate you sometimes. Sometimes my favorite thing with him is he'll say, I'm not that parent. I feel like my parents will say, oh, do this, and I'll think about what you're doing. But at the same time, they're learning balance or finding that balance. They'll do things or allowing them to do things without you controlling being the lawnmower or the helicopter, right? I mean, it's true. And we, I think all three of us know, and most parents, most good parents out there, we've all done one of those things. So it's not like I'm completely not guilty of it, or you guys, like, we've all done it. It's just- That's why we're good therapists, because we've all done it. Well, and we have to check, we check ourselves. We hold ourselves accountable. Every day, absolutely. Right? I mean, I'm like, damn, I made that mistake. Or like, even Anaya, like, although she had one thing with her, is that she will tell me, when she's yeah she will tell me if I did something to hurt her feelings or I said no to something she will tell me she'll be like mom she was just so you know I did not appreciate you know you didn't have to yell at me to do this or that or you know and I'm just like oh you know what I actually was if I think about it I was mad about something else it's just I took it out on you I'm sorry and we can apologize to our children and I Well, and you know, I just realized she's come so far. Oh, yeah, that little sweet baby now that she is advocating to stand up for so I mean, that's the thing. It's like cuz Reagan to you know, very soft. They're very smart. I was like, hey, that's yeah. He told me about myself. Yeah. So apologize to our team. Like, you know, they they're human. You know, and they, when we have messed up, we have to let them know that, that we've messed up because they see the hearing side of us and then they're able to, you know, adopt that same principle. They're able to apologize, be held accountable, be responsible. You know, I'll say it to him like, hey, I know I messed up. And I apologize. But Yep. And that's, yeah, that's it. And that's it. And like, that helps, I think us. And I know that every parent and that's why I say like asking these parents, what kind of relationship do you want? Well, I want a great relationship with my son or daughter, of course. Okay, well, Is that looking like that right now? No, your child is in here like screaming. Yeah, leave me alone. I need to do this and this and this. And you're saying no, no, no, no. They're asking for that because they think about the relationship after that. So and I see that once that moves past that point, they can actually start. Absolutely. And you know, I'll say this too, because you made me think about this as you were talking, I have older girls, older daughters, they're in their 30s. And you're right about that when you because you know, they got the worst part of me when they're older, but the relationship that we have now, like the bond that we have, and they're like, Mom, you are a great parent. And I will always tell my oldest, I go, because she's the only one with grandkids, I'm like, you are an excellent parent. And she goes, I learned from you. So you do have to let them spread their wings. And you know, I mean, I would like to say that I'm best friends with my girls, even though I know they have best friends, but there's boundaries and there's separation and you have to know where you fit in with your adult children. So like you said, if you want a great relationship with them when they do become adults, you have to give them that autonomy to move the way they want and you not always put your hands in and try Yeah. But even with because I mean, you guys know and I know that you're single mom for a little bit, too. I mean, but I've been a single mom like Reagan is 22 and, you know, three and also being a teacher and so and being a coach, I've been mom to a lot of kids, you know, a lot of kids. And, but I think that because my foundation was always about them, it was always, I knew that I was a teacher that could come to, I knew they were the coach, my coaches, we know, I mean, they helped raise me and But I never sugarcoated it, you know, and I said that this is what it is and this is what it is and you're still going to respect your parents because that's who you are. It doesn't matter over here. But I was also, you know, like, I'm going to be tough on you because I get one shot to do this. One shot to do this. Talk about me when you get home. You don't have to like me. And I'll say, what if he doesn't like me? I'll say, good, maybe he shouldn't, because I wouldn't like me either. And I used to tell Reagan all the time, I said, listen, I know what's hard to be my child. I am so driven. I am so, like you said, hyper-independent, a lot of energy. I do a lot of things, very accomplished. And it was always like, oh, yeah, you're Coach's son, or you're whatever. And I'm always like, no, I'm Reagan's mom. But I mean, even to the other kids. But on the flip side of that, because I'm raising boys, You know, even with that, I told him, I said, listen, I said, as young men, I said, you're always going to get shorter than the stick. If it comes down to anything, you know, if it's anything with a girl or anything around the show, I said, you got to make sure you know how to shake a hand. There's a lot of pressure put on you. And so, you know, but it was also, but also use me if you're ever in a situation and you don't know what to say, my mom won't let me, coach won't let me. Put it on me. I sell people that now too. I said, my therapist won't let me do that. If you don't know what to do, use me, use me because that is where my strength comes in. We can talk about it later, but if anything else, I want to be your rock, you know, because to me, you don't have the foundation. It doesn't matter what you build on, you know? And I think that's the thing is that when parents get there and they're like, well, but I've given him this and he's doing that, or this happened and I'm like, okay, Okay, and it might happen again, because guess what? And I tell my high schoolers and everything too, I was like, yeah, that was stupid. What's gonna be the next stupid thing you do? Because there's gonna be another one, because this Absolutely. Well, I just don't understand. Well, I Shake it up. But I'm like, you got to give yourself grace. You you know, and it's your the discomfort, embrace t uncomfortable doing someth appointment that you have and pharmacy run and and and doing all that and dea It's not going to be the first time. It's not going to be the last time. And so you're going to have to experience it again. And that's just about life in general. And I think that's where this coddling culture Yes, so it is because I mean, I'm seeing it so much. And I know, I don't only see it in my practice with these young kids, I see it out there too, you know, with other, you know, friends, you know, kids or, you know, and I as teammates and parents and I've seen it before. And it's just like, man, like, these kids need to learn some basic life skills. And, and even as, and I tell people this too, as even as educated as I am, I still do not believe that education is the end all be all. Because I've learned a lot of things in school, but I think I've learned more in my real life than anything else. And I think that you can do that so much now. So, and we're not teaching that enough. We're teaching you just like, you know, school and education and stuff, but it really needs to be us coming from home and teaching them those life skills. And So, and we enjoy doing that. And sometimes we don't, but it doesn't matter because, and it's funny cause my clients will tell you and they'll come back with things. They're like, yeah, Dr. Robin, it's the stairs. Remember it's the stairs. And I'm like, that's the rain stair, it was stairs. Cause that's what I say. I always do the stair step principle. Learn, learn, learn. apply apply apply i said we can learn everything and all of a sudden you're like oh my god it didn't work it didn't work what was something But it was, that's your experience. You have to, if there's no application, it's never going to make sense. And that's the thing sometimes, but I'm doing this and that. Okay. But you did this, you got a, B and C, but you know, I think they're so afraid of failure that they're afraid to try. And you know, even when my sports side babies gave her my summon, I said, bring it back when you're done. And it says never truly fail until you stop trying. It It never comes back. But that was the thing, you know, and especially with athletes. But what if I go, but what if you don't? If it's fear? I said, no, no, no, no. I said, you go, when? I said, don't ever, if, if, if, when, when this happens, I will handle it. The best way that I know how right now. If that happens too. But if it's fear. Language. Oh, I'm always big in language. Dr. Van Treece, big shout out to you. You taught us language. Because I listen all the time, I go, yeah, for sure. but Oh yeah, we definitely can. And that's one thing too is, like you said, with like athletes and stuff, like if I lose or if I don't do good on this test, it's gonna cause this chaos. It's like, I always tell even adults at any age or young adults, I say, can you think of a time when you failed and you felt like it could have been a test, it could have been anything, you didn't get into a team. And they'll tell me a time and I'm like, what happened after that? Well, you know, I was sad or I got upset and blah, blah, blah. It took me, you know, a couple of weeks to get over it, but you got over it. You're sitting here today. How much great, how many great things did you do since then? I mean, accomplished a lot. Okay. So it's just about like finding that going backwards and saying I've come from some really shitty circumstances or I've come from some big mistakes and failures and I kind That's come out of it. So you've already proven it to yourself. I've not proven it to you. You, you're saying it. So that's one thing is to to remind them that you will fail, and you're going to fail again at something, and then you will come out Absolutely. The failure is part of the process. I mean, and again, I'm like, Define fail, like what does that even mean to you? Because it's like they go, oh, but it's the end all be all, but I'm like, it's not. You cannot, even as athletes, I said, if you are going into anything afraid to fail, You will. You will. Because you're operating from fear. Based on fear. And that's the thing. So that's what you're going to get. But that is the same thing what I'm saying about these parents. We, 99% of it is coming from fear. We are overcompensating because we fear we are trying to pave the way or be a helicopter parent because we're scared of something and that's where we have to tell ourselves what what am i scared of i'm scared they're gonna end up in jail okay so so you're thinking you're gonna do x y and z to prevent that no, that's not going to work, you know, like things like that. So most of it is based from fear. And we can't, like you said, we can't operate based off fear. We have to like kind of step back from our emotions. This is like where I always say the wise mind, we are like, you know, the wise minds in the middle. So I've said this before the left side, if you look at like the little circles, it's like the right side is okay, emotion based, I'm thinking and making a decision based on my emotion, how I feel, okay, that's good. The other side is based on logic, rationale. And then there's this little part in the middle, and it combines the both of them. Think about your logic a little bit, think about the rationale, but also taking care of some feelings, but there's somewhere in the middle. And that's the white line. And so that's why I tell people like you need to operate from there. It's okay to be a little bit emotional, you want some of that too, you want to be human, right? But we also So well, and again, you talk to them, they go, Oh, yeah, the readiness factor, I go, Maybe it wasn't failure. Maybe you were not ready. Maybe you just weren't That's what I say too. I said a lot of it too. I said, if you, whatever your higher power is or your universe or where you bow down to trees, I don't know, but maybe somebody or something was protecting you. Maybe it was a situation that you were going to go in and because you weren't ready, there was going to be so much more and it was not your time. It doesn't mean you have to hate that And even that just made me think too, because of this whole five-year thing, I was looking back on five years of where I was, I was working for this agency, this facility that I thought I was going to grow in. I thought that's where I was going to end up and I'm just going to keep climbing the corporate ladder with them. And I kept getting roadblock and promise things and it wasn't happening. And that's when COVID hit and I'm like, I guess I'm going to have to be on my own and do this on my own and open up my own place. And like I said last time, it wasn't in my plans to do that. But I was meant not to have that higher position at the facility I was at. Because clearly, if I would have done that, I would have kept going with them. I would have never had Bellarmine's Hall. So it wasn't meant for me. And even though at that time I was really upset, I was like, oh, I'm a failure, or I'm not good enough to be in this higher role. But clearly, that wasn't the case. It was because, you know, do you believe in God? I do. It's like God knew there was something better for me out there. So Well, and again, it's so funny, because, y'all know, I mean, we're all faith. I'm so faith based, especially. And that was the thing. It's like when I made the big decisions that I did, because even as a little kid, and I was just like, I was like, I just put where I'm supposed to be. That was really the only prayer even there, just where I'm supposed to be, you know, because There was so much and I was like, really? Really? Come on, God. This is where I was supposed to be? Lord! No. And, um, and I spent four years in place and, you know, a lot of, a lot of trials, but some wonderful people. And this beautiful, beautiful lady I worked with, and she's like, coach, she goes, this is your training ground. And even then I was like, why is this your training ground? And I never got it. I didn't understand. And it was funny. I was thinking about it the other day. Cause I always say, you know, champions are running the off season and we talk about 24 and we're like, Oh, we were training. And I always think, Wow. Yeah. I was doing a lot of training back then because I wasn't ready. But you have to be prepared to be ready. And that's in preparation. And sometimes you don't, but sometimes you're just thrown in And I mean, even you, where you come from, the education, I know that you weren't planning to be like necessarily in private practice. Like this No. I even shared it with her and I'm like, and here I am because God And this and like I've told you, since you became, you know, in a leadership position, it's like this is made for you, like you are made for like something like this, you have the personality, you have the grace, you have like, you know, everything about it. So this was made for you. So and all the lives you touch like all your all I get we get all the reviews and everything. TJ is amazing. I mean, like, so you're doing good stuff at I'm definitely where you're meant to be. I'm definitely where I want to be and where I need to be. Yep. And it's and it's only getting better. Like every day. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. Well, and shout out to our lady boss, because again, had you not, I mean, that's where I'm always just like, I always think God's plan is, you know, he's got it figured out way before we do. And, but a lot of times, and that's the thing, it's like, okay, It's always been there, but again, I wasn't ready to step into it. I had no idea. I was way back, you know, in education, doctorate in education. So then that, but I was always like, well, one thing I didn't finish for my clinical hours, you know, had no idea of anything coming on here interview, you know, and I'm thinking like, I love it. She was beautiful. I was like, wow. Okay. And came down and, oh, wow, she's different, you know? And then she's probably like, wow, she's really different. But it was funny, and it really comes down to. your sweet husband, Brian, love you. Um, and it was funny cause there was something that had happened. I can't remember what it was. It was at the old office. And you know, I had come from crisis center before I came here. So, so whatever. And I'm strong personality, but there was just something, I mean, we were just, okay, you do this. I'm just handling it, just handling it. And I didn't think anything about it. And you weren't there because we were, you know, you couldn't be there a lot because we were growing, we were sharing offices. And I remember you came in and gosh, it was a while later. And I think you were talking to somebody else and you're like, yeah, my husband was like, like, tell you about old Robin, tell you about Robin, like, she's silly and she's crazy. But that girl just, she, wow, I was just so impressed. And I was like, Like, it just made me and little stuff like that, because, you know, so many times, like when you're not in the right place, or you don't, you know, when you're just like, Oh, what am I? What is my price? And that is the best thing is that I mean, you let me moonwalk down the side, you know, carpool out here. And then, you know, but even with that, you letting me be me. the first email with TJ and I already was like, oh, I'm gonna love her. And the first time I met her and I went right to you and I said, that's a leader, you know? And so I'm always telling my, you know, my babs, badass bitches, what? And I said, iron sharpens iron, you know? And that's exactly what it is. Your strength, my strength, your strength, we are strong in different areas. but especially being females and just empowering each other and absolutely no animosity, jealousy, you I mean, you know, you sit down because No, but really, I am. I am so, so, so appreciative because it Look at all our failures. Look at all our, you know, trials and tribulations. And that's what it is. And we're all, well, I'm in my forties. You both are in your fifties. I'm the middle child. Like I really am Oh, I'm not the baby. You know what? I Actually, you know what? I can see that. But I'm a little older, I'm baby here, too She is it is funny because that's even do you remember that too? You had just got hold on leadership team It was like, yeah, listen, listen, and you were just like No, ma'am. No, ma'am. This is what's gonna happen. This is what's gonna do We just like took over and it was so funny because I I had never done that, but I mean, it was just there. And you were just kind of like, well, I kind of thought that, you know, and it was funny. And I will tell you, that was, I think the first time I saw you in a different light, you know, because we are very much like, we're doing this, we're doing that. And we were so busy and you're kind of just, and then we bring in the trifecta, you know, this one, but then because our dynamic is so different and we're so much about protecting you and this happened and she wouldn't, I told you about it. She told me, and then I told you, I was like, no. And then all of a sudden we were like three white couple and you were just kind of like, Um, and we're like, No, ma'am. No, no, uh, huh. That listen, this is what we're gonna do. And this is and you're like, well, I thought, you know, and then one of the song, one of the younger clinicians said something like, Yeah, you know, like, yeah, boy, Robin and TJ boy, they're learning how to be tough from I mean, and that's the thing is like, I'm all about like, You know, although I'm like the owner of the company and like the leader and stuff like that doesn't mean I know everything. That doesn't mean that like I can do everything. That's why you two are my right hand women. So I mean, it is what it is. So I appreciate each other all the time. And I like to be held accountable like and if I'm messing up or making a bad decision and stuff like I want huh? Okay. Well, I mean, I'd like to be held accountable, you know, in a sense. I mean, it is what it is. And I think all these, you know, all these things are strengths and everything that we've done, you know, in our lives has brought us to where we are today. And we have to then triple over and give that to our next generation of kids. 40s and 50s here now, but in our 20s as well and 30s we made a shit ton of mistakes. I mean, and we learned and so we have to believe in our younger generation that they're going to, they're going to be okay so if we could say anything to these parents out there is. do first of all know that being protective or you parent is to think about coming from a place of fe going to be, you know, a g the future or are you hin What kind of relationship children, your adult Chi That's kind of what this was about today. Right, right. Exactly. And ask them. Yeah, you go seek help too. Parents don't like everything. We don't listen. I mean, truthful therapy. And that's the thing. And even with my students or my kids or whoever, and I said, listen, your parents are, you have no idea what your parents are going through right now. And so I give it on both sides. It was just like, it's on both sides. I said, we have to look at each other as, you know, autonomous psychological beings. It's just a mom, it's just a daddy, it's just a auntie and a grandma and a child and everybody's got their, you know, and give each other some Absolutely. And be vulnerable and be humble enough to say, I'm wrong, as a parent, and listen to your children. Like, we need to listen. And as long as you're doing it in a respectful way, and I'm not saying any of you teens out there, young adults, is like to go curse out your parents. No, like, but have a genuine conversation with them of what you need from them. And if you are the parent, ask your teens and your young adult children, what do you need from me at And listen, listen. You know, that's one of the things, you know, that I share with my parents. Listen. sometimes they don't want your advice. Correct. And then you can ask, would you like my advice? Or And one of the things I do with my couples even, I said, you know, because if they were talking communication, you go, okay, am I listening or am I problem solving? What's my role? And that's the thing, because even with, I know some parents say that, I just consume and they just unload and stuff like that and they just drive me crazy and I'm like, okay, well, let me just say this. Am I listening to just let you vent or do you want me to help problem solve? Because that's two totally different things. And most of the time they just want to sit there because they think they figured it out, you know, so they just want you to listen. And Right. And then if we go into the rescue mode too quickly, that is again, not giving, not empowering them to make a decision based on what happened, you know, and I'm, I'm, I'm guilty of that even to this day. Like my, my daughter comes home and she's like bawling from something that happened either at school or cheer or something like that. And I'm listening to her and I'm problem solving, right. Therapy mode. I put on my therapy hat. Sometimes I gotta take that therapy app off and put on my parenting cap and be like, great, honey, how does that feel? Like, what do you think you wanna do about it? Like, yeah, what do you, you know, what do you think you wanna do about that? Or do you just wanna like, you're dismissing to me? And so sometimes I do that and I have to check myself like, okay, now let's take off your therapy hat. I'm not in a therapy, I'm just listening to my kid. And Absolutely. And then the last little part is even with that and I go, you know what? I'm really glad that you're upset about this. because that shows you how much it means to you. But you gotta figure out, is what's happening, whatever's happening, is that worth your peace? That's All right, well, that was a segue. So thank you all for listening. And we will be rolling these out every week now. So we are looking forward to some guest speakers on the next one. We have a calendar out. So hopefully you'll get to hear from some other other people. So