Why Your Teen Doesn’t Trust You | Therapists Unhinged Ep. 5

In this episode of "Therapists Unhinged", we dive deep into the unique struggles and challenges that today's teenagers face, especially in the context of social media and its impact on their self-image and mental health. We discuss how teens are navigating a world vastly different from the one we grew up in, highlighting the pressures of comparison and the influence of online personas.

We also celebrate our "lady boss" on her birthday and share some personal anecdotes, including my own struggles and the relatable challenges of parenting. The conversation shifts to the importance of understanding our teens, emphasizing the need for active listening and creating a safe space for them to express themselves.

We touch on the disconnect between parents and teens, particularly in how teens often feel they can't talk to their parents about their feelings or experiences. The episode highlights the importance of teaching responsibility and life skills, such as budgeting and time management, through part-time jobs, which can help build their self-esteem and prepare them for adulthood.

Throughout the discussion, we stress the importance of healing and self-awareness for parents, as their own experiences and emotional states can significantly impact their children. We conclude by reinforcing the idea that setting a strong foundation at home is crucial for our teens' success, and that even in challenging circumstances, having one stable, supportive adult can make all the difference in a child's life.

Join us as we explore these vital topics and share insights on how we can better support our teens in today's complex world.

Transcript

0:00

I've had so many of my teenagers go, no one talks to you like you do. I don't have anybody to talk to about this, but we have to talk about it. Y'all have to understand how to navigate this. Be who you are, but you gotta learn. If parenting came with a handbook, I'll tell you to look on page 74. Yeah, exactly. Oh, go to page 101. It's highlighted. It's on the table of contents. It's right there. It's not. So know your kid. Spend that time, as you said, listening more. And Welcome to episode five of There's Kids Unhinged. So today we are talking all about you teens, which means all the struggles, challenges, and then also the good stuff too, of what you guys have. So yeah, we wanted to definitely talk about this, have this topic because let's face it, teens today are not the same when we were teens. both good you know they have a lot of great things. Sure they do. But at the same time Can we just start off a little bit of struggle here because First of all, we got to get a shout out to the lady boss. Happy birthday to you. Thank you. Yes. Oh, our lovely lady boss having a birthday. Thank you. Um, but yeah, speaking of struggles, once I would check out the shirt, I did not know who this girl was until like a week ago. And then, um, I did find out Reagan was like, Mom, that's like your spirit girl. And he showed me the Beth of Beth. Beth Dutton. Beth Dutton. Yellowstone. Yellowstone. The girl, ooh, y'all, y'all. And we having a whole issue happening on the face. So we're having a little struggle this week. So I figured the shirt Sort of sweet, sort of Beth Dutton. So you know that reference. You That means I'm a fighter. Um, I fight nice though, but I do look like I've been in a fight. So you not only have been on the struggle bus, you look like you got ran over by it. And all 18 wheels are hitting me. All 18 wheels are hitting me. It'll be a real raw, raw and relatable. Yep. So we are shifting gears on this bus. And I think it's shifting. Oh, I got another shout out. Got another shout out. Got an unhidden shout out to EOS. Oh, see, I can't even see. Well, I thought it was cute that it was on there, but. No. Oh, well. EOS, because we're unhinged. So we're going to unhinged as Savage George. I do apologize. Shout out to George. Shout out to George and all the crew. EOS, we So opening up, I mean, thinking about what they have to deal with today. I mean, this social media, to me, is one of the major factors of what teens have to struggle with nowadays, which is, you know, everything is put online. And that can be really harmful because not only are our teens looking at people that, you know, maybe their age or even a little bit older, they're looking up to a lot of people that are on social media. They also compare themselves to what other people have or don't have. There's this big thing now I've seen my own daughter do with the hauls, which is what they do is when they buy or they get a gift from somebody like a Easter basket or Christmas, they do these things called hauls. And they're showing everything that they get from gifts. like so here's this basket that I got and like you know these kids are comparing what they got compared to what their friend got or oh my parent must not love me as much or you know that person is so rich because they got all this stuff and like this this is going down it just continues to go spiral and get down a rabbit hole well the struggle here out of here you all know I teach teens still you know always thought of high school teaching college you know, we talk about it, we talk about everything. And the problem is, and this is why I tell them, because of course, if we go, got to get into the playbook, the professor's playbook, the psychosocial development, COVID, COVID. And so you've got these 18, 19 year old, COVID hit at 14, 15. That's when you have that like major, you know, middle school, successful middle school, everybody's all over the place. And then it just stopped. And then it just stopped. And then you've got legalism, because, you know, legalism is, here's the laws, but nobody tells you how to do it. Parents backed off, teachers backed off, everybody backed off, kids are, gotta learn, gotta learn, gotta be educated. What do we do? And so if anybody was in any type of vulnerable state, it just, I mean, it exacerbated it. And so now you've got teams that do not even know how to, like, speak to each other. They don't know how to conversate, you know, person to person, and everything is on screen. And so even with that, they're living very third person. And so it's like, you know, kind of like we talked a little bit last time about getting jobs or even doing that or having them to do things, right? They don't know how, right? It's like they literally don't know how and they were kind of missed because it was like, we just gotta make sure that they're doing their school and you know, so these poor babies thinking they're supposed to know this stuff. And I'm like, so I, I feel like what I've done a lot like and coach you whenever like i'd have somebody have a mentor whatever i get over them going back to basics so i've literally taken a lot of these teenagers at the college stuff and i started them just differently weaned it in. They didn't really know, but I had to like do some basic work. It's almost like rebuilding the foundation. Right. Right. Because the way it has been formed, it's like there's a lot of cracks in it. So you have to go back and rebuild the foundation as much as you can. So I always say it takes a village, especially the kids that we, the kind of kids that, you know, we have nowadays. And, you know, they have, it used to be peer pressure was like one of the biggest struggles. Now it's like you said, social media and body image. Like I hear a lot of body shaming, you know, from kids and it's like, well, if I'm not the thinnest, if I'm not prettiest, then I'm not worthy or, you know, no one sees me. And so they tend to take on the behavior in which, you know, people have assigned to them, so to speak. You know what I mean? Like they, right. Like their friends or enemies have labeled them. And so that's, that's like the, the way that they show up is how they're being labeled. Because they feel, okay, well, you know what? Or causation. If this, then that. If this, then that. Absolutely. If I'm this, then I'm bipolar. If I'm this, then I'm, you know, whatever. If I'm this, and so we talk about that too. And you all know mental health is not causation. It's not if this, then that. Because again, human experience. And I'm like, your experience is going to be different than yours. And I said, guess what? You're not going to be the prettiest. You're Right. And then just think about how social media is not only impacting them, but also how social media, they gravitate so much, they hold that up in a pedestal. everything that they see on tiktok on instagram on whatever that is like the end all be all well i read this on instagram or i diagnosed myself because of this on instagram yes and i'm just like you know like it's it can be such a great tool like i like social media for like the positive but of course that comes with the negative and i feel that that a lot of our teens are just holding it in such a high high value and that that's just really kind of messing I think with our heads, I Absolutely. I had a client just the other day, we were talking about, we were talking about like, they wanted, they self-diagnosed. It's almost like they want to wear the label of autistic or, because I, my team just asked me the other day, and of course, other teams have asked me too, do you think that I have more of a spectrum? And it's like, they want something so So it can fit them into that certain category and they can say, they can now have that be their identity because they're looking, which teens are automatically, they're discovering who they are. They don't know who they are. So they're just looking for anything to give them that, I guess, that Or to support the fact that people have called them weird or nerds or you don't fit. So they're trying, you know, they're like misfit. It's almost like they want to be labeled a misfit or they, so they think, you know, they want to be labeled a misfit and then that'll, you Got to piggyback. Yesterday in class, I said, I said, we were doing a growing older interviews and presentations, everything. I said, but wait, I said, we got, I got to ask you something because it came up a few times this last week. And I said, when we were in school, And we're the same age, whatever I said, but if somebody, I said, nobody really talked about like anything. It just, we didn't, it wasn't in your family or you didn't go to church or it wasn't, nobody knew, you know? And it wasn't like we go, oh, they're gay or, oh, they're a mixed couple or, oh, we just didn't, or they're Pentecostal and they're Catholic. We didn't talk about it. They always said, don't put your business on the streets. So on the flip side, it's like, oh, everybody talks about everything. Everybody's good. Everybody, oh, you're gay, you're straight, you're purple, you're green. But they keep telling me, they go, it is worse. They said, we're the racist. We're the homophobes. We're the ones, they go, we talk about everybody. We are judged by everybody. So it's not that it is being accepted, because that's where I was kind of like, but aren't y'all open? Like, isn't this out? They go, well, they go, but we're horrible to each other. I go, why? What then? They said, it's worse. They said, it is terrible. Because I literally think like everybody goes, oh, yoga's are this. And I'm like, but we're not. Like, I don't care. They said, they, all the high schools, everything, they said, you can't be this here. You can't be that there. If you're, you know, and these are my students telling me this. And I'm just going, and They say in real life, it's almost worse, more clicky. Because I was kind of like, in middle school, yeah, you kind of get, especially in Yeah, I think it is the clicky, and it's more clicky down, you know, like, so they're, like you said, like, the misfits, they're over here, and the odd ones are the, and then everyone is judging everybody else. And no one can like, cross over. Like, I know, when I was in school, I was kind of friends with everybody, like the jocks, the Hispanics, the blacks, I was kind of friends with that little bit of everybody, and that was acceptable. But now, apparently it is very much more Yeah. If that, if then, if you hang with, you know, people of color, well, then you think you're that and you, or if you hang with people that are same sex, then you're right. Well, first of all, don't put my name in your mouth. Well, tell me what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. Why is that hurting you? And that's what I keep going to. Why are you so afraid? You know what the thing about it is, and that's a great question. Why is it hurting you? And, and it, The thing is, again, they want some sense of belonging, right? So I've seen it where you're willing to abandon a certain group of people because you don't want the people that, you don't want other people to know that you are hanging out with this group or you are a part of this group or you like this group. And So where do you think that comes from? Where do you think that, like that I just think that, you know, especially with teenagers, they are so concerned with what everybody thinks about them. Let me change that. They are so concerned with what their non-friends and friends are saying about them. Because I don't really think they care about what their parents are thinking about. Right. Because they are so concerned with their friends. Because I've even had teenagers tell me, and I was, I was a, you know, used to work at an elementary school as a social worker, school social worker. And I've had like fifth, sixth graders tell me, oh, my friend told me to just, you know, I should just go jump off a bridge and die. And it's like, are you going to do, like, I'm looking at them like, okay, if my friend told me that, I'd be like, no, why don't you go jump off a bridge and die first? But they, they, they hold that to heart. And they start to internalize it because what their And that slips off their tongue so, so easily too. It's like, why don't you go die? Like that's one thing that my daughter told me that like, she's heard so many times is that person just go die or just go jump all over. Like go do it. And I'm just like, wow. Like I don't ever But I'm telling you guys, because if we go into Eric Erickson's life with social development, That is where they learn and their biggest, their biggest is peers right then. Absolutely. Well they were shut down. They couldn't talk to anybody. They couldn't even just listen to their language. When they say my friend, I go friend. That's why I say my friend. I stop right there and I just go define friend. Please do. And I, because they don't, and I'm telling you, they don't know. They really don't. And that's the sad part is that they don't really know. I've had so many of my, my teenagers go, but Robin, nobody talks to you like you do. I don't have anybody to talk to about this because I don't want people to look at me. That's right. That's right. And I said, and there you go. I said, so I'm very, in my classes, I tell them all the time, and I said, we're in no judgment here. I said, but we have to talk about it. We have to talk about it. Y'all have to understand how to navigate this, you know, be who you are. But you But here's the thing, you're saying talk about it, talk about it to the right people, because if they're talking about it with just like their little click and their friends and stuff, either they're going to be given really negative or misguided information, or they're going to be taking everything that they say to heart, you know, and that's like the end all be all of what they think. So it's like, yes, talk about it. We need to have this these conversations, but we also need to make sure it's in Well, that's what I was going to go next. Remember where we have been, you know, saying we want to get into the school system. You guys know I'm education this summer, you know, I want to reach out to BPS or whoever, you know, because we're in Brevard, but so that we can have parent forums, we can have teacher forums, we can have student forums, you know, because there's so many things and there's so many this, well that and that. Have a protocol set in place. Absolutely. I tell the students all the time, I said, that is, you shouldn't even have to, you know, I appreciate that, but you know what you do? Okay, I'm gonna hear you and we're gonna walk over here and I'm gonna give you to somebody that can handle it. Right, because there's such a disconnect. Yes. There's such a disconnect between the school, the parent, the student. But also students, they're trying to do things that they're not equipped to actually do. And next thing you know, they're coming in and going, I can't handle this. And I go, why wouldn't you even be put in that position? But you know what? That's good point you just made too. Because there are a lot of teens that are taking on parental roles. They're having to be the parent in their house. So they can't be a kid. They can't hang out with friends. They can't be 12, 13 years old because they are being the parent. You know, and the parent is right there in the home, but they're still having to do it, especially if they have siblings, you know, younger siblings, they're doing it. And I know this because, you know, I've worked with teens who have said, hey, I have to get up and take care of my siblings. I have to do this and still get myself to school. I mean, sometimes, you know, cause I dealt with truancy in the schools and it's like, why aren't you in school? Well, nobody woke me up or, you know, or you don't have a way to get there. So there's a lot of different things or a lot of risk factors that are at play to where teams, they just can't be who they want to be because they're so busy okay, they're doing all this at 12, 13, up to whenever they're out of the house, how is that impacting them when they're older? Well, that can be really great and positive because it shows them how to be responsible early on. There are some good things about being that responsible, being an older sibling and taking care of things. you know but at the same time sometimes that can have an opposite effect which is all I ever did was take care of everybody else either they're gonna be like that again and want to take care of their spouse or whoever else or they're gonna be like you know what screw everybody else and I'm gonna go and party now now I'm gonna be great you know drinking and driving and doing all the stuff that all they didn't get to experience when they were younger so it really teens is such an influential time period you know and i always say like children can be like aliens from the age of like 11 12 to like 16 they're like different humans because they're like figuring it out their you know hormones they're figuring out who they want to be and getting influenced by all this stuff and then they kind of start to come back around when they're around 17 18 they start to be like human again i know then you're like oh you're my child i remember you Y'all pay attention because y'all heard that in class. Same thing. I literally have a graph and I showed it with one of my beautiful babies. She's brilliant, super, super smart, but would literally come in and be like, why am I being so ugly to my parents? Like what? I mean, we're talking, this girl is, I literally showed her a picture. I said, here's your frontal lobe. It's in the toilet. It is definitely in the toilet. And she literally, but it was like, that's all she needed. She goes, Is that what I'm, am I projecting? Am I put, so I don't have control of my emotions and I'm not making, like she literally, and I said, bingo, you're healed, move on. Like, but that's what I'm saying. When we start talking, I said, a lot of times they don't know. And I, that's why I say, even with that, I show them. This why? Lord forbid if you're a boy. Oh my gosh. Cause you only got enough of that to operate one head at a time. That's all I got to say. But that's what I'm saying. I think sometimes, too, they want somebody just to say, you're okay. Yeah, absolutely. You're okay. Yeah, this sucks. This is weird. And guess what? You're going to mess up again. But you're okay. But And they also want sometimes just validation. Like, you know, hey, hey, am I, you know, am I right for like feeling this way or thinking this way or making this move? Like, absolutely. You know, I was just talking to one of my teens. She's 16 and just started, you know, driving. You know, this girl is so intelligent and like very adult soul for her age. and i just love her to death she is just now starting to be able to speak up to her parents and like have a voice and she'll be like i don't want to be disrespectful or i don't want to be this but i feel this way and i'm like get that voice i will help you but let's talk about different ways you can approach that with still being respectful to your parents but like your voice is you're you're allowed to have that voice and let's learn how to bring that up to your mom in there. You know, let's bring your mom in or why don't you try doing this and just seeing how much she's already grown in the last few months is like amazing. And I'm just like, this is where we say talk about it in a safe space because if If you're out there and you're listening, or if you have a teen that's just kind of like everywhere, they're not talking to you anymore. They don't want anything to do with you. I know a lot of parents say that. They're like, oh, my teen is just completely closed off. They don't think, just go to their room or they're on their phones. Like every time I ask them a question, they just shut down. Okay. That's, that's okay. Just letting them know that you're there when you need them, you know, not forcing them, but also saying, you want to just talk to somebody. you just want to have like someone that's not your parent or your brother or sister like having someone to talk to you like it's okay does it mean something is seriously wrong with your child that's another thing is still getting that stigma out of their minds like oh okay so your child must have major depression or your child must have this because they're not talking to you Maybe they're a little bit depressed, but it doesn't mean that they have depression. There's Again, you're coming to talk to my kids because they, that's the thing. I think now that again, positive negatives, the fact that, you know, mental health is in conversations now, but again, it's like, but I'm there. No, y'all don't know how many demographics you have to boxes you have to check. And it was funny. I just happened to see a little reel the other day. And this gentleman was like, yeah, that's his life. Yeah, that's just Tuesday. That was just your coffee spilling. It's true. I mean, that's unfortunate. Like I said, the social media aspect is so big because They diagnose themselves, they're like, oh, well, I have that symptom, this symptom, this symptom. I'm experiencing this, this, and this. Okay, you can have this, but also just have a situation, and you're growing, and you're developing. So that is just one thing we need to talk to our teens more about, And don't be afraid to tell them your experiences. You don't have to tell them the whole kid, but don't be afraid to tell your teens, hey, when I was your age, I struggled with a little bit of depression. And I think sometimes, too, parents are afraid that if they talk to their kids about certain things, that all of a sudden, OK, the kid is going to be like, OK, that's what I have. That's what I have. Sometimes normalizing things. Normalizing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, when I'm working with my parents, because a lot of times it is, you know, I said, listen, they know you love them, but you are operating from fear right here. And that's what they're feeling. And so they can't even understand anything over here, because they're so heightened in their limbic system. But it's also I said, you know, when you create that authenticity, you know, with yourself, I said, even when it's uncomfortable, I said, but you create a space to where somebody else can come in and also be authentic. And that's where I'm, cause you know, I'm so wide open. I mean, um, my students, you know, but, but they know, and it's funny because especially cause you're on the system. So I work with all the family and sometimes what I see is that when the teenagers start to find their voice, Here comes daddy, here comes mama, here comes whatever. And again, you know, and I said, that's fine. And I said, yes, it's a bigger thing. You know, this is what's happening. And I said, this is where they are. I said, however, you know, you are still a parent, but I have to really bring them in too and say, this is what they're hearing. And so now it's like, and I got mom and dad, they're like, coming on Tuesday because it Yeah, and that just made me think too, it's like you said, you're creating that space with them and it's like when your child, when you do create that space and they do open up, you need to check yourself. I know we said this a few weeks ago, you need to check yourself as a parent and say, how am I going to react? Am I reacting because I don't like what I'm hearing but it's their truth? or am i reacting because i feel just like what is what is going to be your response after that because you're trying to create that space but if you shut them down or you punish them for feeling a certain way that is one of my biggest pet peeves and i see it happen all the time it's like well they told me they feel this and that's just not true i don't do that or i don't do this okay you may not think you are i'm not saying You're coming from a bad place being a parent, but they're feeling that way for a reason. You have to listen and your job now is to listen to your child. And I'm so, I, I, I, that gets me so upset because I see it so often where parents will like the child opens up like, okay, well, what's your deal? Let's, I'm just going to give you a scenario. So let's say your son is, you know, closing off to you. You guys used to be really close. He is now trying to go off in his, you know, figure things out. He likes a girl. and you're trying to be intrusive and really ask them a lot of questions. Well, he's not ready to go there yet with you. Well, then finally, when he does go there with you, you're like, well, I want to know X, Y, and Z. I want to know what you're doing, who you're talking to, what you're doing, let me see your text messages, let me check your social media, let me do this, let me do this. And then what does that do? Then they're going to be like, nope, guess what? I'm pulling back. And then you're wondering why your child again pulls back from you or then lies to you. And that's another thing. If you constantly have a child that is lying to you, and you're constantly catching them in lies, check yourself for a second. I'm not saying it's your fault as a parent, but I'm saying you need to figure out why they're lying. Are they lying because they don't feel that they can come to you? Are they lying because if they do come to you, you're just gonna shut them down or punish them for a certain way, the way they're feeling? So this again goes back to us on being a parent is you can't just always point the finger to the child. It's not the child to be fixed. Sometimes it's you to really try And one of my things that I say to you is, Being a parent does not come with a handbook. No. And every kid is different. And you know, even in your own home, the kids that you have more than one child, yes, they're different. And you have to parent them different. You know, the love can be the same, but you parent them different and you have to know your kid. You know, sometimes I've had kids, my two of my girls are like, they told me everything. Some stuff I didn't want to know. but then my son is more closed off. And sometimes I think it's because I'm a woman. But you definitely have to know your kids because I tell my parents, look, if parenting came with a handbook, I'll tell you to look on page 74. Oh, go to page 101. It's highlighted. It's right there. So know your kid, you know, spend that time, as you said, listening more. Listening more, talking less, I like that. That was even a leadership thing. I saw they said, you know, one of the top five traits of leaders, very first one was active listening. And it's funny because, you know, I always say, you know, education, I'm more of a direct, more of a teacher, coaching, you know, more of, but doing this full, full, full, you know, the last three years, It's funny, I was thinking that to myself the other day. I was like, God, I listen so much now. And I hear things so quickly now. As soon as I hear it, you know, cause I'm like, oh yeah, that's that. Okay. And that's the thing. It's like, but I still, you know, there's still things. And I said, well, I go, I live it, breathe it, eat it, sleep it, research it, teach it. And I'm still human. I still have children and I still mess up and I still don't know. But it's funny. Cause you said, know your children first. Can I, can I go a little bit deeper and say, you gotta know yourself first. True, true. You gotta know yourself first. Only by then you do. Unfortunately, that's the problem. I'm sorry, but that's how I believe there's hope. I say things just get taller and older sometimes. But I also tell them and I also tell them I said because you know I came from definitely the River Latchkey kids you know we were the first rich I said We didn't have emotions. They weren't even in it. Like, we thought we'd cry, whatever you coming out. Yes, ma'am. You want broccoli? Okay. Like that's what And then you look like this. So, but I said so many times in my teenage years, I said, here's the thing. You all now are the ones with the vocabulary. I said, y'all are teaching more parents. And a lot of times, you know, that space between learning and not learning that frustration, When parents start to lash out, it's because they're frustrated too. And I said, but it's not just they're wrong, you're right, you're right, they're wrong. Sometimes you wanna be right or you wanna keep peace. Right, and parents are trying to do all that they've learned how to do. From our generation to generation and culture shifts and things like that, we're also learning. But that is, again, where I always tell parents to check yourself because where are you parenting from? Where are you parenting from? Fear, a lot of times fear. Your own personal beliefs, which is fair. You know, how you were raised, that's fair. You know, but at the same time, you said this a couple weeks ago, you know, what is your goal? Do you, are you trying to get through to your child? Are you trying to have a good relationship with them? Are you trying to prove that you're right? I mean, come on. Are you just trying to prove that you're right and they're wrong? Or like, cause what is that going to do? Okay. You're a parent. You're the one that's always right. Right. But what the hell is that going to help your child? I mean, cause I can't tell you how many times my, even still to this day, things cut out of my kid's mouth. And I'm like, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Like really, did you really just say that to me? But at the same time, I'm like, okay, come back to that in five years. And I want to hear that. I'm going to remember what you just said to me. I'm going to remember that statement. And I'm going to go like, yeah, you're What? You said that? I was trying to do it myself. And I say, T.J. just shut up. T.J. don't say anything. That's all I do is on the side. And I'm over there like, I'm over there. I go, oh that's cute. I was like, you need new friends. I know. they're like i saw it on tiktok the world is sinking mom sinking yes but again that's and again but that's what i'm saying it's like you know i always go who But I like that. Sometimes you just gotta say it. Go ahead. I do. That's what I say. Do it. The thing that a lot of mistakes that parents that I see make is that when their child is saying, I'm just gonna go do this mom, even though you know that that's a really big mistake. go ahead you have to let them pack some snacks i'll never forget it and this is of course very different this is very different from a tee but i'll never forget when my mom when i was like she said i was like six years old and i remember doing this on my little bicycle but she says that i said i was running away to my aunt's house and I don't she said she couldn't remember what I did but like I got on my tricycle she goes okay you have your teddy bear do you have your favorite blanket yep you're good bye she said I went all the way down the street and then I just stopped I'm like where am I going and then I wore my backpack home my mama goes you're back already I thought you were gone and I'm like thinking on that I'm like that's awesome I can't believe you did that I briefly remember being on my tricycle alone but that was it but like things like that okay your 18 19 year old says that they can make it on their own okay Bye. Don't I'm telling you, I just heard that. And you know what? I flipped my brain over and I go, okay, do not respond to that, TJ. And I didn't. I go, oh, okay. And then silence. It was, well, I'm not going to move out right away. No, and that's when you go, Man, because I already, listen, what you pausing for? I don't think I'm what color I want to paint your room. Like you got, listen, everybody asks me, they literally, at some of my other clubs, they're like, how are you with these teenagers? I said, y'all been teaching teenagers for 30 something years. I say, you got to be crazier than they are, but you got to, you got to speak it to them. Uh huh. Wait, hold on. Let me get some popcorn here. No, I'm coming back. I'm coming back. Oh, you got more. Okay. Wait, hold on. Let me text him. I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get a whole, wait. Oh, you want to post this? Oh, I mean, that's good. I like it. And then they do, they look at you like, are you being for real? No, I'm here for it. I'm here for it. Show me how to do it because you can do it. Because let me tell you, I want to work 12 hours and we can be able to Yeah. But I mean, that's the thing is that, you know, we have just, you got it. We got to let them sometimes we do. We just got to let them see it. Let them. Yeah. Let them. you know, try it out, let them see how it's, you know, what it's like. That's why I'm a big believer too, speaking of teens and like letting them is letting them work. Oh my gosh. Like so many kids nowadays, you know, they don't work, they don't have jobs at all. Like, and I'm talking about, I don't care if they mow lawns every weekend, like whatever it is, they don't have to have like a nine to five or anything. And it's just to teach them. Like, how to, what money is, Right, time management. You can scroll for four hours, but you can't serve a hamburger? Yeah. And I'm as grown as my soul wants to be. I'm like, yeah, part of being grown. Okay, so you want me to treat you like a girl. Part of being grown is going to work when they're scheduling you and working your shift. It's not keeping your shift away. Right. That's money. Money is time. Time is money. And here's the electric bill. Yeah. And that's, that's the water bill. That's I know. And another thing too, it's our responsibility as the parents is to kind of force that on them. Like, okay, you're 15 16 now you're you want a car you want this okay well let's teach you how to get you know you need help getting a job and like even if you they don't need to financially like i know parents go well i don't want my kids to work i want them to focus on school yes you want them to focus on school absolutely i've always told my kids school is your priority that's your job that's your primary position However, another piece of what school doesn't teach you is responsibility. They don't teach you what it's like, how to do money and how to feel like, okay, here's, I just worked up, you know, 20 hours this week and I have a hundred dollar paycheck. And if I go below this in one day, I'm going to feel like crap. I just worked all those hours for that. Like they need to understand that. So when you have money as a parent, like financially well off and you can give your kids their credit card. Okay. Again, when are they going to show fine value in the money? What, when they're And even on the flip side though, real quick, I was like, well, I just don't know what to do. I was like, yeah, you do. take away the phone, take away the crinkle, but then they won't. Oh, okay. So, oh, oh. So you're creating a situation, but then you want to complain about it. Absolutely. Right. But you want them to understand they can't. Think about it. None of us can really understand until we go through it. You know, have you ever seen it? And this reminds me of like the guys that put on the little like, uh, pregnancy things because they're just beautiful. And I was like, yeah, cute. And again, not that we want you to have to understand birth, but And plus, but here's also the thing, and guys I still go back, I go, they are not adults. They're not, you know, why are we mad with them all the time when just go, hey, okay, set it up, give them that foundation. Like we said, they don't know how to do this. One of my young babies in there, she's like, now why are we doing geometry? Oh my God, and you know, why can't we do like something and teach me how to budget my money? I was like, yeah, that would be good. But I circled a little circle and she goes, But it's like they're struggling too because it's like they want to do well. They want to please their parents. They want a place. But they want to feel good about themselves. They want to be accomplished. But again, that's what I'm saying. That's that legalistic mentality of you have to do this and these are the rules. but nobody's teaching them. But just think about how much it helps build their self-esteem and self-confidence by having a job too. Like it teaches them, like you said, like the responsibility, time management, teaches them how to respect people other than your parents, you know, maybe seeing what it's like to, like I said, like if they're making 15 bucks an hour and what it's like to take home a paycheck of only like 40 bucks. And budget that money. And budget, saying I have gas to pay for and I've made both my kids and I've told them both like, yes, like, Yeah, mom is going to be setting up a trust for you and doing all this stuff, but that doesn't mean I'm going to hand it to you. There's stipulations to that. I'm going to make sure you're working, you're doing what you're supposed to do because I'm not going to just hand it to you. And like, that is where the entitlement factor comes in to a lot of our kids is the entitlement. Like, oh, I don't have to work. But is it not a learned behavior? What do I say? A lot of people act the way they do because they're allowed to. Yeah. Oh yeah, they're allowed to. And that's what I'm saying. Again, we keep pointing out the teens and that's what I keep saying is like, but I go, but where's the coach? Where's the teacher? Where's the parent? Where's this? Like literally one of my clients every day. And she was so, you know, and talking about her 12 year old and such and such. And I go, whoa, stop. I go, who was in charge? And she was like, I go, who was in charge? But again, because it's like, she was trying to, and my, and you know, and I go, she was, oh my God, like, Because that's the thing, parents are struggling too. Parents are struggling too, you know what I mean? And that's the thing, it's like, they're trying to navigate, the kids are trying to navigate, and everybody's in this emotional state, and I go, okay, what? Where are we, what are we doing? Because first and foremost, our kids are supposed to be protected 1,000%, 1,000%. And that's not happening either. That is not happening either. And I'll see it every day, especially in our school system. It's not happening. And that's when seeing these kids are Yeah. And so many different aspects. That's why I felt like today was such a big deal because they are, there's so many things going on in the school systems, you know, like it's, it's a mess and the kids are the one being affected. And these are the, these are the soon to be adults that are going to be running our country one day. Right. It's like, that's scary to think that. And, you know, not saying that like, you know, none of you teens today could, you know run the country because there are very there are amazing kids out there i see but it's not it's kind of not fair to you either because like we're failing you like our school system's failing you and our being certain you know parents not healed are failing you and that's another thing to think about too as a parent from what you've gone through in your own childhood in your own situations have you healed Have you grown? Have you held yourself accountable for choices that you've made? No? Okay, then that means you need to do work so that you can be a better parent to your child and that you can show them a better example. And I get it. I empathize with parents who've gone through divorce and single moms and dads out there. I mean, there are so many single parents you know i was a single parent for a while too and it's like nothing it's like yeah they're struggling but like again at the end of the day we are the ones responsible for our kids and our teenagers and you know more than the school system so the school system is already a their own set of problems we can't necessarily control goes on over there but we can control what we show and what we show up for in our houses with our kids. Absolutely. And setting that foundation starts at home. We And if you're a single parent out there too, one of the best things a psychologist ever told me, and he says, Bella, if your child has at least one stabilizing force in their life, so one parent that shows up every day that they can come to, that they can trust, that they could feel like, you know what, my mom or my dad is gonna be there every single day for me, show up for me. then that And you know what I work with a lot of single parents and and I think it's because you know I'm I mean my son's gonna be 23 you know my two other ones you know that were my students are you know 23 24 and we work, we work and we have to be strong. And that's, I mean, I, and they're boys. And so, you know, got my, got my Beth Dutton shirt on again, didn't know her, now I love her. But, um, I have to be mom, dad, police chief, preacher, executioner, cheerleader, teacher, you know what I mean? We get it all. And I mean, I tell my single parents all the time, I go, listen, I got you. I got you. Yeah. But again, you know, You're doing it. Don't, don't worry about this or that or comparing this or what about, what about, what about, what about what? Is it if your child needs an extra year to like sleep with you in the room or if a child, so what? So what? It doesn't matter. You need that baby where they are. You meet their needs because when they feel emotionally safe, didn't they feel confident? I said, you're going to surprise how they show up And just remember too, teens, this is only a short period of their life. Like, and if you're a teenager listening or you're a parent listening, is teens is just a time period, a very like drop in the span in what your life is really going to be about. So just think about like, as if you're coming from a parent's perspective, is that like, that's all temporary, but it's also influential. So how you're showing up now is going to help determine what kind of relationship you're going to have with your child. So if you have a really shitty, shitty relationship, If you have a shitty relationship with your teenager. Every time I get so tickled. If you have a shitty relationship You have a shitty relationship with your child for years and you're not changing anything about the situation. If you're not showing up differently, if you're not trying to get help and recognizing that you're a part of the problem, you can also be a part of the solution. And if you don't do that, then that's going to affect your relationship with them later on, you know? And if you're a teenager, How you just think about it, it's just a drop in the sand. So if you're having it tough right now, and if you're like, this life sucks, I don't wanna be here, and I know so many kids do that, and you know, suicide is a huge, huge thing. Yes, we're gonna have to talk about that. But just think, everything is temporary. You will get through it, and your whole life is ahead of you, your whole life. So if things are tough now, trust me, they do get better, and better, and better, as long as you're working self-development. And I'm going to go back to before the multiple shits. I'm going to get my own roll on. Before the it hit. I also heard something, and this was a while ago, and it says, if you do not listen to the little things, your children will not come to you with the big things. And, you know, and I've literally had parents say, they'll look at me and they'll be like, My towel walks in and I just literally go, wait, let me go. Are you done? Are you done? Are you done? Look at that body language. Yeah. They're already, they already feel defeated. And so I'm going to go, do you want to come in? I said, think about this. You come in, pay money, get help. And all of a sudden you're spilling your whatever. And I'm sitting there going, I'm not going to come back. Like, what are we doing? I got things to do. I got other clients. But you wouldn't do that. I said, you don't know what I would do. But I don't even know you. You don't even know me. This is your child. And this is how you're showing up for them. Why in the world would they want to spend time with you? Why would they want to tell you a bad thing? Because you clearly don't want to hear it. I said, so, you know, and that's what I'm saying. Sometimes parents do not even realize Yeah, and I always say the time you don't want to hear is the time you need to hear, right? Because you don't know what, again, like we're talking about like the teen struggles, you don't know what they're struggling with. And how long and how hard it has been for them to even get to that Yeah, and then that makes me think too is like, if you are trying to control, if you think that protecting them is controlling them. Those are two different things. You can protect your child by not controlling them. And people sometimes parents think, and I've been guilty of this too, and I learned, but like you take away their phone, you track everywhere they are, you time them when they're coming back from work, you know, all this stuff. And you think that by having all that control, that that is going to solve the problem. No, you got to go backwards. You trying to control the situation. So like, let's say, like, I know that there's a parent that is trying to control who their son is seeing. They don't like want to see their son with, you know, a certain girl and it's like, okay, I'm going to take away their phone. I'm going to take, I'm going to track them where they are at all times. I'm going to go through their phone every single day. I'm going to block that girl on every social media output. I'm going to do all this stuff. It's like, okay, do you really think first of all, does that help your relationship with your child? No. Second of all, do you really honestly think that child is not going to find a way that 16, 17, 18 year old child is not going to find a way to talk to that girl? I mean, they figure out a way. Do you really think so? Like, you need to take a step back and say like, okay, is what I'm doing really productive? Is what I'm doing actually going to help the situation because by controlling everything is not going to And like, it's funny, I'm talking about a certain situation and it's like, this mom has no idea how many tricks that's happening and he's still talking to the girl every single day. And this mom thinks that she has all this control. Well, and even with that, then you're teaching your child to lie and deceive. Right. And manipulate, you know. And also the fact, you think they respect you? And that's the thing. Because you don't even see them as a whole person. Right. And they're laughing at you. And why would you not want to be a part of your children's life? And they can't even tell you anything now because they know how you are. You know, and that's just too much control. And I always say, we, we, we, you can't control another human being. That includes our kids. I can't control my kids because they're like, I know, right? You Now we can't. And we shouldn't, and if you think about it, why do we want to control them? We always have to think about the why behind it. It is, why am I trying to control the situation? Is it about me or about them? Exactly, it is. It is always about you, why you're trying to control the situation. Do you not like that they're trying to step away from you? That they're trying to figure out who they are? Do you fear something? Or have you put up such a persona That's another story. But you know, I want to, I want my children to, or my adult kids' children, to respect me. I don't want to control them. I want to, and I believe that I've earned that respect, you know? But you gotta, it's just not, it's not something that you can control. They see you, they see how you, because I always say, if I want, if I can't, I can't ask anything of my kid that I'm not willing to do myself. I say that, you know, you should work hard. It's because I work hard. I try to exemplify those things in my children's life so that when I talk, it's not just talk. I'm talking about it. I'm doing it. I'm a hard worker. You can do it. Yes, I struggle. You can get through it. You know, yes, you've seen me at my worst and now you see me at my best. You can do it. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Even when, like, I would work with teachers and, you know, they would always talk about, and respect, respect, respect gets thrown around. But what does it mean to you? But here's what I said. I said, first and foremost, I said, as a PE teacher, you know, former PE teacher, everybody was like, why are you a PE teacher? And I said, if you don't know my classroom management, I said, let me tell you something. You have to have some serious control of your brand or anything else. I said, but that's not it. I said, but here's the thing. I said, when we talk about respect, I said, You command respect. You don't demand. Because command is the way you show up, the way you're prepared. You have your research, you know where you are and everything else. I said, but you also have to know like, this is who you are. You're responsible for this situation. And if anything were to happen, I have to control the situation to keep you safe, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. And when parents can understand that it, again, always goes back to safety, always goes back to safety for everybody. And that's the thing, it's like, my boys know flat out, I don't play, but I don't lie, but I do. And they come back and they'll be like, well, you know, mom, and I'm like, you know what? That's fair. That's fair. You're right. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Doesn't always feel good. Right. Doesn't always feel good. Trust me. We know, because our kids, they will. My kids will tell me. And I'm glad I've developed that now, you know. I agree there, and that's what I'm saying. I've not only seen it in our clients, we not only live it with our different families and dynamics, but also in our own lives. I love the fact that now that my kids are a little older, they literally call me for everything. My son tells me things in college that I don't even want to know, and I'm just like, And, and like, he's telling me and I'm glad that he feels open enough. And I'm just like, please be safe. Please just do this, you know, like, and then my daughter, the same thing. And, you know, I'm glad I have developed that relationship, but there are times, you know, where, you know, those tell me, Oh mom, you know, can you do this? Or you said this and it kind of hurt my feelings. Oh. Like, okay, like I need to, I need to listen, you know, and I need to hear them. And so I think that's one thing that we really just need to continue doing. And I apologize. Oh, absolutely. I have, I had a parent ask me, uh, I'm seeing her 16 year old daughter. She goes, what can I do to help, you know, uh, bridge the gap in my daughter's relationship. And I just looked at her and go, apologize. Oh, I'm sorry. You know, You didn't do that right. You didn't get that right. You had the best intentions, but She's like, yeah, you need to as a parent. I can't tell you. I've apologized to my kids numerous times. And it's like, they see that. I mean, like you can just see it in their eyes sometimes. Like, oh my gosh, like my mom actually apologized to Well, and that's another thing with our teenagers. We've always been mom. We've always been dad. And now, But when you do that, they start to go, my mom is actually a whole person. She is not a robot. My dad is actually, he's got some issues at work. Wow. Like, you know, and it really does give them a little bit because that's the thing. They have to step into that because they don't see us as you know, up until we were just the caretakers and everything else. But also, I want to give a little like quick tips. I know we're getting ready to wrap up because I know sometimes parents go, okay, that all sounds good and everything. But what do I do? How do I even like start a conversation with my teenager or whatever who doesn't want to talk to me. What I do all the time even like when I did yesterday in class and again I always about you know I go okay hey you know TJ listen maybe I know things have been a little rocky but can you teach me like what am I missing what am I not getting because I don't want to have this gap you know I love you but I'm at my wit's end and clearly I'm not getting it right can you help me. Everybody wants to help somebody. Everybody wants to feel confident. Everybody loves to, you know, okay, I know we want you to be an attorney, but you love the mandolin. Can you help me understand because I don't want to push you into something to then have you hate me and resent me and we have all this, but I need more information. Right. And that's one of the best things you do. And that is what I mean, knowing your kid, going back if you have started off on the wrong path, going back and correcting the wrongs, you know, getting like getting their buy-in, making them feel like, hey, you do have control over your own life. I just want to be here to support you, even if it's Or asking them, how can I support you? How do you want me to show up? How can I support you? Some kids really want you up front and center. Other kids are like, no, I want you in the background. And we have, like you said, two or three different kids. We have to remember that, too. So asking them, how do you want me to show up? What do you need from me as a parent now? Say, you're 16 now, or you're 18 now, or you're 20. What do you want me to be in your life? We Exactly. But also they hear it differently because that's when they'll say like, Dr. Robin, we hear your name so much or Coltrane or whatever. And I go because they're hearing me in their logic brain. They're not in a panic fight or flight thinking I'm gonna take their phone. You know what I mean? I said, and so they hear it differently. I said, and when that happens, then you can start to say, okay, but fair. I realized my behavior. Okay. Yeah. It was terrible. And I realized now I'm afraid, you know, I'm afraid, I'm afraid this world's going to hurt you and I'm afraid, you know, but then you can start getting into the lessons of, you know, yes, I hear you on that. That sounds great. Absolutely. Now I can look at it this way and now they're ready to have that conversation because that's the thing. We have people that are upset all the time in sessions We're not matching their energy and we're not coming at them and telling them, you know, you can't come next week if you don't figure that that would be horrible. You know, giving them the tools they need to navigate their own lives. Yeah, that's So just to wrap up, teens, if you are struggling, please just talk to your parents about, you know, talking to someone. Don't be afraid to ask for help. And parents, listen to your kids more. Those are the bottom line. This is our top list. Thank you so much for this episode. We will see you next week.