Stop Calling Everyone NARCISSISTS: The Pain Behind ENTITLEMENT | Therapists Unhinged Ep. 6

In this episode of "Therapists Unhinged", we dive deep into the topic of entitlement mentality and its implications on various aspects of life, including relationships, the workplace, and generational dynamics. We explore the question of whether we are raising narcissistic individuals or if entitlement stems from unmet needs. Our discussion highlights the importance of understanding the backgrounds and experiences of those who exhibit entitlement behaviors, as many may be seeking healing from past traumas.

We celebrate our podcast's success, having surpassed 4,000 views in our first month, and tease upcoming guest appearances. As we unpack entitlement, we consider the balance between deserving and entitlement, emphasizing that while everyone deserves basic human rights and respect, entitlement often arises from unrealistic expectations without the necessary effort or work put in.

Throughout the episode, we share personal anecdotes and insights from our experiences as therapists, illustrating how unmet emotional needs can lead to maladaptive behaviors in adulthood. We also touch on the impact of societal changes and the increasing isolation of younger generations, which may contribute to feelings of entitlement.

Ultimately, we stress the importance of self-awareness, communication, and the need for individuals to take responsibility for their healing and growth. We encourage listeners to reflect on their own expectations and the work they put into their relationships and lives, reminding them that true fulfillment comes from within and is not simply a matter of entitlement.

Transcript

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Are we raising narcissistic people that become entitled or is it just unmet needs that kind of rolls What hurt you wasn't your responsibility to Once you know someone's history and you see some of those entitlement tendencies, The children of trauma are always looking for healing and places The most entitled people I have come in contact with are the most entitled. All right. Hello, hello. Hello. Welcome So I wanted to tell everybody at the same time, which includes you two, but we have exceeded over 4,000 views, which is a lot in the first month, apparently, according to our podcast production team. So we're doing very well. I wanted to tell you all at the same time. Already, so we're doing well. Yeah. And we have a couple guests coming on. Yes, we do. We already have some amazing signups for that. So we're excited to do that. But today's episode, we are talking all about entitlement mentality. What that does to, you know, the generations, what that can do to relationships, the workplace, kind of. Yeah, everywhere and how it can impact a Yes. I mean, it's funny because you said that and both of us were like, oh, so, okay, how about this? Is there any positivity? Did we come up with any positivity when we talk about entitlement? What do you mean? Because you said the word and we were both like, hmm. Oh, well, I Well, OK, I got what you're saying. So that's one thing to even say, like, OK, are we raising like just narcissistic people that become entitled? Or if you think about it another way, is it just like unmet needs? that kind of rolls over into that sense of entitlement, because I never got my needs met. You owe me this now. Everyone owes me. So that is kind of like the balance. If you think about entitlement, it's like, OK, yes, they present themselves sometimes as narcissistic because everything's all about me, my way. Everyone owes me everything. And that's just the way it is. Or is it possible that these adults or even teens have Right, because it may not be entitlement. It may be that my needs have never been met, and now I have authority But also, it comes down to, I had somebody say, um well this child of course you know i always go developmental where are we talking about which you know and it's like well this child is just you know seeking attention i said yeah there's a reason because they're not getting it and in the correct way you know that nature versus nurture i put a roof over your head i do this you don't have any problems but but you don't see me You know, and so that's the thing. So we do talk about the entitlement. Everybody goes into narcissism, I don't want to hear narcissists, I don't want to hear racists, and I don't want to And gaslighting, yeah. Those, I said, stop, stop, stop, stop. I said, buzzwords, I said, you know, let's sit first with the needs not being met. So when you talk about that, Nella, like So for instance, if a child, like let's say the child that you were just talking about is growing up in a household where their needs are not getting met. So, you know, I mean, yes, maybe their basic needs, they're getting shelter and food and water or whatever, but are they getting like their emotional needs met? by their parents, by, you know, their other environmental, like, you know, teachers, things like that. So all they're doing the entire time is constantly asking and grasping at to get that attention and to get their needs met. And they never can. So once they get old enough, then they know how to verbalize it, right? Because children don't really know how to verbalize what their needs are. So then they get to a certain age and they're like, You know what? I never got this as a kid. You were a crappy parent. You were, you know, a bad teacher or everyone who was out to get me because of whatever reason. And that turns into then, everyone Because that's what I was going to say, because they've never learned, and so their behaviors are so maladaptive. But wouldn't that also go into self-fulfilling prophecy? You know, we create what we want the most. Like, I am so afraid of being abandoned and rejected that I'm going to create a situation to where you will never abandon me or reject me, but in the end, because it is so maladaptive, I have to be abandoned and rejected. And so again, so it's like, can we fix that? Because yes, development in children, but then we see it, I mean, in partnerships, oh my gosh, we all do couples, and you know, it's, well, he and she, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, not about him, not about her, it's not about him, it's not about her. And a lot of times, some of the research I've done, it said that, you know, children of trauma are always looking for, you know, healing in places that have nothing to do with it. Of course, we talk about like, if we've got daddy issues or mommy issues, you know, we'll find, you know, a male partner and then put our trauma from that onto him and want him to take care of it. And the same thing with mom. I mean, so the sad part is the other side. They really want to give these, they love these people, but they're like, I don't even know how to do this. Right. You know? And so I know you do a ton of like with women empowerment. And so like, Absolutely. Especially in women who, I call it daddy issues, like they have daddy issues. And then what their fathers didn't do, they expect their husbands to do or their partners to do. And it's like, you can't expect that. I always say, you know, what hurt you wasn't your responsibility to fix, but the healing is your responsibility. You can't go back to the past to change the past. but you have every right now and every mean available to you to start to make that happen for you. How do you want to see it? How do you want to start making those changes in those areas so that you won't put your unmet needs Right. And even with that, like their unmet needs, it's finding it too in the wrong places. So they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like with the father. Let's say, like you said, like, you know, daddy issues, that term. They're seeking, since they didn't get that attention and the needs met from their father, they're looking at any male figure or a much older man to give them that loving, that taking care of me, because they didn't feel taken care of by their dad. or they felt abandoned by And some of my clients, they realize that now because, okay, say they grew up with the absenteeism of their father, and now they, of course, they have these daddy issues, and then they get into these relationships, they get married, they have kids, they think that they got what they want, and then 10 or 20, 30 years later, maybe the kids are growing out of the house, they realize this isn't what I wanted. The only reason why I chose this is because I was still looking for someone out of the traumatic eye. Like I'm still in pain. I'm still dealing with this trauma and I'm choosing someone who's actually carrying the trauma on into this relationship or continuing to, you know, produce trauma and not realize it until, you know, like years later. And they're like, this is my dad, but it's in the And going back to, you know, generational, where we are now. And I wish I could show it in here. I saw a, cause you know, we're in the TikTok, which is not great. I have like four friends. Don't try to film me cause I don't know how to do it. Anyway, I have four. And, but I saw this thing and I literally showed it to my students. And we were talking about, because I'm always trying to get them to understand, like, it was different. It was different. It was different. And the lack of connection. So like I said, from like, where people spend their time, you know, from 1936 to 2024, it's unbelievable. And from 2000 to 2010, friends and family and everything else went to online. And then from 10 to 20, it's literally 67% of all people now all over are isolated and online. And so where am I going with that? Is that because of the almost complete break of family systems, you know, we used to always see, you know, like y'all said, daddy issues, She's now looking for either an older man or whatever. But now we're having these young people that are going, I hate men. I must be a lesbian. Or same thing with, you know, some of our young men that, you know, whatever's happening, well, I must be over here. So there's a lot happening there too. A lot of my young people are really struggling with their identity and, you know, they think it must be this or it must be that. And so, you know, we all have to look too, is even the connections and lack of connections, because again, you know, Nell and I were talking the other day about getting some of our younger generations in here, you know, to do some more guest spots, because It is so different than when we grew up. Our foundational system was like, everybody pretty much had a mom and a dad and a whatever, a dog named Bill. And then we see that, but now it's like, even if they have that, they don't have that because they're not even connecting on any level with anybody. And so the entitlement I think that so many of these kids are having now is like, I don't even know what anything is. And so we say entitled because we have a foundation. Why these kids don't have that? And so it's like, they have no idea anything that makes sense. And so it's like, well, I didn't get that because you owe me that, or like you said, or this is this law, but that's what that says. But they're missing the human experience of it. So it's just like, how do we break that down again? And you talked about narcissism, which we know, you know, the self-reflection. Another crazy thing I read something that said people were not born to see their own reflections. Isn't that interesting? Mirrors and all that stuff, you know, because that's why you operated from your heart, you operated from who you are, but nobody paid attention to really how they looked, you know? And so now that's the only thing that matters, especially in younger generations, is that, look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me. But it doesn't make Yeah, a lot of attention seeking, for sure. I mean, obviously. And, you know, and I think that's, you know, I'm glad that we are more educated on you know, terminology and what issues can arise by unmet needs, you know, that, but not everything is narcissistic. You know, not everything is someone's out to get you. And that is, unfortunately, I feel like a lot of what's going on now. And I think that feeds into the entitlement of our, generation of this younger minds and even older adults. I see it in older adults as well. And it tends to be like, once you know someone's history, especially us being therapists, like when you get more into their history and their childhood and their experience, and you see some of those entitlement tendencies and statements come from them, then you start to really look at I know where that came from. This happened to you, so now you feel these people owe you. And so I get that, and I try to understand them, but from an external person that doesn't know who they are, doesn't know them from a therapist or a personal, we're gonna automatically be like, man, that person, they are entitled, they are narcissistic, they're all about them, and But even with that, because sometimes I'm just like, the harder they come at you, I'm like, the scared-er they are, you know what I mean? Because that is such a defense, such a defense, you know? F you before you F me, basically. And my son, by the way, can't wait for you to drop an F bomb. He just worked out one of that. And I was like, what? And he goes, no, no, because I said, TJ and Maya said, I don't, he goes, well, she said she. I go, I know I said we left. So that's for you, Reagan. But I think that's the thing is because I know that's a lot of time with me. It was like I had been hurt so much that I was like, nobody will hurt me. There is no feelings. There's no anything. And I was just kind of like, yeah, watch this. You know, F you before you F me. Even with that, it wasn't entitlement. And again, like when we talk about like women's rights and, you know, cultural rights and everything, We all lived it, you know, we're all like watching people raise the bar and everything. And now it's like, what have you done? What have you done? And you're disrespecting the history ahead of you because, you know, you think you've got all this, but like, what have you done? And so, you know, but it's just like they are the ones, I think, again, that want so desperately to understand what's going on with them, because that's what I tell people. Like when people act like that, I go, they're not having a party. They're not happy. Well, they got this and they got that. I go, it's just stuff. It's just stuff. You know, and to me, like, it's very sad, you know, because I don't think about if they don't have a healthy relationship with themselves, how And I think that does come down to the core of it. And when you've said something about cultural, like, you know, TJ, I wonder, like, you know, you being, you know, young. Well, I still think you're young, young, successful, educated, all that good stuff. You know, what is your And I know we talked about this a couple episodes back, like a lot of it is attention seeking. You mentioned It is attention seeking and it doesn't necessarily mean it's negatively, you know, attention seeking. They just want to belong somewhere. Maybe it's, you know, wrapped in entitlement or we think it's packaged in entitlement. But when you take back, when you peel back the onion, the layers of the onion, you get this little small, tiny scared. you know, fearful person, they don't know how to communicate their needs. Maybe their needs have not been like adhered to, like we said, and now they're adults or older teenagers and they don't know how to communicate that. And then they don't want to communicate that they're scared or that they fear because that's another layer of judgment or something like that. So when I work with teenagers, I do I work with teenagers from, you know, different sides of the fence, so to speak. And some of them, they they come from backgrounds where their parents are. They have money. They have, you know, the nice cars and all this stuff. I've seen it a little bit where it's like, you owe me this. You owe me this. You owe me this. You owe me this. And it's like, no, we work hard and we get what we want. And just because your parents have money doesn't mean you have money. Just because your parents don't have money doesn't mean you can't go out and be successful and make your own money. So I've seen it from both sides. it can be entitlement, but then there are times where most times I've seen it where it's like, no, I have to get something because I've been deprived of it for so long. For me too, you know, when I think back, you know, growing up, how my parents, so I'm first generation American. My dad is straight off the boat from Sicily. My mom's straight off the boat from South America, Chile. And both of them, had to earn everything they had. They both came here with nothing, not even being a citizen of the United States. So seeing them have two or three jobs growing up and having to work for literally everything that they could possibly have, and then having us children. One thing that they've always instilled in us is you need to work your ass off. you need to take advantage of education. So when education was like the end all be all, you had to have a degree to do anything. I know that's changed now, but growing up for me, I was like, it wasn't an option. Like I'm going to school because my parents said that they couldn't go to school. So you're going to school, you're taking advantage of this American dream and all that. So I think seeing that growing up has helped me always earn and work hard for everything that I have today. But not everyone has that type of environment growing up. So I have to look, OK, well, I'm grateful that my parents instilled that value in me to work hard, work harder and suck it up. And I now instill that in my children to suck it up. Yes. Mom is doing well in her life. I turned it, no one handed it to me. So I'm not handing it to you either. You're broke. You're broke. You're my child. You may look like you have, but you're broke. I have the money. So, you know, and I want them to do that because I feel like that's just the way, you know, you're going to be able to grow up into appreciative Absolutely. Well, and it's funny because One of my ladies that I love, she's an older lady and she's faith-based, but she says something and I use it all the time. And it kind of goes right back to where that is. And she says that people are operating from too much information and not revelation. And so I was listening to that. And so I looked it up and I said, because think about it, when you have revelation of something, that means something is being revealed. And that is something within you that we see. people have a breakthrough, we have a breakthrough, you know what I mean? When everything, and they're just like, oh my gosh, you know, and this just happened. It's a light bulb. It is, but it is something within us that nobody can take away because it's our, and not everybody understands, but that's when we know that we know that, you know, we've got it, you know? And that's what I think is that because we had to reveal so much within ourselves, you know, all of us came from very different backgrounds, but we watched our, you know, ancestors and everything else, work. You gotta work. Like we even say, even doing adult, you gotta work. You gotta, because a lot of people say, I go, think about it. I said, but if you don't have to, then why would you? If you didn't have to go to the gym and you could look like a whole snack, I said, you wouldn't go to the gym. You know, but also then all of a sudden, like when things go sideways, you don't know how to fix them. You know, but that's the thing. When it is your revelation, when it's you are, something is revealed to you, then you go, you know what? I'm not worried about somebody. not giving you this. I'm not worried about somebody taking this from me. My needs are met because I've done the work. And that's even like in my couples and in my family systems and stuff, I go, okay. And this may never change in this dynamic. However, you change the way you're going to be in this. So like if dad or mom or husband or wife or whatever the situation is, because it's like, well, they just, it's not about them, you know, but if you reveal that, okay, one, they can't abandon me anymore or they can't hurt me anymore, or even if that's who they are, you know, but it's still my mom, it's still my dad, it's still my brother, sister, it's still my whatever. I'm going to love them the way that I know how, but I know I've earned all this. And I'm not afraid anymore, and I don't have to belong to that. And you know what I mean? That's what I still do all the time with a lot of my clients is that it still has to come back to us. It still has to come back What are we missing? Some of it is a facade. It's an image that people- They'll portray something. They'll portray something. But again, with the onion, you peel back the layers of that onion and you really see what it is. Because a lot of people, they hide behind this. Absolutely. They hide behind certain... Some people hide behind their money. They hide behind... you know, their parents, they hide behind something, you know. So I think a lot of it is just a facade that people just, they have Yeah. And they're so worried about what other people are thinking about them. They're putting up something that's not really them, or even someone that is very, had a very traumatic childhood. Like I have this one patient that I've had for a while and he always struggles with everyone's going to hurt me. Everyone's going to hurt me. So I can't let anybody in. So the second he does let someone in and they hurt him, I knew it. I got to stop. I got to stop. Exactly. And so that's the thing. It's like, you know, really deep down, he portrays himself as, I am tough, I won't let anybody in, but really inside, I mean, the softest heart for anybody. And I'll bring that up and he'll laugh when I have these sessions, because I'm like, that's not really you. You're just saying that, but you know, and he'll put his head down, like, I know, you know, and it is, and it's true. It's like, so that goes back to being self-aware, you know, of, Well, and even on that, like when you talk about, you know, yes, we get hurt, whatever. And that really is, I think a lot of it is that, of course, you know, people that have been hurt, we don't understand, especially when our core nurturers said, oh, of course we love you. And they hurt them, you know what I mean? So we equate love to hurt. And so we don't understand, you know, and that's what I'm saying. And it's like when my clients get there, whatever, and they're all of this, and I go, I sit there and I go, well, why would it be any different? And they're like, well, what do you mean? I go, well, because you're telling me this is all, you know, this is what happened. This is what happened, but you're beating yourself up because you can't get over here. I go, but whoever taught you that, whoever showed you that. So it's okay. But now this is your learning, you know, and you got to figure out, okay, I'm not ready to go there because that brings up way too much or Maybe I don't need to, because what I find is that my, and especially some of my younger female clients, 20s, 30s, is that coming out of toxic relationships and then trying to go back in and dip their toe in. And, you know, and they're always laughing because they're like, oh yeah, you know, did you talk to her about that? Like their parent, are you going to talk to her? And they go, what is she going to say? You're not ready. You know, because then they go, but what if, but what if, but what if? And I just sit there and I go, uh-huh. You're not ready. And I'm like, I know you're going to say that, you know? And I go, but think about it because you're already, you're doing so much work. But then as soon as you get in relational work, because relational work has to be done in relationships. And I said, so you're good. And so all of a sudden you go in and you start, but what if, what if? No, because here's the thing, stop being surprised. It's going to happen. Everybody hurts everybody at some point in time. Weakness is not wickedness, but okay. If that happens, not if he or she or whatever, if that happens, then you go, what is that hitting? Why am I still hurting there? What is happening there to get deeper in that onion? What is still going on that I'm not okay in that hurt? Because I think if they can take, because sometimes emotions are up here and everybody's like, they're just everywhere and I don't know how to, and I go, I go, but yeah, but what is this right here, right now? What is that? Where are we going? And that's where I can get them, again, back into that logic brain. They can problem solve and then go, oh, you know, and it might be that was brother or sister or dad or mom or grandma, teacher in fourth grade, So let me ask a question, because this popped up in my head as you were talking. What would you say the difference is between entitlement and Well, I tell everybody that I said, I don't think everybody deserves everything. I said, I believe we all deserve everything. I'm not going to tell you, you can't have that. That's not my place, you know? And to me, I mean, you work hard, you get this, you get that, I'm on you, I just think it has to do with like expectations too. So like, so what is your expectation? So, okay, I just, for instance, like I get a job and I deserve to have an increase in pay. So, I know I've earned it, or I know I'm going to earn it. So what is the expectation within three months? Within three months at my 90-day review, I want $5 more an hour. Okay, that's your expectation, but is it reality? And do you feel like Because when Robin was talking about that, that's immediately what I thought, like, how do we tell the difference between being entitled or being deserving of something? And that was like, thank you. I was like, I have no words for that because that is so true though. I believe too that when we say we deserve something, well for me, if I know that I deserve something, I'm already looking at the work that I've done to get here. Like have you put in the work, right? What kind of work have you put in? versus, oh, I'm entitled to have that, and not put in the work. So that was so key, what you said. And just to add to that, it's like, OK, when you're deserving of something, you put in the work, right? You've put in what you needed to put in to that point, at that point, for you to even ask for something. But when it's entitlement, if it's entitlement. It's like, okay, where's the work? Maybe your parents put in the work to set you up for where you are, but what are you going to do at this point to make sure that whatever And that's what it is, it's the expectations. And I think people put expectations their own on everybody else. So I expect 90-day review, I'm getting $5 more because I feel like that's a sufficient amount of time. But from the other side of it, is that the reality? Is that like, are you considering what they're doing on their side or what they're expecting of you? You may be saying, I'm exceeding the expectations, but are they seeing it the same way you are? So it's about balancing that. you know, being self-aware. And that kind of goes to relationships, too. You know, same thing. Like, okay, well, I deserve to have flowers once a week because I'm a great Right? Well, I mean, I deserve it, right? I deserve for my husband to bring me home flowers every week. and chocolates and whatever, because I'm a great wife. OK, that's your expectation. I hope you verbalize that, first of all. Second of all is, OK, what about their needs? Are you meeting those needs? Do you feel like they're on the same page as you? Like it is. It's it's got to be it's you kind of like think about I agree. And that is so important, too, because even in therapy, I always ask my clients, you know, especially with, of course, new clients. What are your expectations for therapy? And how do you know or how will you know that I've met those expectations for you? Because everybody's expectations are different. Right. And so, hey, if you're expecting this, then we're going to make sure we hit the mark. Right. If you're expecting here, we're going to make sure we hit the mark or we're going to talk about the inventory. Because I also say I have to make sure that my clients are the right fit for me just as well as I want you to make sure I'm the right therapist. So, I'm just sitting here going, I'm still just going back to that mic drop that the lady boss put in. And I was like, I'm going to have to like take that little piece of the podcast and I'm ready because I love all that stuff because I use it in my classes because anytime I can verbalize it in a way, in a teachable moment, that was perfect. Like, because that is something that nobody can misunderstand, you know, the expectations, the deserve. And it's funny because even when you said that, like, I went sideways because, I mean, you know, one of the things, you know, working with so much of my, you know, ADHD population and everything else, it's like, I saw a little clip and said, and I said it to some of my people because I said, you know, we always feel like we're in trouble. We're always feeling like, because we're always working and trying to capacity. And so when you said deserve, I'm thinking, I haven't thought I deserved any of that. So it's like, even as a personal thing, I was like, deserve? Like, And the thing is, is like, we do deserve things, right? Like, if we're a good human being, we deserve to be treated right. We deserve to have respect, right? Because we're giving that out. We're giving that same out. You know, we're respecting others. We deserve that respect back. But when it comes to entitlement, I feel like in, you know, relationships or workplace, okay, what, like you said, what are you putting in to whatever you're having expectations about? So are you putting in something very positive in your relationship? Let's say your spouse, are you putting in all that stuff into the bank account? Are you, you know, and I am at the emotional bank account, not financial, but like, Are you putting in Absolutely. but are you entitled because you have a ring on your finger? Because, you know, like, no, you have to put in the work and same thing with the workplace. Like you want a certain salary or you want certain privileges being in your, you know, in your position. Okay. Well make sure you have a reasonable expectation and that you're putting in That reminds me of like when I've had like students in my, my therapy room and they'll say, oh, well, you know, my teacher gave me a 79 on my test, but I deserved an eight. There's a difference between the 79 and an 80. Of course, we know that. And I asked him, I go, OK. Your teacher gave you a 79. but she should have given you an 80. What did you do to deserve the 80? Oh, well, it's just, you know, like, no, what did you do to deserve it? You got what you deserve. And so I think that the difference between that is, okay, I deserve the 79 and that's And that's where you have to check yourself and you have to check these people that say things like that, you know, and even with our clients, like, you know, one thing with me is like the first session with them, I'm like, I'm not going to sugar coat anything for you. Like that's not the type of therapist, you know, I may not be all the warm and fuzzy type of therapist that you're looking for. That's what you want. How are you feeling? Yeah, I'm going to tell you, like, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to call you out if I hear you say something like that, that entitlement mentality or people owe me this and owe me that. It's like, what are you putting in to this relationship or Right, right, absolutely. And again, you can't be selfish and happy at the same time. You literally can't. You cannot be selfish and happy at the same time. And to me, again, when we talk about selfish, but we still go down to you know, I'm not gonna go that that's hateful. I think it's hurtful. You know, I'm being selfish because I don't believe anybody's ever going to meet my needs, even though I want it so badly, but because it never happened and I don't know how to ask for it. You know what I mean? So that's my thing too is that, A lot of it is, you know, communication and how you're communicating. And the thing is, is that they may not even have the words because so many times it's like, well, how did I not see that? I go, you weren't there yet. You didn't turn the corner. You were sitting over there. You can't see over there because you're over here. You didn't have a revelation. It was not revealed to you. But they're like, but now I feel so stupid. Why? This is wonderful. This is amazing. But it's like, because some things you guys are so simple, because that's the thing. Nurturing a beautiful baby in the animal kingdom, whatever, even in plants, that's a given, you would think. You know, even way back when I was teaching, you know, help for all this, I said, But you know what? And that brings up another point is that just because you're on there, just because you gave birth to that child does not mean you are entitled to have a relationship with your child. I'm sorry, but like that is not an entitlement anymore. You have to put in the work as a parent. So just because you pushed out a baby and, or you, you know, have the same DNA as your child, that does not mean that that child, when they're 16 or 18 or 25, is going to have a relationship with you. Just because you gave them the basic needs that you were, you were the one who brought them into this world. So you had to give them the basic needs. You fed them, yes, and all that. But there was a lot more needs that you didn't provide to that now adult. And that adult now is not giving you what you think you're entitled Well, certain behavior much? Yeah. Apple, tree. Well, and even again with my clients, again, I go, it is a privilege to be in your life. And that's where so many people don't understand. I said, stop giving away yourself. I said, because you're putting it here, you're putting it there, you're putting it that. Meanwhile, you're full of holes because you're not getting it back. But you put it in places that are never going to be able to give you back because you don't even know what you're needing. But until you understand that whatever I do is mine. And yes, it is a privilege to be with me, to be around me. Time is one of the most precious things that you can give because we don't ever know what we've got. You know, they're so desperate. And it is sad when desperate people do desperate things. And again, it goes back to because they don't even know what it is. They don't even know what it is to be loved, to feel loved, to receive love. And especially, we go into a lot of transactional partnerships or transactional, it's like, but if I do this, then I earn that. No, because that's what you're doing, not what you're being. Your character is your character, and it's a privilege to be with you. And so that's why I say, like, even when it's like, I guess I don't ever think about, like, I deserve that. You know, I don't know. It's just weird. That's a weird word. Y'all got me thinking over here, because I'm like, you know, I just, I think I look at it more in a human, like, just a humanity. And for someone to say, you can't do that, or you don't deserve that, well, maybe You know what I mean? I always think of deserving like the word deserve, meaning like you deserve your basic human life privileges. Like you deserve to have food. Yes, that's what I mean. You deserve to have food. You deserve to have access to shelter. You deserve to have, you know, access to those basic needs. That's what you're deserving for because you're a human on this earth. You deserve to be treated with respect and, you know, all that. no matter what, even if people don't agree with your lifestyle, whatever it is, you deserve to have basic human respect. But that is it, in my opinion. I don't think everybody deserves everything. There are bad people out there like, you know, like murderers and rapists. Like, I'm sorry. Like, I don't think there's a lot of things that they necessarily But I guess maybe that's where I go. But if say that there was a situation, say I was a poor robin from poor whatever. I was in a situation because my environment was terrible and because of a fight or whatever, I ended up killing somebody. So again, so I'm in jail. but do I deserve to be forgiven? Do I deserve to have a great life? Do I deserve to have people pour into me? Do I deserve to That's where I go into like more of that like- Well, you do deserve, that person would deserve to have all that, to be able to get it back. But what are they going to do to now to make things different or to prove that that's not who they were? It was a mistake that they made. versus this is who I am. So the behavior versus who they are as a person. So like, was it like, you know, like manslaughter, right? Like, well, people accidentally killed somebody or, you know, like, OK, they end up in prison. That sucks. That is what happened. And do they deserve to be out and still have a good life because they made a mistake and they acknowledge it and they go, I will do whatever I need to do to be a better person and contribute better to society. Yes, because you're going You're going to put in the work. You're not going to just be like, well, I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to kill him because I was drinking and driving. But, you know, I deserve to be out of here. OK, well, you clearly didn't learn just your statement or your mentality. So I think that's the fine My second class students, they were such a great class because, I mean, all my classes have been great, but they really like, they asked me some tough questions. And I think it was, I had this young man, and it was something along the lines of, if this is the way you were raised, and this is what's going on, and you change, you know, and you really, whatever, do you deserve to have a great life after that? Are you always going to have a secondary life? And I said to me, I think everybody's got the capacity to change. Doesn't always have the same level of change. No. But it is still a a belief that I deserve to be my best person, even if that means I'm gonna be in jail for the rest of my life or whatever, and maybe I didn't know what was going on, it was my environment, but that's what I think it's like when we can take it from the external into the internal, and then say, okay, you know what? I'm in jail, that sucked, I didn't really know better, but this is still my path, and I'm gonna do the best I can to, get a degree, help other people in prison, you know, do whatever. And that's what I'm saying. So, you know, everybody's journey is different, but I still believe that, yes, when, no matter where you are, if you can get back to self revelation, to that bottom thing and go, oh my gosh, and use it And it may be, yeah, you can do more work. It may not feel like somebody else's. Exactly. Yeah, and I've met, like, you know, working with people who have, obviously, that's one of my friends in mental health is I work with so many people who come out of jail or prison and so many of them, you get to know their story. of what happened and where they are now, their mentality has a lot of times changed or they got, they had a lot of mental health issues and they're finally able to have the resources, the connections to get help for those mental health issues that they're like, oh my gosh, I was bipolar. I didn't even know it until I was 25 because I went to jail and I was making these, you know, I was on manic, I guess, states. manic episodes and making these poor decisions and now I'm medicated now I'm like completely different I look back and I want to change how can I do that I have a record now okay well that's where I come in I do want you to get the help and you know do all the right things and all that those are the people that are deserving Yes. Of a second chance. They're deserving of, you know, being respected and not looked at as, oh, that's a felon. That's, that's the best. It's like, no, they, they made some really bad decisions. They acknowledge it and they acknowledge that they needed help that they didn't get. that's different than coming out of jail and not giving a shit and be like, I'm going to go steal tomorrow because you know what? I have no money and I'm entitled to that chicken sandwich. Like I'm going to go get it. Like that's the difference between, no, you really don't deserve that because you don't even, No, that's not the reality. And just like you see all these videos now of these people that are stealing from stores because they feel like no one can touch me and I'm going to go in because it's under a thousand dollars or whatever it is in certain states now, like, and they're entitled to it because they're like, well, you know, they don't need the money because it's Ulta beauty and they are just so rich. They don't need that money. They That mentality is what's screwing up our generation. These kids and these actually adults that But also, here's the thing. And again, we know that everybody's got a different thing. And we know that a lot of people are really struggling. We know that. But why aren't people acting like that? Because they're allowed to. yes we're giving them when you say oh you can't touch them under this well you just gave a pass for you know what i mean because and and again that is the sad part and even with that people go oh well you know these people these people i go but you again you have no idea where these people are but if that is I'd be there too. I'd be like, Oh my God, y'all see this? Because I'm going to work this and this is what I'm pretty good at. I can go get under this. You know? And, and it is sad because it's like, again, there's been, this has been a constant, you know, like, trying to fit around people's ideology and we have to do no moral code ethics standards like it's different we have to have laws we have unfortunately over several years It's all blurred. He blurred the lines over what is moral, what is ethical. And so that has given people, you know, the- A pass. A pass. A free pass. And you know, here's the thing. Can you blame them? Think about it. If, you know, I'm a single mom and let's say I've got five or six kids and I don't have any of this and I live in a whatever. If you tell me I can go to Ulta and I mean, I've fallen. They're like, you know what? I don't want to go to my 95 job. I'm just going to go every other week to Ulta and steal $1,000 worth of stuff and sell it, And that's what I'm saying. I mean, is it like, we look down or we go, that's a great entrepreneur type thing? Right? Just because you couldn't doesn't mean you should. And I know. And that's what I say. Is that where that moral compass comes again? It's not right. Right. If it's not there. And that's true. But but OK, it's not there. But there are. Resources, supports that you would reach out for it. And that's what I'm saying. Cause that's what I'm really trying to get this. Cause we're talking about this. Cause everybody, I think, again, when we talk about labels, everybody looks at it, but, but, but, but, but I go, what if you didn't even know? And that's what I'm saying is that we literally have societies, we've got families, we've got stuff that, because we talk about in class, we were talking about like social, like privileges and stuff. Everybody wants to run out. I go, but what does that mean? I go, because here's the thing. Everybody wants to point point. I go, but what if it's not even in your world? Like it's not even there. So it's like, you wouldn't even know what it's I think that's what I'm saying. Is common sense so common anymore? No, but there's still some sense in common. I like that. There has to be something there. There's something there that a seed that can be planted, okay, that can grow. And you don't always have to get it from one person or one group. You have to want it. There has to be that little common sense little thing in there, that little mechanism in there. It grows. based on who Right. Open. To getting that. Right. Like, I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to, okay, I don't want to live, you know, this way. I know that I've been raised to live this way. Or, you know, maybe people, when you come out of poverty and that's all you know, you have this poverty mindset. It's like, I don't want to live that way anymore because I've seen what it's done to my family. So I want to be better or I want to do better. Not that it's nothing against your parents, but I want to do better. I don't want to live like that. It was hard. It was painful. So I'm going to do different. There's something in there that says different is in reach. And then you start to reach out to the resources. Oh, you know, I'm a Chief Scout, so I love this Then I'm going to talk to us because that's what I say, because again, and this is where I say you cannot be selfish and happy at the same time. And this is where I talk about that. Well, deserving. I'm always a you give without expectations. Every single time I encounter somebody, something, someplace, whatever I'm saying. There you go. I'm playing on seeds. And that's what I'm saying. So yes, there is that side. And everybody's like, but how do we change that? I go, by being who we are. We're fighting a different game here. I said, but we cannot look at them and say then, oh, they're entitled. Oh, they don't deserve. Oh, that's just them. Well, of course it's them because that's something we know. but we need nobody to do better. So I'm still going to say just like what you did, but again, that's, it's like, everybody has a responsibility in this, you know? And that's the thing. That's where I think that this happened. It is sad that the divide is now in a place where everybody's worked so hard to unblur the lines. And now it's just like, I don't even think they're blurred anymore. I think it's so, I mean, it's just, you know, like I said, you I mean, there's so much separation and it's, heartbreaking, you know, and that's why I say, but I will always be the one to say, hey, we're going to talk about it, you know, and we're going to talk about it in a very safe, developmentally correct, you know, whatever. And it might be, I said, Right. And how many times have we all have had clients come back and say, you know what? And you've said it before. It's something that you said, TJ. that really made me think, right? Or their mentalities start to change when they're in session week after week after week. You start to see the growth or you start to see the change. And I see it a lot, especially with my women clients, I see it a lot. That where they start to believe in themselves, they don't accept the mediocre, they have this, I can do it. I can live better than this, or I can be better than this. I can do it. I don't have to stay in this situation. I don't have to stay in this environment. I know who I am. And they start to rise. And then they're eventually, they are above that. But they know, because the seed has been planted. They come back to therapy. You're watering that seed. The plant is growing. And all of a sudden, it has poked through the soil. And it's like, hey, I'm And now it has revealed itself. It has revealed itself. And that's the thing. And so I know you, I was like, she's like, oh, Lord, here she goes. But that's what I want because so many times too, I think when we were talking about before, like even like professionals and they start to look down and I'm Well, I mean, and, and, you know, to think about it too, is like, what do we do to help change that mentality? You know, we talk about, yes. And we talk about, you know, helping each individual clients. Well, if they're not our clients, what we could do, like to give our listeners is like, you know, putting up boundaries. I think that's one big one. boundaries, and then also, you know, knowing what you deserve versus what you're entitled to. Absolutely. And being very self-aware. It's like, okay, what are you putting out that you expect in as well? So what you're giving out, I think that is And also what you don't deserve. What you don't deserve. I don't deserve this. Right. Because we teach them how to treat us. Absolutely. And listen, I understand you're having a rough day, but I do not deserve for those behaviors to come at me. So differentiation of self, I love you, I'm not liking your behavior. So I'm going to remove myself from the situation because I know now that I don't deserve to be spoken to that way, to be treated that way. They're not seeking that authority. So a lot of it is understanding what you do deserve, but also what you don't. Yes. Well, my little boundary thing is the B is believe in your worth and own your agency. And so like when you go further down to like the R-I-E-S, it's you know, you know, exit when not respected. It's like if you're and you can let people know, hey, I don't feel that we're we have mutual respect and, you know, I'm bowing out gracefully or I'm exiting because there is no respect coming from you back to me, you Right. Because I'm always looking at my ladies, my kids, wherever protection first protection. Are you safe? Are you safe? You have to be safe. Is that I don't like who I am in this position right now. I do not want to do anything to hurt you, so I'm going to, you know what I mean? Instead of even like, oh, like that you are. Well, I mean, we can say that, but sometimes it's like. But I get it, and you're right, you're putting it on you. And at the end of the day, because a lot of times we know, don't fuel the gun, don't put the ammunition in there. It's, you know what, I don't want to be ugly to you. I'm going to go ahead and go because I don't ever want to do that in somebody else. Absolutely. And Yeah. And I think, too, like, you know, when I when I say self-awareness and self-reflection, too, of the entitlement is like, how far has that mentality gotten you? So looking, you know, You can't change them if you don't have knowledge, right? And you can't, if something's not working, then you gotta change something. So if you have been told, or you're acting like everyone owes you everything, and how has that worked out for you? Is that working out for you? Because it doesn't sound like it because you're so angry that not everyone is giving you what you want. And if you notice that, like the most entitled people I have come in contact with are the most angry. They're so angry at everyone else. It's everyone else's problem. It's poor me. They're just angry. And I'm like, OK, so obviously something's not working out for you. If you feel like you've been so like you know, people are out to get you or you're just not getting what you feel like You need to fix it. So, and that's one thing too, is people just need to check themselves more because I think this entitlement is Yeah, and that's true. And that's why we definitely teach or try to teach, you know, self-development. Like, I'm all about self, like self, self-reflection, self-development, self-worth. Look inside and see what it is in you that every time you are, you know, in a situation or in a relationship or, you know, as you were saying, that you're the So there's something in you that is still that you need to, like, turn inwardly and just say, what is it about me? Maybe I need to work on me a little bit more. And there's nothing wrong with that, because we all are going through a self-development journey every five years or You know, and that anger that you're talking about and that anger that I'm saying that I see, it is that secondary emotion. That's not really how that is, not really how they feel. They're just expressing it in anger. So, okay, where's that coming from? Obviously, it could be the unmet needs, it could be hurt, it could be whatever it is, But it also anchors projectable. I'm giving it to you because I can't even get there because my onion is so, you know, and I'm not allowed. And that's the thing, especially with our men. Can't be afraid, can't be hurt, be a man, be a man, be a man. And these poor men are just like, you know, what, what, what? And so when we start to go, okay, who hurt you? Oh, that, yeah, that opens up endless thoughts. I'm fine, I'm fine, everything's fine. Yeah, yeah, everything, you know, and so, and that's what I'm saying, a lot of times with my sweet babies and even with myself, you know, because there's so many times, especially when you start to have that like, that revelation within yourself of, oh my gosh, like this person, and you start to get mad because you start to be like, how did they do that? How did I let them do this to me? And I go, but you didn't know. I go, and neither did they. I go in a lot of times when people But even if you did know, give yourself grace, but move, move past it. You know what I mean? Like sometimes you do know and you just, you know, and it's okay. Forgive yourself, show Well, they just, okay, well, do they know? Have you said anything to them? Right. True. Yeah. So what is still going on in you that you don't even believe that you deserve to be treated better? You know, and they, they don't, they know. And a lot of times it's that, and I'm afraid of the, you know, and it's the something over here that happened that you keep bringing in because we know fears, behavior change, and we know that all of that, and our brains don't always understand that this experience is not that, because we're in that fight, flight, thaw, and freeze, you know, that warping, everything's happening. And we go back to, oh my God, that had nothing to do with here, but it's a trauma response. Daddy, mommy, husband, wife, kids, mommy, Well, I mean, overall, I think we've hit some really good things today. And if you are, you know, see anybody that is like expressing that entitlement mentality, you know, keep it in mind. Like, yes, is it unmet needs or is it really the narcissism? Just remember that everyone is an onion. Like you said, an onion. We all cry sometimes. Sometimes they smell worse than others. Well, have love on you. So, you know, just putting up your boundaries, being self-aware, checking yourself. I think those are all really key things to make sure that, you know, All right. Well, thank you all for listening. And