This is Why 99% of People Can't Build Healthy Relationships | Therapists Unhinged Ep.10

In this episode of Therapists Unhinged, we tackle the intricate dynamics of relationships and the impact of our past experiences on our present interactions. We kick off the conversation by acknowledging that no partner will fulfill 100% of our needs, and we often project our unmet childhood needs onto our relationships.

Throughout the episode, we emphasize the importance of self-awareness and understanding our own expectations before seeking a partner. We discuss the concept of trauma bonding and how individuals may choose partners based on past experiences rather than genuine compatibility.

Communication emerges as a key theme, as we explore the necessity for both partners to express their needs and boundaries openly. We also highlight the difference between chemistry and compatibility, urging listeners to reflect on what constitutes a healthy relationship for them.

As therapists, we share our insights and experiences, encouraging our audience to engage in self-acceptance and personal growth. We remind listeners that a successful relationship is built on mutual respect and understanding, and that true fulfillment comes from recognizing our own worth as complete individuals. Join us for an unhinged yet enlightening discussion on navigating the complexities of love and connection!

Transcript

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Not every partner is going to have 100% of everything Sometimes people choose partners based on what they think they need. Maybe their fathers weren't there for them and they're trying to meet a need that Hello, hello, welcome. We 10 for the win. Feeling Yes. So today we're going to be talking all about relationships. We're going to be talking about, you know, Hey, you got to be unhinged but honest to our viewers. So I'll go ahead and jump in and start. One of the big things that I know we see a lot of when we're doing couples work, and even just relationships in general, is not acknowledging that our past has to do with how we view relationships. Acknowledging that not only our childhood, but our environment, things that we have gone through, you know all that is the self-awareness piece yes so i see just a lot of people not understanding why they're having failed relationship after failed relationship you know and then when you dig a little deeper you know it's either okay what kind of relationships did you see growing up you know what kind of relationships what do you want what do you what are your expectations you know so i don't know about you guys what do All of it, all of it. And it's funny because you got to be a different type of person who couples work. And I love it because a lot of times it is just, love my psychoeducation, you can't change what you don't understand. And even yesterday in class, we were talking about conditioning. And I said, there's the frog story. And I said, and even in family therapy, there's conditioning and everybody's got their language and everybody's conditioned. So, so many times they're operating from limbic brain, emotions, because they know each other so well. But a lot of times what they don't understand is that they're also, everybody's very conditioned into responses. And even though they've got a system, their pattern of behaviors are maladaptive. And a lot of times they don't see it. They really don't. And that's what I've really come in. And so I say it's great because I get to be objective. They're subjective, I'm objective. So I'm sitting back and sometimes I'm looking and I'm watching and I go, okay. And I get to know, because I do a lot of individual plus couples work, which a lot of people don't do, but Because I'm like, okay, you're showing up this way here, you're showing up this way there, but in relationships, that is not what's happening. And so sometimes, and even as therapists, you've got to be a little bold to do, because I know you love it, and TJ, I know you've done it, you haven't done it lately, but you know, sometimes I'm like, oh, I know, and I didn't even want to touch relationship works, you know, back in the day, but I mean, couples work, but now I do love it I mean, and I do, I like it. I didn't say love. I like it and I will get back to it. But because I realized too, from my own perspective of doing couples work, there's three brains in the room, three voices, three brains. And sometimes it's hard to make that connection with both you know, the partners in the rooms really make that connection and, and, and make it stick because it's like they get it in there and then they go out in the real world and their places where they live or whatever. Um, and then they come back and it's like, okay, what happened last week? Like what page were you guys, you guys were on the same page when you left here, what happened? And so that was a lot of the reason why it's like, let me step back a little bit and just kind of regroup and revisit couples at another time. Because it is, it's hard work. It's definitely hard work. And you have to have that skill to actually do it. You And you're doing two people, you're doing also the relationship. And, you know, I know one thing with therapists is like, we have to think of the couple as the unit. You're not looking at individual. So it's like, we always say like, okay, you have to have individual therapy as well, because you have to have that self-awareness insight in your role in the relationship. It can't just be about your partner's issues. It's a joint effort. You know, and a lot of things, too, that I see in, like, let's say the younger ones, maybe not necessarily marriage, but, like, if individuals are coming to us and they're having all these relationship issues or, you know, they're failing and they don't understand why, diving deeper, okay, what is your idea of a partner? What is something that you see as a healthy relationship? Sometimes You know, and then diving into like, okay, is it just chemistry or is it compatibility? Because there's a I take it back to, again, you cannot have a healthy relationship if you do not have a healthy relationship with yourself. Absolutely. Like, absolutely not. And, you know, of course, we've seen this, oh, we're looking for people to, you complete me. No, you don't. No, you don't. I'm a whole, complete, autonomous, psychological being. You don't complete me. I enjoy you. Complement me. I don't need you. I choose you. Right. And that's a big difference. That is so true. You know, because when we break it down and I do a ton with fear and love, because you can't be in both at the same time, I'm like, but fear is need, attachment, love is choice and connection. And that's the thing. A lot of times what I have noticed is that they really don't know. They don't even understand or even see how they're, well, like one person, oh, they're complaining, but they're also creating the situation, you know, and that's it. And that self-fulfilling, you know, prophecy of like, you know, I do not want to be rejected. I do not want to be abandoned. And so I'm going to double down and I'm going to be everything so you can't abandon me or reject me. but you end up being abandoned and rejected because you're too much. It's because you're making it about somebody else. And it's funny, because I also do a lot on pressure. And I go, are you hearing, like, listen, hold on, are you hearing what you're doing and all the pressure that you're, that's just a little person. You're a little person, that's a little person. You're a guy, you're a girl, you're a girl, whatever it is. I go, why are you putting that pressure on them, but you're not doing it yourself? So I do a lot of that, like coming back over here, hold on, let me hear, wait, slow down, you know, and in the beginning, it was interesting because it was terrifying. It was terrifying, you know, people were just, because it is, it's It's raw, and it's emotional, and they're hurting. And you're sitting back going, do I let it go? Do I not? Do I navigate? And so I think even with therapists, you've got to really know who you are, too. And I know, like you were saying, you never did it, and I was just kind of like, I felt like I was 12, and I was starting to go, I don't know what I'm doing here. But now it's like, Yeah, and you can see the different dynamics and the constant like same almost like situations that come up in relationships like the same thing like they don't communicate with me, they don't do anything that I need or that I want or they don't, why do I have to, one big thing I see with women is why do I have to tell them? that I need this help. Why do I have to tell him that? The communication, and we can't read minds. And, you know, same thing as the guy. Why do I have to tell her that I want to have sex? Why do I have to say I need sex or whatever? It's like, okay, well, what You know, and I think to sometimes people carry in a new relationship, they carry old stuff from in a new relationship, right? Be it good or bad, you know, like the expectations that you have for your previous relationship may not be the same for this one. So I think communication is definitely a big, you know, it plays a big, huge part of a relationship. I remember I, you know, because I do see the individual clients who are in relationships and sometimes that comes in the room. And I always say, you know, relationships are like jobs. You interview for them. What are your expectations? I love Absolutely. You interview your partner or your partner that you expect to be your partner. You interview that person. Let them interview you. What do you like? What don't you like? How do you communicate? When's enough enough? So, but I do believe that you carry, sometimes you pack that same hurt bag and you drop it right in the center of a new relationship. And then you expect it to either go the way the one did in certain aspects, or you expect things to just be, you know, Different. Yeah, You made me think of one thing too. Is that some people to like on the let's say people are contemplating divorce and they're not sure if this is gonna continue to work out or they're ever gonna be happy and And then they think, well, you know, I'm getting some, that's where the attention, like the emotional fair sometimes come in and they're like, oh, well, I'm getting attention from so and so. And this, I'm always thinking, you know, I don't remember where I heard this. It was many years ago, but someone said it and it's so true. It's like, we usually want 70% of like the person is 70% let's say the person that we marry of everything we want but that 30% that we don't have that that person doesn't have we're gonna seek that 30% out and other things well that guy he's showing me attention at the gym he's telling me I'm beautiful he's doing this because my husband doesn't ever tell me I'm beautiful So we're seeking out just that what you think you're missing, but you're actually looking at the small percentage versus the 70% that you're actually getting at home. So he could be a provider, a good father. you know there for you doesn't cheat doesn't do all these things but you know what he's kind of lazy or you know he doesn't read your mind and do like take out the trash or just offer to cook for you bring you flowers but then this other guy's like oh baby i bring you flowers or takes you on some wine and dine you. And then that starts to get in the cycle. And I've seen this before. It's like they're seeking out. And I'm like, okay, when you break it down and people come to us and they're like, obviously it's confidential and stuff. And it's like, you know, I'm talking to this guy, I'm married and stuff. And I like, I don't, I don't judge them obviously like, Hey, you're in this situation for a reason, but let's break it down. What is it that you're seeking out? And it always comes down to if you break it down, what your husband's giving you, And then with this other person, they're giving you that small percentage, those things that your husband, what if your husband, have you communicated exactly what you need from him? Have you, you know, done the therapy work? So it's funny, like you made me think of that is that I noticed that that is very common. And even in my own marriage, marriages, it's like, You think about that sometimes. It's like, man, this guy, he's not, like, not ambitious like I am. I really want an ambitious man. And then, you know, oh, but damn, like, he's actually a really good husband. He's a good father. He's a good provider. He's good at all this. Am I seeking out just that one little thing that my husband doesn't have? So you have to think like, not every partner is gonna have 100% of You're not even 100% of everything they want. You're not, exactly. And that's the thing. I was self-awareness, right? I was waiting for the opening. Right, it's so true because we want so much from our partners and we're not willing to give the same thing to ourselves. first. That's the bottom line. And when, and I was like hearing your language and you say seeking out, I'm like, why? Why are we seeking anything from anybody else? And that's where I go. I go again and I say, and a lot of it too is, you know, we see things as we are, you know, not as who they are. And that's a thing. So of course, you know, and, and, you know, I know y'all's relationship, you know, I know your significant others and everything. And it's funny because I think Nella, if you were married to you, Lord Jesus. You know what I mean? Don't even ask, don't even say it to me. I'll divorce myself. And that's what I'm saying. Sometimes I'm like, oh, okay, no, thank you. Because I'm a piece of work. I'd be fighting myself every day. But think about it. Now, and here's the thing. And it's like, it's when we're under stress, because, you know, I teach the vulnerability stress model. And where do we go? Because that's that whole bell curve. And so we're all good. We're like, well, we were fine. We were good. What chapter are we on? What page are we on? Well, we were good there, but things are happening, people are losing jobs, you get in a car accident, and the kid this and kid this. Well, and here's the thing, everybody starts to go into their maladaptive, their, you know, some people go anxiety, some people go avoidance, and we can talk about attachment styles, you know, and then what happens is that if you don't know that within yourself, you double down on that. And that pattern of behavior is still here, but you've got anxiousness coming after you and avoidantness running the other way. And you go, but he and she and she, and I go, yeah, but you guys are really good at it. You're really good at it. Cause this is a pattern of behavior and that's what I'm saying. And so, but it really, but, but we were good yesterday. Well, you guys were on the beach. having a cocktail in the water. There was no stress, you know, and that's the thing. Or, you know, and I'm talking about stress because I'm like, there's distress and there's you stress, but there's stress is stress, you know? Oh, well, you know, we're not doing so I think we're going to have a baby. I'm like, Please don't, don't even get a dog. Don't get a... How about not even a hermit crab at this point in time? Can we please not? I mean, and that's what I'm saying, but everybody keeps thinking it's out there. And I go, no, no, baby, like what's going on here? And so I always use, especially when I'm working with couples that have kids, And I love, this is one of my favorite analogies. I go, think about it like this, because it's always the, you know, well, we, and the why, and the how come, and I go, think about it like this. I said, your child, God forbid, I hate putting it in the universe, but something happened with your child. You're not thinking, did that child do his homework today? Did that child, you know, you're thinking, oh my gosh, how fast can I get to that kid? You know, what are we going to do? We want to do whatever we can to love that baby and support that baby and show up for that baby. Because we know that that's our child and we are so confident in that. I said, but when you have your partner, The first thing that happens instead of going, what can I do for you? It's, oh, the last time I said that, or the last time this happened, I got hurt. So I don't want to be hurt again. So I'm not gonna, mm, my confident, and you know, and so we start to back off. And I wanted to bring my picture in, because y'all know the picture I have in my office, you know, with the two partners looking away and the inner child. we're all operating from the inner child. When you talk about, yeah, I'm like, we gotta get to the root. We We gotta acknowledge that piece of our past. And I get it. A lot of people don't wanna go backwards. They wanna go like, a lot of people aren't ready to dig deeper and say, yes, I had a horrible, and I just saw a horrible marriage with my parents, or whatever it was. It's like, okay, but that is still a part of you. It's still who, it shaped who you were, how your brain developed if it was young, a young age. You know, what is it that you see? And then like, like I said, there are patterns, like, you know, young women or young men that are like, oh, no, failed relationship. Okay, let's see the similarities with all these relationships. They're all ending the same way. They're all starting the same way. you know, they have some of the same traits. Okay, so there's something there, let's connect the dots. And it's like, once they do that work, and you know, I've done even that, my work, you know? You know, I was divorced and, you know, I got married extremely young, too young, and didn't know who I was, and didn't know why I chose, you know, the person I chose. And, you know, in hindsight, I was like, I didn't even know who I was at that time. So, but doing the work later on of why I made those choices in that young age, and even now, even when I started to date again, why I was picking, you know, before I met my husband, the same type of man, the same patterns and the same type of like, you know, why am I doing this? And I didn't understand it. And I think that's why I love relationship work now is because I also get it from a personal perspective of not knowing and picking the wrong person and seeing patterns or not even knowing that I'm having a Sometimes it is a trauma bond because sometimes people choose partners fathers, you know, especially women, maybe their fathers weren't there for them. And they're trying to meet a need that was never met, but they're trying to meet that need in their partner. So sometimes it is trauma bonding. I have clients who are, you know, who have gone through that and who have said, well, you know, I just chose, I was ready to get out of my parents' house or I was ready, you know, to have a partner for my children, you know? So a lot of times we don't really think about what we need We Yes. And then what would you say, like, are signs of, like, that this, like, you may be in patterns of a trauma bond Well, I mean, I would say, like, especially if you are in the dating, you know, like if you're dating, you know, sometimes it's, We choose men that we've, okay, you take the lead. You know, you take the lead. Like we lose our voice. Like, I think that's one of the ones you, you, you, you don't know how to find your voice or you're afraid to find your voice because you're afraid that the relationship may go like sour. You know what I mean? try to explain a little bit better. You know, like you're choosing a partner who just taking the lead. They're like, you're afraid to speak up. You're afraid to set your boundaries. Maybe you don't know what those boundaries are, but you're afraid to set boundaries and you just go with the flow. And I don't, you know, I don't, I don't, that's not a good thing to just go with the flow. You should be able to set boundaries. You should be able to say what you want and what you don't want, how this has worked, how this hasn't worked, you know? And so that you can have your, you show up too. So I think oftentimes, you know, if you're in that phase of, or that state of disarray, or I Well, and again, it's, I love, I love hearing just the different take, because, you know, again, we're in our rooms, we're doing our stuff, you know, we're all coming from different backgrounds. And now let me just ask you, when you're talking about that Are you in like a, give me like an age bracket, because I do a lot of work with the younger people, and that just sounds a little bit more, is that like with Just in individuals who are married or who are, just started dating again. I have a client who just started dating again after not dating for a few years, and she was telling me, she was like, I don't know what to say, like, I don't want to be too much, so I pull back a little bit. You know, I don't want to run him off, so I pull back a little bit. Now let me ask real quick, what do you say? Because I know exactly what I'm saying. I say show up and be who you are. Okay. Show up and be who you are. Set your boundaries. Listen to what his boundaries is. Compromise a little bit. Give or take a little bit. But don't lose yourself because you've lost yourself in other relationships. No, because we've talked. You've lost yourself in so many different relationships. And now it's your time to show up because you've done the work the last couple of years. If that's a partner that can't understand that because you went through this healing process, then that may not be the partner that you need See, and I'm listening to language and they always say, well, you know, what if, what I go, you're not ready. Cause that's fear. And so, and it's funny cause I was working with a young lady and you know, twenties and that's, I was asking demographics because, and I know we, we were talking about just the dating world nowadays is, you know, all I hear is, you know, oh, this and situationships and attachments and ghosting. I'm like, well, it's ghosting because it's not real. They're illusions. All these young people are so third person, nobody's connecting, you know? And so it's like, you don't even, you see a picture, you post, it's, it ain't real. I'm like, stop, you know? I mean, but it is sad because they really don't know how or ways to even meet very many people anymore. You know what I mean? But it's not working. It's not working. And, you know, we're seeing, you know, constant just change over, change over. And I'm again, I'm like, but again, I go and I was working with this young lady and and this I thought was really goes where you are, because a lot of my, you know, they're always laughing because first thing they say again is like, yeah, well, you know, but what if whatever it is? And I just say, you're not ready, because what if? is fear. And anytime you lead with fear, because however you start a relationship is where you're going to keep a relationship. You start with what if they don't, well, then you're not ready because you're already looking for validation from somebody else. I go, instead of saying, what if, what if we said, even if, and this is the thing, even if this date doesn't go well, even if this isn't my person, even if I'm terrified and my shoe breaks and you know, whatever, I get food poisoning, I'm gonna show up for me instead of what if he's not okay? What if she wants too much? What if he's, no, it doesn't matter because I think when you see what if, that's when you're putting so much power into somebody else. Why? Because wherever you put your power, you put your energy. And I also think You know if when you're ready, when you've healed, you know what But again, remember you can't heal relationally individually. So that's what I'm saying. When you show up, it's, well, even if I'm showing up because I want a good relationship and I'm still struggling, but you know what? Even if this one is not right, I'm And I'm going to be okay. You know, and that's what I'm saying. So a lot of even with that language is just the what, what we can, what if ourselves a death, you know, but again, it's like, even if this is not great. Because it may not be great. And it may be great, but then you go, and even if it's 70%, I'm going to sit back and take a pause. And you know, but that's what I'm saying. Just changing that in your brain. you walk in showing up because it's about you, That's what I say, show up for you, be you. Right. And you know, you made me think too, Robin, is like, you know, the fear is a lot of people fear being alone. It's usually a lot of abandonment that I see at some point in their life. They fear being alone. And it's like, well, where does that fear come from? And if you fear being alone, then you're definitely not in the right relationship. And it's that you should want to have that person with you, not that you need that person with you. And when I thought a little bit more about the trauma bonding that I've seen a lot is the cycles of domestic violence as well is, you know, they go through these cycles of, in a relationship of, you know, physical or emotional abuse or financial abuse, which is a big thing. And they're abused and then that person is, love bombs them, the love bombing, and I'm so sorry, here's flowers, here's this, do you want me to take you out? And then they're back in that cycle. So it's a trauma bond. That's a part of a pattern. of behavior of a trauma bond because it's like, I don't know if you guys have ever, you've got to hear Eminem's song with, what's her name, Rihanna, that old song where they're like, I love you, I hate you. And it's like, they fight and then they don't, and it's like a really deep song. And it's about basically, yeah, you're fighting and then you're saying, I can't live without them, but I love them. But then they can punch you in the face the next day or they can verbally abuse you or they can steal your money or whatever it is. And it's like, that's a trauma bond. That's not love. And I see that in a lot of, and I know that, you know, working with, you know, victims of domestic violence is, is I've seen that pattern too, which is so unhealthy. They've created, you know, they've created this pattern Right. But that's because they don't know who they are. Right. Well, and they don't even know what love is. Right. And they don't, they don't understand their voice or Because even if that person treats them like shit, they're like, I'm okay. I'll be okay. Because at least I have someone that loves me. This is them loving me. They tell me that they love me. They love bomb me. They, you know, all that, but they're not saying it. And Well, and it's also when we go back to development and the psychosocial development of, you know, and we have the power and control wheel. I know, you know, you use that when we talk about it. And this is where, and I mean, sometimes, you know, it's heartbreaking when I have teens or, you know, and you know, the family, you know, like I said, I do a lot with the family systems and you know, what's going on in the family. And then you'll have a young person or even, you know, whatever. And they go, well, at least he didn't hit me. Or at least or hey, Dr. Robin. Is this domestic violence if. And I said, anytime, anytime somebody is hurting you to gain control, that And here's the thing. And so we're talking about relationships. And of course we're talking about intimate, interpersonal, but there's friendships and there's parents and anytime it's, yes. And I'm always that too is like, Okay, they may love you and i'm not gonna tell you they don't i'm not gonna tell you how to know but are they operating from that because you know and then i go okay what what is love because again we go okay love and fear and i know i've said this before present the same fears behavior change and then we attach emotions to it and so a lot of times we don't understand what is fear what is love because we always go to that you know and so it's like when somebody doesn't even understand and they go but he did this or she And that's where they don't even, sometimes people don't understand what's their Yeah, exactly. This is what love is. If you could just like take it, like completely take this relationship out of the picture Is that what that person's showing up then? Is that person then the definition of your version of love? And like having people kind Well, and then even again, like nobody can treat you better than you treat yourself, plain and simple. And as long as you continue to beat yourself up, you have just allowed everybody else. And one of my favorite quotes, even when I was a little kid, Eleanor Roosevelt said, nobody can or what is it? You know, nobody can make you feel any That's true. I do share that, too. And you said something earlier and I've shared with my clients, too. you are in a relationship with yourself first. If you don't know what you like, what you don't like, what you're going to tolerate, what your boundaries are, you can never tell somebody else how to treat you. We teach people how to treat us. You know what I mean? We teach people what we're willing to accept and what we're not willing to accept, what we're going to do and what we're not going to do. Because if you don't, you give them the ability to choose for you. And sometimes we do that. There it is where your voice doesn't show up and it's like, well, you know what? Well, at least he loves me. You know, yeah, well, you know what? He told me he cheated, but you know, at least he came home last night. At least he's calling me. And those become acceptable because we don't teach people how to treat us. Well, because again, we don't know how to treat us. You have to learn. And that's the thing. That's a part of it. And I just, you know, and it's funny because, you know, I work so much, you know, so many of my clients and, you know, personally neurodivergent when the emotional dysregulation, you know, everything. So you really don't understand emotions for so long. And you just said it, it's like when we don't understand it because we're insatiable learners, we're problem solvers. we don't even know how to communicate it. So it's like, we continue and we dehumanize. And so it's like, okay, but I did this, expect that. Yesterday we talked about causation and correlation, which we know that is not true. If this, then that, I said, but it's not. Because again, it's a human experience, you know? And it, you know, sometimes again, we put our beliefs and our expectations, well, we did this, Why didn't, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. When you want to give something, you give without expectations. When you give it that as a gift, whatever they do with it, you don't get to say anything about that anymore. And so it's like, if they take all of that and you go, and I've, and I've actually heard this well, well, I just know like if I divorce him or if I divorce her, you know, the next person is going to get all the gifts that I gave them. And you know, they're why like you know and we do we get very warped and just what we think you know what we think like we deserve that's something that i would say you know what let's say you did let's say that you set up your your wife for success let's say you gave them everything they got the house they got everything in the divorce and all that where is that going to put you are you strong enough to believe that even if you gave them let's say in your heart you know that you set them up for success they'll be totally fine and good are you going to be good You did that once, you were able to give and give and give and give, right? So what makes you think that you won't be able to be happy and do it again for someone else? Like, no, like you'll be able to. So it's like thinking like, okay, maybe you're right. If I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, your soon-to-be ex-wife will have everything under the sun. But you know what? You're going to be fine, aren't you? Like you'll be okay. Yeah, exactly. Something to think about. You made me think, too, before, when you said something about, like, the what-if. I thought about these young people dating and they're not saying no. They're not saying, no, I don't want to, I don't want a relationship, but they're not saying yes either. So that's the situation. Or it's complicated or I'm not ready. It's not you with me, like all these old things, but it's like, if they're not saying yes, I want you and I want to be They're not committed yet. So, it's like stop this cycle or waiting game of waiting for them to be ready and giving them all that they want. So, like if you're sleeping around with this guy, let's say because you really want them and you think that they're dating you and stuff like, but you're confused of where the relationship is. It's like if you're confused, then it's a no. If they're giving you those mixed signals, then it's a no. Move past it because what are you getting from that? Obviously, They're not giving you what you want, which is a relationship. And they haven't told you, yes, I'm going to commit to you. I want you. This is like a good thing for me. So Mm hmm. That's what I'm saying, because I'm like, gray is gray. You know, we've got 50 shades. Oh, and they're making books and everything else. But no, if he if she and and, you know, it is it really does. And I break down like You're in the headlines. So you said several times and I agree. Sometimes we, the way we choose partners, male or female, the way we choose our partners is oftentimes we choose what we don't want because we don't know ourselves that well. Tell our listeners how, what's the first step in knowing yourself or, you know, you know, being self-aware of yourself so that you can, you know, grow in a relationship with So it's funny because I was asking Nell, I said, you know, I was doing this little like assessment type thing. And if we have time at the end, it's kind of fun. And a lot of times one is just, you know, working with athletes, working with students, always doing psychoeducation. I'm like, you know, one, you know, the only constant in our life is change. And so many people are like, but I don't want change, and I don't like this, and I don't like that. And we're always telling ourselves what we don't like. I said, what do you like? What do you like? I said, what are you operating from? Why do you keep saying, you know? But again, I'm like, you gotta get real with yourself. I said, you have to get real with yourself, and you gotta meet yourself where you are right now. And you know, a lot of people, I think, start to look at the outside pressure as far as like, okay, now I'm, done with high school and I'm done with college and it's time to get married. Or, you know, a lot of times it's like, okay, but isn't this what I'm supposed to do? And I'm like, I don't know. What do you, I mean, and so I think it's always, I always say, okay, but what do you want to do? Who are you? And, and it's funny that you ask that because even the young lady that I was working with, she, you know, came off with, you know, my parents have been married 50 years, you know, and I see that and I want that. But, here we know anything but after anything is a justification. And I go, period. You want that. I go, but you just put limitations on yourself. So you don't even, one, believe it's true. Two, it's attainable. Three, you're limiting yourself. And so you are gonna find those people in the frequency from which you're operating. So you can't get upset. I would say, listen, if you're the little princess in the palace, which is great, awesome, own it. That's who you are. Okay. That's who you are. But you want to go down and hang around with the workers. Cool. But you can't get upset when workers act like workers. So you gotta figure out like, okay, but if you don't, I mean, you know what I mean? And so I think a lot of times too is that self-acceptance is accepting all of you. There's a lot of things we don't like about ourselves. Okay, doesn't mean they're not there. And if you are not facing them and addressing them, they're gonna show up in ways that are maladaptive. And even like when you talk about we're choosing, once you get to understand yourself, and again, athletes, it's so funny, elimination of fear, when you get to understand that and you go, okay, this is what I've done before, I don't wanna do that again, and you get real with yourself, then you meet somebody and go, hey, Dr. Robin Cormack, nice to meet you. Oh, I love this. And you know, wow, yeah. Well, this is why I just know where I am. And I know I struggle in this area. And I know sometimes even in arguments, I tend to get a little, you know, non-emotive, I'm a doer, you know? And you just kind of say, that's just who I am, take it or leave it, you know? Because you gotta be who you are everywhere you are, but you're always learning, always So even with that self-acceptance, because what I'm hearing is you're saying first, you know, the first step in knowing what you want for yourself or spending time with yourself or getting to know yourself is self-acceptance. So accepting yourself for where you are, and if there's changes that need to be made, a willingness to learn, of yourself so that you can continue or journey down that pathway to wholeness. Because I think that's important. There has to be a level of wholeness within us in order to be able to meet I think you got to know your self-acceptance, willingness to learn things that you do need to learn in order to change so Well, and even that, that's fear. Fear is attachment and need. We have everything we need. I don't need anything from you. I really don't. I mean, that's, and you know, I would like, that's great, that's Right, we don't, but we have to remind ourselves that we don't, because sometimes if we haven't done the work, haven't done the inner work, we do feel that we need something from someone. And again, it goes back to the, you don't complete Well, and again, too, I mean, if we don't accept ourself, we'll never accept anybody else. And that's the thing. The harder we judge ourself, the harder we judge other people, because our our critic, our brain, everything that we're telling us is exactly what we're going to affirm. And so if we're just like, yeah, wow, man, I mean, I really screwed that up, baby. I apologize because I sucked in that that. I'm getting better. And how do we do this? You know, you got to collaborate because a lot of times I said, you know, our biggest battle is within ourself, but you Yeah. And that made me think too, like, you know, we talk a lot about like love languages and relationships and stuff like that. And it's like, people know the basics of love language. Most of the people that kind of know, or they've heard of it in some way, but it's like, do you know that like you give what you want normally? That's our natural instinct. So you're giving your own love language because you think that that's what they want. Because I mean, I find that so awesome. Cause I'm like, all I heard from that, what she just said is there's five Yes. Yeah, because you're giving. You are. You're giving what you want and what you think what that person needs and wants. But no, you're really just giving what you want and what you need. So when you have that, like, so if my love language is like, I like gifts, well, I'm going to love bomb people with gifts, right? Because that's what I like. And I think it's sweet. And that's what I like. Well, that person's going to give two shits about that. They'd rather you have acts of service. They'd rather you do things for them. So that's where we have to understand. It's like if you're in a relationship, you have to remember that you're going to be giving something that maybe you don't care to have and receive. But that person that you love or you care for, you're trying to develop a healthy relationship with But again, it's seeing them for who they are. not Right, but that's our natural instinct, is what I'm saying. Naturally is, we're going to naturally give. Like I could tell you, even for me, like one of mine is gift giving. I love giving gifts to people. It's just a part of like, boy, I'm a little surprised and stuff, but that's because that's my, I like getting that too. So I have to remember a lot of people don't want that. Some people like words of affirmation rather than me tell them all the time, but that's not mine. I don't need validation verbally. I So there's the thing is I have to be aware of that in all my relationships, working relationships, friendships, things like that, you know, so we have to be self-aware to give that Well, and even with that, it's that we have to remember just because we do something well doesn't mean that somebody else does something well. And that's what I hear a lot of times. Well, you know, why would you think? And I said, don't, don't. I said, the whys don't matter. The whys don't matter. It's, you know, when you're putting that on somebody else again, no, no, no, no, no, no, baby. Like that, that's a you thing. Why are you upset about this? And I can say that too. I'm like, okay, hold on, but you're offended about this. So what's going on with you? Because he or she is just being he or she. And I always look on two and I go again, and we're surprised again. Why? I said, cause if you're going to do the same thing, but expect something different, but you don't, I said, listen, baby, it takes two, both of y'all. And that's why I said, this is a pattern. This is a pattern. And so what do we do? It's like, okay, I got to start going out and breaking part So, well, ladies, this was a very good, good topic today. We can get so much deeper into this on different podcasts, which I'm sure we will. We can dive deeper into some of these things that we talked about, like, you know, trauma bonds, you know, some myths, maybe things like that. So this kind of just touched the surface of relationships. And I think a big thing that we talked about today was knowing yourself, loving yourself first. Yes. before getting into relationships. Like it is so imperative for you to do work and I always tell if you're out there you haven't done therapy yet and you're let's say in your 20s and you're like thinking about getting into something serious now like you said maybe I finished school and I'm getting comfortable with my life have you done therapy? It doesn't mean that you need to have depression or you need to have this. It just means you get to know yourself, get to know what you want, and what you're going to need in your relationship that gets healthy. Because if you show up healthy for your partner, you're probably going to get a good healthy partner because you are healthy and you know how to choose. So that is what I'm going to end it with today.